Tying Knots.

After a lovely holiday in Devon with the family with sea breezes, sunshine and lots of puppy time with my furry nephew Milo, our smiles were turned upside down by the news that my Grandma has been diagnosed with stomach cancer.

I went to see her in hospital on Sunday and she was still smiling and laughing but it was just heart-breaking to hear her say she had "too much to see before she goes".  I've been thinking.  It's made me so aware of everything she is going to miss.  She said she wanted to see people get married- yet I fear she may miss my little sister getting married in the next year or two.  It breaks my heart.

I've cried.  I know how lucky I am to have four Grandparents still at the age of 32 but I am not used to having to deal with death as a result of that.  I have been dreading this... and now it is before me... somewhere in the near future I will be losing my Grandma.  I also hate seeing my Mum so upset.  She has fought cancer, along with her sister.  It robbed her of her time, energy and femininity five years ago and now yet again, she is faced with it taking away her mother.  And as if that isn't cruel enough, if my Grandma lives past Christmas, she could pass away the same year that my Mother get's the all clear.  Fucking cruel.

I've been angry.  I deal with such evil and awful people day in and day out in my job, and yet this sweet, kind, quiet old lady gets this awful disease.  It infuriates me.  It's just not fair. 

I know I have to be strong and face this, but it is hard.

I'm trying to support a friend in need at the moment and also trying to keep in contact with M while he is offshore for his next tour of duty.  I miss him far more than I thought... but have managed to talk to him daily which helps.  He has also sent me an amazing wood print of Birth Machine by HR Giger as a lasting memory of our first holiday together.  It's the most amazing thing and it's made me more sure that I have to make this person happy and keep them close. 

I know I can look at this situation two ways.  My first thought was that just when I thought everything was falling into place and I find someone I love, this awful thing has happened and I am faced with losing someone I love.  I am trying to think of this on it's head and say that I have found someone at a time when I will need them most. 

Chin up. Keep smiling.

Clepto-ghost.

The following post will be so full of expletives I have actually decided to edit them out.  Apologies.

And no this is not about that irritating person mentioned in the post below.  It is more about the post before that about Money.

So.  I haven't had my glasses for the last week. I've been thinking they were sat on my desk at work and that when I can be bothered I'll go pick them up.  My glasses however are not at work, as I confirmed today.  My glasses would appear to have vanished off the face of the ******* earth. 

My glasses; the ones I spent over SIX WEEKS searching for; the ones I have had for SIX years over TWO prescriptions.  Why two prescriptions?! Because THEY (glasses designers) do not make glasses for people with small faces.  This is THE ONLY pair of glasses I have ever found which suits my small face and as such I've kept them for the last two prescriptions and got them re-lensed each time.  I don't love these glasses, they are a necessity, but now I have somehow lost them, I miss them as I know I will NOT find another pair that suit me as well.

And I've gone and ******* lost them.  I have the ****** glasses CASE but not my glasses leaving me absolutely ******* bewildered as to where the HELL they are. 

What makes this worse is that I have recently blogged about having NO money. What little savings I do have are the only tiny little security blanket I have when my flatmate H decides to move out and live with her bloke.  I have been contemplating using some of my savings to see my brother and niece in Japan next year.. but now I have to use them to buy some ******* new glasses that I wouldn't have needed if I hadn't lost them. Adding to the immense ANNOYANCE of this is the fact that I have a driving course in two weeks, which I will fail if I don't have my glasses!! ;-(

I cannot explain how much I HATE losing things.  I've actually had a mini breakdown this evening as it dawned on me that  I am now going to spend at least £300 on new glasses.  What's worse is I can't find my ******* prescription.  So make that £320 for another ******* eye test too.

MORE frustrating is that I am CONVINCED things are going missing from my room.  A few weeks ago a mirror which I use daily when straightening my hair, has gone missing.  It ALWAYS sits in the same place and rarely gets moved. One day I was using it, the next... it just wasn't there.  I have looked EVERYWHERE for it in my room and it just ******vanished.  And now my glasses have done the same. Unless I have some sort of early onset dementia I am putting this down to a ghost.  If it was dementia, surely I would find these things somewhere... they'd be in the freezer or a cupboard or something? But no... they are literally NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.  I have turned my room upside down looking for these things and they are NOT in there.  I've searched the kitchen, bathroom, lounge, under the sofa seat cushions.  I've searched all bags, pockets, coats, jeans... they are ****** gone.  This thieving ghost just needs to quit and give me all my stuff back before I lose my mind completely.

It's just. Freakin. Ridiculous.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.  This has just really come at the worst possible time.  And maybe I'm making a mountain out of something that really really doesn't sound like a drama.  But hey, **** you, YOU pay for them then.

*grumpiness continues*

Be Afraid.

These guys will soon be running your Probation services, making communities even less safe...

Prisons Rated :  "Serious Concern" over two private prisons.

Well done Mr Grayling, you Tory shitbag, great move.

Sound of not-so-silence.

At the risk of revealing that I've achieved NONE of my tasks today- I'm going to share one of my many quirks with you.

For years, more so the last ten years, I've had this issue with certain sounds.  It all started with my Grandad.  My Grandad, probably no different to most older folk, is a loud eater.  I've been seeing my Grandparents and family in the city of Nottingham since I was a kid, and our traditional day would be spent visiting the rellies for Sunday dinner and then the other set of Granparents for tea.  (Yes that's DINNER and TEA. As it should be).  My Grandma would prepare us a small buffet tea of sandwiches, salad and rolls for tea and for reasons unknown, my Grandad would always wait until the rest of us had finished eating before selecting his food and starting his own.  I began to dread this moment.  Then it would start- the slow, inevitable chomp chomp munch squelch of chewing. On and on it went... having to endure every morsal of food sometimes with the addition of a slop and a churn... until it was all gone.  Each sound enraged me.  I would get so uncomfortable I would have to move or eat something myself just to drown out the sound.  Even weirder, no one else seemed to notice.  Although fleeting, the rage was there, I'd physically grit my teeth or clench my jaw with annoyance. 

This has got predominantly worse over the years to the stage where if I can hear pretty much anyone chewing or chomping I feel uncomfortable.  I don't usually act on it, other than the odd comment now and then. 

Regular readers will already know that I hate snoring but my dislike of hearing these kind of sounds doesn't stop there - I dislike hearing people breathing- the whistle nose or worse still- a combination of whistle nose, chomping and heavy nose breathing at the same time.  Hell.  Pure, utter hell.  Oh god.

Well, I'd never really linked all these together, putting it down to my hyper sensitive body- but it turns out this whole thing is a recognised condition!!!!

*This New York Times article* describes my "condition" precisely and calls it Misophonia! Who knew that this was a recognised disorder of the brain!? Woohoo! Another one to add to my collection.  Hehe, I jest, Obviously. 

Fuck You- from a Blonde.

Forgive me a rant.  It won't take long.

The next man OR woman who assumes I am...

a). stupid
b). horny
c). slutty

... because of my fucking hair colour may well get stabbed in the face.

My hair is blonde.  Get the fuck over it.  Judging by the complete fuck-wits I've had the displeasure of meeting who have made any of the above assumptions, should I perhaps be reforming my opinions of brunette haired people as:
a). fucking thick as pig shit
b). lame
c). sexist
and d). have clearly been raised watching far too much pornography.????

Er... yeah maybe not. 

Yet again I guess the media doesn't help with this particular issue- fuelling it with ridiculous polls suggesting that most men and women prefer brunettes... hmm could that be because of a general, wide sweeping idea that blonde women are associated with pornography and sex by.... hmm, the media?!?!?.  No shit sherlocks.  I would wager I am 3000% more intelligent than any twat who is lame enough to even answer such a fucking stupid, pointless poll.

Get real you absolute fucking morons. 

That is all. 

:-)

Nice guys really do finish last.

" Beware of Bull Sharks; They float in shallow waters.  Beware of Bullshit; it floats in shallow people".

 

One of the things about my place of work is that I can't get used to the culture or the people politics.  The work force I have found myself in is one full of egotists, compulsive liars, superficial, nasty, shallow, two faced ass holes.  The sad thing is, I'm starting to realise that this is exactly how you have to be to get ahead, to get by and possibly to be happy. 

 

I always thought of myself as a good judge of character, trusting my gut instinct with people; however as I've got older I don't always get a gut reaction to base anything on.  This is throwing me off track and now I'm slowly finding myself in a situation where I don't want to really trust anyone.  That's not a healthy place to be.  I'm unsure if this is unique to my line of work- I highly suspect it isn't, but the scary truth lurking in the background is - This might be what it's like to be an adult. 

 

It's a minefield. 

 

I have trusted too many people this year.  I have been too open, too willing to expect good in people.  I have been repaid with hurt, heartache, betrayal, lies and an overwhelming sense of being unable to tell the difference between friend and foe.  It makes me hesitant to trust people, even those my gut says I should.  I don't want to be this way.  Not at all.  However, as a headstrong, opinionated individual I find it frustrating that I frequently get made out to be an intolerant bitch for being passionate and voicing a strong opinion when actually, there are people out there who on a daily basis are far more worthy of derogatory name calling than I.  I am honest.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But I am true both to myself and others.  It would appear this is not the way to be and that screwing on your friends, using people, lying and having as many faces as a rubix cube, is widely accepted behaviour.

 

I have never seen myself as a doormat but this year I've felt like one a number of times.  Do I really have to be colder, nastier, less open, less trusting in the future to avoid getting hurt and feel happier?

 

Letters.

 

You two.  You two are made for each other.  Both spineless, shameless liars, hypocrites and game players.  Both shallow, and blindingly superficial.  I shan't sink to your level and falsely wish you happiness.  I genuinely don't.  I hope your egotism and vanity consumes any trace of the young, happy desire you currently feel leading you to a power struggle just as ugly and destructive as you are.  Keep playing your pathetic games and may you both get lost in your stagnant, fake worlds of smoke and mirrors.

 

 

 

You. You let me believe in you when you knew I shouldn't.  You are pathetic, ugly to the core, bitter, hateful, and a master of manipulation; A compulsive liar, a hypocrite, shallow and ultimately spineless; full of nothing but utter bullshit. You will always remain the nastiest person I have ever met.    

 

 

 

And you.  You have lacked strength.  You have many qualities but you show weakness when it ought to have mattered most.  Where were your poignant words when my integrity was brought into question?  Your loyalty wanes like your lust and love does.  I doubt the strength and validity of your feelings and therefore I doubt your self awareness and understanding of emotion.  Your fear of emotion is sad.  Your willingness to lose me- honest and blatant.  Your lack of actions speaks volumes.  THIS I trust more than your words now. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the rage continues...

I've lived through a conservative government before but I was a child and therefore politics had very little obvious impact on my life, or any that I would be able to understand or acknowledge.  However, now, as a voting adult- this is the first time I've had to endure such elitist, damaging, incompetent bile as is the Tory agenda. 

This government and their politics prove on a daily basis that they are the very antithesis of everything I believe and stand for.  Just when I think they can't possibly rile me anymore, this happens:

Jeremy Hunt backs 12-week legal limit on abortions

 

 

Now, firstly, this man is our health secretary.  This is a man who believes in homeopathy and tried to ban Danny Boyle from his NHS tribute at the Olympic opening ceremony, presumably because he didn't want the Plebs and peasants realising how valuable it was before he starts privatising it all. 

 

This utter knob is now wading into a debate into abortion.  Hmm, yes, lets have a Conservative MALE make decisions about womens rights and womens bodies, based on very very little scientific argument at all to boot. 

 

The womens secretary is laughable too- or it would be, if the absolute horror of the situation wasn't apparant:  Maria Miller- A "Modern Feminist".  Er, no. Simply put- Fucking hell no.

 

This government is going to fail just about every single faction of soceity not born into huge inheritances or isn't a multi-billion-tax-avoiding corporation.  It's time to stop whining about who started this and stop falling back on labour bashing because you can't accept YOUR governments failures.  These hateful, frankly useless, elitist idiots who have no respect for the hard working members of soceity who put them all to shame, NEED. TO. GO.  

 

Failing on EVERY single level of their shoddy plans at making cuts and rebuilding the country.

Failing to reduce public sector spending.

Destroying our public services.

Degrading, privatising, publicly disrespecting and dissolving the Police service.

Making vast quantities of people redundant, unemployment sky high. 

Removal of key benefits and a failure to get a grasp on a decent benefits system for people who actually deserve it.

Not addressing tax avoidance by huge companies and corporations including banks.

Reducing services, with little payback for those of us paying for it.

No growth.

No help for small business and start ups.

Women paying the largest prices in terms of unemployment and benefits cuts.

Failed, corrupt rail bids on important services- costing the tax payer 40bn.

 

.... the failures are absolutely endless.

 

It's not good for my health, my blood pressure or my stress levels.  I've been angry pretty much throughout their victorian-esque rule and I'm sick of it.  They're plan hasn't even worked - all fears and concerns are realised DAILY.  Unless of course, their plan is to segregate soceity and widen the gap between rich and poor- that they have fulfilled wonderfully.  Worse yet, the full extent of damage from their incompetence won't be seen for another 3-5 years and it frankly scares me.

 

And now they're launching an attack on something else that's very important to me- Womens rights.  Deep breaths... count to ten... it'll all be over soon.

 

 



 

 

Pope? Nope.

Dear Mr "former"-Nazi Pope,

And I say "former" with trepidation.

You may receive a welcome from a proportion of our mostly welcoming country but I hope you know just how many people feel you don't deserve to step foot in our country.

You have let down Catholics the world over. You have let down innocent children in an unforgivable way and you still refuse to acknowledge the damage you caused. You protected yourselves, harboured and protected those committing the worst crimes on this Earth. You allowed this to happen and then protected those who did it, ignoring the victims. Ignoring everything you supposedly stand for.

I have always hated the outdated and bigoted views your faith seems to have but I am outraged at what you now stand for- lies, evil, abuse, corruption, bigoted views, hatred and judgement. I judge you on all these things. You are sick. You think you are above the law... you're not. You're just a man. Barely.

I wish you'd fuck off quite frankly. The world will keep spinning without the shit you pour out of your gold encrusted churches. Your faith is based on fear, self loathing and hatred of others. You are old and undeserving. I command a respect you haven't earned and will never be worthy of asking of ever again in my eyes.

You're not welcome here. I hope you know that. You're pissing people off, harming people and this damage is unrepairable. Part of me wants you and your cronies to keep coming out with your ludicrous accusations and stories; the more you do, the more we can point and say how shit you are, show you for what you are- nothing, with nothing good to say, nothing positive to share, just a great big empty space where your fucking brains may have once been. The other part however wants you to shut the hell up.

I have no respect for you or anything you have to say. Fuck you.


I joined the Protest the Pope campaign today. I hope I can take part in the demonstration in September.

If there wasn't people like Richard Dawkins and organisation's like the Secular or Humanist society I would actually exploded the other day. Mr Dawkins trying to get the Pope arrested just about restored my faith in intelligence.

I am SICK of the Catholic church. Not Catholic people, believe what you want to believe, I just choose to believe in humans, compassion, and science... just the Catholic Church, how it is organised, how it's corrupt to the core and the sick, demented things they like to brainwash into people. True enough, if people weren't dumb enough to believe it, or on the other hand if more Catholics actually shouted out against the bigoted, evil people speaking on their behalf then there would be some hope. I am SICK of it'd twisted, skewed views on just about everything and low and behold, the paedophile-protector is coming to England to ponce about our largely tolerant country and throw judgments around and offend people.... and I have to PAY for this privilege with my hard earned money?! I don't think so. If the pope really has to come here at all, and quite frankly, as a country with discrimination laws to protect people from this frankly out dated and completely fucked up faith, then I sure as heck am not paying for it.

Hypocrisy will make me explode one day. I am sure of it.