Ring of Fire.

I have been deliberating for a while about selling my engagement ring. I was torn and found the idea of it just too upsetting but tonight... part of me just wants rid of it. It is and always was meaningless. It will be the only one I ever recieve, of that I am certain, but I no longer need it nor what it symbolizes.

Getting rid of it would be saying good riddance to a person who:

Destroyed my confidence.
Lied to my face.
Cheated on me.
Watched pornography.
Was selfish.
Took away my home and left me with nothing.
Was happy to mislead me in order for him to achieve the above.
Jumped into another girls bed in a matter of weeks after telling me it was over.
Frequently told me what a bad person I was.
Couldn't be arsed to support me when my mum got cancer.
Put his work before everything else.
Who is blind to his toxic family.
Who told me he loved me and continued sleeping with me while he lined up his next relationship.
Made me feel I was never enough.
Caused me to have to go through the lowest times in my life.
Continues to speak bullshit to protect his reputation.
Didn't allow me room to be sad.
Hated to be challenged.
Was elitist and politically right wing.
Was happy to destroy other peoples relationships.

And I'm hanging on to it why?

I'd rather have never had one at all and not have wasted 10 years on that fuck up.

Good riddance.

Unite.

MP's back Gay Marriage Bill

A small step forward and FINALLY something positive from our dictatorshi... sorry, Government.

Today, 400 MPs voted for fairness and equality, while 175 (a staggering but not unsuprising 140 of these were Tories) voted against it. 

Some of the arguments (if they can be called that) against this are nothing short of laughable. Some blatant homophobia. Some stemming from the dark ages. Some just spineless nonsense.  Anyone who has a problem with a member of my family doing something that I'm able to do, better have a damn good reason.

I'm glad and reassured that common sense has prevailed on this particular occasion, and while there's still a long road ahead, a small positive step has been taken.

Good news :-)

My Pensieve.

Forgive me a momentary lapse.

I need to get a few things out and this is MY blog.  I was wary of posting about this, but I don't think I have need to anymore. It will make no sense to anyone but me.

I'm annoyed about a couple of things. People in fact. How did you guess?!

An Apology.

I feel a lot of the time that it's two steps forward and one step back.  I wrote very briefly about being hurt by someone last year.  It took a lot of effort to move past that; to really accept that a person can be so hugely different to how you first perceived.  I attempted on a couple of occasions to reconcile with this person in an effort to keep their friendship in my life- however it came back to bite me and I just wound up even more hurt.  I resigned myself to the thought that this person's hatred and spite was deep set, and no matter how unfair and unjust- I couldn't change their feelings.  I cut them off knowing I would never receive an apology nor any explanation of their cruel actions.  After a few lame attempts at getting in touch with me, which I ignored, a chance encounter with this person prompted a long overdue apology, albeit by text.  It's about all their tiny mind and it's equally miniscule emotional intelligence could muster I suppose.

This puts me in a quandry because immediately all the weight I had carried dispersed.  I will never get an explanation, but their apology made a difference, though I will always doubt it's validity.  It's a degree of closure from a particularly bitter element of last year and I feel I can finally put it behind me.  However, I feel like I'm betraying myself.  I felt so strongly about this person, so hurt and it took a lot of effort and energy to turn that hurt into enough dislike to cut them out... and it just went, in an instant, when they apologised.  This is a good thing, I'm sure... for me, and I'm glad that it's lifted a burden, however the hate I had been holding also protected me and now I'm without it, it feels strange.  I also get irritated by the thought that this pathetic apology gave THEM some sort of closure and that my absorption of this apology has somehow forgiven them.  This is not something they deserve, however I guess I need to be selfish and take the positives for myself, ignoring any impact it may have on them. I'll try.  Their punishment I guess, though I hate to say it because I inherently don't truly believe it, is that they lost my friendship and the chance to have me in their life.  I somehow have to convince myself that this is of detrement to them. Somehow.

Safety.

Someone gave me some good advice once.
"Learn to hate" they said. 
Silly, I thought at the time, because I frequently get described as a very angry person- or passionate if it's deemed as a compliment.  Sometimes I feel I have far far too much hate in me.  This same person, emphasized that I feel things strongly- all emotions, on a greater scale.  This was no news to me, however the news that other people didn't feel to the same depth is a relevalation I will always struggle with.  I find such people alien.  I find it frustrating that my emotions are rarely shared and I often feel that I give more than I receive; always in debt somehow.  But this is not something I can change, and I'm not entirely sure I want to. How I feel, makes me who I am. Good and bad. Anyway I digress. 
I was told to "learn to hate" someone who hurt me.  To protect me.  A barrier.  It worked.  And now I find I am having to do that once again.  Hate is a strong a word, but I'm having to put up the barriers, let it all go and surround myself with invisible barbed wire.  I guess that's why they say there's a fine line between love and hate- the propensity to get hurt is always greater, emotions are heightened.

I know I am pushing another friendship away... but this is what we have to do sometimes right? To not be hurt.  And it makes me angry ( I know, something I should be avoiding this year).  It makes me angry that the reasons I'm doing this are even more evident now; each day is further confirmation of why this is painfully necessary.  It makes me angry that this person has no concept of my hurt. It makes me angry that I've lost another friendship.  It makes me angry that someone I cared for, I now feel I don't know.  It makes me angry that they've let this happen.  It makes me angry that it's all gone because it's what they wanted. And it's making me question myself -doubt myself, question my personality, what I keep doing wrong, why I keep making the same mistakes- which again is making me anxious.  Likewise I am now questioning them- Did they lie? It feels like they did. It feels like the whole thing was a lie now. Did I get someone else wrong? Again!? Do they car? It would appear not. I will never know. It's easier not to.  Gut feeling vs assumptions vs words.  Words are easy to say.  Actions speak louder.

The less I think about it all the better.  This is one of those times where sticking your head in the sand is necessary, because eventually it WILL all go away and I won't care about any of it. That's what I need- to not care.

Everything works out better for people who just don't care.

Nice guys really do finish last.

" Beware of Bull Sharks; They float in shallow waters.  Beware of Bullshit; it floats in shallow people".

 

One of the things about my place of work is that I can't get used to the culture or the people politics.  The work force I have found myself in is one full of egotists, compulsive liars, superficial, nasty, shallow, two faced ass holes.  The sad thing is, I'm starting to realise that this is exactly how you have to be to get ahead, to get by and possibly to be happy. 

 

I always thought of myself as a good judge of character, trusting my gut instinct with people; however as I've got older I don't always get a gut reaction to base anything on.  This is throwing me off track and now I'm slowly finding myself in a situation where I don't want to really trust anyone.  That's not a healthy place to be.  I'm unsure if this is unique to my line of work- I highly suspect it isn't, but the scary truth lurking in the background is - This might be what it's like to be an adult. 

 

It's a minefield. 

 

I have trusted too many people this year.  I have been too open, too willing to expect good in people.  I have been repaid with hurt, heartache, betrayal, lies and an overwhelming sense of being unable to tell the difference between friend and foe.  It makes me hesitant to trust people, even those my gut says I should.  I don't want to be this way.  Not at all.  However, as a headstrong, opinionated individual I find it frustrating that I frequently get made out to be an intolerant bitch for being passionate and voicing a strong opinion when actually, there are people out there who on a daily basis are far more worthy of derogatory name calling than I.  I am honest.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But I am true both to myself and others.  It would appear this is not the way to be and that screwing on your friends, using people, lying and having as many faces as a rubix cube, is widely accepted behaviour.

 

I have never seen myself as a doormat but this year I've felt like one a number of times.  Do I really have to be colder, nastier, less open, less trusting in the future to avoid getting hurt and feel happier?

 

Letters.

 

You two.  You two are made for each other.  Both spineless, shameless liars, hypocrites and game players.  Both shallow, and blindingly superficial.  I shan't sink to your level and falsely wish you happiness.  I genuinely don't.  I hope your egotism and vanity consumes any trace of the young, happy desire you currently feel leading you to a power struggle just as ugly and destructive as you are.  Keep playing your pathetic games and may you both get lost in your stagnant, fake worlds of smoke and mirrors.

 

 

 

You. You let me believe in you when you knew I shouldn't.  You are pathetic, ugly to the core, bitter, hateful, and a master of manipulation; A compulsive liar, a hypocrite, shallow and ultimately spineless; full of nothing but utter bullshit. You will always remain the nastiest person I have ever met.    

 

 

 

And you.  You have lacked strength.  You have many qualities but you show weakness when it ought to have mattered most.  Where were your poignant words when my integrity was brought into question?  Your loyalty wanes like your lust and love does.  I doubt the strength and validity of your feelings and therefore I doubt your self awareness and understanding of emotion.  Your fear of emotion is sad.  Your willingness to lose me- honest and blatant.  Your lack of actions speaks volumes.  THIS I trust more than your words now. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflections on 2012 pt 2: N, Where I end and You Begin...

In January, I left home.

My home.  It's almost indescribable how much I miss my house, and the walls where I encased my soul for a year.  However, I wasn't happy there.  At times it felt like a prison, and a place where I felt alone and unsupported by my partner of 8 years N. 

I met N 10 years ago at University.  We've had a tumultuous and stormy relationship from the outset but have carved a path through many trials and tribulations.  N is my soul mate and best friend.  I want to avoid cliches as they sound futile, however he is etched into my heart and always will be.  I love him deeply and have been sadenned to see sides of him I once knew and loved become lost to his career. 
He is driven and dedicated to his job.  His career literally means the world to him, and whilst I love what I do and put my all into it, it is not where my heart and soul lies.  I look to the arts, to friends, family and home life to make me happy and as we've grown into hard working adults our differing outlooks and priorities have become vastly apparant; to the extent where when I needed him most, when my Mum was diagnosed, I turned to find N largely pre-occupied with his job.  Emotional needs weren't being met and I felt pressured into appearing happy at a time when all I felt was sad, lost, confused and angry at life.

I will always love N.  A part of me longs desperately to go back to my old home, to N.  But I fear too much has now changed.  Everything I have mentioned in Reflections Pt 1 has happened without him- or with him in the distance.  He has never been too far away, which right now I am very glad about.   We've spoken every week, and met up like the old friends we used to be over the last few months.  I miss how we were.  I miss his companionship.  It's important to remember that amidst the stress and anger that engulfed is this time last year, that our relationship has been filled with laughing, closeness and a bond that can't be put into paragraphs in a blog.  He knows me.  Inside out.  All of me, my good parts, bad parts, all my flaws laid bare, and he still loves me for them... sometimes though, I fear he misinterprets my expressionist side and misunderstands my needs.

We've both had time. I've learnt a lot this year, both about myself and the situation I found myself in.  I have a new appreciation for what I had, for N and what he provided for me, but I've also grown and learnt a lesson in independence which has made me feel strengthened from within. 

I honestly don't know what next year holds for N and I.  Next year I will have to find my own place to live.  There's fear of more unknowns, but I feel equipped to cope.  I have no idea if what I am writing is a beginning or an ending; a prelude or an epilogue, whatever it is though, it's been a part of  a chaotic and emotive 2012 that I won't forget.