Stars.

"Supernova," Erin Hanson

Love this.

Tremors by SOHN

Vibrations of tremors that shook long ago
Tear holes in the fabric of all that we know

Can’t survive with the secrets we have
All that we have is a lie
Hold the line
Til the thread comes undone
If you’re thinking of letting me go then it’s time that you do

Flood lines we etched when we merged into one
Rewind and scroll on before they were done

If you’re thinking of letting me go then it’s time that you do.
Vibrations of tremors that shook long ago...

Untitled.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”
― Sylvia Plath

 

 

Some Songs.

One of my favorite times to listen to music is in the dark.  As a passenger in a car, travelling in the dark, it's an ideal space to shut myself away into an imaginary musical closet for a while. I was listening to this on the way home tonight...



It used to remind me of someone, used to mean something... it still does, but now for the right time, right person and for the right reasons.

Cue Bon Iver. Perfect song for my mood.

Skinny Love. Bon Iver.

Come on skinny love just last the year. 
Pour a little salt, we were never here. 
... Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer,

Tell my love to wreck it all,
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall.
... Right in this moment this order's tall.

And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines.

(Can you fill the silence?)

 

Bastille 09.03.13

It's been a while since I walked through Digbeth; a place of potholed streets and shabby chic, where the indie scene breathes through vintage shops and traditional crumbly brick pubs.  It was here I joined a queue of inappropriately dresssed young people to see Bastille.  I'd like to point out that although I am close enough to my disappearing youth to remember being 16, I am now old enough to appreciate an adequate number of layers when it's freezing outside.  I don't, therefore, consider wearing a coat to a gig at which I have to queue outside for about 40minutes to be too much of a hardship even if I do have to carry it while I'm in there. 

Once in the warmth of The (HMV) Institute, I joined the small crowd gathering near the stage.  It was only when the first distinctly average, but not overly offensive support act started to play that I realised I was stuck standing behind the worlds tallest man.  By the time the second act had started- a carbon copy of Florence and The Machine- again, not rubbish but entirely forgettable because it had all been done before, I realised I was standing next to a woman whose posterior seemed to have a circumference of saturns rings. At one point, she started dancing and if I hadn't been wedged in, I'm pretty sure I'd have been bounced out of the venue and back to the Bullring. 

The Tall Giant man kindly moved aside and I squeezed in to see the stage for the first time for Bastille's hour long set.  I've been a fan of theirs since I heard Flaws just over a year ago on Alex Baker's Kerrang show.  I have him to thank for Maybshewill and Awolnation also.  I think I have all their music, two albums being released for free by the band despite the sound quality being poor.  I'm always appreciative of originality in music wether I like it or not, especially these days because it's so rare.  I remember being struck by Bastille because I couldn't lable them, I couldn't fit them to a genre, and still can't really.  Their love of rythmn really speaks to me and as such I've been a fan of theirs from the get go.  I had been worried that Bastille wouldn't live up to my expectations live since they rely on a lot of digital layers but my concerns were proved wrong immediately.  On the contrary, they sounded fantastic and didn't disappoint.  They played an absolutely blinding set and I was glad to have caught them at a time when they were still humbled and dumbfounded by their newfound fame and success.  They struck me as down to earth and genuine.  It was even nice to see Dan's amazingly upright hair gradually flatten throughout the night.  A truly great night... with each song played met with mass enthusiasm from a young crowd.  I was just really pleased for them and happy to see truly fresh, creativity in the heart of Birmingham. 

 

"It is not enough to be dumbstruck"

My Pensieve.

Forgive me a momentary lapse.

I need to get a few things out and this is MY blog.  I was wary of posting about this, but I don't think I have need to anymore. It will make no sense to anyone but me.

I'm annoyed about a couple of things. People in fact. How did you guess?!

An Apology.

I feel a lot of the time that it's two steps forward and one step back.  I wrote very briefly about being hurt by someone last year.  It took a lot of effort to move past that; to really accept that a person can be so hugely different to how you first perceived.  I attempted on a couple of occasions to reconcile with this person in an effort to keep their friendship in my life- however it came back to bite me and I just wound up even more hurt.  I resigned myself to the thought that this person's hatred and spite was deep set, and no matter how unfair and unjust- I couldn't change their feelings.  I cut them off knowing I would never receive an apology nor any explanation of their cruel actions.  After a few lame attempts at getting in touch with me, which I ignored, a chance encounter with this person prompted a long overdue apology, albeit by text.  It's about all their tiny mind and it's equally miniscule emotional intelligence could muster I suppose.

This puts me in a quandry because immediately all the weight I had carried dispersed.  I will never get an explanation, but their apology made a difference, though I will always doubt it's validity.  It's a degree of closure from a particularly bitter element of last year and I feel I can finally put it behind me.  However, I feel like I'm betraying myself.  I felt so strongly about this person, so hurt and it took a lot of effort and energy to turn that hurt into enough dislike to cut them out... and it just went, in an instant, when they apologised.  This is a good thing, I'm sure... for me, and I'm glad that it's lifted a burden, however the hate I had been holding also protected me and now I'm without it, it feels strange.  I also get irritated by the thought that this pathetic apology gave THEM some sort of closure and that my absorption of this apology has somehow forgiven them.  This is not something they deserve, however I guess I need to be selfish and take the positives for myself, ignoring any impact it may have on them. I'll try.  Their punishment I guess, though I hate to say it because I inherently don't truly believe it, is that they lost my friendship and the chance to have me in their life.  I somehow have to convince myself that this is of detrement to them. Somehow.

Safety.

Someone gave me some good advice once.
"Learn to hate" they said. 
Silly, I thought at the time, because I frequently get described as a very angry person- or passionate if it's deemed as a compliment.  Sometimes I feel I have far far too much hate in me.  This same person, emphasized that I feel things strongly- all emotions, on a greater scale.  This was no news to me, however the news that other people didn't feel to the same depth is a relevalation I will always struggle with.  I find such people alien.  I find it frustrating that my emotions are rarely shared and I often feel that I give more than I receive; always in debt somehow.  But this is not something I can change, and I'm not entirely sure I want to. How I feel, makes me who I am. Good and bad. Anyway I digress. 
I was told to "learn to hate" someone who hurt me.  To protect me.  A barrier.  It worked.  And now I find I am having to do that once again.  Hate is a strong a word, but I'm having to put up the barriers, let it all go and surround myself with invisible barbed wire.  I guess that's why they say there's a fine line between love and hate- the propensity to get hurt is always greater, emotions are heightened.

I know I am pushing another friendship away... but this is what we have to do sometimes right? To not be hurt.  And it makes me angry ( I know, something I should be avoiding this year).  It makes me angry that the reasons I'm doing this are even more evident now; each day is further confirmation of why this is painfully necessary.  It makes me angry that this person has no concept of my hurt. It makes me angry that I've lost another friendship.  It makes me angry that someone I cared for, I now feel I don't know.  It makes me angry that they've let this happen.  It makes me angry that it's all gone because it's what they wanted. And it's making me question myself -doubt myself, question my personality, what I keep doing wrong, why I keep making the same mistakes- which again is making me anxious.  Likewise I am now questioning them- Did they lie? It feels like they did. It feels like the whole thing was a lie now. Did I get someone else wrong? Again!? Do they car? It would appear not. I will never know. It's easier not to.  Gut feeling vs assumptions vs words.  Words are easy to say.  Actions speak louder.

The less I think about it all the better.  This is one of those times where sticking your head in the sand is necessary, because eventually it WILL all go away and I won't care about any of it. That's what I need- to not care.

Everything works out better for people who just don't care.

Still Counting.

Volbeat. How have I missed out on these for so many years??! Pretty sure I should have been rocking out to these guys at Uni rock nights all those years ago... what a waste! Still, I found them now... and have just bought their 2010 album Guitar Gangsters and Cadillac Blood. 

 

 

" Counting all the assholes in the room
Well I'm definitely not alone, well I'm not alone
You're a liar, you're a cheater, you're fool
Well that's just like me yoohoo and I know you too
Mr. Perfect don't exist my little friend
And I tell you it again, and I do it again
Counting all the assholes in the room, Well I'm
definitely not alone, well I'm not alone

Look deep into yourself before you blame all others
for betrayal, for betrayal
I promise, so easy to say, and easy you failed,
and you do it again "

 

 



I *THINK* I've finally found a way of using my new cowon so that the artist files all show up in the right place but it's meant I've had to download a new music player, and therefore I know need to re-tweak all the sound settings which is annoying.  Still, if it means I can keep the player rather than sell it on ebay then I suppose we're all good.  Still annoyed and disappointed.

 

Happy to say that all the snow seems to have gone thanks to the sun and a bit of MUCH welcomed rain. 

 

I have a lot to say on here at the moment, just not sure I can, so I might get my old diary out and write some stuff out this week... but I'm still counting too...