Re-Awaken.

I'm re-discovering music and loving it.

For a couple of years actually if I'm honest, I've been completely uninspired by musical offerings. I think this is partly due to the fact I gave up looking... but I think one lead to the other. Now though, I've started to re-discover my love for it. I've been buying more of it... and I've also invested in a bloody decent system to actually combine my computer collection with a really good speaker which I can listen to throughout the whole house. I love my Sonos. It sounds beefy, rounded, pure and honest to the music. It makes me want to listen to every song I own again... all the ones I've been listening to on (decent but unworthy) little computer speakers for the last six years... and hear it all as if new.

Along with that, as if by magic, I'm finding new bands I like. There seems to be new green shoots of new sounds coming through the drought-ridden undergrowth of music. I've recently discovered an amazing band called Maybeshewill who have blown me away. I've bought their last two albums and loved their awesome soundscapes so much I've pre-ordered their new album released at the end of the month AND I'm going to see them play at the O2 Academy next week. I haven't been to a gig (other than small local/friends bands) in SO SO long and I can't wait to experience that again. It's going to be a warm up to Download which is creeping ever closer.

My blood is buzzing with new music right now and I feel really pumped up by it. It gives me energy, fills me with memories and awe.

It's like I'm breathing in creativity again... and that makes me feel good.

'AV it!

I voted Yes today. Because I feel it's the right thing to do. And if the Tory's are opposed to something... then it's bound to be fair and always worth a second look in my book.

Something wierd happened while I voted... someone saw my cross. I realised as I was trying to get the paper in the millimeter wide slit in the voting box, that I hadn't folded my paper fully and and when I turned my paper over- there was my cross! Horror of horror. It felt illegal.

Still jobs a goodun.

RED.

I get this sometimes. When I fume... I really fume. And I fume quick.

The quickest, easiest way to do this to me? Hypocrisy.

I hate it. Unfortunately I seem to find myself surrounded by it on a daily basis, and yes, this is all part of this rather messed up adult world we live in. This, I guess, I have come to tolerate somewhat. The kind I'm talking about here, the kind that will just make my blood boil, is where this hypocrisy somehow gets tangled up with me having to defend myself. People who know me well, know that I can be somewhat outspoken. Sometimes I feel like I should be the sort of person people want me to be- the one who sits there quietly and keeps her mouth shut. I can demonstrate both tact and diplomacy, but if you ask me for my opinion- you'll get it, and if you ask for my frank opinion you'll get that too. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should blog more- vent my frustrations here rather than the spoken word- because somehow this gets me in to trouble.

Still, I digress, because ultimately... I get told I am bossy, it becomes implied that I am a bitch, that I never forget things and bare grudges. The latter, for a start, is true- I do remember, I hurt easily- and it's one of the things that gets thrown at women in general alot too; that we remember past hurts. Don't we all?! I live with someone who took about 4 years to come to terms with the fact that I had a prior relationship with someone else before him. This, has been bandied about to his friends and family as some sort of "damaged goods" scenario at complete humiliation to myself at times. This took him FOUR years to get over. FOUR. Fucking wierd considering it has NOTHING to do with him who I chose to see/do before we were even together. Said person, loves to bash me infront of his family and mine. I'm made out to be difficult, stroppy, loud mouthed and intolerant - mainly because I'm not a doormat and I stick up for myself. I'm not going to deny that yes I can be moody... neither am I going to blame this on hormones or any other such patronising biological reasoning.. sometimes I'm just angry and that's the way it is. But still... all these human things are heaped on me, labelling me and summing me up to be something quite horrible. Maybe I am. I don't even know... but I don't care for being summed up as all the negative sides to me.. of which people love to point out... there appear to be many.

I've become accustomed to being talked about in this way... but it still hurts. And, actually, it makes me angry. It makes me defensive. Because I see these very traits in almost every other person I meet, yet I don't point it out or feel the need to summarise their whole being as those things. This is nearing my hypocrisy issue... but not quite.

I said something today. Something that could cause minor embarrassment to someone who has admitted they should have known better. Said person, lets call them P, is mostly regarded in high esteem by the rest of our company. P can safely hide behind a stoic, well rounded, secure image because he is a) Male and b) because his dirty laundry is, in present company, kept securely by myself. He therefore took GREAT umbridge with me disclosing something about his behaviour a mere 2 nights before (in which he drank too much (again) and needed nursing the following day)... in reference to the fact that I was explaining how I can, being a woman, look after myself quite fine without needing a man to keep me or pay for me. Yes, perhaps it was a slight dig into his reputation, yes perhaps it was a cheap shot- but utlimately, I thought, in good jest and harmless. P brought it up later and made out that I'd done so presumably because I'm such a bitch that I just take great pleasure in making him look bad and of course, my number one hobby is emasculating men. THIS is where I saw red. THIS coming from the person who disclosed intimate details of my history of another guy and my mental health (and medical proceedures!?!) with his friends, family, (causing countless issues with complete bigoted loons within the latter)... THIS coming from the person who frequently makes out I'm a crazed, emotional wreck unable to cope with stress, motherhood or anything remotely challenging, THIS from the person who frequently berates me to friends and family for being a bitchy, nasty piece of work who never forgives, who nags, controls and constantly snipes.

Maybe I am all those things... Maybe I am all that?! But don't EVER ever tell me that I embarrassed you unnecessarily from a throw away comment when you've PURPOSELY set out to disclose completely personal things to others and FORCED me to face them afterwards.

I am so furious.

This probably makes no sense because I'm typing at a hundred miles an hour. But I am fuming. I am angry.

I guess I really don't forget things. Does anyone?!

It's About Time.

This is the first weekend that I've actually been able to kick back. Technically, there is still a GAZILLION things I could be doing house wise, but it's nice to get to a stage where I can actually relax in my own home and enjoy the space even though it's not finished.

I'm loving the fact that I have an outside space... and I'm getting excited about buying a tree for the garden when I can find one which is happy to live out of a pot. Also, I'm experimenting with a few fruit and vegetable plants in the garden- just a few to start with and we'll see what happens. So far I have planted- strawberries, potatoes, pea, peppers and tomatoes. I guess this is what happens when you turn 28 and have a house. :-)

I've had an awesome but busy few weeks and to be honest the bank holidays have done me a LOT of good. I feel replenished. It's amazing what a few days off work can do. Equally amazing how bad for your health work is!

The result of a pretty awesome April is having absolutely NO money left. I have a mere £100 to last until payday. That could be interesting. May's going to be equally busy but far less fun... though I do have two little rays of sunshine amongst the mass of training courses that work is sending me on: Derren Brown's Svengali on May 9th and Maybeshewill on May 17th. I haven't been to a gig in absolutely-ruddy-ages so I'm going to use this as a Download warm up. Speaking of which- I have about 6 weeks to get everything together and prepped for my first festival in 9 years. I still have no tent.

There is just SO much to do... it's a good job I'm such a good list writer.

Whacked.

I am so. freakin. tired. I've spent two evenings trying to clean the house and it looks no different than before... if not worse. I have a party to go to tomorrow night. I have internal doors to paint, plus three coats on our back door. I need a haircut desperately but cant afford one. I have parcels being delivered to various places all over town. I have a wall to decorate; A party to buy for, prepare for, tidy for and plan; An unfinished Sonos set up; Over £600 owed; A broken Shower to fix or get replaced; A centrepiece to design and make in two weeks; A house to fully clean and tidy; Two rooms to straighten out; a costume to finish; three birthday presents to buy; a washing machine which is NOT making the right sort of noises; a day of cleaning at work tomorrow to look forward to plus a party to go to in the evening. I have spent the last two weeks single handedly running the show at work... and steadily getting more and more of a desire to leave. I'm also training another member of staff- a mere 6 weeks under my belt and still learning myself- and now I'm supposed to be adequately train another member of staff?! My head is constantly buzzing. While it's nice to be out of my seat and away from my computer I feel like I've walked miles and miles and miles this week. I probably have. I take the stairs about 5-6 times a day, of which there are 6 flights. I also had to go into town at lunch and I'm walking to and from the train station daily. The weather is mild, it's beautiful some days- but I feel too bogged down to actually feel good about it. If I could just stop time and have a really really good night's sleep... I reckon I might just be able to handle this without having a heart attack or an emotional meltdown.

New Job.

This is my third week in my new job. One day I feel I like it there, and the next I don't.

Today I was the ONLY person in my office. I have been doing my job for two weeks. I am untrained in ALL the systems I need to actually DO said job, so I can't access any of them. I am unable to answer queries fully and I'm literally wiling away the days taking notes. WHY my managers felt it was at all acceptable to have just me holding the fort when I can do diddly squat is beyond me. I'm out of my depth and whilst I know that there's always a period of adjustment- this isn't a job I even chose so I'm struggling to "hang in there". I haven't dreaded getting up for work for a couple of years and it's not a feeling I want to get back either... but things aren't going to get better. More staff are leaving in the next few weeks due to cuts, and I have a feeling my training will be overlooked whilst other matters take precedence.

urgh. Still, I can't grumble too much because it's a job, on the same pay and I know these are hard to come by right now. Now if the Tory's would just vanish off the face of the Earth... I might feel a tad more optimistic about getting a job I know I'd like...

*sigh*

Chocolate Face.

If chocolate didn't exist I would have imploded in the last few weeks. No question.

I currently hold the biggest stash of chocolate I think I've had since post christmas in 1988. I also have quite a nice selection of wines and bubbly; Getting your first house and being made redundant in the same space of a few months will do that to you. People have been so very kind.

It was my last day at work on Thursday. I will miss it alot- the people more than the work I guess. It may not have been creative but for two years I haven't dreaded going to work, in fact, I've quite looked forward to it on some occasions. It's not something I'm particularly good at- but I really hope I stay in touch with at least a few of my colleagues. The prospect of not working aside them again makes me feel immensely sad inside. Still, I've been given the opportunity to meet new work colleagues and friends so we'll see what comes of my new team.

New Year Resolutions up date:

1 and 2- works in progress. New job Monday- not so sure I'm embracing it as much as I should be... feel incredibly nervous, but I'll meet the challenge head on and kick it in the ass if I can.
3- Have added more to my LoveFilm list. I'm loving the upward trend in quality movies... after years of utter DROSS it's great to see actual cinema and story telling coming back to the forefront. Will be adding Black Swan and True Grit to the list.
4 and 5- Struggling. Not sure why... more so the latter. I think this gets worse when I feel anxious and stressed and obviously the last few months have been more so than usual.
6- Download tickets bought. Just trying to get more people to come so that it's not just me and two engineers. :-(
7- No longer walking downstairs in the dark. Done.

Now where's my chocolate box...

Chest Pain.

I am not happy at the moment.

I have been trying very hard not to give in to the stress- but it's hard.

Too much going on at once.

One person's selfishness is astounding me right now.

If I could fly away, out of here... right now, I would. Without a second thought.

Additional Resolutions...

• Stop walking down/up the stairs in the pitch black!

Wanting Things. New Books. And Derren Brown

I want to do stuff this year. And suddenly there seems to be alot to do/see this year. The main one's I'm keen on are:

• Going to Download
• Going to see Matilda
• Going to see Warhorse
• Going to see Derren Brown's new show

I'm overdosing on Derren Brown at the moment. The show I saw last May was televised last night. I bought his new book yesterday half price in the Waterstones sale, which prompted a little natter with the guy at the till about him. And this weekend, there's a whole Derren Brown night on channel 4. Total Derren overdose. It's a bit worrying... he might be trying to get inside people's brains.

So along with my wanting things... I keep wanting things lately. Even though it's my birthday in a few months and I'm supposed to be saving, I bought four new books yesterday. FOUR. One as I've mentioned was Derrens' new one (which was a lovely big, but very light hardback book with red edged pages), One is called Room which is written from the perspective of a 5 year old boy who is kept in a room with his Mother (which I've wanted to read for a few weeks), One is Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aran Ralston (the 127 Hours guy, which I've wanted to read since two days ago when I saw the film) and since those last two were on a "3 for 2" offer I also bought Sister by Rosamund Lupton because I think I read a decent review of it in Metro recently.

I like getting new books. They're all nice and square and blocky in your hands and they smell nice. They always get manked up in my skull bag on my commute to work but for a few days when you start reading, they just feel all new and nice.

Anyways, I've started with Sister, only because my colleague wants to read it after me. I've so so missed having a book to read on the train home. It makes the journey absolutely fly by because for 40 minutes I just get completely absorbed elsewhere and before I know it... I'm home.

I shouldn't want things. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I think maybe I'm on a post-christmas, post- redundancy, post- having no money, new year -almost manic- wanting-things phase.

Other things I want at the moment:

• Electric Toothbrush
• New straighteners
• Heavy Red clothes- too pretty.
• Replacement VHS DVD's - I have a handful of VHS still (Remember those!?) and want to get them replaced on dvd.
• New writing paper. I actually bought some of this on Amazon the other day but it hasn't arrived yet.
• New job
• Money
• House

127 Hours.

It takes something special to get my bum on a cinema seat these days. Unless I have a good feeling about a film I rarely go to the cinema. Prices are pretty ridiculous these days so I only usually go to the cinema if it's something I really suspect I'm going to like or I know I'm going to love (Lookin' at you there Tim Burton/Johnny Depp).

On Wednesday I went to see a preview screening of 127 Hours.

I'm not a mahooosive fan of Danny Boyle but he can sometimes do a good job. I was really impressed with this offering however. Yeah I guess the fact that the beautiful James Franco was the main star was probably the biggest pull for me to watch this film- but I'm really glad I went because as a piece of cinema, it's pretty awesome in parts.

It does a brilliant job of capturing the feelings of discomfort and pain during "the" big moment that everyone is waiting for. It's handled very cleverly, and you can visibly see everyones senses being heightened and stretched by the scenes tense, edgy, spikey sounds and the glossy, fleshy, redness of the visuals. The whole cinema squirms with discomfort, more so for the fact that you are trying to comprehend that this was reality for someone, this actually happened. It's amazing.

Unless you hate blood, go see it. Sit back and just enjoy the sensory ride. And the beauty of Franco's face- even when he's meant to look like shit, he still looks pretty hot. He's actually awesome in the film. I've never been too impressed with his acting in previous films, but he really really shines in this one. He seems to have really matured as an actor and it seems this challenge could be a big turning point in his career.

Resolutions.

1. Get a new job. Embrace change.

2. Keep in touch with friends better.

3. Watch more movies. Stop being a movie snob and give some films a go even if they don't look awesome.

4. Stop feeling old.

5. Stop calling myself ugly.

6. Go to more gigs, concerts and if possible Download this year.

All Change Please.

Another christmas just shot past at breakneck speed! I've had a very chilled Christmas with family and friends and I fully intend to make the most of the rest of my week off.

It all gets serious from now onwards.

First up for 2011 is a new job. Since I got screwed over by the Facist party in charge, I need to get my bum in gear and start some thorough weekly job searching. I have until March.

Another interesting change could be on the horizon... but as things stand I don't want to jinx it just yet by blogging about it because technically it's not quite a done deal yet.

It's all change for 2011.

2010 in BlogWords.

I yoinked this from Miss P because I thought it was cool. :-D

Speedy Weekend.

I've spent today customising some toys for Christmas. It's so nice to be in my studio with my music blaring, doing something creative again.

Tomorrow... Job hunting. Thanks very much you Tory Fascists.

Guess What?

I now tweet.

I am SO down with the kids.

Slink Inked.

So last Monday, I paid someone some of my hard earned squids to stick an inky needle in my back. Loads. It hurt at times but I'm really pleased with the result. I was even commended on my bravery by two of the tatooists... especially for a first timer like me, but credit has to be given to my good friend Mark for coming with me for support and talking to me for an hour to keep my mind off things.



It's healing nicely and I have to go back in 3 weeks to have a check up and a touch up if required. Woop.

Chillaxxxxxed.

Aside from the evil Nazi Pope who is currently worming his way round my country...

... I am having a nice day. That is all. :-)

... And relax.

So, after six weeks it looks like my time working weekends at the studio is coming to a close. I can't wait to see the final result and will be sure to post a link to it as soon as one becomes available. So. Excited.

The working weekends malarky was starting to get to me. I've been quite tired and achey this last week so the return of my weekends is a welcome one. However, I'm going to miss the studio and having such a great creative outlet. It's been so nice surrounded by likeminded, creative people again. I realise just how much I miss the company of creatives.

Still, bills still have to be paid. Once I get my full energy restored I want to set to work on some experimental/practice model making projects. Hopefully involving making some pirates. Why I have never done this before I have no idea since Pirate-ness is so ingrained in my life and has been for many many years. See the great Pirate Investigation for more information.

I have a few other possibile bloggable events going on in the foreseeable future so fingers crossed that all good stuff happens to me. :-)

Post Holiday Holiday Post.

I spent last week in Scotland with family. After working almost two weeks solid without weekends I was desperately in need of some R&R. I feel so much better; replenished. I spent this morning transferring my photo's from my SLR to my computer and I'm pretty happy with the results of most. The odd one or two needed a bit of a touch up where I got the exposure completely wrong for the lens filter I was using but hey, that's what photoshop is for! I facebooked the best ones but I think this one is my favorite.




I need to find a web space to start hosting my photographs. I used to host them all on a website called photobloggers.net which wierdly vanished one day along with all my pictures I presume. I've never quite found a photo site as good with a decent layout, tagging and organisational structure like that one had. Plus, uploading the gazillion photographs I've accumulated since then is a task I know I'll never get the time to actually do.

I have today and tomorrow before I have to go back to the rat race so I'm going to spend that time ironing the mountain of laundry I brought back, writing a few letters, eating scottish fudge and finishing off my book: The Girl Who Played With Fire by Steig Larsson. I have my eye on a few new cds's too but I need to wait until I get paid in a weeks time for those. Patience is a virtue and all that nonesense.

Little Things.

Some little things that have made me smile today:

• I know he was trying to sell something but still... " Need any flowers Gorgeous?". Thank you Mr Flower Seller.
• A cheeky wink by the tall maintenance man across the corridoor.
• Finding a stain on a train seat which looked like a dinosaur. I was too self conscious to take a photo dammit. Regret of the day.
• Hearing my Grandad telling me he was bored from his hospital bed. At least he's okay.
• The thought of my new handbag arriving tomorrow.

CRANK IT.

Currently listening to: Naked by Reef.

I am in my studio. Sculpting. Or I will be when I finish blogging.

Good Music. Fishfingers in my belly. Sculpting hands at the ready. More sculpting projects in the next month or two.

Feeling better already.

Mood: Don't ask.

I feel stupid.

That is all.

Mood: Rotten.

I feel weak, tired, lonely and annoyed today.

So much so that I can't even write about it. I need an uplift.

An apology and a hug would be enough.

Things to Think About Instead of Redundancy.

1. I wish I had my own cat. But then it couldn't possibly be as cool as my other two family cats could it? No way.

2. I am going to see Tim Minchin in December. Could be jobless by then so will need the laughs... doh!

3. After reading books about the Taliban, Nazi's and Mugabe I was leant PS. I Love You by a colleague at work. The pale blue and pink cover immediately put me off but I perservered and whilst the ending wasn't as sickly sweet as I predicted... it was all still a bit rubbish. I'm now reading a story based around a suicide and illegal immigrants and I'm already enjoying it far far more.

4. I also have queued up to read: Richard Dawkins- The Greatest Show on Earth and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

5. The word Queued is really weird. But then most words are when you look at them long enough.

6. I had groceries delivered from from Ocado today. My driver was called Rex and he drove a purple cabbage van. I was very impressed despite buying the worlds biggest bag of pasta by accident.

7. I really need a hair cut. And a new bag. Well actually I don't really really need a new bag... but I do want one.

8. I dressed like a gypsy pirate on Sunday. I think I looked wicked cool. I wore my new octopus necklace.

9. I love clouds.