Slumps.

I seem to lumber from one mound of stress to another these days!  I seem to have just come out of my last slump which I think I put mainly down to being ill for about two weeks.  I just felt rubbish... low, ugly, not confident, not myself, ill, tired, achey, tired of being ill and fed up of feeling lonely and inadequate and generally all round shit.  I like the warmer weather but I hate the insecurities it brings with my figure and ghostly white skin. However I'm starting to feel better despite pretty sad and anxious at leaving my lovely team in a weeks time and starting my new job. 

It's just speeding round now.  I'm gutted, genuinely gutted, to be leaving my team.  No more banter or crying from laughter... exchanging it for an hour long, traffic ridden commute and a serious albeit important and challenging job.  I'll embrace it, but I still incredibly sad and nervous about the whole situation.  Things are changing though in my current department and as such it will help that the office I'm leaving behind won't remain the same for long.  It won't be the office I know and love anyway, so that's something.

My sculpty commissions have been continuing to roll in.  I've completed two this month and have just started a third.  I have another two lined up after that to keep me occupied for another month. :)

I don't think I have much more in the way of news until I start my new job.  I'll have to make my leaving drinks pretty special and I might just buy myself a new dress for it. :)

BOOM!

Yikes. Where to start?!

Friday couldn't come soon enough last week; the week seemed to go on forever after my first okay interview and the one from hell... I just wanted the three day weekend to come so I could relax... well kindof.

I pretty much wished most of Friday away hoping that the phonecall turning me down for the job position was over quickly so I could forget about it over the weekend.  I had already made up my mind about the first job and was prepared to turn it down on the basis that it was (wrongly) less money.  The second one, I just wanted to get the dreaded feedback and forget the whole thing.

What I wasn't expecting as my phone conveniently rang as I parked up at Sainsbugs on my way home on Friday, was for them to offer me the job!??! This was met by .... "er what?" as I tried to compute how they could possibly have cruelly got the wrong phone number to call for the job offer?! I've avoided even posting about it because the whole experience was just awful... consisting of analysing a case study for ten minutes, then getting an hour to produce a presentation and then present it to the interview panel in ten minutes.  This was immediately followed by 5/6 challenging interview questions.  I was a bit overwhelmed with the case study; ten minutes not being long enough for me to process the pages of intell logs, crime reports and offender profiles.  I managed to string some semblance of an inference together with some recommendations but my presentation wasn't slick or structured and I rushed through it with minutes to spare. The mess up through me and I felt flustered through the interview in which I stupidly managed to end up discussing my main weakness in relation to the post (!? I mean really?! ) before finally leaving knowing I had been completely out of my depth. It was awful.

Clearly they disagreed! I was absolutely stunned and remain pretty puzzled as to how on EARTH I got offered it. I'd told everyone who asked during the week that unless no one else showed up I had ZERO chance at the job! The only thing comforting me was the fact that I had one more interview pending... the one I really want- Job C.

On Friday, I also got confirmation that I had passed the paper sift and would be given an interview date in the next couple of weeks. I've had to inform Job B about Job C, and he's kindly waiting until I get a date for the interview.  I just hope it isn't AAGES away as I don't want to keep them waiting too long for an answer.

Fingers crossed... and hopefully I can avoid any further magpies for this upcoming interview.  But, at least, if I don't get it, I have a really good job offer as a back up plan with a slightly smaller pay increase, but lots of potential and intrigue all the same. Big smiles.

I kept my good news quiet for that evening, as it was my Dad's birthday meal and I didn't want to detract from his birthday outing.  We went to a newly refurbished restaurant nearby called the Trooper which specialised in Longhorn Steaks. I opted for scallops and a tasty sea bass but the highlight was the dessert... My sister and I shared a chocolate stuffed crust pizza with a berry compote and hot chocolate sauce topping with melted marshmallows.  The tension built as we watched it get prepared and put into the Roman stone oven and I held my camera phone in anticipation of it arriving before us on the table.  Sadly, it lacked on visual presentation looking like a large, ugly cowpat but OH MY FREAKIN GOD the taste was IMMENSE.  It was by the far the most amazing pudding I have tasted in some time and I KNOW my puddings.  It was just delicious; oozing with warm, smooth, chocolate sauce and a light chocolate pizza dough base.  Perfection.

Saturday was spent sculpting; eagerly trying to finish my latest commission before my deadline next weekend.  Problems hit left, right and centre as I had major stability problems with both figures which I've only partially fixed.  I'm not happy with the arms either, struggling to fit the two together properly and having to bodge the arms a little bit at the back. These are all things that I need to resolve next weekend.

Sunday; N, Becko and her partner E, set off for a day hiking in the Peaks.  With perfect walking conditions (not too hot, but dry and overcast) we climbed three very steep hills; the challenge being getting down most of them rather than getting up! One was particularly steep on the slope down, with any semblance of gravelly pathways just turning to loose, marbles under your feet.  It was easier to grip on to the grass and just slowly edge your way down on all fours.  We were out from about 11.30 to 4.30 walking, exploring and absorbing the sights.  I got some brilliant photographs which probably still don't do justice to the views or the height.

A truly perfect day, aside from some annoying and uncomfortable tummy cramps. A day of fresh air, energy bars, leg muscles, landscapes and scrambling up and down steep slopes and across sweeping green fields.  Needless to say I slept like a baby that night!

Bank Holiday Monday was a slightly less energetic affair with me spending most of the day reading up on some interview prep documents, a bit of sculpting and washing little Franko.  Not very exciting I think you will agree, but all necessary tasks!

So with my weeks at my current job looking numbered, I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can.  Changes are coming... big ones... and all for the good.  :)

Now if I could just get rid of those magpies...

Round Up!

Another busy weekend has flown by!

Last Friday was my boss' leaving do (due to having to take forced retirement thanks to the Government bringing in A19).  We started at a nearby pub straight after work, followed by a trip to the dogs.  I was mislead into purchasing my whole evening's worth of bets in one go and I put £2.00 per race on a Reverse Forecast.  This cost me £20, but since I'd chosen my two lucky numbers I thought I couldn't go wrong.  Shortly after the first race however, I discovered that Forecast meant the two I had chosen HAD to finish First AND Second.  I thought I only had to get one to win, so I pretty much thought my chances were screwed.

I was wrong.  I had TWO races where my lucky numbers finished first and second, winning £13 the first time and £14 the second; leaving with a profit of £7! Wooohoo!  My lucky numbers never let me down. :-)
Following this, and with many a drunk Officer in tow, we headed to another pub.  I was driving so I finally got home at 1.30am having dropped off two people including my boss. 

Saturday evening I hit the town with H, going to our local first of all and then heading into the city for cocktails at Marco Pierre Whites where we caught a cool breeze out on the terrace of The Cube.  It was a lovely view, watching the sunset over concrete-y Brum.  Unfortunately, as with many of these places, the only downside to the nice environment was the snotty, pathetic, bitchy crowd.  We later met up with N, his brother, his girlfriend and an old mate a bit later in the evening.  It was far too hot to stay in the Yardbird so we ended up outside.

Sunday I spent some time with the family, in particular my Grandparents who I haven't seen for a few months.  My Grandad's stories make me laugh, and I love how him and my Grandma still hold hands and have play fights.  I ended Sunday at the Gym where I'm trying to rebuild all the strength I lost when I had to take three weeks off from the Gym due to my Labyrinthitis/ Vertigo. To my amazement I was able to lift one of the higher freeweights which made my evening, however, I still have a long way to go to re-tone and re-build.  I'm cutting down so much on cardio, sticking to a bit of rowing or cycle just as a warm up exercise. 

I've just been given the go ahead for a new wedding cake topper commission so I need to get round to some preliminary sketches this weekend. 
I've lost my prescription sunglasses so I also need to take on the onerous, horrendous task of getting my eyes tested and new glasses.
I also had a really good write up from my supervisor as to my performance over the last year and have been given a bit more training in order to take the reigns on the departments website, so I'm chuffed with that too.
I'm also sleeping much better thanks to some handy ear plugs. This is massively helping my appetite and general mood

Things feel good. Busy... but good.

Crafty!

I recently completed a small cake topper commission for a birthday cake- Hope you can guess who the 80's Popstar is...!?

For more nuggets of miniature awesome visit my website.

General Waste.

HAHA!

I just realised- my dear friend Miss P included me in a top 5 blog list a few days ago so anyone directed to my blog from her wonderful link would have been confronted by my Fuck You- From a Blonde post.  Probably not the best first impression! :-D

What news what news I hear you ask...

Well, I have been working hard both at work and in the gym.  My little muscle is coming along nicely- I even went up a free weight size last night so even though it's still tiny weights, it's all progress in the right direction.  I am still enjoying it and want to see a bit more of an improvement in my general cardio strength and fitness before I start running.  My legs are already feeling much stronger, though I've not managed to find a combat class at a suitable time to join yet but this is hopefully going to be my next thing.  :-)

My car naming skills have reached new heights- I am now getting requests for my naming abilities by the fabulous Miss P herself!!!  I'm starting to feel like one of those spiritual guides who can read cars...!

Speaking of cars- I have a confession.  The long and short of it is that I spent £200 on car products. :-S ... I know what you're thinking... Nutbag.  Yeah that's what I thought too. 
So as you know my little Franko is matt black, this makes him both awesome and a great big freaking pain in the arse to clean, but mostly awesome.   I have to buy a special shampoo for matt black paint which costs £30 a bottle from a rather lovely little company called Swissvax.  Well, I decided to buy some new shampoo and some wax from them as they're the only company who care enough for my little Franko's sensitive skin.. I mean.. paint.  SOOO, I ended up buying shampoo, wax, some new cloths which looked rather nice... and then some pre-cleaner for the wax, and the cloths that went with it, and some wax pads.  And before I knew it... it was £203 right there in the cyber basket! A lot I know... but I won't have to buy much more for him for a looong time, and he WILL look fabulous for it.  And it's an investment, looking after his paintwork which will hopefully sell him in the future if it's looked after properly... sounds a good enough excuse anyway! I'll let you know how I get on with the wax when I pluck up the courage to use it.  I might just add that this wax smells freakin AMAZING.  I want to eat it.  Not only will Franko look amazing, he will smell amazing too. Yeah baby.

I've spent the last two weekends working on a small cake topper commission.  It's been a welcome return to doing something creative.  I've also managed to pick up a new wedding cake commission from work which I've got booked in to start at the end of June.  Can't wait!

I have mostly been listening to Skrillex this week and eating Jaffa Cakes. 

Good news also - I have sourced THREE more tubs of my mint ice cream.  WOOT! Spring can now commence.

Reflections on 2012 part 1.

The year is drawing to a close.

I started off 2012 having left my best friend and partner of 8 years*, my home, alot of my belongings and the place where my heart and soul had resided for a year, impressing its gentle watermarks into the walls, surfaces and ambiance of each room.  My mum was recovering from her breast cancer surgery, and my job was once again potentially under threat at a place where I'd found many friends and felt like one of the family. 

Everything felt upside down.  I was exhausted and mostly in tatters and about this time last year I had already decided that something had to change. 

By January, I was back at my parents home, sleeping in a cold, back room of the house on a sofa bed.   I started looking around for other jobs around this time too.  By March, I was getting interviews for new jobs and after a few successful ones and two job offers I opted for a new job in Walsall, a promotion, and all round challenge.  It was to be my second huge step into the unknown so early on into the year and despite the fears and conflictions I seized the opportunity as a new start.

During these months of interviews and CV's an job spiel, two things happened- I learnt how to juggle (!) and I met L* who was working down the coridoor in a temporary office.  L has become my biggest smile of 2012.  In him, I have found a true best friend for life and I owe him an awful lot for his stoic support, kind words and encouragement over the year.  I love him dearly and hope I never ever lose his friendship.
In contrast, during this time I met a second person who would be my biggest mistake of the year.  I also thought, this person- who I won't even grace with an initial, would be a true friend.  I shared a great deal with them and, perhaps mislead by the sadness and instability in my life at the time, I leant on them for support.  Instead, my trust was betrayed and I got caught up in bitter mind games resulting in nothing but let down, hurt and confusion. 

I started my new job at the end of April.* The timing couldn't have been better as I needed to get away from the pressure cooker of friend-politics that had been building.  After three years communting by train, I had to step away from time tables, platforms, reading newspapers and books in a carriage and healthy, brisk walks- and swap it for a 25 minute commute of sitting still staring at a road surface.  I felt lost, stepping away from the comforts of my good friends, my work family who I had loved seeing daily- into a cold, old building in a very different area of the West Midlands.  At a time where I craved stability and order, I found the transition hard but was relieved to find that my new working team was friendly and welcoming. 
Resolution 1: Be more active.

Despite my friendly team, the job itself has brought about a new perspective of policing, people, culture and criminality.  Instead of working on the peripheries of policing in a supportive role, I've learnt an awful lot from being thrust into the thick of actual police work.  It's opened my eyes and altered some of my opions, and this in turn has added to my angst and fury at this odeous, bile-inducing- Government's policies. It's left me very resentful, as I'm sure regular blog readers will already know with many of my posts this year taking on a political rant tone in utter disgust at some of the unjustified impositions this Tory government has created. 
Resolution 2: Be less angry.

May saw the birth of my little neice- Natalie*; another small blossom of newness, hope and smiles in an otherwise tumultuous and rocky time. 

In late July, early August, our family cat Oscar had to be put down*.  He was a friendly, clumsy, 14 year old black and white cat who had seemed well up until the week before his death.  He had a deteriorating heart condition due to his age.  I'm glad that I was with him when he was put to sleep.  I held him, stroked his head as his eyes closed, and kissed him goodbye with a thank you for his life in our family home.  He's left a small hole.  Our remaining cat, Phoebe misses him, and she has been changed by his absence. She seems lost sometimes, and anxious of being alone- something I can very much relate to this year.  I miss him too.

Living back at the family home after almost ten years of independence hasn't come easy.  It's had an impact on my family relationships, some of which I will discuss later*. 

My creativity hasn't gone by the wayside this year either.  It's been a busy, chaotic year but I've managed to find time to complete some sculpture projects amidst it all.  I think one of my resolutions next year will be to make more time for creative projects.  That means more photo's.  More clay.  And learning a new skill.
Resolution 3: Be more creative.

My main trip of the year was my visit to Brugge with N.  It was a beautiful place and it was great taking photographs, breathing clean air into my lungs, and just experiencing being somewhere so quaintly, stunning. Whilst I don't think the two of us felt completely relaxed, images and sights will remain alive in my memory with fondness and warmth.  Highlights included a fantastic Dali exhibition, and seeing works by Miro and Picasso in smaller exhibitions there.  I also really want to go back to Brussels next year for a weekend and spend time visiting the many art galleries and museums as we only dropped by for a couple of hours on our way home. 

Fast track a couple of months and I feel more settled in my job.  My team friendships grow almost daily, and I feel that each passing week brings me closer into the fold.  I am aware that my job will only be for another 12 months, but I'll try and make the most of being where I am for the time being; gathering as much training and knowledge as I can ready for my next step and challenge.  As the year closes, I'm starting to miss my home again.  Whilst I have much to be grateful for, I still have things to aim for, things I need in my life in order to feel whole again.  I've entertained the thought that perhaps that bit of emptiness is okay,that it may always remain and that all I actually need to do is learn to appreciate and step back; to make more time for the things I enjoy, to laugh more and spend time with people I care about and who care about me.  This year has taught me all those things are vital and while I'm entering the christmas period feeling wary of sadness- at a time where everyone turns to family and I'm still not sure where I belong- I'm also hopeful that what I've learnt this year will help me make better decisions and be a better person. 
Truth be told, I was dreading this christmas away from home, away from a loving partner, and looking back on the difficulties of the year.  But, my brother, his wife and my little neice will be joining the family Christmas this year for the first time and I hope that it will be special for that alone. 

I'm going to be diving into some of the topics I've discussed here in more detail in the run up to Christmas.*

Resolution 4: Blog more.

Posts are like buses, you wait ages for one...

The wonderful Mrs P, whose amazing wedding I attended just a few weeks ago, has put up a blog post which is still making me smile a good hour after reading it.

See post here-   Wedding Wednesday: Top of the Cake Toppers

Needless to say, the whole little project, in which I was entrusted with the privilige of seeing outfits BEFORE the wedding!!!, was an absolute pleasure and all I hoped was that I captured the wonderful personalities of this lovely and perfect couple.

Splurge.

Yikes.

It's been a while again.  I've had bloggable tales for months but lack of computer access is preventing me blogging at the moment.

My "new" job has wierdly turned into 6 months in, and I still feel majorly lacking in knowledge and training. 

I've been let down by a good friend recently.  Though its become quickly apparant they weren't a good friend at all.  It's made me value the friendships that have lasted.  I know I don't always make the effort I should do with some of my friends- the monotany of the day to day cycle gets in the way sometimes but it's clear that those deserving of my friendship will remain in my life regardless.

I've completed a couple of sculpture projects recently which have grounded me and made me feel whole again.  The last one I completed was for Miss P's wedding.  Neither bride nor groom to be have seen it yet so I'm getting knots in my stomach thinking of them seeing it for the first time.  I really hope they like it. I love that I've been able to contribute in a small way to their big day and give them something that hopefully they can keep forever as a token of the days memories and happiness. :)  

The problem I have right now is that with work being what it is, and my accomodation situation getting steadily worse, missing the home life I once had- I've been over compensating with nights out, drinking and spending money.  I've had a bit of a splurge recently in preparation for Miss Ps wedding next weekend which I am so excited for. I have some pretty amazing shoes as a result, but I'm well aware that no amount of shoes are going to replace the hole I feel in my heart at the moment.

As much as my heart fills for them both, I have to admit it could be a hard day on a personal level... seeing old uni friends, maybe realising that so many people have what I don't have... What I could have had, maybe.  I guess no wedding is complete without the obligatory feelings of inadequacy after a few drinks. 

After next weekend- I am definitely cutting down on alcohol.

Sucker Punch.

Someone I trusted let me down.  Massively. 

It's partly my fault.  I'm an open person, and I tend to expect most people are honest.  Someone I considered a friend has proven that I need to be a little bit more cautious with my trust.  When the anger subsides, I mostly just feel furious at myself for trusting them. 

I am beginning to feel very drained.  Words aren't coming easily at the moment.  I have a week booked off work next week and I'm heading to Bruge with N for a while to recooperate relax for a bit. 

I'll spend the weekend sculpting, immersing myself in what I am good at, then fly away for a while. No phone. No tv. Just air and new sights.  I'm going to take my SLR and take some shots to reaquaint myself with the beauty and simplicity of taking a photograph through a lens.

I can't wait.

Sickness and dog parts.

I have a five day weekend starting today.

I don't feel well. Whatever I have, I've had it on and off for a week now. Bouts of fainting, upset stomach, cramps and just generally not feeling 100%.

Still, I've taken some time today to do a bit of sculpting. I'm working on a new niche which there seems to be a demand for. Albeit for me to judge what people want sculptures of. I'm working on sculpting two dachshunds for a client. I've struggled a bit since it's my first attempt at sculpting dogs from photo's. It's harder than sculpting likenesses of people, because it's slightly harder to pick up on features, plus the photo's I've been given to work from aren't great either. I'm doing my best though. I have a feeling this client is going to be hard to please as he's a bit of a dachshund fanatic... and I'm not exaggerating when I say fanantic either. I think a whole floor to ceiling office wall of dachshund photo's is enough to warrant good use of the word fanatic. At the price I'm doing it for- it'll be a matter of getting what you're given I'm afraid.

I've set myself up in my kitchen with my Sonos, laptop (screen full of dachsunds), my sculpting tools and clay. It's dark and chucking it down with rain outside. Under these LED spotlights catching flecks of rain water on the windows as it beats against the glass, I'm listening to Bon Iver and feeling reflective. I think it's because I'm not feeling well but I'm feeling a bit teary. It's probably because the night's are drawing in now and my body's noticing the lack of light hours.

Better get back to sculpting dog bits.

Don't forget the Duck Tape.

One commission almost down... just got to cook it once I have client approval.

I haven't started packing for Download yet. I have SO much to do... and two nights to do it in. What do I go and do? Book tickets to watch the new Senna film at the cinema tomorrow night! That now leaves me ONE night to obtain and pack everything I could possibly need for Download.

I have a list. No actually, I have TWO lists. I love lists... couldn't do without them. List maintainance is my only downfall. Once the list is written, and I find the whole process very very useful and comforting, I do struggle actually using the list to its full potential by either losing it or ignoring it.

So I have my list. I have various bags of stuff that I've bought especially to help me survive- but I need to actually start packing clothes and bits. I still need to get Duck tape. (Is it Duck or Duct, I've never found out!?)... this will be one essential item for emergencies. ( In case we get our tent slashed, not for kidnapping I might add).

I think really, I'm too excited and nervous to start packing. I'm keeping one eye on the weather this week also.

Oh yeah and I have Jury Service next month. Boo. But I can't focus or waste energy on this yet.

The next time I blog... I will be Post-Download. You could say Downloaded.

Juice!

Of the creative kind I might add.

Crazy stuff is happening all at once.

I've had four weeks of training courses at work since I'm moving over to a new team next month involved in the implementation of a new system. I'm not single-handedly running the show anymore so that's taken a bit of pressure off. However, loads of other stuff has moved in it's place. This is both good and bad.. but mostly good.

I am embarking on an NVQ Level 2 Certificate in Business Administration at work... pretty much because it's free and it might make it harder for Theresa May to get rid of my job next year. Bitch.

At the same time as this... I've been getting the odd enquiry from my website about model commissions. One of these has resulted in a full order which is great news... though I'm undercharging to start with. Due to this increase in interest I've put together some official documents to give the whole process a proper structure to help me feel more in control and professional. I'm also working on the idea of a new sideline website entirely devoted to my commission work. I've also spent this evening making up an order book so I can plan orders and deadlines without things overlapping and my time being mis-managed.

As a result of getting to know people at work, and showing them my website/artwork I've also received a further commission which will start immediately after completing this current one. Because I've charged less, we're in talks about a possible advertising link up with a local business. More great news!

With my creativity getting back into gear, I've been delighted to see the results of the few weeks of part time work I did at the Animation Studio last year. It just looks so awesome and I'm so happy I was a part of it, albeit a very small part.

You can view the advert *here*. Look out for my Hero Barley right at the end. :-)

As if all that wasn't enough... N and I went to see Maybeshewill in Birmingham a few weeks ago and they were jaw-droppingly good. They blew me away, and even retweeted me after the gig to my suprise... though embarrassingly I did say I was in love with them. Oops. I haven't felt this amazed by a band for years. They make me feel like Radiohead used to (and still do sometimes). I feel emotional, chills, I get lost in it... It's just incredible stuff and I can almost feel energy from it pulsing through my bloodstream when I listen to it. I feel re-awakened.

ANNNNDDDD.... STILL there's more... Download Festival is a mere week and a half away and I still haven't a clue how to put my tent up. I have that nervous excited feeling about it because it's going to be a big smack in the face of awe, amazement, nasty smells, bad food, weather, complicated hair issues and poo. SO much to get, plan, do and pack before the big day though... Think it may be time to get my list writing pen out.

Busy times my friends... but busy is good right?
:-)