Cells.

My Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday.

I find it surreal, frightening and completely unfair.

People keep saying she'll be okay, that treatments are so much better now, but it's still cancer. It's a killer, it can spread... and as much as every bone in my body doesn't want this to be reality, the truth is it's something that can kill and I don't want to my Mum to die. For the first time, my Mum not being around is a very real possibility no matter how remote. I'm not being pessimistic... I just need to talk about what is frightening me about this the most. I can't really say it out loud.

I've read as much as I can about it... not that I took all of it in. This thing hasn't just invaded my Mum, but our family. What keeps making me cry at the moment is the very fact that she doesn't deserve this. I guess that's a very normal thing to feel. She'll get through this, I keep telling myself ... but she'll have to go through hell and back and it's not fucking fair.

My Mum's been told she's got to have a mastectomy. This is something I can barely even comprehend having to go through. The prognosis isn't terrible, it's all going to unfold at a slow and steady pace no doubt and she should have had her op by September, but I'm still scared of all this. I just don't want this to be the case. I hate that this has happened to someone I love so much... and there's not an awful lot I can do to help either. No matter what I say or do... I can't share what she's going to have to feel- emotionally or physically. If it meant her not having to- I would.

The other day I was bitching about Royal Mail, excited about some new shoes, wanting to go out to my favorite rock club and now it all just seems so fucking stupid. Trivial, menial things that don't matter.

This just isn't fair. I just want her to be okay.