Christmas Eve Eve; 2013 Reflections

I'm sitting in my slippers, watching A Christmas Carol on TV.  It's Christmas Eve Eve and I finished work today for the rest of the week. 

It's normally this time of the year when I'm doing a review of the year and compiling some New Years Resolutions, but I'm feeling a distinct lack of energy to do either. Plus, I'm not sure summarising my year will be all that eventful this time!

However... now I think back...

Things I have lost: 

Some friends. Not in a physical sense, they're alive and well.  People change, people move on and some people you realise really aren't worth your time and energy. Those who mean a lot to me, remain, however. Even if I don't see them as much as I would like. Thank you for your continued friendship to Mrs P, Markuus, and my dear N who I will always love with all my heart.

Money- a lot has been thrown away on copious drinking, nights out and shoes... but all in all I have some memories of happy times such as motor racing with N and many a post-working-week-debriefing drinks down the local.

My twenties- A heart felt goodbye to my twenties; bittersweet as I lay to rest many fun and happy memories of my youth interspersed with the anxiety, insecurity, angst and heartache that goes along with it.

Things I have gained:

New friends. 
New flat. 
My independence back. 
Strength and Tone from my gym workouts.
Perspective.
A whole new decade ahead of me as I entered my thirties.
New gig experiences- Deftones, Bastille and the amazing Nine Inch Nails... memories of the latter I will treasure forever. Two more ticks off on my "Bands to See Before I Die" list. 

A review of my 2013 Resolutions:

Resolution 1: Be more active.
Achieved. I'm still going to the gym about twice a week and generally feeling better for it; although I certainly notice the difference when I don't go.

Resolution 2: Be less angry.
Semi- Achieved. I'm not sure this has happened... if it has it's more by the ever-so-slightly decreased invasion of the Government impacting on my job and colleagues. I think this year has been more stressful than angry so I'm saying this is semi-achieved.

Resolution 3: Laugh more.
Achieved. I have certainly laughed a lot this year.  I have a graffiti'd piggy bank on my desk at work which says "Just Keep Larfin" thanks to my colleague Daz who decorated it for me and says I say the word Laugh posh.  He's from the Black Country.

Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Semi- Achieved.  I've been to the cinema, seen films at home and been to gigs this year which have all been inspiring to me. However I need to get out more next year and see more places.  I've spend too much time in the office this year... I need inspiration from nature and new cities next year (money permitting).

Resolution 5: Be more creative.
Semi-Achieved. I failed to get my new tattoo thanks to money issues, however I have one planned for my birthday in 2014.  I've done more sculpture commissions this year and have two lined up for the beginning of next year.  To be continued. 

Resolution 6: Blog more.
Achieved. This has definitely been achieved.

Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Not achieved. Work in progress.  I think I know what I need to be happy- companionship.  At the moment I'm at a loss as to where to find this.


2014 Resolutions to be posted soon. 

Belong.

I've just caught up on a few weeks of blog-reading and thought it was probably time to update my own.

The truth being told- much has changed but I've avoided posting anything for some time for a few reasons: 1- I have been incredibly busy.  2- I had no internet access for a few weeks. 3- some issues I've had I felt best not to air in the public realm (aka- if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all).

I've moved into a flat with my friend and colleague H.  It's not quite home yet, pictures still need to be hung.  If I'm honest it all feels very temporary. But I think everything does now.  Everything.

It's Christmas and I've been very disorganised this year.  Moving in at the start of November proved very expensive so I think Christmas has been somewhat tainted by a general worry about money this year.  The last few weeks have been busy. Both at work and socially.... genuinely too much to list but it's been a blur of funerals, tears, too much drink, too much work, stress and laughs.  I'm writing this hours before my fourth and final Christmas work do this year. I'm not sure my feet or my liver can cope with many more!

I'm still going to the gym albeit the last few weeks have been hard to find time to fit anything worth while in.  Slacking.

I generally feel very tired.. I'm always tired these days.  I don't work long hours like others but I give 110% to a job where I get paid averagely for the effort I put in.  My priority next year is to get a new job and possibly outside of the Force so I don't have to be quite so worried about being made redundant every few months. In addition to work stress, I don't sleep well.  I have two Zopiclone on ration for when I really REALLY need to sleep but generally I think I've gotten used to feeling semi tired on a daily basis.

I'm struggling with Christmas this year.  It seems to have lost its meaning, like many things have to be honest. Recent events have put certain things in perspective and I am lucky to have my health, my family and a sprinkling of friends who genuinely care, however all this is clouded by a general feeling of not belonging anywhere.

This is the trouble with Christmas.  It's great if you're happy;  If you aren't it's like a giant microscope magnifying everything you're missing in full focus...

So you just smile and grab another drink.