Nice guys really do finish last.

" Beware of Bull Sharks; They float in shallow waters.  Beware of Bullshit; it floats in shallow people".

 

One of the things about my place of work is that I can't get used to the culture or the people politics.  The work force I have found myself in is one full of egotists, compulsive liars, superficial, nasty, shallow, two faced ass holes.  The sad thing is, I'm starting to realise that this is exactly how you have to be to get ahead, to get by and possibly to be happy. 

 

I always thought of myself as a good judge of character, trusting my gut instinct with people; however as I've got older I don't always get a gut reaction to base anything on.  This is throwing me off track and now I'm slowly finding myself in a situation where I don't want to really trust anyone.  That's not a healthy place to be.  I'm unsure if this is unique to my line of work- I highly suspect it isn't, but the scary truth lurking in the background is - This might be what it's like to be an adult. 

 

It's a minefield. 

 

I have trusted too many people this year.  I have been too open, too willing to expect good in people.  I have been repaid with hurt, heartache, betrayal, lies and an overwhelming sense of being unable to tell the difference between friend and foe.  It makes me hesitant to trust people, even those my gut says I should.  I don't want to be this way.  Not at all.  However, as a headstrong, opinionated individual I find it frustrating that I frequently get made out to be an intolerant bitch for being passionate and voicing a strong opinion when actually, there are people out there who on a daily basis are far more worthy of derogatory name calling than I.  I am honest.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But I am true both to myself and others.  It would appear this is not the way to be and that screwing on your friends, using people, lying and having as many faces as a rubix cube, is widely accepted behaviour.

 

I have never seen myself as a doormat but this year I've felt like one a number of times.  Do I really have to be colder, nastier, less open, less trusting in the future to avoid getting hurt and feel happier?

 

Letters.

 

You two.  You two are made for each other.  Both spineless, shameless liars, hypocrites and game players.  Both shallow, and blindingly superficial.  I shan't sink to your level and falsely wish you happiness.  I genuinely don't.  I hope your egotism and vanity consumes any trace of the young, happy desire you currently feel leading you to a power struggle just as ugly and destructive as you are.  Keep playing your pathetic games and may you both get lost in your stagnant, fake worlds of smoke and mirrors.

 

 

 

You. You let me believe in you when you knew I shouldn't.  You are pathetic, ugly to the core, bitter, hateful, and a master of manipulation; A compulsive liar, a hypocrite, shallow and ultimately spineless; full of nothing but utter bullshit. You will always remain the nastiest person I have ever met.    

 

 

 

And you.  You have lacked strength.  You have many qualities but you show weakness when it ought to have mattered most.  Where were your poignant words when my integrity was brought into question?  Your loyalty wanes like your lust and love does.  I doubt the strength and validity of your feelings and therefore I doubt your self awareness and understanding of emotion.  Your fear of emotion is sad.  Your willingness to lose me- honest and blatant.  Your lack of actions speaks volumes.  THIS I trust more than your words now. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflections on 2012 pt 6: Oscar

In August, our cat Oscar died.  He was a good old age but his death was still a bit of a shock.  He had a rapidly deteriorating heart condition and had to be put down.  I held him as he was put to sleep.

The house still feels odd without him and I know our remaining cat Phoebe misses him daily.  She hasn't really been the same since.

Miss you.

Spider Decoys

Wired.com- Spider-building Spiders

Regular readers and good friends will be aware of my Spider theories.  I am using the above article as further evidence to back up my theories. 

It's now only a matter of time before they start building weapons of mass destruction.

Reflections on 2012 pt 5: My Niece

In May, the family welcomed our first new addition - Natalie.

I will be meeting her for the first time this christmas as my brother is bringing his new little family back from Japan, so it's set to be a really special one this year. 

Although she lives really far away I hope she'll grow up knowing her two English Aunts care greatly for her and are looking forward to seeing her grow up. :-)

Reflections on 2012 pt 4: Promotion

In March I started applying for jobs.  I had only been at my place of work for a year, having been made redundant and re-deployed from my previous role.  I moved and was lucky enough to be placed somewhere familiar and within a small, friendly station in the area I'd grown up.  Although it took me longer to adjust than I anticipated I became part of the family.  Within that year though, my job there was yet again to be put at risk under the second round of Tory cuts so I started applying for jobs rather than wait around and see where someone else wanted me to go- if at all.  I put my heart and soul into preparing for my interview, which was the day after my birthday. 

After a tough interview with an Inspector from my current job on the panel, I was telephoned to say I'd been offered a post at Walsall.  It wasn't the ideal place I wanted to be and I was nervous about it to say the least, but I also needed to take this step.  It was time for me to move upwards. 

I started in May.  Commuting in my new car, Franko, to my new place of work.  It's certainly been a huge step and frustratingly slow in terms of getting access to systems and training now that our training courses have been slashed in the cuts. Six months in, I'm settling; I'm learning; and hopefully growing into my role a little more each day.  I don't have quite the same bonds as I did at my last job as it's a smaller team and the nature of the work means the job in general can be stressful and tiring.  However, I'm learning a lot and this is hopefully another stepping stone into bigger, brighter things.  That's *IF* there's a force left after the Tory's have finished their assault on the UK's services.

Reflections on 2012 pt 3: L is for...

I made a new friend in 2012.  He is called- L.

He has been the best thing about this year and will remain to be a special part of my life for years to come I hope. 

I met L at work in Sutton Coldfield.  I had commented many a time to colleagues of this polite Policeman who would email me for uniform orders- his good manners standing out like a little ray of sunshine in a job that can sometimes come with little thanks.  I think I had probably met him once or twice during the admin side of my initial induction at Sutton, however it's only when he was working down the corridoor from me that I really got to know him.  My office had a fair bit of banter with their office and over many practical jokes, after-work pub drinks and blu-tak figurines- we got to know each other, and I instantly knew I'd found a friend.

My instinct told me very early on that I would get on very well with L.  He is open, warm, friendly, generous and forgiving.  He has a genuine, kind heart and his support, patience and affection were my crutches during a difficult an emotional time in my life this year.  I have confided in him, cried to him, shared hugs and many laughs and although I've not even known him a year, I would feel lost without him in my life. 

He likes words- I like pictures. He calls me Sarahphim. He calls me bossy and says I have a temperament like the Incredible She-Hulk.  He knows I can be grumpy, that I'm opinionated, challenging and headstrong, our views differ on many things, yet he's made me feel respected, loved, nurtured and less alone, at a time when I felt anything but. 

I know in L, I have found a true friendship that I never ever want to lose. 

To my best friend L, I love you more than you know and I thank you.

Passive.

"Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become…my perfect enemy…
Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say,
“You disappoint me,
”Maybe you’re better off this way"

APC

Deflated.

There really isn't a limit on just how let down you can feel. 

I'm contemplating being tougher, colder next year or at least appearing to be. Faking it and just hoping it will become reality.

Just when you think you're rid of someone from your life, they claw back one way or another. I'm now potentially going to have to cut out large portions of my life this year just to move on. Beginning to wish I'd never been moved to Sutton with work. Right now, I want to forget this year existed.

Reflections on 2012 pt 2: N, Where I end and You Begin...

In January, I left home.

My home.  It's almost indescribable how much I miss my house, and the walls where I encased my soul for a year.  However, I wasn't happy there.  At times it felt like a prison, and a place where I felt alone and unsupported by my partner of 8 years N. 

I met N 10 years ago at University.  We've had a tumultuous and stormy relationship from the outset but have carved a path through many trials and tribulations.  N is my soul mate and best friend.  I want to avoid cliches as they sound futile, however he is etched into my heart and always will be.  I love him deeply and have been sadenned to see sides of him I once knew and loved become lost to his career. 
He is driven and dedicated to his job.  His career literally means the world to him, and whilst I love what I do and put my all into it, it is not where my heart and soul lies.  I look to the arts, to friends, family and home life to make me happy and as we've grown into hard working adults our differing outlooks and priorities have become vastly apparant; to the extent where when I needed him most, when my Mum was diagnosed, I turned to find N largely pre-occupied with his job.  Emotional needs weren't being met and I felt pressured into appearing happy at a time when all I felt was sad, lost, confused and angry at life.

I will always love N.  A part of me longs desperately to go back to my old home, to N.  But I fear too much has now changed.  Everything I have mentioned in Reflections Pt 1 has happened without him- or with him in the distance.  He has never been too far away, which right now I am very glad about.   We've spoken every week, and met up like the old friends we used to be over the last few months.  I miss how we were.  I miss his companionship.  It's important to remember that amidst the stress and anger that engulfed is this time last year, that our relationship has been filled with laughing, closeness and a bond that can't be put into paragraphs in a blog.  He knows me.  Inside out.  All of me, my good parts, bad parts, all my flaws laid bare, and he still loves me for them... sometimes though, I fear he misinterprets my expressionist side and misunderstands my needs.

We've both had time. I've learnt a lot this year, both about myself and the situation I found myself in.  I have a new appreciation for what I had, for N and what he provided for me, but I've also grown and learnt a lesson in independence which has made me feel strengthened from within. 

I honestly don't know what next year holds for N and I.  Next year I will have to find my own place to live.  There's fear of more unknowns, but I feel equipped to cope.  I have no idea if what I am writing is a beginning or an ending; a prelude or an epilogue, whatever it is though, it's been a part of  a chaotic and emotive 2012 that I won't forget.  

An Interjection: The Fear

FINALLY.  A decent drama series written by someone who actually cares about film.



I saw the ad for this last week and having loved the films NEDS and Tyrannosaur I was immediately intrigued by the fact this starred the same actor- Peter Mullan, in a similar role. 

The first episode aired last night and I was immediately impressed with the camera work, compositions and analogies used to create the uneasy atmosphere.  Coastal erosion, regeneration of an old pier, the sea, soceital breakdown and the invasion of a criminal gang are all used as motifs echoing the graual loss of the central characters mind to dementia. 

I'm gripped.  I just hope the remaining three episodes live up to my expectations and continue to inspire. 

Faith restored in story telling on TV.  :-)

Reflections on 2012 part 1.

The year is drawing to a close.

I started off 2012 having left my best friend and partner of 8 years*, my home, alot of my belongings and the place where my heart and soul had resided for a year, impressing its gentle watermarks into the walls, surfaces and ambiance of each room.  My mum was recovering from her breast cancer surgery, and my job was once again potentially under threat at a place where I'd found many friends and felt like one of the family. 

Everything felt upside down.  I was exhausted and mostly in tatters and about this time last year I had already decided that something had to change. 

By January, I was back at my parents home, sleeping in a cold, back room of the house on a sofa bed.   I started looking around for other jobs around this time too.  By March, I was getting interviews for new jobs and after a few successful ones and two job offers I opted for a new job in Walsall, a promotion, and all round challenge.  It was to be my second huge step into the unknown so early on into the year and despite the fears and conflictions I seized the opportunity as a new start.

During these months of interviews and CV's an job spiel, two things happened- I learnt how to juggle (!) and I met L* who was working down the coridoor in a temporary office.  L has become my biggest smile of 2012.  In him, I have found a true best friend for life and I owe him an awful lot for his stoic support, kind words and encouragement over the year.  I love him dearly and hope I never ever lose his friendship.
In contrast, during this time I met a second person who would be my biggest mistake of the year.  I also thought, this person- who I won't even grace with an initial, would be a true friend.  I shared a great deal with them and, perhaps mislead by the sadness and instability in my life at the time, I leant on them for support.  Instead, my trust was betrayed and I got caught up in bitter mind games resulting in nothing but let down, hurt and confusion. 

I started my new job at the end of April.* The timing couldn't have been better as I needed to get away from the pressure cooker of friend-politics that had been building.  After three years communting by train, I had to step away from time tables, platforms, reading newspapers and books in a carriage and healthy, brisk walks- and swap it for a 25 minute commute of sitting still staring at a road surface.  I felt lost, stepping away from the comforts of my good friends, my work family who I had loved seeing daily- into a cold, old building in a very different area of the West Midlands.  At a time where I craved stability and order, I found the transition hard but was relieved to find that my new working team was friendly and welcoming. 
Resolution 1: Be more active.

Despite my friendly team, the job itself has brought about a new perspective of policing, people, culture and criminality.  Instead of working on the peripheries of policing in a supportive role, I've learnt an awful lot from being thrust into the thick of actual police work.  It's opened my eyes and altered some of my opions, and this in turn has added to my angst and fury at this odeous, bile-inducing- Government's policies. It's left me very resentful, as I'm sure regular blog readers will already know with many of my posts this year taking on a political rant tone in utter disgust at some of the unjustified impositions this Tory government has created. 
Resolution 2: Be less angry.

May saw the birth of my little neice- Natalie*; another small blossom of newness, hope and smiles in an otherwise tumultuous and rocky time. 

In late July, early August, our family cat Oscar had to be put down*.  He was a friendly, clumsy, 14 year old black and white cat who had seemed well up until the week before his death.  He had a deteriorating heart condition due to his age.  I'm glad that I was with him when he was put to sleep.  I held him, stroked his head as his eyes closed, and kissed him goodbye with a thank you for his life in our family home.  He's left a small hole.  Our remaining cat, Phoebe misses him, and she has been changed by his absence. She seems lost sometimes, and anxious of being alone- something I can very much relate to this year.  I miss him too.

Living back at the family home after almost ten years of independence hasn't come easy.  It's had an impact on my family relationships, some of which I will discuss later*. 

My creativity hasn't gone by the wayside this year either.  It's been a busy, chaotic year but I've managed to find time to complete some sculpture projects amidst it all.  I think one of my resolutions next year will be to make more time for creative projects.  That means more photo's.  More clay.  And learning a new skill.
Resolution 3: Be more creative.

My main trip of the year was my visit to Brugge with N.  It was a beautiful place and it was great taking photographs, breathing clean air into my lungs, and just experiencing being somewhere so quaintly, stunning. Whilst I don't think the two of us felt completely relaxed, images and sights will remain alive in my memory with fondness and warmth.  Highlights included a fantastic Dali exhibition, and seeing works by Miro and Picasso in smaller exhibitions there.  I also really want to go back to Brussels next year for a weekend and spend time visiting the many art galleries and museums as we only dropped by for a couple of hours on our way home. 

Fast track a couple of months and I feel more settled in my job.  My team friendships grow almost daily, and I feel that each passing week brings me closer into the fold.  I am aware that my job will only be for another 12 months, but I'll try and make the most of being where I am for the time being; gathering as much training and knowledge as I can ready for my next step and challenge.  As the year closes, I'm starting to miss my home again.  Whilst I have much to be grateful for, I still have things to aim for, things I need in my life in order to feel whole again.  I've entertained the thought that perhaps that bit of emptiness is okay,that it may always remain and that all I actually need to do is learn to appreciate and step back; to make more time for the things I enjoy, to laugh more and spend time with people I care about and who care about me.  This year has taught me all those things are vital and while I'm entering the christmas period feeling wary of sadness- at a time where everyone turns to family and I'm still not sure where I belong- I'm also hopeful that what I've learnt this year will help me make better decisions and be a better person. 
Truth be told, I was dreading this christmas away from home, away from a loving partner, and looking back on the difficulties of the year.  But, my brother, his wife and my little neice will be joining the family Christmas this year for the first time and I hope that it will be special for that alone. 

I'm going to be diving into some of the topics I've discussed here in more detail in the run up to Christmas.*

Resolution 4: Blog more.

Busy Bee!

It's a busy time of year.  I am, however, smugly able to say that I have completed all my christmas shopping and about two thirds of it is wrapped and ready to roll!

It'll be a wierd christmas for me this year; no tree or home of my own to decorate for christmas.  I am once again in charge of decorating the Christmas table at my families home which I have started to gather bits for.  The christmas period itself will be nice, with my brother, sister-in-law and my little neice coming back to the UK for the first time in years.  It'll be the first time I've met my neice and the first time the whole family will be under one roof. 

I will be keeping myself pre-occupied and busy in the run up to christmas to avoid feeling glum about not being in my own home anymore and being out of a relationship.  I have a couple of christmas do's and birthday parties to attend, so my weekends are fully booked.  It should help to keep my mind off things, though my bank balance is bound to take a bit of a hammering!

Sleep.

I feel tired today.

Sleep.

People take it for granted but to me it is one of the most precious things on this planet.

I have always had a very tumultuous relationship with sleep. Even when I was small, I struggled to sleep well.  Night times had the prepensity to bring a mixture of nightmares or just hours of my imagination roaming in the darkness.  Nightmares as a child, or the inability to switch off my active mind left me with general irregular sleeping patterns.  I became fussy, requiring optimum conditions of temperature, light, quietness in order to actually settle enough to fall asleep.

As I entered secondary school, came the anxiety of not getting enough sleep to concentrate on my lessons the following day and so the fear of not sleeping became the problem itself as it fuelled my difficult sleeping patterns.  It was at secondary school I experienced my first bout of depression and anxiety which obviously meant inability to sleep as well as general lethargia and a fatigue that I just could not quench.  

Through college and university, the trials of growing up, studies, relationships weighed on my mind at night coupled with the student lifestyle and diet of countless nights out, alcohol and takeaways. My mental health issues of my teens were also never far away impacting my sleep patterns further.  It was just after graduating university however that I experienced my first proper taste of night terrors. 

The Terrors consisted of periods of paralysis where I felt fully conscious, able to see my surroundings and move my eyes but unable to move the rest of my body.  I could sometimes hear voices shouting at me above my head, or hear screaming but I was unable to move or roll over to "wake" out of it.  During these moments, I was unsure of where reality ended and a dream state began.  Although I could see, and the room around me was visible, there were also times where there appeared to be a screen lifted from my sight, as if my eyes were opening. It's difficult to describe just how frightening these times were.

Following the terrors, was my first episode of Insomnia.

It wasn't just little sleep or disturbed sleep or patchy sleep.  It was no sleep.  It lasted three weeks.  In that time I tried over-the-counter remedies which did nothing.  I finally went to the doctors and was given temazepam. 

This was my saviour at a time of exhaustion and desperation.  Although there is no physical pain to Insomnia, it's a gradual, slow erosion of you from the inside.  You have no energy.  Mornings I would be in tears, just knowing I'd clocked another 8 hours of full consciousness.  I was tired, miserable, and I feared my depression was literally looming round every corner.  I felt like a shadow of myself and on the verge of a breakdown. Temazepam literally saved me from this by providing me my first night of actual sleep in weeks.  I can not describe how this felt.  Literally can not put it into words.  

I'm glad to say that I've not experienced that level of Insomnia again.  I still have difficulty sleeping.  Anything that stops me sleeping now feels like a personal attack.  Noise, lights, ticking clocks and snoring all become my enemy depriving me of this precious resource, like oxygen.  If you're lucky enough to be able to sleep well, or one of these wierdo's who doesn't even have to think about falling a sleep- I hope you realise you have an invaluable commodity. Since sleep deprivation is used as a weapon; a recognised torture method I also hope you think twice if you snore.  Persistent snoring should be punishable by death as far as I'm concerned. 

Sleep tight.

The Irony of a Moral-less Pope.

Pope's Butler jailed for 18months.

 

Right, while I'm in full flow... I might as well comment on THIS infuriating saga too. 

 

The Pope's butler has been jailed for 3 years, reduced to 18 months due to a prior clean record.  This is for theft of documents.   

 

Righto, up next then, prosecution of the catholic church for harboring paedophiles, covering up abuse, perverting the course of justice, interfering with witnesses, years of systemic and horrific child abuse...? No??

 

Fucked up doesn't even come close. 

 

I think this says it all... Thank you Tim.

 

 



And the rage continues...

I've lived through a conservative government before but I was a child and therefore politics had very little obvious impact on my life, or any that I would be able to understand or acknowledge.  However, now, as a voting adult- this is the first time I've had to endure such elitist, damaging, incompetent bile as is the Tory agenda. 

This government and their politics prove on a daily basis that they are the very antithesis of everything I believe and stand for.  Just when I think they can't possibly rile me anymore, this happens:

Jeremy Hunt backs 12-week legal limit on abortions

 

 

Now, firstly, this man is our health secretary.  This is a man who believes in homeopathy and tried to ban Danny Boyle from his NHS tribute at the Olympic opening ceremony, presumably because he didn't want the Plebs and peasants realising how valuable it was before he starts privatising it all. 

 

This utter knob is now wading into a debate into abortion.  Hmm, yes, lets have a Conservative MALE make decisions about womens rights and womens bodies, based on very very little scientific argument at all to boot. 

 

The womens secretary is laughable too- or it would be, if the absolute horror of the situation wasn't apparant:  Maria Miller- A "Modern Feminist".  Er, no. Simply put- Fucking hell no.

 

This government is going to fail just about every single faction of soceity not born into huge inheritances or isn't a multi-billion-tax-avoiding corporation.  It's time to stop whining about who started this and stop falling back on labour bashing because you can't accept YOUR governments failures.  These hateful, frankly useless, elitist idiots who have no respect for the hard working members of soceity who put them all to shame, NEED. TO. GO.  

 

Failing on EVERY single level of their shoddy plans at making cuts and rebuilding the country.

Failing to reduce public sector spending.

Destroying our public services.

Degrading, privatising, publicly disrespecting and dissolving the Police service.

Making vast quantities of people redundant, unemployment sky high. 

Removal of key benefits and a failure to get a grasp on a decent benefits system for people who actually deserve it.

Not addressing tax avoidance by huge companies and corporations including banks.

Reducing services, with little payback for those of us paying for it.

No growth.

No help for small business and start ups.

Women paying the largest prices in terms of unemployment and benefits cuts.

Failed, corrupt rail bids on important services- costing the tax payer 40bn.

 

.... the failures are absolutely endless.

 

It's not good for my health, my blood pressure or my stress levels.  I've been angry pretty much throughout their victorian-esque rule and I'm sick of it.  They're plan hasn't even worked - all fears and concerns are realised DAILY.  Unless of course, their plan is to segregate soceity and widen the gap between rich and poor- that they have fulfilled wonderfully.  Worse yet, the full extent of damage from their incompetence won't be seen for another 3-5 years and it frankly scares me.

 

And now they're launching an attack on something else that's very important to me- Womens rights.  Deep breaths... count to ten... it'll all be over soon.

 

 



 

 

PC Plebs

Some of my colleagues protesting against shamed Sutton Coldfield Tory knobhead Andrew Mitchell after his "Fucking Pleb" rant at an officer outside Downing St a few weeks ago -

Federation of PC PLEBS fight back.

 

 

 

Eight Legged Freaks.

After a couple of weeks fighting the good fight and having to rid the house of these vile, evil beasts; imagine my utter horror happening upon the following article:

The Return Of Britain's Biggest Spider.

  

This article goes on to explain how ten zoos around the country have been breeding this uber spider and are about to set about releasing them into the wild.  This actually means, they've been breeding billions and billions of a massive super spider which they're now about to release into peoples homes.  We all know that these things are clever; evil-clever.  They've managed to get themselves bred with the advantages and safety of scientific-human help and now they're being released into people's houses- because we all know they rarely live outside where they could catch a hell of a lot MORE of the food they ALLEDGEDLY eat: flies;  A long held argument for their existence which is, of course, crap.  They would have no need to live inside houses if they ate flies.  There's a FAR greater chance of catching flies OUTSIDE- where all the flies are.  Needless to say, the great big bastards that stalk people's homes don't have 'catchy' webs for flies, they just leave trigger trails to pounce on and eat, what I can only assume, are other spiders or people. 

 

I have found a number of spiders in my close proximity in the last few weeks.  My knowledge of these things has grown over many years of observation and brain storming (see Spider Theory) and as such I knew the first few I saw last week were just the small ones;  The scouts.  The ones that stake out the territory before the big ones come in.  I was right. 

There it was in the bath. 

 

I tried to drown it. But it formed an umbrella with it's legs, an air pocket, so it couldn't drown.  This intelligence fills me with dread.  They know stuff.  They think.  You can see them thinking.  I therefore had to resort tothe rather uncomfortable, but necessary, scorchingto death of turning on the hot tap.  I don't care what anyone says- they're evil.  It does NOT need to be in the house.  If they wish to come up with an agreement by which they stay the fuck away from me, I will happily share the earth with them.  But if they INSIST on invading my house, trying to crawl on me, or touch me in any way shape or form, or threaten to, they will die.  Until of course they overpower us. 

 

Not entirely sure how I'm going to sleep tonight knowing that some IDIOTS have been releasing these 8cm leg span spiders with the ability to glide over water... but still, I have a whole day off work tomorrow to enjoy so sleep I must.  

P@ssw0rd5 R@nT

If I have to remember another password I actually think I'll suffer some sort of hemorrhage.  And all that will come out will be random numbers and letters.

I now have passwords to just about every area of my life now- business, pleasure, ANYTHING. 

Bank - MY money!
Phone accounts
Facebook - friends
Twitter
itunes- music
Shopping accounts online
My website! My art is passworded?!?
Work - getting on for about 26 systems, door codes or passworded accounts now.

Next my friends are going to be passworded.

IMPORTANT information is being lost out of my brain on a DAILY basis by having to remember all these ridiculous passwords. 

They're not even words anymore either- they have to have numbers in awkward places or they can't actually be an english word at all!!!! And THEN. THEN you have to re-bloody-create them after 30 days!!!!! I have to write them down. But you forget where you wrote them, or forget to update them when you ultimately have to reset your password that one time you lose your list of passwords.  I even have a remember password thing on my computer, but I sometimes forget the password for that... YES, you read that right, I have a PASSWORDED password rememberer service.  Oh. My. God.  It's like one of the circles of hell.

It's becoming impossible. One day I swear I'll forget my own name and instead have to replace it with a highly secure password made up of between 8 and 10 alphanumerical chraracters ensuring at least 3 numbers equidistant from the start and end of the chosen strand, replaced every thirty days with a password NOT previously used in the past five months!!

If I ever become a multi millionaire I will employ someone full time to remember ALL my passwords.

Rant over.

PUNK-ture!

Franko had a puncture on Friday. It was a slow puncture and after having to call out the AA to fit the teeeeeney spare wheel I didn't even know I had- it became clear just what had caused it; a great big nail in Frankos tyre. Poor little Franko looked terribly pathetic with his tiny little spare wheel. It reminded me of Nemo's lucky fin.

Having no car, and being on a training course in Birmingham this week meant resorting to my old mode of commuting- Train! I've missed the train.  I miss being able to read, people watch and listen to my own little soundtrack.  I even miss my walks to and from the station even though I haven't missed the soaking wet clothes from walking in the rain.  Having said that, I've also had to get a bus the last two days and I have to say it's one of the most DIRE experiences now, getting a bus.  FULL of smelly, wierdo's and irritating children.  The seats are dirty and damp, and there's ALWAYS an obligatory empty bottle or drinks can rolling around on the floor up and down the bus which no one wants to touch in case they get infected with disease.  VILE.

After waiting for three days to get his special size tyre delivered (at a cost of £100!?!) I've finally got him back on the road.  I bought him a lovely new cherry air freshener, a boot bag, and a nice car cover for the winter to protect him from the frost and snow, all for being good at the garage while he got fixed.  :)

Welcome back Franko!!!


 

Oscar.

A few weeks ago, our family cat Oscar died. 

Although he'd reached an age of about 13-16 years old (being a rescue cat we were always uncertain of his exact age), he seemed young at heart and in spirit.  Within the space of a short week his health deteriorated and my sister, V and I had to take the decision to have him put to sleep.  He was in pain and had been struggling to breathe properly for a few days and the two of us took the vets advice and had him put down.  We travelled to the vets and I held him and said my goodbyes whie the vet delivered his injenction. 

I still miss him.  The house feels incomplete, and our remaining cat Pheobe is still a very much lost without him.  She's become very needy and clingy since Oscar died, which could be a sign of stress or maybe even grief. 

V and I have decided to purchase a small engraved stone for the back garden.  Oscar loved sitting in the shade on a nice sunny day. 

 

 

 

We miss you.

xx

...then two come along at once.

We observed a two minutes silence at work today for the two fallen police officers who lost their lives serving Greater Manchester Police.  That could have been any one of my colleagues; my friends.  A very humbling thought. 

I hope it's a reminder to the public and the government that a LOT of work and risk goes into keeping people safe. 

Posts are like buses, you wait ages for one...

The wonderful Mrs P, whose amazing wedding I attended just a few weeks ago, has put up a blog post which is still making me smile a good hour after reading it.

See post here-   Wedding Wednesday: Top of the Cake Toppers

Needless to say, the whole little project, in which I was entrusted with the privilige of seeing outfits BEFORE the wedding!!!, was an absolute pleasure and all I hoped was that I captured the wonderful personalities of this lovely and perfect couple.

Highs and Lows.

The storm:

Work. Missing my old job/colleagues/work banter/friends.  Missing my old life.  Missing N- The way we used to be. POLITICS. Missing my home.  Missing my belongings.  Feeling torn.  Indecisive.  Having no base, no roots.  Not belonging.  Permanent state of confusion. Feeling inadequate compared to friends and family.  Being surrounded by reminders that I should be settled. FEAR of never being happy or not knowing how to be. Being screwed over.  Realising I got someone wrong.  Being hurt.  Feeling Lost.  Not being able to afford a home vs.  Not wanting to live alone. Drinking too much.  Loneliness. DANCING to ESCAPE.


The calm:

My neice- seeing my brother and my family so full of love for her.  Sculpting.  Friends who care. New Shoes. Dancing to escape. Music. My own little car. Seeing my friends happy.

Splurge.

Yikes.

It's been a while again.  I've had bloggable tales for months but lack of computer access is preventing me blogging at the moment.

My "new" job has wierdly turned into 6 months in, and I still feel majorly lacking in knowledge and training. 

I've been let down by a good friend recently.  Though its become quickly apparant they weren't a good friend at all.  It's made me value the friendships that have lasted.  I know I don't always make the effort I should do with some of my friends- the monotany of the day to day cycle gets in the way sometimes but it's clear that those deserving of my friendship will remain in my life regardless.

I've completed a couple of sculpture projects recently which have grounded me and made me feel whole again.  The last one I completed was for Miss P's wedding.  Neither bride nor groom to be have seen it yet so I'm getting knots in my stomach thinking of them seeing it for the first time.  I really hope they like it. I love that I've been able to contribute in a small way to their big day and give them something that hopefully they can keep forever as a token of the days memories and happiness. :)  

The problem I have right now is that with work being what it is, and my accomodation situation getting steadily worse, missing the home life I once had- I've been over compensating with nights out, drinking and spending money.  I've had a bit of a splurge recently in preparation for Miss Ps wedding next weekend which I am so excited for. I have some pretty amazing shoes as a result, but I'm well aware that no amount of shoes are going to replace the hole I feel in my heart at the moment.

As much as my heart fills for them both, I have to admit it could be a hard day on a personal level... seeing old uni friends, maybe realising that so many people have what I don't have... What I could have had, maybe.  I guess no wedding is complete without the obligatory feelings of inadequacy after a few drinks. 

After next weekend- I am definitely cutting down on alcohol.

Sucker Punch.

Someone I trusted let me down.  Massively. 

It's partly my fault.  I'm an open person, and I tend to expect most people are honest.  Someone I considered a friend has proven that I need to be a little bit more cautious with my trust.  When the anger subsides, I mostly just feel furious at myself for trusting them. 

I am beginning to feel very drained.  Words aren't coming easily at the moment.  I have a week booked off work next week and I'm heading to Bruge with N for a while to recooperate relax for a bit. 

I'll spend the weekend sculpting, immersing myself in what I am good at, then fly away for a while. No phone. No tv. Just air and new sights.  I'm going to take my SLR and take some shots to reaquaint myself with the beauty and simplicity of taking a photograph through a lens.

I can't wait.

Steady as she goes.

It's been so long since I last blogged that the whole ruddy blog site has changed!

My new job is well underway.  I'm still criminally undertrained- literally lol. Badum tush.  There is much yet to learn, and I'm still overwhelmed by vast portions of the job.  However, I'm getting good feedback from my bosses so I mustn't be doing too badly.  I miss the banter within that family unit that I had with my old job.  I know this takes time to build, but I realise just how much that work family unit had been my distraction from all the other crappy stuff going on.  Now I don't have it, it highlights how lonely I feel.  Even when I'm surrounded by people.

My sleep is disrupted lately.  I know why.  Lack of direction mainly. 

I need to find a more permanent place to live.  I need to start listening to my head not my heart.

It's not all gloom.  I have some sculpting projects underway as well as some 2d artwork.  It'll focus my mind a little and the process of building, constructing and creating will be good for my soul at a time where a lot of things seem to be falling a part.

Hold it together.  Keep calm.  And carry on.

Pause.

Nearly three months since my last post. 

You could say I'm in limbo.  No real place to call home.  Still struggling to get clarity on what I want and what is right for me.  I miss my home immensely but I guess you can make anywhere a home.

Having said that, the last three months have brought about some further changes.  I managed to land myself a new job, which I've now been posted in for three weeks.  I'm exhausted from training course after training course... but ultimately, I think this will be a really challenging and interesting job that I can really develop into.  Plus, despite Teresa May's best efforts, my job "should" be secure for at least two years.  I think that's as secure as a job is going to get under this government. Score. What's not so good is the fact that moving away from some good friends at my old work location is making me feel even more isolated.  My friends provided me with the laughs, alcohol and chats that were keeping me going... and now I've moved away from them too.  I know my new team will fill that gap eventually, but that takes time, and right now, having something solid, continuous and stable was such a welcome thing. 

Because of my new job I've had to ditch my rail commuter pass, and get myself a car.  He's a matt black Fiat 500 called Franko, and he's awesome.  He has blue stripes and although he's not too fast, he turns heads and makes an impression.  I love seeing people walk passed him in the carpark and comment on how awesome his paint job is.  :-) He makes me smile. And I need that at the moment.
I have to say I am NOT liking driving to work.  I miss the train journey; the space to snooze, read, spy, people watch, listen to my mp3 player and lose myself for a while, absolve myself of the responsibility of transporting myself from one place to another... now I have to sit in the same position for 30 boring minutes, a slave to a set posture and a radio station.  It's restrictive.  However, I'm not unaware of the advantages- no waiting around, no 15 minute walk in the freezing rain before and after my journey, being able to wear heels to work! And of course, showing the world Franko.

My little neice is due in 9 days time.  Unfortunately seeing as she will be born and living in Japan, you could say my Auntie skills won't be particularly well utilised, but it's exciting nonetheless. 

I spent yesterday painting a friend's nursery wall which winded up looking pretty awesome... it was nice to be around paint again.  I have some creative projects on the horizon, which means I also need to get my shit together and sort out accomodation so that I can work on these projects effectively.  I have two cake toppers to do for August, and some band artwork to work on too so I'm really looking forward to "finding myself" again by immersing myself in creative practice again.

These things are good for me.  I need these things.  

Home.

Okay.

I need to get this out. It's not likely to make much sense... but here goes.

I am in the process of a huge change in my life, and I'm feeling the biggest sense of loss I've ever experienced.

My home, my surroundings are incredibly important to me. Wherever I live- I need to feel that my surroundings reflect my personality, I need to feel safe, comfortable and like I'm stepping inside myself when I'm home.

Four weeks ago, I moved back to my folks house. I'm sleeping on a sofa bed, in a cold back room which isn't even a bedroom, with about a tenth of my belongings and pretty much living out of a suitcase and temporary clothes rail. It's the home I was raised in, but after living by myself for the past eight years, it's hard to suddenly find myself away from all my belongings, my home, my pictures on the walls along with all the independence and privacy that comes from owning your own property. Within the space of four weeks, I feel an immense sense of loss that I might be walking away from not only my relationship, my best friend of eight years, but also my lifestyle, my home... and probably the only chance I have at actually owning my own place and having it exactly the way I want it.

I need home. I miss it so much. I put my all into making this house a home... and now I face the devastating realisation that I have to walk away from it all and it hurts so freakin' much.

I'm in limbo right now and it would appear this is how it could be for a while, whilst I work out my next few unsteady steps.

Crossroads...

... and I feel totally, utterly and completely lost.

Try Not to Worry.

Apparantly, this is a big year for me. No shit!

According to a colleague who loves her astrology, this year is one of big decisions and major changes. Apparantly. And apparantly this is all down to Saturn.

I think it's because I'm turning 29, am unhappy and need changes to try and get my head and my life in order.

It's scary, uncomfortable and I think this year in many ways is going to be intensley painful... but I'm trying to be positive and honest with myself as to what I need and want.

Trying not to worry is one of the hardest things for me. As a naturally anxious person, telling me not to wory is like telling me not to breathe. It happens. On it's own. I do worry... all the freakin' time! But I'm trying to let that go... that it's okay that I'm worried, but that I need to just trust that things are going to be okay in the end. I am not a weak person and I need to trust in that. I need to also stop worrying too much about being hurt, or hurting others. Those things hold you back... and I don't want to do that this year.

I have big things happening right now. I can feel it. Some bad, some good, but all experiences that I know I need to go through in order to sort my head and heart out. They may work, they may fail, but it's necessary. Today, despite the anxiety I feel, I looked out of the train window to the most intensely colourful and beautiful sky I have seen in ages. Despite all the impending stress and potential pain... I felt peaceful.

And when all is said and done... I can always blame Saturn if it all goes wrong.

2012

I had an odd Christmas this year- lovely but reflective.

I have some tough and huge decisions to make this year based on the below:

I want to really strive to be happier.

I want to make more time for creativity- sculpting, photography, embedding myself back into the cultural landscape by visiting people, places, art galleries, gigs.

I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time or my life this year- I want to make things count and make the most of the amazing friends and family I have.

Whilst I'm not the most confident person in the world, I'm confident in my values, my beliefs and opinions and what is important to me.

I need to try not to get bogged down with things- politics etc. I've had a very angry, stressful year and I need that to stop for my health and wellbeing.

I was given an awesome diary for christmas as a gift. It's called "2012 Masterplan for World Domination" and it gives me little tasks for each week, and certain days e.g Practice your evil laugh day! There's also a manifesto each month which I should seriously try and complete. I feel like it's really going to help me through a tumultuous year.

Deep breaths. It's all going to be okay.