Belong.

I've just caught up on a few weeks of blog-reading and thought it was probably time to update my own.

The truth being told- much has changed but I've avoided posting anything for some time for a few reasons: 1- I have been incredibly busy.  2- I had no internet access for a few weeks. 3- some issues I've had I felt best not to air in the public realm (aka- if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all).

I've moved into a flat with my friend and colleague H.  It's not quite home yet, pictures still need to be hung.  If I'm honest it all feels very temporary. But I think everything does now.  Everything.

It's Christmas and I've been very disorganised this year.  Moving in at the start of November proved very expensive so I think Christmas has been somewhat tainted by a general worry about money this year.  The last few weeks have been busy. Both at work and socially.... genuinely too much to list but it's been a blur of funerals, tears, too much drink, too much work, stress and laughs.  I'm writing this hours before my fourth and final Christmas work do this year. I'm not sure my feet or my liver can cope with many more!

I'm still going to the gym albeit the last few weeks have been hard to find time to fit anything worth while in.  Slacking.

I generally feel very tired.. I'm always tired these days.  I don't work long hours like others but I give 110% to a job where I get paid averagely for the effort I put in.  My priority next year is to get a new job and possibly outside of the Force so I don't have to be quite so worried about being made redundant every few months. In addition to work stress, I don't sleep well.  I have two Zopiclone on ration for when I really REALLY need to sleep but generally I think I've gotten used to feeling semi tired on a daily basis.

I'm struggling with Christmas this year.  It seems to have lost its meaning, like many things have to be honest. Recent events have put certain things in perspective and I am lucky to have my health, my family and a sprinkling of friends who genuinely care, however all this is clouded by a general feeling of not belonging anywhere.

This is the trouble with Christmas.  It's great if you're happy;  If you aren't it's like a giant microscope magnifying everything you're missing in full focus...

So you just smile and grab another drink.