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I'm tired today.

Tired of:

Jobhunting, not sleeping, not having money, not being able to do what I want so badly to do, of people misunderstanding me totally, of the past, worrying about the future, trying to tell myself I'm attractive and not really believing it, of waiting around for Niall when he's treated me like crap, of grey skies, politics, bad news, moaning about being tired of things, not going out, wishing things were different, struggling to trust people, aches and pains, finding it hard to stay positive.

I'm trying... this weekend has just really sucked out any positive vibes I had. I'll get em back, I know it... just tired for now. Niall managed to crash his car into the side of a truck on Friday morning. Fortunatly he was unhurt but his car was written off so he's had to get another loan to buy a new car as he needs it for the commute to work. I've been helping him to sort out finances this weekend and we've been running around looking at new cars and getting insurance quotes. I've just got money money money money money going round and round in my head- it's terrifying. I'm fine not being rich; I'm well adjusted enough to know the value of money and the the inevitability of existing without large sums of cash never bothered me before University... but it's crippling knowing that you might be totally poor forever. I'm prepared to work, to pay my way and create a good career for myself, but house prices are still shooting up, bills are going up above the rate of inflation, it's impossible to get on the property ladder, the government fails to recognise that people have massive debts these days and can't afford to do anything than to get into bigger debts all whilst working their ass off just to claw their way back up the scale to nought. How are you meant to get married and have a family in between paying off about three loans, a mortgage, and rising utility bills? Future's are scary things.

I had a job interview saturday for some part time work. The hours are good so that I can work a fair bit and still have time for art work, competitions and self promotion. I should hear back in a week or so. Keep your fingers crossed for me!