Expecting...

I have returned. After three years where a lot in my life has changed.  I return from a new home, as a married woman and an expectant mother.

I return mainly because I've suddenly got an awful lot to say which other people either don't really want to hear about or don't really understand.

So this pregnancy thing... it's pretty shit.  No one tells you that.  It's all glowing and smiles and nice little belly bumps in the media... but it's all bullshit. Let me explain why:

1.  Morning sickness - it isn't morning sickness.  It's all day, all night, 24/7 vomiting, gagging, dry heaving or generally just using every bit of energy in your body not being sick.

2. EVERYTHING makes you feel tired. EVERYTHING.

3.  After weeks of vomiting and nausea you start to feel better to find you've caught the normal office cold - however because you're growing a person MEDICATIONS are a no-no so you literally have to SUFFER.  Coughing, spluttering, congested and a big snotty mess but it doesn't matter because you're still meant to be happy about having a child.

4.  I can now not fit into any of my clothes.  However maternity clothes are really only for mahoosive belly's therefore here comes weeks of baggy clothes that make me feel even more grotty than I probably currently look.

5.  Being a naturally slim person, and with most people knowing about the growing person inside me - I am now subject to people staring at my growing bulge and making comments about "that belly".  Yeah thanks for pointing that out - I hadn't noticed!! Twats.

6.  Food- so irritatingly, you can barely eat anything. Not just because everything makes you want to puke, but because EVERYTHING might kill the baby - including mayo.  I mean Mayo? Have you TRIED trying to buy a decent sandwich that DOESN'T contain mayo????? But wait.... you can have mayo if it's pastuerised egg... so cue numerous confused and irritating catering staff when you have to start asking if their eggs are lion-stamped or their mayo is made from pasteurised egg.  I warn you now - most of them will not have a bleeding clue and just make you feel like a psycho. 
Aside this you're supposed to be eating healthily because, you know, the baby needs it... but all you can physically MANAGE to eat is hula hoops.  Oh yeah and don't forget to take these mahoozive horse-pill sized vitamins even though you can't even swallow your own saliva without being sick.

7.  I haven't pooped in a week.

8.  As if all of that isn't bad enough - all my skin is falling off.  My face is literally malting away because the child seems to be taking not only all my energy, nutrients and hormones but apparantly all my moisture too.  He/She is swimming about in there having a ball with super soft skin... while my own skin literally falls off me. 

So yeah I'm learning that growing a person really is about breaking down everything in your own body, sacrificing it all - your shape, diet, health for the sake of the new little body growing inside.  And the worst thing of all of it?? Is that as a woman you feel completely UNABLE to complain about it.  Because you're meant to be grateful for this amazing gift and all that shit.  Y'know what I am not at all taking for granted that my body is able to create a person and I am not at all suggesting that I am not grateful for being ABLE to create a child... but I sure as hell am not gonna feel like I cannot complain about the relentless hell that it is being pregnant.  Just because I'm a woman and this is what I am "meant to do" and all that shit does NOT make this a pleasant experience.  On the contrary, so far it's been awful.  I can still be very grateful and very VERY fed up at the same time. 

And I can't even have a freakin' Jack and coke.

GOO.

After the countdown to my Tokyo trip started in earnest yesterday, by 3.30am I hit upon my first hitch.  I seem to have contracted conjunctivitis.   Shit.  A colleague at work has had it and against better advice attended work on Monday.  Two days later, I have it.  Trouble is, my colleague has a particularly nasty case and has had it for two weeks now.  I have 6 days til a longhaul flight. Already I'm panicking.  An internet search informed me, that some airlines reserve the right to refuse passengers with contagious diseases such as flu and conjunctivitis.  SHIT.

 

So first thing this morning I phoned the doctors to get an appointment and beg for antibiotic drops in the hope that they will help it to heal up in just 6 days time. 

 

I've cleaned my whole desk, phones and office-pens in the office with antibacterial wipes and have two hand sanitisers on my desk also.  However, by lunchtime I could barely see and I got sent home looking like Quasimodo.

 

My friend tried to cheer me up by saying I had Rainbow Tears which was a rather beautifully romantic and naively inaccurate way of saying that my tears are no longer watery, clear but thick green glue.  Imagine someone mixing sand in with superglue and rubbing it in your eye and that comes close to how this feels... oh and then send you wandering around outside looking like THIS....

 

 

... and being unable to wear any makeup which I haven't done since I was about 13.  Leaving the house without makeup is one of my fears. :(

 

I just really REALLY need this to go asap.  Even if I get let on the plane, I don't particularly want to endure a 17 hour flight with air conditioning exaggerating an already extremely uncomfortable condition.  I don't especially want to be attempting to put drops in on board.  And I don't particularly want to spend the first week of my trip not being able to see anything and kept away from my neice.  :(  I honestly just cannot believe this has happened... I've never even HAD this flippin' thing before and I had no idea just how horrible it was.

 

If ever any advertising types out there want a perfect way to advertise conjunctivitis products, I would say reach for the obvious choice; which just about summarises and epitomises just how this infection feels....

.... The Eye of Sauron.

 

 

 

Please.  PLEASE conjunctivitis.... PLEASE leave soon.  YOU SHALL NOT PASS! 

The Sickness.

So, I can finally swallow without having to physically build up to dealing with the pain! Woohoo! My tonsillitis is finally on the way out! ... which consequently means I am back to work tomorrow.  Well, for two days at least, and those two days are spent on two training courses so it's not too taxing. 

Last week was full of headaches (which seem to also be easing although the odd twinge remains and I'm relying less on ibuprofen and Panadol); swollen glands; razorblade throats and white tonsils... but it's also been tinged with a bit of maternal stress.

My beautiful leopard gecko Gizmo has stopped eating.  She's had NO food for well over three weeks now and has lost weight. I took her to a reptile vet on Friday where she was X-Rayed and given a once over but nothing no explanation could be found.  The vet said she looks otherwise healthy and to her she didn't look underweight yet but I'm still so worried about her.  The vet gave me a course of antibiotics which has been a bit of a mission administering to her via syringe but I haven't seen any improvements.  I've tried changing the food type- no interest in locusts, crickets, morio's or mealworms.  I've tried cutting the legs off the hoppers to make it easier for her to catch- still no interest.  I've got to take her back to the vet in a few more days if she's still not eaten and I'm panicking as to how much the next steps could cost since she'll require intensive tests and a stay at the vets. I've even begged with her... but she just blinked at me.  As well as all this, I get the impression she no longer trusts me since I've had to handle her every day and each time I have it's been to put foul tasting stuff in her mouth - causing her more stress.  So not only do I feel like a bad mum because she's ill; I feel like she hates me for it too.

Being a Mum sucks. 

Other things that suck:
- Weddings everywhere
- Valentines fucking day
- Loads of films being out at the cinema and having no one to go with.
- Not being able to go to my friends wedding party because of my dickhead ex being there.

My Head.

It's been a whole month since I posted and lots of shit has happened but for today I am going to talk about my head.  For a change though, I'm not talking emotionally... my head, it would seem is PHYSICALLY broken.

I've started getting migraines again... after YEARS of not getting them and I haven't the faintest idea why. Since my last migraine which was a week last Saturday (9 days ago) I've had a permanent headache. 9 days of headache. Not full days, by about the evening it's worn of or lessened, but pretty much it's always there.  It starts the second I wake... I open my eyes and can count maybe three seconds before I feel a pain build in the left side of the back of my skull... which then gradually seeps round the sides and front of my skull throughout the morning; getting worse when I move quick.  9 days of this is somewhat tiring. I finally went to see a doctor today... this doctor looked about 12 years old and was smaller than I am... however I can only presume she did her degree in the womb because I'm pretty sure you need a degree to be a GP.  She said that it is most likely down to stress and that other than reducing work stress (not likely), taking ibuprofen and resting, then there isn't much additional she can recommend.  Fab.

I've got home to find a big white mark on my tonsil.  Woohoo. Back to the docs I go.

The Test.

 The day has come to test these two Ice Cream Behemoths...

 

 

 

It was with great trepidation that I picked up that spoon.  This was the moment.  Some 8/9 years since had passed before Minter Wonderland had entered my mouth on it's shiney, silver steed. I've been used to Haagen Dazs for the last few years, it stepping in to fill the void left behind Minter Wonderlands epic wake.  I know the taste of Haagen Dazs now, as if it is part of my own body.  And yet, here, armed with my weapon-like spoon, I plunged back into the past to see if the lasting memory of this frozen creamy-dream lived up to the reality.

 

I have to say, I was surprised with the results. 

 

I can officially announce that Minter Wonderland... is NOT tastier than it's rival. 

 

Mint Leaves... the Ice Cream is creamier, tastier with more depth of mintiness flavour, and there is more chocolate per spoonful.  It also seems to melt quicker in the mouth. 

 

Minter Wonderland lacked that punch.  It's Ice Cream tastes blander in comparison, and although the chocolate chunks are "meatier" there are fewer of them in the tub it would appear.  It's not as minty or as refreshing to the pallet.

 

It looks like Haagen Dasz has surpassed Minter Wonderland... had it not been for Minter Wonderland's initial demise prior to Mint Leaves being marketed, I feel I would have made the switch regardless.  It would appear that Minter Wonderland only retained it's mantle in my heart and mind due to it's unavailability, a lost treasure, the memory of which appears to have been greater than truth. 

 

And now, Mint Leaves can take it's rightful place... the consistent provider who didn't abandon me can now bathe in it's glorious defeat of the old ruler of the minty dessert Kingdom.  All hail... the worlds best Ice Cream... Mint Leaves and Chocolate! 

The Second Coming.

On the 10th November 2014 at 1904hrs I got sent this...

 

 

This.... is THE ice cream. 

 

In short:  **READ IT HERE**

 

2005- Ben & Jerry's release this BEAST of an Ice Cream.  I am addicted.

2005- The Ice Cream vanishes to the depths of the Ben & Jerry's Graveyard

2005- I drop into a despair and grief that can only be understood by hardcore addicts. Withdrawal symptoms included emailing Ben & Jerry's to beg for it's return- only to be told I can "view" it in the Graveyard on their website.  I do.  I am heartbroken.

2005-13 Years of heartache and Mint Ice Cream misery ensue.  No other mint ice cream tastes the same.

2013- Hagen Daas release Mint Leaves & Chocolate. My faith in humanity, hope, ice cream and mint is restored.

2014- Minter Wonderland descends. I explode with Joy.

 

It has returned.  In my time of need.  It has returned.  Words genuinely cannot express how I felt seeing that photograph... it was monumental.  I can only compare it to finding my long lost snake ring all those years ago after a year of it being lost.  It was spiritual, emotional and just epic. 

 

I was sent a few torturous videos of it being opened and eaten... however... this was short lived and manageable.  There then followed a WEEK of trying to hunt some down in various supermarkets. And finally.. FINALLY ... I managed to get hold of some after a tip off of some stock in Sainsburys.  I got the last two tubs.  At present I have two tubs of Minter Wonderland and two tubs of Mint Leaves in my freezer.  This makes me feel... glorious.

 

Tomorrow I plan on having a compare of the two ice creams. This is going to be a huge moment for Ice Cream and an even huger moment for my tastebuds. I will blog my results following the strictly controlled experiment.

 

I know my time with this ice cream is short... it won't still be here like the Hagen Daas has been all this time, so I hope it permits me a short, brief affair with the ice cream that started this all. 

Busy-ness.

Has it really been two weeks since I blogged? cripes.

It's been busy! Work is manic, with stress levels hitting new heights.  The good thing about the people I work with is that as stress levels rise, so does the sense of humour and mischievousness so we've had two weeks of intensely hard work flanked by points of hilarity, practical jokes and lots of laughs.  Too many laughs at points, with me getting told off for laughing too loud while a colleague was on the phone. 

I've been working hard at the gym and also went for a run with my chum H this week.  I was crap at it, having to run for short bursts and then walk in between.  Today, I've finally managed to do a set of six 8kg shoulder pressed weights which is a big achievement for me and a sure sign that my little spaghetti arms are getting much stronger.  I feel more toned and solid.

I've spent this weekend doing some sculpting, and I have to say despite the slow pace, I'm pretty pleased with the likeness I've achieved in the face of this commission.  It's been a really productive weekend- buzzing... and the best is yet to come.  I have a two day work week this week because....

... It's finally arrived.

This Wednesday, I will be watching Nine Inch Nails in an open air gig in Ireland.

Holy Fuck.

This is going to be... Epic.

Sick Note.

I went to the doctors again yesterday and have been signed off work for two more weeks.  He was pretty thorough doing lots of balance tests and moving my head about etc. Sadly he did say some people recover within days, others within about 6 weeks. I'll be happy, on this occasion, of being joyously average and falling in the midst of that recovery range. 

I feel a bit like a fraud because if I sit still for most of the day I feel okay, and would probably be perfectly able to do my job.  Being in a car still feels like being on a roller coaster and generally my mornings are spent waiting for my head to stop spinning but my ear feels less blocked and it wasn't as painful when the doctor put his little ear-telescope-thing into it.  Loud noises tend to make me feel queasy too at the moment, so I guess the office could be a bit of an issue. I've been prescribed some anti-sickness tablets which will help with the nausea and dizziness but the doctor said they're not all that successful with inner ear troubles, and also they will make me feel drowsy.  Having read the side effects, they state- may cause dizziness and drowsiness.  Er.... right. :-/

I just want to be well now though.  Hopefully things will get better and I'll be able to go back to the docs and ask him to mark me back as fit to work. 

N has returned from his travels and came straight away to look after me which was lovely of him.  I've had other chums calling me, and checking up on me via daily texts too so it's good to know out of sight isn't out of mind.  Good buddies really can make the world of difference.

If I'm going to be off work for at least another week I need a To Do List because I simply can NOT sit around doing nothing.  Soo here are my ideas for...

Things To Do While Off Sick Which Don't Involve Moving My Head:

- Drawing up my new tattoo
- Reading all the books I have piled up
- Re-Acquaint myself with some Japanese phrases and alphabet
- Blog
- Sketch
- Think up some new self promo sculpture projects
- Re-watch "Seven Psychopaths"

Any further suggestions are welcome!

I've gone viral.

I have managed to pick up a virus. 

I nearly collapsed at work the other day and had to be driven home, leaving my poor little Franko alone in the dark depths of Walsall for a day.  He was safely retrieved later on yesterday evening.

My doctor has told me I have a virus which is affecting my inner ear, sending my balance off, giving me nausea, a high temperature and dizziness.  I have a feeling a little bit like my head is being twisted in two directions, and a little bit drunk when I close my eyes- the room spins.  It's not very nice.

Soo I've been off work today. And may well be tomorrow depending how I feel in the morning.  I've spent the day on the sofa watching Mary & Max followed by Little Miss Sunshine.  Both awesome, though I forgot just how sad the first one was.  Probably not the best choice when you're feeling under the weather.

I also managed to get prescribed some sleeping tablets.  The last time I was given sleeping tablets was when I had my longest period of sustained insomnia and I was prescribed Temazepam.  Highly addictive, I wasn't prescribed many at a time, and was instructed not to take them on consecutive nights.  They were awesome.  And many a night I have wished I had some to help knock me out.  This time I've been given Zopiclone, and last night was the best nights sleep I've had in months.  I don't think I ever EVER naturally sleep a whole night through without waking up.  But I drifted off to sleep so quickly last night, and woke just before my alarm went off (as usual) with a FULL, uninterrupted nights sleep.  Honestly, the value of this is completely alien to some people.  I guess that is why they are so addictive.

Sound of not-so-silence.

At the risk of revealing that I've achieved NONE of my tasks today- I'm going to share one of my many quirks with you.

For years, more so the last ten years, I've had this issue with certain sounds.  It all started with my Grandad.  My Grandad, probably no different to most older folk, is a loud eater.  I've been seeing my Grandparents and family in the city of Nottingham since I was a kid, and our traditional day would be spent visiting the rellies for Sunday dinner and then the other set of Granparents for tea.  (Yes that's DINNER and TEA. As it should be).  My Grandma would prepare us a small buffet tea of sandwiches, salad and rolls for tea and for reasons unknown, my Grandad would always wait until the rest of us had finished eating before selecting his food and starting his own.  I began to dread this moment.  Then it would start- the slow, inevitable chomp chomp munch squelch of chewing. On and on it went... having to endure every morsal of food sometimes with the addition of a slop and a churn... until it was all gone.  Each sound enraged me.  I would get so uncomfortable I would have to move or eat something myself just to drown out the sound.  Even weirder, no one else seemed to notice.  Although fleeting, the rage was there, I'd physically grit my teeth or clench my jaw with annoyance. 

This has got predominantly worse over the years to the stage where if I can hear pretty much anyone chewing or chomping I feel uncomfortable.  I don't usually act on it, other than the odd comment now and then. 

Regular readers will already know that I hate snoring but my dislike of hearing these kind of sounds doesn't stop there - I dislike hearing people breathing- the whistle nose or worse still- a combination of whistle nose, chomping and heavy nose breathing at the same time.  Hell.  Pure, utter hell.  Oh god.

Well, I'd never really linked all these together, putting it down to my hyper sensitive body- but it turns out this whole thing is a recognised condition!!!!

*This New York Times article* describes my "condition" precisely and calls it Misophonia! Who knew that this was a recognised disorder of the brain!? Woohoo! Another one to add to my collection.  Hehe, I jest, Obviously. 

Thin Mint Ice.

In 2005, this happened...

... this Ice Cream was monumental. 

It was THE best Ice Cream I had ever EVER tasted.  I loved it.  I bought it weekly as my Saturday treat.  It was my paradigm shift in the world of Ice Cream, changing my conceptions of cream based, icy food forever.

No less than a few months after Minter Wonderland shone light upon my tastebuds... Ben & Jerrys condemned it to  the Ice Cream graveyard and stopped selling it.  For a few months I checked supermarkets in the vain hope of finding a stray tub- to no avail.  I was never to see or taste this Ice Cream again. 

It took me many years to get over this- in fact I'm not sure I have forgiven Ben & Jerrys yet for their cruelty.  No Mint Ice cream was ever going to compare...

and then, a few weeks ago, by sheer chance, this happened...

... Oh. My God.  Mint Leaves and Chocolate.  The years of Ben & Jerry's heartbreak ended as I slipped that smooth cold spoon of icy, minty goodness into my mouth.  That Ice Cream and my tongue were meant to be together, united, in perfect harmony.  I never thought anything would taste as good as Minter Wonderland... but this, completely surpassed my expectations.  Years of empty, flavourless, dull, boring utterly CRAP mint choc chip Ice Cream melted away and my life felt complete once again.

I consumed two tubs... and then the fear of this amazing happiness-in-a-tub being taken away from me took over.  The next couple of days I visited Sainsbugs AND Tesco and noted they didn't appear to have any of my Ice Cream left- this could be both good and bad.  Maybe stocks are just low because it's new...  "Don't panic" I thought, lets check online.  To my horror, my ice cream was now only being stocked in Waitrose and Ocado.  That's okay... we are fortunate to live near two Waitrose supermarkets.  The larger of these stores, had just three tubs in stock.  I bought all three.  They are safe in my freezer.

However, my love affair is, I fear, to be short lived.  I stopped by a smaller Waitrose this afternoon on my way home from work in the hope of stocking up on a few more tubs.  I scoured the shelves of the Ice Cream freezers- There were none.  There wasn't even a label for them.  That familiar feeling returns... my ice cream is slowly but surely slipping out of my grasp once again. 

There are still supplies... online mainly.  I'm considering whether my addiction is worthy of ordering a few more tubs- potentially having to pay for delivery.  Just how far will I go to get this Ice Cream?  Is there such a thing as black market ice cream dealer where I can fuel my habit? Perhaps the local Mr Whippy van could strike up some sort of deal... Yes, desperate times.

I still have my three tubs...these will now be subject to STRICT rations.  It's going to be a sad, emotionally tough day when I spoon out the last scoop from my last tub.

So fleeting... so passionate... and then it's over... so suddenly. 

The world of Ice Cream is a cruel, cruel place.   

Gym and Chocolate Bars.

So last week, I was spontaneously bought two chocolate bars- one from an alleged sex pest who bought me a big galaxy bar from the Asda Ooops! section marked down TWICE to 25p then 20p; and one from a new chum of mine who is like an intriguing cross between The Mad Hatter and Christopher Walken.  Day one into the week and I have already been bought a big bag of Cadburys Caramel Nibbles- this time by a nice chap and new chum who was thanking me for the nice, hot cup of tea I had waiting for him following his meeting.  Score!!!

In stark contrast to this increase in chocolate-y goodness, I have been going to the gym now a couple of times a week for the past two and a half weeks.  I have found a new love for Rowing which I really seem  to enjoy as it doesn't tire me out too quickly but gives both my arms, legs and lungs a decent enough work out.  I'm also becoming more confident at using the various weight bearing machines to build up my muscles and strength.  All in all, I am really enjoying it.  I just want my overall fitness to improve so I can really get stuck in- at the moment I have a few concerns with my heart rate which will hopefully get better with time.  I miss punching though and am hoping to enrol on a combat class in the coming weeks. 

This reminds me- Following Friday in the gym, I had a night in watching Silver Linings Playbook on Saturday night.  It was a good film, despite a few concerns to the contrary at the start, but during the first half hour of the film, I noticed my heart rate was racing.  I ignored it at first, but I started to get concerned when I felt really short of breath.  Trying not to worry, I timed my pulse and my heart rate was a whopping 95 beats per minute- RESTING!!!! I was getting worried when an hour into the film, my heart rate hadn't decreased, and I decided that I may need to get on the phone to NHS direct to ask for some advice or seek medical help.... 

....  It then dawned on me- that beneath my skinny jeans, I had on my thickest,winter-iest, super-warm, woolley tights. 

Genius.  I'd been sitting there effectively cooking myself for an hour and a half, panicking that I was having some sort of heart failure, when in fact I was just hot.  Oh god, can you imagine the ambulance men turning up with the defibrillator to find me sat there in a jumper, and woolley tights UNDER my skinny jeans like a loon.  Once, removed, I was thoroughly relieved to find that my heart rate decreased to a far more manageable and less worrying 70 bpm. 

It really is a wonder how I've lasted 30 years. 

No Title.

I've managed to avoid the tummy bugs so far... but I've managed to pick up the beginnings of a nasty cold over the weekend.  Probably something to do with my alcohol consumption which was nothing short of toxic this week.  I will NEVER drink three large glasses of wine ever ever again- I've since discovered this is over a bottle.  Needless to say I was embarrassingly smashed and very very poorly the following day.

I'm not eating well.  I've lost weight and I feel weak a lot.  I've been aware of this for some time and I'm not sure if it's down to a bit of stress or something... however, my poor appetite coupled with a lack of exercise is leaving me feeling particularly out of shape and shabby lately.  Its on my resolutions list but I think I need to sort out my appetite before I take on any dramatic exercise, otherwise I'll be fainting off.

On my agenda for the next couple of weeks:

• Sorting out my birthday weekend plans.
• Taking days off where possible to use up the flexi leave I keep accumulating.
• Keeping warm.
• Going to the cinema to make the most of decent films being released.