My Pensieve.

Forgive me a momentary lapse.

I need to get a few things out and this is MY blog.  I was wary of posting about this, but I don't think I have need to anymore. It will make no sense to anyone but me.

I'm annoyed about a couple of things. People in fact. How did you guess?!

An Apology.

I feel a lot of the time that it's two steps forward and one step back.  I wrote very briefly about being hurt by someone last year.  It took a lot of effort to move past that; to really accept that a person can be so hugely different to how you first perceived.  I attempted on a couple of occasions to reconcile with this person in an effort to keep their friendship in my life- however it came back to bite me and I just wound up even more hurt.  I resigned myself to the thought that this person's hatred and spite was deep set, and no matter how unfair and unjust- I couldn't change their feelings.  I cut them off knowing I would never receive an apology nor any explanation of their cruel actions.  After a few lame attempts at getting in touch with me, which I ignored, a chance encounter with this person prompted a long overdue apology, albeit by text.  It's about all their tiny mind and it's equally miniscule emotional intelligence could muster I suppose.

This puts me in a quandry because immediately all the weight I had carried dispersed.  I will never get an explanation, but their apology made a difference, though I will always doubt it's validity.  It's a degree of closure from a particularly bitter element of last year and I feel I can finally put it behind me.  However, I feel like I'm betraying myself.  I felt so strongly about this person, so hurt and it took a lot of effort and energy to turn that hurt into enough dislike to cut them out... and it just went, in an instant, when they apologised.  This is a good thing, I'm sure... for me, and I'm glad that it's lifted a burden, however the hate I had been holding also protected me and now I'm without it, it feels strange.  I also get irritated by the thought that this pathetic apology gave THEM some sort of closure and that my absorption of this apology has somehow forgiven them.  This is not something they deserve, however I guess I need to be selfish and take the positives for myself, ignoring any impact it may have on them. I'll try.  Their punishment I guess, though I hate to say it because I inherently don't truly believe it, is that they lost my friendship and the chance to have me in their life.  I somehow have to convince myself that this is of detrement to them. Somehow.

Safety.

Someone gave me some good advice once.
"Learn to hate" they said. 
Silly, I thought at the time, because I frequently get described as a very angry person- or passionate if it's deemed as a compliment.  Sometimes I feel I have far far too much hate in me.  This same person, emphasized that I feel things strongly- all emotions, on a greater scale.  This was no news to me, however the news that other people didn't feel to the same depth is a relevalation I will always struggle with.  I find such people alien.  I find it frustrating that my emotions are rarely shared and I often feel that I give more than I receive; always in debt somehow.  But this is not something I can change, and I'm not entirely sure I want to. How I feel, makes me who I am. Good and bad. Anyway I digress. 
I was told to "learn to hate" someone who hurt me.  To protect me.  A barrier.  It worked.  And now I find I am having to do that once again.  Hate is a strong a word, but I'm having to put up the barriers, let it all go and surround myself with invisible barbed wire.  I guess that's why they say there's a fine line between love and hate- the propensity to get hurt is always greater, emotions are heightened.

I know I am pushing another friendship away... but this is what we have to do sometimes right? To not be hurt.  And it makes me angry ( I know, something I should be avoiding this year).  It makes me angry that the reasons I'm doing this are even more evident now; each day is further confirmation of why this is painfully necessary.  It makes me angry that this person has no concept of my hurt. It makes me angry that I've lost another friendship.  It makes me angry that someone I cared for, I now feel I don't know.  It makes me angry that they've let this happen.  It makes me angry that it's all gone because it's what they wanted. And it's making me question myself -doubt myself, question my personality, what I keep doing wrong, why I keep making the same mistakes- which again is making me anxious.  Likewise I am now questioning them- Did they lie? It feels like they did. It feels like the whole thing was a lie now. Did I get someone else wrong? Again!? Do they car? It would appear not. I will never know. It's easier not to.  Gut feeling vs assumptions vs words.  Words are easy to say.  Actions speak louder.

The less I think about it all the better.  This is one of those times where sticking your head in the sand is necessary, because eventually it WILL all go away and I won't care about any of it. That's what I need- to not care.

Everything works out better for people who just don't care.

Crashland. Radioactive.

One of the most beautiful and apt songs from last year.  This will always be my 2012 song.

 

And... this one... this is my 2013 song.  "I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones" ...

Happy Stuff.

So here is my beautiful little neice Natalie at 8 months! She can't crawl yet but it looks like her leg muscles are starting to get stronger as she's standing up (with support) so I don't think it will be long until she's mobile!

Last night I went to the cinema to see Lincoln.  At the risk of sounding highly ignorant, I'm not knowledgable in the field of American political history so a lot of the political details in the film went over my head and I found parts of it hard to follow being unfamilair with the terminology used.  However, the human aspect of the film, I thought was brilliantly conveyed.  Daniel Day-Lewis' performance is completely Oscar-worthy with most of his monolouges just drawing you in as if it's just you and Mr Lincoln himself in a room.  Really, quite stunning.

Still Counting.

Volbeat. How have I missed out on these for so many years??! Pretty sure I should have been rocking out to these guys at Uni rock nights all those years ago... what a waste! Still, I found them now... and have just bought their 2010 album Guitar Gangsters and Cadillac Blood. 

 

 

" Counting all the assholes in the room
Well I'm definitely not alone, well I'm not alone
You're a liar, you're a cheater, you're fool
Well that's just like me yoohoo and I know you too
Mr. Perfect don't exist my little friend
And I tell you it again, and I do it again
Counting all the assholes in the room, Well I'm
definitely not alone, well I'm not alone

Look deep into yourself before you blame all others
for betrayal, for betrayal
I promise, so easy to say, and easy you failed,
and you do it again "

 

 



I *THINK* I've finally found a way of using my new cowon so that the artist files all show up in the right place but it's meant I've had to download a new music player, and therefore I know need to re-tweak all the sound settings which is annoying.  Still, if it means I can keep the player rather than sell it on ebay then I suppose we're all good.  Still annoyed and disappointed.

 

Happy to say that all the snow seems to have gone thanks to the sun and a bit of MUCH welcomed rain. 

 

I have a lot to say on here at the moment, just not sure I can, so I might get my old diary out and write some stuff out this week... but I'm still counting too...

Daily Musings.

Two articles that caught my eye today:

1.  Pornification

Getting a bit sick of hearing half assed politicians raising this issue and nothing further happening... Take ACTION.  Start getting rid of pornography in supermarkets, get it off shop shelves, off tv programmes, off advertising and start looking into ways of policing the internet better.  Sex education isn't necessarily the way around this either- Injecting boys early with morals, respect and equality; alongside encouraging girls' self esteem and preparing them for the lies they will be fed on a daily basis by the media, will be far more valuable than teaching them about "love and relationships" which we all know is a crock of shit anyway.

Secondly... you know I can never resist a bit of mindless, infuriating Catholic Hypocrisy...

2. Catholic Hospital- "Fetus not a person"

Whilst the case in question is undoubtedly sad- it's important that this case has run through the courts and I can't help but seek some pleasure in the discomfort this must have brought the Hospital in question.  I presume this hospital doesn't perform abortions because it's "murder".   Hypocrisy and the Catholic Church is as common as flies on dogshit and here, again, they cherry pick their "morals" when it suits them. 

All good- no rage here... just wanted to share some good web-reading.  Absorb people.

...

I miss him.

The Balancing Act of Being Female; Or, Why We Have So Many Clothes

I just read the above article.

It's an interesting albeit brief article on the labelling of women based on their clothing choices.  It's a sad fact that women label women in this way just as much as men do.  Interestingly men's clothing choices matter very little... in fact I can't remember many conversations around mens clothing choices reflecting their personalities and although I can see how a personality may be relfected in a mans clothing choices, they're not routinely labelled in the same way.  Men seldom are labelled. 

The image in the article, as usual, sums it all up a thousand times quicker and with more clarity than words do. 

Well done to the young student addressing these issues. 

Resolutions Update

As the first month of 2013 draws to a frosty and foggy close, I thought it was about time I had a Resolution update:

Resolution 1: Be more active. hmmm. Not happening as of yet thanks to the cold and snow.  My aims though are to start doing my nightly situps again, to go for jogs/runs and look into Boxercise classes.

Resolution 2: Be less angry.
I am no longer watching provocative debate shows which always fuelled my rage.  I need to try not to rise to the bait.

Resolution 3: Laugh more.
I need more comedy!

Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Yes! Films. And I'm reading again too. When I finish Mark Kermode's book I will be reading Neil Gaiman, Sylvia Plath, Christopher Hitchin and Derren Brown books which I have waiting.

Resolution 5: Be more creative.
I have a commission on the books already and I am still working on the new tattoo.  Thinking Eastern Pheonix or a dragon as a tribute to my fictional heroine Lisbeth Salander. A reminder not to take any shit from men is always good for the soul. 

Resolution 6: Blog more.
Done and done!

Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Work in progress.  I have the knowledge now and I feel less afraid of cutting out parts of my life that lead nowhere but misery and negativity. I know what I DON'T want. Now to know what I DO.

One.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey


And at least now I know those who are worth it, and those that aren't. :-)

Snow Joke...

My office move is complete and not only was today my first drive to my new Station, this was my first time driving in snow.

It was NOT nice.

This morning wasn't too bad. There was a light covering on paths but the newly gritted roads were fine for driving on.  I got to work at 7.30 with no trouble at all. 

However, by 9am, the snow had mounted.  By 12 o'clock the snow was probably about 15cm deep and a message from HQ was sent to say that all none operational staff were being sent home.  This was it- my first drive in snow.  It. Was. Horrible. 

My route home contains hills- fairly steep hills at that, and of course if I could get up them- I also had to get back down.  The roads through Walsall centre were fairly okay, it was only once I reached the main crossroads that it all started to get interesting.  Although painfully snow, I got through the town centre and up the first hill without any trouble.  I was feeling quite proud of myself so far in fact- pulling off in second gear, taking the down slope in first and the journey was going fairly smoothly though I was panicking behind the wheel.  However, I wasn't even half way home and this three mile stretch had taken me about 35 minutes.  My normal commuting times is 25-30 minutes! The roads after the first hill had gotten progressively worse in that time, and when I finally reached hill challenge two I could feel Franko's tyres slipping slightly.  I stayed calm, reduced speed and brought him some pretty awsome (if I do say so myself) clutch skills to control it going up the hill.  Hill three, was lurking about 10 minutes round the bend an I started to see my first people skidding around and cars stopping at the side of the road.  I navigated the down slope of hill three pretty perfectly, passing a number of people struggling to get up on the other side.  The next hour, involved painfully slow, ankle aching clutch use as poor little Franko drove along at 15mph maximum.  Hill four was all downhill and here I felt my ABS kick in.  Skidding just feels awful- you feel the car being pulled in opposite directions but it's good how much of your driving instinct kicks in and you just do what you need to whilst bearing in mind all the advice and tips for winter driving.  The last hour was the worst.  The roads were just treacherous and I was getting really hungry and thirsty. People were skidding, sliding and I felt like little Franko was struggling to keep in an adequate gear for the inclines and grip. Aside from the odd Wanker, most drivers were sensible and took it pretty easy.

The snowier side roads close to home were actually moderately better and provided some welcome grip from the slush I'd been sliding in for two hours.  I pulled in and covered up Franko in his snow blanket. He did pretty well considering he's just a little 1.2. :-)  I'm considering investing in some Snow Socks for him.

I have rarely been so relieved to just get back home in the warmth. It took just over two hours.  I'm proud of myself for managing to get home safely though I have to admit to feeling incredibly anxious the whole time.

Stay safe out there folks! Where's my cuppa....

So long HMV!

I've been saying for some time that HMV would go under in the recession.  Any company (like Woolworths) who haven't changed a bit since the day they opened is bound to suffer. 

Don't get me wrong- I'm have fond memories of HMV since I was a child.  I love music and as such I've seen a steady decline of some brilliant music shops- mainly independent ones like Andys Records, Tudor Tunes (Lichfield), Left Legged Pineapple and Castle Records (both Loughborough).  HMV have been the main retailer of music throughout the years and whilst I've witnessed them expand their stock to CD's, DVD's, BlueRays and Games- but with this expansion in stock, the once good supplies of each product have become more limited.  They've NEVER been competitive on price;  There's been a complete lack of competitiveness in fact.  They ignorantly and rather stupidly still stock some CD's for £15 when everyone with half a brain cell could find it cheaper online with free delivery or even in your local Tesco in some cases! I just don't see the logic.  If HMV is to survive it needs to re-brand itself, freshen itself up, pull up its socks, get out the 90's and compete. 

Sorry HMV.

(not) Miserable.

Busy week at work this week as we're moving a few miles up the road to a new station.  It's ACTUALLY got double glazing!!! WOOOOT.  It means a longer commute and about two weeks of chaos while everything gets moved/lost/put in the wrong place and sorted out again but ultimately it'll be worth it for the warmth! For the last eight months I've been a little block of ice working away in front of our draughty two way glass windows.  Ah... two way glass- I will miss you lulling all those vain passers by into your shallow reflective surface while we laugh at them from the other side.

I went to see Les Mis (the film) at the weekend.  There are actual FILMS on in the cinema.  I've been so relieved that the age of the crappy-masses film seems to have mostly passed and we're starting to see proper film makers return to the fold.  I saw the Hobbit a few weeks ago- and for the most part thought it was a good offering although I felt it was padded out too much.  Some of the scenes were too long and Martin Freeman lacked the warmth and happiness that we'd got used to from Ian Holme's Bilbo in the LOTR trilogy.  I also found the dwarves a bit inconsistent and not styled enough.

Les Mis was very good. Superb, emotive performances from most of the main characters with Hugh Jackman and Ann Hathaway being fantastic.  Russel Crowe does an average job but I never really like his acting style.  He fails to draw me in to any of his characters and I rarely care for them or feel sorry for them.  We, the viewers, should have felt some sympathy for Javere during his suicide song.  A scene of a tormented soul, his direction lost, his world and ideals turned upside down by the compassion of the man he's devoted his life to catching- and yet, Crowe showed no agony and remained mostly expressionless.  Russell Crowe's eyes are just steely and cold and it deadens most of his characters. I'm not a fan.
The other thing that ruined the film for me, not knowing the story, was the complete turnaround and two-facedness of Marius, the flighty, young socialist who was just a flakey, spineless drip! His friends die for the cause, and he sods off to get married to his splendily dressed fiance in his fuck-off Mansion! So much for Socialism and equality you Toff!
It's one of the few films I've seen at the cinema that people have applauded at the end and, despite being warned, at no point did I find myself reaching for the tissues.  I don't tend to cry at films. Moving documentaries perhaps- but not films.  The only film that even had me close to crying was Wall-E. I welled up when he gets rebuilt at the end and his little eyes remain as cold and empty as Russell Crowes; your heart is just willing them to show life and personality once again... Emotive stuff.  

In other news I have been taking on a DIRE Amazon Marketplace seller to get a refund/replacement for a faulty item.  I won.  I have now escalated to a formal complaint about the fact that this seller removed my negative feedback which makes a mockery of the whole system.  Freedom of speech and all that.  If I fail in my mission to get it reinstated, I will be taking to twitter instead.  Never let it be said I don't stick up for the little people.

I have also found a problem with my new Cowon.  I'm still investigating into fixes for an issue with my player reading ID3 tags from shite-tunes where most of my music is imported or bought legally- yet Apple, being up their own arses as they are, have kindly made sure you can only use their shite-pods for file transfer with comfort and ease.  I'll get round it.  Or buy a Sony instead which use a slightly different transfer format.  Again, I won't be bullied by some snotty corporation and brainwashed into buying substandard products.

I'm totally on a roll lately.  I feel strong.  Justice is being done all over the place.  Good things are happening. 

Cowon Z2: My New Baby

So I've tested it.


I've tried various files; different earphones to compare sound; I've played with the sound settings and even ensured that it works in my car.  All is good.

I am chuffed actually.  The user interface will take a bit of getting used to, and when I'm looking to upgrade again in five years time I'll probably be less inclined to choose an MP3 player with web access as, although handy on the fly, it's what my smartphone does. 

Plugging in my new earphones and playing Tool through it for the first time was just insanely good.  I heard so much more of the song.  I've managed to find a user sound setting that's bass-ey enough for me, but it'll still take some time adjusting to losing a bit of bass in order to improve the overall sound of the whole song.  The other problem with this brilliant piece of technology is that it's too good.  It brutally now sorts out the men from the boys in terms of digital file quality and I now have some MP3's which are clearly sub-standard.  Songs I've been playing on my computer, Sonos and Sony Walkman for years now have all their digital flaws (yes I'm looking at you Bastille) highlighted which means I can well imagine I will be spending far more time buying CD's and ripping them, than downloading poor quality music for an unfairly steep price.  But, this is the arena I've now found myself in, and it's a high standard that I'm pleased with. 

Now I know it all works and I'm pleased with it, I'm spending the afternoon transferring music across to it.  I can well imagine I will be needing to buy myself a micro SD to increase the storage capacity in no time. 

I'm a happy bunny.  Things feel good at the moment. 

New Toy!

It's here!!!!

My new Cowon is here!!!!

I have loaded a few files of music to test it out... but it needs to charge properly and I need to test it in my car also.

So far- the screen is AMAZING. I almost can't wait to plug in my shure earphones and start experimenting with the sound on it... but I must wait.  It needs to charge fully. Patience. DAMIT!

Shure Thing.

Last year I filled my MP3 player. 

My little beat up 8gb Sony Walkman has served me well for the last couple of years.  It is probably the best sounding MP3 player I've ever had, with incredibly deep bass tones and expensively perfect noise cancelling earphones which work in conjunction with the device. It was always going to be a substantially tough act to follow and it was with a very heavy heart that I decided it was time to look into getting a new one. 

After months of research and a particular low point even considering getting a shite-pod, I selected the COWON Z2 with a web enabled Sony Walkman as my back up option.  If it fails to connect to Franko (my car) 's USB port, the Cowon will be ebayed and I'll resort to my Sony back up choice.

With my original Walkman having noise cancelling functions and just immense sound, I also purchased some swanky Shure earphones to try and make up for the loss in any sound quality. 

My new earphones arrived today.

They are, quite frankly, incredible. 

The clarity on them is immense.  It opens up new layers to music and I can hear new sounds to songs I've been listening to for years.  I listened to Bastille, Korn, The Prodigy and Puscifer before the ultimate test- Nine Inch Nails.  Oh my god.  Track 13.  Absolutely EPIC!!  You can hear EVERYTHING! ; every detail, twang, even breaths that I've never heard before! Stunning.

Short of a bit more bass, they're just awesome. I'm used to a LOT of bass with my Sony noise cancelling.  I like my music to sound meaty.  I like to "feel" the music right in the centre of my brain and a deep bass seems to reach right inside you and squeeze your heart just a tad before pulsing back through your blood to your ears.  My new earphones lack thispunch but I'm hoping it's something I can get used to.  I've heard Cowon rival Sony for their sound technology and once I get my new Z2 I'm hoping I can tweak the settings and equalizer to my liking and maybe emphasize the bass so I'm not too worried just yet. 

Just got to cross my fingers and hope that all is well on receiving my Cowon but so far- Inspired. (Resolution 4) ;-).

Ill Manners

Chav-Bashing- a bad joke turned into bilious policy

 

I've posted the above article because it very much relates to the video below.  I came across the below a few months ago and was struck by it's social commentry.  I would strive to say it's the most powerful music videos I've seen for many years and I think it sums up the last few years better than anything else I've seen or read. 

 

It's aptly crafted - edgy, raw and with a deep, angry intensity which is captured both musically and visually.

 

I have no doubt it's messages, many ironically contradictory, will be missed by both sides using it as an influencial piece condoning certain lifestyles and behaviour and for this reason I fear it's potential poignancy has been negated.  In all the articles, literature, websites and papers I've read on the social impact of the Tory Government- THIS, to me, is the most intensely powerful and honest account of the widening social divide that's expanded before everyone's eyes. 

 

2013

And here we are in 2013. 

I'll be waving goodbye to my little neice, my brother and sister-in-law on Friday ( sadtimes), and along with it I will be waving goodbye to 2012 (and all the nastiness that went with it-).

My resolutions for the year as highlighted by my end of 2012 review plus a few extras will be as follows:

Resolution 1: Be more active.
Self explanatory!

Resolution 2: Be less angry.
Spending less time watching infuriating tv programs on politics and debates on religion. 
Find more time watching things that make me laugh and inspire me.

Resolution 3: Laugh more.
As above- watch more tv that makes me laugh; spend time with people who make me laugh.

Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Be inspired by sights, sounds (gigs), comedy, theatre etc.

Resolution 5: Be more creative.
Find time for photographs, projects, clay work, sketch books and ink pens. Obtain a new tattoo!  

Resolution 6: Blog more.
Find time for more blogging perhaps to monitor the success of these resolutions!

Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Sort out what I need to be happy and chase it.  It won't happen over night and it won't happen by keeping everything the same.

I'm already getting off to a good start with Resolution 4: Be Inspired as I received two pairs of gig tickets for the Deftones and Bastille gigs in January and February. Absolutely STOKED about those. The new tattoo will also be either a dragon or a chinese style phoenix I think but this is still a work in progress. 

Despite the governments best efforts, despite the knobheads I am bound to encounter, I hope that this year will be a happier one.  For everyone. Except anyone who upset me last year of course- you can go do one.  :-)

Christmas 2012 with my little neice.

 I was apprehensive about christmas this year until my brother told us he was bringing his new little family back from Japan to join us for two weeks over Christmas and New Year.  They arrived on the 22nd December and I met my little neice Natalie for the first time. 

 

The last two weeks have gone really quick but have provided us all with a lovely end to a tumultuous year.  Spending time with my little neice has been a joy and it makes me feel pretty sad that when they leave on Friday morning I'll be saying goodbye to her for an indefinite amount of time. 

 

 

I'm not sure what age she will be when we'll see her again, and it's highly likely that she will forget us until she's much older and her longer term memory is more functional.  I feel sad about this... but immensely happy to have met her at such a precious little age.  It's made for a really warming, family christmas which is just what I've needed at the end of such a difficult year.  My heart feels full again.  

 

Gonna miss this little munchkin.