RED.

I get this sometimes. When I fume... I really fume. And I fume quick.

The quickest, easiest way to do this to me? Hypocrisy.

I hate it. Unfortunately I seem to find myself surrounded by it on a daily basis, and yes, this is all part of this rather messed up adult world we live in. This, I guess, I have come to tolerate somewhat. The kind I'm talking about here, the kind that will just make my blood boil, is where this hypocrisy somehow gets tangled up with me having to defend myself. People who know me well, know that I can be somewhat outspoken. Sometimes I feel like I should be the sort of person people want me to be- the one who sits there quietly and keeps her mouth shut. I can demonstrate both tact and diplomacy, but if you ask me for my opinion- you'll get it, and if you ask for my frank opinion you'll get that too. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should blog more- vent my frustrations here rather than the spoken word- because somehow this gets me in to trouble.

Still, I digress, because ultimately... I get told I am bossy, it becomes implied that I am a bitch, that I never forget things and bare grudges. The latter, for a start, is true- I do remember, I hurt easily- and it's one of the things that gets thrown at women in general alot too; that we remember past hurts. Don't we all?! I live with someone who took about 4 years to come to terms with the fact that I had a prior relationship with someone else before him. This, has been bandied about to his friends and family as some sort of "damaged goods" scenario at complete humiliation to myself at times. This took him FOUR years to get over. FOUR. Fucking wierd considering it has NOTHING to do with him who I chose to see/do before we were even together. Said person, loves to bash me infront of his family and mine. I'm made out to be difficult, stroppy, loud mouthed and intolerant - mainly because I'm not a doormat and I stick up for myself. I'm not going to deny that yes I can be moody... neither am I going to blame this on hormones or any other such patronising biological reasoning.. sometimes I'm just angry and that's the way it is. But still... all these human things are heaped on me, labelling me and summing me up to be something quite horrible. Maybe I am. I don't even know... but I don't care for being summed up as all the negative sides to me.. of which people love to point out... there appear to be many.

I've become accustomed to being talked about in this way... but it still hurts. And, actually, it makes me angry. It makes me defensive. Because I see these very traits in almost every other person I meet, yet I don't point it out or feel the need to summarise their whole being as those things. This is nearing my hypocrisy issue... but not quite.

I said something today. Something that could cause minor embarrassment to someone who has admitted they should have known better. Said person, lets call them P, is mostly regarded in high esteem by the rest of our company. P can safely hide behind a stoic, well rounded, secure image because he is a) Male and b) because his dirty laundry is, in present company, kept securely by myself. He therefore took GREAT umbridge with me disclosing something about his behaviour a mere 2 nights before (in which he drank too much (again) and needed nursing the following day)... in reference to the fact that I was explaining how I can, being a woman, look after myself quite fine without needing a man to keep me or pay for me. Yes, perhaps it was a slight dig into his reputation, yes perhaps it was a cheap shot- but utlimately, I thought, in good jest and harmless. P brought it up later and made out that I'd done so presumably because I'm such a bitch that I just take great pleasure in making him look bad and of course, my number one hobby is emasculating men. THIS is where I saw red. THIS coming from the person who disclosed intimate details of my history of another guy and my mental health (and medical proceedures!?!) with his friends, family, (causing countless issues with complete bigoted loons within the latter)... THIS coming from the person who frequently makes out I'm a crazed, emotional wreck unable to cope with stress, motherhood or anything remotely challenging, THIS from the person who frequently berates me to friends and family for being a bitchy, nasty piece of work who never forgives, who nags, controls and constantly snipes.

Maybe I am all those things... Maybe I am all that?! But don't EVER ever tell me that I embarrassed you unnecessarily from a throw away comment when you've PURPOSELY set out to disclose completely personal things to others and FORCED me to face them afterwards.

I am so furious.

This probably makes no sense because I'm typing at a hundred miles an hour. But I am fuming. I am angry.

I guess I really don't forget things. Does anyone?!