New Arrival

Urgh... I'm not well again today. I woke up with a nasty headache, gave it the best part of a few hours to leave of it's own accord but it refused so I battered it with paracetamol instead. It's sort of worked but now I feel really shaky and sick. Think I preferred the headache.

Anyway, last night was fun. I haven't been in a recovery vehicle since I was small so it was all a bit exciting.

Despite getting home in the early hours of the morning, and spending most of the day doing laundry for my mom whilst feeling ill, there was SOME good news:

I can officially announce the new arrival; the pitter patter of a brand, new, bouncing pair of shoes! Yep... Niall managed to find a pair of my beloved Pirate shoes that actually fit me and they arrived today with a healthy £7.45 customs charge. Woohoo! :-)

£

I'm tired today.

Tired of:

Jobhunting, not sleeping, not having money, not being able to do what I want so badly to do, of people misunderstanding me totally, of the past, worrying about the future, trying to tell myself I'm attractive and not really believing it, of waiting around for Niall when he's treated me like crap, of grey skies, politics, bad news, moaning about being tired of things, not going out, wishing things were different, struggling to trust people, aches and pains, finding it hard to stay positive.

I'm trying... this weekend has just really sucked out any positive vibes I had. I'll get em back, I know it... just tired for now. Niall managed to crash his car into the side of a truck on Friday morning. Fortunatly he was unhurt but his car was written off so he's had to get another loan to buy a new car as he needs it for the commute to work. I've been helping him to sort out finances this weekend and we've been running around looking at new cars and getting insurance quotes. I've just got money money money money money going round and round in my head- it's terrifying. I'm fine not being rich; I'm well adjusted enough to know the value of money and the the inevitability of existing without large sums of cash never bothered me before University... but it's crippling knowing that you might be totally poor forever. I'm prepared to work, to pay my way and create a good career for myself, but house prices are still shooting up, bills are going up above the rate of inflation, it's impossible to get on the property ladder, the government fails to recognise that people have massive debts these days and can't afford to do anything than to get into bigger debts all whilst working their ass off just to claw their way back up the scale to nought. How are you meant to get married and have a family in between paying off about three loans, a mortgage, and rising utility bills? Future's are scary things.

I had a job interview saturday for some part time work. The hours are good so that I can work a fair bit and still have time for art work, competitions and self promotion. I should hear back in a week or so. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Ways of Seeing.

It took me almost a full year to appreciate what I was being taught in art college. My rather odd, but unique art teacher, guru- if you will, spurted the usual arty jargon which to the untrained ear sounds like complete nonsense; ( "drawing isn't about drawing so much as it's about Seeing") but it still all sticks with me today. I was told to forget what I'd "learnt" about art before, ignore all my impulses and preconceptions of art and drawing; I was un-taught everything. As art students, you're basically reverted back to a child... and I know why too. Ever since, I've been totally fascinated by how children view the world. It's something you can never get back no matter how much art training you have. It's special, and it's a shame that we lose it to become these numbed out adults. I'm glad that I can appreciate the wierd and wonderful, see beauty where others wouldn't and that's as close to that child-like wonder I'm ever going to get, but man, I'm glad I have it.

How many people think what the world would look like to an alien visitor? Seriously, the amount of times I look at some every day object or action and think- how wierd is this, really? Like clapping... look at clapping- how odd is it? How strange is it seeing a packed theatre full of humans all slapping the ends of their limbs together?

I realised how numbed out I was becoming, how 'adult' and dull, on a trip to an art gallery in London a few years ago. My friend and I stood looking at an abstract sculpture for a while. It was by Raymond Duchamp- Villon. A mother with a toddler walked by, and the child looked in bewilderment at the sculpture, tugged on his mom's arm and said- "look, mommy, a horse"... Holy. Crap. This sculpture was a horse... a Cubist Horse. Two art students hadn't worked it out, and incidentally hadn't read the label!, but a two year old saw it straight away... we were both amazed. We felt damn stupid but amazed at the same time.

I miss that. I miss that ability to see differently, with fresh eyes, so open to new things, able to see so much more than adults can. Obviously innocence has many many disadvantages but in terms of seeing- as adults we lose out big time. I don't want that. I don't want to ever get bored of seeing. Children find excitement and intrigue in normal things. A simple train ride and you see them pointing out the window at pretty much anything- a building! another train! Yeah they have the energy, and they haven't seen it all before maybe, it's all new to them... but how cool it must be to see everything with that much awe. I guess with that can come fear... this world must be pretty scary too to innocent eyes, but to have such a strong physical and emotional reaction to just seeing- THAT is priceless, and I never want to lose it. Plus it explains why imagery can totally freak me out. It's a basic instinct that gets lost early on as we start to try and explain things with words rather than feel how we react to them. Bloody words... they always get in the way. Here I am writing about it all rather than illustrating it- I guess that says it all!

I keep getting told that age brings wisdom and tolerance and all that crap, but does it? Or does it bring cynicism, numbness, monotony and narrow vision. That could be the cataracts though.

My mum has a fridge magnet that states: Age is where a broad mind and a narrow waste exchange places. So true.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes but in having new eyes. "
Proust

The Post Formally Known As Untitled.

I wasn't THAT pissed off that I couldn't post for a week... I've just not had much to say this and my time has been taken up with other matters.

My main subject of annoyance this week- Parents. Now, I love my parents to bits, and this certainly isn't a teenage whinge on the subject either, but somewhere, somehow there must have been a universal shift this week, causing parents to act strangely or annoyingly. I've had a small run in with my own, a massive run in with some one elses for them being judgmental, hypocritical and downright unfair... and then two of my friends seem to be having differences with theirs too. A plea to all parents-

Chill-the hell- out.

Aside from that I did manage to squeeze in a visit to Uni-ville to see ktp and rfa for rock night. It was far too cold for my new skirt, so for I think the first time in a few years... I went out wearing trousers. Aaaah the warmth.

Sods Law.

Sods Law should be banned. I hate it.

So the much loved pirate shoes, the things I've been looking forward to for weeks, the things I've had to get redirected twice, the things that got lost in the mail, the things I've complained to Royal Mail about for not delivering, the things I spent the last of my Christmas money on and now have NO more left, the things that seem to have vanished from the UK market...

... They're too small.

I am pirate shoe-less. And thoroughly pissed off.