My dearest...

In stark contrast to my last post...

I am so angry today. I am so angry I could burst out of my skin.

I am glass... about to break... If I shatter I hope that every single shard hits you right in your lying, jealous, loathing eyes.

YOU called ME that?!?! YOU????

You nasty, hypocritical, insensitive, weak, manipulative, pathetic, venomous, hateful, SPITEFUL, vindictive, malicious, messed up, spineless, CHILDISH, jealous, deceitful, screw-up.

I hope hypocrisy turns into a disease in your body and spills out of every pore.

Look in that mirror. See it break under the hate that I feel for you. See your filth, your actions, your hypocrisy and pathetic hatred reflect right back into your heart and break it. Over and Over and Over. I hope it does so for every day that you live in your fucked up little world.

Curl up and lie in the mess that you created.

It's where you belong.

Scum.

I just wanted to say...

I might have issues, and troubles, and I know I can be really down and miserable sometimes... but one thing that I really know makes the difference is the fact that I have some damn excellent friends.

The last week has been truly crap, but the things that stand out are as follows: Getting a lucky scarab beetle charm in the post from Ru-Isu, Rfa and Ktp singing happy birthday down the phone, Lins being there for me even when things are tough for herself, Mark and Loz phoning to wish me happy birthday, and Adam doing his best to cheer me up and making me smile.

I have some ACE friends, I really do and I'm grateful for every one. Thanks guys... I really mean that.

23.

I don't think I've ever been more glad to see the end of one particular week.

And what better way to end a crappy week than with a birthday! Yep, I am now 23. I'm not panicking too much yet though... and the oldness hasn't crept in yet either so I'm good. I got some lovely pressies including a new macro lens and ring flash for my digital camera, some DVD's, money, some gift vouchers, the obligatory smellies and a new top that's ideal for work. Niall's present was a suprise trip into Brum and despite not being allowed to look at the tickets I worked out that we were heading to The Hippodrome. It was for the last showing of Edward Scissorhands. It was a good show, obviously not a patch on the film and I felt they kinda overlooked the point of the film, focusing too much on the community and not on Edward, but still, the sets were great and I had a really good night. Perhaps more extraordinary was the fact that Niall drove all the way into Brum and back (NOT easy for the best of drivers!- see Spaghetti Junction) without any serious incidents and even when we got lost, we got lost right next to where we needed to be! Not bad at all. I even managed to chip in a birthday Baileys before the performance.

I was at work all day yesterday but it was deathly quiet in town I assume because of Mothers Day, which meant we got to open a box of roses and eat them on the shop floor.

:-)

No rest for the wicked.

Tired.

I got home from work yesterday completely shattered; I could barely keep my eyes open. But did I sleep last night? ... no.

This week has been completely deflating for a number of reasons. Some too upsetting to talk about, some too annoying to talk about and some that are plain boring. Sleep would at least break it up a bit, but instead it's been a big blurry mess of one long, tough day- just with some bits darker than others.

I filled my mind with the amazing creations of Dave McKean last night and it's inspired me to start working on some illustrations for self promotion and portfolio. I also want to do some basic animation work at some point, just to see how it turns out. Now if only I could sleep a while, I'd have a modicum of energy with which to actually DO something!

Soundtracks

I can ususally tell that I'm not expressing myself enough when I start to hear songs that could have been taken directly from my head. In the past month, this has happened alot.

I know I’ve been mistaken
But just give me a break
And see the changes that I’ve made
I’ve got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all And throw them in my face

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I hope you’re not intending
To be so condescending
It’s as much as I can take
And you’re so independent
You just refuse to bend
So I keep bending till I break

I’ve made a commitment
I’m willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Can’t you just forgive me
I don’t want to relive all the mistakes I’ve made along the way
But I always find a way
To keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
To keep you right here waiting
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting

Staind, Right Here

hrm.

Eye for an Eye?

I like to think of myself as down to earth. I think I'm caring about the world in general, the environment and animals and life etc. I'm not material and whilst I have a desire to want to look better than I feel, I'm by no means a vain girly girl. I love getting new shoes or boots, I love new make up- but none of this stands in the way of my principles. For example, I try as best I can to only buy make up that hasn't been tested on animals because quite frankly it's fucked up. I laugh at the freezing cold, bloody footed tarts walking along in stupid shoes, a tiny belt and two bits of spagetti holding up their fake boobs, while I walk along in my big, warm comfy boots and tights- or better yet a pair of trousers and my trainers. Yes, I am by no means, someone who puts lame, vanity and fashion before comfort.

However,

I rarely go anywhere without eyeliner. It's my comfort tool, part of my everyday attire and to me, equally as important as wearing shoes when I go out. I bought a new eyeliner a while ago and splashed out on one that cost me £7 as it was better quality than my usual one and it made SUCH a difference. Instead of splintering my eyelids it glided across and smudged perfectly... well worth the money. I'm hooked.. and it's worrying me.

This eyeliner... is bad. It LOOKS fantastic... but every time I wear it, my eyes go blurry and I can't see properly. This cannot be good. Especially not when I'm driving. Yet I still wear it everyday. Why? Because it cost me SEVEN. Pounds! To make it worse... I didn't check if it was tested on animals. Maybe it's a punishment.

If I could just finish the damn stick it would be okay... but it lasts. It's not even half way down and unless I go to some SERIOUS goth or 80's nights... I'm stuck with it for some time.

I really should stop being so stubborn and just let it go. Forget the money, forget the superb finish and smudgy goodness, think of the blurryness and possible long term damage. Let the evil but oh so pretty eye liner go. Drop it. Drop the eyeliner.

And just in case you're wondering- this has NO bearing what so ever on the previous post. Any issues with eyeliner are considered minor and wouldn't warrent such inner torment. On a scale, the previous post concerns are far greater than those implied here. :D

Limbo.

You know what I really really really hate at the moment???

Okay you're right... it could be any number of things... but what I really really really really REALLY hate right now, is hating something that I can't change, something all together quite pointless and frustratingly out of my control. And that is- not knowing.

I don't care that I don't know "stuff" about this or that ... but I hate not knowing what to do for myself, hate not knowing wether I'm making the right decision, if what I'm doing is 'right'. Is there a right? Do I actually know what to do and something is holding me back? Do I HAVE an answer that I've ignored, or do I genuinely not know? Is that a cop out? If so, why? Have I thought too much? Not enough?

I know every one gets this from time to time, and there's no use blathering and umming and aahing and thinking over and over until you're sick to death of the whole situation; I know that there are always consequences and the grass is always greener on the other side, I know about biting the bullet, and grabbing the bull by the horns, I also know about seizing the day and making the most of a bad situation. I know alot of stuff actually, I know all sorts.. I know ME better than anyone else in this world... But I still Don't. Know. And it's the plain, boring fact that I CAN'T know what will happen that is bothering me so much.

Random, vague, nonesense to you... thought stream to me.

know. know. know. know. no.

Maybe that's the answer.

Reflect.

Reflecting on the past week or at least the days where I did something interesting :

Saturday: I witnessed my baby sister (aged 16) going out into the big scary place that is Brum on her first night out to the Academy for a "rock night"... aaaaaaaaaaaah.

Monday: First day at work. Niall manages to crash his SECOND car only two weeks after his first car was written off after hitting a truck. This time it was due to the windscreen washers failing so that he was unable to see anything, with sun glare too. He hits a big Murk whilst trying to pull over into a laybay. The garage man says it's reparable.

Tuesday: Second day at work. Niall gets told his car has been written off because of parts prices. He is gutted. The flat we wanted gets let out a day before we were to view it after being on the files for months. In the evening, I meet up with the ladybug and Boss B for a girly night in. We drank Amaretto and listened to Johnny Cash. :)

Thursday: Boss B and I go to a local arts and crafts centre to paint pots. I painted a bowl for my mum for mothers day. How much do I rock?

Saturday: Niall and I look around local flats for when he transfers from Peterborough to Stafford. He buys a THIRD car. We hope this one lasts more than a few weeks.


So I forgot to mention that I got a little part time job which I started last monday. It's in a linen shop in town... totally rock and roll. The hours mean that I can earn a bit of money whilst working on self promotion for my illustration so I'm quite pleased. I've obviously not had much time this week to post so I apologise, dear blog, for the neglect.

I was thinking about my blog last night, listing the stuff I had to talk about and now I've actually got here finally, I can't remember a goddam thing! Nothing...

Some good news is that the motor racing season has started again. The bad side of that was that I missed the first actual race because I was working! I'm kinda half hoping for Alonso to break a finger or arm or something and then maybe my little Heikki can get a race or two. I really want to go to some motor racing weekends this year. I miss it alot and it's not all that expensive either, a good time is had by all on most occasions.

Ooh... my birthday is in two weeks... birthday lists available on request.

Yoink.

I STOLE something today, from Ramzi's blog ... but fortunatly the theft didn't show up in my Personal DNA report which can be viewed here. Place your mouse over the coloured boxes to view the results.

Cautious Artist

I think it was relatively accurate apart from two comments;

You sometimes wish that others would be more like you—less hindered by their emotions, more respectful, and more private.

and,

You prefer to think about things before voicing your opinion, considering a wide, diverse range of options.

Especially the last one, I'll jump right in and voice my opinion usually. Other than those though, it was a pretty good summary of me.

:)