Dear Grandma

I miss you already. 

I am glad I got to say goodbye to you; you smiled at me through tired eyes which still sparkled as brightly as always.  I said I would see you tomorrow and I kissed you on the head and as you smiled back I knew you wanted to say that you wouldn't.  I did see you again Grandma.  I hope you heard me by your bedside comforting Grandad as we watched you sleep and slip away from us.  This all happened far too fast and none of us were ready for you to leave so soon. 

I have never wanted to imagine how this would feel.  It hurts.  It hurts to wake up and realise that I won't see you anymore.  It hurts to see Grandad so sad and lost without you.  It hurts to see Mum so heartbroken.  I will try my best to look after them for you.  Your house feels different and the world does not seem the same, but it will go on. 

Thank you for being such a lovely, gentle, kindhearted woman; always laughing.  You were still telling Grandad off for getting your age wrong right til your last day.  I hope you are at peace.  You did not deserve this.  

We miss you.

Grandma. Passed away 18th October 2015. 

Ticking Boxes.

It's been a while!

I've met someone.

I'd given up on meeting anyone to share my life with and was starting to accept that my life could be just as fulfilled and happy whilst on my own... and then I met M.

He has turned my life upside down.  There are so many things about him that are perfect for me.  I don't especially buy in to the whole- there is one perfect person for people, or that there are people out there made for each other... however, with M so much feels right.

For a start, he is a Pirate.  Well, not quite, but he works as a navigator at sea for five weeks at a time and he manages a crew of staff on board.

He works out.  He used to play rugby.  He has amazing shoulders and has the nicest, kindest eyes I have ever seen.  He likes rock music; he knows Eddies (my rock club).  He is caring and treats me like I actually mean something. He is intelligent, successful and grounded.  He is a gentleman, and he is the first real man I have met who is willing to actually earn my affections.

After our first proper date, he went out to sea.  We spoke every day for five weeks while he was away and we just find things to talk about.  It just falls into place.  When he came home, we had a day at the zoo (we both love animals); he took me to an amazing Michelin star restaurant in Birmingham which is just the best, most incredible meal I have ever had in my life.  He took me to the Royal Shakespeare Theatre for an amazing performance of Otherllo and he also crossed off one of my bucket list items by organizing a trip to Gruyere in Switzerland where the HR Giger museum is.  It was MIND-BLOWING.  Such a place of beauty being up in the mountains; fresh, crisp air, chocolate, cheese and just the best company I could have asked for.  It was just a perfect weekend.  We even had a huge storm on the first night for which we donned our rain macs and went and sat up in the castle grounds of Gruyere and watched the lightening lighting up the whole sky, mountains and valleys.  We were both in awe of it.  Gruyere was home to these amazing, rare little humming bird moths which I had great fun trying to photograph.  I managed to get an awesome photo of one too, which I am chuffed with.  We spent an afternoon in the perfectly decorated Giger Bar drinking cocktails, Absynthe and hot chocolate with meringues and cream ( a Swiss special) and loved every minute.  It feels right.  Finally.

After an amazing weekend, we spent Tuesday in Lincoln where M's new boat is moored.  It was great to see him so happy and smiling... and we're using the Marina as a neutral place for him to meet my folks next weekend before he heads back off-shore for his next five week tour of duty.

For the first time in a long long time- I may have finally found someone worthy of my heart and trust and love.

Happy :-)

Holly.

A small red cheery berry and a dark green spikey leaf that hurts.

It's Christmas. 

Despite the normal grumbles about commuting in potential snow... December is usually my favourite time of the year. This year however it feels somewhat muted.  I'm trying so hard to stay positive and enjoy it but I can't help feeling that I'm simply not as jolly this year.  Perhaps it's just because of the events of the last six months, or just a general fatigue from being overworked ... I'm not sure... but I've struggled to maintain the usual excitement and this has affected my ability to plan and prepare for the holiday season too. 

I've normally done all my shopping and got it wrapped under a strictly colour-co ordinated Christmas tree. I haven't. I only just finished my shopping this morning and have yet to have things delivered, wrapped and ready.  My presents seem a bit hap-hazard and the ones I've made I'm not incredibly pleased with either; I've scrapped one handmade one, and have three more to complete.  I've wrapped what I do have... a mishmash of Christmas wrapping paper and ribbons from previous years which are usually perfectly planned and co ordinated. I've just had to make do, unwilling to put the full effort and money into the usual standards I achieve.  This is pretty much a summary of where I am in my life.  Caught in between lots of things and not really completely together. But that's ok.  

Despite all this... it's not all gloom.  I've had some lovely festive outings already with some tasty cocktails and good company; a trip to the German market and sampling some Brum pubs; and have a few more before the end of the year.  I've not spent a ridiculous amount of money and needing to save for Christmas has meant I've had some cosy weekends in sculpting instead of spending money on alcohol.  I'm also back in touch with a friend I thought I lost this Christmas. You've got to be grateful for small things.

I'm sure the December reflections will be there, niggling, in the back of my mind for some time... but I'm trying to keep my focus on what is important.  Whatever happens next year is next year, for now, sit back, enjoy the family, friends and Christmas cheeriness in people's eyes... and try to relax. If nothing else, two weeks off will be much needed to replenish and kick back.

Ring of Fire.

I have been deliberating for a while about selling my engagement ring. I was torn and found the idea of it just too upsetting but tonight... part of me just wants rid of it. It is and always was meaningless. It will be the only one I ever recieve, of that I am certain, but I no longer need it nor what it symbolizes.

Getting rid of it would be saying good riddance to a person who:

Destroyed my confidence.
Lied to my face.
Cheated on me.
Watched pornography.
Was selfish.
Took away my home and left me with nothing.
Was happy to mislead me in order for him to achieve the above.
Jumped into another girls bed in a matter of weeks after telling me it was over.
Frequently told me what a bad person I was.
Couldn't be arsed to support me when my mum got cancer.
Put his work before everything else.
Who is blind to his toxic family.
Who told me he loved me and continued sleeping with me while he lined up his next relationship.
Made me feel I was never enough.
Caused me to have to go through the lowest times in my life.
Continues to speak bullshit to protect his reputation.
Didn't allow me room to be sad.
Hated to be challenged.
Was elitist and politically right wing.
Was happy to destroy other peoples relationships.

And I'm hanging on to it why?

I'd rather have never had one at all and not have wasted 10 years on that fuck up.

Good riddance.

The Test.

 The day has come to test these two Ice Cream Behemoths...

 

 

 

It was with great trepidation that I picked up that spoon.  This was the moment.  Some 8/9 years since had passed before Minter Wonderland had entered my mouth on it's shiney, silver steed. I've been used to Haagen Dazs for the last few years, it stepping in to fill the void left behind Minter Wonderlands epic wake.  I know the taste of Haagen Dazs now, as if it is part of my own body.  And yet, here, armed with my weapon-like spoon, I plunged back into the past to see if the lasting memory of this frozen creamy-dream lived up to the reality.

 

I have to say, I was surprised with the results. 

 

I can officially announce that Minter Wonderland... is NOT tastier than it's rival. 

 

Mint Leaves... the Ice Cream is creamier, tastier with more depth of mintiness flavour, and there is more chocolate per spoonful.  It also seems to melt quicker in the mouth. 

 

Minter Wonderland lacked that punch.  It's Ice Cream tastes blander in comparison, and although the chocolate chunks are "meatier" there are fewer of them in the tub it would appear.  It's not as minty or as refreshing to the pallet.

 

It looks like Haagen Dasz has surpassed Minter Wonderland... had it not been for Minter Wonderland's initial demise prior to Mint Leaves being marketed, I feel I would have made the switch regardless.  It would appear that Minter Wonderland only retained it's mantle in my heart and mind due to it's unavailability, a lost treasure, the memory of which appears to have been greater than truth. 

 

And now, Mint Leaves can take it's rightful place... the consistent provider who didn't abandon me can now bathe in it's glorious defeat of the old ruler of the minty dessert Kingdom.  All hail... the worlds best Ice Cream... Mint Leaves and Chocolate! 

Closing Time.

Well, I just finished my last day at work.  I've been dreading it to be honest.  Since my job was confirmed I've actually found it really hard to get excited about my new post- mainly because the reality of leaving my team, my friends, my family for the last three years, was just really quite painful.  Not a day has passed when I haven't laughed myself into oblivion at work, and I really will miss that the most.  I've genuinely not wanted to leave and I've even questioned if I've made the right move because of how much I've enjoyed my time there.  However, I need to remember the reasons I went for this, there were plenty of days I felt stressed and tired, and there's very limited room for growth in that post.  I'd mastered what I could and simply wasn't getting paid anything near enough for the time and energy I gave the role. 

I will miss my team so much but I'm well aware that having moved teams twice in the past, the mini heartache won't last long.  I shed a few tears today, as did a few others.

I had a lovely send off despite my Gaffa and Sarge not being around for it.  I had a nice little collection of pressies including a lovely necklace (below), Good Luck balloon, champers, bottle of Jack, choccies and a choc orange, plus a little bit of drinking money.

As sad as today has been, I actually feel better about the prospect of my new job now that the tears have passed.  I feel more ready and like I can actually focus on my new opportunity.  The commute will suck ass, and the banter *may* not be quite the depraved, debauched hilarity of the OMU, but I am sure my new team will become my new family and if they don't ... well then I can keep moving forwards.

Onwards and Upwards.  Bring on the new challenge...

Piggy.

Nine Inch Nails on Sunday night was, as expected, EPIC.  The gig was a more meaty than their Belfast gig last year.  It was less about playing the classics and crowd-pleasers and more about blowing minds.  If you were new to Nine Inch Nails (unlikely) I can imagine it was a bit of a baptism by fire.  It was unbelievable: perfect sound coupled with a blinding, awe-inspiring lighting performance and staging.  Favourites of the night were Disappointed, a brilliantly haunting version of Sanctified, The Great Destroyer (which is immense through decent earphones; practically hypnotic and made my heart race; gave me goosebumps live) and a superb Piggy.

 

 

 

I know I'm biased, because in my eyes (ears?) pretty much everything Trent Reznor touches turns to gold, however this music just feels like my insides; how my soul feels.  It's just fucking awesome. 

 

"Piggy"Hey pig,
Yeah you.

Hey pig, piggy, pig, pig, pig
All of my fears came true.
Black and blue and broken bones,
You left me here; I'm all alone.
My little piggy needed something new.

 Nothing can stop me now,
'Cause I don't care anymore.
Nothing can stop me now,
  'Cause I just don't care.

Hey pig,
Nothing's turning out the way I planned.
Hey pig,
There's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand.
What am I supposed to do? I lost my shit because of you. 

 

Nothing can stop me now,
'Cause I don't care anymore.
Nothing can stop me now,
  'Cause I just don't care.

 

Oh god. Perfect.

Storm.

I feel good.

What a beautifully, refreshing day of laziness I've had.

It's been warm... the sun has tried to nudge it's way through the clouds. It's close, humid, like there is a storm bubbling... or maybe that's residual energy from last night's bizarre conversations.

I had an apology yesterday. 

Unexpected and out of the blue. 

This has happened twice to me in the last two years... the former was perhaps more necessary than the latter... but at least it came. It's small... sometimes a bit insignificant but it helps to know that I'm not completely crazy and people are capable of self awareness.

I've surprised myself by accepting both.  I can be pretty hateful when hurt.  Time passes and you realise you are better off anyway, but an apology is still welcome from some.

I wish these people well- genuinely- despite them playing no further part in my life.

People are in your past for a reason. 

More so if you're a lying, manipulative, egotistical, illogical, unapologetic c*nt who deserves nothing but disdain.  Your word dear- it is, I must say, perfect.  May it echo in your shallow brain for eternity. I wish you nothing. You deserve it;  Fucking people about, lying wherever you go and being proud of it... you have bigger problems than you will ever realise.  Good luck to whoever you're currently conning into believing you're a decent human being.  Undoubtedly the most regrettable person I have ever trusted and thought I knew... I still remain shocked at just how incredibly wrong I was.  Almost a year since we spoke... a letter that will never get read... will now burn.

What goes around comes around.

I am better, stronger, sharper, greater.  I am in a good place right now.  Refreshed after an intense, stressy month all I needed was one day to catch up on sleep, rest my head and focus. An apology from someone who means little to me now, but still cared enough to say it.  Closure.

Good things are happening for me... changes are coming... and I am excited...

Time Out.

I had another long weekend this weekend.

I like them.

Especially when I get to go on mini road trips to mystery locations!

This weekend I was taken up to Newcastle for a lovely stay in a nice secluded hotel, lots of good food in good restaurants, some fresh air, a walk to a waterfall, a walk along the beach, lots of photographs both SLR and phone, and just a general good chillax.  It was awesome and I loved every second of it.

Sadly it was only three nights and work has speedily brought me back down to earth with a bump.  With my colleague off sick I am SWAMPED, and I'm also completing three job applications which these days doesn't just span to filling out a form (which takes long enough in itself!) but having to undergo mini training sessions and application prep work with numerous other departments for a job you might not even get an interview for! I have meetings coming out my ears.  I am trying desperately to research three different postings and complete application forms for all three whilst completing my regular duties and that of my absent colleague (for which I am untrained and largely at a loss!).

In addition to this I have a deadline FAST approaching for my next wedding topper commission so I NEED to spend a weekend doing that.  I have created a secondary twitter account for my sculpting sideline which has so far been a success.  I'm trying (and failing) to keep in contact with buddies both locally and otherwise but currently feel stretched timewise and after just two days back I think I am ready to take another holiday! Luckily, we have some bank holidays approaching and they can't come soon enough!

It's just all happening at the moment, in a good way I guess, which means time FLIES by and pretty much seems to  take your money flying out the window with it! I have two outstanding bills, a holiday to pay for and the sorry looking dregs of an emptied out bank account after a busy month of too much partying and far too much "Work Hard, Play Hard".

Narcissus.

Ah sweet sweet justice.

There is something uncompromisingly ugly about anyone who's vanity overspills into narcissism.  I see this most often in men who spend so much time shaping and sculpting their bodies in the gym whilst forgetting entirely to shape their character; their individualism and their morals remaining pathetically empty and superficially soul-less.

Paradoxically narcissists spend the majority of their lives in a state of total self absorption yet remain entirely lacking in self awareness.  This is clearly because the process of becoming self aware not only requires a critical reflection of the self but also requires a deeper understanding of emotions, empathy and of interaction with other human beings;  The antithesis of narcissism.  A beautiful, spiralling irony.

" People's actions will tell you everything you need to know. "

Always.

Where I End And You Begin.

As a person, an individual... I am complete.

I know me. I know my mind.  I know my body. I know how I work, why I work.

I know what I agree with, and what I don't.  I know why I do or don't.  And I know that I have equal amounts of passion for both these things.

I know my faults, there are many.  But I also know my strengths and can finally be proud of those which are considered to be both.

I've known extreme heights and extreme lows; I've been to the ends of my emotions in exploration and both been in awe and fear of their immense scope, scale and depth. With this comes balance and knowledge, care and empathy.

I am so sure of who I am; what has made me... and why I am. I'm a whole; balanced in my opinions, strengths and weaknesses. It's taken me a long time but I am getting to be more comfortable with this. Or more, that I care less how all the things that make me are perceived by others.

Because of all of this... it's hard for me to admit : This whole person is missing something.

My soul, my heart or that bit of us that we can never really place but just seems to emanate from inside... it needs a companion.

For the times I feel less strong, feel ugly, weak or alone... I need that second soul who shares my own and accepts it for all it is.  It's a sad thought that I may never have that again.  It's an emptiness that I can't shake. 

When I was a child, I remember getting an overwhelming feeling of upset when I found a lost toy in the street.  I forget what it was, yet I remember the feeling- and I felt so sad that I welled up that some child, just like me, had lost it's companion and was unlikely to be reunited*. Two things that were once one, were now apart, broken and imperfect in their separation. Out of balance, out of sync and lost from the shared harmony they once endured.

That feeling right there... is how that part of my inside feels; and potentially how it might always feel despite how "okay" my life may be.

I am incomplete in my absence of another; a soul mate.

An uncomfortable, saddening contrast for someone who prides oneself on being individual, unique and a whole.

"You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

Oscar Wilde.




*1. This is why I hate losing things.  2. Empathy comes naturally to me. 3. As does sentimentality.

Wide Eyed.

Well there's a week I am glad to see the back of.  It was the David Cameron of weeks.

I could say that it was a week of losses.  But I'm not going to. 

A "close friend" who I have known since Uni has cut me out their lives for reasons I will go into in another post when I can be arsed to process it all.

Another idiot revealed their true selves also.  I welcome the clarity that these two very different situations have provided. As of last year, I declared not to give two fucks about anyone who doesn't do the same for me. And that's going to be the attitude I stick with throughout 2014. So for anyone else who wants to exit my life, I'll be holding the door wide open for you ready to close and lock it on your way out. I'm not even angry... I no longer have anything but apathy for people who leave and a grateful respect for the few honest, genuine friends who remain of greatest importance in my life.

The only true, real loss from this week has been the death of my Grandad's sister, my Auntie Thelma.  Naturally I'm most worried about the effect this might have on my Grandad, as the last remaining one of his family. It must be hard and with him being a big part of my life from a very young age, I can't imagine him any other way than happy. I will be going with him to the funeral on Friday.

Since last Monday, when all the shit kicked off with friend Z I haven't slept properly.  I think I've probably had a total of about five hours sleep over the last seven days.  Any modicum of sleep I have been getting has been full of very odd dreams and then awaking with a terrible headache which feels like someone has taken a lump hammer to my frontal lobe.  The two hours I got last night before I woke up with a start and had an immediate nosebleed was a welcome relief! I've got 6 closely rationed Zopiclone tablets for when I get incredibly desperate. Because of the insomnia, my appetite has gone out of whack, and because of my mucus filled lungs (which are showing no sign of recovery) I haven't been to the gym in over a week either.  Needless to say by Thursday night I was a mess, and winded up booking an emergency flexi day to recover and kick-start my week off work. 

I'm hoping the impending week off will replenish my depleted, weary mind and body as I feed it with good company, cinema, vitamins, gym and sculpture projects. I have lots planned, I just need to feed my body and soul with sleep, food and good music so I have the energy to do it all. 

The coming week will be my week of replenishment.  I can't bloody wait.

2014 Resolutions

1.  Take more Photographs.  Both Phone and Real.

2.  Keep in my life only those who want to be in it; who give me as much back as I give.  Cut out people who can't be bothered and bring nothing but negativity.  Do not accept time wasters who sap energy.

3.  Create. See. Do. Make. I've put this as one because it's all about inspiration. I need to make time to get back to my creative roots. Remove superficiality and enjoy more "real stuff".

4.  Cut Down Spending on things I don't need. See above about superficiality. This will mostly be governed by crippling rent and bills.

5.  Maintain gym work and improve lung capacity for cardio.

6.  Career Development. Seek new opportunities.

7.  Go to see Maybeshewill.

Came Back Haunted

And now the come down.

On wednesday morning I was sitting in Birmingham Airport awaiting my flight to Belfast to see Nine Inch Nails. It's hard to believe that it was a whole three days ago!

 

After checking into the hotel which was a stones throw from Chapter House Square where the gig took place, N and I went and got food in a nice little gastro-pub round the corner. We started queuing shortly after to ensure we got a good spot.  And I have to say I got THE BEST spot I have EVER EVER had at a gig.  Running down one side of the big courtyard where the crowd gathered, was a "VIP" area which was raised up about three feet. People had paid an extra tenner for the privilige but I would suggest it was debatable wether it was worth it.  Running along this was the normal security barriers which come with handy steps for security to step onto to lift people over.  This would become my position for the night.  I sat on the ledge for the first two bands, both of whom where better than anticipated- local bands Little Matador and And So I Watch You From Afar. I was particularly impressed by the latter who sounded like a more lively Maybeshewill, with tinges of Steve Vai.  I've yet to check out their albums, as I expect they may sound better live than on Cd. We managed to make an aquaintence of a strange character from Canada called Darren who flitted between seeming like a harmless, lonely drunk to being slightly dark and a bit mysterious.  However, when the music started, his attentions were quite rightly focussed on his idols.

 

It rained a bit, but fortunately I had my trusty cardigan with the goblin hood to keep the rain off, and so I took my position in anticipation of Nine Inch Nails coming on stage.  I could see the whole stage and was close enough to see the bands faces- including the face of the GENIUS Mr Reznor, the whole crowd in front, aside and to the back of me... it was immense.  And then it just all happened.  I was just elated and enthralled through out the whole set, taking photo's and videos without getting knocked about.  I just soaked every second of it up. 

Highlights for me were Copy of A which was their opening track- the energy from the stage and crowd was just epic; Closer and Hurt.  Hurt was just incredible- hearing the crowd singing along in the darkness... I felt quite emotional and just about managed to stop myself welling up like a total saddo.

The night was finished off with a NIN themed Guiness and a JD and Coke in the hotel before retiring to rest our weary heads and prepare for the post-gig come down.  Whilst I am THRILLED to have seen them, I am running out of "Bands to see before I die".  I only have one (kindof) left- A Perfect Circle/Puscifer and I have a feeling I will have to travel a little bit further afield to see one of those two as they rarely tour, let alone outside of America.

The day after the gig, we had a couple of hours to kill before our flight home so we took a look round the new Titanic museum.  Wierd building, but fairly decent inside, however in my opinion they should have made more of the tradgedy and focussed on the mass death a bit more, not in a morbid way you understand, but more to get an idea of the scale of the disaster.  Understandably, they focussed it on the building and construction, as the museum stands on the docks where the Titanic was built. I dunno- maybe I just prefer a bit more punch and drama in my museum excursions. Hehe.

The Big News.

I have been dropping clues in my titles the last few blog posts as to what my big news is...

This is going to massively underwhelm (is that possible- to MASSIVELY underwhelm?) a lot of people... however, those who know me well will appreciate why this news is big. To me.

Something life changing occured.  And all I have to show for it both before and after will be a bit of paper. 

There are a few bands that I love... those that leap out as all time favourites are the likes of Radiohead (seen them twice), The Deftones (seen once), System of a Down (seen once).  There's a few others I HAVE to see before I die- A Perfect Circle or Puscifer to complete my TOOLkit (gettit??? lol) and of course... the amazing ... Nine Inch Nails.

I missed them many years ago, I think it was my first year of Uni when they last toured and I missed them perform in Birmingham.  I idiotically only realised they were playing on the day they performed and couldn't go.  This year, they're performing at Reading and Leeds, and I was toying with the idea of paying a stupid amount of money on a day ticket, a hotel and a very long car journey to see them.  This would have cost me well over £200 all in.  HOWEVER, they are ALSO playing in a tiny little town called Belfast in August... and I've ONLY BLOODY WELL GONE AND GOT TICKETS!!!!
Fuck.  I am RIDICULOUSLY excited about this.  It's meant a hotel and flights, but even with the tickets it's cost about £130.  This is a lot, however, this gig is going to be epic for me.

There's been a few gigs where I've just experienced absolute awe.  I was immersed in it standing in front of Martin Grech, and the times I saw Radiohead and System of a Down, even Tool, ... I've just been completely, utterly in awe, almost on a complete other plain as I just breathe in and absorb the gig experience.  Trent Reznor is like the Pope is to Catholics, without the paeodophilia, corruption, obscene hyppocrisy and religion.  He is more than that, a genius, everything he touches turning to liquidy, ear-nectar.  I can well imagine this gig is going to be one of those momentous gigs that I will never forget. 

The gig is on the 21st of August. I'm counting down the days via the below worm...

Love. By Neil Gaiman.

I love this man.

Thin Mint Ice.

In 2005, this happened...

... this Ice Cream was monumental. 

It was THE best Ice Cream I had ever EVER tasted.  I loved it.  I bought it weekly as my Saturday treat.  It was my paradigm shift in the world of Ice Cream, changing my conceptions of cream based, icy food forever.

No less than a few months after Minter Wonderland shone light upon my tastebuds... Ben & Jerrys condemned it to  the Ice Cream graveyard and stopped selling it.  For a few months I checked supermarkets in the vain hope of finding a stray tub- to no avail.  I was never to see or taste this Ice Cream again. 

It took me many years to get over this- in fact I'm not sure I have forgiven Ben & Jerrys yet for their cruelty.  No Mint Ice cream was ever going to compare...

and then, a few weeks ago, by sheer chance, this happened...

... Oh. My God.  Mint Leaves and Chocolate.  The years of Ben & Jerry's heartbreak ended as I slipped that smooth cold spoon of icy, minty goodness into my mouth.  That Ice Cream and my tongue were meant to be together, united, in perfect harmony.  I never thought anything would taste as good as Minter Wonderland... but this, completely surpassed my expectations.  Years of empty, flavourless, dull, boring utterly CRAP mint choc chip Ice Cream melted away and my life felt complete once again.

I consumed two tubs... and then the fear of this amazing happiness-in-a-tub being taken away from me took over.  The next couple of days I visited Sainsbugs AND Tesco and noted they didn't appear to have any of my Ice Cream left- this could be both good and bad.  Maybe stocks are just low because it's new...  "Don't panic" I thought, lets check online.  To my horror, my ice cream was now only being stocked in Waitrose and Ocado.  That's okay... we are fortunate to live near two Waitrose supermarkets.  The larger of these stores, had just three tubs in stock.  I bought all three.  They are safe in my freezer.

However, my love affair is, I fear, to be short lived.  I stopped by a smaller Waitrose this afternoon on my way home from work in the hope of stocking up on a few more tubs.  I scoured the shelves of the Ice Cream freezers- There were none.  There wasn't even a label for them.  That familiar feeling returns... my ice cream is slowly but surely slipping out of my grasp once again. 

There are still supplies... online mainly.  I'm considering whether my addiction is worthy of ordering a few more tubs- potentially having to pay for delivery.  Just how far will I go to get this Ice Cream?  Is there such a thing as black market ice cream dealer where I can fuel my habit? Perhaps the local Mr Whippy van could strike up some sort of deal... Yes, desperate times.

I still have my three tubs...these will now be subject to STRICT rations.  It's going to be a sad, emotionally tough day when I spoon out the last scoop from my last tub.

So fleeting... so passionate... and then it's over... so suddenly. 

The world of Ice Cream is a cruel, cruel place.   

Gym and Chocolate Bars.

So last week, I was spontaneously bought two chocolate bars- one from an alleged sex pest who bought me a big galaxy bar from the Asda Ooops! section marked down TWICE to 25p then 20p; and one from a new chum of mine who is like an intriguing cross between The Mad Hatter and Christopher Walken.  Day one into the week and I have already been bought a big bag of Cadburys Caramel Nibbles- this time by a nice chap and new chum who was thanking me for the nice, hot cup of tea I had waiting for him following his meeting.  Score!!!

In stark contrast to this increase in chocolate-y goodness, I have been going to the gym now a couple of times a week for the past two and a half weeks.  I have found a new love for Rowing which I really seem  to enjoy as it doesn't tire me out too quickly but gives both my arms, legs and lungs a decent enough work out.  I'm also becoming more confident at using the various weight bearing machines to build up my muscles and strength.  All in all, I am really enjoying it.  I just want my overall fitness to improve so I can really get stuck in- at the moment I have a few concerns with my heart rate which will hopefully get better with time.  I miss punching though and am hoping to enrol on a combat class in the coming weeks. 

This reminds me- Following Friday in the gym, I had a night in watching Silver Linings Playbook on Saturday night.  It was a good film, despite a few concerns to the contrary at the start, but during the first half hour of the film, I noticed my heart rate was racing.  I ignored it at first, but I started to get concerned when I felt really short of breath.  Trying not to worry, I timed my pulse and my heart rate was a whopping 95 beats per minute- RESTING!!!! I was getting worried when an hour into the film, my heart rate hadn't decreased, and I decided that I may need to get on the phone to NHS direct to ask for some advice or seek medical help.... 

....  It then dawned on me- that beneath my skinny jeans, I had on my thickest,winter-iest, super-warm, woolley tights. 

Genius.  I'd been sitting there effectively cooking myself for an hour and a half, panicking that I was having some sort of heart failure, when in fact I was just hot.  Oh god, can you imagine the ambulance men turning up with the defibrillator to find me sat there in a jumper, and woolley tights UNDER my skinny jeans like a loon.  Once, removed, I was thoroughly relieved to find that my heart rate decreased to a far more manageable and less worrying 70 bpm. 

It really is a wonder how I've lasted 30 years. 

The Eraser.

Slate wiped clean.

A clear out is always good for the soul. 

I'm sentimental- and as such I hang on to little things that mean a lot to me.  I had a clear out of messages, little images and drawings from people who are no longer in my life.  The last few months have taught me a lot about who are friends and who are mere acquantainces.  I no longer need attachments to acquantainces, particularly those who so easily forget me and don't even so much as send a card for my 30th.  I hang on to too many things, both good and bad.  My phone was full of photos, little drawings and things that once made me smile- yet they meant less to the sender than they did to me, and there's little point hanging on to those things when the sender is long gone. 

I feel better for it.  I feel stronger.  Knowledge, even the harshest lessons, are always worthwhile. 

I'm ready and smiling again.

Semi-Charmed Kinda Life.

One of my earliest memories is of me spending hours looking at my Mum's charm bracelet. I remember it as a big, chunky, treasure of silver which used to jangle a lot.  I would love looking at all the tiny details on each individual charm and hearing my Mum tell me the story behind it- where the charm was bought and for what occasion.  Some of the charms opened- she was bought a little church one when she got married, which opened to reveal a tiny little silver bride and groom inside.  I loved it- and it still sits in my Mum's jewellery box.  It's full of stories and memories, and paints a picture of my Mum's personality and life in tiny little silver pendants.

 

I was bought a charm bracelet for my 20th birthday and it was soon filled with little charms that summed me up perfectly.  It's a beautiful thing and whilst I don't wear it often in fear of losing some of them, I would be devastated if I ever lost it.  I love that it is unique to me, the places I've been, the things I love and find funny.  There's a little camera, artist pallet and handcuffs (bought before I joined the Police I might add!); there's also a spider on a web to mark my insane fear of spiders and a pumpkin containing a tiny mouse, because of my love for Halloween and Tim Burton.  There's a squirrel (Uni chums will get this), a graduation charm, a pirate flag, a chequered flag for my love of motor racing and a little Shakespeare as people who know me well know I love Stratford Upon Avon on a sunny day in Summer.  There are charms from the Peaks, Lakes and Cornwall denoting some of my favourite places in the UK. There is also a butterfly- a symbol for something that only about three people in my life know about.  My old bracelet is shown below in the first two pictures.

 

 

My charm bracelet has been full up for about five years.  While my Mum's was filled slowly over many years, mine was filled in about five, such is my love for completing things I've started!

However, this year for my thirtieth, my work colleagues clubbed together to get me a new charm bracelet- one of the new Pandora charm bracelets, shown in contrast in the last picture. 
The style of these bracelets are far more commercial and slightly less unique; Pandora shops are all the same, carrying the same stock and there's no little pirate ships or pumpkins- the old style charms you can pick up from quirky little jewellers and you can always find ones you've never seen before, even now, if you know where to look. I actually love that I've been bought a new one to start a new chapter.  Perhaps this one will be filled more steadily, and while the charms may be slightly less unique, each one will have a meaning as to when they were bought, by whom etc.  More subtle maybe, more understated as I guess my thirties may be- and that's no bad thing either!

Here's to a new chapter of charms.  :)