Speech!

Apologies for the lack of blogging over the last few weeks. They seem to have flown by in one big, blurry, hectic and sometimes nasty mess, but I'm still plodding on. I am now back in Brum. Niall is having to rethink a few things and grow up, whilst I am trying to do whatever it takes for me to be happy- short term and long term. But I am okay and thanks for those of you who have listened to me, helped me or hugged me in the last week or two.

Christmas was pretty quiet this year. Things were obviously going to feel different and a bit sad since I'd moved back home. The change has been a breath of fresh air and after recent events I've been revitalised and I'm feeling stronger and surer about things than I have in a long time. I've rediscovered a part of myself that seems to get buried alot, and it's nice to finally see it all again. I am essentially slink, and one thing I will ALWAYS love about myself is that I'm totally true to myself and who I am. It's take it or leave it- and it's your loss if you can't be bothered to find out more about me. I'm sexy, I'm fucken cool, I'm talented, I appreciate solidity, truth, passion, creativity, ideas, friendship and I genuinely care about people who take the time to get to know me. I'll never be a walk over, and I'll always have an opinion, I'll speak out if I feel I have to and I'll not settle for being treated wrongly either. I don't ask for anything more of people than they would expect in return, and I won't put my career on the back burner without a decent compromise. I don't think any of this is unfair or unjust, if people don't like it, don't like how I dress, act, look, they can fuck the hell off and leave me be.

Speech over. :)

For christmas I got:

A big green Lizard
DVD's
CD
Red nail varnish
Two scarves and a hat
Gloves, two bandanas, some earings and a hat from my bro in Japan
Plenty of booze
Even more chocolate and sweets
Some charms for my bracelet
Clothes
Perfume
A beautiful star and some Willy Wonka pencils
A Nightmare before Christmas game
A shrug
Spider Earings
Money
A book about photography
A book full of cake recipes!
The obligatory smellies
oooh and some fortune telling fish!

Think that's just about it so I'm pretty chuffed.

My next issue is deciding wether to buy a cowboy hat with my christmas money or save it for boring self promotion work.... hrmmmmm...

A Big Mistake.

All of a sudden everything has gone black. But I can still see the lies and I can still feel the sting of my wounds. Crushed, ripped, skin torn, heart charred... I hope it was worth it.

I deserve better. As little as I think of myself, I deserve so much more than you.

Only smarties have the answer...

It's been one of those uppy downy sort of days today... but I've noticed a pattern to today that's quite encouraging. I woke up with really bad tummy cramp so that put me in a bad mood, and spent the morning looking for jobs (as per usual) with which I got nowhere (as per usual), however the ladybug phoned me round dinner time so I enjoyed a nice salad and a good natter with her. I realised how much I miss being at home, but I also felt better for catching up with an old mate. Things took a turn for the worse again when I went to get a few things from asda for cooking my cottage pie tonight. Urgh it was busy and annoying and two people walked into me without so much as a glance or an apology, assholes. I also got pissed off by the fact that I had to buy a 70cl bottle of Baileys (can't explain why, but trust me it HAD to be 70cl) costing £9.89 when a HUUGE one litre bottle cost £9.84 ... now where's the logic in that?!? To make matters worse I got ID'd buying the damn thing! Stupid Asda. However, on returning home and rummaging through my bag to find my key- I found like twenty smarties in the bottom of my bag! In perfect condition I might add, and from last weekend!

On the sight of suprise chocolate I immediately calmed down and knew that everything was going to be okay. :-)

Bus stop.

I was waiting at the bus stop last week and as you would expect a little old lady came to join me in my wait for the bus. She started talking to me about the cold weather and how the buses were always late etc, the usual old lady at a bus stop conversational topics, and I obviously chatted away back to her. So anyway, a few minutes later this black guy comes along in a rather wicked long coat and asks us what time the bus comes, he looked pretty freezing and was jumping on the spot, rubbing his gloved hands together to keep warm.

So there we were, the three of us, me, the sweet little old lady and the guy in the coat; all cold and waiting for the bus, laughing together at the cold weather and united in our longing for the warm bus to hurry up and collect us. Then it happened... one of those awful moments. The little old lady turned to me and whispered - "They're probably not used to the cold are they?" nodding over at the Black guy... :-o !!! ... errr... what do you do when a sweet old lady says something like that?! All I could do was sort of fake smile at her. I know it obviously comes from her generation's mind set but still... if it had been my Grandad or something I'd have said "well actually Grandad he was probably born here so I'm sure he's as used to it as the rest of us", but there I was caught between being nice and respectful to old people and blatent albeit unintentional racism. Bus stops eh?

Anyways, in other news, I had a drink of Apple Juice this morning... nice, you may be thinking, so what's the big deal? Well, I'd already had a few sips and had noticed a funny smell about it, but I carried on anyway, thinking it couldn't be off or anything. Another sip... and coming to think of it, it definately tasted a bit wierd too... I just couldn't place what it tasted like... about two sips later it hit me... it was Niall's Mexican Chicken. EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW. It was rank. This chicken has been stinking out our fridge for the last day or two as it gradually fills up his sandwiches, and up until now it's been just about manageable... but I draw tha line at the smell being SO overpowering it actually starts to infiltrate and infuse other foods in the fridge! Hell, I have CHOCOLATE in there for gods sake!!! It's going, there's no doubt about it.

Ew.

Moneymas

Christmas shopping isn't going well this year. I usually have some degree of confidence in my budget, in getting things people will like (mostly), and in being organised enough to get them all in good time. But, this year I have no idea what to get people, have minus three million pounds (or so it feels) and can't see me being able to get organised. It's been stressing me out more than usual- I think mainly because of money, and i've exhausted the "hand made gifts" thing for the last two years running, so that's not really an option.

I have made a small start though, and I managed to get three and a half pressies and remain under budget by quite a long way so that's good news. I can feel myself turning into a right bargain hunter this year... but I refuse point blank to mention anything being cheap as chips.

I also mananged to sell a DVD on ebay for £12.50 ... yes, £12.50... and I completely think I've seen it in the shops for half that... Ha! Give me your money Idiot... :-D

House Warming

This house shivers.

As I spend most of the night lying awake, I've become aware of the bed shivering every now and then. I've slowly discounted all the possibilities- like Niall twitching about or snoring or whatever, me moving, traffic causing vibrations- as I couldn't hear any large lorries or anything, it's not in my head either, I have damn good senses and I can actually feel it. It's happened a fair bit at night; I couldn't work it out anyway... I ended up just assuming it was pipes or something.

However, I was sitting at the computer a few days ago in the middle of the day. The main road outside our house was quiet and I sit by the window so I could see there was nothing on the road. I felt it... the house shivered. It's so. freakin. wierd. It wasn't enough to make things rattle, though my moniter wobbled a bit, it's just damn strange. Before you go saying that I imagined it, don't bother- I didn't... and though nothing moved I could feel it through my feet and around me; it wasn't an internal shake coming from me.

I checked out for any seismic activity but I can't exactly remember what day it was. However, the only seismic activity in the UK in the last few days has been up in Scotland.

This has got to mean one of the following:

a) I have super heightened senses and can feel every movement of the earth

b) Our house has been built on an old coal mine and is going to collapse

c) It's just rrrrreeeeally cold

hmm. Anyone know of any companies selling house sized scarves and hats?

Ultimate Mash

I make THE best mash potato in the world... I'm sure of it... Delia can go jump.

rocky bouncy ouchy rock

You can always measure the greatness of a night out's playlist by how sore your body is the next day. It's taken two full days to get full neck movement back, and for my ankles to feel like they're attached again... which means that mostly the music was pretty damn good. It was pretty strange being back in Uni-ville after so long, but I think it's safe to say we had a good night. I think Niall is still in pain, no doubt from insisting on headbanging like a loon, whereas I am mostly fully recovered.

I do believe we'll have to do it all again pretty soon, I don't like not having a weekly dose of rock night, and if it comes to it, I really don't like not being a student at all... but that one's kinda inevitable I suppose.

Big thanks to ktp and rfa for inviting us over. Miss you guys. x

Finally...

... music! I've been looking for aages for a new cd, a new album, something I can really sink into ... and after seeing an advert on TV I did a bit of investigating and found: Joze Gonzalez. I totally love this album. It's acoustic and pretty, chilled and loungy (is that a word?) - just right for the wintery weather. I'd be a happy bunny if I could only write simple little songs like this; really makes me want to get the guitar out again.

At some point today I'll stop listening to Veneer and go buy an onion for cooking my spaghetti bolognese tonight... maybe in a bit anyway...

Noisy Lights.

Niall had never been to a proper bonfire night/ fireworks display other than at Uni, so this Saturday evening was spent standing on the spot for a veery long time, watching noisy lights in the sky. The bonfire was tad disappointing: Some poor sod had constructed this massive wooden wheel with geese on (no I have no idea why either) and the idea was that it spun round as it burnt, I should imagine so that it appeared to resemble a great big Catherine Wheel... sadly it only spun once thanks to this little man pushing it round, then it stopped ... nice in theory, maybe lacking in everything else. It was good watching it collapse into the bonfire though. I think there's a primal connection with watching fire destroy things that just appeals to us all- though I draw the line at throwing massive wooden geese on it. I think I was missing something there... unless geese played an integral part of the gun powder plot that I was unaware of! Either way, I enjoyed it actually and enjoyed it even more for the fact it was free. It did dawn on me however, that either fireworks are getting quieter or my hearing is getting worse. I'd probably say the latter, thanks to many years of loud gigs, and nights out.

aah nights out... so long ago... so many memories... Mark almost breaking his neck from headbanging, or there just being him and Niall moshing to some rubbish on the dance floor while I look on drinking my JD and coke with a welcome blend of comfort and shame, the noise, the people watching, the laughing, my feet aching, Dave breaking loads of glasses by trying to build a glass sculpture, and creating ashtray tortoises... *sigh* ... There ARE plans for a rock night venture in the pipeline so hopefully soon, the New Rocks will get a good thrashing back in Luffy. Woohoo!

Today, I have been mostly burning myself on our grill. It hurts. Alot, and for some reason I've now got a rash all around the burn. Wierd.


Sleep Update: No sleep since last sleeping tablet

Reject.

So I had my first official Illustration rejection yesterday and another one today. It's kinda wierd to know that actual businessy type people have been looking at my work, but still it's a sign of progress in a rejection sort of a way. We've had it drummed into us to expect nothing from any self promotion we do, so I'm not disapointed about this- it's a given. Obviously I'd prefer someone to offer me £10'000 for an advertising campaign... but still.

Unfortunatly the part time job hunt is going just as well as the career one is and am beginning to realise that temping may be my only option now. Fingers crossed.

Spiral Scarecase.

Sleep Update: Signs of improvement.

I haven't posted for a whole week... that is just not acceptable.

I went to the doctors last Tuesday and he prescribed me some Temazapam to help me sleep. I tried it that very night and didn't sleep. hrmm... so I went back home on the Wednesday to see if being at home helped. On the Thursday I had to get up pretty early to go on a daytrip to London with the folks and my sister who hadn't been there before. It was pretty good; The weather was stupidly hot for October but obviously made for a nice day walking about. First stop after a looong tube trip was Buckingham Palace where I think, aside from the Queen, we were the only British people there. I also must have walked into about a million photographs too. Next, we walked up passed Big Ben to get to the South Bank, stopping to watch some fancy dressed Horse Guards on the way. We caught a river bus up to Grenwich where we saw the Cutty Sark and had Bangers and Mash in a tiny non-smokers room of this old pub. After replenishing ourselves with such fine cuisine, we trundled off to The Royal Observatory and somehow managed to gatecrash a University Graduation along the way.

We did the obligatory thing of standing over the Grenwich Line which I must say was a bit of a dissapointment- it really is just a metal line, though watching all the foreign people go mad over it was funny. The actual observatory was ever so slightly boring to me too, full of wierd gadgets and things that I couldn't really understand me being an ex art student and all. I loved the big telescope though in the observatory dome, but almost died trying to get back down the stairway to hell on the way out. I had clocked the sign on the spiral staircase up to the telescope, that read: There is NO return via this staircase. Though it SHOULD have read: There is NO return via this staircase because we ask you to return to solid ground via the Spiral Staircase of Doom on the otherside.

Holy. Crap. I was caught... my sister was in front of me... I had a group of Germans behind me... and the only way out was down the flimsiest looking stairwell I have ever seen. I swear I could have cried... It had HOLES... Great Big Bastard holes so you could see the three flights of stairs to solid ground... I needed time to deal with it but I had none. I gripped on to the main pole bit of the spiral and the bannister which was about as reassuring as holding a pencil while your plummeting to your death... and slowly and not in the least but steadily walked down the stairs, if you can call them that. The urge to just freeze was immense... but I kept going. The worst part being that I couldn't NOT look down! After what seemed like an hour I reached the floor.

I must have been feeling really British because the first thing I did after that was put a suggestion for more signage about the Death-Stairs in the observatory Comments Box.

Soo.. after that, we caught the Boat back to Westminster Pier and walked to Covent Garden for a look see, though I totally think we got lost though my Dad insisted he knew where he was going because " HE HAD A MAP!". Still, after that we caught the tube back to hillingdon, where we'd parked to avoid traffic. I was shattered, we all were but I tried to stay awake on the way back by watching The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy in the car on the way back. I was BOUND to sleep that night ... but I took a sleeping pill anyway, and it worked.

So that was that. Right now, I'm back in Notty and waiting for Creature Comforts to come on TV. Other than London, things have been feeling.. bluegrh of late so hopefully this week will be much more productive.

Fingers Crossed.

Eternal Nightmare of the Sleepless Mind.

I've tried just about everything now, apart from getting completely hammered... and I still haven't slept properly. I've been back home this weekend and even the comfort of my old home bed didn't work... though I did sleep twenty minutes or so which is some sort of progress I guess. I have tried a relaxing bath full of sleepy radox bubble bath, brandy in warm milk, oh, and sleeping tablets... none of which worked. Hopefully the doctor will give me some advice this week, and some massive tranquilisers too. mmmmm tranquilisers...

So, as I said thursday night we drove back to brum. After waiting for months, on Friday night, I finally saw it.... Tim Burton's The Corpse Bride. I loved it, I really really did. The models were simply brilliant and such a progression from A Nightmare Before Christmas; they were so smooth and the movement so fluid... just brilliantly done. The colours, the textures, the scenes and scapes, characters... it was all perfect. The only gripe I had was that it was so short.

The next evening, Mum had bought us tickets to see Stomp. I've seen them before, a few years ago and they're just brilliantly entertaining. Niall hadn't seen them before and seemed suitably impressed by the energy, noise and humour of it all. It was a good night.

So even all that excitement and 'stuff' didn't send me off to sleep... nor did mom's big roast dinner this afternoon, followed by slumping in front of the sofa watching motor racing. I'm buggered. Pass me the whiskey...

Insomniac.

I seem to have forgotten how to sleep. I think I've managed to sleep for about an hour since last monday. At first I was having serious nightmares early last week... and now, nothing. I can't sleep, can't even nap during the day. Today, my body is exhausted, I'm all emotional and I look dead because I'm incredibly tired but I just. can't. sleep.

I need pills.

Movies.

I've seen alot of movies lately... thought I'd do a one (perhaps two) sentence review of each.

NIGHTWATCH:
A very odd but visually appealing Russian film which is entertaining enough if you stick it out to the end; strange storyline, gothy-sci-fantasy overtones and imagery but a decent watch if you're in a dark mood.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN:
Not easy to sum up in a whole sentence, you only really need a four letter word beginning with S and ending with T.

SIDEWAYS:
A character study of two middle aged men on a road trip, quirky rather than funny but not a film for acosy night in because you'll be asleep half way through.

CONSTANTINE:
Hrm. Watchable but inconsistent in quality, Constantine proves to be a mixed bag as it fails to be scary when it wants to be, fails to be thrilling when it wants to be and fails to be intellectual when it wants to be- a bit like Keanu Reeves to be precise. It kept me watching but it seemed to lack that certain something; it had potential but appears "tacky" on the outside.

THE LIFE AQUATIC:
Another odd film but again, strangely captivating. In keeping with Wes Andersons style, the film doesn't rely on a strong narrative to tell a story but quirky, slightly unusual characters. I always find these films strange but the animated creatures and Bowie (ooh and they played Sigur Ros near the end!) soundtrack kept me entertained enough to stick it out 'til the end.

A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT:
From the Director of Amelie, this film is a similar work of art. The story slowly unfolds at just the right pace; heart warming and well written with some good mise en scene for the artsy-fartsy viewer.

SHATTERED GLASS:
The film verison of a true story based around a young journalist who makes up his stories. Though I managed to watch it without wishing I hadn't I was left pretty underwhelmed the whole way through; it ended abruptly without wrapping anything up and it felt like a bit of a waste of time though. Most of the film was us trying to figure out wether the main character was the same guy from Star Wars (Hayden Christensen). I decided he was alot more attractive as Luke Skywalker.

WALLACE & GROMIT, THE CURSE OF THE WIER RABBIT:
Sooooooooooo brilliant and everything you come to expect from such an amazing animation company. The details in sets and scenes are charming, skillful and as humourous as the characters, adding to the whole genius of the typical Aardman experience.

:)

Extraction.

Why do I still cry at that song?
when it means nothing
and never did.

I am more convinced of your emotional frailty
wrapped around a selfish, naive, bitter core.
Cold and calculated
you made sure I wouldn't miss you
Or was it genuine hate?

A glimpse of closeness, a hint of friendship
snatched away in spite
you showed me nothing
but everything a friend shouldn't be.


I found this. Think I wrote it last year. I like it.

Houses and Socks.

Yep, I've been playing on candybar doll maker again... but this time I've made three houses for myself. If only it were this simple!!

Nothing too extravagant as you can see... think the middle one is my favorite.

Oh and to raise awareness for lonely socks all over the world- www.lonelysocks.co.uk.

Piggy.

I took a VERY serious and scientific personality test today. I had to draw a pig.

The results were relatively accurate though one or two things didn't seem right. I am, in fact, very family orientated and I'm certainly not secure, but generally everything seemes right... not sure what Niall will make of the last result though!

Yesterday was such a wierd day. Rfa, Ktp and Rik came over in the afternoon but EVERY plan we made went wrong somehow:

• Driving in to town- couldn't have been worse, nightmare traffic and NO car park spaces anywhere.
• Shopping - It rained, queues everywhere, didn't get what I wanted to get
• Goose Fair - Too much rain, change of plan
• Dinner at Chiquitos - isn't officially open til Monday
• Bowling after meal at Frankie and Bennys - No lanes free til 9.30
• Cinema to see Wallace and Gromit - Sold Out
• Drive home safely - some idiot bumped Nialls car from behind on the way home
• Blockbuster, two free rentals, can't go wrong- ... we picked Kingdom of Heaven which was just the lamest film ever, and Sideways which was veeery slow but watchable.

I smell a conspiracy. Strangely enough, in between the constant knockbacks we had a good time catching up with Rfa and Kt and Rik. It felt like old days and it's made me miss Uni even more today. :(

My website is very nearly up and running... I've yet to put alot of the information on about the art work but Adam's done such a great job on the site despite working full time and being stressed out. BIG thanks Adam... ;)

Onwards and Upwards... Oink.

Fryophobia.

I have returned to Notty in slightly better spirits than before and with no more B.D.S experiences so far. I still have no job and had no luck at the jobcentre so I may be applying for christmas temp work for the time being- it'll be some money coming in nevertheless. The website STILL isn't done and I'm getting a teeny bit worried by the fact that I have to get my promo packs off ... well about two weeks ago. crap.

My cooking skills are very slowly improving since living here and having sod all to do. So far I've managed a chicken and white wine casserole, Norfolk turkey with asparagus, potato and cheese rostis and a pretty damn good dessert- chocolate and pear pudding with baileys and mascarpone cream. *dribble* It's a huge improvement and I don't seem to be scared of frying pans any more which is good.

Today was spent doing lots of bits and bobs including, food shopping, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, and taking pictures of me to update my numerous avatars and display pictures etc etc... they came out quite well and I noticed a variety of slink expressions that may come in handy to some.

Basic Slink Expressions:






= You are boring me.








I am pretending to listen to you.










I am feeling devious.







I wonder...








er... if you see this one... you should probably run.

B.D.S

I woke up in the very early hours of the morning and as any normal person would do, I rolled over to get some more kip. As I did so, I expected to see the rest of my bedroom, the spare bed, wardrobe, and a bit of light from the curtains all in front of me... And I did- but it was covered and surrounded by a really thick mist. Wierdly, my first thought was that I had left the window open and mist had filled my room, but then I distinctly remembered closing my window before getting into bed. Come to think of it, my first thought was "what the..!??!?!" or somehting along those lines. Anyway, in the next second my mind was reeling and I thought it was my eyes going blurry, but I could see my bedcovers perfectly. It was definatly there. I could see outlines, rough shapes but all through a thick mist... or was it smoke..? FINALLY I thought there could be a fire and this was smoke filling my room and I felt my blood rush. I breathed in... and it was normal air, so I sniffed ... nothing, no burning. Wierd, I thought, I should be coughing or suffocating by now. I sat up in a bit of a confused panic.

And then I realised.

For the last minute and a half, looking at what I thought was my room in smoke- I had actually been looking at my bedroom wall.

I rolled over to see my bedroom- free of mist/smoke. And then I felt silly, but equally amazed at how a reflection on a wall can look like a room full of mist! It had so much depth!

B.D.S - Bed Disorientation Syndrome- A strange phenomenon occuring in moment of brief consciousness in which a person expects to see a particular interior or scene but is suprised to find another. The sufferer has become disorientated during sleep and requires seconds or possibly minutes to remember their exact location. There are no further symptoms.

Or should that be Blonde Dumb Slink.

Square One.

I had an interview today but it didn't go well. The job entailed me working saturdays which kinda defeats the point of me living here to be with Niall. When it seemes I wasn't too enthusiastic about Saturday work the interviewer lost interest; up until then I think I stood a good chance. So back to the drawing board.

I have however, bought myself a new watch since my beloved old one was clinging on by tiny strips of leather strap. I can't bare to throw it away though because it's been apart of my arm for years now. My new watch kicks ass though... I'm pleased with it. The flames move and everything! :)

I managed to finish that mini-project last week. Seeing as it was fresh in my mind, I did an illustration for an article about migraine and here's the result:

I think it sums up the feeling quite well... and I just love making brains out of clay and sticking screws in them. woohoo. Took me right back to college.

My Brain Hurts.

I had a migraine yesterday. It felt like my skull was being cracked open; I got really confused and everything hurt- sounds, lights all made it worse. I could feel all the blood vessels in/around my brain throbbing and if this makes any sense I could hear them too. To be honest I wasn't surprised. I had a bout of migraines when I was putting up my degree show so I think they relate to me being a complete stresshead. Annoyingly the lady who lives upstairs (who I have a number of suspicions about but will go into that another time) can't seem to walk around without stomping. She opens and closes drawers and cupboards about a million times a day and I'm pretty sure she moves furniture around at least once a day. Having lived in halls and shared housing I'm kinda used to it... but yesterday, with my migraine, it actually felt like she was walking around ON my head; opening and slamming doors IN my head. Talk about heightened senses... It must SUCK to be a dog or a cat. Imagine smelling EVERYTHING. I have pretty damn good hearing and sense of smell... but I would HATE to smell and hear absolutely everything. How do they ever get to sleep?

I've been thinking about going home; just to recuperate a little. I've been getting down here and I'm finding less and less to do now I've got my self promo packs finished. They can't be sent out until my websties finished so I'm having to bide my time. I still haven't found a job and no one has even got back to me for interview, so I end up sitting around thinking; which is never a good thing. I'm still settling, and it's a big change so I know it'll take time... it's just hard. I'm trying to set myself a few mini projects to do. It'll be good practise to get back into illustrating and making models again. Any ideas much appreciated.

I'll leave you with this picture: Mr Depp, leather, messy hair... we'll overlook the scissors... mmm.


yummy.

Taste buds.

I discovered the other day, that if you eat dairylea on cream crackers, then eat some Walkers ready salted crisps ... it tastes like fried egg.

Slump

I've been reconnected. Though I feel distanced from just about EVERYTHING.

I'm now living in Notty with Niall, though he's obviously started his new job and he's gone all day. I've applied for one job so far, which would be ideal to gain some sort of income while I'm setting up freelance but I've heard nothing back from them. It's frustrating. I just need a little part time job to keep me occupied and get some income. It's getting me down. I'm trying to avoid applying to places that'll really piss me off just yet, though it's starting to look inevitable that I'll be applying to work in ASDA pretty soon. Oh god.

Things are progressing, albeit slowly, with my illustration mail out. I have the packs almost ready to send out to clients and agents so once they're out... it'll be a matter of waiting. And more waiting.

I can't seem to find my identity now I'm in the big wide world, unprotected by the education hierarchy. I was a student. I was an art student. I was Slink, the illustration student. Now I'm nothing really... just unemployed, trying to be self employed, and no one's really noticing just yet.

We do have spongebob in our kitchen window though.

Slump indeed.

I'm bad.

I forgot another birthday. This distresses me so much because it's something I used to be good at, and all of a sudden I'm forgetting them left right and centre. I hate it, it makes me feel selfish and mean. Yes, I've got a lot going on at the moment, setting up, moving, working, finishing work and about to embark on finding a new crappy job to pay rent/food/self promotion ... but geez.... a few dates to remember isn't asking much. :(

I am bad.

I may be moving today. The wierd thing about it though, is that I really don't know if I am or not. I think things are going to be like this for a while... kinda messy and in-between. For me, this could be a period lasting about five years while I go from meanial, crappy part time job to another to survive while I try and get noticed in the Illustration industry. I'm not good with change AT. ALL. Just can't do it. I feel ill for ages when a big change occurs. If I move to notty it's going to be so wierd for a while, so stressful and panicky, and scary. But I know it has to be done at some point.

If I do move, I won't have internet access for a while until it's sorted out. I may be in between here and notty until I decide where is best for me to look for part time work. I may find I can't afford to leave home just yet and have to stay to save money.

I'm totally in limbo here... and it sucks.