Expecting...

I have returned. After three years where a lot in my life has changed.  I return from a new home, as a married woman and an expectant mother.

I return mainly because I've suddenly got an awful lot to say which other people either don't really want to hear about or don't really understand.

So this pregnancy thing... it's pretty shit.  No one tells you that.  It's all glowing and smiles and nice little belly bumps in the media... but it's all bullshit. Let me explain why:

1.  Morning sickness - it isn't morning sickness.  It's all day, all night, 24/7 vomiting, gagging, dry heaving or generally just using every bit of energy in your body not being sick.

2. EVERYTHING makes you feel tired. EVERYTHING.

3.  After weeks of vomiting and nausea you start to feel better to find you've caught the normal office cold - however because you're growing a person MEDICATIONS are a no-no so you literally have to SUFFER.  Coughing, spluttering, congested and a big snotty mess but it doesn't matter because you're still meant to be happy about having a child.

4.  I can now not fit into any of my clothes.  However maternity clothes are really only for mahoosive belly's therefore here comes weeks of baggy clothes that make me feel even more grotty than I probably currently look.

5.  Being a naturally slim person, and with most people knowing about the growing person inside me - I am now subject to people staring at my growing bulge and making comments about "that belly".  Yeah thanks for pointing that out - I hadn't noticed!! Twats.

6.  Food- so irritatingly, you can barely eat anything. Not just because everything makes you want to puke, but because EVERYTHING might kill the baby - including mayo.  I mean Mayo? Have you TRIED trying to buy a decent sandwich that DOESN'T contain mayo????? But wait.... you can have mayo if it's pastuerised egg... so cue numerous confused and irritating catering staff when you have to start asking if their eggs are lion-stamped or their mayo is made from pasteurised egg.  I warn you now - most of them will not have a bleeding clue and just make you feel like a psycho. 
Aside this you're supposed to be eating healthily because, you know, the baby needs it... but all you can physically MANAGE to eat is hula hoops.  Oh yeah and don't forget to take these mahoozive horse-pill sized vitamins even though you can't even swallow your own saliva without being sick.

7.  I haven't pooped in a week.

8.  As if all of that isn't bad enough - all my skin is falling off.  My face is literally malting away because the child seems to be taking not only all my energy, nutrients and hormones but apparantly all my moisture too.  He/She is swimming about in there having a ball with super soft skin... while my own skin literally falls off me. 

So yeah I'm learning that growing a person really is about breaking down everything in your own body, sacrificing it all - your shape, diet, health for the sake of the new little body growing inside.  And the worst thing of all of it?? Is that as a woman you feel completely UNABLE to complain about it.  Because you're meant to be grateful for this amazing gift and all that shit.  Y'know what I am not at all taking for granted that my body is able to create a person and I am not at all suggesting that I am not grateful for being ABLE to create a child... but I sure as hell am not gonna feel like I cannot complain about the relentless hell that it is being pregnant.  Just because I'm a woman and this is what I am "meant to do" and all that shit does NOT make this a pleasant experience.  On the contrary, so far it's been awful.  I can still be very grateful and very VERY fed up at the same time. 

And I can't even have a freakin' Jack and coke.

Flop.

Last year was a good year for Feminism... it felt energised and focussed and seemed to be raising some really interesting and good debates.  This year however, I feel it is losing that focus and along with it a great big heap of respect.

I think the turn around came with the campaigners getting duped by the Sun.  Since then, they seem to have gone on silly rampages which are damaging their reputation and also damaging any meaningful work they may have already done.

The first of these silly attacks came on the film Fifty Shades of Grey.  I'd have appreciated a campaign here on repetitive, poorly written books with slightly dodgy storylines... however some feminists decided to launch an attach on this film saying it advocated Domestic Violence.  Now, working in the department dealing with this topic for a year now I can honestly say this does NOT equate to Domestic Violence.  I'm partially hoping that SOME of them have actually read the book and have hugely misinterpreted the book due to it being so SHIT, but you have to be slightly stupid to miss the key word in the whole thing... being CONSENT.  The woman in the book/film CONSENTS to being hit. Sadism is not the same as domestic violence and never will be.  Get it right.  ANY feminist having an issue with this has got it wrong and would be far better campaigning against REAL, GENUINE domestic violence occurring daily with men and women as victims and perpetrators; there is enough of it going on.  Leave the shoddy house-wife porn alone and focus on an actual problem.

Last week I saw a tweet by Danny Wallace who I find absolutely hilarious, being lambasted by another misguided feminist who took offence to one of his posts.  The post itself was sarcastic and if you know his humour, you know exactly how it was intended, however this person jumped all over it for all the wrong reasons and just made a total mockery of everything she probably stood for, most of which people like Danny Wallace probably bloody AGREE with!

Now they've jumped on the Beach Body campaign... which yes... is tiresome and boring and old... a woman's body has been used for advertising... yes. Don't the company have plenty of male bodies used in adverts too? Highly likely... because it IS a body product about weight loss... just like any gym is also focussed on body image.  Forget the ad, and focus on campaigns like the "This Girl Can" campaign... PROMOTE the good ones. ENDORSE positive body image campaigns instead of an ever-so slightly misjudged targeting of any naked flesh. 

It's frustrating.  It's annoying.  Because there will now be a huge backlash every time there is an intent to raise what is probably a valid point and decent debate.  It's infuriating because of how long it has been for there to be ANY serious feminists making any changes.  Last year saw huge progress and the good kind of waves that were needed to bring down shit like NUTS and ZOO.  And now, I feel like it's all been wasted and the energy is less focused and is spiraling in the wrong directions. It's causing a nasty backlash which I know is part of the fight, but on the above two situations, I haven't been able to defend the cause AT ALL because by and large, I just don't think they're an issue. Or rather, there are FAR FAR greater things that could be being achieved.

I hope every feminist group out there takes some time to move passed the bad PR, re-group and start addressing some genuine concerns and make some good, positive changes to turn this around before it becomes borderline difficult for women (and men) to declare they are feminists once again.

Light the Fuse.

The blood boils.

Campus nightmare: female students on the rise of sexual harassment

Just HOW is all this allowed to happen in this day and age? These boys (I purposely refrain from using the word Men) are our next generation of working professionals... and this is how we allow them to behave at university? Disgusting. Sexism at it's foulest.

This the same day that I read a newspaper article about a 25 million pound a year footballer coming out of prison after serving half his six year sentence for the rape of a 17 year old teenager, and walking straight back into his job.  Is it any wonder?

Sick.

Skins.

I saw a facebook post recently which was for some charity event- Children In Need if I remember rightly, where some high profile women had gone "Bare Faced" for some publicity shots.  The fact that most of these women were models anyway - with naturally good skin, bone structure etc aside, I got the point which (although not executed brilliantly) was still a fair enough effort at raising the issue of women's self esteem.

 

It got me thinking. 

 

Over the years, some of which may be detailed in this blog from earlier times, I have battled with low self esteem.  Mostly from my physical appearance as I am highly confident in my beliefs, opinions and actions for the most part- some would say perhaps too confident! 

Being so petite (skinny, as fatter people prefer to call it) and pale, I don't fit in the to the feminine hourglass, curvy figure.  I spent a huge portion of my formative years feeling completely inadequate physically, mostly due to the eagerness of other people to point out that I was "too thin".  I've been called ugly, skinny, been in the company of fat people who just love to call you scrawny and put you down, and we all know those awful people who love taking bad photographs of others because it makes them feel better about themselves.  You don't have experience of self harm without having some sort of disrespect for yourself and obviously I have the scars to prove it. Bad cycle. 

Whilst I'm able now to put a lot of these things down to other people being shits, it's all still left it's mark and I continue to have issues with aspects of my figure and my body.  It's not just my skinny, bony, pale body and lack of boobs either; I've spent many years staring at my face in the mirror and hating my nose and ears and the general shape of my tiny head.  It's why I hate photographs of myself. 

 

This brings me to the main point of my post.  Whilst I probably feel the most comfortable I have about my body (which is still probably poor compared to the average woman) I, like most of my female peers, wouldn't even dream of leaving the house without make up.  Never.  It just won't happen.  In fact I can even remember my worst fear coming true one day when I got up to find that I had run out of eye-liner.  The prospect of going into public WITHOUT eye-liner on in order to buy some, was too horrific, and I had to send N out to get a new one before I could leave the house. 

 

It's awful really.  Its my face, where so much of my personality comes out and is presented.  I am very confident in my beliefs, my opinions, my morals, and my passions and they all come out through my face, my mouth, my eyes, my expressions.  However to sit in front of a mirror and look at my face with make up on is a highly uncomfortable experience for me.  Looking at it WITHOUT make up- even more so. 

 

The women who have posed without make up for those publicity shots however, have inspired me through the comfort of my blog, my small, tiny window to the world, to do the same. 

 

So, feeling brave, here I am.  With no make up.  No eyeliner, no blusher.  Nothing.  I think I was fortunate that the soft lighting has bleached out the dark eye circles and patchy skin... but still, this is me- as naked as my face can get.

 



  

 

Scary stuff. 

Fresh Meat.

The Sexism of Freshers Week

A brilliant article by the Guardian about "Lad" culture impacting on young women during the crazy time that is Freshers week.  I have to say I can't remember being exposed to a great deal of this at my university, however that was around ten years ago and the whole pathetic "Lad" retaliation movement hadn't occurred.  Also, I tended to avoid those horrendous meat market uni nights to favour other club nights out and social occasions because I've never really felt the need to follow a crowd and conform, especially if it's with total twats.

The article highlights some disturbing and obscene trends which I hope women begin to fight back.  One occasion I do remember at uni, at one of the horrendous Friday Night Disco (FND) meat markets I rarely went to- was being physically picked up and carried out of the union by a really tall man who looked like Greg Rusedski.  I laugh at it now, but to be honest, the whole thing really bothered me.  This man was a stranger, and although we'd danced on the dance floor, this man was able to physically pick me up and walk out the Union with me, as if he'd picked me off the shelf at a supermarket. Because I'm so small, petite and skinny, it really bothered me that he was able to physically over power me.  Nothing bad happened, he put me down outside the union with no malicious intentions and I promptly walked back inside, but it could so easily have been a different story.  It's one of the reasons that I feel so much better about feeling physically stronger through my gym training, because whilst I'm still tiny and easily overpowered at least I know I have some strength to punch, kick and fight back; anyone who knows my tenaciousness will know I'd put up one hell of a good fight if I had to. 

Anyway, read the article.  It's a good'un.

Hurt 2.

I managed to pull a tendon in my arm at the gym last night.  Perhaps doing two nights at the gym in a row was a bad idea. 

However, I am managing to shoulder press about 5-6 8kg weights before my arms die and I have to revert back to 6kgs.  It's a marked improvement from when I started on 4kgs though and my arms are much more toned for it.  I feel stronger, legs are firmer, and generally I'm pleased with my progress so far.  I need to work on breathing for cardio- although since I'm not trying to lose weight I limit cardio to warming up and cooling down exercises only.  I'm also embarking on a 30 day squat challenge from next weekend to further tone up.  :-)

In other news I have a new favourite song- Copy of A.  Obsessed with it at the moment, mainly because it reminds me of the gig, but it's just IMMENSE.  It fuels me.  Love love love it.

Movements.

Nothing like a bit of Feminism to distract me from the three day bank holiday bender I've been recovering from- and I don't even mean a hangover as so much as the general fatigue! Yep- Old.

So I've been encouraged of late by the following gems of awesomeness.  There's a buzz at the moment... things are happening, action is being taken, there's stirrings.

Some weeks ago now I noticed The Every Day Sexism project which is a twitter account set up for people to record experiences of every day sexism- male and female. It's a brilliant way to draw attention and its really gathered momentum.  It's a brilliant tool for ill-informed but open minded people to get an idea of what actually counts as sexism as I've been staggered to discover that not everyone actually understands what it is, what should or shouldn't be acceptable and this is exactly what it is needed to stop younger generations becoming MORE sexist than their parents.  Sexism these days is far more vulgar and packaged differently to its former, 1950's-didn't-know-any-better self.

Check it out-  @EveryDaySexism on twitter.

Following this the below two campaigns are starting to take shape: 

Feminists taking action against Facebook and "lads mags" (or as I like to call them "Pervert Wank Rags" in shops.

If you haven't already done so I urge you to sign *** this petition *** at http://www.losetheladsmags.org.uk/  spearheaded by OBJECT and UKFEMINSTA to remove wank rags from supermarkets where families are free to roam. 

Brilliant.  Reassuring.  Encouraging. :-)

Fuck You- from a Blonde.

Forgive me a rant.  It won't take long.

The next man OR woman who assumes I am...

a). stupid
b). horny
c). slutty

... because of my fucking hair colour may well get stabbed in the face.

My hair is blonde.  Get the fuck over it.  Judging by the complete fuck-wits I've had the displeasure of meeting who have made any of the above assumptions, should I perhaps be reforming my opinions of brunette haired people as:
a). fucking thick as pig shit
b). lame
c). sexist
and d). have clearly been raised watching far too much pornography.????

Er... yeah maybe not. 

Yet again I guess the media doesn't help with this particular issue- fuelling it with ridiculous polls suggesting that most men and women prefer brunettes... hmm could that be because of a general, wide sweeping idea that blonde women are associated with pornography and sex by.... hmm, the media?!?!?.  No shit sherlocks.  I would wager I am 3000% more intelligent than any twat who is lame enough to even answer such a fucking stupid, pointless poll.

Get real you absolute fucking morons. 

That is all. 

:-)

Daily Musings.

Two articles that caught my eye today:

1.  Pornification

Getting a bit sick of hearing half assed politicians raising this issue and nothing further happening... Take ACTION.  Start getting rid of pornography in supermarkets, get it off shop shelves, off tv programmes, off advertising and start looking into ways of policing the internet better.  Sex education isn't necessarily the way around this either- Injecting boys early with morals, respect and equality; alongside encouraging girls' self esteem and preparing them for the lies they will be fed on a daily basis by the media, will be far more valuable than teaching them about "love and relationships" which we all know is a crock of shit anyway.

Secondly... you know I can never resist a bit of mindless, infuriating Catholic Hypocrisy...

2. Catholic Hospital- "Fetus not a person"

Whilst the case in question is undoubtedly sad- it's important that this case has run through the courts and I can't help but seek some pleasure in the discomfort this must have brought the Hospital in question.  I presume this hospital doesn't perform abortions because it's "murder".   Hypocrisy and the Catholic Church is as common as flies on dogshit and here, again, they cherry pick their "morals" when it suits them. 

All good- no rage here... just wanted to share some good web-reading.  Absorb people.

The Balancing Act of Being Female; Or, Why We Have So Many Clothes

I just read the above article.

It's an interesting albeit brief article on the labelling of women based on their clothing choices.  It's a sad fact that women label women in this way just as much as men do.  Interestingly men's clothing choices matter very little... in fact I can't remember many conversations around mens clothing choices reflecting their personalities and although I can see how a personality may be relfected in a mans clothing choices, they're not routinely labelled in the same way.  Men seldom are labelled. 

The image in the article, as usual, sums it all up a thousand times quicker and with more clarity than words do. 

Well done to the young student addressing these issues. 

And the rage continues...

I've lived through a conservative government before but I was a child and therefore politics had very little obvious impact on my life, or any that I would be able to understand or acknowledge.  However, now, as a voting adult- this is the first time I've had to endure such elitist, damaging, incompetent bile as is the Tory agenda. 

This government and their politics prove on a daily basis that they are the very antithesis of everything I believe and stand for.  Just when I think they can't possibly rile me anymore, this happens:

Jeremy Hunt backs 12-week legal limit on abortions

 

 

Now, firstly, this man is our health secretary.  This is a man who believes in homeopathy and tried to ban Danny Boyle from his NHS tribute at the Olympic opening ceremony, presumably because he didn't want the Plebs and peasants realising how valuable it was before he starts privatising it all. 

 

This utter knob is now wading into a debate into abortion.  Hmm, yes, lets have a Conservative MALE make decisions about womens rights and womens bodies, based on very very little scientific argument at all to boot. 

 

The womens secretary is laughable too- or it would be, if the absolute horror of the situation wasn't apparant:  Maria Miller- A "Modern Feminist".  Er, no. Simply put- Fucking hell no.

 

This government is going to fail just about every single faction of soceity not born into huge inheritances or isn't a multi-billion-tax-avoiding corporation.  It's time to stop whining about who started this and stop falling back on labour bashing because you can't accept YOUR governments failures.  These hateful, frankly useless, elitist idiots who have no respect for the hard working members of soceity who put them all to shame, NEED. TO. GO.  

 

Failing on EVERY single level of their shoddy plans at making cuts and rebuilding the country.

Failing to reduce public sector spending.

Destroying our public services.

Degrading, privatising, publicly disrespecting and dissolving the Police service.

Making vast quantities of people redundant, unemployment sky high. 

Removal of key benefits and a failure to get a grasp on a decent benefits system for people who actually deserve it.

Not addressing tax avoidance by huge companies and corporations including banks.

Reducing services, with little payback for those of us paying for it.

No growth.

No help for small business and start ups.

Women paying the largest prices in terms of unemployment and benefits cuts.

Failed, corrupt rail bids on important services- costing the tax payer 40bn.

 

.... the failures are absolutely endless.

 

It's not good for my health, my blood pressure or my stress levels.  I've been angry pretty much throughout their victorian-esque rule and I'm sick of it.  They're plan hasn't even worked - all fears and concerns are realised DAILY.  Unless of course, their plan is to segregate soceity and widen the gap between rich and poor- that they have fulfilled wonderfully.  Worse yet, the full extent of damage from their incompetence won't be seen for another 3-5 years and it frankly scares me.

 

And now they're launching an attack on something else that's very important to me- Womens rights.  Deep breaths... count to ten... it'll all be over soon.

 

 



 

 

From a real woman.

"Real women have curves"

I resent this phrase.

The many years of using too-thin models on catwalks and the linking up of eating disorders with images of thin women in the media, has given birth to an ugly counter-phenomenon. I'm not going to deny that media has a hugely negative impact on women's esteem... but I find this particular line of defence disturbing. Women have turned on each other, using a "them and us" mindset which only serves to further alienate and lower esteem.

We should be pushing for real beauty, as opposed to plastics, airbrushing and photo-editing; We should be pushing for acceptance of spots, freckles, wrinkles, scars- all those things that makes human skin human; Pushing for feeling healthy and happy in your skin. THIS phrase, this "Real Women" assault, has been coined by full figured ladies tired of being made to feel ugly by the use of slim women in media- and they've fought back in the stereotypically bitchy way some women can resort to; by putting someone else down. It's cliched, it's dull and it's tiresome.

I am slim. I have always been small. Contrary to popular belief, I struggle to get clothes to fit and there are clothes I would love to wear but can't or wouldn't feel comfortable in. I don't tend to put on much weight but I am as susceptible to stretch marks and cellulite as the next woman. I have small boobs (highly unfashionable), very fair skin which does not tan (and neither do I feel the need to do so), thin hair, freckles, moles and scars. I have just as many issues with my body as the next woman- if not more. I have struggled accepting how I look and am prone to bouts of intense insecurity about my body; I've struggled to feel any degree of comfort in my skin. I am often asked if I eat properly, or if I specifically try to maintain my low weight... and people have no qualms about making comments about my physique which they wouldn't dream of doing to a fuller sized person. Something about being naturally slim seems to give the rest of the world an open invitation to comment on your size, as if for some reason, I won't mind. Well why would I, seeing as by today's standards, I am not a real woman.

I would love to ask those who feel the need to enquire about my clothing size, whether they would feel the need to ask it of a larger sized woman. I would also love to know how people calling me skinny as if it's a compliment, would feel if I suddenly felt the urge to conjure up a nickname based purely on the the size of their waistband.

This is the problem with this phrase.

It might make you fat ladies (not nice is it, being labelled) feel better about yourselves, but it's doing nothing for the fight against the media. The media has not changed; 99% of imagery we see in advertising is edited and airbrushed and we're still being conditioned to accept it.

It's doing nothing to fight against eating disorders because these disorders are always going to exist, exacerbated wherever there are attacks on women's esteem; as long as women are to be judged by what they look like and told they are not good enough.

It's doing nothing to challenge perceptions or promote happiness, esteem and acceptance for ALL women- quite the opposite in fact; it's divisive, nasty and a cheap shot. Whatever the intention was- it's misguided and poorly judged.


What is this even based on!? Are these ladies making a lame attempt at harking back to the old Renaissance paintings where big, pale, wobbly thighs were a thing of beauty- well fair enough- but a small bust and eating as much as you could to prove your wealth was fashionable then too. The truth is that Real Women come in all shapes and sizes, colours, heights and widths.

I may be slim. I may not conform to the stereotypical "beauty". But I AM a real woman. I am far more than my clothing size and will continue to feel saddened and disgusted by the promotion of the "real women" campaigns. Such a great opportunity lost and wasted, proving that women's self esteem will always be abused and contorted.

Distortion.