After a lovely holiday in Devon with the family with sea breezes, sunshine and lots of puppy time with my furry nephew Milo, our smiles were turned upside down by the news that my Grandma has been diagnosed with stomach cancer.
I went to see her in hospital on Sunday and she was still smiling and laughing but it was just heart-breaking to hear her say she had "too much to see before she goes". I've been thinking. It's made me so aware of everything she is going to miss. She said she wanted to see people get married- yet I fear she may miss my little sister getting married in the next year or two. It breaks my heart.
I've cried. I know how lucky I am to have four Grandparents still at the age of 32 but I am not used to having to deal with death as a result of that. I have been dreading this... and now it is before me... somewhere in the near future I will be losing my Grandma. I also hate seeing my Mum so upset. She has fought cancer, along with her sister. It robbed her of her time, energy and femininity five years ago and now yet again, she is faced with it taking away her mother. And as if that isn't cruel enough, if my Grandma lives past Christmas, she could pass away the same year that my Mother get's the all clear. Fucking cruel.
I've been angry. I deal with such evil and awful people day in and day out in my job, and yet this sweet, kind, quiet old lady gets this awful disease. It infuriates me. It's just not fair.
I know I have to be strong and face this, but it is hard.
I'm trying to support a friend in need at the moment and also trying to keep in contact with M while he is offshore for his next tour of duty. I miss him far more than I thought... but have managed to talk to him daily which helps. He has also sent me an amazing wood print of Birth Machine by HR Giger as a lasting memory of our first holiday together. It's the most amazing thing and it's made me more sure that I have to make this person happy and keep them close.
I know I can look at this situation two ways. My first thought was that just when I thought everything was falling into place and I find someone I love, this awful thing has happened and I am faced with losing someone I love. I am trying to think of this on it's head and say that I have found someone at a time when I will need them most.
Chin up. Keep smiling.
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Every Cloud...
So after three years, gathering dust in a drawer, I finally decided to take the plunge and sell my old engagement ring. The only sentiment it had to me after that time was that I suspect it will be my only engagement ring, however I see no point holding on to an empty memory of 10 years wasting my life with someone who gave so little. I sold it two weeks ago to a jeweller friend at work and I have to say... it was a big, positive step. I felt released. It made me realise that after heartbreak, comes rebirth.
In true Slinky style, I obviously put the money towards something altogether more meaningful and special... something that embodies a philosophy I believe in, and looks fucking awesome- Alexander McQueen. I could not be more chuffed with my new goodies. This beautiful silk scarf and bracelet symbolise moving forward and away from 10 years of wasted time and energy on someone unworthy.
A colleague asked me if I felt emotional about selling it, but no... no I didn't. I felt relieved and liberated from something bad. And the big wad of cash in my hand helped too. :) I only had one person who tried to make me feel guilty for my decision but I refuse. It's not me who gave in ultimately. It's not me who threw it away. So I can hold my head up high and move forward knowing I lost nothing and gained some better things that I love and which hold far more value to me.
They couldn't have arrived at a better time either - at a time when I've just got rid of two other toxic rats. No more toxicity. No more negative people. From now on- I only have room in my life for people worthy of my trust, respect and time. If you can't hack it- close the door on your way out.
And another one bites the dust
Oh why can I not conquer love?
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons
And I wanted it, I wanted it so bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade—it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade—it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Oh why can I not conquer love?
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons
And I wanted it, I wanted it so bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade—it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade—it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Slinky is back.
:)
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Buckle Up.
What. A. Week.
Monday was my first day in my new job. Talk about being thrown in at the deep end. As is typical of my organisation I literally rocked up on my first day, nervous as hell and was handed some numbers and told to pretty much get on with it. Fortunately there is another girl doing the same role who was equally as bewildered as I was. When I was taken to my first meeting on Monday afternoon expecting to have prepared a report and be able to deliver it to the meeting, I pretty much felt like I'd made a massive mistake in leaving the comfort and familiarity of my old team. As it turned out, there had been a cock up and the meeting was actually scheduled for that morning so I managed to escape certain embarrassment by delivering to a meeting that I had NO idea about.
Tuesday got worse, and I winded up emailing the Sgt who was overseeing the roll out of our jobs to different sectors to complain that we had effectively been left to do a job without any training or preparation. It fell on deaf ears, and Tuesday night I got home and cried, wanting to re-apply for my old job.
However, I think the breakdown did me good and cleared my head a little. Wednesday saw a slight improvement as I embraced the uncertainty and focussed on the good points of the role which include actually having just one job to focus on. On Thursday I delivered to my first conference and the feedback was that I sounded professional and precise which was amazing considering how nervous I felt.
I feel better about it... I think it will improve as I settle and feel more comfortable in the role. I need a few more meetings under my belt to get me used to the way they work. I know at some point there is going to be a confrontation due to the sensitive nature of the meeting, so that will be a new and challenging aspect to the role that I haven't experienced yet. Can't say I'm looking forward to that aspect but it's part and parcel of the work and can only improve the skills I already have.
The new job has been the sandwich filling nestled firmly between two large, soft and wonderfully tasty slices of awesomeness this week. On Monday night I went to see Extreme, straight after work, and having had ZERO sleep. Rock. AND. Roll. Extreme's 90's hair metal classic album Pornograffiti is one of the albums of my childhood- and yes I am aware how inappropriate that sounds - however the music itself is amazing, cheesy as hell, but amazing-feel-good cheese which warms my soul. I know every detail of the album inside out and one of my memories of it is playing it at my 7/8th birthday party much to the bemusement of my7/8 year old, flowery dress-adourned party invitees. Awesome. They were aging, but brilliant. As a 25th anniversary tour of the album, they played the FULL thing in its entirety. Nuno still looks FIT AS, despite approaching 50. Brilliant, I honestly haven't felt as happy as I did when I was singing away to "Hole Hearted" and I pretty much think I was mesmerised at one point by Nuno's solo- skills. Unbelieveble. And he makes it look so easy.
At the other end of the week - Friday night I went to see The Penguin Café Orchestra which again, is another childhood musical experience. The music reminds me of my Dad, and brings back so many cherished and happy memories of sitting as a family in the lounge, chatting, laughing and listening to the music all together. The concert was at The Lichfield Cathedral which couldn't have been a more acoustically perfect setting for the music. It sounded beautiful and just made my soul feel content and relaxed and happy. I'd seen them once before, and possibly preferred their first offering in terms of content, however I love how the guy who now runs the orchestra is the son of the original founding member, and he recalls how the music relates to his childhood from the time when I too remember first hearing it all. The parallels are as wonderfully fitting to me as the music is to it's own individual themes and concepts.
After such an emotionally charged and stressful week I've taken this weekend off any sculpture projects to recharge my batteries. Saturday was spent catching up with my two besties, N and Markuus, at the Fuse festival in Lichfield which consisted of sitting in a field drinking strawberry cider in the sunshine and listening to a number of acoustic sets and some good old fashioned sea shanties.
Today I've come to Nottingham to see family as I've spent so many of the last few weekends working on sculptures and commissions that I've not seen my Grandparents in months. Time is precious, and so I've ensured today is spent in their company. A roast is being prepared, and I look forward to spending an hour or two round the dinner table listening to my Grandad recount old stories and tales from his past, many of which I've heard before... but that I love hearing again and again nonetheless.
:-) Happy.
Monday was my first day in my new job. Talk about being thrown in at the deep end. As is typical of my organisation I literally rocked up on my first day, nervous as hell and was handed some numbers and told to pretty much get on with it. Fortunately there is another girl doing the same role who was equally as bewildered as I was. When I was taken to my first meeting on Monday afternoon expecting to have prepared a report and be able to deliver it to the meeting, I pretty much felt like I'd made a massive mistake in leaving the comfort and familiarity of my old team. As it turned out, there had been a cock up and the meeting was actually scheduled for that morning so I managed to escape certain embarrassment by delivering to a meeting that I had NO idea about.
Tuesday got worse, and I winded up emailing the Sgt who was overseeing the roll out of our jobs to different sectors to complain that we had effectively been left to do a job without any training or preparation. It fell on deaf ears, and Tuesday night I got home and cried, wanting to re-apply for my old job.
However, I think the breakdown did me good and cleared my head a little. Wednesday saw a slight improvement as I embraced the uncertainty and focussed on the good points of the role which include actually having just one job to focus on. On Thursday I delivered to my first conference and the feedback was that I sounded professional and precise which was amazing considering how nervous I felt.
I feel better about it... I think it will improve as I settle and feel more comfortable in the role. I need a few more meetings under my belt to get me used to the way they work. I know at some point there is going to be a confrontation due to the sensitive nature of the meeting, so that will be a new and challenging aspect to the role that I haven't experienced yet. Can't say I'm looking forward to that aspect but it's part and parcel of the work and can only improve the skills I already have.
The new job has been the sandwich filling nestled firmly between two large, soft and wonderfully tasty slices of awesomeness this week. On Monday night I went to see Extreme, straight after work, and having had ZERO sleep. Rock. AND. Roll. Extreme's 90's hair metal classic album Pornograffiti is one of the albums of my childhood- and yes I am aware how inappropriate that sounds - however the music itself is amazing, cheesy as hell, but amazing-feel-good cheese which warms my soul. I know every detail of the album inside out and one of my memories of it is playing it at my 7/8th birthday party much to the bemusement of my7/8 year old, flowery dress-adourned party invitees. Awesome. They were aging, but brilliant. As a 25th anniversary tour of the album, they played the FULL thing in its entirety. Nuno still looks FIT AS, despite approaching 50. Brilliant, I honestly haven't felt as happy as I did when I was singing away to "Hole Hearted" and I pretty much think I was mesmerised at one point by Nuno's solo- skills. Unbelieveble. And he makes it look so easy.
At the other end of the week - Friday night I went to see The Penguin Café Orchestra which again, is another childhood musical experience. The music reminds me of my Dad, and brings back so many cherished and happy memories of sitting as a family in the lounge, chatting, laughing and listening to the music all together. The concert was at The Lichfield Cathedral which couldn't have been a more acoustically perfect setting for the music. It sounded beautiful and just made my soul feel content and relaxed and happy. I'd seen them once before, and possibly preferred their first offering in terms of content, however I love how the guy who now runs the orchestra is the son of the original founding member, and he recalls how the music relates to his childhood from the time when I too remember first hearing it all. The parallels are as wonderfully fitting to me as the music is to it's own individual themes and concepts.
After such an emotionally charged and stressful week I've taken this weekend off any sculpture projects to recharge my batteries. Saturday was spent catching up with my two besties, N and Markuus, at the Fuse festival in Lichfield which consisted of sitting in a field drinking strawberry cider in the sunshine and listening to a number of acoustic sets and some good old fashioned sea shanties.
Today I've come to Nottingham to see family as I've spent so many of the last few weekends working on sculptures and commissions that I've not seen my Grandparents in months. Time is precious, and so I've ensured today is spent in their company. A roast is being prepared, and I look forward to spending an hour or two round the dinner table listening to my Grandad recount old stories and tales from his past, many of which I've heard before... but that I love hearing again and again nonetheless.
:-) Happy.
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