The Takeover
... and now this...
Thousands of spiders 'bleed out of the walls' and force family from home.
I think it's fairly appropriate to say... WTAF!?
Showing posts with label Spiders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiders. Show all posts
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
The Takeover.
Two articles have caught my attention this week:
GIANT SPIDERS INVADE UK HOMES and BRUM GIRL'S SPIDER BITE HORROR
Yes, they sound like something out of an old sci-fi movie, however I am taking these very seriously.
Long have I blogged about my enemies... but it seems this could be the year they have been waiting for. I fear they may finally be making their move.
They've thrived over a mild summer, enjoying the benefits of global warming and climate change from their dusty, webbed crevices and holes getting juicy fat bodies and preening their hairy legs... grinning... waiting... until now.
And now... it's September. Their favourite time of year just happens to be my worst. Coincidence? I think not. September hits and the beasts start to gravitate towards homes looking for human flesh to feast on. I stand by my theories that Spiders do NOT eat flies.
Read *here*. Wierdly... now this is weird. I am SURE I remember blogging about my gravity ray Spider Theory, but it doesn't appear to be showing. Could they have hacked it and erased it because I was DEAD ON.???? Shit.
It would appear they have already attacked a small defenceless child. I woke up a few weeks ago with two suspicious fang marks on my leg. I still have the marks. I'm wondering now if it was a spider. It's probably waiting for my immune system to lessen as the first bite didn't do the trick.
This is not good. We've had a few in the flat... but none of the monsters being reported by the media have entered yet. Having said that, the fang marks on my leg might say otherwise.
If this is to be my last... please screenshot this post. I warned you.
GIANT SPIDERS INVADE UK HOMES and BRUM GIRL'S SPIDER BITE HORROR
Yes, they sound like something out of an old sci-fi movie, however I am taking these very seriously.
Long have I blogged about my enemies... but it seems this could be the year they have been waiting for. I fear they may finally be making their move.
They've thrived over a mild summer, enjoying the benefits of global warming and climate change from their dusty, webbed crevices and holes getting juicy fat bodies and preening their hairy legs... grinning... waiting... until now.
And now... it's September. Their favourite time of year just happens to be my worst. Coincidence? I think not. September hits and the beasts start to gravitate towards homes looking for human flesh to feast on. I stand by my theories that Spiders do NOT eat flies.
Read *here*. Wierdly... now this is weird. I am SURE I remember blogging about my gravity ray Spider Theory, but it doesn't appear to be showing. Could they have hacked it and erased it because I was DEAD ON.???? Shit.
It would appear they have already attacked a small defenceless child. I woke up a few weeks ago with two suspicious fang marks on my leg. I still have the marks. I'm wondering now if it was a spider. It's probably waiting for my immune system to lessen as the first bite didn't do the trick.
This is not good. We've had a few in the flat... but none of the monsters being reported by the media have entered yet. Having said that, the fang marks on my leg might say otherwise.
If this is to be my last... please screenshot this post. I warned you.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Common Spider Myths.
Or... Things people tell me about Spiders which aren't true.
1. Spiders eat flies.
I've never ever seen a spider eat anything. I've seen flies caught in their traps, and I've seen them wrap their corpses into little packages of death- but I've never seen one eat. I pose the question- Why, if they eat flies, do they live in houses where there are LESS flies? Why do house spiders hunt on floors and ceilings instead of making traps against open windows or better yet, why not live OUTSIDE where the flies live? I put to you that they have no interest in eating flies, and are hunting an altogether BIGGER prey. What are they surviving on? Do they feed on skin cells? Who knows.
2. Spiders are more scared of you than you are of them.
This is false TWO FOLD.
Firstly, I have a phobia. This scientifically means my fear is irrational- however I prefer to say that my physical reaction is irrational, but my fear is actually based on the FACT that these are evil creatures. I doubt you would find a spider with an equal amount of fear than I have of them.
I have yet to find a spider PHOBIC of humans. As an arachnophobe I seek to be AWAY from Spiders. Spiders seek ME. Spiders do not avoid human company, they use our homes, our beds, and our freaking handbags for their evil deeds.
Spiders have tried to reach me throughout my life. Much like dogs- they either smell fear, OR they're pissed because I've intelligently worked them out and they wish to harm me by making me a target. I involuntarily come in to contact with spiders far more than most of my peers.
3. Spiders can't fly.
I've seen this happen. A spider flying through the air, with no web line attached to it. I watched it... and I KNOW what I saw. Also, Daddy Long Legs look ALOT like Spiders with wings and I reckon they're an adaptation.
4. Spiders aren't intelligent.
Wrong again.
They hunt. They build highly complicated traps and fishing lines of webs. I've even seen one stop in front of a closed door. Stop. Lower itself, and crawl under the door, only to stop the other side. What was it doing in those few paused moments? THINKING. It was thinking, and it knew to lower its legs and crawl under. Intelligence. They think, they know, they have eight eyes for fucks sake. I honestly believe they know who is aware of their intelligence and who isn't, as I'm pretty sure I've been targeted by them for years now.
Similarly, some have learnt how to travel the globe via banana crates, and laying eggs into imported fruit and vegetables.
5. Spiders are harmless.
They can bite, sting, eject irritant hairs into the eyes of "predators", some can kill. A creature which is harmless, wouldn't provoke centuries of myth and folklore surrounding its evilness. Spiders are associated with the occult, with evil (see LOTR Trilogy), fear and repulsion (see Greek myth- Arachne). I'm pretty sure they're capable of mass structures to ensnare humans- you've only got to take a look in my Dads shed for evidence of this.
I'm happy to dispel further myths if readers think of any. Take note.
1. Spiders eat flies.
I've never ever seen a spider eat anything. I've seen flies caught in their traps, and I've seen them wrap their corpses into little packages of death- but I've never seen one eat. I pose the question- Why, if they eat flies, do they live in houses where there are LESS flies? Why do house spiders hunt on floors and ceilings instead of making traps against open windows or better yet, why not live OUTSIDE where the flies live? I put to you that they have no interest in eating flies, and are hunting an altogether BIGGER prey. What are they surviving on? Do they feed on skin cells? Who knows.
2. Spiders are more scared of you than you are of them.
This is false TWO FOLD.
Firstly, I have a phobia. This scientifically means my fear is irrational- however I prefer to say that my physical reaction is irrational, but my fear is actually based on the FACT that these are evil creatures. I doubt you would find a spider with an equal amount of fear than I have of them.
I have yet to find a spider PHOBIC of humans. As an arachnophobe I seek to be AWAY from Spiders. Spiders seek ME. Spiders do not avoid human company, they use our homes, our beds, and our freaking handbags for their evil deeds.
Spiders have tried to reach me throughout my life. Much like dogs- they either smell fear, OR they're pissed because I've intelligently worked them out and they wish to harm me by making me a target. I involuntarily come in to contact with spiders far more than most of my peers.
3. Spiders can't fly.
I've seen this happen. A spider flying through the air, with no web line attached to it. I watched it... and I KNOW what I saw. Also, Daddy Long Legs look ALOT like Spiders with wings and I reckon they're an adaptation.
4. Spiders aren't intelligent.
Wrong again.
They hunt. They build highly complicated traps and fishing lines of webs. I've even seen one stop in front of a closed door. Stop. Lower itself, and crawl under the door, only to stop the other side. What was it doing in those few paused moments? THINKING. It was thinking, and it knew to lower its legs and crawl under. Intelligence. They think, they know, they have eight eyes for fucks sake. I honestly believe they know who is aware of their intelligence and who isn't, as I'm pretty sure I've been targeted by them for years now.
Similarly, some have learnt how to travel the globe via banana crates, and laying eggs into imported fruit and vegetables.
5. Spiders are harmless.
They can bite, sting, eject irritant hairs into the eyes of "predators", some can kill. A creature which is harmless, wouldn't provoke centuries of myth and folklore surrounding its evilness. Spiders are associated with the occult, with evil (see LOTR Trilogy), fear and repulsion (see Greek myth- Arachne). I'm pretty sure they're capable of mass structures to ensnare humans- you've only got to take a look in my Dads shed for evidence of this.
I'm happy to dispel further myths if readers think of any. Take note.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Invader.
So there I was... casually walking into my room, seeing my bright red, every-day handbag on the bedroom floor, reaching in side to get out my purse. I opened up my purse and held it in front of me to look for my card, still bending down to place it back in my bag afterwards, when something caught my eye... something out of the ordinary was sitting in my bag. And then my brain kicked in... my eyes focused in on a spider, sitting in my bag.
Obviously, I threw my freakin purse and fell backwards.
A few moments of shock passed, and I returned to look in my bag for confirmation... the bastard had moved.
Fuck.
I picked up the handles, and threw it out my bedroom, where it landed on it's side, but with most of the contents still in the bag. I was hoping to see the little, evil cretin run out but it didn't. Panic now ensued, because not only had I no idea where this nasty little creature was in my bag, but I'd thrown it in the path of the only exit to my bedroom. So I was trapped, with a spider holding my handbag hostage.
The horror of the situation dawned on me when I realised my hand had been in that bag. MY HAND. The very thought of my skin coming into contact with a spider completely unexpectedly, quite honestly, horrifies me.
I had no other choice but to call my Dad, who rather stupidly advised me to "Just tip it out". Er, What now? And have it freakin' crawl towards my bare feet?? This wasn't an option. He had to come and get it out. Which he did, by tipping out my bag, and watching the little bastard escape into a dodgy floorboard in the bathroom. Can I get over the fact that it was IN my handbag? No. Can I stop thinking about the prospect of it laying EGGS in my bag. No. No I can't. Do I think about it everytime I reach into my bag? Yes. Yes I freakin do. Oh god.
The same spider, and yes I KNOW it was the same one (same size, same shape, same horrifically AWFUL legs)... this SAME spider proceeded to try and get back into my room the following day; I found it on the ceiling making it's way towards my door. It's final attempt however, appears to have become its last. I walked into the bathroom this evening to find it sitting in the middle of the floor. I immediately stopped and adopted my usual Spider-terror stance, and then noticed it looked a bit weird. A slightly closer inspection revealed it's body appeared squashed... and I highly suspect my cat might have given the evil beast a friendly, playful pat on the head and accidently killed it. Good cat.
The reign of terror was over. Though winning the battle is not winning the war. Downstairs, I entered the living room to find one of those horrendous Orb spiders in the middle of the carpet- you know the ones with the tiny bodies and ridiculously, long, very fine legs which bend over. I flattened it with the Radio Times. Those ones seem weaker than the others; finer, slower.
It's corpse is still on the floor. I'm leaving it there as a message to the others that death WILL ensue if they persist with their assault on my house.
Spiders: Do one.
Obviously, I threw my freakin purse and fell backwards.
A few moments of shock passed, and I returned to look in my bag for confirmation... the bastard had moved.
Fuck.
I picked up the handles, and threw it out my bedroom, where it landed on it's side, but with most of the contents still in the bag. I was hoping to see the little, evil cretin run out but it didn't. Panic now ensued, because not only had I no idea where this nasty little creature was in my bag, but I'd thrown it in the path of the only exit to my bedroom. So I was trapped, with a spider holding my handbag hostage.
The horror of the situation dawned on me when I realised my hand had been in that bag. MY HAND. The very thought of my skin coming into contact with a spider completely unexpectedly, quite honestly, horrifies me.
I had no other choice but to call my Dad, who rather stupidly advised me to "Just tip it out". Er, What now? And have it freakin' crawl towards my bare feet?? This wasn't an option. He had to come and get it out. Which he did, by tipping out my bag, and watching the little bastard escape into a dodgy floorboard in the bathroom. Can I get over the fact that it was IN my handbag? No. Can I stop thinking about the prospect of it laying EGGS in my bag. No. No I can't. Do I think about it everytime I reach into my bag? Yes. Yes I freakin do. Oh god.
The same spider, and yes I KNOW it was the same one (same size, same shape, same horrifically AWFUL legs)... this SAME spider proceeded to try and get back into my room the following day; I found it on the ceiling making it's way towards my door. It's final attempt however, appears to have become its last. I walked into the bathroom this evening to find it sitting in the middle of the floor. I immediately stopped and adopted my usual Spider-terror stance, and then noticed it looked a bit weird. A slightly closer inspection revealed it's body appeared squashed... and I highly suspect my cat might have given the evil beast a friendly, playful pat on the head and accidently killed it. Good cat.
The reign of terror was over. Though winning the battle is not winning the war. Downstairs, I entered the living room to find one of those horrendous Orb spiders in the middle of the carpet- you know the ones with the tiny bodies and ridiculously, long, very fine legs which bend over. I flattened it with the Radio Times. Those ones seem weaker than the others; finer, slower.
It's corpse is still on the floor. I'm leaving it there as a message to the others that death WILL ensue if they persist with their assault on my house.
Spiders: Do one.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Spider Decoys
Regular readers and good friends will be aware of my Spider theories. I am using the above article as further evidence to back up my theories.
It's now only a matter of time before they start building weapons of mass destruction.
Thursday, October 04, 2012
Eight Legged Freaks.
After a couple of weeks fighting the good fight and having to rid the house of these vile, evil beasts; imagine my utter horror happening upon the following article:
This article goes on to explain how ten zoos around the country have been breeding this uber spider and are about to set about releasing them into the wild. This actually means, they've been breeding billions and billions of a massive super spider which they're now about to release into peoples homes. We all know that these things are clever; evil-clever. They've managed to get themselves bred with the advantages and safety of scientific-human help and now they're being released into people's houses- because we all know they rarely live outside where they could catch a hell of a lot MORE of the food they ALLEDGEDLY eat: flies; A long held argument for their existence which is, of course, crap. They would have no need to live inside houses if they ate flies. There's a FAR greater chance of catching flies OUTSIDE- where all the flies are. Needless to say, the great big bastards that stalk people's homes don't have 'catchy' webs for flies, they just leave trigger trails to pounce on and eat, what I can only assume, are other spiders or people.
I have found a number of spiders in my close proximity in the last few weeks. My knowledge of these things has grown over many years of observation and brain storming (see Spider Theory) and as such I knew the first few I saw last week were just the small ones; The scouts. The ones that stake out the territory before the big ones come in. I was right.
There it was in the bath.
There it was in the bath.
I tried to drown it. But it formed an umbrella with it's legs, an air pocket, so it couldn't drown. This intelligence fills me with dread. They know stuff. They think. You can see them thinking. I therefore had to resort tothe rather uncomfortable, but necessary, scorchingto death of turning on the hot tap. I don't care what anyone says- they're evil. It does NOT need to be in the house. If they wish to come up with an agreement by which they stay the fuck away from me, I will happily share the earth with them. But if they INSIST on invading my house, trying to crawl on me, or touch me in any way shape or form, or threaten to, they will die. Until of course they overpower us.
Not entirely sure how I'm going to sleep tonight knowing that some IDIOTS have been releasing these 8cm leg span spiders with the ability to glide over water... but still, I have a whole day off work tomorrow to enjoy so sleep I must.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Spider Theories
Highlight of the week: Getting a new kettle at work. woob!
Lowlight of the week: Nearly losing Gizmo as she explored the mysterious world that lies behind the un-used sofa.
Spider Theories.
We've had a sudden influx of the beasts lately. Some say it could be because we just had a new toilet fitted and many were disturbed in the process and are now scouring our flat in search of a new home. Some may say it's the weather or the time of year for them to come inside.
Slinks says: They're up to something.
It started off with a littlun. This one has lived in a corner of the bathroom under the sink for some time. A strange place, I've always thought, for something whose web is meant to be for catching flies. I mean I can't imagine how many flies it actually catches down in a dark corner of a sink... but I'll play along with this little idea to keep the spider-loving, fool-hardy members of soceity amongst us who think they're helpful and just go about their business catching annoying insects. Anyway, I digress. It's chosen location is a handy place if only because by the time you've managed to reach it's web, it's already run away... or vanished as they seem to be able to do. This one though, I've got used to and since it wasn't the sort to move about much... I put up with it. I know this one. I know it's size and shape. I have a good eye for detail. It's front two legs are longer than the others and it's a sort of semi-small size that I can just about cope with. Well before long... others started appearing. The same shape and size. We tried to kill them... but they kept coming back. Clones. All of them clones of the first bathroom one... OR, the very same spider which never died. My theories were laughed off at first... but then someone of great authority (well.... my boss anyway) told me that spiders have learnt to survive being washed down the plug by clinging on to the sides of the pipe, turning themselves upside down, thus creating an air pocket from which they can breathe and remain alive to crawl back up the plug. Shit. They already know stuff... they already think and build crafty webs and know how to fly and now they're fighting back our well known and loved defences.
Well, things only got worse. I dreamt one night, about spiders... loads of them in a tank. They were white and kept escaping. The very next evening I walked into the bathroom and was confronted by the Mother of all spiders; staring at me it was, from the wall just above the sink. It's legs were the size of straws. Well maybe toothpicks... but still they were thick and black against the pale plaster and white tiles. I backed away, obviously and got Niall to remove the beast. He heard it crunch as he screwed up the tissue paper. And then it all made sense. Almost too big to be just one spider... this spider was bigger, thicker all over... I'm pretty sure now that it was a combination of all the other little clones... some sort of frankenstein spider.
It took a few days for it to all sink in. And it took a few days for me to also re-aquaint myself with the bathroom and all of it's hidden evil. My latest anxiety is that they're hiding in the loo roll tube... waiting. It's almost enough to make me start using the loo roll holder again.
So, now I'm just waiting for the next one. Possibly bigger, I don't even know how many clones there may have been. I suspect our bathroom pipe problems and leaks were all because of them somehow... maybe causing a blockage training the clones in their plughole defence exercises. Who knows what they'll learn next.
Lowlight of the week: Nearly losing Gizmo as she explored the mysterious world that lies behind the un-used sofa.
Spider Theories.
We've had a sudden influx of the beasts lately. Some say it could be because we just had a new toilet fitted and many were disturbed in the process and are now scouring our flat in search of a new home. Some may say it's the weather or the time of year for them to come inside.
Slinks says: They're up to something.
It started off with a littlun. This one has lived in a corner of the bathroom under the sink for some time. A strange place, I've always thought, for something whose web is meant to be for catching flies. I mean I can't imagine how many flies it actually catches down in a dark corner of a sink... but I'll play along with this little idea to keep the spider-loving, fool-hardy members of soceity amongst us who think they're helpful and just go about their business catching annoying insects. Anyway, I digress. It's chosen location is a handy place if only because by the time you've managed to reach it's web, it's already run away... or vanished as they seem to be able to do. This one though, I've got used to and since it wasn't the sort to move about much... I put up with it. I know this one. I know it's size and shape. I have a good eye for detail. It's front two legs are longer than the others and it's a sort of semi-small size that I can just about cope with. Well before long... others started appearing. The same shape and size. We tried to kill them... but they kept coming back. Clones. All of them clones of the first bathroom one... OR, the very same spider which never died. My theories were laughed off at first... but then someone of great authority (well.... my boss anyway) told me that spiders have learnt to survive being washed down the plug by clinging on to the sides of the pipe, turning themselves upside down, thus creating an air pocket from which they can breathe and remain alive to crawl back up the plug. Shit. They already know stuff... they already think and build crafty webs and know how to fly and now they're fighting back our well known and loved defences.
Well, things only got worse. I dreamt one night, about spiders... loads of them in a tank. They were white and kept escaping. The very next evening I walked into the bathroom and was confronted by the Mother of all spiders; staring at me it was, from the wall just above the sink. It's legs were the size of straws. Well maybe toothpicks... but still they were thick and black against the pale plaster and white tiles. I backed away, obviously and got Niall to remove the beast. He heard it crunch as he screwed up the tissue paper. And then it all made sense. Almost too big to be just one spider... this spider was bigger, thicker all over... I'm pretty sure now that it was a combination of all the other little clones... some sort of frankenstein spider.
It took a few days for it to all sink in. And it took a few days for me to also re-aquaint myself with the bathroom and all of it's hidden evil. My latest anxiety is that they're hiding in the loo roll tube... waiting. It's almost enough to make me start using the loo roll holder again.
So, now I'm just waiting for the next one. Possibly bigger, I don't even know how many clones there may have been. I suspect our bathroom pipe problems and leaks were all because of them somehow... maybe causing a blockage training the clones in their plughole defence exercises. Who knows what they'll learn next.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Daddy Long Legs.
Daddy Long Legs aka. Skinny Witch aka. Crane Fly aka. Hideous-evil-Spidery-beasts.
There was an item on the local news tonight about the daddy long legs invasion. Apparantly the damp august we've had is responsible for the mass numbers of the buggers. I felt it necessary to completely dispell the propaganda that the so-called scientist on the article was infecting into our minds:
quoted Scientist man: "They are not spiders"
the slink: whatever... they have MASSIVE legs. Just because they have wings and a slightly elongated body doesn't mean they're not spiders. Don't give me any scientific mumbo-jumbo. They LOOK like spiders, they're frightening and try their best to fly into peoples faces therefore... they are spiders. Just flying ones. Don't believe a word of it people... it's just the spiders mutant air-force.
quoted Scientist man: " They are harmless"
the slink: Uh-huh. Sure. Just like spiders eh??? Eh??? I don't think so. They CHEW plant stems... human flesh is just as chewable. And if they're so harmless and eat plants... why do they feel compelled to enter houses where there are less plants? Moreover, why are they compelled to fly in a rather erratic fashion towards peoples faces? Answer THAT scientist man...
Apparently they only live for a few days. Thank f*** for that.
There was an item on the local news tonight about the daddy long legs invasion. Apparantly the damp august we've had is responsible for the mass numbers of the buggers. I felt it necessary to completely dispell the propaganda that the so-called scientist on the article was infecting into our minds:
quoted Scientist man: "They are not spiders"
the slink: whatever... they have MASSIVE legs. Just because they have wings and a slightly elongated body doesn't mean they're not spiders. Don't give me any scientific mumbo-jumbo. They LOOK like spiders, they're frightening and try their best to fly into peoples faces therefore... they are spiders. Just flying ones. Don't believe a word of it people... it's just the spiders mutant air-force.
quoted Scientist man: " They are harmless"
the slink: Uh-huh. Sure. Just like spiders eh??? Eh??? I don't think so. They CHEW plant stems... human flesh is just as chewable. And if they're so harmless and eat plants... why do they feel compelled to enter houses where there are less plants? Moreover, why are they compelled to fly in a rather erratic fashion towards peoples faces? Answer THAT scientist man...
Apparently they only live for a few days. Thank f*** for that.
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