Tying Knots.

After a lovely holiday in Devon with the family with sea breezes, sunshine and lots of puppy time with my furry nephew Milo, our smiles were turned upside down by the news that my Grandma has been diagnosed with stomach cancer.

I went to see her in hospital on Sunday and she was still smiling and laughing but it was just heart-breaking to hear her say she had "too much to see before she goes".  I've been thinking.  It's made me so aware of everything she is going to miss.  She said she wanted to see people get married- yet I fear she may miss my little sister getting married in the next year or two.  It breaks my heart.

I've cried.  I know how lucky I am to have four Grandparents still at the age of 32 but I am not used to having to deal with death as a result of that.  I have been dreading this... and now it is before me... somewhere in the near future I will be losing my Grandma.  I also hate seeing my Mum so upset.  She has fought cancer, along with her sister.  It robbed her of her time, energy and femininity five years ago and now yet again, she is faced with it taking away her mother.  And as if that isn't cruel enough, if my Grandma lives past Christmas, she could pass away the same year that my Mother get's the all clear.  Fucking cruel.

I've been angry.  I deal with such evil and awful people day in and day out in my job, and yet this sweet, kind, quiet old lady gets this awful disease.  It infuriates me.  It's just not fair. 

I know I have to be strong and face this, but it is hard.

I'm trying to support a friend in need at the moment and also trying to keep in contact with M while he is offshore for his next tour of duty.  I miss him far more than I thought... but have managed to talk to him daily which helps.  He has also sent me an amazing wood print of Birth Machine by HR Giger as a lasting memory of our first holiday together.  It's the most amazing thing and it's made me more sure that I have to make this person happy and keep them close. 

I know I can look at this situation two ways.  My first thought was that just when I thought everything was falling into place and I find someone I love, this awful thing has happened and I am faced with losing someone I love.  I am trying to think of this on it's head and say that I have found someone at a time when I will need them most. 

Chin up. Keep smiling.

Ticking Boxes.

It's been a while!

I've met someone.

I'd given up on meeting anyone to share my life with and was starting to accept that my life could be just as fulfilled and happy whilst on my own... and then I met M.

He has turned my life upside down.  There are so many things about him that are perfect for me.  I don't especially buy in to the whole- there is one perfect person for people, or that there are people out there made for each other... however, with M so much feels right.

For a start, he is a Pirate.  Well, not quite, but he works as a navigator at sea for five weeks at a time and he manages a crew of staff on board.

He works out.  He used to play rugby.  He has amazing shoulders and has the nicest, kindest eyes I have ever seen.  He likes rock music; he knows Eddies (my rock club).  He is caring and treats me like I actually mean something. He is intelligent, successful and grounded.  He is a gentleman, and he is the first real man I have met who is willing to actually earn my affections.

After our first proper date, he went out to sea.  We spoke every day for five weeks while he was away and we just find things to talk about.  It just falls into place.  When he came home, we had a day at the zoo (we both love animals); he took me to an amazing Michelin star restaurant in Birmingham which is just the best, most incredible meal I have ever had in my life.  He took me to the Royal Shakespeare Theatre for an amazing performance of Otherllo and he also crossed off one of my bucket list items by organizing a trip to Gruyere in Switzerland where the HR Giger museum is.  It was MIND-BLOWING.  Such a place of beauty being up in the mountains; fresh, crisp air, chocolate, cheese and just the best company I could have asked for.  It was just a perfect weekend.  We even had a huge storm on the first night for which we donned our rain macs and went and sat up in the castle grounds of Gruyere and watched the lightening lighting up the whole sky, mountains and valleys.  We were both in awe of it.  Gruyere was home to these amazing, rare little humming bird moths which I had great fun trying to photograph.  I managed to get an awesome photo of one too, which I am chuffed with.  We spent an afternoon in the perfectly decorated Giger Bar drinking cocktails, Absynthe and hot chocolate with meringues and cream ( a Swiss special) and loved every minute.  It feels right.  Finally.

After an amazing weekend, we spent Tuesday in Lincoln where M's new boat is moored.  It was great to see him so happy and smiling... and we're using the Marina as a neutral place for him to meet my folks next weekend before he heads back off-shore for his next five week tour of duty.

For the first time in a long long time- I may have finally found someone worthy of my heart and trust and love.

Happy :-)

It Will Come Back.

I'm sitting here listening to Hozier.  This is most definitely the best album I have heard in some time; bluesy, heartfelt and emotive with beautiful lyrics and an absolutely incredible blues vocal which can haunt you right down to your bones. I love it.  My soul loves it.  I can feel it soar when I listen.

I should be working.  I have two commissions under way with very short deadlines but I just can't concentrate.

My head is full of smog and cobwebs today, only in very small part due to the number of very strong cocktails I consumed last night. I want to curl up and sleep it off but even that is proving difficult.

I have a conversation running through my head.  It was an important one; things needed to be said which provided some much needed clarity and context.  However in doing so, it's left me scarred. Inevitable, and necessary to protect me in the future but also damaging to my heart. It's not a nice thing to ever hear... and it's something I've heard twice now.

It's one thing to be told someone doesn't feel something for you.  It cuts.  But to be told that they never could feel anything for you cuts deeper.  The connection isn't severed; you realise it was never even there to begin with; wasted and empty.  To say it could never happen means I've been analysed, summed up as lacking in some unknown quality which can never be explained or quantified. Strange how you can feel so connected; feel so strongly that there is something undeniably there; something right; and be so very very wrong about it.

It could have worked; You and I. You don't even realise what you've lost.

_________

 

                                                                          

All you have is your fire,

And a place you need to reach.

Don't you ever tame your demons-

But keep them on a leash.  

 

 

__________

Return.

I got back from Japan on Wednesday morning.  I miss it already.  Two days at home and it already feels like an age away.  The long flight emphasizes just how far away my little niece is and how much I am missing out on. It's a sad feeling that my time with her is going to be so sparse and sporadic. I miss her.

I'm not back at work until Tuesday and I've already wasted two days which have slipped through my fingers without me even noticing.  Post holiday blues were made much worse when I discovered that on the day off my return my little gecko Gizmo had passed away that morning.  She had been ill for some weeks so while it wasn't a huge shock, seeing her lifeless little body lay down in the warmth of her vivarium was heart-breaking. She had lay in the warmth knowing she was going to pass away I am sure of this from how she had lay down. She is buried in my parents garden.

In contrast, as one pet passes, my sister has now grown her little family unit to one Rottweiler/Border Collie cross puppy called Milo. He is incredibly cute even if he does just play and sleep at the moment.

So...... ny.



For some unknown reason, my Cowon stopped working today.  It won't switch on, it won't charge up - it's simply passed away quietly whilst in sleep-mode.  It was a bit of a shock as it's only a couple of years old and I searched high and low for something to replace my previous mp3 player which was perfect, just too small for my needs.  Sony also let me down mobile-wise a few years ago, and when they stopped making my previous mp3 player I was heartbroken.  The Cowon matched for sound quality but the user interface just wasn't as friendly and easy to navigate as my Sony.  I can't really function normally without an MP3 player, and with my impending long haul flights to Tokyo just 10 days away, I embarked on a research mission this morning to find a suitable replacement.  I found it right away... albeit actually getting hold of THE ONLY ONE IN THE WEST MIDLANDS was a bit of a mission.  *** Note to shops- do NOT advertise as selling a product that a customer has to order in.  Why say that you sell it, when I have to wait up to three days for you to order it in..? That's what Amazon is for... ***

 

So, after a few years away, I have reignited my tumultuous love affair with Sony.  I purchased a Sony A series and also a fairly cheap pair of headphones (though these won't be replacing my Shure in-earphones).  I'm currently sat in my lounge, testing out all the sound controls and features to optimize them for my strict tastes and high standards.  It's like returning home to an old lover after a pointless and unsatisfactory affair; it feels good to be back in bed with a familiar companion now that the passion is back.

 

I've lost nothing on sound quality and as expected with Sony products I've not actually had to fiddle much with the sound equalisation as the natural Sony sound is tuned in with my preferred tastes- slightly bass-y and meaty with clear spangly overtones.  It's already passed the Nine Inch Nails and Tool test, so I'm just running through the Tron soundtrack.  My Shure earphones compliment it perfectly, and despite the average Sony headphones I bought, they're also actually pretty decent quality too. Now... the only thing I haven't tested is compatibility with Franko.  

 

 

Chuffed to bits.  I could have done without the expense so near to my trip... however I think this is a match made in heaven and I'm glad I'll be travelling with Sony in my bag and ears again.  :-)

The Test.

 The day has come to test these two Ice Cream Behemoths...

 

 

 

It was with great trepidation that I picked up that spoon.  This was the moment.  Some 8/9 years since had passed before Minter Wonderland had entered my mouth on it's shiney, silver steed. I've been used to Haagen Dazs for the last few years, it stepping in to fill the void left behind Minter Wonderlands epic wake.  I know the taste of Haagen Dazs now, as if it is part of my own body.  And yet, here, armed with my weapon-like spoon, I plunged back into the past to see if the lasting memory of this frozen creamy-dream lived up to the reality.

 

I have to say, I was surprised with the results. 

 

I can officially announce that Minter Wonderland... is NOT tastier than it's rival. 

 

Mint Leaves... the Ice Cream is creamier, tastier with more depth of mintiness flavour, and there is more chocolate per spoonful.  It also seems to melt quicker in the mouth. 

 

Minter Wonderland lacked that punch.  It's Ice Cream tastes blander in comparison, and although the chocolate chunks are "meatier" there are fewer of them in the tub it would appear.  It's not as minty or as refreshing to the pallet.

 

It looks like Haagen Dasz has surpassed Minter Wonderland... had it not been for Minter Wonderland's initial demise prior to Mint Leaves being marketed, I feel I would have made the switch regardless.  It would appear that Minter Wonderland only retained it's mantle in my heart and mind due to it's unavailability, a lost treasure, the memory of which appears to have been greater than truth. 

 

And now, Mint Leaves can take it's rightful place... the consistent provider who didn't abandon me can now bathe in it's glorious defeat of the old ruler of the minty dessert Kingdom.  All hail... the worlds best Ice Cream... Mint Leaves and Chocolate! 

The Second Coming.

On the 10th November 2014 at 1904hrs I got sent this...

 

 

This.... is THE ice cream. 

 

In short:  **READ IT HERE**

 

2005- Ben & Jerry's release this BEAST of an Ice Cream.  I am addicted.

2005- The Ice Cream vanishes to the depths of the Ben & Jerry's Graveyard

2005- I drop into a despair and grief that can only be understood by hardcore addicts. Withdrawal symptoms included emailing Ben & Jerry's to beg for it's return- only to be told I can "view" it in the Graveyard on their website.  I do.  I am heartbroken.

2005-13 Years of heartache and Mint Ice Cream misery ensue.  No other mint ice cream tastes the same.

2013- Hagen Daas release Mint Leaves & Chocolate. My faith in humanity, hope, ice cream and mint is restored.

2014- Minter Wonderland descends. I explode with Joy.

 

It has returned.  In my time of need.  It has returned.  Words genuinely cannot express how I felt seeing that photograph... it was monumental.  I can only compare it to finding my long lost snake ring all those years ago after a year of it being lost.  It was spiritual, emotional and just epic. 

 

I was sent a few torturous videos of it being opened and eaten... however... this was short lived and manageable.  There then followed a WEEK of trying to hunt some down in various supermarkets. And finally.. FINALLY ... I managed to get hold of some after a tip off of some stock in Sainsburys.  I got the last two tubs.  At present I have two tubs of Minter Wonderland and two tubs of Mint Leaves in my freezer.  This makes me feel... glorious.

 

Tomorrow I plan on having a compare of the two ice creams. This is going to be a huge moment for Ice Cream and an even huger moment for my tastebuds. I will blog my results following the strictly controlled experiment.

 

I know my time with this ice cream is short... it won't still be here like the Hagen Daas has been all this time, so I hope it permits me a short, brief affair with the ice cream that started this all. 

Black Glitter.

I was searching for some new music the other night and came across this not-so-new band. 

I immediately loved it and I'll explain why below.



This music is the sound of my teenage years.  I listen and hear echoes of the glory days of the 90s where tuneful rock permeated the mainstream.  I hear echoes of The Smashing Pumpkins and The Pixies in the vocals; Placebo and The Silversun Pickups in the fuzzy, crisp chord changing guitars.  I close my eyes and I could be 16 again, in a sweaty, dark, packed gig venue with bleach blonde hair and chipped, black glitter nail polish on guitar-hardened fingers; an outlet for a collective teenage angst unfolding before my ears and eyes.

Total flashback.

<3 p="">

Exclusive: Slink Captured on Film in Natural Habitat.

The awesome KTP has put together a fab little video of my birthday celebrations at my favourite rock club, Eddies, back in March.  It just makes me smile and I wanted to share it here too:

I can't stop grinning after watching it.  I love that there is a cluster of songs that will ALWAYS always be etched on my soul and bind me with some absolutely amazing friends and some equally amazing times at Uni.  Despite these moments getting further and further into the past, the effect these songs has on each one of us will always spark memories of happy times.  I love it.  It's priceless.  :-)

I'm still waiting to be given the all clear so I can return to work.  I have an appointment tomorrow where I'm hoping to be booked back fit. If not, I'll have to wait until my sick note runs out on Friday.  I just want to get back to the normal drudgery of work now, I miss it!

Behold ... Franko.

So a few blogs ago I confessed to spending an extortionate amount of money on a special opaque wax for my beautiful matt black Fiat 500, Franko.  I used the wax about a week or so ago and have to say it worked a treat, but for £54 you'd bloody expect it to! The picture on the left is him post-wax and I think you will agree he looks awesome.  I need to get some tyre blackener on his tyres though because they've gone a bit grey. 

Very occasionally, and I mean VERY occasionally, I regret getting a matt black car purely for the paint vulnerability and also for the inconvenience of not being able to run him through a car wash or even pay for a handwash (as their cloths will be full of nasty polish and unsafe wax).  However, 99.9% of the time I love that he's different.  I love the looks and comments he gets on a regular basis.   His matt finish makes him rare, his blue stripes make him unique - he's provocative. Just like me. :-) I love him.

Love. By Neil Gaiman.

I love this man.

Thin Mint Ice.

In 2005, this happened...

... this Ice Cream was monumental. 

It was THE best Ice Cream I had ever EVER tasted.  I loved it.  I bought it weekly as my Saturday treat.  It was my paradigm shift in the world of Ice Cream, changing my conceptions of cream based, icy food forever.

No less than a few months after Minter Wonderland shone light upon my tastebuds... Ben & Jerrys condemned it to  the Ice Cream graveyard and stopped selling it.  For a few months I checked supermarkets in the vain hope of finding a stray tub- to no avail.  I was never to see or taste this Ice Cream again. 

It took me many years to get over this- in fact I'm not sure I have forgiven Ben & Jerrys yet for their cruelty.  No Mint Ice cream was ever going to compare...

and then, a few weeks ago, by sheer chance, this happened...

... Oh. My God.  Mint Leaves and Chocolate.  The years of Ben & Jerry's heartbreak ended as I slipped that smooth cold spoon of icy, minty goodness into my mouth.  That Ice Cream and my tongue were meant to be together, united, in perfect harmony.  I never thought anything would taste as good as Minter Wonderland... but this, completely surpassed my expectations.  Years of empty, flavourless, dull, boring utterly CRAP mint choc chip Ice Cream melted away and my life felt complete once again.

I consumed two tubs... and then the fear of this amazing happiness-in-a-tub being taken away from me took over.  The next couple of days I visited Sainsbugs AND Tesco and noted they didn't appear to have any of my Ice Cream left- this could be both good and bad.  Maybe stocks are just low because it's new...  "Don't panic" I thought, lets check online.  To my horror, my ice cream was now only being stocked in Waitrose and Ocado.  That's okay... we are fortunate to live near two Waitrose supermarkets.  The larger of these stores, had just three tubs in stock.  I bought all three.  They are safe in my freezer.

However, my love affair is, I fear, to be short lived.  I stopped by a smaller Waitrose this afternoon on my way home from work in the hope of stocking up on a few more tubs.  I scoured the shelves of the Ice Cream freezers- There were none.  There wasn't even a label for them.  That familiar feeling returns... my ice cream is slowly but surely slipping out of my grasp once again. 

There are still supplies... online mainly.  I'm considering whether my addiction is worthy of ordering a few more tubs- potentially having to pay for delivery.  Just how far will I go to get this Ice Cream?  Is there such a thing as black market ice cream dealer where I can fuel my habit? Perhaps the local Mr Whippy van could strike up some sort of deal... Yes, desperate times.

I still have my three tubs...these will now be subject to STRICT rations.  It's going to be a sad, emotionally tough day when I spoon out the last scoop from my last tub.

So fleeting... so passionate... and then it's over... so suddenly. 

The world of Ice Cream is a cruel, cruel place.   

Untitled.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”
― Sylvia Plath

 

 

Some Songs.

One of my favorite times to listen to music is in the dark.  As a passenger in a car, travelling in the dark, it's an ideal space to shut myself away into an imaginary musical closet for a while. I was listening to this on the way home tonight...



It used to remind me of someone, used to mean something... it still does, but now for the right time, right person and for the right reasons.

Cue Bon Iver. Perfect song for my mood.

Skinny Love. Bon Iver.

Come on skinny love just last the year. 
Pour a little salt, we were never here. 
... Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer,

Tell my love to wreck it all,
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall.
... Right in this moment this order's tall.

And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines.

Unite.

MP's back Gay Marriage Bill

A small step forward and FINALLY something positive from our dictatorshi... sorry, Government.

Today, 400 MPs voted for fairness and equality, while 175 (a staggering but not unsuprising 140 of these were Tories) voted against it. 

Some of the arguments (if they can be called that) against this are nothing short of laughable. Some blatant homophobia. Some stemming from the dark ages. Some just spineless nonsense.  Anyone who has a problem with a member of my family doing something that I'm able to do, better have a damn good reason.

I'm glad and reassured that common sense has prevailed on this particular occasion, and while there's still a long road ahead, a small positive step has been taken.

Good news :-)

My Pensieve.

Forgive me a momentary lapse.

I need to get a few things out and this is MY blog.  I was wary of posting about this, but I don't think I have need to anymore. It will make no sense to anyone but me.

I'm annoyed about a couple of things. People in fact. How did you guess?!

An Apology.

I feel a lot of the time that it's two steps forward and one step back.  I wrote very briefly about being hurt by someone last year.  It took a lot of effort to move past that; to really accept that a person can be so hugely different to how you first perceived.  I attempted on a couple of occasions to reconcile with this person in an effort to keep their friendship in my life- however it came back to bite me and I just wound up even more hurt.  I resigned myself to the thought that this person's hatred and spite was deep set, and no matter how unfair and unjust- I couldn't change their feelings.  I cut them off knowing I would never receive an apology nor any explanation of their cruel actions.  After a few lame attempts at getting in touch with me, which I ignored, a chance encounter with this person prompted a long overdue apology, albeit by text.  It's about all their tiny mind and it's equally miniscule emotional intelligence could muster I suppose.

This puts me in a quandry because immediately all the weight I had carried dispersed.  I will never get an explanation, but their apology made a difference, though I will always doubt it's validity.  It's a degree of closure from a particularly bitter element of last year and I feel I can finally put it behind me.  However, I feel like I'm betraying myself.  I felt so strongly about this person, so hurt and it took a lot of effort and energy to turn that hurt into enough dislike to cut them out... and it just went, in an instant, when they apologised.  This is a good thing, I'm sure... for me, and I'm glad that it's lifted a burden, however the hate I had been holding also protected me and now I'm without it, it feels strange.  I also get irritated by the thought that this pathetic apology gave THEM some sort of closure and that my absorption of this apology has somehow forgiven them.  This is not something they deserve, however I guess I need to be selfish and take the positives for myself, ignoring any impact it may have on them. I'll try.  Their punishment I guess, though I hate to say it because I inherently don't truly believe it, is that they lost my friendship and the chance to have me in their life.  I somehow have to convince myself that this is of detrement to them. Somehow.

Safety.

Someone gave me some good advice once.
"Learn to hate" they said. 
Silly, I thought at the time, because I frequently get described as a very angry person- or passionate if it's deemed as a compliment.  Sometimes I feel I have far far too much hate in me.  This same person, emphasized that I feel things strongly- all emotions, on a greater scale.  This was no news to me, however the news that other people didn't feel to the same depth is a relevalation I will always struggle with.  I find such people alien.  I find it frustrating that my emotions are rarely shared and I often feel that I give more than I receive; always in debt somehow.  But this is not something I can change, and I'm not entirely sure I want to. How I feel, makes me who I am. Good and bad. Anyway I digress. 
I was told to "learn to hate" someone who hurt me.  To protect me.  A barrier.  It worked.  And now I find I am having to do that once again.  Hate is a strong a word, but I'm having to put up the barriers, let it all go and surround myself with invisible barbed wire.  I guess that's why they say there's a fine line between love and hate- the propensity to get hurt is always greater, emotions are heightened.

I know I am pushing another friendship away... but this is what we have to do sometimes right? To not be hurt.  And it makes me angry ( I know, something I should be avoiding this year).  It makes me angry that the reasons I'm doing this are even more evident now; each day is further confirmation of why this is painfully necessary.  It makes me angry that this person has no concept of my hurt. It makes me angry that I've lost another friendship.  It makes me angry that someone I cared for, I now feel I don't know.  It makes me angry that they've let this happen.  It makes me angry that it's all gone because it's what they wanted. And it's making me question myself -doubt myself, question my personality, what I keep doing wrong, why I keep making the same mistakes- which again is making me anxious.  Likewise I am now questioning them- Did they lie? It feels like they did. It feels like the whole thing was a lie now. Did I get someone else wrong? Again!? Do they car? It would appear not. I will never know. It's easier not to.  Gut feeling vs assumptions vs words.  Words are easy to say.  Actions speak louder.

The less I think about it all the better.  This is one of those times where sticking your head in the sand is necessary, because eventually it WILL all go away and I won't care about any of it. That's what I need- to not care.

Everything works out better for people who just don't care.

Crashland. Radioactive.

One of the most beautiful and apt songs from last year.  This will always be my 2012 song.

 

And... this one... this is my 2013 song.  "I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones" ...

One.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey


And at least now I know those who are worth it, and those that aren't. :-)

Christmas 2012 with my little neice.

 I was apprehensive about christmas this year until my brother told us he was bringing his new little family back from Japan to join us for two weeks over Christmas and New Year.  They arrived on the 22nd December and I met my little neice Natalie for the first time. 

 

The last two weeks have gone really quick but have provided us all with a lovely end to a tumultuous year.  Spending time with my little neice has been a joy and it makes me feel pretty sad that when they leave on Friday morning I'll be saying goodbye to her for an indefinite amount of time. 

 

 

I'm not sure what age she will be when we'll see her again, and it's highly likely that she will forget us until she's much older and her longer term memory is more functional.  I feel sad about this... but immensely happy to have met her at such a precious little age.  It's made for a really warming, family christmas which is just what I've needed at the end of such a difficult year.  My heart feels full again.  

 

Gonna miss this little munchkin.

Reflections on 2012 pt 2: N, Where I end and You Begin...

In January, I left home.

My home.  It's almost indescribable how much I miss my house, and the walls where I encased my soul for a year.  However, I wasn't happy there.  At times it felt like a prison, and a place where I felt alone and unsupported by my partner of 8 years N. 

I met N 10 years ago at University.  We've had a tumultuous and stormy relationship from the outset but have carved a path through many trials and tribulations.  N is my soul mate and best friend.  I want to avoid cliches as they sound futile, however he is etched into my heart and always will be.  I love him deeply and have been sadenned to see sides of him I once knew and loved become lost to his career. 
He is driven and dedicated to his job.  His career literally means the world to him, and whilst I love what I do and put my all into it, it is not where my heart and soul lies.  I look to the arts, to friends, family and home life to make me happy and as we've grown into hard working adults our differing outlooks and priorities have become vastly apparant; to the extent where when I needed him most, when my Mum was diagnosed, I turned to find N largely pre-occupied with his job.  Emotional needs weren't being met and I felt pressured into appearing happy at a time when all I felt was sad, lost, confused and angry at life.

I will always love N.  A part of me longs desperately to go back to my old home, to N.  But I fear too much has now changed.  Everything I have mentioned in Reflections Pt 1 has happened without him- or with him in the distance.  He has never been too far away, which right now I am very glad about.   We've spoken every week, and met up like the old friends we used to be over the last few months.  I miss how we were.  I miss his companionship.  It's important to remember that amidst the stress and anger that engulfed is this time last year, that our relationship has been filled with laughing, closeness and a bond that can't be put into paragraphs in a blog.  He knows me.  Inside out.  All of me, my good parts, bad parts, all my flaws laid bare, and he still loves me for them... sometimes though, I fear he misinterprets my expressionist side and misunderstands my needs.

We've both had time. I've learnt a lot this year, both about myself and the situation I found myself in.  I have a new appreciation for what I had, for N and what he provided for me, but I've also grown and learnt a lesson in independence which has made me feel strengthened from within. 

I honestly don't know what next year holds for N and I.  Next year I will have to find my own place to live.  There's fear of more unknowns, but I feel equipped to cope.  I have no idea if what I am writing is a beginning or an ending; a prelude or an epilogue, whatever it is though, it's been a part of  a chaotic and emotive 2012 that I won't forget.