Platonic.

Due to my choice of University and subsequently my choice of career, I've always had many male friends.  Even in school I had a nice mixed group of friends in sixth form.  I actually find male company less intense, and up until my current job, a lot less complicated without the usual and stereotypical cattiness that comes with being around lots of women.  There have been complications previously, when the boundaries of friendship have blurred on one side and not the other, but generally my male friends have had just a bigger influence on my life as my female ones.

However, now I'm getting older, my circle of friends has decreased naturally, as it does when you start to understand who is meant to stay and who isn't.  In the last week, I've had two good male friends say that meeting up with me would make their partner uncomfortable.  To pad this out, both these friends of mine have never ever been anything more than friends. Both have long-term partners - one a fiancé, the other a wife.  I've been told that both these women would be uncomfortable with their partner meeting me for a drink or coffee which I find to be a massive judgment on my character based on nothing other than the fact that I am female and single, which clearly means I must be desperate to steal other women's men.  Even when you're happily married, it would appear I am still a threat.  It's ridiculous.  I can partly understand the unknown being a source of anxiety for women in this situation, but there are ways around it; getting to know me for a start!

I guess this is going to get more and more common.  With my female friends getting married and settling down, and my male friends being banned from seeing me... it's set to be a pretty lonely decent into my thirties.

The Narcissist

Last year I met a guy.  We will call him B.  He is a Narcissist.

Now when I say this, I'm not saying it lightly or in jest.  I actually, GENUINELY mean he is one. I've used this to describe just generally self-serving assholes before... but this guy is on a whole other level.

I have rarely, if ever actually, met someone who is actually the stereotype, text book being of a psychological profile, but my god, he is one. 

He has just about every trait. For a long time he made absolutely no sense to me, but after a long time of careful observation and some careful handling, he is the very epitome of narcissism.  His behaviours, words, language... all of it, oozes narcissism.  This goes beyond vanity, far deeper rooted and I can even pick this up from how he talks about his mother.  He takes no responsibility, he is superficial but has massive insecurities.  He papers up the gaping cracks in his life with empty ambition and this ridiculous notion that he is some sort of hero but underneath he is a weak, lost little boy begging to be accepted.  He is vague, plays cards close to his chest (his words) and NEVER actually states what he wants so that he can keep many people (mainly women) on tenterhooks and guessing as to what he's thinking.  Now I've seen it for what it is, I'm no longer frustrated by this person's actions and I'm no longer confused as to where I stand; I was a pawn.  He still describes me as a friend, but I feel my purpose fading as he realises the control is gone and he's no longer able to manipulate... though I let him think he does sometimes because I find it somewhat fascinating.  It's like having a walking, talking case study in psychology. 

I was doing some reading up on Narcissists and there is literally no way of breaking down the strange, delusional worlds they build for themselves.  There is however, a degree of transcendence for me in understanding how B works and knowing that he is caught in a never ending cycle of frustration and disappointment; far below the high standards and delusional success he claims he has and wants. He will never break this, and probably never achieve happiness, although apparently Narcissism lessens with age so now he is nearing 40 he may gradually naturally decrease his ingrained narcissistic behaviours. I actually take some pride in being able to observe such a perfect psychological profile, so close up, without being at all emotionally affected by their behaviour, keeping them at arms length and being able to almost play him at his own game. 

Fascinating.

Ring of Fire.

I have been deliberating for a while about selling my engagement ring. I was torn and found the idea of it just too upsetting but tonight... part of me just wants rid of it. It is and always was meaningless. It will be the only one I ever recieve, of that I am certain, but I no longer need it nor what it symbolizes.

Getting rid of it would be saying good riddance to a person who:

Destroyed my confidence.
Lied to my face.
Cheated on me.
Watched pornography.
Was selfish.
Took away my home and left me with nothing.
Was happy to mislead me in order for him to achieve the above.
Jumped into another girls bed in a matter of weeks after telling me it was over.
Frequently told me what a bad person I was.
Couldn't be arsed to support me when my mum got cancer.
Put his work before everything else.
Who is blind to his toxic family.
Who told me he loved me and continued sleeping with me while he lined up his next relationship.
Made me feel I was never enough.
Caused me to have to go through the lowest times in my life.
Continues to speak bullshit to protect his reputation.
Didn't allow me room to be sad.
Hated to be challenged.
Was elitist and politically right wing.
Was happy to destroy other peoples relationships.

And I'm hanging on to it why?

I'd rather have never had one at all and not have wasted 10 years on that fuck up.

Good riddance.

Take Down.

It's been an interesting week for Feminism.... We've seen the downfall of Dapper Laughs: a sexist dickhead with a childish humour and dangerously disturbing attitude towards women who was successfully taken down by the fabulous OBJECT campaign #takedowndapperlaughs, which saw ITV2 cave to pressure and pull the show from their line-up.  The question remains what utter loser pitched this up as a good comedy offering in the first place?

Prior to this was my introduction to this sick twat - Julien BLANC who appears to be a big fan of sexually assaulting and degrading women and by all accounts appears to be able to get audiences of naïve men or disgusting pigs to hear him talk about it. 

And then there's yet another rapist footballer being given his job back despite public outcry.  Jessica Ennis is among some celebrities who have stated they wish to be removed from their publicity books and have the chair named after them removed from the site if he is re-signed.  It's not uncommon for sex offenders running around on a football pitch but again, reassuringly this time more people seem to be irritated by the concept. 

The positives are that these vile, misogynistic, dickheads are being brought to light in the media and largely ridiculed for their particular brand of hideous, obscene sexism, violence and hatred.  There were even reassuring calls from some to ban him BLANC from entering the UK just as any terrorist preaching hatred would.  I see no reason to treat him any differently. 

In stark contrast, Pussy Riot are currently visiting the UK upholding the banner for not only women but proving that bravery, strength and honesty can't be beaten down.

Light the Fuse.

The blood boils.

Campus nightmare: female students on the rise of sexual harassment

Just HOW is all this allowed to happen in this day and age? These boys (I purposely refrain from using the word Men) are our next generation of working professionals... and this is how we allow them to behave at university? Disgusting. Sexism at it's foulest.

This the same day that I read a newspaper article about a 25 million pound a year footballer coming out of prison after serving half his six year sentence for the rape of a 17 year old teenager, and walking straight back into his job.  Is it any wonder?

Sick.

Narcissus.

Ah sweet sweet justice.

There is something uncompromisingly ugly about anyone who's vanity overspills into narcissism.  I see this most often in men who spend so much time shaping and sculpting their bodies in the gym whilst forgetting entirely to shape their character; their individualism and their morals remaining pathetically empty and superficially soul-less.

Paradoxically narcissists spend the majority of their lives in a state of total self absorption yet remain entirely lacking in self awareness.  This is clearly because the process of becoming self aware not only requires a critical reflection of the self but also requires a deeper understanding of emotions, empathy and of interaction with other human beings;  The antithesis of narcissism.  A beautiful, spiralling irony.

" People's actions will tell you everything you need to know. "

Always.

Fresh Meat.

The Sexism of Freshers Week

A brilliant article by the Guardian about "Lad" culture impacting on young women during the crazy time that is Freshers week.  I have to say I can't remember being exposed to a great deal of this at my university, however that was around ten years ago and the whole pathetic "Lad" retaliation movement hadn't occurred.  Also, I tended to avoid those horrendous meat market uni nights to favour other club nights out and social occasions because I've never really felt the need to follow a crowd and conform, especially if it's with total twats.

The article highlights some disturbing and obscene trends which I hope women begin to fight back.  One occasion I do remember at uni, at one of the horrendous Friday Night Disco (FND) meat markets I rarely went to- was being physically picked up and carried out of the union by a really tall man who looked like Greg Rusedski.  I laugh at it now, but to be honest, the whole thing really bothered me.  This man was a stranger, and although we'd danced on the dance floor, this man was able to physically pick me up and walk out the Union with me, as if he'd picked me off the shelf at a supermarket. Because I'm so small, petite and skinny, it really bothered me that he was able to physically over power me.  Nothing bad happened, he put me down outside the union with no malicious intentions and I promptly walked back inside, but it could so easily have been a different story.  It's one of the reasons that I feel so much better about feeling physically stronger through my gym training, because whilst I'm still tiny and easily overpowered at least I know I have some strength to punch, kick and fight back; anyone who knows my tenaciousness will know I'd put up one hell of a good fight if I had to. 

Anyway, read the article.  It's a good'un.

LADS: Lets be Less.

There's a guy I come into contact with regularly who is possibly the biggest Tri-Hard I know.

He's married and a father, perhaps not the brightest tool in the box but works hard to make a living for his family.  He appears to model himself on a mixture of Homer Simpson and your typical "LAD".   Here's a few examples:

- His facebook is littered with Laddish, semi-sexist meme's that he's found online.
- He shares images from groups with intellectual titles like "I just keep clicking until I see some boobs" and "Rack/Bum of the Day".
- His idol is James Bond.
- He prides himself on getting his wife stereotypically "thoughtful" gifts like a grill and a micro pedi for her birthday.
- Anything appealing to the humour of a 12 year old boy would also appeal to him.
- He frequently makes Jim Davidson style innuendo jokes.
- He makes self depreciating comments about himself like "I did one push up last night and my arms are killing me!"

This is a guy in his thirties.  I would expect all the above to apply to a 12 year old, maybe a simple student, but he's in his thirties.  And he's actually bred children which is a concern.  
Now, this guy is harmless.  Dull, but harmless.  But nevertheless he is actively, desperately almost, trying to live up to a set and quite frankly awful stereotype.  This is a concept completely alien to me.  Don't get me wrong, this man doesn't offend me, neither do I think he's a bad person- I just find his complete lack of originality and lack of identity, sadly pathetic.  He has a complete lack of self- nearly everything he says or does comes from somewhere else.  I hear him saying things which I know he's already shared on facebook a few days earlier... I hear him making jokes or telling stories with exactly the same "bloke" undertones as the day before and it's just rather tiresome.

And it's not uncommon.  We all grew up with a sense of wanting to belong.  We're tribal creatures; social creatures with common interests and hobbies which bring us together or divide us.  I get this.  I wasn't the most popular kid at school, never part of a huge crowd, but I had a small group of like minded friends and I failed to see how others wanted to be part of the "in" crowd just for the sake of it, rather than actually liking the people in the crowd.  Lets be honest, the "in" crowd is always full of absolute losers who are mainly shallow and not particularly nice people who I had ZERO in common with.  Why, why WHY would I EVER want to be accepted by them??! I had this mentality at the age of 12 and it caused me some isolation, some bullying but my god I wouldn't change it, it's made me the free-thinking person I am.

I know other men, or should I say boys, who become ensconced in this pathetic "LAD" culture of getting pissed, being sexist and fucking around, reducing women to their body parts etc.  I've seen fairly intelligent guys who disappointingly buy into this boy-dom, who lose the ability to think for themselves and then in turn become accustomed to being sexist, unattractive and frankly pathetic puppet consumers of archaic, sexist attitudes and cultures. 

And quite often, it takes a woman to challenge them and break the cycle, rather than it being a well informed, conscious decision to just strap on a pair and grow the hell up.  Alternatively, when these men become parents, more so to daughters, they then also see a step change, however some do not, and continue to pass down their stereotype to their sons and daughters.  And whilst touching on this area: I cannot stand the hypocrisy of some fathers who take on this over bearing, over-protective father role.  The worst offenders being those who are effectively protecting their daughters from men LIKE THEMSELVES and therefore openly admitting that most men are pathetic shitbags. Yet don't get called sexist. Odd.  

Why there aren't many men who come to their own conclusion that both men AND women deserve more than this, is beyond me.  I know many men.  I don't dislike men; I have a great many male friends, some very close male friends and indeed, my best friend is male.  But I  will remain cynical until more come forward, step up and reclaim being a MAN as being a decent, good, honest person who despite having a weakness for boobs, don't feel the need to denigrate women, reduce them to their body parts, and don't see the point in being part of a damaging and frankly pathetic culture of being LESS than they are capable of.  This is expressed far more eloquently in the below quote which is one of my all time favourites:

Males these days have suffered something of an identity crisis and I can't quite work out if this is a result of the advances women have made in asking for more, in expecting more, and demanding they are treated better because we ARE better than what we were being portrayed to be.  However, men seem to have retreated in the opposite direction and instead of wanting to be MORE than their stereotype (Homer Simspon- useless- fumbling- follow-his-friends- and-cheer-at-boobs) they've positively encouraged it.  They don't even want to be called MEN anymore, preferring lesser terms like Bloke and Lad. Possibly because there is confusion as to what a Man is these days.  Here's a thought- how about just trying to be a good HUMAN: accepting, honest, caring and respectful.

And it's not just guys. Some women are just as capable of this ridiculous act.  I know plenty of women who WANT to be less than they are and actually play up to a stereotype- dumbing down, not venturing any opinion, or possibly not having any for fear of it not being the "right" one; acting stupid, having to copy a certain look.  It's just ridiculous. And I don't get it.  Can't get it.  If you're yourself, you'll attract the right people to you.  I'm a right stroppy, opinionated cow and I have some AWESOME friends.

I fail to see how anyone would want to strive to be less than they are.  Perhaps it's reached a stage where I expect men to be sheep, and maybe I (wrongly) expect more from women since women have fought for us to be accepted as more than our stereotypes.  In the last Century women have pushed to be MORE.  There have been no such movements for Men.  Because men appear less bothered at being seen as less than they are, positively embracing their shoddy stereotypes in places.  They seek acceptance from their friends, defining themselves as the same rather than trying to be different, even when they hold a different opinion.  Sheep. Boring as hell, Sheep. Sorry Sheep.

I lose respect for any person (Man or Woman for that matter but for the purposes of this paragraph I will say "he") who claims he has the capacity to think intelligently and debate intelligently but who fails to see the problems he contributes to by being part of a pathetic, archaic, sheep style culture of sexist stereotyping and embraces being a Lad.  A Boy. 

I'm proud to be different. Opinionated, hot headed, controversial at times, and to my detriment occasionally- but only because I believe in things and I'm not afraid to voice them.  I am true to my being and my beliefs. I may not be pretty and cute and wife material.  But I'm me. And that's one thing I love about myself.