Christmas Eve Eve; 2013 Reflections

I'm sitting in my slippers, watching A Christmas Carol on TV.  It's Christmas Eve Eve and I finished work today for the rest of the week. 

It's normally this time of the year when I'm doing a review of the year and compiling some New Years Resolutions, but I'm feeling a distinct lack of energy to do either. Plus, I'm not sure summarising my year will be all that eventful this time!

However... now I think back...

Things I have lost: 

Some friends. Not in a physical sense, they're alive and well.  People change, people move on and some people you realise really aren't worth your time and energy. Those who mean a lot to me, remain, however. Even if I don't see them as much as I would like. Thank you for your continued friendship to Mrs P, Markuus, and my dear N who I will always love with all my heart.

Money- a lot has been thrown away on copious drinking, nights out and shoes... but all in all I have some memories of happy times such as motor racing with N and many a post-working-week-debriefing drinks down the local.

My twenties- A heart felt goodbye to my twenties; bittersweet as I lay to rest many fun and happy memories of my youth interspersed with the anxiety, insecurity, angst and heartache that goes along with it.

Things I have gained:

New friends. 
New flat. 
My independence back. 
Strength and Tone from my gym workouts.
Perspective.
A whole new decade ahead of me as I entered my thirties.
New gig experiences- Deftones, Bastille and the amazing Nine Inch Nails... memories of the latter I will treasure forever. Two more ticks off on my "Bands to See Before I Die" list. 

A review of my 2013 Resolutions:

Resolution 1: Be more active.
Achieved. I'm still going to the gym about twice a week and generally feeling better for it; although I certainly notice the difference when I don't go.

Resolution 2: Be less angry.
Semi- Achieved. I'm not sure this has happened... if it has it's more by the ever-so-slightly decreased invasion of the Government impacting on my job and colleagues. I think this year has been more stressful than angry so I'm saying this is semi-achieved.

Resolution 3: Laugh more.
Achieved. I have certainly laughed a lot this year.  I have a graffiti'd piggy bank on my desk at work which says "Just Keep Larfin" thanks to my colleague Daz who decorated it for me and says I say the word Laugh posh.  He's from the Black Country.

Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Semi- Achieved.  I've been to the cinema, seen films at home and been to gigs this year which have all been inspiring to me. However I need to get out more next year and see more places.  I've spend too much time in the office this year... I need inspiration from nature and new cities next year (money permitting).

Resolution 5: Be more creative.
Semi-Achieved. I failed to get my new tattoo thanks to money issues, however I have one planned for my birthday in 2014.  I've done more sculpture commissions this year and have two lined up for the beginning of next year.  To be continued. 

Resolution 6: Blog more.
Achieved. This has definitely been achieved.

Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Not achieved. Work in progress.  I think I know what I need to be happy- companionship.  At the moment I'm at a loss as to where to find this.


2014 Resolutions to be posted soon. 

Belong.

I've just caught up on a few weeks of blog-reading and thought it was probably time to update my own.

The truth being told- much has changed but I've avoided posting anything for some time for a few reasons: 1- I have been incredibly busy.  2- I had no internet access for a few weeks. 3- some issues I've had I felt best not to air in the public realm (aka- if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all).

I've moved into a flat with my friend and colleague H.  It's not quite home yet, pictures still need to be hung.  If I'm honest it all feels very temporary. But I think everything does now.  Everything.

It's Christmas and I've been very disorganised this year.  Moving in at the start of November proved very expensive so I think Christmas has been somewhat tainted by a general worry about money this year.  The last few weeks have been busy. Both at work and socially.... genuinely too much to list but it's been a blur of funerals, tears, too much drink, too much work, stress and laughs.  I'm writing this hours before my fourth and final Christmas work do this year. I'm not sure my feet or my liver can cope with many more!

I'm still going to the gym albeit the last few weeks have been hard to find time to fit anything worth while in.  Slacking.

I generally feel very tired.. I'm always tired these days.  I don't work long hours like others but I give 110% to a job where I get paid averagely for the effort I put in.  My priority next year is to get a new job and possibly outside of the Force so I don't have to be quite so worried about being made redundant every few months. In addition to work stress, I don't sleep well.  I have two Zopiclone on ration for when I really REALLY need to sleep but generally I think I've gotten used to feeling semi tired on a daily basis.

I'm struggling with Christmas this year.  It seems to have lost its meaning, like many things have to be honest. Recent events have put certain things in perspective and I am lucky to have my health, my family and a sprinkling of friends who genuinely care, however all this is clouded by a general feeling of not belonging anywhere.

This is the trouble with Christmas.  It's great if you're happy;  If you aren't it's like a giant microscope magnifying everything you're missing in full focus...

So you just smile and grab another drink.

Liberation.

I feel like this today..

Being a good, caring person gets you nowhere.  It's all about what you look like and what you own.

The Brink.

I am teetering on the edge.

I look down- it's a big black hole, so deep I can't see where it ends.

I look back- there is noise, confusion, blue skies and storm clouds, faces, voices, shouts and laughter, excitement and fear. So much commotion that sometimes I'd just rather jump in and disappear into the blackness.

The only trouble is not knowing how long the freefall lasts, or where I land.

And the being alone.

Only When The Sun Shines.

Things I could do with right now:
- More time
- More days off work
- A holiday
- A hug
- A big winning lottery ticket
- Friends who are there for you ALL the time. Not just when it suits them.
- A sofa, mattress, TV... in fact, a flat full of furniture would be good!
- A self cleaning car.

Things I could do without right now:
- Work stress
- Confusing idiots
- Aching post-gym muscles
- People asking me for large quantities of money
- Fair weather friends who don't give a shit.

I've had FOUR days off work and although I've had a stack load to do, I've not really achieved what I wanted to.  I was hoping to complete a commission but I've struggled with it and am still only three fifths the way through! I really don't think I've made good use of my time, however I did catch up on some sleep.

I've seen a couple of films in the last few months too: Rush and Prisoners.  Both have been well worth the trip to the cinema and the latter posed some really interesting questions about morality, religion and the rights or wrongs of torture/punishment.  Well worth a watch.

I'm doing okay at the gym, though I'm putting in less time there than I want to or should due to other things going on.  I'm still enjoying it but am still missing my squat challenge.  I've been putting in a measly 60 a day but I need something more. 

The last two weeks have left me a bit numb; I think it's partly shock at the amount of stuff going on between now and Christmas, oh and the fact it IS Christmas in a few months!!! In addition to work stress, other people stress, I now have the lovely stress of money too, and I'm beginning to wonder what will be the straw that breaks the camels back.  Just got to hold it together.  One good thing, is that I have a good friend back in my life- B.  I've stayed in touch with her since school and in many ways we're very similar which makes it easy to support one another.  She's the sort of friend that will stick by me through thick and thin, and it makes me happy that amongst the uncertainty and stress I can count on her support. 

Squat Withdrawal

Well... last Sunday was the last day of my 30 day squat challenge.  I completed every day of it, which totalled 3295 squats!

I miss it already.  So I'm either going to repeat the same one or find one which takes me a little bit higher.  I saw one a while ago that went to 500 but that might be pushing it....

Still.  I need a new challenge.  It'll keep my mind off other things.

Beat the Blues!

The arse-end of last week was a hellish mess of work-stress, flat application stress and upset thanks to a few irritating, confusing individuals and one who couldn't get lower in my estimation if they tried. However, the weekend came and took all the stress away.

Friday night kicked it off with a meal at a nearby lounge where H and I had tapas and a good ol chinwag about the week.  Saturday I spent doing some relaxing sculpting, then a movie in the evening.  Sunday N and I picked up two of his colleagues for our trip to Silverstone for the BTCC.  It was a beautiful day despite the chilly breeze which you noticed from the stands.  I have to say, it was some of the best racing I've seen this year; all three of the Touring Car races proving to be tense, action packed and brilliant to watch.  You can tell it's nearing the end of the season, with just one race to go, as all the drivers are putting 200% into their races.  I'm not sure yet if we're able to get down to Brands Hatch for the final, it's unlikely at this late stage, but if that's the last racing I'll see this year, it was one hell of a day to watch. :-)  We stopped off at Mum's on the way home after dropping off N's friends, for a slap up roast dinner and a cup of tea.  Perfect British end to a very British day.

The weekend couldn't have got any better- especially since today is my day off!!!! Yeppo, because I've been single-handedly holding down the fort for the last four weeks while my colleague has been off sick then off on holiday, I made sure I booked her first day back off. Ha! Yes, today I will be sculpting, listening to awesome music and I also have to fit in the gym and 250 squats as it's the last day of my 30 Day Squat Challenge today!!!! :-O

I better get cracking.

Skins.

I saw a facebook post recently which was for some charity event- Children In Need if I remember rightly, where some high profile women had gone "Bare Faced" for some publicity shots.  The fact that most of these women were models anyway - with naturally good skin, bone structure etc aside, I got the point which (although not executed brilliantly) was still a fair enough effort at raising the issue of women's self esteem.

 

It got me thinking. 

 

Over the years, some of which may be detailed in this blog from earlier times, I have battled with low self esteem.  Mostly from my physical appearance as I am highly confident in my beliefs, opinions and actions for the most part- some would say perhaps too confident! 

Being so petite (skinny, as fatter people prefer to call it) and pale, I don't fit in the to the feminine hourglass, curvy figure.  I spent a huge portion of my formative years feeling completely inadequate physically, mostly due to the eagerness of other people to point out that I was "too thin".  I've been called ugly, skinny, been in the company of fat people who just love to call you scrawny and put you down, and we all know those awful people who love taking bad photographs of others because it makes them feel better about themselves.  You don't have experience of self harm without having some sort of disrespect for yourself and obviously I have the scars to prove it. Bad cycle. 

Whilst I'm able now to put a lot of these things down to other people being shits, it's all still left it's mark and I continue to have issues with aspects of my figure and my body.  It's not just my skinny, bony, pale body and lack of boobs either; I've spent many years staring at my face in the mirror and hating my nose and ears and the general shape of my tiny head.  It's why I hate photographs of myself. 

 

This brings me to the main point of my post.  Whilst I probably feel the most comfortable I have about my body (which is still probably poor compared to the average woman) I, like most of my female peers, wouldn't even dream of leaving the house without make up.  Never.  It just won't happen.  In fact I can even remember my worst fear coming true one day when I got up to find that I had run out of eye-liner.  The prospect of going into public WITHOUT eye-liner on in order to buy some, was too horrific, and I had to send N out to get a new one before I could leave the house. 

 

It's awful really.  Its my face, where so much of my personality comes out and is presented.  I am very confident in my beliefs, my opinions, my morals, and my passions and they all come out through my face, my mouth, my eyes, my expressions.  However to sit in front of a mirror and look at my face with make up on is a highly uncomfortable experience for me.  Looking at it WITHOUT make up- even more so. 

 

The women who have posed without make up for those publicity shots however, have inspired me through the comfort of my blog, my small, tiny window to the world, to do the same. 

 

So, feeling brave, here I am.  With no make up.  No eyeliner, no blusher.  Nothing.  I think I was fortunate that the soft lighting has bleached out the dark eye circles and patchy skin... but still, this is me- as naked as my face can get.

 



  

 

Scary stuff. 

Fresh Meat.

The Sexism of Freshers Week

A brilliant article by the Guardian about "Lad" culture impacting on young women during the crazy time that is Freshers week.  I have to say I can't remember being exposed to a great deal of this at my university, however that was around ten years ago and the whole pathetic "Lad" retaliation movement hadn't occurred.  Also, I tended to avoid those horrendous meat market uni nights to favour other club nights out and social occasions because I've never really felt the need to follow a crowd and conform, especially if it's with total twats.

The article highlights some disturbing and obscene trends which I hope women begin to fight back.  One occasion I do remember at uni, at one of the horrendous Friday Night Disco (FND) meat markets I rarely went to- was being physically picked up and carried out of the union by a really tall man who looked like Greg Rusedski.  I laugh at it now, but to be honest, the whole thing really bothered me.  This man was a stranger, and although we'd danced on the dance floor, this man was able to physically pick me up and walk out the Union with me, as if he'd picked me off the shelf at a supermarket. Because I'm so small, petite and skinny, it really bothered me that he was able to physically over power me.  Nothing bad happened, he put me down outside the union with no malicious intentions and I promptly walked back inside, but it could so easily have been a different story.  It's one of the reasons that I feel so much better about feeling physically stronger through my gym training, because whilst I'm still tiny and easily overpowered at least I know I have some strength to punch, kick and fight back; anyone who knows my tenaciousness will know I'd put up one hell of a good fight if I had to. 

Anyway, read the article.  It's a good'un.

Fed the **** Up.

You can tell the weather has turned.  I never do well in September.  It's always been a difficult month for me for many reasons, and this year is no exception.

This week I just feel Fed Up.  Thoroughly.  Fed up of people, of work, of getting screwed over, of selfish people, of people so fucking caught up in their own shit that all I want to do is tell them to shut the fuck up.  Fed up of work, fed up of my colleague being off work, fed up of being on my own, fed up of not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

I still find time to laugh every day- don't get me wrong, but I'm tired and all I want to do right now is get away.  Far away.  Somewhere safe, quiet and where I know I'm going to be okay, to just sleep a while and block it all out. Preferably in the arms of someone who genuinely gives a shit about me. 

Ugh.  That's it.

Normal slinky service will resume in 24 hours. Or maybe the weekend.

SaSQUATch

I had to dedicate a mini blog post to my 30 Day Squat Challenge because yesterday was my half way point!

Today, my 16th day, is a rest day from Squats although I do have to complete a 120 second plank.
It's definitely getting tougher.  I'm having to break the squats down into three sets of 50 now.  Day 17 is 150 squats with a 140 second plank. I have a feeling in about two days I might actually start failing on the planks because they're really getting harder. No failures just yet though! I'm determined to complete the full squats on each day. 

Squat count so far- 1110

Out of a total of - 3295.

#BunsOfSteel

Wedding Weekend.

Three days off have absolutely FLOWN by.  So fast in fact, that I can barely even remember what I did on Friday- probably because I spent most of the morning catching up on sleep!

On Saturday N and I set off to our old stomping ground Loughborough where we met up with The P's, Arf and Sam before setting off to Nottingham for the wedding of another fellow uni-chum.  It's nice to be involved in such a happy occasion especially when it involves a mini reunion with the old Uni crew. 

A good time was had by all despite the DJ leaving a lot to be desired, even in the cheesey-wedding-music stakes.  However, thanks to some expertly chosen requests and some dubious dancing in my lovely blue Karen Millen dress the night was a good one.

Unfortunately due to our age all we could manage to achieve the following day was snoozing on sofa's watching motor racing and drinking cups of tea although we managed to venture out to the Harvester for some grub a bit later on.  The weather was shocking too so we probably chose the best activities for such a wet, cold and miserable day.

The journey back was just as stagnant, getting stuck in a traffic jam due to what was probably one of the most horrific looking car accidents I've seen on a motorway.  A journey which usually takes 40 minutes, took two hours as we were sat on the M42 playing eye spy for about 45 minutes. 

And that was that! The end of a super fast three day weekend! What's next... ?

Hesitation Marks.

Soooo... I've been listening to Hesitation Marks in my car on my daily commute for the last two weeks and I am far from bored of it.

Highlights are the amazing Copy of A, Come Back Haunted has grown on me within the context of the album, Find My Way (which is incredibly relaxing), the awesome Satellite (punchy), Various Methods of Escape, I Would For You (meaty) and While I'm Still Here.  All of them, stunning in their own right. 

I haven't tired of any of it yet and suspect the remaining songs not listed above to be "growers".

The overall feel of the album reminds me of their recent gig and therefore, for me, the album comes ready-loaded with feelings of awe, memories and imagery from my mind leaving me feeling really upbeat.  I've yet to experience it through my amazing Shure earphones as I've not yet transferred it across to my Cowon yet, but once I do it'll be another one for a shutting-out-everything, lying-in-the-dark kind-of jobs.

:-)

No Dollar.

I have spent A LOT of money this weekend.  I've been out drinking on both Friday and Saturday, with a shopping trip sandwiched in the middle. 

I have however, now got a BEAUTIFUL dress for a friends wedding next weekend.  It cost me a lot but the dress is stunning- just hope I can do it justice! I have an Ashton-Friday (flexi day off work) this Friday so I will probably spend some of that teaming up my new dress with a suitable bag and shoes from my stash at home.  I also had to get some pressies for Mum for her birthday next week.

I haven't been to the gym in a week due to mother nature and straining my shoulder on some free-weights at home earlier in the week so I NEED to go to the gym tonight and smash it.  I think two nights out on the trot drinking has taken its toll on my weary body.  I feel pretty tired today so hopefully I'll knacker myself at the gym and sleep well tonight. 

I think I've just lost a commission so I can crack on with the next one I have lined up.  It should be quite a challenge as the pose is an interesting one.  It's of a Police dog handler and his dog, for a friend at work.  Looking forward to the challenge!

Rations until payday this month!

Squats & Tarot: A normal Slinky afternoon.

Not content with being told my ass is, and I quote,

" ... not just a bum.  It's a f***ing creation of God that was meant for an angel..."

Misguided Over Enthusiastic Friend, 03/09/13

... I am undertaking a 30 day Squat Challenge throughout September.  I've got a little chart of Squats and Planks to complete each day with the quota for each increasing from 30 squats with a 20s plank on day 1, to 250 squats and 330s plank on day 30.  Pretty worried about day 30... but so far so good!

In other news, I had a Tarot reading in my break at work today.  I tend to lean to the side of "this is bullshit" with stuff like psychics etc, and I remain very sceptical, yet open minded to these sorts of things.  I've only had tarot cards read twice.  HOWEVER, on both occasions they have been VERY apt and relevant.  When I say this, I don't mean in a vague horoscope kind of a way, I mean in a quite specific way. I have to admit, it freaked me out a little.  The first time, I had been writing a business plan for my self employment and I got the same card three times despite shuffling and me trying to "lose" it lol... the card being that of business preparation and planning!

This time, my three cards were rather beautiful...

... and I was interested to find that each one was very specific to a few things going on for me at the moment. I won't go into them all here, but the one I will draw on was the last one which was about being successful in self employment (I currently have four commissions lined up! Most I've ever had) and a financial windfall. WOOOOOT.

I was especially impressed by my "Present" card which was a warrior lady with bear claws for hands, holding a sword.  She looks like she kicks ass.  Plus she's surrounded by all these weird beasts and creatures which could be both threatening or allies.  I love it. Very apt on many levels.

I don't like Mondays.

DAY. FROM. HELL.

Firstly I have a burnt face- this will be explained later.

There is NO let up at work at the moment.  It's so busy and I'm holding down the fort by myself. The stress is tempered slightly by the good laughs and chats of the office, I work with some great characters, but also it can be a hindrance when I need to concentrate.

I've had one of those nightmare days where I couldn't finish anything, the phones wouldn't stop, every enquiry was a total ball-ache, nothing was straight forward and time flew so fast I left feeling like I hadn't got anything done!

My loon of a chum cheered me up by making me laugh all the way home by following me in his car and beeping me most of the way, then threatening to lock me up for speeding. Oops.

I could MURDER a Jack and Coke right now. I was meant to be going to the Gym tonight but certain aspects of mother nature have prevented me from doing so (another highlight of my day!).  I will however be completing day two of my 30 day squat challenge.  I started yesterday with 50 squats and a 20 second plank.  Today I think it goes up to 70 with a 30 second plank.  I'll do that at home with some weights I think so I don't miss out too much.  I actually WANTED to go to the gym tonight, I feel like I need it after my stodgy weekend.

I had a fab weekend;  A nice chilled Saturday doing some unsuccessful online shopping for a dress for a wedding in two weeks followed by a trip to see The Lion King at the Hippodrome.  Sunday was spent at Donington Park Race Circuit watching the Superstars World Series which is mainly Italian drivers racing Ferrari's, Audi's and Chevvies.  It was nice to mill around and look at some sexy racing cars, but I managed to completely burn my face.  I currently look like a tomato. 

Because my colleague is off, I don't think I'm likely to get many days off work but I could really do with Friday off to relax.  However, any time I take off will only make my workload worse the following Monday. :-(

My day got instantly brighter, when I got home tonight to find my BRAND SPANKING NEW NINE INCH NAILS ALBUM- Hesitation Marks had arrived!!!!  .... a full blog post will be dedicated to this in due course.  Needless to say I have found my commuting music for this week and possibly the next month!!! :-) :-) :-)

Blow Out.

Bank holiday Monday has been and gone; the last one of the year until Christmas!

Despite being worried about getting approval from my client for the commission I managed to complete- I had a lovely bank holiday, whiling away a few hours with Markuuuus by the canal in Hopwas. 

I can barely believe my six days off work have been and gone! Here they are in bullet form:

Wed- Flight over to Belfast, EasyJet, annoying child on plane and a very angry, huffing-puffing butch lady.

Wed night- Nine Inch Nails gig in Charter House Square. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

Thur- Titanic museum and flight back home.

Fri- Work on commission- it does NOT go well and I swear a lot.

Fri night- traditional Friday night drinks with H; scarily quiet for a bank holiday weekend. Cocktails are consumed. I pretend not to have noticed the incompetence of the barman as he spills half a daiquiri onto the bar in front of me. He looks mortified. I watch the TV above him to save him further embarrassment.

Sat- Work on commission. It goes better. Less swearing.  Good gym session despite nearly fainting at one point due to the heat.

Sun- Commission is completed. Email sent for approval. Nervous wait so car is washed, tea is eaten and a big session at the gym is undertaken.  I am buzzing... so much so that I return home and eat a bag of doritos and a slice of cheese cake.

Mon- Still hungry from the gym and fuelled by nerves from the lack of contact from my client, I meet Markuus for bank holiday drinks in Hopwas.  Beautiful day for it.  Sun, wasps, half a roast chicken with chips and an eton mess for dessert interspersed with drinks and a hot choc.  Bliss. Approval comes in the form of a lovely email from client. So once home, commission is baked, finished and boxed up for delivery.

Tue- Back to work to find no handover after 6 days, a chocka email account thanks to the bank holiday, a four hour meeting to prepare for and complete minutes for, hardly any staff, my colleague off work so I have to take on her work load also.  Stress.  Stress. Stress. 

That's it.  In a nutshell. It's just flown by! I fully expect that by the end of the week my head's going to explode. And its only my first day back.  :-(

Hurt 2.

I managed to pull a tendon in my arm at the gym last night.  Perhaps doing two nights at the gym in a row was a bad idea. 

However, I am managing to shoulder press about 5-6 8kg weights before my arms die and I have to revert back to 6kgs.  It's a marked improvement from when I started on 4kgs though and my arms are much more toned for it.  I feel stronger, legs are firmer, and generally I'm pleased with my progress so far.  I need to work on breathing for cardio- although since I'm not trying to lose weight I limit cardio to warming up and cooling down exercises only.  I'm also embarking on a 30 day squat challenge from next weekend to further tone up.  :-)

In other news I have a new favourite song- Copy of A.  Obsessed with it at the moment, mainly because it reminds me of the gig, but it's just IMMENSE.  It fuels me.  Love love love it.

Hurt.

 

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.

Came Back Haunted

And now the come down.

On wednesday morning I was sitting in Birmingham Airport awaiting my flight to Belfast to see Nine Inch Nails. It's hard to believe that it was a whole three days ago!

 

After checking into the hotel which was a stones throw from Chapter House Square where the gig took place, N and I went and got food in a nice little gastro-pub round the corner. We started queuing shortly after to ensure we got a good spot.  And I have to say I got THE BEST spot I have EVER EVER had at a gig.  Running down one side of the big courtyard where the crowd gathered, was a "VIP" area which was raised up about three feet. People had paid an extra tenner for the privilige but I would suggest it was debatable wether it was worth it.  Running along this was the normal security barriers which come with handy steps for security to step onto to lift people over.  This would become my position for the night.  I sat on the ledge for the first two bands, both of whom where better than anticipated- local bands Little Matador and And So I Watch You From Afar. I was particularly impressed by the latter who sounded like a more lively Maybeshewill, with tinges of Steve Vai.  I've yet to check out their albums, as I expect they may sound better live than on Cd. We managed to make an aquaintence of a strange character from Canada called Darren who flitted between seeming like a harmless, lonely drunk to being slightly dark and a bit mysterious.  However, when the music started, his attentions were quite rightly focussed on his idols.

 

It rained a bit, but fortunately I had my trusty cardigan with the goblin hood to keep the rain off, and so I took my position in anticipation of Nine Inch Nails coming on stage.  I could see the whole stage and was close enough to see the bands faces- including the face of the GENIUS Mr Reznor, the whole crowd in front, aside and to the back of me... it was immense.  And then it just all happened.  I was just elated and enthralled through out the whole set, taking photo's and videos without getting knocked about.  I just soaked every second of it up. 

Highlights for me were Copy of A which was their opening track- the energy from the stage and crowd was just epic; Closer and Hurt.  Hurt was just incredible- hearing the crowd singing along in the darkness... I felt quite emotional and just about managed to stop myself welling up like a total saddo.

The night was finished off with a NIN themed Guiness and a JD and Coke in the hotel before retiring to rest our weary heads and prepare for the post-gig come down.  Whilst I am THRILLED to have seen them, I am running out of "Bands to see before I die".  I only have one (kindof) left- A Perfect Circle/Puscifer and I have a feeling I will have to travel a little bit further afield to see one of those two as they rarely tour, let alone outside of America.

The day after the gig, we had a couple of hours to kill before our flight home so we took a look round the new Titanic museum.  Wierd building, but fairly decent inside, however in my opinion they should have made more of the tradgedy and focussed on the mass death a bit more, not in a morbid way you understand, but more to get an idea of the scale of the disaster.  Understandably, they focussed it on the building and construction, as the museum stands on the docks where the Titanic was built. I dunno- maybe I just prefer a bit more punch and drama in my museum excursions. Hehe.

Busy-ness.

Has it really been two weeks since I blogged? cripes.

It's been busy! Work is manic, with stress levels hitting new heights.  The good thing about the people I work with is that as stress levels rise, so does the sense of humour and mischievousness so we've had two weeks of intensely hard work flanked by points of hilarity, practical jokes and lots of laughs.  Too many laughs at points, with me getting told off for laughing too loud while a colleague was on the phone. 

I've been working hard at the gym and also went for a run with my chum H this week.  I was crap at it, having to run for short bursts and then walk in between.  Today, I've finally managed to do a set of six 8kg shoulder pressed weights which is a big achievement for me and a sure sign that my little spaghetti arms are getting much stronger.  I feel more toned and solid.

I've spent this weekend doing some sculpting, and I have to say despite the slow pace, I'm pretty pleased with the likeness I've achieved in the face of this commission.  It's been a really productive weekend- buzzing... and the best is yet to come.  I have a two day work week this week because....

... It's finally arrived.

This Wednesday, I will be watching Nine Inch Nails in an open air gig in Ireland.

Holy Fuck.

This is going to be... Epic.

Another Busy Weekend...

It's been a very busy couple of weeks at work.  Things are building up again and my days can be long and draining.  Booking leave is getting tricky lately too, I've had some refused recently and had to get my Inspector to intervene and let me use up all the hours that I work over my contracted time.  When I do get a day off, I make plans to meet people I haven't seen in a while or cheer up lunches for people having a much worse time than myself so even my days away from work fly be without me noticing. I'm even struggling to fit the gym in recently. 

I get tired.  I could do with a lazy weekend watching films and slobbing out in PJ's for a while.  But alas, my next few weekends are all booked up and I somehow have to fit in a new cake topper commission into all this.  Fortunately I think the bank holiday weekend is going to have to be allocated to some serious sculpting time.

This weekend, I've been on a mini road trip up to the mysterious and strange lands of The North.  My friend L from Uni was celebrating her 30th birthday so N, Markuus and another uni chum Adam travelled up to sunny Hull to celebrate with her.  Aside from my taxi rage ( having to wait nearly two hours for a taxi is NOT, I repeat NOT, good for Slinks stress levels) it was good to have a good catch up with friends over a LOT of cocktails. 

My traditional weekly Friday work-de-brief drinks with H will be instigated again this week after a two week hiatus.  However, we're having to divert from our local due to an unwelcome invasion so we're heading a bit further north for our night out.  Gutted, as it's my local pub and it's become a regular feature of my post-working-week drinks over the last few years, but hey ho, I'm not going to let a particular nasty individual affect my night.  I shall party on elsewhere.  :-)

Time is steadily ticking by and it will be TWO weeks on Wednesday until I'll be flying over to Ireland to see Nine Inch Nails.  Oh my god.  My heart skips a beat every time I think about it.  I simply cannot wait and am counting down the days.  It's going to be so immense. 

Daft Punk Trip

I should be doing my taxes... but ... well it's taxes and they are boring as hell.

One of the best soundtracks I have heard in years and years and years is going to come as a surprise to some people.  It's the soundtrack to the film TRON (the 2010 version).  Now before you all start laughing, yes, this was an incredibly shit film but most of that was largley due to the fact this was originally a futuristic film from 1982 complete with dodgy neon effects.  The newer version didn't stray too far from this, and just "modernised" some of the effects, with little success. Unfortunately it still felt like a film from the 80s.  However, having seen both versions- the soundtrack to the latter was in essence one of the most perfect soundtracks I have ever heard.  I simply can't imagine anyone better than Daft Punk doing it, their soundscapes fitting the whole ethos and atmosphere almost better than the rest of the film did.  It's incredible.  So incredible, that I bought it.  I very rarely buy soundtracks- but I knew this one would be one I could listen to in the dark and completely lose myself in.  Eager to hear how it sounded on my awesome Cowon-Shure set up, I listened to it in bed one night a few weeks ago and had the most freakin' awesome dream to match the soundtrack.

I just lay there in the dark, eyes closed and let my head paint pictures to the music and here's what it came up with:

A girl is being chased over rooftops but we never really see who is chasing her.  It's night and the main colours are a muted navy blue with moonlight highlighting patches and shapes against the darker shadows. 

Eventually she breaks into an old, derelict building and in a large room with broken windows is a man sitting, tied to a chair in a big metal cage.  He has bandages over his eyes with large, dark spots which look like dried blood.

She reaches through the cage to touch him but can't quite reach, but seems to signal to him that she will be back.  He slides something to her across the floor- it's a small microchip-type key. She begins to run again.  Faster this time.

Bright white lights now follow her, and her chase becomes frantic, but eventually she gets away, climbing over fencing which seems to mark a boundary to the inner city area.  She keeps running, not stopping, over fields to a small cottage-type building hidden away in a small valley.  It's daytime, but colours are still muted and slightly blue-grey. Washed out.

This small building is almost empty and dark, except for one room with a computerised lock.  She uses the key to open this room, and as the door opens, the room floods the house with colour.  Colours are now bright, vivid.  The girl walks in to the room and stands in the middle of the floor, looking around at the walls.  They are covered with brightly coloured paintings and portraits.  Some are hanging on the walls, others stood on the floor propped up against the wall once the artist ran out of hanging space. 

It becomes clear, that the man in the cage is an artist.  His eyes have been removed by his captors, reducing the surroundings to a colourless, dark environment.  The girl holds the key, looks at it, and vows to return him to his paintings.

And then the music stopped.

Be Afraid.

These guys will soon be running your Probation services, making communities even less safe...

Prisons Rated :  "Serious Concern" over two private prisons.

Well done Mr Grayling, you Tory shitbag, great move.

Common Spider Myths.

Or... Things people tell me about Spiders which aren't true.

1. Spiders eat flies.

I've never ever seen a spider eat anything.  I've seen flies caught in their traps, and I've seen them wrap their corpses into little packages of death- but I've never seen one eat.  I pose the question- Why, if they eat flies, do they live in houses where there are LESS flies? Why do house spiders hunt on floors and ceilings instead of making traps against open windows or better yet, why not live OUTSIDE where the flies live? I put to you that they have no interest in eating flies, and are hunting an altogether BIGGER prey.  What are they surviving on? Do they feed on skin cells? Who knows.


2.  Spiders are more scared of you than you are of them.

This is false TWO FOLD. 

Firstly, I have a phobia.  This scientifically means my fear is irrational- however I prefer to say that my physical reaction is irrational, but my fear is actually based on the FACT that these are evil creatures. I doubt you would find a spider with an equal amount of fear than I have of them.

I have yet to find a spider PHOBIC of humans.  As an arachnophobe I seek to be AWAY from Spiders. Spiders seek ME. Spiders do not avoid human company, they use our homes, our beds, and our freaking handbags for their evil deeds.
Spiders have tried to reach me throughout my life.  Much like dogs- they either smell fear, OR they're pissed because I've intelligently worked them out and they wish to harm me by making me a target. I involuntarily come in to contact with spiders far more than most of my peers.


3. Spiders can't fly.

I've seen this happen.  A spider flying through the air, with no web line attached to it.  I watched it... and I KNOW what I saw. Also, Daddy Long Legs look ALOT like Spiders with wings and I reckon they're an adaptation.


 4. Spiders aren't intelligent.

Wrong again. 

They hunt.  They build highly complicated traps and fishing lines of webs.  I've even seen one stop in front of a closed door. Stop. Lower itself, and crawl under the door, only to stop the other side.  What was it doing in those few paused moments? THINKING. It was thinking, and it knew to lower its legs and crawl under.  Intelligence. They think, they know, they have eight eyes for fucks sake.  I honestly believe they know who is aware of their intelligence and who isn't, as I'm pretty sure I've been targeted by them for years now.
Similarly, some have learnt how to travel the globe via banana crates, and laying eggs into imported fruit and vegetables.


5. Spiders are harmless.

They can bite, sting, eject irritant hairs into the eyes of "predators", some can kill.  A creature which is harmless, wouldn't provoke centuries of myth and folklore surrounding its evilness.  Spiders are associated with the occult, with evil (see LOTR Trilogy), fear and repulsion (see Greek myth- Arachne). I'm pretty sure they're capable of mass structures to ensnare humans- you've only got to take a look in my Dads shed for evidence of this. 


I'm happy to dispel further myths if readers think of any. Take note.

Invader.

So there I was... casually walking into my room, seeing my bright red, every-day handbag on the bedroom floor, reaching in side to get out my purse.  I opened up my purse and held it in front of me to look for my card, still bending down to place it back in my bag afterwards, when something caught my eye... something out of the ordinary was sitting in my bag.  And then my brain kicked in... my eyes focused in on a spider, sitting in my bag. 

Obviously, I threw my freakin purse and fell backwards.

A few moments of shock passed, and I returned to look in my bag for confirmation... the bastard had moved. 

Fuck.

I picked up the handles, and threw it out my bedroom, where it landed on it's side, but with most of the contents still in the bag.  I was hoping to see the little, evil cretin run out but it didn't.  Panic now ensued, because not only had I no idea where this nasty little creature was in my bag, but I'd thrown it in the path of the only exit to my bedroom.  So I was trapped, with a spider holding my handbag hostage.

The horror of the situation dawned on me when I realised my hand had been in that bag.  MY HAND.  The very thought of my skin coming into contact with a spider completely unexpectedly, quite honestly, horrifies me. 

I had no other choice but to call my Dad, who rather stupidly advised me to "Just tip it out".  Er, What now? And have it freakin' crawl towards my bare feet?? This wasn't an option.  He had to come and get it out.  Which he did, by tipping out my bag, and watching the little bastard escape into a dodgy floorboard in the bathroom.  Can I get over the fact that it was IN my handbag? No. Can I stop thinking about the prospect of it laying EGGS in my bag. No. No I can't.  Do I think about it everytime I reach into my bag? Yes. Yes I freakin do. Oh god.

The same spider, and yes I KNOW it was the same one (same size, same shape, same horrifically AWFUL legs)... this SAME spider proceeded to try and get back into my room the following day; I found it on the ceiling making it's way towards my door.  It's final attempt however, appears to have become its last.  I walked into the bathroom this evening to find it sitting in the middle of the floor.  I immediately stopped and adopted my usual Spider-terror stance, and then noticed it looked a bit weird. A slightly closer inspection revealed it's body appeared squashed... and I highly suspect my cat might have given the evil beast a friendly, playful pat on the head and accidently killed it. Good cat.

The reign of terror was over.  Though winning the battle is not winning the war.  Downstairs, I entered the living room to find one of those horrendous Orb spiders in the middle of the carpet- you know the ones with the tiny bodies and ridiculously, long, very fine legs which bend over.  I flattened it with the Radio Times.  Those ones seem weaker than the others; finer, slower. 

It's corpse is still on the floor.  I'm leaving it there as a message to the others that death WILL ensue if they persist with their assault on my house. 

Spiders: Do one. 

Round Up!

Another busy weekend has flown by!

Last Friday was my boss' leaving do (due to having to take forced retirement thanks to the Government bringing in A19).  We started at a nearby pub straight after work, followed by a trip to the dogs.  I was mislead into purchasing my whole evening's worth of bets in one go and I put £2.00 per race on a Reverse Forecast.  This cost me £20, but since I'd chosen my two lucky numbers I thought I couldn't go wrong.  Shortly after the first race however, I discovered that Forecast meant the two I had chosen HAD to finish First AND Second.  I thought I only had to get one to win, so I pretty much thought my chances were screwed.

I was wrong.  I had TWO races where my lucky numbers finished first and second, winning £13 the first time and £14 the second; leaving with a profit of £7! Wooohoo!  My lucky numbers never let me down. :-)
Following this, and with many a drunk Officer in tow, we headed to another pub.  I was driving so I finally got home at 1.30am having dropped off two people including my boss. 

Saturday evening I hit the town with H, going to our local first of all and then heading into the city for cocktails at Marco Pierre Whites where we caught a cool breeze out on the terrace of The Cube.  It was a lovely view, watching the sunset over concrete-y Brum.  Unfortunately, as with many of these places, the only downside to the nice environment was the snotty, pathetic, bitchy crowd.  We later met up with N, his brother, his girlfriend and an old mate a bit later in the evening.  It was far too hot to stay in the Yardbird so we ended up outside.

Sunday I spent some time with the family, in particular my Grandparents who I haven't seen for a few months.  My Grandad's stories make me laugh, and I love how him and my Grandma still hold hands and have play fights.  I ended Sunday at the Gym where I'm trying to rebuild all the strength I lost when I had to take three weeks off from the Gym due to my Labyrinthitis/ Vertigo. To my amazement I was able to lift one of the higher freeweights which made my evening, however, I still have a long way to go to re-tone and re-build.  I'm cutting down so much on cardio, sticking to a bit of rowing or cycle just as a warm up exercise. 

I've just been given the go ahead for a new wedding cake topper commission so I need to get round to some preliminary sketches this weekend. 
I've lost my prescription sunglasses so I also need to take on the onerous, horrendous task of getting my eyes tested and new glasses.
I also had a really good write up from my supervisor as to my performance over the last year and have been given a bit more training in order to take the reigns on the departments website, so I'm chuffed with that too.
I'm also sleeping much better thanks to some handy ear plugs. This is massively helping my appetite and general mood

Things feel good. Busy... but good.

The Big News.

I have been dropping clues in my titles the last few blog posts as to what my big news is...

This is going to massively underwhelm (is that possible- to MASSIVELY underwhelm?) a lot of people... however, those who know me well will appreciate why this news is big. To me.

Something life changing occured.  And all I have to show for it both before and after will be a bit of paper. 

There are a few bands that I love... those that leap out as all time favourites are the likes of Radiohead (seen them twice), The Deftones (seen once), System of a Down (seen once).  There's a few others I HAVE to see before I die- A Perfect Circle or Puscifer to complete my TOOLkit (gettit??? lol) and of course... the amazing ... Nine Inch Nails.

I missed them many years ago, I think it was my first year of Uni when they last toured and I missed them perform in Birmingham.  I idiotically only realised they were playing on the day they performed and couldn't go.  This year, they're performing at Reading and Leeds, and I was toying with the idea of paying a stupid amount of money on a day ticket, a hotel and a very long car journey to see them.  This would have cost me well over £200 all in.  HOWEVER, they are ALSO playing in a tiny little town called Belfast in August... and I've ONLY BLOODY WELL GONE AND GOT TICKETS!!!!
Fuck.  I am RIDICULOUSLY excited about this.  It's meant a hotel and flights, but even with the tickets it's cost about £130.  This is a lot, however, this gig is going to be epic for me.

There's been a few gigs where I've just experienced absolute awe.  I was immersed in it standing in front of Martin Grech, and the times I saw Radiohead and System of a Down, even Tool, ... I've just been completely, utterly in awe, almost on a complete other plain as I just breathe in and absorb the gig experience.  Trent Reznor is like the Pope is to Catholics, without the paeodophilia, corruption, obscene hyppocrisy and religion.  He is more than that, a genius, everything he touches turning to liquidy, ear-nectar.  I can well imagine this gig is going to be one of those momentous gigs that I will never forget. 

The gig is on the 21st of August. I'm counting down the days via the below worm...

A Film in the Sunshine.

Last night my friend H and I went to Brum to catch an outdoor film showing of Breakfast At Tiffany's. It was a free event in the lovely Brindley Place and the organisers handed out bean bags, free popcorn and blankets to the crowd.  It was a different way to spend the evening, sitting on the steps in the shade watching a film, especially one I haven't seen in years!

I have another fairly busy weekend coming up with my Boss's leaving do on Friday and some drinks in Brum with H on Saturday, starting off at Marco Pierre Whites for some cocktails.

I've also finally been back to the gym this week after a few weeks off due to my inner ear problems which thankfully seem to have cleared up.  Good times! :-)

Burn.

I was going to pose the question: Why does sunburned skin stay hot for days as opposed to when you overcook a sausage and it gets burnt but cools down?...

The answer, I have just discovered, is basically because sausages aren't alive.

The sunburnt skin doesn't stay hot because of the burn per se, it stays hot because of the body responding to the type of injury, increasing blood flow to the area causing slight inflammation and warmth until the skin is fully healed. 

If I'd have given that question considerable thought for longer than the twenty seconds I gave it, I might have reached that conclusion myself.  My god, I can be such a dumbass.

Tonight I am having to survive without my phone.  It already feels a bit odd... not sure yet how I'm going to get up in the morning without my alarm but I'll worry about that later. 

Sunspots.

What an awesome weekend!

It kicked off with some sunny post-work drinks on Friday evening with H from work.  I survived my first round of drinking post inner-ear troubles.  Having felt drunk for three weeks I was a bit wary of getting back on the good ol' Jack n Coke, but yep, it was just what I needed.

Following that I spent Saturday on a mini road trip with N up to Chester.  It was beautifully sunny and we strolled around the quaint little shops and had a waffle cone ice cream by the river.  We took a walk all round the ancient city walls and looked around the Roman gardens and amphitheatre although I was put off by the creepy stilt walker who seemed to be tottering around.  I still hate them. Always will. 
I failed miserably at remembering my digital SLR to take any decent photographs which pissed me off no end, but to redeem myself I am proud to say I refrained from spending any money in the shops despite being very tempted by a nice new handbag.  Be proud. 

Saturday evening was spent being set up in the back garden with some Honey Jack, Peanuts, a nice warm chicken salad and the Sono's blaring out some awesome tunes while a little lantern flickered in the gentle breeze.  It was perfect. 

Today I spent the morning strolling around Cars In the Park in Lichfield wishing I was rich enough to have a car for every day of the week.  A quick lunch was had at Ego nearby, a Mediterranean bar where I had a Fusion Mezze platter and a Strawberry, Mango and Stem Ginger Eton Mess for dessert.  Then, back to the park for a last drool over some amazing cars... before heading back in time for the Wimbledon final where grumpy-ass Murray took the cup. 

I've picked the following as my faves from today although the F type Jag and a BEAUTIFUL blue TVR Sagaris also looked incredible.  I think you will agree the matt black Hudson complete with skull on the dashboard is very me.  :-)

The weekend was finished off with a family barbeque in place of the traditional Sunday dinner, complete with steaks, burger, sausage, rice, salad, new potatoes and kebab roasted vegetables. 

I have some sunburn from today.  I plastered myself in factor 30 this morning, and seem to have staved off getting burnt in the normal places like my neck.  However, I do have an interesting red, stripe down my nose, and some weird patterns on my arms which look equally strange! It must have been where I was holding my bag or something and have got burnt in between the straps.  No matter how hard you try, when you have ghostly white pale skin like me, the sun will get to you somehow!!!

Despite the sunburn, this weekend has been - simply PERFECT.  :-)

Coming up this week... I am planning on returning to the gym now I'm fully fit, shopping for Boss' leaving present on Tuesday, Boss' leaving do on Friday and then potentially a night out in Brum on Saturday! I want to squeeze in a trip to the cinema, headphone shopping, potential holiday shopping and wedding guest dress shopping also this week.

Ooh... and I must blog about the imminent awesomeness that I have managed to source for myself.

With Teeth.

I'm back.

Normal Slink service is resumed.

The last few weeks haven't been the best I suppose, but I'm back... with bite.

I've just completed my first full week back at work and I'm glad to say that my few weeks off have ensured some colleagues actually appreciate what I do there! I've been given a small project to complete also, which means I get some training and another computer system under my belt also.

Before I got poorly I was feeling worn out, worn down and not at all myself.  I know why, and I've dealt with it.  My sleeping patterns aren't right still, but are getting better which signals to me that I'm in a better place than I was.

A message to anyone considering trying to mess me about: I will always always suss you out and watch you make a total fucking idiot of yourself long before I let on that I know you're a complete, total, utter asshole before removing your pathetic existence out my life. 

The sun is shining and giving me energy, making me feel stronger and "lighter". 

Next week I'm going to get back to the gym after being under doctors orders not to go, so I'll be back to doing some free weights.  I might even buy myself a set for home to keep it up. 

I have some new summery maxi dresses and am planning on wearing one this weekend on mini road trip with the bestie this weekend.  My aim for the weekend is to take some photographs. 
I am looking into some potential breaks away, looking for a lovely dress for a wedding later in the year, ready to book up my tattoo appointment when I have time... AND I still have three tubs of Ice Cream.  I dunno, things just feel good right now.  :-)  I even FINALLY updated my blog profile picture as the one on there was from 2006, just after graduating from Uni! I thought it was high time for a new photo.

Oh... AND I have BIG news ... so big it's off the awesome scale. 

Dear Asshole,

Thanks for finally revealing your true nature.

In particular, I love how you've consistently tried to hide the fact that you're:

- weak
- superficial
- dishonest
- completely incapable of any empathy
- self centred
- narrow minded
- uncaring
- shallow
- callous
- cowardly
- disloyal
- pathetically vain
- slutty
- egotistical
- illogical
- unbelievably selfish
- incapable of understanding/coping with/conveying emotions
- defensive
- attention seeking
- spineless
- arrogant
- fearful
- a carbon copy of the other meaningless twat you were so desperate to be different to, yet surpass his crap-ness by not even having the self awareness he did to admit you're a total dick and apologise for it. Hilarious.

You fail on every level at meeting my expectations of what makes a man.

Your weakness makes me stronger and I celebrate you reminding me just how much better I deserve. 

Fuck you, and enjoy your half life of avoidance and ineptitude. 

S
x

Goodbyes.

I got back from Kirsten's funeral a few hours ago. 

It was what she would have wanted- short but sweet, with an elegant simplicity.  Everyone wore something pink - a tribute to her fight with breast cancer. 

Walking into the crematorium behind her family and friends, her tiny coffin covered with beautiful flowers and the Goo Goo Dolls' song Iris playing was heartbreaking; so many people shedding tears at their individual losses.  Yet the messages throughout the service were clear- smile.  Always keep smiling.  As Kirsten did throughout her illness.  Her final song, as we exited the room, was Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.  I could just picture her dancing away to it.

Her wake was decorated so beautifully with fairy lights, tables covered with objects associated with Kirsten (Some My Little Ponys and Barbies amongst them!), photographs and little reminders of this lovely lady.  It was nice to see her remembered so fondly, everyone sharing their stories and memories over drinks.  It must have been both heartbreaking and comforting for her family to know just how many will miss her smile. 

RIP Kirsten.

:-)

About a Girl.

When N and I moved in to our house years ago, our new neighbours (Kirsten, Nathan and their beagle Holly!) left us a bottle of wine and a card welcoming us to the street.  It made us feel instantly at home and when we went round to thank you, we could tell this was a couple we were going to get along with.  We met them for drinks a few times and got to know them via a few parties and pub trips in the local area, sharing stories, interests and most importantly laughs.

Kirsten was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer a few years ago.  Her intensive chemotherapy treatments never dulled her zest for life and I really admired her courage through a hardship that I'd been spared seeing my own Mother go through when she underwent a successful attempt at removing her own breast cancer.  I attended Kirsten's 35th birthday party two years ago, despite no longer living in the area.  It was a celebration of her getting through another bout of chemo and she was happy, beautiful and her usual wise, energetic and happy self. 

On Wednesday night, I got a phonecall from N who informed me that Kirsten had passed away last Friday.  It was a shock. Although I hadn't seen her for a while, I'd read her posts on facebook of her undergoing more chemo in a last ditch attempt to rid her body of the returned cancer.  It dawned on me that although her prognosis had never been good due to its aggressive nature and the fact it had returned, her strength had amazed me so much that it never occurred, naively, that she would lose this fight so suddenly.  She died in her home, peacefully, with NT by her side.

I've been very lucky in my life, not to have had to deal with much death.  I still have all four grandparents, and although various elderly relatives have passed away they've been distanced enough for me to not feel a vast amount of grief. 

Last night I sat reading the memorial web page Kirsten's friends and family have made for her.  It was so upsetting to read all the memories, each one filled with heartache from people who were missing Kirsten in one way or another, suddenly finding a Kirsten shaped gap in their lives.
It's all so surreal and desperately sad.  Her facebook page is still there;  Her car is on her driveway, where she stood laughing, telling us about the latest little bump she'd managed to get in her company car.  Yet, she's not here anymore.  This lovely, caring, incredibly strong and genuine human being no longer laughs, smiles, breathes.  So young, yet bringing such happiness to the lives of the people she encountered.  It's hard to get my head around.  My grief is miniscule compared to her closer friends and of course her family, and I dread to think how consuming grief will be for me when it is a member of my own family whose death I have to accept, but still- I've cried and I feel better for it. 

I will be attending her funeral on Monday.  I'll admit, this will be my first funeral for someone I considered a friend, despite us not being close, and also for someone so young.  Every other funeral I've been to has been for an elderly person, where there is something inevitable and quietly natural about it.  This time, the unfairness of it will make it all the more sad.  She fought this absolutely awful disease so hard, at such a young age and yet it claimed her.  The only relief is that she won't have to endure that any longer. 

I'm not at all looking forward to Monday, however, I feel I owe it to her memory to be there.  I wasn't as there for her as I could have been.  It's a chance to say goodbye to her. 

I do remember her saying to me, giving me some direct, honest advice before I left N- "life is short, far too short to waste being unhappy".  All the more poignant now she's gone. 

Exclusive: Slink Captured on Film in Natural Habitat.

The awesome KTP has put together a fab little video of my birthday celebrations at my favourite rock club, Eddies, back in March.  It just makes me smile and I wanted to share it here too:

I can't stop grinning after watching it.  I love that there is a cluster of songs that will ALWAYS always be etched on my soul and bind me with some absolutely amazing friends and some equally amazing times at Uni.  Despite these moments getting further and further into the past, the effect these songs has on each one of us will always spark memories of happy times.  I love it.  It's priceless.  :-)

I'm still waiting to be given the all clear so I can return to work.  I have an appointment tomorrow where I'm hoping to be booked back fit. If not, I'll have to wait until my sick note runs out on Friday.  I just want to get back to the normal drudgery of work now, I miss it!

LADS: Lets be Less.

There's a guy I come into contact with regularly who is possibly the biggest Tri-Hard I know.

He's married and a father, perhaps not the brightest tool in the box but works hard to make a living for his family.  He appears to model himself on a mixture of Homer Simpson and your typical "LAD".   Here's a few examples:

- His facebook is littered with Laddish, semi-sexist meme's that he's found online.
- He shares images from groups with intellectual titles like "I just keep clicking until I see some boobs" and "Rack/Bum of the Day".
- His idol is James Bond.
- He prides himself on getting his wife stereotypically "thoughtful" gifts like a grill and a micro pedi for her birthday.
- Anything appealing to the humour of a 12 year old boy would also appeal to him.
- He frequently makes Jim Davidson style innuendo jokes.
- He makes self depreciating comments about himself like "I did one push up last night and my arms are killing me!"

This is a guy in his thirties.  I would expect all the above to apply to a 12 year old, maybe a simple student, but he's in his thirties.  And he's actually bred children which is a concern.  
Now, this guy is harmless.  Dull, but harmless.  But nevertheless he is actively, desperately almost, trying to live up to a set and quite frankly awful stereotype.  This is a concept completely alien to me.  Don't get me wrong, this man doesn't offend me, neither do I think he's a bad person- I just find his complete lack of originality and lack of identity, sadly pathetic.  He has a complete lack of self- nearly everything he says or does comes from somewhere else.  I hear him saying things which I know he's already shared on facebook a few days earlier... I hear him making jokes or telling stories with exactly the same "bloke" undertones as the day before and it's just rather tiresome.

And it's not uncommon.  We all grew up with a sense of wanting to belong.  We're tribal creatures; social creatures with common interests and hobbies which bring us together or divide us.  I get this.  I wasn't the most popular kid at school, never part of a huge crowd, but I had a small group of like minded friends and I failed to see how others wanted to be part of the "in" crowd just for the sake of it, rather than actually liking the people in the crowd.  Lets be honest, the "in" crowd is always full of absolute losers who are mainly shallow and not particularly nice people who I had ZERO in common with.  Why, why WHY would I EVER want to be accepted by them??! I had this mentality at the age of 12 and it caused me some isolation, some bullying but my god I wouldn't change it, it's made me the free-thinking person I am.

I know other men, or should I say boys, who become ensconced in this pathetic "LAD" culture of getting pissed, being sexist and fucking around, reducing women to their body parts etc.  I've seen fairly intelligent guys who disappointingly buy into this boy-dom, who lose the ability to think for themselves and then in turn become accustomed to being sexist, unattractive and frankly pathetic puppet consumers of archaic, sexist attitudes and cultures. 

And quite often, it takes a woman to challenge them and break the cycle, rather than it being a well informed, conscious decision to just strap on a pair and grow the hell up.  Alternatively, when these men become parents, more so to daughters, they then also see a step change, however some do not, and continue to pass down their stereotype to their sons and daughters.  And whilst touching on this area: I cannot stand the hypocrisy of some fathers who take on this over bearing, over-protective father role.  The worst offenders being those who are effectively protecting their daughters from men LIKE THEMSELVES and therefore openly admitting that most men are pathetic shitbags. Yet don't get called sexist. Odd.  

Why there aren't many men who come to their own conclusion that both men AND women deserve more than this, is beyond me.  I know many men.  I don't dislike men; I have a great many male friends, some very close male friends and indeed, my best friend is male.  But I  will remain cynical until more come forward, step up and reclaim being a MAN as being a decent, good, honest person who despite having a weakness for boobs, don't feel the need to denigrate women, reduce them to their body parts, and don't see the point in being part of a damaging and frankly pathetic culture of being LESS than they are capable of.  This is expressed far more eloquently in the below quote which is one of my all time favourites:

Males these days have suffered something of an identity crisis and I can't quite work out if this is a result of the advances women have made in asking for more, in expecting more, and demanding they are treated better because we ARE better than what we were being portrayed to be.  However, men seem to have retreated in the opposite direction and instead of wanting to be MORE than their stereotype (Homer Simspon- useless- fumbling- follow-his-friends- and-cheer-at-boobs) they've positively encouraged it.  They don't even want to be called MEN anymore, preferring lesser terms like Bloke and Lad. Possibly because there is confusion as to what a Man is these days.  Here's a thought- how about just trying to be a good HUMAN: accepting, honest, caring and respectful.

And it's not just guys. Some women are just as capable of this ridiculous act.  I know plenty of women who WANT to be less than they are and actually play up to a stereotype- dumbing down, not venturing any opinion, or possibly not having any for fear of it not being the "right" one; acting stupid, having to copy a certain look.  It's just ridiculous. And I don't get it.  Can't get it.  If you're yourself, you'll attract the right people to you.  I'm a right stroppy, opinionated cow and I have some AWESOME friends.

I fail to see how anyone would want to strive to be less than they are.  Perhaps it's reached a stage where I expect men to be sheep, and maybe I (wrongly) expect more from women since women have fought for us to be accepted as more than our stereotypes.  In the last Century women have pushed to be MORE.  There have been no such movements for Men.  Because men appear less bothered at being seen as less than they are, positively embracing their shoddy stereotypes in places.  They seek acceptance from their friends, defining themselves as the same rather than trying to be different, even when they hold a different opinion.  Sheep. Boring as hell, Sheep. Sorry Sheep.

I lose respect for any person (Man or Woman for that matter but for the purposes of this paragraph I will say "he") who claims he has the capacity to think intelligently and debate intelligently but who fails to see the problems he contributes to by being part of a pathetic, archaic, sheep style culture of sexist stereotyping and embraces being a Lad.  A Boy. 

I'm proud to be different. Opinionated, hot headed, controversial at times, and to my detriment occasionally- but only because I believe in things and I'm not afraid to voice them.  I am true to my being and my beliefs. I may not be pretty and cute and wife material.  But I'm me. And that's one thing I love about myself.

Watches.

A few months ago I lost my beloved, trusty, old fossil watch.  I'd had it a couple of years and it was still going strong.  With there being a lot of building work going on at the house I figured it could have been thrown away by accident.  After about a month or two I decided I was never going to see it again and set about buying a new one.

I've never been crazy about watches.  It's a watch.  It tells the time, and generally I just like a nice simple design which serves a functional and efficient purpose.  Amazed at the sheer number of watches on the market, and the massive range in prices from about £15 to £3000 I just found the whole thing a bit ridiculous. 

I finally found one I liked as a simple every day watch, and in true slink style-y I found another slightly more fancy one.  In similar slink style- I bought both.  And before you judge me as a materialistic, more-money-than-sense, loon I might point out that BOTH these watches together cost less than the last watch I bought for N. So there.

I think you will agree they are both awesome.  I love the simplicity of the everyday one (Cross).  It's very uni-sex, but with a petrol effect facia which gives it a bit of mystery.  The second is a bit wacky and different (Vivienne Westwood) with a blood red facia set within a gold fancy frame, on an antique effect mustard strap.  I love the contrast and quirkiness of it.  It's perfect for slightly dressier occasions.  As long as the watch matches the outfit of course.  Hmm.

I've been enjoying my new watches for the last two weeks or so and I'm very pleased with them.  They're the right size, style, design and comfort for me. I finally Instagram-ed a picture of my new fancy watch yesterday afternoon. 

This morning, following a very unpleasantly dizzy shower, I was putting away my various toiletry bottles and potions into my toiletry bag and low and behold- I pulled out this...

... this, my dear readers, is my OLD watch. 

His familiar, steely, little face peering at me as if to say "Hi mom, I've been in here ages! Who's that fancy gold thing on your wrist??".  I mean, the timing is just pure genius.  It's like he waited for me to show the social-media world my new watch before humiliatingly showing up in my toiletry bag.

I'm pleased he's back.  And now I have three watches to choose from, which considering I've only ever had one watch (usually lasting me about four-five years at a time)... seems like overkill. 

Like a true fossil, he was lost, buried and juuust about forgotten before reappearing.   :-)

Sick Note.

I went to the doctors again yesterday and have been signed off work for two more weeks.  He was pretty thorough doing lots of balance tests and moving my head about etc. Sadly he did say some people recover within days, others within about 6 weeks. I'll be happy, on this occasion, of being joyously average and falling in the midst of that recovery range. 

I feel a bit like a fraud because if I sit still for most of the day I feel okay, and would probably be perfectly able to do my job.  Being in a car still feels like being on a roller coaster and generally my mornings are spent waiting for my head to stop spinning but my ear feels less blocked and it wasn't as painful when the doctor put his little ear-telescope-thing into it.  Loud noises tend to make me feel queasy too at the moment, so I guess the office could be a bit of an issue. I've been prescribed some anti-sickness tablets which will help with the nausea and dizziness but the doctor said they're not all that successful with inner ear troubles, and also they will make me feel drowsy.  Having read the side effects, they state- may cause dizziness and drowsiness.  Er.... right. :-/

I just want to be well now though.  Hopefully things will get better and I'll be able to go back to the docs and ask him to mark me back as fit to work. 

N has returned from his travels and came straight away to look after me which was lovely of him.  I've had other chums calling me, and checking up on me via daily texts too so it's good to know out of sight isn't out of mind.  Good buddies really can make the world of difference.

If I'm going to be off work for at least another week I need a To Do List because I simply can NOT sit around doing nothing.  Soo here are my ideas for...

Things To Do While Off Sick Which Don't Involve Moving My Head:

- Drawing up my new tattoo
- Reading all the books I have piled up
- Re-Acquaint myself with some Japanese phrases and alphabet
- Blog
- Sketch
- Think up some new self promo sculpture projects
- Re-watch "Seven Psychopaths"

Any further suggestions are welcome!

Four Long Days.

Four days I have been off work.  Four. 

That's a lot of hours.

I've watched a LOT of crap TV in that time.  I've also watched two DVD's as stated in my last post, Re-watched The Hobbit yesterday and I watched the entire first series of Dinnerladies today.

This is my second viewing of The Hobbit.  I fell asleep.  It's just too long.  I WANT to like it.  And mostly, it's got a warm familiar air about it which I would expect from re-creating the same world that we were exposed to many years ago with The Lord Of The Rings trilogy. However, as much as I want to, I can't get enthusiastic about it.  I'm still not happy with some of the Dwarves looking like Men, with others looking like Dwarves, as if they didn't want to make them ALL ugly so they thought they'd have two or three fairly good looking ones- which begs the question, Why? And then, of course, it's just sooo padded out.  Overly long scenes and too many near scrapes.  I find some of the landscapes too heavy on effects which doesn't make it feel as "real" as LOTR did.  I'm gutted, because I half thought I might appreciate it more the second time round, and despite being ill- I didn't expect to fall asleep near the end. 

I was hoping to go and see Man of Steel at the cinema this weekend, but with me being unwell I might have to wait. 

Bums. :-(

I've gone viral.

I have managed to pick up a virus. 

I nearly collapsed at work the other day and had to be driven home, leaving my poor little Franko alone in the dark depths of Walsall for a day.  He was safely retrieved later on yesterday evening.

My doctor has told me I have a virus which is affecting my inner ear, sending my balance off, giving me nausea, a high temperature and dizziness.  I have a feeling a little bit like my head is being twisted in two directions, and a little bit drunk when I close my eyes- the room spins.  It's not very nice.

Soo I've been off work today. And may well be tomorrow depending how I feel in the morning.  I've spent the day on the sofa watching Mary & Max followed by Little Miss Sunshine.  Both awesome, though I forgot just how sad the first one was.  Probably not the best choice when you're feeling under the weather.

I also managed to get prescribed some sleeping tablets.  The last time I was given sleeping tablets was when I had my longest period of sustained insomnia and I was prescribed Temazepam.  Highly addictive, I wasn't prescribed many at a time, and was instructed not to take them on consecutive nights.  They were awesome.  And many a night I have wished I had some to help knock me out.  This time I've been given Zopiclone, and last night was the best nights sleep I've had in months.  I don't think I ever EVER naturally sleep a whole night through without waking up.  But I drifted off to sleep so quickly last night, and woke just before my alarm went off (as usual) with a FULL, uninterrupted nights sleep.  Honestly, the value of this is completely alien to some people.  I guess that is why they are so addictive.

Yin and Yang.

What a day.

Definitely bittersweet:

- Intentions to get up early and go to the gym failed - BAD. 
- Slept in- GOOD!
- Seemed to have an allergic reaction to my shower gel- BAD.
- Trod on and broke my awesome Shure earphones- UBER BAD.
- Popped to the city of Brum in the Sunshine and caught up with two chums over a coffee - GOOD!
- Had a big fight with a someone who used to be a friend and who is being a selfish prick- BAD.
- Got to see the the spangly new New Street station taking shape in Brum- GOOD!
- Cleaned Franko- GOOD!
- Forgot to eat lunch- BAD.
- Discovered my Shure earphones are unfixable and have had to fork out £75 for a new pair- BAAD.
- New watches arrived- GOOD!
- New SHOOOES arrived- GOOOOOOD!
- Hopefully going to get to the gym tonight to forget about earlier argument - GOOD.

What a thoroughly messed up day- I don't know whether to smile or cry!!!

Behold ... Franko.

So a few blogs ago I confessed to spending an extortionate amount of money on a special opaque wax for my beautiful matt black Fiat 500, Franko.  I used the wax about a week or so ago and have to say it worked a treat, but for £54 you'd bloody expect it to! The picture on the left is him post-wax and I think you will agree he looks awesome.  I need to get some tyre blackener on his tyres though because they've gone a bit grey. 

Very occasionally, and I mean VERY occasionally, I regret getting a matt black car purely for the paint vulnerability and also for the inconvenience of not being able to run him through a car wash or even pay for a handwash (as their cloths will be full of nasty polish and unsafe wax).  However, 99.9% of the time I love that he's different.  I love the looks and comments he gets on a regular basis.   His matt finish makes him rare, his blue stripes make him unique - he's provocative. Just like me. :-) I love him.

Crafty!

I recently completed a small cake topper commission for a birthday cake- Hope you can guess who the 80's Popstar is...!?

For more nuggets of miniature awesome visit my website.