You can tell the weather has turned. I never do well in September. It's always been a difficult month for me for many reasons, and this year is no exception.
This week I just feel Fed Up. Thoroughly. Fed up of people, of work, of getting screwed over, of selfish people, of people so fucking caught up in their own shit that all I want to do is tell them to shut the fuck up. Fed up of work, fed up of my colleague being off work, fed up of being on my own, fed up of not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
I still find time to laugh every day- don't get me wrong, but I'm tired and all I want to do right now is get away. Far away. Somewhere safe, quiet and where I know I'm going to be okay, to just sleep a while and block it all out. Preferably in the arms of someone who genuinely gives a shit about me.
Ugh. That's it.
Normal slinky service will resume in 24 hours. Or maybe the weekend.
Showing posts with label Sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sleep. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I've gone viral.
I have managed to pick up a virus.
I nearly collapsed at work the other day and had to be driven home, leaving my poor little Franko alone in the dark depths of Walsall for a day. He was safely retrieved later on yesterday evening.
My doctor has told me I have a virus which is affecting my inner ear, sending my balance off, giving me nausea, a high temperature and dizziness. I have a feeling a little bit like my head is being twisted in two directions, and a little bit drunk when I close my eyes- the room spins. It's not very nice.
Soo I've been off work today. And may well be tomorrow depending how I feel in the morning. I've spent the day on the sofa watching Mary & Max followed by Little Miss Sunshine. Both awesome, though I forgot just how sad the first one was. Probably not the best choice when you're feeling under the weather.
I also managed to get prescribed some sleeping tablets. The last time I was given sleeping tablets was when I had my longest period of sustained insomnia and I was prescribed Temazepam. Highly addictive, I wasn't prescribed many at a time, and was instructed not to take them on consecutive nights. They were awesome. And many a night I have wished I had some to help knock me out. This time I've been given Zopiclone, and last night was the best nights sleep I've had in months. I don't think I ever EVER naturally sleep a whole night through without waking up. But I drifted off to sleep so quickly last night, and woke just before my alarm went off (as usual) with a FULL, uninterrupted nights sleep. Honestly, the value of this is completely alien to some people. I guess that is why they are so addictive.
I nearly collapsed at work the other day and had to be driven home, leaving my poor little Franko alone in the dark depths of Walsall for a day. He was safely retrieved later on yesterday evening.
My doctor has told me I have a virus which is affecting my inner ear, sending my balance off, giving me nausea, a high temperature and dizziness. I have a feeling a little bit like my head is being twisted in two directions, and a little bit drunk when I close my eyes- the room spins. It's not very nice.
Soo I've been off work today. And may well be tomorrow depending how I feel in the morning. I've spent the day on the sofa watching Mary & Max followed by Little Miss Sunshine. Both awesome, though I forgot just how sad the first one was. Probably not the best choice when you're feeling under the weather.
I also managed to get prescribed some sleeping tablets. The last time I was given sleeping tablets was when I had my longest period of sustained insomnia and I was prescribed Temazepam. Highly addictive, I wasn't prescribed many at a time, and was instructed not to take them on consecutive nights. They were awesome. And many a night I have wished I had some to help knock me out. This time I've been given Zopiclone, and last night was the best nights sleep I've had in months. I don't think I ever EVER naturally sleep a whole night through without waking up. But I drifted off to sleep so quickly last night, and woke just before my alarm went off (as usual) with a FULL, uninterrupted nights sleep. Honestly, the value of this is completely alien to some people. I guess that is why they are so addictive.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Dream.
It's been a long time since I blogged about a dream I've had... I don't think I sleep well enough to remember most dreams I have these days... or should that be nights.
Last night I dreamt that Abu Hamza got moved to Walsall and this meant I had to do loads of work around him to pass on to my team. Then during my lunch break I went out and bought loads of hair bobbles and earrings with pirate symbols on them. It wasn't clear if the fact that Abu Hamza has a hook for one hand was the link between the two events, though I suspect it might have been.
Wierd.
Last night I dreamt that Abu Hamza got moved to Walsall and this meant I had to do loads of work around him to pass on to my team. Then during my lunch break I went out and bought loads of hair bobbles and earrings with pirate symbols on them. It wasn't clear if the fact that Abu Hamza has a hook for one hand was the link between the two events, though I suspect it might have been.
Wierd.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sleep.
I feel tired today.
Sleep.
People take it for granted but to me it is one of the most precious things on this planet.
I have always had a very tumultuous relationship with sleep. Even when I was small, I struggled to sleep well. Night times had the prepensity to bring a mixture of nightmares or just hours of my imagination roaming in the darkness. Nightmares as a child, or the inability to switch off my active mind left me with general irregular sleeping patterns. I became fussy, requiring optimum conditions of temperature, light, quietness in order to actually settle enough to fall asleep.
As I entered secondary school, came the anxiety of not getting enough sleep to concentrate on my lessons the following day and so the fear of not sleeping became the problem itself as it fuelled my difficult sleeping patterns. It was at secondary school I experienced my first bout of depression and anxiety which obviously meant inability to sleep as well as general lethargia and a fatigue that I just could not quench.
Through college and university, the trials of growing up, studies, relationships weighed on my mind at night coupled with the student lifestyle and diet of countless nights out, alcohol and takeaways. My mental health issues of my teens were also never far away impacting my sleep patterns further. It was just after graduating university however that I experienced my first proper taste of night terrors.
The Terrors consisted of periods of paralysis where I felt fully conscious, able to see my surroundings and move my eyes but unable to move the rest of my body. I could sometimes hear voices shouting at me above my head, or hear screaming but I was unable to move or roll over to "wake" out of it. During these moments, I was unsure of where reality ended and a dream state began. Although I could see, and the room around me was visible, there were also times where there appeared to be a screen lifted from my sight, as if my eyes were opening. It's difficult to describe just how frightening these times were.
Following the terrors, was my first episode of Insomnia.
It wasn't just little sleep or disturbed sleep or patchy sleep. It was no sleep. It lasted three weeks. In that time I tried over-the-counter remedies which did nothing. I finally went to the doctors and was given temazepam.
This was my saviour at a time of exhaustion and desperation. Although there is no physical pain to Insomnia, it's a gradual, slow erosion of you from the inside. You have no energy. Mornings I would be in tears, just knowing I'd clocked another 8 hours of full consciousness. I was tired, miserable, and I feared my depression was literally looming round every corner. I felt like a shadow of myself and on the verge of a breakdown. Temazepam literally saved me from this by providing me my first night of actual sleep in weeks. I can not describe how this felt. Literally can not put it into words.
I'm glad to say that I've not experienced that level of Insomnia again. I still have difficulty sleeping. Anything that stops me sleeping now feels like a personal attack. Noise, lights, ticking clocks and snoring all become my enemy depriving me of this precious resource, like oxygen. If you're lucky enough to be able to sleep well, or one of these wierdo's who doesn't even have to think about falling a sleep- I hope you realise you have an invaluable commodity. Since sleep deprivation is used as a weapon; a recognised torture method I also hope you think twice if you snore. Persistent snoring should be punishable by death as far as I'm concerned.
Sleep tight.
Sleep.
People take it for granted but to me it is one of the most precious things on this planet.
I have always had a very tumultuous relationship with sleep. Even when I was small, I struggled to sleep well. Night times had the prepensity to bring a mixture of nightmares or just hours of my imagination roaming in the darkness. Nightmares as a child, or the inability to switch off my active mind left me with general irregular sleeping patterns. I became fussy, requiring optimum conditions of temperature, light, quietness in order to actually settle enough to fall asleep.
As I entered secondary school, came the anxiety of not getting enough sleep to concentrate on my lessons the following day and so the fear of not sleeping became the problem itself as it fuelled my difficult sleeping patterns. It was at secondary school I experienced my first bout of depression and anxiety which obviously meant inability to sleep as well as general lethargia and a fatigue that I just could not quench.
Through college and university, the trials of growing up, studies, relationships weighed on my mind at night coupled with the student lifestyle and diet of countless nights out, alcohol and takeaways. My mental health issues of my teens were also never far away impacting my sleep patterns further. It was just after graduating university however that I experienced my first proper taste of night terrors.
The Terrors consisted of periods of paralysis where I felt fully conscious, able to see my surroundings and move my eyes but unable to move the rest of my body. I could sometimes hear voices shouting at me above my head, or hear screaming but I was unable to move or roll over to "wake" out of it. During these moments, I was unsure of where reality ended and a dream state began. Although I could see, and the room around me was visible, there were also times where there appeared to be a screen lifted from my sight, as if my eyes were opening. It's difficult to describe just how frightening these times were.
Following the terrors, was my first episode of Insomnia.
It wasn't just little sleep or disturbed sleep or patchy sleep. It was no sleep. It lasted three weeks. In that time I tried over-the-counter remedies which did nothing. I finally went to the doctors and was given temazepam.
This was my saviour at a time of exhaustion and desperation. Although there is no physical pain to Insomnia, it's a gradual, slow erosion of you from the inside. You have no energy. Mornings I would be in tears, just knowing I'd clocked another 8 hours of full consciousness. I was tired, miserable, and I feared my depression was literally looming round every corner. I felt like a shadow of myself and on the verge of a breakdown. Temazepam literally saved me from this by providing me my first night of actual sleep in weeks. I can not describe how this felt. Literally can not put it into words.
I'm glad to say that I've not experienced that level of Insomnia again. I still have difficulty sleeping. Anything that stops me sleeping now feels like a personal attack. Noise, lights, ticking clocks and snoring all become my enemy depriving me of this precious resource, like oxygen. If you're lucky enough to be able to sleep well, or one of these wierdo's who doesn't even have to think about falling a sleep- I hope you realise you have an invaluable commodity. Since sleep deprivation is used as a weapon; a recognised torture method I also hope you think twice if you snore. Persistent snoring should be punishable by death as far as I'm concerned.
Sleep tight.
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