In January, I left home.
My home. It's almost indescribable how much I miss my house, and the walls where I encased my soul for a year. However, I wasn't happy there. At times it felt like a prison, and a place where I felt alone and unsupported by my partner of 8 years N.
I met N 10 years ago at University. We've had a tumultuous and stormy relationship from the outset but have carved a path through many trials and tribulations. N is my soul mate and best friend. I want to avoid cliches as they sound futile, however he is etched into my heart and always will be. I love him deeply and have been sadenned to see sides of him I once knew and loved become lost to his career.
He is driven and dedicated to his job. His career literally means the world to him, and whilst I love what I do and put my all into it, it is not where my heart and soul lies. I look to the arts, to friends, family and home life to make me happy and as we've grown into hard working adults our differing outlooks and priorities have become vastly apparant; to the extent where when I needed him most, when my Mum was diagnosed, I turned to find N largely pre-occupied with his job. Emotional needs weren't being met and I felt pressured into appearing happy at a time when all I felt was sad, lost, confused and angry at life.
I will always love N. A part of me longs desperately to go back to my old home, to N. But I fear too much has now changed. Everything I have mentioned in Reflections Pt 1 has happened without him- or with him in the distance. He has never been too far away, which right now I am very glad about. We've spoken every week, and met up like the old friends we used to be over the last few months. I miss how we were. I miss his companionship. It's important to remember that amidst the stress and anger that engulfed is this time last year, that our relationship has been filled with laughing, closeness and a bond that can't be put into paragraphs in a blog. He knows me. Inside out. All of me, my good parts, bad parts, all my flaws laid bare, and he still loves me for them... sometimes though, I fear he misinterprets my expressionist side and misunderstands my needs.
We've both had time. I've learnt a lot this year, both about myself and the situation I found myself in. I have a new appreciation for what I had, for N and what he provided for me, but I've also grown and learnt a lesson in independence which has made me feel strengthened from within.
I honestly don't know what next year holds for N and I. Next year I will have to find my own place to live. There's fear of more unknowns, but I feel equipped to cope. I have no idea if what I am writing is a beginning or an ending; a prelude or an epilogue, whatever it is though, it's been a part of a chaotic and emotive 2012 that I won't forget.
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