Tying Knots.

After a lovely holiday in Devon with the family with sea breezes, sunshine and lots of puppy time with my furry nephew Milo, our smiles were turned upside down by the news that my Grandma has been diagnosed with stomach cancer.

I went to see her in hospital on Sunday and she was still smiling and laughing but it was just heart-breaking to hear her say she had "too much to see before she goes".  I've been thinking.  It's made me so aware of everything she is going to miss.  She said she wanted to see people get married- yet I fear she may miss my little sister getting married in the next year or two.  It breaks my heart.

I've cried.  I know how lucky I am to have four Grandparents still at the age of 32 but I am not used to having to deal with death as a result of that.  I have been dreading this... and now it is before me... somewhere in the near future I will be losing my Grandma.  I also hate seeing my Mum so upset.  She has fought cancer, along with her sister.  It robbed her of her time, energy and femininity five years ago and now yet again, she is faced with it taking away her mother.  And as if that isn't cruel enough, if my Grandma lives past Christmas, she could pass away the same year that my Mother get's the all clear.  Fucking cruel.

I've been angry.  I deal with such evil and awful people day in and day out in my job, and yet this sweet, kind, quiet old lady gets this awful disease.  It infuriates me.  It's just not fair. 

I know I have to be strong and face this, but it is hard.

I'm trying to support a friend in need at the moment and also trying to keep in contact with M while he is offshore for his next tour of duty.  I miss him far more than I thought... but have managed to talk to him daily which helps.  He has also sent me an amazing wood print of Birth Machine by HR Giger as a lasting memory of our first holiday together.  It's the most amazing thing and it's made me more sure that I have to make this person happy and keep them close. 

I know I can look at this situation two ways.  My first thought was that just when I thought everything was falling into place and I find someone I love, this awful thing has happened and I am faced with losing someone I love.  I am trying to think of this on it's head and say that I have found someone at a time when I will need them most. 

Chin up. Keep smiling.

The Sickness.

So, I can finally swallow without having to physically build up to dealing with the pain! Woohoo! My tonsillitis is finally on the way out! ... which consequently means I am back to work tomorrow.  Well, for two days at least, and those two days are spent on two training courses so it's not too taxing. 

Last week was full of headaches (which seem to also be easing although the odd twinge remains and I'm relying less on ibuprofen and Panadol); swollen glands; razorblade throats and white tonsils... but it's also been tinged with a bit of maternal stress.

My beautiful leopard gecko Gizmo has stopped eating.  She's had NO food for well over three weeks now and has lost weight. I took her to a reptile vet on Friday where she was X-Rayed and given a once over but nothing no explanation could be found.  The vet said she looks otherwise healthy and to her she didn't look underweight yet but I'm still so worried about her.  The vet gave me a course of antibiotics which has been a bit of a mission administering to her via syringe but I haven't seen any improvements.  I've tried changing the food type- no interest in locusts, crickets, morio's or mealworms.  I've tried cutting the legs off the hoppers to make it easier for her to catch- still no interest.  I've got to take her back to the vet in a few more days if she's still not eaten and I'm panicking as to how much the next steps could cost since she'll require intensive tests and a stay at the vets. I've even begged with her... but she just blinked at me.  As well as all this, I get the impression she no longer trusts me since I've had to handle her every day and each time I have it's been to put foul tasting stuff in her mouth - causing her more stress.  So not only do I feel like a bad mum because she's ill; I feel like she hates me for it too.

Being a Mum sucks. 

Other things that suck:
- Weddings everywhere
- Valentines fucking day
- Loads of films being out at the cinema and having no one to go with.
- Not being able to go to my friends wedding party because of my dickhead ex being there.

The Takeover Continues...

The Takeover

... and now this...

Thousands of spiders 'bleed out of the walls' and force family from home.

I think it's fairly appropriate to say... WTAF!?

Letting Go.

Bad Things:

I've avoided posting this for a while.  The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest I've experienced for a very very long time.  I've managed to pull myself back together... or just about, and feel like I can move forward albeit tentatively.

N has been a big part of my life for the last decade.  We were together for eight years and even when I left two years ago we remained very close, still seeing each other regularly and spending time together when we could.  I never ever pictured my life without him, rightly or wrongly and continued to tell people who didn't understand how we remained so close, that he was my soulmate and always would be.

N has met someone now, and recently told me that there would be no chance of us recovering our past relationship and that it would be best if we no longer continued to stay in touch. Despite me knowing this could have been a reality, hearing it so bluntly threw me for six.  I was now faced with having to face the unknown of the rest of my life without my best friend. It hurt. A lot. It hurt that I was no longer considered irreplaceable in his life and that he had moved forward with out the need for me in his life.  I think it hurt an awful lot more than I ever thought it would, but then I'd never really let myself think about it.  For a good two weeks I was pretty broken, feeling like the world had been turned upside down and left fighting the dark, this in the first two weeks of my new job too.  Stress. It's been awful.  I stopped eating and sleeping and basically drifted along in a state of misery for two weeks.  My new job was stressful and I was missing my friends and colleagues hugely... I still do.

Good things:

But I'm back.  It is what it is, and whilst it hurt a great deal it's important that I keep plodding on.  It's scary, but I've realised just how great my family and friends have been in supporting me.

I face a long road alone now... and whilst that scares me it's important that I get used to my own company and learn to live without the friends I've come to rely on.  Obviously they will be there, but they all have their own lives and I need to shape mine be that on my own or with someone I may meet in the future.  I think for my sake I need to try and get used to the fact that I may not have the happy partner, wedding, the marriage, kids and house ... but it's important I make the most of what I have not what I don't.  I'm in my thirtees, I know who I am and what I want.  If people have a problem with it they can and will walk away... I won't be chasing after them.  If I can't find a companion and soulmate then so be it... but I'm determined to be happier than I feel now.  Alone or otherwise.

I went to a Tarot night on Friday.  My cards were brilliant... They showed my present - a big argument, losing a loved one, letting go. They showed security and success in my job with a possible further promotion at some point.  It warned me to steer clear of a person connected to work who is two faced.  I know who this was. It also told me there was a man coming into my life soon, it said I was going away shortly (to Belgium later this month) and that I needed to not hang on to the past anymore.  It all makes sense... and no matter what people's thoughts are on the topic, I felt like it was all very relevant.  I also spoke to a "psychic" man who asked me without any prompting what who the man with the dry hands was (this is N who had dermatitis!) and said that I was missing him. He also told me about a man with epaulettes, built frame who I should be wary of.  This matched up with my cards warning me about the person at work. It was all a bit of fun... not sure I was convinced by the psychic guy's talents although he did ask some questions and picked up that I made things in great detail (my sculpting) and that I recently had a problem with my cars brakes which was odd considering I'd never spoken to him before! He said he could picture me with a big car in the future and possibly with my own shop! :-D

I have a date tonight.  It's a bit of fun and I'm not expecting it to go anywhere but it'll get me back into the dating scene and get used to meeting new people again.  Who knows.

I have the Belgian GP also in a few weeks. I was meant to be going with N but I am now going with my dear Becko so it should still be a fun little adventure. 

I have a mini reunion next weekend with uni chums for the fabulous Mrs P's birthday. This will be bittersweet as it will be my first meeting with N since everything.  We won't have had any contact for nearly three weeks.  I'm not sure how I will feel, made tougher by the fact I will be the only single person there, but I just need to be strong and try and enjoy seeing friends who I don't get to see often, in a city I love, in our old haunts.

I have also booked tickets to the next BTCC event in Rockingham in early September so I have that to look forward to also! :)

I spent a good hour on Skype this morning with my neice, bro, sister in law and my folks who are over in Japan visiting.  She blew me bubbles and showed me her playdough desk and tools- she might be a budding little sculptor like me! She even blew me a kiss when I said goodbye... she is so precious and I can't wait to meet her again, hopefully in the next year or so.

I just need to keep smiling and remind myself often that everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Buckle Up.

What. A. Week.

Monday was my first day in my new job.  Talk about being thrown in at the deep end.  As is typical of my organisation I literally rocked up on my first day, nervous as hell and was handed some numbers and told to pretty much get on with it.  Fortunately there is another girl doing the same role who was equally as bewildered as I was.  When I was taken to my first meeting on Monday afternoon expecting to have prepared a report and be able to deliver it to the meeting, I pretty much felt like I'd made a massive mistake in leaving the comfort  and familiarity of my old team.  As it turned out, there had been a cock up and the meeting was actually scheduled for that morning so I managed to escape certain embarrassment by delivering to a meeting that I had NO idea about. 

Tuesday got worse, and I winded up emailing the Sgt who was overseeing the roll out of our jobs to different sectors to complain that we had effectively been left to do a job without any training or preparation.  It fell on deaf ears, and Tuesday night I got home and cried, wanting to re-apply for my old job.

However, I think the breakdown did me good and cleared my head a little.  Wednesday saw a slight improvement as I embraced the uncertainty and focussed on the good points of the role which include actually having just one job to focus on.  On Thursday I delivered to my first conference and the feedback was that I sounded professional and precise which was amazing considering how nervous I felt. 

I feel better about it... I think it will improve as I settle and feel more comfortable in the role.  I need a few more meetings under my belt to get me used to the way they work.  I know at some point there is going to be a confrontation due to the sensitive nature of the meeting, so that will be a new and challenging aspect to the role that I haven't experienced yet.  Can't say I'm looking forward to that aspect but it's part and parcel of the work and can only improve the skills I already have. 

The new job has been the sandwich filling nestled firmly between two large, soft and wonderfully tasty slices of awesomeness this week.  On Monday night I went to see Extreme, straight after work, and having had ZERO sleep.  Rock. AND. Roll.  Extreme's 90's hair metal classic album Pornograffiti is one of the albums of my childhood- and yes I am aware how inappropriate that sounds - however the music itself is amazing, cheesy as hell, but amazing-feel-good cheese which warms my soul.  I know every detail of the album inside out and one of my memories of it is playing it at my 7/8th birthday party much to the bemusement of my7/8 year old, flowery dress-adourned party invitees.  Awesome.  They were aging, but brilliant.  As a 25th anniversary tour of the album, they played the FULL thing in its entirety.  Nuno still looks FIT AS, despite approaching 50.  Brilliant, I honestly haven't felt as happy as I did when I was singing away to "Hole Hearted" and I pretty much think I was mesmerised at one point by Nuno's solo- skills. Unbelieveble.  And he makes it look so easy.

At the other end of the week - Friday night I went to see The Penguin Café Orchestra which again, is another childhood musical experience.  The music reminds me of my Dad, and brings back so many cherished and happy memories of sitting as a family in the lounge, chatting, laughing and listening to the music all together.  The concert was at The Lichfield Cathedral which couldn't have been a more acoustically perfect setting for the music.  It sounded beautiful and just made my soul feel content and relaxed and happy.  I'd seen them once before, and possibly preferred their first offering in terms of content, however I love how the guy who now runs the orchestra is the son of the original founding member, and he recalls how the music relates to his childhood from the time when I too remember first hearing it all.  The parallels are as wonderfully fitting to me as the music is to it's own individual themes and concepts. 

After such an emotionally charged and stressful week I've taken this weekend off any sculpture projects to recharge my batteries.  Saturday was spent catching up with my two besties, N and Markuus, at the Fuse festival in Lichfield which consisted of sitting in a field drinking strawberry cider in the sunshine and listening to a number of acoustic sets and some good old fashioned sea shanties.

Today I've come to Nottingham to see family as I've spent so many of the last few weekends working on sculptures and commissions that I've not seen my Grandparents in months.  Time is precious, and so I've ensured today is spent in their company.  A roast is being prepared, and I look forward to spending an hour or two round the dinner table listening to my Grandad recount old stories and tales from his past, many of which I've heard before... but that I love hearing again and again nonetheless.

:-) Happy.

The Brink.

I am teetering on the edge.

I look down- it's a big black hole, so deep I can't see where it ends.

I look back- there is noise, confusion, blue skies and storm clouds, faces, voices, shouts and laughter, excitement and fear. So much commotion that sometimes I'd just rather jump in and disappear into the blackness.

The only trouble is not knowing how long the freefall lasts, or where I land.

And the being alone.

Skins.

I saw a facebook post recently which was for some charity event- Children In Need if I remember rightly, where some high profile women had gone "Bare Faced" for some publicity shots.  The fact that most of these women were models anyway - with naturally good skin, bone structure etc aside, I got the point which (although not executed brilliantly) was still a fair enough effort at raising the issue of women's self esteem.

 

It got me thinking. 

 

Over the years, some of which may be detailed in this blog from earlier times, I have battled with low self esteem.  Mostly from my physical appearance as I am highly confident in my beliefs, opinions and actions for the most part- some would say perhaps too confident! 

Being so petite (skinny, as fatter people prefer to call it) and pale, I don't fit in the to the feminine hourglass, curvy figure.  I spent a huge portion of my formative years feeling completely inadequate physically, mostly due to the eagerness of other people to point out that I was "too thin".  I've been called ugly, skinny, been in the company of fat people who just love to call you scrawny and put you down, and we all know those awful people who love taking bad photographs of others because it makes them feel better about themselves.  You don't have experience of self harm without having some sort of disrespect for yourself and obviously I have the scars to prove it. Bad cycle. 

Whilst I'm able now to put a lot of these things down to other people being shits, it's all still left it's mark and I continue to have issues with aspects of my figure and my body.  It's not just my skinny, bony, pale body and lack of boobs either; I've spent many years staring at my face in the mirror and hating my nose and ears and the general shape of my tiny head.  It's why I hate photographs of myself. 

 

This brings me to the main point of my post.  Whilst I probably feel the most comfortable I have about my body (which is still probably poor compared to the average woman) I, like most of my female peers, wouldn't even dream of leaving the house without make up.  Never.  It just won't happen.  In fact I can even remember my worst fear coming true one day when I got up to find that I had run out of eye-liner.  The prospect of going into public WITHOUT eye-liner on in order to buy some, was too horrific, and I had to send N out to get a new one before I could leave the house. 

 

It's awful really.  Its my face, where so much of my personality comes out and is presented.  I am very confident in my beliefs, my opinions, my morals, and my passions and they all come out through my face, my mouth, my eyes, my expressions.  However to sit in front of a mirror and look at my face with make up on is a highly uncomfortable experience for me.  Looking at it WITHOUT make up- even more so. 

 

The women who have posed without make up for those publicity shots however, have inspired me through the comfort of my blog, my small, tiny window to the world, to do the same. 

 

So, feeling brave, here I am.  With no make up.  No eyeliner, no blusher.  Nothing.  I think I was fortunate that the soft lighting has bleached out the dark eye circles and patchy skin... but still, this is me- as naked as my face can get.

 



  

 

Scary stuff. 

Common Spider Myths.

Or... Things people tell me about Spiders which aren't true.

1. Spiders eat flies.

I've never ever seen a spider eat anything.  I've seen flies caught in their traps, and I've seen them wrap their corpses into little packages of death- but I've never seen one eat.  I pose the question- Why, if they eat flies, do they live in houses where there are LESS flies? Why do house spiders hunt on floors and ceilings instead of making traps against open windows or better yet, why not live OUTSIDE where the flies live? I put to you that they have no interest in eating flies, and are hunting an altogether BIGGER prey.  What are they surviving on? Do they feed on skin cells? Who knows.


2.  Spiders are more scared of you than you are of them.

This is false TWO FOLD. 

Firstly, I have a phobia.  This scientifically means my fear is irrational- however I prefer to say that my physical reaction is irrational, but my fear is actually based on the FACT that these are evil creatures. I doubt you would find a spider with an equal amount of fear than I have of them.

I have yet to find a spider PHOBIC of humans.  As an arachnophobe I seek to be AWAY from Spiders. Spiders seek ME. Spiders do not avoid human company, they use our homes, our beds, and our freaking handbags for their evil deeds.
Spiders have tried to reach me throughout my life.  Much like dogs- they either smell fear, OR they're pissed because I've intelligently worked them out and they wish to harm me by making me a target. I involuntarily come in to contact with spiders far more than most of my peers.


3. Spiders can't fly.

I've seen this happen.  A spider flying through the air, with no web line attached to it.  I watched it... and I KNOW what I saw. Also, Daddy Long Legs look ALOT like Spiders with wings and I reckon they're an adaptation.


 4. Spiders aren't intelligent.

Wrong again. 

They hunt.  They build highly complicated traps and fishing lines of webs.  I've even seen one stop in front of a closed door. Stop. Lower itself, and crawl under the door, only to stop the other side.  What was it doing in those few paused moments? THINKING. It was thinking, and it knew to lower its legs and crawl under.  Intelligence. They think, they know, they have eight eyes for fucks sake.  I honestly believe they know who is aware of their intelligence and who isn't, as I'm pretty sure I've been targeted by them for years now.
Similarly, some have learnt how to travel the globe via banana crates, and laying eggs into imported fruit and vegetables.


5. Spiders are harmless.

They can bite, sting, eject irritant hairs into the eyes of "predators", some can kill.  A creature which is harmless, wouldn't provoke centuries of myth and folklore surrounding its evilness.  Spiders are associated with the occult, with evil (see LOTR Trilogy), fear and repulsion (see Greek myth- Arachne). I'm pretty sure they're capable of mass structures to ensnare humans- you've only got to take a look in my Dads shed for evidence of this. 


I'm happy to dispel further myths if readers think of any. Take note.

Invader.

So there I was... casually walking into my room, seeing my bright red, every-day handbag on the bedroom floor, reaching in side to get out my purse.  I opened up my purse and held it in front of me to look for my card, still bending down to place it back in my bag afterwards, when something caught my eye... something out of the ordinary was sitting in my bag.  And then my brain kicked in... my eyes focused in on a spider, sitting in my bag. 

Obviously, I threw my freakin purse and fell backwards.

A few moments of shock passed, and I returned to look in my bag for confirmation... the bastard had moved. 

Fuck.

I picked up the handles, and threw it out my bedroom, where it landed on it's side, but with most of the contents still in the bag.  I was hoping to see the little, evil cretin run out but it didn't.  Panic now ensued, because not only had I no idea where this nasty little creature was in my bag, but I'd thrown it in the path of the only exit to my bedroom.  So I was trapped, with a spider holding my handbag hostage.

The horror of the situation dawned on me when I realised my hand had been in that bag.  MY HAND.  The very thought of my skin coming into contact with a spider completely unexpectedly, quite honestly, horrifies me. 

I had no other choice but to call my Dad, who rather stupidly advised me to "Just tip it out".  Er, What now? And have it freakin' crawl towards my bare feet?? This wasn't an option.  He had to come and get it out.  Which he did, by tipping out my bag, and watching the little bastard escape into a dodgy floorboard in the bathroom.  Can I get over the fact that it was IN my handbag? No. Can I stop thinking about the prospect of it laying EGGS in my bag. No. No I can't.  Do I think about it everytime I reach into my bag? Yes. Yes I freakin do. Oh god.

The same spider, and yes I KNOW it was the same one (same size, same shape, same horrifically AWFUL legs)... this SAME spider proceeded to try and get back into my room the following day; I found it on the ceiling making it's way towards my door.  It's final attempt however, appears to have become its last.  I walked into the bathroom this evening to find it sitting in the middle of the floor.  I immediately stopped and adopted my usual Spider-terror stance, and then noticed it looked a bit weird. A slightly closer inspection revealed it's body appeared squashed... and I highly suspect my cat might have given the evil beast a friendly, playful pat on the head and accidently killed it. Good cat.

The reign of terror was over.  Though winning the battle is not winning the war.  Downstairs, I entered the living room to find one of those horrendous Orb spiders in the middle of the carpet- you know the ones with the tiny bodies and ridiculously, long, very fine legs which bend over.  I flattened it with the Radio Times.  Those ones seem weaker than the others; finer, slower. 

It's corpse is still on the floor.  I'm leaving it there as a message to the others that death WILL ensue if they persist with their assault on my house. 

Spiders: Do one. 

Reflections on 2012 pt 2: N, Where I end and You Begin...

In January, I left home.

My home.  It's almost indescribable how much I miss my house, and the walls where I encased my soul for a year.  However, I wasn't happy there.  At times it felt like a prison, and a place where I felt alone and unsupported by my partner of 8 years N. 

I met N 10 years ago at University.  We've had a tumultuous and stormy relationship from the outset but have carved a path through many trials and tribulations.  N is my soul mate and best friend.  I want to avoid cliches as they sound futile, however he is etched into my heart and always will be.  I love him deeply and have been sadenned to see sides of him I once knew and loved become lost to his career. 
He is driven and dedicated to his job.  His career literally means the world to him, and whilst I love what I do and put my all into it, it is not where my heart and soul lies.  I look to the arts, to friends, family and home life to make me happy and as we've grown into hard working adults our differing outlooks and priorities have become vastly apparant; to the extent where when I needed him most, when my Mum was diagnosed, I turned to find N largely pre-occupied with his job.  Emotional needs weren't being met and I felt pressured into appearing happy at a time when all I felt was sad, lost, confused and angry at life.

I will always love N.  A part of me longs desperately to go back to my old home, to N.  But I fear too much has now changed.  Everything I have mentioned in Reflections Pt 1 has happened without him- or with him in the distance.  He has never been too far away, which right now I am very glad about.   We've spoken every week, and met up like the old friends we used to be over the last few months.  I miss how we were.  I miss his companionship.  It's important to remember that amidst the stress and anger that engulfed is this time last year, that our relationship has been filled with laughing, closeness and a bond that can't be put into paragraphs in a blog.  He knows me.  Inside out.  All of me, my good parts, bad parts, all my flaws laid bare, and he still loves me for them... sometimes though, I fear he misinterprets my expressionist side and misunderstands my needs.

We've both had time. I've learnt a lot this year, both about myself and the situation I found myself in.  I have a new appreciation for what I had, for N and what he provided for me, but I've also grown and learnt a lesson in independence which has made me feel strengthened from within. 

I honestly don't know what next year holds for N and I.  Next year I will have to find my own place to live.  There's fear of more unknowns, but I feel equipped to cope.  I have no idea if what I am writing is a beginning or an ending; a prelude or an epilogue, whatever it is though, it's been a part of  a chaotic and emotive 2012 that I won't forget.  

Reflections on 2012 part 1.

The year is drawing to a close.

I started off 2012 having left my best friend and partner of 8 years*, my home, alot of my belongings and the place where my heart and soul had resided for a year, impressing its gentle watermarks into the walls, surfaces and ambiance of each room.  My mum was recovering from her breast cancer surgery, and my job was once again potentially under threat at a place where I'd found many friends and felt like one of the family. 

Everything felt upside down.  I was exhausted and mostly in tatters and about this time last year I had already decided that something had to change. 

By January, I was back at my parents home, sleeping in a cold, back room of the house on a sofa bed.   I started looking around for other jobs around this time too.  By March, I was getting interviews for new jobs and after a few successful ones and two job offers I opted for a new job in Walsall, a promotion, and all round challenge.  It was to be my second huge step into the unknown so early on into the year and despite the fears and conflictions I seized the opportunity as a new start.

During these months of interviews and CV's an job spiel, two things happened- I learnt how to juggle (!) and I met L* who was working down the coridoor in a temporary office.  L has become my biggest smile of 2012.  In him, I have found a true best friend for life and I owe him an awful lot for his stoic support, kind words and encouragement over the year.  I love him dearly and hope I never ever lose his friendship.
In contrast, during this time I met a second person who would be my biggest mistake of the year.  I also thought, this person- who I won't even grace with an initial, would be a true friend.  I shared a great deal with them and, perhaps mislead by the sadness and instability in my life at the time, I leant on them for support.  Instead, my trust was betrayed and I got caught up in bitter mind games resulting in nothing but let down, hurt and confusion. 

I started my new job at the end of April.* The timing couldn't have been better as I needed to get away from the pressure cooker of friend-politics that had been building.  After three years communting by train, I had to step away from time tables, platforms, reading newspapers and books in a carriage and healthy, brisk walks- and swap it for a 25 minute commute of sitting still staring at a road surface.  I felt lost, stepping away from the comforts of my good friends, my work family who I had loved seeing daily- into a cold, old building in a very different area of the West Midlands.  At a time where I craved stability and order, I found the transition hard but was relieved to find that my new working team was friendly and welcoming. 
Resolution 1: Be more active.

Despite my friendly team, the job itself has brought about a new perspective of policing, people, culture and criminality.  Instead of working on the peripheries of policing in a supportive role, I've learnt an awful lot from being thrust into the thick of actual police work.  It's opened my eyes and altered some of my opions, and this in turn has added to my angst and fury at this odeous, bile-inducing- Government's policies. It's left me very resentful, as I'm sure regular blog readers will already know with many of my posts this year taking on a political rant tone in utter disgust at some of the unjustified impositions this Tory government has created. 
Resolution 2: Be less angry.

May saw the birth of my little neice- Natalie*; another small blossom of newness, hope and smiles in an otherwise tumultuous and rocky time. 

In late July, early August, our family cat Oscar had to be put down*.  He was a friendly, clumsy, 14 year old black and white cat who had seemed well up until the week before his death.  He had a deteriorating heart condition due to his age.  I'm glad that I was with him when he was put to sleep.  I held him, stroked his head as his eyes closed, and kissed him goodbye with a thank you for his life in our family home.  He's left a small hole.  Our remaining cat, Phoebe misses him, and she has been changed by his absence. She seems lost sometimes, and anxious of being alone- something I can very much relate to this year.  I miss him too.

Living back at the family home after almost ten years of independence hasn't come easy.  It's had an impact on my family relationships, some of which I will discuss later*. 

My creativity hasn't gone by the wayside this year either.  It's been a busy, chaotic year but I've managed to find time to complete some sculpture projects amidst it all.  I think one of my resolutions next year will be to make more time for creative projects.  That means more photo's.  More clay.  And learning a new skill.
Resolution 3: Be more creative.

My main trip of the year was my visit to Brugge with N.  It was a beautiful place and it was great taking photographs, breathing clean air into my lungs, and just experiencing being somewhere so quaintly, stunning. Whilst I don't think the two of us felt completely relaxed, images and sights will remain alive in my memory with fondness and warmth.  Highlights included a fantastic Dali exhibition, and seeing works by Miro and Picasso in smaller exhibitions there.  I also really want to go back to Brussels next year for a weekend and spend time visiting the many art galleries and museums as we only dropped by for a couple of hours on our way home. 

Fast track a couple of months and I feel more settled in my job.  My team friendships grow almost daily, and I feel that each passing week brings me closer into the fold.  I am aware that my job will only be for another 12 months, but I'll try and make the most of being where I am for the time being; gathering as much training and knowledge as I can ready for my next step and challenge.  As the year closes, I'm starting to miss my home again.  Whilst I have much to be grateful for, I still have things to aim for, things I need in my life in order to feel whole again.  I've entertained the thought that perhaps that bit of emptiness is okay,that it may always remain and that all I actually need to do is learn to appreciate and step back; to make more time for the things I enjoy, to laugh more and spend time with people I care about and who care about me.  This year has taught me all those things are vital and while I'm entering the christmas period feeling wary of sadness- at a time where everyone turns to family and I'm still not sure where I belong- I'm also hopeful that what I've learnt this year will help me make better decisions and be a better person. 
Truth be told, I was dreading this christmas away from home, away from a loving partner, and looking back on the difficulties of the year.  But, my brother, his wife and my little neice will be joining the family Christmas this year for the first time and I hope that it will be special for that alone. 

I'm going to be diving into some of the topics I've discussed here in more detail in the run up to Christmas.*

Resolution 4: Blog more.

Eight Legged Freaks.

After a couple of weeks fighting the good fight and having to rid the house of these vile, evil beasts; imagine my utter horror happening upon the following article:

The Return Of Britain's Biggest Spider.

  

This article goes on to explain how ten zoos around the country have been breeding this uber spider and are about to set about releasing them into the wild.  This actually means, they've been breeding billions and billions of a massive super spider which they're now about to release into peoples homes.  We all know that these things are clever; evil-clever.  They've managed to get themselves bred with the advantages and safety of scientific-human help and now they're being released into people's houses- because we all know they rarely live outside where they could catch a hell of a lot MORE of the food they ALLEDGEDLY eat: flies;  A long held argument for their existence which is, of course, crap.  They would have no need to live inside houses if they ate flies.  There's a FAR greater chance of catching flies OUTSIDE- where all the flies are.  Needless to say, the great big bastards that stalk people's homes don't have 'catchy' webs for flies, they just leave trigger trails to pounce on and eat, what I can only assume, are other spiders or people. 

 

I have found a number of spiders in my close proximity in the last few weeks.  My knowledge of these things has grown over many years of observation and brain storming (see Spider Theory) and as such I knew the first few I saw last week were just the small ones;  The scouts.  The ones that stake out the territory before the big ones come in.  I was right. 

There it was in the bath. 

 

I tried to drown it. But it formed an umbrella with it's legs, an air pocket, so it couldn't drown.  This intelligence fills me with dread.  They know stuff.  They think.  You can see them thinking.  I therefore had to resort tothe rather uncomfortable, but necessary, scorchingto death of turning on the hot tap.  I don't care what anyone says- they're evil.  It does NOT need to be in the house.  If they wish to come up with an agreement by which they stay the fuck away from me, I will happily share the earth with them.  But if they INSIST on invading my house, trying to crawl on me, or touch me in any way shape or form, or threaten to, they will die.  Until of course they overpower us. 

 

Not entirely sure how I'm going to sleep tonight knowing that some IDIOTS have been releasing these 8cm leg span spiders with the ability to glide over water... but still, I have a whole day off work tomorrow to enjoy so sleep I must.  

Distortion.