Expecting...

I have returned. After three years where a lot in my life has changed.  I return from a new home, as a married woman and an expectant mother.

I return mainly because I've suddenly got an awful lot to say which other people either don't really want to hear about or don't really understand.

So this pregnancy thing... it's pretty shit.  No one tells you that.  It's all glowing and smiles and nice little belly bumps in the media... but it's all bullshit. Let me explain why:

1.  Morning sickness - it isn't morning sickness.  It's all day, all night, 24/7 vomiting, gagging, dry heaving or generally just using every bit of energy in your body not being sick.

2. EVERYTHING makes you feel tired. EVERYTHING.

3.  After weeks of vomiting and nausea you start to feel better to find you've caught the normal office cold - however because you're growing a person MEDICATIONS are a no-no so you literally have to SUFFER.  Coughing, spluttering, congested and a big snotty mess but it doesn't matter because you're still meant to be happy about having a child.

4.  I can now not fit into any of my clothes.  However maternity clothes are really only for mahoosive belly's therefore here comes weeks of baggy clothes that make me feel even more grotty than I probably currently look.

5.  Being a naturally slim person, and with most people knowing about the growing person inside me - I am now subject to people staring at my growing bulge and making comments about "that belly".  Yeah thanks for pointing that out - I hadn't noticed!! Twats.

6.  Food- so irritatingly, you can barely eat anything. Not just because everything makes you want to puke, but because EVERYTHING might kill the baby - including mayo.  I mean Mayo? Have you TRIED trying to buy a decent sandwich that DOESN'T contain mayo????? But wait.... you can have mayo if it's pastuerised egg... so cue numerous confused and irritating catering staff when you have to start asking if their eggs are lion-stamped or their mayo is made from pasteurised egg.  I warn you now - most of them will not have a bleeding clue and just make you feel like a psycho. 
Aside this you're supposed to be eating healthily because, you know, the baby needs it... but all you can physically MANAGE to eat is hula hoops.  Oh yeah and don't forget to take these mahoozive horse-pill sized vitamins even though you can't even swallow your own saliva without being sick.

7.  I haven't pooped in a week.

8.  As if all of that isn't bad enough - all my skin is falling off.  My face is literally malting away because the child seems to be taking not only all my energy, nutrients and hormones but apparantly all my moisture too.  He/She is swimming about in there having a ball with super soft skin... while my own skin literally falls off me. 

So yeah I'm learning that growing a person really is about breaking down everything in your own body, sacrificing it all - your shape, diet, health for the sake of the new little body growing inside.  And the worst thing of all of it?? Is that as a woman you feel completely UNABLE to complain about it.  Because you're meant to be grateful for this amazing gift and all that shit.  Y'know what I am not at all taking for granted that my body is able to create a person and I am not at all suggesting that I am not grateful for being ABLE to create a child... but I sure as hell am not gonna feel like I cannot complain about the relentless hell that it is being pregnant.  Just because I'm a woman and this is what I am "meant to do" and all that shit does NOT make this a pleasant experience.  On the contrary, so far it's been awful.  I can still be very grateful and very VERY fed up at the same time. 

And I can't even have a freakin' Jack and coke.

Bad Night.

Some thoughts:

B. You're a prick but you've actually listened to me. Been there. It means nothing but something too on the most superficial basis possible.

You offer me nothing. Too much hassle. Too much shit. I see you. Weak. Everything about you contradicts. Lies. Red flags. Frustration. Go.

BE. You've ignored me. Why?

K, A, M. You have no idea. Clueless. Ignorance in bliss.

I. Wtf. Why didn't you just say it?

N. I hate you.

C. You mean well but it's all shit and I've heard it a hundred times.

S. Replaceable. Pointless. Useable. Temporary. Disposable.

Hello insomnia.

I'm not entirely convinced I even belong here.

The Narcissist

Last year I met a guy.  We will call him B.  He is a Narcissist.

Now when I say this, I'm not saying it lightly or in jest.  I actually, GENUINELY mean he is one. I've used this to describe just generally self-serving assholes before... but this guy is on a whole other level.

I have rarely, if ever actually, met someone who is actually the stereotype, text book being of a psychological profile, but my god, he is one. 

He has just about every trait. For a long time he made absolutely no sense to me, but after a long time of careful observation and some careful handling, he is the very epitome of narcissism.  His behaviours, words, language... all of it, oozes narcissism.  This goes beyond vanity, far deeper rooted and I can even pick this up from how he talks about his mother.  He takes no responsibility, he is superficial but has massive insecurities.  He papers up the gaping cracks in his life with empty ambition and this ridiculous notion that he is some sort of hero but underneath he is a weak, lost little boy begging to be accepted.  He is vague, plays cards close to his chest (his words) and NEVER actually states what he wants so that he can keep many people (mainly women) on tenterhooks and guessing as to what he's thinking.  Now I've seen it for what it is, I'm no longer frustrated by this person's actions and I'm no longer confused as to where I stand; I was a pawn.  He still describes me as a friend, but I feel my purpose fading as he realises the control is gone and he's no longer able to manipulate... though I let him think he does sometimes because I find it somewhat fascinating.  It's like having a walking, talking case study in psychology. 

I was doing some reading up on Narcissists and there is literally no way of breaking down the strange, delusional worlds they build for themselves.  There is however, a degree of transcendence for me in understanding how B works and knowing that he is caught in a never ending cycle of frustration and disappointment; far below the high standards and delusional success he claims he has and wants. He will never break this, and probably never achieve happiness, although apparently Narcissism lessens with age so now he is nearing 40 he may gradually naturally decrease his ingrained narcissistic behaviours. I actually take some pride in being able to observe such a perfect psychological profile, so close up, without being at all emotionally affected by their behaviour, keeping them at arms length and being able to almost play him at his own game. 

Fascinating.

Tidings.

So Christmas has been and gone. 

I can't quite believe that tomorrow will be my last day of annual leave before returning to work on Monday.  It hasn't felt like two weeks- but I have enjoyed my time off and I'm really glad I didn't cancel it.

It's been a nice Christmas and better than I anticipated. 

I've spent today nursing the usual sleepiness of post-New Years Eve celebrations.  Its usually at this point that I make some resolutions however I'm not going to bother: They are always the same and the only thing I need to change this year is to waste no time on twats and to not overthink things.

I have much to look forward to in 2015:  I have a trip to Japan and possibly a trip to Australia later in the year with a view to looking into job prospects there. 

Lots to see, projects to do and no one holding me back anymore.  Here's hoping it's a good one.

Black Glitter.

I was searching for some new music the other night and came across this not-so-new band. 

I immediately loved it and I'll explain why below.



This music is the sound of my teenage years.  I listen and hear echoes of the glory days of the 90s where tuneful rock permeated the mainstream.  I hear echoes of The Smashing Pumpkins and The Pixies in the vocals; Placebo and The Silversun Pickups in the fuzzy, crisp chord changing guitars.  I close my eyes and I could be 16 again, in a sweaty, dark, packed gig venue with bleach blonde hair and chipped, black glitter nail polish on guitar-hardened fingers; an outlet for a collective teenage angst unfolding before my ears and eyes.

Total flashback.

<3 p="">

Piggy.

Nine Inch Nails on Sunday night was, as expected, EPIC.  The gig was a more meaty than their Belfast gig last year.  It was less about playing the classics and crowd-pleasers and more about blowing minds.  If you were new to Nine Inch Nails (unlikely) I can imagine it was a bit of a baptism by fire.  It was unbelievable: perfect sound coupled with a blinding, awe-inspiring lighting performance and staging.  Favourites of the night were Disappointed, a brilliantly haunting version of Sanctified, The Great Destroyer (which is immense through decent earphones; practically hypnotic and made my heart race; gave me goosebumps live) and a superb Piggy.

 

 

 

I know I'm biased, because in my eyes (ears?) pretty much everything Trent Reznor touches turns to gold, however this music just feels like my insides; how my soul feels.  It's just fucking awesome. 

 

"Piggy"Hey pig,
Yeah you.

Hey pig, piggy, pig, pig, pig
All of my fears came true.
Black and blue and broken bones,
You left me here; I'm all alone.
My little piggy needed something new.

 Nothing can stop me now,
'Cause I don't care anymore.
Nothing can stop me now,
  'Cause I just don't care.

Hey pig,
Nothing's turning out the way I planned.
Hey pig,
There's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand.
What am I supposed to do? I lost my shit because of you. 

 

Nothing can stop me now,
'Cause I don't care anymore.
Nothing can stop me now,
  'Cause I just don't care.

 

Oh god. Perfect.

Narcissus.

Ah sweet sweet justice.

There is something uncompromisingly ugly about anyone who's vanity overspills into narcissism.  I see this most often in men who spend so much time shaping and sculpting their bodies in the gym whilst forgetting entirely to shape their character; their individualism and their morals remaining pathetically empty and superficially soul-less.

Paradoxically narcissists spend the majority of their lives in a state of total self absorption yet remain entirely lacking in self awareness.  This is clearly because the process of becoming self aware not only requires a critical reflection of the self but also requires a deeper understanding of emotions, empathy and of interaction with other human beings;  The antithesis of narcissism.  A beautiful, spiralling irony.

" People's actions will tell you everything you need to know. "

Always.

The Brink.

I am teetering on the edge.

I look down- it's a big black hole, so deep I can't see where it ends.

I look back- there is noise, confusion, blue skies and storm clouds, faces, voices, shouts and laughter, excitement and fear. So much commotion that sometimes I'd just rather jump in and disappear into the blackness.

The only trouble is not knowing how long the freefall lasts, or where I land.

And the being alone.

Squats & Tarot: A normal Slinky afternoon.

Not content with being told my ass is, and I quote,

" ... not just a bum.  It's a f***ing creation of God that was meant for an angel..."

Misguided Over Enthusiastic Friend, 03/09/13

... I am undertaking a 30 day Squat Challenge throughout September.  I've got a little chart of Squats and Planks to complete each day with the quota for each increasing from 30 squats with a 20s plank on day 1, to 250 squats and 330s plank on day 30.  Pretty worried about day 30... but so far so good!

In other news, I had a Tarot reading in my break at work today.  I tend to lean to the side of "this is bullshit" with stuff like psychics etc, and I remain very sceptical, yet open minded to these sorts of things.  I've only had tarot cards read twice.  HOWEVER, on both occasions they have been VERY apt and relevant.  When I say this, I don't mean in a vague horoscope kind of a way, I mean in a quite specific way. I have to admit, it freaked me out a little.  The first time, I had been writing a business plan for my self employment and I got the same card three times despite shuffling and me trying to "lose" it lol... the card being that of business preparation and planning!

This time, my three cards were rather beautiful...

... and I was interested to find that each one was very specific to a few things going on for me at the moment. I won't go into them all here, but the one I will draw on was the last one which was about being successful in self employment (I currently have four commissions lined up! Most I've ever had) and a financial windfall. WOOOOOT.

I was especially impressed by my "Present" card which was a warrior lady with bear claws for hands, holding a sword.  She looks like she kicks ass.  Plus she's surrounded by all these weird beasts and creatures which could be both threatening or allies.  I love it. Very apt on many levels.