Juice!

Of the creative kind I might add.

Crazy stuff is happening all at once.

I've had four weeks of training courses at work since I'm moving over to a new team next month involved in the implementation of a new system. I'm not single-handedly running the show anymore so that's taken a bit of pressure off. However, loads of other stuff has moved in it's place. This is both good and bad.. but mostly good.

I am embarking on an NVQ Level 2 Certificate in Business Administration at work... pretty much because it's free and it might make it harder for Theresa May to get rid of my job next year. Bitch.

At the same time as this... I've been getting the odd enquiry from my website about model commissions. One of these has resulted in a full order which is great news... though I'm undercharging to start with. Due to this increase in interest I've put together some official documents to give the whole process a proper structure to help me feel more in control and professional. I'm also working on the idea of a new sideline website entirely devoted to my commission work. I've also spent this evening making up an order book so I can plan orders and deadlines without things overlapping and my time being mis-managed.

As a result of getting to know people at work, and showing them my website/artwork I've also received a further commission which will start immediately after completing this current one. Because I've charged less, we're in talks about a possible advertising link up with a local business. More great news!

With my creativity getting back into gear, I've been delighted to see the results of the few weeks of part time work I did at the Animation Studio last year. It just looks so awesome and I'm so happy I was a part of it, albeit a very small part.

You can view the advert *here*. Look out for my Hero Barley right at the end. :-)

As if all that wasn't enough... N and I went to see Maybeshewill in Birmingham a few weeks ago and they were jaw-droppingly good. They blew me away, and even retweeted me after the gig to my suprise... though embarrassingly I did say I was in love with them. Oops. I haven't felt this amazed by a band for years. They make me feel like Radiohead used to (and still do sometimes). I feel emotional, chills, I get lost in it... It's just incredible stuff and I can almost feel energy from it pulsing through my bloodstream when I listen to it. I feel re-awakened.

ANNNNDDDD.... STILL there's more... Download Festival is a mere week and a half away and I still haven't a clue how to put my tent up. I have that nervous excited feeling about it because it's going to be a big smack in the face of awe, amazement, nasty smells, bad food, weather, complicated hair issues and poo. SO much to get, plan, do and pack before the big day though... Think it may be time to get my list writing pen out.

Busy times my friends... but busy is good right?
:-)

Svengali.

So I went to see Derren Brown's new show Svengali last night. I'm a huge fan of the guy but I have to say last night he wasn't on his usual top form. The show was dogged with technical issues which really interrupted the flow of the evening, a few of the people on stage were wierd (but I guess you can't help that) and all in all I wound up feeling that Derren would have been a bit gutted about the whole show. You could tell he wasn't happy with it at the end when he took his bow... too many glitches just marred the performance and I think if I hadn't seen the amazing Enigma last year and known just how brilliant his shows can be, I think I'd have left ever so slightly disappointed if Svengali had been my first. I won't go into the content of the show because, as always, we're asked to keep it a secret but I really hope that the rest of the shows here over the next week or so run much smoother for him because I know just how amazing he can be.

Chin up Derren and better luck next time!

Re-Awaken.

I'm re-discovering music and loving it.

For a couple of years actually if I'm honest, I've been completely uninspired by musical offerings. I think this is partly due to the fact I gave up looking... but I think one lead to the other. Now though, I've started to re-discover my love for it. I've been buying more of it... and I've also invested in a bloody decent system to actually combine my computer collection with a really good speaker which I can listen to throughout the whole house. I love my Sonos. It sounds beefy, rounded, pure and honest to the music. It makes me want to listen to every song I own again... all the ones I've been listening to on (decent but unworthy) little computer speakers for the last six years... and hear it all as if new.

Along with that, as if by magic, I'm finding new bands I like. There seems to be new green shoots of new sounds coming through the drought-ridden undergrowth of music. I've recently discovered an amazing band called Maybeshewill who have blown me away. I've bought their last two albums and loved their awesome soundscapes so much I've pre-ordered their new album released at the end of the month AND I'm going to see them play at the O2 Academy next week. I haven't been to a gig (other than small local/friends bands) in SO SO long and I can't wait to experience that again. It's going to be a warm up to Download which is creeping ever closer.

My blood is buzzing with new music right now and I feel really pumped up by it. It gives me energy, fills me with memories and awe.

It's like I'm breathing in creativity again... and that makes me feel good.

'AV it!

I voted Yes today. Because I feel it's the right thing to do. And if the Tory's are opposed to something... then it's bound to be fair and always worth a second look in my book.

Something wierd happened while I voted... someone saw my cross. I realised as I was trying to get the paper in the millimeter wide slit in the voting box, that I hadn't folded my paper fully and and when I turned my paper over- there was my cross! Horror of horror. It felt illegal.

Still jobs a goodun.

RED.

I get this sometimes. When I fume... I really fume. And I fume quick.

The quickest, easiest way to do this to me? Hypocrisy.

I hate it. Unfortunately I seem to find myself surrounded by it on a daily basis, and yes, this is all part of this rather messed up adult world we live in. This, I guess, I have come to tolerate somewhat. The kind I'm talking about here, the kind that will just make my blood boil, is where this hypocrisy somehow gets tangled up with me having to defend myself. People who know me well, know that I can be somewhat outspoken. Sometimes I feel like I should be the sort of person people want me to be- the one who sits there quietly and keeps her mouth shut. I can demonstrate both tact and diplomacy, but if you ask me for my opinion- you'll get it, and if you ask for my frank opinion you'll get that too. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should blog more- vent my frustrations here rather than the spoken word- because somehow this gets me in to trouble.

Still, I digress, because ultimately... I get told I am bossy, it becomes implied that I am a bitch, that I never forget things and bare grudges. The latter, for a start, is true- I do remember, I hurt easily- and it's one of the things that gets thrown at women in general alot too; that we remember past hurts. Don't we all?! I live with someone who took about 4 years to come to terms with the fact that I had a prior relationship with someone else before him. This, has been bandied about to his friends and family as some sort of "damaged goods" scenario at complete humiliation to myself at times. This took him FOUR years to get over. FOUR. Fucking wierd considering it has NOTHING to do with him who I chose to see/do before we were even together. Said person, loves to bash me infront of his family and mine. I'm made out to be difficult, stroppy, loud mouthed and intolerant - mainly because I'm not a doormat and I stick up for myself. I'm not going to deny that yes I can be moody... neither am I going to blame this on hormones or any other such patronising biological reasoning.. sometimes I'm just angry and that's the way it is. But still... all these human things are heaped on me, labelling me and summing me up to be something quite horrible. Maybe I am. I don't even know... but I don't care for being summed up as all the negative sides to me.. of which people love to point out... there appear to be many.

I've become accustomed to being talked about in this way... but it still hurts. And, actually, it makes me angry. It makes me defensive. Because I see these very traits in almost every other person I meet, yet I don't point it out or feel the need to summarise their whole being as those things. This is nearing my hypocrisy issue... but not quite.

I said something today. Something that could cause minor embarrassment to someone who has admitted they should have known better. Said person, lets call them P, is mostly regarded in high esteem by the rest of our company. P can safely hide behind a stoic, well rounded, secure image because he is a) Male and b) because his dirty laundry is, in present company, kept securely by myself. He therefore took GREAT umbridge with me disclosing something about his behaviour a mere 2 nights before (in which he drank too much (again) and needed nursing the following day)... in reference to the fact that I was explaining how I can, being a woman, look after myself quite fine without needing a man to keep me or pay for me. Yes, perhaps it was a slight dig into his reputation, yes perhaps it was a cheap shot- but utlimately, I thought, in good jest and harmless. P brought it up later and made out that I'd done so presumably because I'm such a bitch that I just take great pleasure in making him look bad and of course, my number one hobby is emasculating men. THIS is where I saw red. THIS coming from the person who disclosed intimate details of my history of another guy and my mental health (and medical proceedures!?!) with his friends, family, (causing countless issues with complete bigoted loons within the latter)... THIS coming from the person who frequently makes out I'm a crazed, emotional wreck unable to cope with stress, motherhood or anything remotely challenging, THIS from the person who frequently berates me to friends and family for being a bitchy, nasty piece of work who never forgives, who nags, controls and constantly snipes.

Maybe I am all those things... Maybe I am all that?! But don't EVER ever tell me that I embarrassed you unnecessarily from a throw away comment when you've PURPOSELY set out to disclose completely personal things to others and FORCED me to face them afterwards.

I am so furious.

This probably makes no sense because I'm typing at a hundred miles an hour. But I am fuming. I am angry.

I guess I really don't forget things. Does anyone?!