Where I End And You Begin.

As a person, an individual... I am complete.

I know me. I know my mind.  I know my body. I know how I work, why I work.

I know what I agree with, and what I don't.  I know why I do or don't.  And I know that I have equal amounts of passion for both these things.

I know my faults, there are many.  But I also know my strengths and can finally be proud of those which are considered to be both.

I've known extreme heights and extreme lows; I've been to the ends of my emotions in exploration and both been in awe and fear of their immense scope, scale and depth. With this comes balance and knowledge, care and empathy.

I am so sure of who I am; what has made me... and why I am. I'm a whole; balanced in my opinions, strengths and weaknesses. It's taken me a long time but I am getting to be more comfortable with this. Or more, that I care less how all the things that make me are perceived by others.

Because of all of this... it's hard for me to admit : This whole person is missing something.

My soul, my heart or that bit of us that we can never really place but just seems to emanate from inside... it needs a companion.

For the times I feel less strong, feel ugly, weak or alone... I need that second soul who shares my own and accepts it for all it is.  It's a sad thought that I may never have that again.  It's an emptiness that I can't shake. 

When I was a child, I remember getting an overwhelming feeling of upset when I found a lost toy in the street.  I forget what it was, yet I remember the feeling- and I felt so sad that I welled up that some child, just like me, had lost it's companion and was unlikely to be reunited*. Two things that were once one, were now apart, broken and imperfect in their separation. Out of balance, out of sync and lost from the shared harmony they once endured.

That feeling right there... is how that part of my inside feels; and potentially how it might always feel despite how "okay" my life may be.

I am incomplete in my absence of another; a soul mate.

An uncomfortable, saddening contrast for someone who prides oneself on being individual, unique and a whole.

"You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

Oscar Wilde.




*1. This is why I hate losing things.  2. Empathy comes naturally to me. 3. As does sentimentality.

Daan Saaarf.

I need a new job.

The office politics is tiring and adds to the weight of busy days.

HOWEVER.  I don't want another angsty post about crappy people.  I want to interject the gloom with happier stuff!

The weekend before last was Valentines Day. I have to say I found it particularly hard this year for reasons unknown to me.  I guess it's because I have been feeling lonely... and this is emphasized by the commercial shite that is rammed down people's throats at this time of year.  When I arrived home from drinks with a fellow singleton where we stole roses out the toilets of Bacchus Bar, I got home to a Red Rose and chocolates. :-)

The following day, I went to London to stay with B and her boyfriend E.  After a quick bite to eat for lunch in a lovely little London pub, B took me to this awesome museum she'd found, called The Hunterian Museum at the Royal College of Surgeons which housed a collection of pathology and anatomy specimens in jars.  I could have easily spent longer in there as there was just shelf after shelf of weird, crazy specimens from human embryos to spinal chords, to deformed skeletons and diseased body parts.  It was fascinating. It made me wish I'd stuck with the only science I loved at school which was biology. We spent a few hours looking at all the specimens in awe, then went to get food at Nando's.  The evening was spent putting up our achey feet and watching films in E's absolutely amazing flat in Canary Wharf with some stunning views across the river.

The following day we took a walk down the river to Grenwich and spent the morning walking round the park, feeding squirrels and strolling along with all the people who were grateful for a bit of sunshine at long last. 

It was only a short stay, but it was so nice to spend it away from Brum and with one of my best mates and her lovely chap.  To top it off, thanks to flooding I was able to use my cheapo Chiltern tickets on Virgin Trains so I got a quicker journey there and back on a nicer train for peanuts! Bonus! :-D

Hello Coward.

"Only a few people truly care. The rest are just curious."

Windy.

I'm getting bored of this apocalyptic weather now.

Floods, more rain, winds bringing trees down and damaging roofs and blowing out windows.

The wind in particular, worries me.  High wind always unnerves me and has done since I was little.  Being the little dot I was when I was younger, I used to get teased all the time about blowing away in the wind.  So much so, in fact, that I started to believe it and it made me really nervous.  I even drew a picture of "windy weather" which was shown at the start of the local news weather report back in the late 80's! And yes I do have Midlands Today Weather Reporter T-Shirt to prove it!

Even as an adult, albeit a small one, this wind scares me.

Thirteen Days.

Thirteen.  Unlucky for some. However, this is how many days I haven't been to work. I booked off the Friday before my week of annual leave, at short notice due to me reaching breaking point at the end of a completely shit week.

The sleep alone has been invaluable and although I still have this annoying cough, I feel much more human again.  Last week was incredibly busy; but the good kinda busy.

Friday- Sleep. Gym. See N.
Saturday- Spot of shopping, then Charity Gig in Brum.
Sunday- Nottingham to see family.
Monday- Sculpty day, gym.
Tuesday- Walking in the Peak District with Becko through mud, up hills over fences and round lakes. It was just perfect.
Wed- Sculpture completed. Gym.
Thursday- Met AM in Brum for coffee and a catch-up in Bacchus Bar.
Friday- Up to St Helens for a family funeral.
Saturday- Met up with Markuus, Jo and N in Lichfield.  Evening- Cocktail party in Stetchford, followed by an impromptu house party. This resulted in going to bed at somewhere between seven and eight am.
Sunday- Recovery day and a roast dinner at Mums.
Monday and Tuesday- Chilling days.

I have one more day off tomorrow then it's back to work on Thursday.  I can't say I am looking forward to this in the slightest but all good things must come to an end and all that malarkey.  I have a nice weekend to look forward to following two days of work misery so that should see me through to the end of the week at least.

Letter to Friend Z.

Wow.

What a total bitch you turned out to be.

I am mostly- unsurprised.

Unsurprised that a drama-seeking, attention-loving, desperate, weak and completely self-absorbed, walking victim like you has reacted to the news that- hey, you're a fuck up.

We all are. Thing is we all just deal with it. 

I've been there, selflessly, for you for years.  In the ten years I have known you to be all the things I've mentioned above, I looked past it for one reason- friendship. I stuck up for you, spend fuck knows how many hours listening to your never-ending problems; it's only been in the last couple of years as I've watched you continuously CHOOSE drama, anguish and problems over being strong, independent and stable that my patience has worn thin.  Mistakes I can forgive, but only once.  After that, they cease to be mistakes and become INFORMED CHOICES.  And still, even then, I have listened with failing words of "advice" and comfort... running out of patience, energy and words. Until this.  And now, to have it thrown back in my face without a second thought (why would you being inherently selfish?) and to be labelled as much of an evil force in your life as your cheating ex- is quite frankly, laughable.

I am unsurprised that you couldn't handle the criticism when you can't even handle a day at work where a child has cried. Big fucking deal. 

I am unsurprised that you got defensive because deep down you know there is some truth to my words.

I am unsurprised you lack the mental capacity to think of anything but yourself because that is what I have become accustomed to in a one sided friendship where I have become more of a counsellor.

I haven't lost anything.  I haven't lost a friend I could count on as you were frequently too busy to give a fuck about anyone just because you had to put in an 8 hour day every now and then.  I haven't lost someone who cares about the last 12 months of my own life.  I've "lost" someone who admitted to feeling glad when I split up with N because you had someone to share in your own misery.  What a fucked up little bubble of shit you live in. 

I feel a weight has lifted.  And now I hear you have been bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen. It's quite frankly pathetic but I understand why you're being as bitchy as you are.  Because you're not used to strong people telling you the truth.  I am stronger than you will ever be and as such I close the door behind your little strop and say "good riddance". 

I have lost nothing.

Enjoy wallowing in misery and drama for eternity; I no longer have time or energy for it and I no longer give a fuck about anyone who wouldn't do the same for me.

S

Wide Eyed.

Well there's a week I am glad to see the back of.  It was the David Cameron of weeks.

I could say that it was a week of losses.  But I'm not going to. 

A "close friend" who I have known since Uni has cut me out their lives for reasons I will go into in another post when I can be arsed to process it all.

Another idiot revealed their true selves also.  I welcome the clarity that these two very different situations have provided. As of last year, I declared not to give two fucks about anyone who doesn't do the same for me. And that's going to be the attitude I stick with throughout 2014. So for anyone else who wants to exit my life, I'll be holding the door wide open for you ready to close and lock it on your way out. I'm not even angry... I no longer have anything but apathy for people who leave and a grateful respect for the few honest, genuine friends who remain of greatest importance in my life.

The only true, real loss from this week has been the death of my Grandad's sister, my Auntie Thelma.  Naturally I'm most worried about the effect this might have on my Grandad, as the last remaining one of his family. It must be hard and with him being a big part of my life from a very young age, I can't imagine him any other way than happy. I will be going with him to the funeral on Friday.

Since last Monday, when all the shit kicked off with friend Z I haven't slept properly.  I think I've probably had a total of about five hours sleep over the last seven days.  Any modicum of sleep I have been getting has been full of very odd dreams and then awaking with a terrible headache which feels like someone has taken a lump hammer to my frontal lobe.  The two hours I got last night before I woke up with a start and had an immediate nosebleed was a welcome relief! I've got 6 closely rationed Zopiclone tablets for when I get incredibly desperate. Because of the insomnia, my appetite has gone out of whack, and because of my mucus filled lungs (which are showing no sign of recovery) I haven't been to the gym in over a week either.  Needless to say by Thursday night I was a mess, and winded up booking an emergency flexi day to recover and kick-start my week off work. 

I'm hoping the impending week off will replenish my depleted, weary mind and body as I feed it with good company, cinema, vitamins, gym and sculpture projects. I have lots planned, I just need to feed my body and soul with sleep, food and good music so I have the energy to do it all. 

The coming week will be my week of replenishment.  I can't bloody wait.