" Beware of Bull Sharks; They float in shallow waters. Beware of Bullshit; it floats in shallow people".
One of the things about my place of work is that I can't get used to the culture or the people politics. The work force I have found myself in is one full of egotists, compulsive liars, superficial, nasty, shallow, two faced ass holes. The sad thing is, I'm starting to realise that this is exactly how you have to be to get ahead, to get by and possibly to be happy.
I always thought of myself as a good judge of character, trusting my gut instinct with people; however as I've got older I don't always get a gut reaction to base anything on. This is throwing me off track and now I'm slowly finding myself in a situation where I don't want to really trust anyone. That's not a healthy place to be. I'm unsure if this is unique to my line of work- I highly suspect it isn't, but the scary truth lurking in the background is - This might be what it's like to be an adult.
It's a minefield.
I have trusted too many people this year. I have been too open, too willing to expect good in people. I have been repaid with hurt, heartache, betrayal, lies and an overwhelming sense of being unable to tell the difference between friend and foe. It makes me hesitant to trust people, even those my gut says I should. I don't want to be this way. Not at all. However, as a headstrong, opinionated individual I find it frustrating that I frequently get made out to be an intolerant bitch for being passionate and voicing a strong opinion when actually, there are people out there who on a daily basis are far more worthy of derogatory name calling than I. I am honest. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But I am true both to myself and others. It would appear this is not the way to be and that screwing on your friends, using people, lying and having as many faces as a rubix cube, is widely accepted behaviour.
I have never seen myself as a doormat but this year I've felt like one a number of times. Do I really have to be colder, nastier, less open, less trusting in the future to avoid getting hurt and feel happier?
Letters.
You two. You two are made for each other. Both spineless, shameless liars, hypocrites and game players. Both shallow, and blindingly superficial. I shan't sink to your level and falsely wish you happiness. I genuinely don't. I hope your egotism and vanity consumes any trace of the young, happy desire you currently feel leading you to a power struggle just as ugly and destructive as you are. Keep playing your pathetic games and may you both get lost in your stagnant, fake worlds of smoke and mirrors.
You. You let me believe in you when you knew I shouldn't. You are pathetic, ugly to the core, bitter, hateful, and a master of manipulation; A compulsive liar, a hypocrite, shallow and ultimately spineless; full of nothing but utter bullshit. You will always remain the nastiest person I have ever met.
And you. You have lacked strength. You have many qualities but you show weakness when it ought to have mattered most. Where were your poignant words when my integrity was brought into question? Your loyalty wanes like your lust and love does. I doubt the strength and validity of your feelings and therefore I doubt your self awareness and understanding of emotion. Your fear of emotion is sad. Your willingness to lose me- honest and blatant. Your lack of actions speaks volumes. THIS I trust more than your words now.
No comments:
Post a Comment