Crashland. Radioactive.

One of the most beautiful and apt songs from last year.  This will always be my 2012 song.

 

And... this one... this is my 2013 song.  "I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones" ...

Resolutions Update

As the first month of 2013 draws to a frosty and foggy close, I thought it was about time I had a Resolution update:

Resolution 1: Be more active. hmmm. Not happening as of yet thanks to the cold and snow.  My aims though are to start doing my nightly situps again, to go for jogs/runs and look into Boxercise classes.

Resolution 2: Be less angry.
I am no longer watching provocative debate shows which always fuelled my rage.  I need to try not to rise to the bait.

Resolution 3: Laugh more.
I need more comedy!

Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Yes! Films. And I'm reading again too. When I finish Mark Kermode's book I will be reading Neil Gaiman, Sylvia Plath, Christopher Hitchin and Derren Brown books which I have waiting.

Resolution 5: Be more creative.
I have a commission on the books already and I am still working on the new tattoo.  Thinking Eastern Pheonix or a dragon as a tribute to my fictional heroine Lisbeth Salander. A reminder not to take any shit from men is always good for the soul. 

Resolution 6: Blog more.
Done and done!

Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Work in progress.  I have the knowledge now and I feel less afraid of cutting out parts of my life that lead nowhere but misery and negativity. I know what I DON'T want. Now to know what I DO.

One.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey


And at least now I know those who are worth it, and those that aren't. :-)

Ill Manners

Chav-Bashing- a bad joke turned into bilious policy

 

I've posted the above article because it very much relates to the video below.  I came across the below a few months ago and was struck by it's social commentry.  I would strive to say it's the most powerful music videos I've seen for many years and I think it sums up the last few years better than anything else I've seen or read. 

 

It's aptly crafted - edgy, raw and with a deep, angry intensity which is captured both musically and visually.

 

I have no doubt it's messages, many ironically contradictory, will be missed by both sides using it as an influencial piece condoning certain lifestyles and behaviour and for this reason I fear it's potential poignancy has been negated.  In all the articles, literature, websites and papers I've read on the social impact of the Tory Government- THIS, to me, is the most intensely powerful and honest account of the widening social divide that's expanded before everyone's eyes. 

 

2013

And here we are in 2013. 

I'll be waving goodbye to my little neice, my brother and sister-in-law on Friday ( sadtimes), and along with it I will be waving goodbye to 2012 (and all the nastiness that went with it-).

My resolutions for the year as highlighted by my end of 2012 review plus a few extras will be as follows:

Resolution 1: Be more active.
Self explanatory!

Resolution 2: Be less angry.
Spending less time watching infuriating tv programs on politics and debates on religion. 
Find more time watching things that make me laugh and inspire me.

Resolution 3: Laugh more.
As above- watch more tv that makes me laugh; spend time with people who make me laugh.

Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Be inspired by sights, sounds (gigs), comedy, theatre etc.

Resolution 5: Be more creative.
Find time for photographs, projects, clay work, sketch books and ink pens. Obtain a new tattoo!  

Resolution 6: Blog more.
Find time for more blogging perhaps to monitor the success of these resolutions!

Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Sort out what I need to be happy and chase it.  It won't happen over night and it won't happen by keeping everything the same.

I'm already getting off to a good start with Resolution 4: Be Inspired as I received two pairs of gig tickets for the Deftones and Bastille gigs in January and February. Absolutely STOKED about those. The new tattoo will also be either a dragon or a chinese style phoenix I think but this is still a work in progress. 

Despite the governments best efforts, despite the knobheads I am bound to encounter, I hope that this year will be a happier one.  For everyone. Except anyone who upset me last year of course- you can go do one.  :-)

Christmas 2012 with my little neice.

 I was apprehensive about christmas this year until my brother told us he was bringing his new little family back from Japan to join us for two weeks over Christmas and New Year.  They arrived on the 22nd December and I met my little neice Natalie for the first time. 

 

The last two weeks have gone really quick but have provided us all with a lovely end to a tumultuous year.  Spending time with my little neice has been a joy and it makes me feel pretty sad that when they leave on Friday morning I'll be saying goodbye to her for an indefinite amount of time. 

 

 

I'm not sure what age she will be when we'll see her again, and it's highly likely that she will forget us until she's much older and her longer term memory is more functional.  I feel sad about this... but immensely happy to have met her at such a precious little age.  It's made for a really warming, family christmas which is just what I've needed at the end of such a difficult year.  My heart feels full again.  

 

Gonna miss this little munchkin.

Reflections on 2012 pt 5: My Niece

In May, the family welcomed our first new addition - Natalie.

I will be meeting her for the first time this christmas as my brother is bringing his new little family back from Japan, so it's set to be a really special one this year. 

Although she lives really far away I hope she'll grow up knowing her two English Aunts care greatly for her and are looking forward to seeing her grow up. :-)

Reflections on 2012 pt 4: Promotion

In March I started applying for jobs.  I had only been at my place of work for a year, having been made redundant and re-deployed from my previous role.  I moved and was lucky enough to be placed somewhere familiar and within a small, friendly station in the area I'd grown up.  Although it took me longer to adjust than I anticipated I became part of the family.  Within that year though, my job there was yet again to be put at risk under the second round of Tory cuts so I started applying for jobs rather than wait around and see where someone else wanted me to go- if at all.  I put my heart and soul into preparing for my interview, which was the day after my birthday. 

After a tough interview with an Inspector from my current job on the panel, I was telephoned to say I'd been offered a post at Walsall.  It wasn't the ideal place I wanted to be and I was nervous about it to say the least, but I also needed to take this step.  It was time for me to move upwards. 

I started in May.  Commuting in my new car, Franko, to my new place of work.  It's certainly been a huge step and frustratingly slow in terms of getting access to systems and training now that our training courses have been slashed in the cuts. Six months in, I'm settling; I'm learning; and hopefully growing into my role a little more each day.  I don't have quite the same bonds as I did at my last job as it's a smaller team and the nature of the work means the job in general can be stressful and tiring.  However, I'm learning a lot and this is hopefully another stepping stone into bigger, brighter things.  That's *IF* there's a force left after the Tory's have finished their assault on the UK's services.

Reflections on 2012 pt 3: L is for...

I made a new friend in 2012.  He is called- L.

He has been the best thing about this year and will remain to be a special part of my life for years to come I hope. 

I met L at work in Sutton Coldfield.  I had commented many a time to colleagues of this polite Policeman who would email me for uniform orders- his good manners standing out like a little ray of sunshine in a job that can sometimes come with little thanks.  I think I had probably met him once or twice during the admin side of my initial induction at Sutton, however it's only when he was working down the corridoor from me that I really got to know him.  My office had a fair bit of banter with their office and over many practical jokes, after-work pub drinks and blu-tak figurines- we got to know each other, and I instantly knew I'd found a friend.

My instinct told me very early on that I would get on very well with L.  He is open, warm, friendly, generous and forgiving.  He has a genuine, kind heart and his support, patience and affection were my crutches during a difficult an emotional time in my life this year.  I have confided in him, cried to him, shared hugs and many laughs and although I've not even known him a year, I would feel lost without him in my life. 

He likes words- I like pictures. He calls me Sarahphim. He calls me bossy and says I have a temperament like the Incredible She-Hulk.  He knows I can be grumpy, that I'm opinionated, challenging and headstrong, our views differ on many things, yet he's made me feel respected, loved, nurtured and less alone, at a time when I felt anything but. 

I know in L, I have found a true friendship that I never ever want to lose. 

To my best friend L, I love you more than you know and I thank you.

Reflections on 2012 pt 2: N, Where I end and You Begin...

In January, I left home.

My home.  It's almost indescribable how much I miss my house, and the walls where I encased my soul for a year.  However, I wasn't happy there.  At times it felt like a prison, and a place where I felt alone and unsupported by my partner of 8 years N. 

I met N 10 years ago at University.  We've had a tumultuous and stormy relationship from the outset but have carved a path through many trials and tribulations.  N is my soul mate and best friend.  I want to avoid cliches as they sound futile, however he is etched into my heart and always will be.  I love him deeply and have been sadenned to see sides of him I once knew and loved become lost to his career. 
He is driven and dedicated to his job.  His career literally means the world to him, and whilst I love what I do and put my all into it, it is not where my heart and soul lies.  I look to the arts, to friends, family and home life to make me happy and as we've grown into hard working adults our differing outlooks and priorities have become vastly apparant; to the extent where when I needed him most, when my Mum was diagnosed, I turned to find N largely pre-occupied with his job.  Emotional needs weren't being met and I felt pressured into appearing happy at a time when all I felt was sad, lost, confused and angry at life.

I will always love N.  A part of me longs desperately to go back to my old home, to N.  But I fear too much has now changed.  Everything I have mentioned in Reflections Pt 1 has happened without him- or with him in the distance.  He has never been too far away, which right now I am very glad about.   We've spoken every week, and met up like the old friends we used to be over the last few months.  I miss how we were.  I miss his companionship.  It's important to remember that amidst the stress and anger that engulfed is this time last year, that our relationship has been filled with laughing, closeness and a bond that can't be put into paragraphs in a blog.  He knows me.  Inside out.  All of me, my good parts, bad parts, all my flaws laid bare, and he still loves me for them... sometimes though, I fear he misinterprets my expressionist side and misunderstands my needs.

We've both had time. I've learnt a lot this year, both about myself and the situation I found myself in.  I have a new appreciation for what I had, for N and what he provided for me, but I've also grown and learnt a lesson in independence which has made me feel strengthened from within. 

I honestly don't know what next year holds for N and I.  Next year I will have to find my own place to live.  There's fear of more unknowns, but I feel equipped to cope.  I have no idea if what I am writing is a beginning or an ending; a prelude or an epilogue, whatever it is though, it's been a part of  a chaotic and emotive 2012 that I won't forget.  

Reflections on 2012 part 1.

The year is drawing to a close.

I started off 2012 having left my best friend and partner of 8 years*, my home, alot of my belongings and the place where my heart and soul had resided for a year, impressing its gentle watermarks into the walls, surfaces and ambiance of each room.  My mum was recovering from her breast cancer surgery, and my job was once again potentially under threat at a place where I'd found many friends and felt like one of the family. 

Everything felt upside down.  I was exhausted and mostly in tatters and about this time last year I had already decided that something had to change. 

By January, I was back at my parents home, sleeping in a cold, back room of the house on a sofa bed.   I started looking around for other jobs around this time too.  By March, I was getting interviews for new jobs and after a few successful ones and two job offers I opted for a new job in Walsall, a promotion, and all round challenge.  It was to be my second huge step into the unknown so early on into the year and despite the fears and conflictions I seized the opportunity as a new start.

During these months of interviews and CV's an job spiel, two things happened- I learnt how to juggle (!) and I met L* who was working down the coridoor in a temporary office.  L has become my biggest smile of 2012.  In him, I have found a true best friend for life and I owe him an awful lot for his stoic support, kind words and encouragement over the year.  I love him dearly and hope I never ever lose his friendship.
In contrast, during this time I met a second person who would be my biggest mistake of the year.  I also thought, this person- who I won't even grace with an initial, would be a true friend.  I shared a great deal with them and, perhaps mislead by the sadness and instability in my life at the time, I leant on them for support.  Instead, my trust was betrayed and I got caught up in bitter mind games resulting in nothing but let down, hurt and confusion. 

I started my new job at the end of April.* The timing couldn't have been better as I needed to get away from the pressure cooker of friend-politics that had been building.  After three years communting by train, I had to step away from time tables, platforms, reading newspapers and books in a carriage and healthy, brisk walks- and swap it for a 25 minute commute of sitting still staring at a road surface.  I felt lost, stepping away from the comforts of my good friends, my work family who I had loved seeing daily- into a cold, old building in a very different area of the West Midlands.  At a time where I craved stability and order, I found the transition hard but was relieved to find that my new working team was friendly and welcoming. 
Resolution 1: Be more active.

Despite my friendly team, the job itself has brought about a new perspective of policing, people, culture and criminality.  Instead of working on the peripheries of policing in a supportive role, I've learnt an awful lot from being thrust into the thick of actual police work.  It's opened my eyes and altered some of my opions, and this in turn has added to my angst and fury at this odeous, bile-inducing- Government's policies. It's left me very resentful, as I'm sure regular blog readers will already know with many of my posts this year taking on a political rant tone in utter disgust at some of the unjustified impositions this Tory government has created. 
Resolution 2: Be less angry.

May saw the birth of my little neice- Natalie*; another small blossom of newness, hope and smiles in an otherwise tumultuous and rocky time. 

In late July, early August, our family cat Oscar had to be put down*.  He was a friendly, clumsy, 14 year old black and white cat who had seemed well up until the week before his death.  He had a deteriorating heart condition due to his age.  I'm glad that I was with him when he was put to sleep.  I held him, stroked his head as his eyes closed, and kissed him goodbye with a thank you for his life in our family home.  He's left a small hole.  Our remaining cat, Phoebe misses him, and she has been changed by his absence. She seems lost sometimes, and anxious of being alone- something I can very much relate to this year.  I miss him too.

Living back at the family home after almost ten years of independence hasn't come easy.  It's had an impact on my family relationships, some of which I will discuss later*. 

My creativity hasn't gone by the wayside this year either.  It's been a busy, chaotic year but I've managed to find time to complete some sculpture projects amidst it all.  I think one of my resolutions next year will be to make more time for creative projects.  That means more photo's.  More clay.  And learning a new skill.
Resolution 3: Be more creative.

My main trip of the year was my visit to Brugge with N.  It was a beautiful place and it was great taking photographs, breathing clean air into my lungs, and just experiencing being somewhere so quaintly, stunning. Whilst I don't think the two of us felt completely relaxed, images and sights will remain alive in my memory with fondness and warmth.  Highlights included a fantastic Dali exhibition, and seeing works by Miro and Picasso in smaller exhibitions there.  I also really want to go back to Brussels next year for a weekend and spend time visiting the many art galleries and museums as we only dropped by for a couple of hours on our way home. 

Fast track a couple of months and I feel more settled in my job.  My team friendships grow almost daily, and I feel that each passing week brings me closer into the fold.  I am aware that my job will only be for another 12 months, but I'll try and make the most of being where I am for the time being; gathering as much training and knowledge as I can ready for my next step and challenge.  As the year closes, I'm starting to miss my home again.  Whilst I have much to be grateful for, I still have things to aim for, things I need in my life in order to feel whole again.  I've entertained the thought that perhaps that bit of emptiness is okay,that it may always remain and that all I actually need to do is learn to appreciate and step back; to make more time for the things I enjoy, to laugh more and spend time with people I care about and who care about me.  This year has taught me all those things are vital and while I'm entering the christmas period feeling wary of sadness- at a time where everyone turns to family and I'm still not sure where I belong- I'm also hopeful that what I've learnt this year will help me make better decisions and be a better person. 
Truth be told, I was dreading this christmas away from home, away from a loving partner, and looking back on the difficulties of the year.  But, my brother, his wife and my little neice will be joining the family Christmas this year for the first time and I hope that it will be special for that alone. 

I'm going to be diving into some of the topics I've discussed here in more detail in the run up to Christmas.*

Resolution 4: Blog more.