Letting Go.

Bad Things:

I've avoided posting this for a while.  The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest I've experienced for a very very long time.  I've managed to pull myself back together... or just about, and feel like I can move forward albeit tentatively.

N has been a big part of my life for the last decade.  We were together for eight years and even when I left two years ago we remained very close, still seeing each other regularly and spending time together when we could.  I never ever pictured my life without him, rightly or wrongly and continued to tell people who didn't understand how we remained so close, that he was my soulmate and always would be.

N has met someone now, and recently told me that there would be no chance of us recovering our past relationship and that it would be best if we no longer continued to stay in touch. Despite me knowing this could have been a reality, hearing it so bluntly threw me for six.  I was now faced with having to face the unknown of the rest of my life without my best friend. It hurt. A lot. It hurt that I was no longer considered irreplaceable in his life and that he had moved forward with out the need for me in his life.  I think it hurt an awful lot more than I ever thought it would, but then I'd never really let myself think about it.  For a good two weeks I was pretty broken, feeling like the world had been turned upside down and left fighting the dark, this in the first two weeks of my new job too.  Stress. It's been awful.  I stopped eating and sleeping and basically drifted along in a state of misery for two weeks.  My new job was stressful and I was missing my friends and colleagues hugely... I still do.

Good things:

But I'm back.  It is what it is, and whilst it hurt a great deal it's important that I keep plodding on.  It's scary, but I've realised just how great my family and friends have been in supporting me.

I face a long road alone now... and whilst that scares me it's important that I get used to my own company and learn to live without the friends I've come to rely on.  Obviously they will be there, but they all have their own lives and I need to shape mine be that on my own or with someone I may meet in the future.  I think for my sake I need to try and get used to the fact that I may not have the happy partner, wedding, the marriage, kids and house ... but it's important I make the most of what I have not what I don't.  I'm in my thirtees, I know who I am and what I want.  If people have a problem with it they can and will walk away... I won't be chasing after them.  If I can't find a companion and soulmate then so be it... but I'm determined to be happier than I feel now.  Alone or otherwise.

I went to a Tarot night on Friday.  My cards were brilliant... They showed my present - a big argument, losing a loved one, letting go. They showed security and success in my job with a possible further promotion at some point.  It warned me to steer clear of a person connected to work who is two faced.  I know who this was. It also told me there was a man coming into my life soon, it said I was going away shortly (to Belgium later this month) and that I needed to not hang on to the past anymore.  It all makes sense... and no matter what people's thoughts are on the topic, I felt like it was all very relevant.  I also spoke to a "psychic" man who asked me without any prompting what who the man with the dry hands was (this is N who had dermatitis!) and said that I was missing him. He also told me about a man with epaulettes, built frame who I should be wary of.  This matched up with my cards warning me about the person at work. It was all a bit of fun... not sure I was convinced by the psychic guy's talents although he did ask some questions and picked up that I made things in great detail (my sculpting) and that I recently had a problem with my cars brakes which was odd considering I'd never spoken to him before! He said he could picture me with a big car in the future and possibly with my own shop! :-D

I have a date tonight.  It's a bit of fun and I'm not expecting it to go anywhere but it'll get me back into the dating scene and get used to meeting new people again.  Who knows.

I have the Belgian GP also in a few weeks. I was meant to be going with N but I am now going with my dear Becko so it should still be a fun little adventure. 

I have a mini reunion next weekend with uni chums for the fabulous Mrs P's birthday. This will be bittersweet as it will be my first meeting with N since everything.  We won't have had any contact for nearly three weeks.  I'm not sure how I will feel, made tougher by the fact I will be the only single person there, but I just need to be strong and try and enjoy seeing friends who I don't get to see often, in a city I love, in our old haunts.

I have also booked tickets to the next BTCC event in Rockingham in early September so I have that to look forward to also! :)

I spent a good hour on Skype this morning with my neice, bro, sister in law and my folks who are over in Japan visiting.  She blew me bubbles and showed me her playdough desk and tools- she might be a budding little sculptor like me! She even blew me a kiss when I said goodbye... she is so precious and I can't wait to meet her again, hopefully in the next year or so.

I just need to keep smiling and remind myself often that everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

300: Rise of an Empire

This weekend was just as it promised to be - pleasant, quiet and slightly cheaper than the last few weekends of copious drinking have turned out to be.

Thursday and Friday night were chill time movie nights.  Thursday we watched The Social Network which was actually a far better film than I expected it to be; the amazing work of Trent Reznor's soundtrack did help it along a little though.  I was pleasantly surprised by it to be honest. 
Friday night's film I have already forgotten so it can't have been that good. It might have been one called Ghostship, which was just averagely dull in every possible way.

Saturday night however, was what I had been looking forward to as I went to see 300: Rise of an Empire.

I had set my expectations fairly low as 300 is one of my all time favourite films and the sequel couldn't possibly match the skill or impact of the first.  It didn't.  However I was surprised to find it wasn't at all as bad as I had anticipated.

In 300, the Spartan warriors wear red robes; Red, the colour of blood, lust, passion.  This is set apart by the golden tones of the film signifying gold, honour, sunlight and warmth.  In 300 ROAE the main character Themistocles and his counterparts adorn blue robes reflecting the cooler tone of this film and echoing both the oceans and stormy weather in the film.  This, for me, summarises it perfectly because on the whole the film is just that- less warming then the first.  It's stormy, and for me, the characters lack any capacity to evoke empathy in the viewer.  Themistocles is a cool and unemotional character lacking any real depth.  He failed to arouse the same kind of passion that Leonidas did in the first film; having no family or a lover to protect.  He is cold and almost robotic and the unnecessary border-line rape scene simply left me losing even more respect for him.  You fought with Leonidas, you wanted him to return to his Queen and sons; but Themistocles, you just kind of watched as he carried out his business with little reason.  I possibly felt more for Artemisia than I did for Themistocles; she had a story, a history and she had passion. Their power struggle was awkward instead of firey and I did feel glad that Themistocles was still left needing the help of a strong, powerful woman in the way of Queen Gorgo who proved she had far more balls than he did.

Visually, it lacked the punch that 300 made.  This was a new area though when 300 was first released, there had only been Sin City which had been filmed under the same concept.  There were still some nice sequences and shots, but the attention to detail that 300 had wasn't there.  Every shot in 300 is carefully composed, and in ROAE it's more of a general feel than that of careful consideration of compositions and cinematography.  Still, some nice work and nice effects which were made more impressive by the three dimensional aspect.

Ah. I now await some other good films to fill the void - Transcendence is looking interesting so that will be my next movie target for April.

Sunday morning I was treated to pancakes for breakfast. I've washed little Franko, been to the gym; been to Mum's for a slap up, post-workout roast dinner and I've also been up in their loft to retrieve lots of props for the party next weekend.

It's going to be GOOOOOD. :)

Laters!

Hedonism and Other Things.

The last few weekends have been hectic with one too many late night (or rather early morning!) and far too much alcohol which also means far too much money. Being a social butterfly certainly has it's drawbacks at times! The hedonistic living can't last forever so  I may as well enjoy it while I can. For the most part, it stops me dwelling on things I don't have and focuses me on the good that can come from my current situation.

This month is proving expensive... little Franko has had his very first MOT and service, I've been out pretty much every weekend since the start of February for various exploits and I still have car insurance, my birthday week plans, mothers day and a stack of birthdays to pay for!

It was with great nostalgia that I passed through the doors of my favourite rock club Eddies on Saturday.  It was like returning home after many months away.

Creatively things are going well- I have completed my first two commissions of the year and have a further two in the books, with interest being shown by at least three or four others so I could be set for the whole year at this rate! It's nice that things are starting to pick up, and I'm loving getting back into some creative projects. Long may it continue!

On the Agenda this week is mainly: Trying not to spend tooooo much money; trying to eat a bit more healthily (more fruit/veg less fat); Making sure I get to the cinema to see 300: Rise of An Empire.

Behold ... Franko.

So a few blogs ago I confessed to spending an extortionate amount of money on a special opaque wax for my beautiful matt black Fiat 500, Franko.  I used the wax about a week or so ago and have to say it worked a treat, but for £54 you'd bloody expect it to! The picture on the left is him post-wax and I think you will agree he looks awesome.  I need to get some tyre blackener on his tyres though because they've gone a bit grey. 

Very occasionally, and I mean VERY occasionally, I regret getting a matt black car purely for the paint vulnerability and also for the inconvenience of not being able to run him through a car wash or even pay for a handwash (as their cloths will be full of nasty polish and unsafe wax).  However, 99.9% of the time I love that he's different.  I love the looks and comments he gets on a regular basis.   His matt finish makes him rare, his blue stripes make him unique - he's provocative. Just like me. :-) I love him.

General Waste.

HAHA!

I just realised- my dear friend Miss P included me in a top 5 blog list a few days ago so anyone directed to my blog from her wonderful link would have been confronted by my Fuck You- From a Blonde post.  Probably not the best first impression! :-D

What news what news I hear you ask...

Well, I have been working hard both at work and in the gym.  My little muscle is coming along nicely- I even went up a free weight size last night so even though it's still tiny weights, it's all progress in the right direction.  I am still enjoying it and want to see a bit more of an improvement in my general cardio strength and fitness before I start running.  My legs are already feeling much stronger, though I've not managed to find a combat class at a suitable time to join yet but this is hopefully going to be my next thing.  :-)

My car naming skills have reached new heights- I am now getting requests for my naming abilities by the fabulous Miss P herself!!!  I'm starting to feel like one of those spiritual guides who can read cars...!

Speaking of cars- I have a confession.  The long and short of it is that I spent £200 on car products. :-S ... I know what you're thinking... Nutbag.  Yeah that's what I thought too. 
So as you know my little Franko is matt black, this makes him both awesome and a great big freaking pain in the arse to clean, but mostly awesome.   I have to buy a special shampoo for matt black paint which costs £30 a bottle from a rather lovely little company called Swissvax.  Well, I decided to buy some new shampoo and some wax from them as they're the only company who care enough for my little Franko's sensitive skin.. I mean.. paint.  SOOO, I ended up buying shampoo, wax, some new cloths which looked rather nice... and then some pre-cleaner for the wax, and the cloths that went with it, and some wax pads.  And before I knew it... it was £203 right there in the cyber basket! A lot I know... but I won't have to buy much more for him for a looong time, and he WILL look fabulous for it.  And it's an investment, looking after his paintwork which will hopefully sell him in the future if it's looked after properly... sounds a good enough excuse anyway! I'll let you know how I get on with the wax when I pluck up the courage to use it.  I might just add that this wax smells freakin AMAZING.  I want to eat it.  Not only will Franko look amazing, he will smell amazing too. Yeah baby.

I've spent the last two weekends working on a small cake topper commission.  It's been a welcome return to doing something creative.  I've also managed to pick up a new wedding cake commission from work which I've got booked in to start at the end of June.  Can't wait!

I have mostly been listening to Skrillex this week and eating Jaffa Cakes. 

Good news also - I have sourced THREE more tubs of my mint ice cream.  WOOT! Spring can now commence.

Grr...

My Dad picked up his new car today.  It's a rather swanky Jaguar XF Sportbreak.  It's the size of a plane, but a plane filled with cream leather and wood grain inside.  It is ... the bees knees.  I've been reliably informed that I will be put on the insurance for this absolute (pricey) beast of a car.  The very thought of being in control of a car the size of a small cruise ship frankly terrifies me.  Especially when you consider the fact that my current choice of vehicle, little Franko, is probably the smallest cars you can find on the market!

 

 

 

It is a very well equipped with about the same amount of dashboard functions and gadgets as a Spaceship.  A very beautiful spaceship.  It's automatic, 8 gear, 2.2 litre engine. I've never driven an auto before and can't quite imagine what it will feel like having a left arm and left foot.  It must be a very strange feeling.  I'm not entirely sure I'll ever pluck up the courage to find out!

Both my Dad and the Jaguar dealership men were unimpressed with my name choice for the car - Barbara.  All I can say in my defence is that these names come to me.  The vehicle chooses it's own name, I am but the receiver of their will.  This car looks like a Barbara. 

Welcome, Barbara.  :-)

Reflections on 2012 part 1.

The year is drawing to a close.

I started off 2012 having left my best friend and partner of 8 years*, my home, alot of my belongings and the place where my heart and soul had resided for a year, impressing its gentle watermarks into the walls, surfaces and ambiance of each room.  My mum was recovering from her breast cancer surgery, and my job was once again potentially under threat at a place where I'd found many friends and felt like one of the family. 

Everything felt upside down.  I was exhausted and mostly in tatters and about this time last year I had already decided that something had to change. 

By January, I was back at my parents home, sleeping in a cold, back room of the house on a sofa bed.   I started looking around for other jobs around this time too.  By March, I was getting interviews for new jobs and after a few successful ones and two job offers I opted for a new job in Walsall, a promotion, and all round challenge.  It was to be my second huge step into the unknown so early on into the year and despite the fears and conflictions I seized the opportunity as a new start.

During these months of interviews and CV's an job spiel, two things happened- I learnt how to juggle (!) and I met L* who was working down the coridoor in a temporary office.  L has become my biggest smile of 2012.  In him, I have found a true best friend for life and I owe him an awful lot for his stoic support, kind words and encouragement over the year.  I love him dearly and hope I never ever lose his friendship.
In contrast, during this time I met a second person who would be my biggest mistake of the year.  I also thought, this person- who I won't even grace with an initial, would be a true friend.  I shared a great deal with them and, perhaps mislead by the sadness and instability in my life at the time, I leant on them for support.  Instead, my trust was betrayed and I got caught up in bitter mind games resulting in nothing but let down, hurt and confusion. 

I started my new job at the end of April.* The timing couldn't have been better as I needed to get away from the pressure cooker of friend-politics that had been building.  After three years communting by train, I had to step away from time tables, platforms, reading newspapers and books in a carriage and healthy, brisk walks- and swap it for a 25 minute commute of sitting still staring at a road surface.  I felt lost, stepping away from the comforts of my good friends, my work family who I had loved seeing daily- into a cold, old building in a very different area of the West Midlands.  At a time where I craved stability and order, I found the transition hard but was relieved to find that my new working team was friendly and welcoming. 
Resolution 1: Be more active.

Despite my friendly team, the job itself has brought about a new perspective of policing, people, culture and criminality.  Instead of working on the peripheries of policing in a supportive role, I've learnt an awful lot from being thrust into the thick of actual police work.  It's opened my eyes and altered some of my opions, and this in turn has added to my angst and fury at this odeous, bile-inducing- Government's policies. It's left me very resentful, as I'm sure regular blog readers will already know with many of my posts this year taking on a political rant tone in utter disgust at some of the unjustified impositions this Tory government has created. 
Resolution 2: Be less angry.

May saw the birth of my little neice- Natalie*; another small blossom of newness, hope and smiles in an otherwise tumultuous and rocky time. 

In late July, early August, our family cat Oscar had to be put down*.  He was a friendly, clumsy, 14 year old black and white cat who had seemed well up until the week before his death.  He had a deteriorating heart condition due to his age.  I'm glad that I was with him when he was put to sleep.  I held him, stroked his head as his eyes closed, and kissed him goodbye with a thank you for his life in our family home.  He's left a small hole.  Our remaining cat, Phoebe misses him, and she has been changed by his absence. She seems lost sometimes, and anxious of being alone- something I can very much relate to this year.  I miss him too.

Living back at the family home after almost ten years of independence hasn't come easy.  It's had an impact on my family relationships, some of which I will discuss later*. 

My creativity hasn't gone by the wayside this year either.  It's been a busy, chaotic year but I've managed to find time to complete some sculpture projects amidst it all.  I think one of my resolutions next year will be to make more time for creative projects.  That means more photo's.  More clay.  And learning a new skill.
Resolution 3: Be more creative.

My main trip of the year was my visit to Brugge with N.  It was a beautiful place and it was great taking photographs, breathing clean air into my lungs, and just experiencing being somewhere so quaintly, stunning. Whilst I don't think the two of us felt completely relaxed, images and sights will remain alive in my memory with fondness and warmth.  Highlights included a fantastic Dali exhibition, and seeing works by Miro and Picasso in smaller exhibitions there.  I also really want to go back to Brussels next year for a weekend and spend time visiting the many art galleries and museums as we only dropped by for a couple of hours on our way home. 

Fast track a couple of months and I feel more settled in my job.  My team friendships grow almost daily, and I feel that each passing week brings me closer into the fold.  I am aware that my job will only be for another 12 months, but I'll try and make the most of being where I am for the time being; gathering as much training and knowledge as I can ready for my next step and challenge.  As the year closes, I'm starting to miss my home again.  Whilst I have much to be grateful for, I still have things to aim for, things I need in my life in order to feel whole again.  I've entertained the thought that perhaps that bit of emptiness is okay,that it may always remain and that all I actually need to do is learn to appreciate and step back; to make more time for the things I enjoy, to laugh more and spend time with people I care about and who care about me.  This year has taught me all those things are vital and while I'm entering the christmas period feeling wary of sadness- at a time where everyone turns to family and I'm still not sure where I belong- I'm also hopeful that what I've learnt this year will help me make better decisions and be a better person. 
Truth be told, I was dreading this christmas away from home, away from a loving partner, and looking back on the difficulties of the year.  But, my brother, his wife and my little neice will be joining the family Christmas this year for the first time and I hope that it will be special for that alone. 

I'm going to be diving into some of the topics I've discussed here in more detail in the run up to Christmas.*

Resolution 4: Blog more.

PUNK-ture!

Franko had a puncture on Friday. It was a slow puncture and after having to call out the AA to fit the teeeeeney spare wheel I didn't even know I had- it became clear just what had caused it; a great big nail in Frankos tyre. Poor little Franko looked terribly pathetic with his tiny little spare wheel. It reminded me of Nemo's lucky fin.

Having no car, and being on a training course in Birmingham this week meant resorting to my old mode of commuting- Train! I've missed the train.  I miss being able to read, people watch and listen to my own little soundtrack.  I even miss my walks to and from the station even though I haven't missed the soaking wet clothes from walking in the rain.  Having said that, I've also had to get a bus the last two days and I have to say it's one of the most DIRE experiences now, getting a bus.  FULL of smelly, wierdo's and irritating children.  The seats are dirty and damp, and there's ALWAYS an obligatory empty bottle or drinks can rolling around on the floor up and down the bus which no one wants to touch in case they get infected with disease.  VILE.

After waiting for three days to get his special size tyre delivered (at a cost of £100!?!) I've finally got him back on the road.  I bought him a lovely new cherry air freshener, a boot bag, and a nice car cover for the winter to protect him from the frost and snow, all for being good at the garage while he got fixed.  :)

Welcome back Franko!!!


 

Pause.

Nearly three months since my last post. 

You could say I'm in limbo.  No real place to call home.  Still struggling to get clarity on what I want and what is right for me.  I miss my home immensely but I guess you can make anywhere a home.

Having said that, the last three months have brought about some further changes.  I managed to land myself a new job, which I've now been posted in for three weeks.  I'm exhausted from training course after training course... but ultimately, I think this will be a really challenging and interesting job that I can really develop into.  Plus, despite Teresa May's best efforts, my job "should" be secure for at least two years.  I think that's as secure as a job is going to get under this government. Score. What's not so good is the fact that moving away from some good friends at my old work location is making me feel even more isolated.  My friends provided me with the laughs, alcohol and chats that were keeping me going... and now I've moved away from them too.  I know my new team will fill that gap eventually, but that takes time, and right now, having something solid, continuous and stable was such a welcome thing. 

Because of my new job I've had to ditch my rail commuter pass, and get myself a car.  He's a matt black Fiat 500 called Franko, and he's awesome.  He has blue stripes and although he's not too fast, he turns heads and makes an impression.  I love seeing people walk passed him in the carpark and comment on how awesome his paint job is.  :-) He makes me smile. And I need that at the moment.
I have to say I am NOT liking driving to work.  I miss the train journey; the space to snooze, read, spy, people watch, listen to my mp3 player and lose myself for a while, absolve myself of the responsibility of transporting myself from one place to another... now I have to sit in the same position for 30 boring minutes, a slave to a set posture and a radio station.  It's restrictive.  However, I'm not unaware of the advantages- no waiting around, no 15 minute walk in the freezing rain before and after my journey, being able to wear heels to work! And of course, showing the world Franko.

My little neice is due in 9 days time.  Unfortunately seeing as she will be born and living in Japan, you could say my Auntie skills won't be particularly well utilised, but it's exciting nonetheless. 

I spent yesterday painting a friend's nursery wall which winded up looking pretty awesome... it was nice to be around paint again.  I have some creative projects on the horizon, which means I also need to get my shit together and sort out accomodation so that I can work on these projects effectively.  I have two cake toppers to do for August, and some band artwork to work on too so I'm really looking forward to "finding myself" again by immersing myself in creative practice again.

These things are good for me.  I need these things.