Tying Knots.

After a lovely holiday in Devon with the family with sea breezes, sunshine and lots of puppy time with my furry nephew Milo, our smiles were turned upside down by the news that my Grandma has been diagnosed with stomach cancer.

I went to see her in hospital on Sunday and she was still smiling and laughing but it was just heart-breaking to hear her say she had "too much to see before she goes".  I've been thinking.  It's made me so aware of everything she is going to miss.  She said she wanted to see people get married- yet I fear she may miss my little sister getting married in the next year or two.  It breaks my heart.

I've cried.  I know how lucky I am to have four Grandparents still at the age of 32 but I am not used to having to deal with death as a result of that.  I have been dreading this... and now it is before me... somewhere in the near future I will be losing my Grandma.  I also hate seeing my Mum so upset.  She has fought cancer, along with her sister.  It robbed her of her time, energy and femininity five years ago and now yet again, she is faced with it taking away her mother.  And as if that isn't cruel enough, if my Grandma lives past Christmas, she could pass away the same year that my Mother get's the all clear.  Fucking cruel.

I've been angry.  I deal with such evil and awful people day in and day out in my job, and yet this sweet, kind, quiet old lady gets this awful disease.  It infuriates me.  It's just not fair. 

I know I have to be strong and face this, but it is hard.

I'm trying to support a friend in need at the moment and also trying to keep in contact with M while he is offshore for his next tour of duty.  I miss him far more than I thought... but have managed to talk to him daily which helps.  He has also sent me an amazing wood print of Birth Machine by HR Giger as a lasting memory of our first holiday together.  It's the most amazing thing and it's made me more sure that I have to make this person happy and keep them close. 

I know I can look at this situation two ways.  My first thought was that just when I thought everything was falling into place and I find someone I love, this awful thing has happened and I am faced with losing someone I love.  I am trying to think of this on it's head and say that I have found someone at a time when I will need them most. 

Chin up. Keep smiling.