From the Cutting Room Floor.

I think for the first time today, the subject of self harm has been widely reported on the news.

Self Harm Article - BBC news.

This all follows from an Australian study stating that 1 in 12 young adults self harm.

I actually disagree with some of the study and think the parts on suicide are misleading. I'm not saying that there isn't a link, but it's more accurate to say that it may be a common denominator- just like depression is linked to suicide but doesn't necessarily mean that it will lead to it. The facts are that both self harm and suicide are linked to depression and this is where the focus should remain. Mental health issues and treatments are vastly under funded in this country.

This topic is close to my heart. I self harmed between the age of 20-25. There were signs when I was a lot younger but I only self harmed heavily when I was at University.

I don't think it was a distraction from suicide but it's true that I was extremely anxious and trying to fight anxiety and depression at the time. All the above are shrouded with misunderstanding and prejudice so as a sufferer you also have to battle the judgments, guilt and social implications that come with it. I was on medication, struggling with appreciating my body, my skills, with relationships and generally not feeling good enough.

I no longer self harm. I no longer feel as I did then... but it's true that at times of great stress and anguish I feel the familiar urge. I know better now. And I also don't want any more scars. I took out my frustrations, confusions and anguish on a body that I hated; on skin that I had never felt comfortable in.

I used to cut. With an Xacto blade. Always on my upper legs because they would always be hidden. I had stitches just once; when I cut too far. You always know when you have- you see white fat beneath the skin. It shocked and scared me but even after this, cutting always helped to ground me; often after cutting I would stop crying and fall asleep. Always temporary- but it's what I needed at the time to help me cope with how I felt. It all seems to far away now.

I went on to use my experience to support others by becoming a support specialist for mental health issues and self harm addictions on a womens health web forum for about 5 years. It's something I miss... but working full time meant I couldn't devote the mental energy needed to listen to other peoples pains and struggles.

I can't escape the scars. They're a part of me and a part of my history, and it's this part that really wants to study Art Therapy, the only combination of two things I really really care about.

From a real woman.

"Real women have curves"

I resent this phrase.

The many years of using too-thin models on catwalks and the linking up of eating disorders with images of thin women in the media, has given birth to an ugly counter-phenomenon. I'm not going to deny that media has a hugely negative impact on women's esteem... but I find this particular line of defence disturbing. Women have turned on each other, using a "them and us" mindset which only serves to further alienate and lower esteem.

We should be pushing for real beauty, as opposed to plastics, airbrushing and photo-editing; We should be pushing for acceptance of spots, freckles, wrinkles, scars- all those things that makes human skin human; Pushing for feeling healthy and happy in your skin. THIS phrase, this "Real Women" assault, has been coined by full figured ladies tired of being made to feel ugly by the use of slim women in media- and they've fought back in the stereotypically bitchy way some women can resort to; by putting someone else down. It's cliched, it's dull and it's tiresome.

I am slim. I have always been small. Contrary to popular belief, I struggle to get clothes to fit and there are clothes I would love to wear but can't or wouldn't feel comfortable in. I don't tend to put on much weight but I am as susceptible to stretch marks and cellulite as the next woman. I have small boobs (highly unfashionable), very fair skin which does not tan (and neither do I feel the need to do so), thin hair, freckles, moles and scars. I have just as many issues with my body as the next woman- if not more. I have struggled accepting how I look and am prone to bouts of intense insecurity about my body; I've struggled to feel any degree of comfort in my skin. I am often asked if I eat properly, or if I specifically try to maintain my low weight... and people have no qualms about making comments about my physique which they wouldn't dream of doing to a fuller sized person. Something about being naturally slim seems to give the rest of the world an open invitation to comment on your size, as if for some reason, I won't mind. Well why would I, seeing as by today's standards, I am not a real woman.

I would love to ask those who feel the need to enquire about my clothing size, whether they would feel the need to ask it of a larger sized woman. I would also love to know how people calling me skinny as if it's a compliment, would feel if I suddenly felt the urge to conjure up a nickname based purely on the the size of their waistband.

This is the problem with this phrase.

It might make you fat ladies (not nice is it, being labelled) feel better about yourselves, but it's doing nothing for the fight against the media. The media has not changed; 99% of imagery we see in advertising is edited and airbrushed and we're still being conditioned to accept it.

It's doing nothing to fight against eating disorders because these disorders are always going to exist, exacerbated wherever there are attacks on women's esteem; as long as women are to be judged by what they look like and told they are not good enough.

It's doing nothing to challenge perceptions or promote happiness, esteem and acceptance for ALL women- quite the opposite in fact; it's divisive, nasty and a cheap shot. Whatever the intention was- it's misguided and poorly judged.


What is this even based on!? Are these ladies making a lame attempt at harking back to the old Renaissance paintings where big, pale, wobbly thighs were a thing of beauty- well fair enough- but a small bust and eating as much as you could to prove your wealth was fashionable then too. The truth is that Real Women come in all shapes and sizes, colours, heights and widths.

I may be slim. I may not conform to the stereotypical "beauty". But I AM a real woman. I am far more than my clothing size and will continue to feel saddened and disgusted by the promotion of the "real women" campaigns. Such a great opportunity lost and wasted, proving that women's self esteem will always be abused and contorted.