The Narcissist

Last year I met a guy.  We will call him B.  He is a Narcissist.

Now when I say this, I'm not saying it lightly or in jest.  I actually, GENUINELY mean he is one. I've used this to describe just generally self-serving assholes before... but this guy is on a whole other level.

I have rarely, if ever actually, met someone who is actually the stereotype, text book being of a psychological profile, but my god, he is one. 

He has just about every trait. For a long time he made absolutely no sense to me, but after a long time of careful observation and some careful handling, he is the very epitome of narcissism.  His behaviours, words, language... all of it, oozes narcissism.  This goes beyond vanity, far deeper rooted and I can even pick this up from how he talks about his mother.  He takes no responsibility, he is superficial but has massive insecurities.  He papers up the gaping cracks in his life with empty ambition and this ridiculous notion that he is some sort of hero but underneath he is a weak, lost little boy begging to be accepted.  He is vague, plays cards close to his chest (his words) and NEVER actually states what he wants so that he can keep many people (mainly women) on tenterhooks and guessing as to what he's thinking.  Now I've seen it for what it is, I'm no longer frustrated by this person's actions and I'm no longer confused as to where I stand; I was a pawn.  He still describes me as a friend, but I feel my purpose fading as he realises the control is gone and he's no longer able to manipulate... though I let him think he does sometimes because I find it somewhat fascinating.  It's like having a walking, talking case study in psychology. 

I was doing some reading up on Narcissists and there is literally no way of breaking down the strange, delusional worlds they build for themselves.  There is however, a degree of transcendence for me in understanding how B works and knowing that he is caught in a never ending cycle of frustration and disappointment; far below the high standards and delusional success he claims he has and wants. He will never break this, and probably never achieve happiness, although apparently Narcissism lessens with age so now he is nearing 40 he may gradually naturally decrease his ingrained narcissistic behaviours. I actually take some pride in being able to observe such a perfect psychological profile, so close up, without being at all emotionally affected by their behaviour, keeping them at arms length and being able to almost play him at his own game. 

Fascinating.

Irritation.

We all know them. Those occasional, thankfully infrequent liaisons with people who put simply, irritate the fuck out of you.

I've met one.

There are people who I like, and hit it off with immediately. There are people who I know I'll not get on with; and those who I neither care about either way. There are have even been people who take an immediate dislike to me and more often than not I can't care less about them. However, every now and then, you meet one who just really, really, completely irritates the HELL out of you.

I repeat... I've met one.

This person, I will call Y. I have rarely come across someone who has irritated me quite as much as this person does; and it's been right from the SECOND she first opened her mouth. I can't even explain most of it. It's just a totally irrational, entirely unpleasant personification of nails on a chalk board.  I have a few issues with the way this person behaves, talks... and after this week breathes. 

I first experienced this person on the telephone when she phoned the wrong department to enquire about the job vacancy.  After me repeating about five times that she'd come through to the wrong department, after fifteen minutes she took a breath and enabled me to actually transfer her to my friend Dave, who is now her mentor.  My second encounter with her just brought back awful flashbacks of the phonecall; heightened by her smug little face as she twittered on about how she now had a three minute drive to work... to MY preferred job location, while I'd been given an hours commute because I haven't popped out children.  My contact with her has been limited, thankfully, as I then found out this shrill, being is paid about 5k more than everyone else to do the same job.  This has added to my annoyance. 

I now find myself on WEEK LONG training course with Y.  It's Tuesday... and I'm already finding myself digging my nails into the side of my seat on the NUMEROUS occasions she feels it necessary to open her gob and tell another long winded, excruciatingly, mundane story about things the WHOLE room already knows and experiences on a daily basis.  

This person should be a primary school teacher.  She talks like one.  To everyone;  And in a Black country, sing song, nursery rhyme accent that makes me want to smash up the room in some vain effort to get her to just PLEASE. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.  I genuinely don't think that would work.  I could smash every single chair through every single window and turn around to still find her twittering away. 

I can't help the eye rolling, the jaw clenching, the whole body tensing and slow intake of breath every time she speaks.  She speaks... TOO MUCH... and FAR FAR too often.  I'm not the only one to notice either.  I am often told I am too expressive; that is that I can't hide my emotions.  They're usually written all over my face and I have limited control over this.  Today she challenged something I was saying and she basically provoked me into challenging her back and making her look like a total knob in front of the whole course.  I had too.  For the sake of my own sanity I had to correct her, if only just to shut her the fuck up. 

I somehow have to get through another three days of this.  Frighteningly the course involves group work and I live in fear of being told I have to work with her.  I fear my head will actually explode if I have to endure that hellish prospect.

I'm not a nasty person.  I'm not.  However I am sensitive, and therefore easily irritated as you may have discovered from my posts about Misophonia last year. This woman, is the human equivalent of that never ceasing nose whistle, the all-night snore, the endless, slushy, chomp chomp chomp of food between salivating teeth and jaws. 

Friday can NOT come soon enough....

Narcissus.

Ah sweet sweet justice.

There is something uncompromisingly ugly about anyone who's vanity overspills into narcissism.  I see this most often in men who spend so much time shaping and sculpting their bodies in the gym whilst forgetting entirely to shape their character; their individualism and their morals remaining pathetically empty and superficially soul-less.

Paradoxically narcissists spend the majority of their lives in a state of total self absorption yet remain entirely lacking in self awareness.  This is clearly because the process of becoming self aware not only requires a critical reflection of the self but also requires a deeper understanding of emotions, empathy and of interaction with other human beings;  The antithesis of narcissism.  A beautiful, spiralling irony.

" People's actions will tell you everything you need to know. "

Always.

Wedding Weekend.

Three days off have absolutely FLOWN by.  So fast in fact, that I can barely even remember what I did on Friday- probably because I spent most of the morning catching up on sleep!

On Saturday N and I set off to our old stomping ground Loughborough where we met up with The P's, Arf and Sam before setting off to Nottingham for the wedding of another fellow uni-chum.  It's nice to be involved in such a happy occasion especially when it involves a mini reunion with the old Uni crew. 

A good time was had by all despite the DJ leaving a lot to be desired, even in the cheesey-wedding-music stakes.  However, thanks to some expertly chosen requests and some dubious dancing in my lovely blue Karen Millen dress the night was a good one.

Unfortunately due to our age all we could manage to achieve the following day was snoozing on sofa's watching motor racing and drinking cups of tea although we managed to venture out to the Harvester for some grub a bit later on.  The weather was shocking too so we probably chose the best activities for such a wet, cold and miserable day.

The journey back was just as stagnant, getting stuck in a traffic jam due to what was probably one of the most horrific looking car accidents I've seen on a motorway.  A journey which usually takes 40 minutes, took two hours as we were sat on the M42 playing eye spy for about 45 minutes. 

And that was that! The end of a super fast three day weekend! What's next... ?

Dear Asshole,

Thanks for finally revealing your true nature.

In particular, I love how you've consistently tried to hide the fact that you're:

- weak
- superficial
- dishonest
- completely incapable of any empathy
- self centred
- narrow minded
- uncaring
- shallow
- callous
- cowardly
- disloyal
- pathetically vain
- slutty
- egotistical
- illogical
- unbelievably selfish
- incapable of understanding/coping with/conveying emotions
- defensive
- attention seeking
- spineless
- arrogant
- fearful
- a carbon copy of the other meaningless twat you were so desperate to be different to, yet surpass his crap-ness by not even having the self awareness he did to admit you're a total dick and apologise for it. Hilarious.

You fail on every level at meeting my expectations of what makes a man.

Your weakness makes me stronger and I celebrate you reminding me just how much better I deserve. 

Fuck you, and enjoy your half life of avoidance and ineptitude. 

S
x

LADS: Lets be Less.

There's a guy I come into contact with regularly who is possibly the biggest Tri-Hard I know.

He's married and a father, perhaps not the brightest tool in the box but works hard to make a living for his family.  He appears to model himself on a mixture of Homer Simpson and your typical "LAD".   Here's a few examples:

- His facebook is littered with Laddish, semi-sexist meme's that he's found online.
- He shares images from groups with intellectual titles like "I just keep clicking until I see some boobs" and "Rack/Bum of the Day".
- His idol is James Bond.
- He prides himself on getting his wife stereotypically "thoughtful" gifts like a grill and a micro pedi for her birthday.
- Anything appealing to the humour of a 12 year old boy would also appeal to him.
- He frequently makes Jim Davidson style innuendo jokes.
- He makes self depreciating comments about himself like "I did one push up last night and my arms are killing me!"

This is a guy in his thirties.  I would expect all the above to apply to a 12 year old, maybe a simple student, but he's in his thirties.  And he's actually bred children which is a concern.  
Now, this guy is harmless.  Dull, but harmless.  But nevertheless he is actively, desperately almost, trying to live up to a set and quite frankly awful stereotype.  This is a concept completely alien to me.  Don't get me wrong, this man doesn't offend me, neither do I think he's a bad person- I just find his complete lack of originality and lack of identity, sadly pathetic.  He has a complete lack of self- nearly everything he says or does comes from somewhere else.  I hear him saying things which I know he's already shared on facebook a few days earlier... I hear him making jokes or telling stories with exactly the same "bloke" undertones as the day before and it's just rather tiresome.

And it's not uncommon.  We all grew up with a sense of wanting to belong.  We're tribal creatures; social creatures with common interests and hobbies which bring us together or divide us.  I get this.  I wasn't the most popular kid at school, never part of a huge crowd, but I had a small group of like minded friends and I failed to see how others wanted to be part of the "in" crowd just for the sake of it, rather than actually liking the people in the crowd.  Lets be honest, the "in" crowd is always full of absolute losers who are mainly shallow and not particularly nice people who I had ZERO in common with.  Why, why WHY would I EVER want to be accepted by them??! I had this mentality at the age of 12 and it caused me some isolation, some bullying but my god I wouldn't change it, it's made me the free-thinking person I am.

I know other men, or should I say boys, who become ensconced in this pathetic "LAD" culture of getting pissed, being sexist and fucking around, reducing women to their body parts etc.  I've seen fairly intelligent guys who disappointingly buy into this boy-dom, who lose the ability to think for themselves and then in turn become accustomed to being sexist, unattractive and frankly pathetic puppet consumers of archaic, sexist attitudes and cultures. 

And quite often, it takes a woman to challenge them and break the cycle, rather than it being a well informed, conscious decision to just strap on a pair and grow the hell up.  Alternatively, when these men become parents, more so to daughters, they then also see a step change, however some do not, and continue to pass down their stereotype to their sons and daughters.  And whilst touching on this area: I cannot stand the hypocrisy of some fathers who take on this over bearing, over-protective father role.  The worst offenders being those who are effectively protecting their daughters from men LIKE THEMSELVES and therefore openly admitting that most men are pathetic shitbags. Yet don't get called sexist. Odd.  

Why there aren't many men who come to their own conclusion that both men AND women deserve more than this, is beyond me.  I know many men.  I don't dislike men; I have a great many male friends, some very close male friends and indeed, my best friend is male.  But I  will remain cynical until more come forward, step up and reclaim being a MAN as being a decent, good, honest person who despite having a weakness for boobs, don't feel the need to denigrate women, reduce them to their body parts, and don't see the point in being part of a damaging and frankly pathetic culture of being LESS than they are capable of.  This is expressed far more eloquently in the below quote which is one of my all time favourites:

Males these days have suffered something of an identity crisis and I can't quite work out if this is a result of the advances women have made in asking for more, in expecting more, and demanding they are treated better because we ARE better than what we were being portrayed to be.  However, men seem to have retreated in the opposite direction and instead of wanting to be MORE than their stereotype (Homer Simspon- useless- fumbling- follow-his-friends- and-cheer-at-boobs) they've positively encouraged it.  They don't even want to be called MEN anymore, preferring lesser terms like Bloke and Lad. Possibly because there is confusion as to what a Man is these days.  Here's a thought- how about just trying to be a good HUMAN: accepting, honest, caring and respectful.

And it's not just guys. Some women are just as capable of this ridiculous act.  I know plenty of women who WANT to be less than they are and actually play up to a stereotype- dumbing down, not venturing any opinion, or possibly not having any for fear of it not being the "right" one; acting stupid, having to copy a certain look.  It's just ridiculous. And I don't get it.  Can't get it.  If you're yourself, you'll attract the right people to you.  I'm a right stroppy, opinionated cow and I have some AWESOME friends.

I fail to see how anyone would want to strive to be less than they are.  Perhaps it's reached a stage where I expect men to be sheep, and maybe I (wrongly) expect more from women since women have fought for us to be accepted as more than our stereotypes.  In the last Century women have pushed to be MORE.  There have been no such movements for Men.  Because men appear less bothered at being seen as less than they are, positively embracing their shoddy stereotypes in places.  They seek acceptance from their friends, defining themselves as the same rather than trying to be different, even when they hold a different opinion.  Sheep. Boring as hell, Sheep. Sorry Sheep.

I lose respect for any person (Man or Woman for that matter but for the purposes of this paragraph I will say "he") who claims he has the capacity to think intelligently and debate intelligently but who fails to see the problems he contributes to by being part of a pathetic, archaic, sheep style culture of sexist stereotyping and embraces being a Lad.  A Boy. 

I'm proud to be different. Opinionated, hot headed, controversial at times, and to my detriment occasionally- but only because I believe in things and I'm not afraid to voice them.  I am true to my being and my beliefs. I may not be pretty and cute and wife material.  But I'm me. And that's one thing I love about myself.