Expecting...

I have returned. After three years where a lot in my life has changed.  I return from a new home, as a married woman and an expectant mother.

I return mainly because I've suddenly got an awful lot to say which other people either don't really want to hear about or don't really understand.

So this pregnancy thing... it's pretty shit.  No one tells you that.  It's all glowing and smiles and nice little belly bumps in the media... but it's all bullshit. Let me explain why:

1.  Morning sickness - it isn't morning sickness.  It's all day, all night, 24/7 vomiting, gagging, dry heaving or generally just using every bit of energy in your body not being sick.

2. EVERYTHING makes you feel tired. EVERYTHING.

3.  After weeks of vomiting and nausea you start to feel better to find you've caught the normal office cold - however because you're growing a person MEDICATIONS are a no-no so you literally have to SUFFER.  Coughing, spluttering, congested and a big snotty mess but it doesn't matter because you're still meant to be happy about having a child.

4.  I can now not fit into any of my clothes.  However maternity clothes are really only for mahoosive belly's therefore here comes weeks of baggy clothes that make me feel even more grotty than I probably currently look.

5.  Being a naturally slim person, and with most people knowing about the growing person inside me - I am now subject to people staring at my growing bulge and making comments about "that belly".  Yeah thanks for pointing that out - I hadn't noticed!! Twats.

6.  Food- so irritatingly, you can barely eat anything. Not just because everything makes you want to puke, but because EVERYTHING might kill the baby - including mayo.  I mean Mayo? Have you TRIED trying to buy a decent sandwich that DOESN'T contain mayo????? But wait.... you can have mayo if it's pastuerised egg... so cue numerous confused and irritating catering staff when you have to start asking if their eggs are lion-stamped or their mayo is made from pasteurised egg.  I warn you now - most of them will not have a bleeding clue and just make you feel like a psycho. 
Aside this you're supposed to be eating healthily because, you know, the baby needs it... but all you can physically MANAGE to eat is hula hoops.  Oh yeah and don't forget to take these mahoozive horse-pill sized vitamins even though you can't even swallow your own saliva without being sick.

7.  I haven't pooped in a week.

8.  As if all of that isn't bad enough - all my skin is falling off.  My face is literally malting away because the child seems to be taking not only all my energy, nutrients and hormones but apparantly all my moisture too.  He/She is swimming about in there having a ball with super soft skin... while my own skin literally falls off me. 

So yeah I'm learning that growing a person really is about breaking down everything in your own body, sacrificing it all - your shape, diet, health for the sake of the new little body growing inside.  And the worst thing of all of it?? Is that as a woman you feel completely UNABLE to complain about it.  Because you're meant to be grateful for this amazing gift and all that shit.  Y'know what I am not at all taking for granted that my body is able to create a person and I am not at all suggesting that I am not grateful for being ABLE to create a child... but I sure as hell am not gonna feel like I cannot complain about the relentless hell that it is being pregnant.  Just because I'm a woman and this is what I am "meant to do" and all that shit does NOT make this a pleasant experience.  On the contrary, so far it's been awful.  I can still be very grateful and very VERY fed up at the same time. 

And I can't even have a freakin' Jack and coke.