Ticking Boxes.

It's been a while!

I've met someone.

I'd given up on meeting anyone to share my life with and was starting to accept that my life could be just as fulfilled and happy whilst on my own... and then I met M.

He has turned my life upside down.  There are so many things about him that are perfect for me.  I don't especially buy in to the whole- there is one perfect person for people, or that there are people out there made for each other... however, with M so much feels right.

For a start, he is a Pirate.  Well, not quite, but he works as a navigator at sea for five weeks at a time and he manages a crew of staff on board.

He works out.  He used to play rugby.  He has amazing shoulders and has the nicest, kindest eyes I have ever seen.  He likes rock music; he knows Eddies (my rock club).  He is caring and treats me like I actually mean something. He is intelligent, successful and grounded.  He is a gentleman, and he is the first real man I have met who is willing to actually earn my affections.

After our first proper date, he went out to sea.  We spoke every day for five weeks while he was away and we just find things to talk about.  It just falls into place.  When he came home, we had a day at the zoo (we both love animals); he took me to an amazing Michelin star restaurant in Birmingham which is just the best, most incredible meal I have ever had in my life.  He took me to the Royal Shakespeare Theatre for an amazing performance of Otherllo and he also crossed off one of my bucket list items by organizing a trip to Gruyere in Switzerland where the HR Giger museum is.  It was MIND-BLOWING.  Such a place of beauty being up in the mountains; fresh, crisp air, chocolate, cheese and just the best company I could have asked for.  It was just a perfect weekend.  We even had a huge storm on the first night for which we donned our rain macs and went and sat up in the castle grounds of Gruyere and watched the lightening lighting up the whole sky, mountains and valleys.  We were both in awe of it.  Gruyere was home to these amazing, rare little humming bird moths which I had great fun trying to photograph.  I managed to get an awesome photo of one too, which I am chuffed with.  We spent an afternoon in the perfectly decorated Giger Bar drinking cocktails, Absynthe and hot chocolate with meringues and cream ( a Swiss special) and loved every minute.  It feels right.  Finally.

After an amazing weekend, we spent Tuesday in Lincoln where M's new boat is moored.  It was great to see him so happy and smiling... and we're using the Marina as a neutral place for him to meet my folks next weekend before he heads back off-shore for his next five week tour of duty.

For the first time in a long long time- I may have finally found someone worthy of my heart and trust and love.

Happy :-)

Platonic.

Due to my choice of University and subsequently my choice of career, I've always had many male friends.  Even in school I had a nice mixed group of friends in sixth form.  I actually find male company less intense, and up until my current job, a lot less complicated without the usual and stereotypical cattiness that comes with being around lots of women.  There have been complications previously, when the boundaries of friendship have blurred on one side and not the other, but generally my male friends have had just a bigger influence on my life as my female ones.

However, now I'm getting older, my circle of friends has decreased naturally, as it does when you start to understand who is meant to stay and who isn't.  In the last week, I've had two good male friends say that meeting up with me would make their partner uncomfortable.  To pad this out, both these friends of mine have never ever been anything more than friends. Both have long-term partners - one a fiancé, the other a wife.  I've been told that both these women would be uncomfortable with their partner meeting me for a drink or coffee which I find to be a massive judgment on my character based on nothing other than the fact that I am female and single, which clearly means I must be desperate to steal other women's men.  Even when you're happily married, it would appear I am still a threat.  It's ridiculous.  I can partly understand the unknown being a source of anxiety for women in this situation, but there are ways around it; getting to know me for a start!

I guess this is going to get more and more common.  With my female friends getting married and settling down, and my male friends being banned from seeing me... it's set to be a pretty lonely decent into my thirties.

Letting Go.

Bad Things:

I've avoided posting this for a while.  The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest I've experienced for a very very long time.  I've managed to pull myself back together... or just about, and feel like I can move forward albeit tentatively.

N has been a big part of my life for the last decade.  We were together for eight years and even when I left two years ago we remained very close, still seeing each other regularly and spending time together when we could.  I never ever pictured my life without him, rightly or wrongly and continued to tell people who didn't understand how we remained so close, that he was my soulmate and always would be.

N has met someone now, and recently told me that there would be no chance of us recovering our past relationship and that it would be best if we no longer continued to stay in touch. Despite me knowing this could have been a reality, hearing it so bluntly threw me for six.  I was now faced with having to face the unknown of the rest of my life without my best friend. It hurt. A lot. It hurt that I was no longer considered irreplaceable in his life and that he had moved forward with out the need for me in his life.  I think it hurt an awful lot more than I ever thought it would, but then I'd never really let myself think about it.  For a good two weeks I was pretty broken, feeling like the world had been turned upside down and left fighting the dark, this in the first two weeks of my new job too.  Stress. It's been awful.  I stopped eating and sleeping and basically drifted along in a state of misery for two weeks.  My new job was stressful and I was missing my friends and colleagues hugely... I still do.

Good things:

But I'm back.  It is what it is, and whilst it hurt a great deal it's important that I keep plodding on.  It's scary, but I've realised just how great my family and friends have been in supporting me.

I face a long road alone now... and whilst that scares me it's important that I get used to my own company and learn to live without the friends I've come to rely on.  Obviously they will be there, but they all have their own lives and I need to shape mine be that on my own or with someone I may meet in the future.  I think for my sake I need to try and get used to the fact that I may not have the happy partner, wedding, the marriage, kids and house ... but it's important I make the most of what I have not what I don't.  I'm in my thirtees, I know who I am and what I want.  If people have a problem with it they can and will walk away... I won't be chasing after them.  If I can't find a companion and soulmate then so be it... but I'm determined to be happier than I feel now.  Alone or otherwise.

I went to a Tarot night on Friday.  My cards were brilliant... They showed my present - a big argument, losing a loved one, letting go. They showed security and success in my job with a possible further promotion at some point.  It warned me to steer clear of a person connected to work who is two faced.  I know who this was. It also told me there was a man coming into my life soon, it said I was going away shortly (to Belgium later this month) and that I needed to not hang on to the past anymore.  It all makes sense... and no matter what people's thoughts are on the topic, I felt like it was all very relevant.  I also spoke to a "psychic" man who asked me without any prompting what who the man with the dry hands was (this is N who had dermatitis!) and said that I was missing him. He also told me about a man with epaulettes, built frame who I should be wary of.  This matched up with my cards warning me about the person at work. It was all a bit of fun... not sure I was convinced by the psychic guy's talents although he did ask some questions and picked up that I made things in great detail (my sculpting) and that I recently had a problem with my cars brakes which was odd considering I'd never spoken to him before! He said he could picture me with a big car in the future and possibly with my own shop! :-D

I have a date tonight.  It's a bit of fun and I'm not expecting it to go anywhere but it'll get me back into the dating scene and get used to meeting new people again.  Who knows.

I have the Belgian GP also in a few weeks. I was meant to be going with N but I am now going with my dear Becko so it should still be a fun little adventure. 

I have a mini reunion next weekend with uni chums for the fabulous Mrs P's birthday. This will be bittersweet as it will be my first meeting with N since everything.  We won't have had any contact for nearly three weeks.  I'm not sure how I will feel, made tougher by the fact I will be the only single person there, but I just need to be strong and try and enjoy seeing friends who I don't get to see often, in a city I love, in our old haunts.

I have also booked tickets to the next BTCC event in Rockingham in early September so I have that to look forward to also! :)

I spent a good hour on Skype this morning with my neice, bro, sister in law and my folks who are over in Japan visiting.  She blew me bubbles and showed me her playdough desk and tools- she might be a budding little sculptor like me! She even blew me a kiss when I said goodbye... she is so precious and I can't wait to meet her again, hopefully in the next year or so.

I just need to keep smiling and remind myself often that everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Sunshine on a Rainy Day.

Yikes.

 

It's been two whole weeks since I last blogged.  I honestly do not know where the time goes these days... ! Quite frightening.

 

Last weekend was kicked off in style with cocktails and a pricey but beautiful meal at Fumo in Brum with H and her friend Carly.  It was a brilliant evening with flowing cocktails, giggles and chat finishing off at our old haunt the Station on the way home.  We followed this up with more drinks there on Saturday night and a quick trip to another local to see a friends band.  Unfortunately this coincided with a big boxing match so there was an interesting crowd there to say the least.  Still, it was nice to spend a bit of time with H, like the olden days!

 

During the week I did some shameless self promoting on twitter for my sculpting work which is just going from strength to strength! I have four commissions lined up for this month which is just brilliant albeit scary wondering how I'm going to fit them all in with a new job round the corner!

 

This weekend has been fantastic: This Friday night I went to Marco Pierre Whites for a beautiful meal and some rather tasty cocktails. The Grasshopper which I had as my dessert replacement was to die for! Saturday, I intended to start one of my commissions and amazingly ended up completing it in one day! I was dead chuffed with it and have posted it off today already so I'll be nervously waiting for my client's response by the end of the week to make sure it a) got there in one piece and b) that she is happy with it!

 

I had been looking forward to Sunday for some time but was up early packing layers and rainproof clothing for a day at the Motor Racing- this time travelling to Oulton Park for the BTCC.  It turned out that there was actually very little rain, and glorious sunshine save for a monster of a downpour in the late afternoon which saw one of the most eagerly anticipated races being postponed. Oulton being a very fan-friendly track, we were able to position ourselves in a good slot right near the finish line and with the sun shining again after the freak mini-storm we had I managed to get my best shot of the day... showing Sheddon's Honda Yuasa Racing car speeding along a wet track, yet beautiful blue skies and glowing clouds as a backdrop. 

 

It was a brilliant day, good company, good crowds and great weather at a brilliant circuit. The only downside being the obligatory sunburnt nose and neck due to me completely mis-judging the weather!

 

Hello Coward.

"Only a few people truly care. The rest are just curious."

Letter to Friend Z.

Wow.

What a total bitch you turned out to be.

I am mostly- unsurprised.

Unsurprised that a drama-seeking, attention-loving, desperate, weak and completely self-absorbed, walking victim like you has reacted to the news that- hey, you're a fuck up.

We all are. Thing is we all just deal with it. 

I've been there, selflessly, for you for years.  In the ten years I have known you to be all the things I've mentioned above, I looked past it for one reason- friendship. I stuck up for you, spend fuck knows how many hours listening to your never-ending problems; it's only been in the last couple of years as I've watched you continuously CHOOSE drama, anguish and problems over being strong, independent and stable that my patience has worn thin.  Mistakes I can forgive, but only once.  After that, they cease to be mistakes and become INFORMED CHOICES.  And still, even then, I have listened with failing words of "advice" and comfort... running out of patience, energy and words. Until this.  And now, to have it thrown back in my face without a second thought (why would you being inherently selfish?) and to be labelled as much of an evil force in your life as your cheating ex- is quite frankly, laughable.

I am unsurprised that you couldn't handle the criticism when you can't even handle a day at work where a child has cried. Big fucking deal. 

I am unsurprised that you got defensive because deep down you know there is some truth to my words.

I am unsurprised you lack the mental capacity to think of anything but yourself because that is what I have become accustomed to in a one sided friendship where I have become more of a counsellor.

I haven't lost anything.  I haven't lost a friend I could count on as you were frequently too busy to give a fuck about anyone just because you had to put in an 8 hour day every now and then.  I haven't lost someone who cares about the last 12 months of my own life.  I've "lost" someone who admitted to feeling glad when I split up with N because you had someone to share in your own misery.  What a fucked up little bubble of shit you live in. 

I feel a weight has lifted.  And now I hear you have been bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen. It's quite frankly pathetic but I understand why you're being as bitchy as you are.  Because you're not used to strong people telling you the truth.  I am stronger than you will ever be and as such I close the door behind your little strop and say "good riddance". 

I have lost nothing.

Enjoy wallowing in misery and drama for eternity; I no longer have time or energy for it and I no longer give a fuck about anyone who wouldn't do the same for me.

S

Wide Eyed.

Well there's a week I am glad to see the back of.  It was the David Cameron of weeks.

I could say that it was a week of losses.  But I'm not going to. 

A "close friend" who I have known since Uni has cut me out their lives for reasons I will go into in another post when I can be arsed to process it all.

Another idiot revealed their true selves also.  I welcome the clarity that these two very different situations have provided. As of last year, I declared not to give two fucks about anyone who doesn't do the same for me. And that's going to be the attitude I stick with throughout 2014. So for anyone else who wants to exit my life, I'll be holding the door wide open for you ready to close and lock it on your way out. I'm not even angry... I no longer have anything but apathy for people who leave and a grateful respect for the few honest, genuine friends who remain of greatest importance in my life.

The only true, real loss from this week has been the death of my Grandad's sister, my Auntie Thelma.  Naturally I'm most worried about the effect this might have on my Grandad, as the last remaining one of his family. It must be hard and with him being a big part of my life from a very young age, I can't imagine him any other way than happy. I will be going with him to the funeral on Friday.

Since last Monday, when all the shit kicked off with friend Z I haven't slept properly.  I think I've probably had a total of about five hours sleep over the last seven days.  Any modicum of sleep I have been getting has been full of very odd dreams and then awaking with a terrible headache which feels like someone has taken a lump hammer to my frontal lobe.  The two hours I got last night before I woke up with a start and had an immediate nosebleed was a welcome relief! I've got 6 closely rationed Zopiclone tablets for when I get incredibly desperate. Because of the insomnia, my appetite has gone out of whack, and because of my mucus filled lungs (which are showing no sign of recovery) I haven't been to the gym in over a week either.  Needless to say by Thursday night I was a mess, and winded up booking an emergency flexi day to recover and kick-start my week off work. 

I'm hoping the impending week off will replenish my depleted, weary mind and body as I feed it with good company, cinema, vitamins, gym and sculpture projects. I have lots planned, I just need to feed my body and soul with sleep, food and good music so I have the energy to do it all. 

The coming week will be my week of replenishment.  I can't bloody wait.

Christmas 2013

I think the below video best sums up my Christmas and New Year.

It's been fantastic: Some much MUCH needed time off work spent with friend and family, including my little neice, bro and sister in law on Skype. I've caught up with family I don't see much and got to spend time with the people I care about most. It's been just brilliant.



New Years eve was spent at the new flat with a small selection of friends.  Most importantly for me- Markuus and his partner Jo came over; and N also spent the evening with us so it was lovely to spend it with some of my favourite people. :-)

The only sad thing is that's it's all flown by so fast... I've barely had time to think up any resolutions and now this week I have suddenly found myself back at work in an almost zombie-like stupor trying to remember what my job is.

Resolutions coming up...

Christmas Eve Eve; 2013 Reflections

I'm sitting in my slippers, watching A Christmas Carol on TV.  It's Christmas Eve Eve and I finished work today for the rest of the week. 

It's normally this time of the year when I'm doing a review of the year and compiling some New Years Resolutions, but I'm feeling a distinct lack of energy to do either. Plus, I'm not sure summarising my year will be all that eventful this time!

However... now I think back...

Things I have lost: 

Some friends. Not in a physical sense, they're alive and well.  People change, people move on and some people you realise really aren't worth your time and energy. Those who mean a lot to me, remain, however. Even if I don't see them as much as I would like. Thank you for your continued friendship to Mrs P, Markuus, and my dear N who I will always love with all my heart.

Money- a lot has been thrown away on copious drinking, nights out and shoes... but all in all I have some memories of happy times such as motor racing with N and many a post-working-week-debriefing drinks down the local.

My twenties- A heart felt goodbye to my twenties; bittersweet as I lay to rest many fun and happy memories of my youth interspersed with the anxiety, insecurity, angst and heartache that goes along with it.

Things I have gained:

New friends. 
New flat. 
My independence back. 
Strength and Tone from my gym workouts.
Perspective.
A whole new decade ahead of me as I entered my thirties.
New gig experiences- Deftones, Bastille and the amazing Nine Inch Nails... memories of the latter I will treasure forever. Two more ticks off on my "Bands to See Before I Die" list. 

A review of my 2013 Resolutions:

Resolution 1: Be more active.
Achieved. I'm still going to the gym about twice a week and generally feeling better for it; although I certainly notice the difference when I don't go.

Resolution 2: Be less angry.
Semi- Achieved. I'm not sure this has happened... if it has it's more by the ever-so-slightly decreased invasion of the Government impacting on my job and colleagues. I think this year has been more stressful than angry so I'm saying this is semi-achieved.

Resolution 3: Laugh more.
Achieved. I have certainly laughed a lot this year.  I have a graffiti'd piggy bank on my desk at work which says "Just Keep Larfin" thanks to my colleague Daz who decorated it for me and says I say the word Laugh posh.  He's from the Black Country.

Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Semi- Achieved.  I've been to the cinema, seen films at home and been to gigs this year which have all been inspiring to me. However I need to get out more next year and see more places.  I've spend too much time in the office this year... I need inspiration from nature and new cities next year (money permitting).

Resolution 5: Be more creative.
Semi-Achieved. I failed to get my new tattoo thanks to money issues, however I have one planned for my birthday in 2014.  I've done more sculpture commissions this year and have two lined up for the beginning of next year.  To be continued. 

Resolution 6: Blog more.
Achieved. This has definitely been achieved.

Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Not achieved. Work in progress.  I think I know what I need to be happy- companionship.  At the moment I'm at a loss as to where to find this.


2014 Resolutions to be posted soon. 

Only When The Sun Shines.

Things I could do with right now:
- More time
- More days off work
- A holiday
- A hug
- A big winning lottery ticket
- Friends who are there for you ALL the time. Not just when it suits them.
- A sofa, mattress, TV... in fact, a flat full of furniture would be good!
- A self cleaning car.

Things I could do without right now:
- Work stress
- Confusing idiots
- Aching post-gym muscles
- People asking me for large quantities of money
- Fair weather friends who don't give a shit.

I've had FOUR days off work and although I've had a stack load to do, I've not really achieved what I wanted to.  I was hoping to complete a commission but I've struggled with it and am still only three fifths the way through! I really don't think I've made good use of my time, however I did catch up on some sleep.

I've seen a couple of films in the last few months too: Rush and Prisoners.  Both have been well worth the trip to the cinema and the latter posed some really interesting questions about morality, religion and the rights or wrongs of torture/punishment.  Well worth a watch.

I'm doing okay at the gym, though I'm putting in less time there than I want to or should due to other things going on.  I'm still enjoying it but am still missing my squat challenge.  I've been putting in a measly 60 a day but I need something more. 

The last two weeks have left me a bit numb; I think it's partly shock at the amount of stuff going on between now and Christmas, oh and the fact it IS Christmas in a few months!!! In addition to work stress, other people stress, I now have the lovely stress of money too, and I'm beginning to wonder what will be the straw that breaks the camels back.  Just got to hold it together.  One good thing, is that I have a good friend back in my life- B.  I've stayed in touch with her since school and in many ways we're very similar which makes it easy to support one another.  She's the sort of friend that will stick by me through thick and thin, and it makes me happy that amongst the uncertainty and stress I can count on her support. 

Wedding Weekend.

Three days off have absolutely FLOWN by.  So fast in fact, that I can barely even remember what I did on Friday- probably because I spent most of the morning catching up on sleep!

On Saturday N and I set off to our old stomping ground Loughborough where we met up with The P's, Arf and Sam before setting off to Nottingham for the wedding of another fellow uni-chum.  It's nice to be involved in such a happy occasion especially when it involves a mini reunion with the old Uni crew. 

A good time was had by all despite the DJ leaving a lot to be desired, even in the cheesey-wedding-music stakes.  However, thanks to some expertly chosen requests and some dubious dancing in my lovely blue Karen Millen dress the night was a good one.

Unfortunately due to our age all we could manage to achieve the following day was snoozing on sofa's watching motor racing and drinking cups of tea although we managed to venture out to the Harvester for some grub a bit later on.  The weather was shocking too so we probably chose the best activities for such a wet, cold and miserable day.

The journey back was just as stagnant, getting stuck in a traffic jam due to what was probably one of the most horrific looking car accidents I've seen on a motorway.  A journey which usually takes 40 minutes, took two hours as we were sat on the M42 playing eye spy for about 45 minutes. 

And that was that! The end of a super fast three day weekend! What's next... ?

Another Busy Weekend...

It's been a very busy couple of weeks at work.  Things are building up again and my days can be long and draining.  Booking leave is getting tricky lately too, I've had some refused recently and had to get my Inspector to intervene and let me use up all the hours that I work over my contracted time.  When I do get a day off, I make plans to meet people I haven't seen in a while or cheer up lunches for people having a much worse time than myself so even my days away from work fly be without me noticing. I'm even struggling to fit the gym in recently. 

I get tired.  I could do with a lazy weekend watching films and slobbing out in PJ's for a while.  But alas, my next few weekends are all booked up and I somehow have to fit in a new cake topper commission into all this.  Fortunately I think the bank holiday weekend is going to have to be allocated to some serious sculpting time.

This weekend, I've been on a mini road trip up to the mysterious and strange lands of The North.  My friend L from Uni was celebrating her 30th birthday so N, Markuus and another uni chum Adam travelled up to sunny Hull to celebrate with her.  Aside from my taxi rage ( having to wait nearly two hours for a taxi is NOT, I repeat NOT, good for Slinks stress levels) it was good to have a good catch up with friends over a LOT of cocktails. 

My traditional weekly Friday work-de-brief drinks with H will be instigated again this week after a two week hiatus.  However, we're having to divert from our local due to an unwelcome invasion so we're heading a bit further north for our night out.  Gutted, as it's my local pub and it's become a regular feature of my post-working-week drinks over the last few years, but hey ho, I'm not going to let a particular nasty individual affect my night.  I shall party on elsewhere.  :-)

Time is steadily ticking by and it will be TWO weeks on Wednesday until I'll be flying over to Ireland to see Nine Inch Nails.  Oh my god.  My heart skips a beat every time I think about it.  I simply cannot wait and am counting down the days.  It's going to be so immense. 

Exclusive: Slink Captured on Film in Natural Habitat.

The awesome KTP has put together a fab little video of my birthday celebrations at my favourite rock club, Eddies, back in March.  It just makes me smile and I wanted to share it here too:

I can't stop grinning after watching it.  I love that there is a cluster of songs that will ALWAYS always be etched on my soul and bind me with some absolutely amazing friends and some equally amazing times at Uni.  Despite these moments getting further and further into the past, the effect these songs has on each one of us will always spark memories of happy times.  I love it.  It's priceless.  :-)

I'm still waiting to be given the all clear so I can return to work.  I have an appointment tomorrow where I'm hoping to be booked back fit. If not, I'll have to wait until my sick note runs out on Friday.  I just want to get back to the normal drudgery of work now, I miss it!

The Eraser.

Slate wiped clean.

A clear out is always good for the soul. 

I'm sentimental- and as such I hang on to little things that mean a lot to me.  I had a clear out of messages, little images and drawings from people who are no longer in my life.  The last few months have taught me a lot about who are friends and who are mere acquantainces.  I no longer need attachments to acquantainces, particularly those who so easily forget me and don't even so much as send a card for my 30th.  I hang on to too many things, both good and bad.  My phone was full of photos, little drawings and things that once made me smile- yet they meant less to the sender than they did to me, and there's little point hanging on to those things when the sender is long gone. 

I feel better for it.  I feel stronger.  Knowledge, even the harshest lessons, are always worthwhile. 

I'm ready and smiling again.

What A Week.

What a week.  Allow me to recap:

On Wednesday I had my third meal out with three work colleagues, one of whom was also celebrating a birthday this week.  We started out at Bar Epernay in the Mailbox, moving on to Cote Brasserie for a lovely meal.  We drank fizzy wine drinks and chatted away, then after our meal we went up to Marco Pierre Whites for champagne cocktails.  It's a lovely place to go at night as it's located on top of a building called The Cube, where you are surrounded by full length glass windows and able to admire all the twinkly lights of Birmingham City.  It's probably a much nicer view at night than during the day, where sunlight will reveal the greyness of the city and surrounding roads. Following this, we opted for a quick stop at Malmaison for a final drink before getting the last train home. 

On Thursday I popped back into Brum to attempt to find an outfit for Saturday night.  I had ZERO luck and was starting to panic considerably at having nothing to wear.  I got back in time for a few quick drinks with my friend Hannah at our favourite local Sutton pub.

Friday saw a final, now desperate, attempt at outfit shopping in nearby Tamworth- again with no such luck.  Though  I did manage to find a nice shirt/top to wear for the evening which I was really looking forward to: A meal at Jamie's Italian, followed by a trip to The Electric Cinema to see Danny Boyle's new film Trance.  Jamie's Italian was a nice dining experience- with a nice relaxed atmosphere inside- not too stuffy or pretentious.  I had bread and oil to start along with some cured meats and fresh baby mozzarella, followed by a beautiful crab risotto and side salad. It was delicious- but as most risotto's are, it was very filling and I couldn't manage a dessert too.  Gutted, as this is usually the best part of any meal! I would opt for the introduction of a dessert starter so I can get the best of both worlds! 
The cinema is the UK's oldest working cinema and has a truly nostalgic feel complete with old style tickets.  I had booked a sofa, called Keaton, which came with  a text waiter service.  It was lovely to be able to watch  a film from the comfort of a sofa.  The whole cinema felt homely and familiar, warm and friendly with it's deep red walls and cosy sofa's.  It is a MUST if you're in Birmingham and there's a decent film showing you want to catch. 

And so to Saturday, the morning of which I spent trying on clothes for my night out.  I had booked a small side room in Bacchus in Birmingham for my pre-club drinks to celebrate my birthday.  Getting there early to order food, my family and I were closely joined by colleagues and most of my closest friends.  We whiled away a few hours here, laughing and drinking, with a few compliments on my chosen outfit on the way. :-)  It was lovely having everyone I cared about in one room, and whilst I was disappointed with a few cancellations and no-shows, it became clear that the people who really mattered to me were all in one room.  It was heart warming.  At about 11pm a few people peeled off to go home or to other venues, while a small hardcore crowd of us headed to my favourite rock club in Brum.  It was heaving when we arrived- good to see it so busy as the last few times we've been, albeit a few months ago, it's been fairly quiet.  The dance floor was packed for most of the night, with some perfect song choices for our Uni Rock night reunion.  It was such  a good night.  The club was still in full swing when we left at about 3.15am, they were obviously staying open an hour later than usual due to the clocks going forward.  We sleepily arrived home between 4.30 and 5 am at our prospective homes and lodgings. 

This brings me onto today which has been spent feeling incredibly sleepy and nursing our sore dancing feet. I noticed a small spikey-shoe-related injury to my left foot where I've obviously spiked myself at some point.  Despite our wrecked bodies, we opted for a bracing walk into Lichfield for a mid-afternoon coffee or hot chocolate, before heading home to say our goodbyes.  

It's been a truly awesome week off work, much-needed and welcomed.  I've been spoiled, treated and blessed with some wonderful nights out with truly awesome people.  I have one more day off tomorrow before I return back to the daily grind.  Tomorrow I'll be off to Nottingham to see family and relax a bit before the working week begins again.  I'm sad it's all over to be honest- but at least I really made the most of it.  And my bank balance proves it. :-)

Boreas.

Your silence replaces empty words.
Your honesty hangs in doubt.
Your laughter and kind heartedness I can now do fine without.

Your claims all now unfounded,
unjustified and lost.
Your integrity, hung out in cold air, a covering of frost.

Your etchings in my memory
I've tried to scratch away.
Your friendship in the distance, blurred and edges frayed.

Your message clear, caustic yet cold.
Your warmth now shards of ice.
A cut, A lie, A shrug. You're gone.
A goodbye would have been nice.









L is for... Lie.

My Pensieve.

Forgive me a momentary lapse.

I need to get a few things out and this is MY blog.  I was wary of posting about this, but I don't think I have need to anymore. It will make no sense to anyone but me.

I'm annoyed about a couple of things. People in fact. How did you guess?!

An Apology.

I feel a lot of the time that it's two steps forward and one step back.  I wrote very briefly about being hurt by someone last year.  It took a lot of effort to move past that; to really accept that a person can be so hugely different to how you first perceived.  I attempted on a couple of occasions to reconcile with this person in an effort to keep their friendship in my life- however it came back to bite me and I just wound up even more hurt.  I resigned myself to the thought that this person's hatred and spite was deep set, and no matter how unfair and unjust- I couldn't change their feelings.  I cut them off knowing I would never receive an apology nor any explanation of their cruel actions.  After a few lame attempts at getting in touch with me, which I ignored, a chance encounter with this person prompted a long overdue apology, albeit by text.  It's about all their tiny mind and it's equally miniscule emotional intelligence could muster I suppose.

This puts me in a quandry because immediately all the weight I had carried dispersed.  I will never get an explanation, but their apology made a difference, though I will always doubt it's validity.  It's a degree of closure from a particularly bitter element of last year and I feel I can finally put it behind me.  However, I feel like I'm betraying myself.  I felt so strongly about this person, so hurt and it took a lot of effort and energy to turn that hurt into enough dislike to cut them out... and it just went, in an instant, when they apologised.  This is a good thing, I'm sure... for me, and I'm glad that it's lifted a burden, however the hate I had been holding also protected me and now I'm without it, it feels strange.  I also get irritated by the thought that this pathetic apology gave THEM some sort of closure and that my absorption of this apology has somehow forgiven them.  This is not something they deserve, however I guess I need to be selfish and take the positives for myself, ignoring any impact it may have on them. I'll try.  Their punishment I guess, though I hate to say it because I inherently don't truly believe it, is that they lost my friendship and the chance to have me in their life.  I somehow have to convince myself that this is of detrement to them. Somehow.

Safety.

Someone gave me some good advice once.
"Learn to hate" they said. 
Silly, I thought at the time, because I frequently get described as a very angry person- or passionate if it's deemed as a compliment.  Sometimes I feel I have far far too much hate in me.  This same person, emphasized that I feel things strongly- all emotions, on a greater scale.  This was no news to me, however the news that other people didn't feel to the same depth is a relevalation I will always struggle with.  I find such people alien.  I find it frustrating that my emotions are rarely shared and I often feel that I give more than I receive; always in debt somehow.  But this is not something I can change, and I'm not entirely sure I want to. How I feel, makes me who I am. Good and bad. Anyway I digress. 
I was told to "learn to hate" someone who hurt me.  To protect me.  A barrier.  It worked.  And now I find I am having to do that once again.  Hate is a strong a word, but I'm having to put up the barriers, let it all go and surround myself with invisible barbed wire.  I guess that's why they say there's a fine line between love and hate- the propensity to get hurt is always greater, emotions are heightened.

I know I am pushing another friendship away... but this is what we have to do sometimes right? To not be hurt.  And it makes me angry ( I know, something I should be avoiding this year).  It makes me angry that the reasons I'm doing this are even more evident now; each day is further confirmation of why this is painfully necessary.  It makes me angry that this person has no concept of my hurt. It makes me angry that I've lost another friendship.  It makes me angry that someone I cared for, I now feel I don't know.  It makes me angry that they've let this happen.  It makes me angry that it's all gone because it's what they wanted. And it's making me question myself -doubt myself, question my personality, what I keep doing wrong, why I keep making the same mistakes- which again is making me anxious.  Likewise I am now questioning them- Did they lie? It feels like they did. It feels like the whole thing was a lie now. Did I get someone else wrong? Again!? Do they car? It would appear not. I will never know. It's easier not to.  Gut feeling vs assumptions vs words.  Words are easy to say.  Actions speak louder.

The less I think about it all the better.  This is one of those times where sticking your head in the sand is necessary, because eventually it WILL all go away and I won't care about any of it. That's what I need- to not care.

Everything works out better for people who just don't care.

One.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey


And at least now I know those who are worth it, and those that aren't. :-)

Nice guys really do finish last.

" Beware of Bull Sharks; They float in shallow waters.  Beware of Bullshit; it floats in shallow people".

 

One of the things about my place of work is that I can't get used to the culture or the people politics.  The work force I have found myself in is one full of egotists, compulsive liars, superficial, nasty, shallow, two faced ass holes.  The sad thing is, I'm starting to realise that this is exactly how you have to be to get ahead, to get by and possibly to be happy. 

 

I always thought of myself as a good judge of character, trusting my gut instinct with people; however as I've got older I don't always get a gut reaction to base anything on.  This is throwing me off track and now I'm slowly finding myself in a situation where I don't want to really trust anyone.  That's not a healthy place to be.  I'm unsure if this is unique to my line of work- I highly suspect it isn't, but the scary truth lurking in the background is - This might be what it's like to be an adult. 

 

It's a minefield. 

 

I have trusted too many people this year.  I have been too open, too willing to expect good in people.  I have been repaid with hurt, heartache, betrayal, lies and an overwhelming sense of being unable to tell the difference between friend and foe.  It makes me hesitant to trust people, even those my gut says I should.  I don't want to be this way.  Not at all.  However, as a headstrong, opinionated individual I find it frustrating that I frequently get made out to be an intolerant bitch for being passionate and voicing a strong opinion when actually, there are people out there who on a daily basis are far more worthy of derogatory name calling than I.  I am honest.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But I am true both to myself and others.  It would appear this is not the way to be and that screwing on your friends, using people, lying and having as many faces as a rubix cube, is widely accepted behaviour.

 

I have never seen myself as a doormat but this year I've felt like one a number of times.  Do I really have to be colder, nastier, less open, less trusting in the future to avoid getting hurt and feel happier?

 

Letters.

 

You two.  You two are made for each other.  Both spineless, shameless liars, hypocrites and game players.  Both shallow, and blindingly superficial.  I shan't sink to your level and falsely wish you happiness.  I genuinely don't.  I hope your egotism and vanity consumes any trace of the young, happy desire you currently feel leading you to a power struggle just as ugly and destructive as you are.  Keep playing your pathetic games and may you both get lost in your stagnant, fake worlds of smoke and mirrors.

 

 

 

You. You let me believe in you when you knew I shouldn't.  You are pathetic, ugly to the core, bitter, hateful, and a master of manipulation; A compulsive liar, a hypocrite, shallow and ultimately spineless; full of nothing but utter bullshit. You will always remain the nastiest person I have ever met.    

 

 

 

And you.  You have lacked strength.  You have many qualities but you show weakness when it ought to have mattered most.  Where were your poignant words when my integrity was brought into question?  Your loyalty wanes like your lust and love does.  I doubt the strength and validity of your feelings and therefore I doubt your self awareness and understanding of emotion.  Your fear of emotion is sad.  Your willingness to lose me- honest and blatant.  Your lack of actions speaks volumes.  THIS I trust more than your words now. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflections on 2012 pt 3: L is for...

I made a new friend in 2012.  He is called- L.

He has been the best thing about this year and will remain to be a special part of my life for years to come I hope. 

I met L at work in Sutton Coldfield.  I had commented many a time to colleagues of this polite Policeman who would email me for uniform orders- his good manners standing out like a little ray of sunshine in a job that can sometimes come with little thanks.  I think I had probably met him once or twice during the admin side of my initial induction at Sutton, however it's only when he was working down the corridoor from me that I really got to know him.  My office had a fair bit of banter with their office and over many practical jokes, after-work pub drinks and blu-tak figurines- we got to know each other, and I instantly knew I'd found a friend.

My instinct told me very early on that I would get on very well with L.  He is open, warm, friendly, generous and forgiving.  He has a genuine, kind heart and his support, patience and affection were my crutches during a difficult an emotional time in my life this year.  I have confided in him, cried to him, shared hugs and many laughs and although I've not even known him a year, I would feel lost without him in my life. 

He likes words- I like pictures. He calls me Sarahphim. He calls me bossy and says I have a temperament like the Incredible She-Hulk.  He knows I can be grumpy, that I'm opinionated, challenging and headstrong, our views differ on many things, yet he's made me feel respected, loved, nurtured and less alone, at a time when I felt anything but. 

I know in L, I have found a true friendship that I never ever want to lose. 

To my best friend L, I love you more than you know and I thank you.