Jelly.

Just back from my first visit to see Mum in the HDU. Her Op took longer than expected due to complications which is going to have an impact on recovery but hopefully things are going okay for the time being.

She looks so uncomfortable, swollen, sore. There's alot of wires and beeping equipment. There's just a single bed in a big, light room. And there's my Mum in the middle of it all, in a lot of pain... and I can't do anything to help.

She's going to be in longer than expected. In all probability she'll still be in hospital for her birthday which is rubbish. Hopefully we can make up for it with lots of balloons when she comes out.

I fed her mushroom soup. Vic fed her jelly for afters.

She's in the best possible place; her doctor and nurses all seem nice and they're keeping avery close eye on her... and I know no matter what happens she'll get through it... all that rational bullshit that you get told over and over... but ultimately, my Mum is in pain and I can't do anything to help and that pretty much sucks.

A Small Victory.

In other news...

I fought Royal Mail and I won.

They stopped short at an admission of utter incompetence, theft and vandalism and technically still owe me £3.03... but I got MOST of my compensation after a ridiculously drawn out battle.

I stand, tenacious and satisfied that justice, on this occasion, was done.

Screw you Royal Mail.

May the Force be with you.

Russell Brand on England Riots

A brilliantly eloquent and thought provoking article by Russell Brand on the England Riots.

And now this...
Cameron Hates Police

Even Theresa May has praised Police handling of the Riots... or she did on day one or two. I'm pretty sure Cameron has got to her since and told her to change her slant to outright critisicm so they can follow through with their shamefully unfair budget cuts.

It's clear as day that Cameron is as anti-police as some of the Rioters. He's done nothing but criticise the Police and I've heard some frankly ludicrous quotes over the last few days which clearly show him to be a clueless and stubborn. The worst was whinging over getting Police Officers "out from their desk jobs in HR and back office and back on the streets". Show me ONE Officer who works in HR. He hasn't got the faintest idea what back office jobs even do let alone make comments about them. I heard him say "certain jobs can be civilianised" to ensure front line policing isn't affected. " David, you fuckwit, it's civillian jobs you've already targeted as pointless and have cut already. You cut back office, SOMEONE still has to do the work- if you've only got Officers left- then that's who's got to do it.

Theresa May calling for cancellation of Police leave? This is impossible. She cannot call for cancellation of leave. Rest days were cancelled long before she "cancelled leave". NO annual leave has been cancelled. BIG mistake from May here as cancellation of annual leave would be a clear failure of Policing staffing levels and an open admission that there aren't enough Officers to Police communities.

My prediciton- this is going to get ugly, politically ugly. The public, by and large from what I've heard, have praised the Police work over the last week. It's Cameron who will try and change that. Politicians did nothing, other than fly back home through this. The Police brought order back- not the government. Concerns are now fully focussed on Police work, resources and budgets and whilst this is a good thing, I know Cameron will stick to his guns and push forward with his devastating plans if only because he doesn't want to do a U-turn. They've fucked up here, and I hope the public don't fall for his "I waded back from my hols and sorted this out" shit he's trying to spin. It doesn't wash with me and it won't with most intelligent people.

Meltdown.

UK RIOTS

We knew it was coming... but it's still shocking to see the state of cities across England right now.

Witnessing the dedicated, hard work of the emergency services amidst the low morale, countless media attacks and the determination of the Tory government to break up their livelihoods, pensions and jobs- I've become more determined to stamp out the Tories from Government for the rest of my days. I've been proud to see a great deal of bravery and an amazing attitude at work over the past week.

All this was predicted months ago by politicians and Police forces alike. Ignored. Our forces are stretched already. If these riots are repeated next year we're royally screwed for dealing with it. Even the Army, who will have to step in as replacement will be significantly decreased. I'm reassured to see Boris Johnson asking for a review of the impending Police cuts- though I have little faith in the Tories to see sense. I predict they will take no accountability for this. This criminality would NOT have happened as a matter of course... this criminality was not a result of a shooting alone. Disorder has spread becuase this country is shattered and vulnerable, weakened by a catalogue of heavy handed, poor decisions by a clueless, misguided Government.

I'm saddened to see the streets I walk through, used to work nearby, the shops I shop in... reduced to crumbled wrecks, trashed by ignorant scum. More saddened though to see the hard work of my friends and colleagues getting slated. They're damned if they do, damned if they don't.

I do not condone these riots and I have sympathy for the many innocent lives, businesses and people affected by these attrocities... but I can't help a tiny, niggling feeling that as a soceity, perhaps more so the Government ... deserve this. The anger, the hopelessness, the cuts. I can only hope it's a wake up call to the Government that they've fucked up. They took too much, from too many, too soon. This has highlighted how precious the emergency services are, how brave our police are and just how much we rely on them to protect us from harm. Without them, particularly in Birmingham, where my friends and colleagues have bravely and robustly confronted this disorder, the damage and impact would have been far far worse. We're facing that very problem if these cuts go ahead.

About the scum: They've proven they're worth. They've shown their scutty little loot laden hands and faces and laughed in the faces of the honest and law-abiding. Our Government can't even come down hard on them because they don't have the money or resources for the justice that will be expected. Human Rights laws need to be changed in this country to protect victims. Police have to be allowed to do their jobs, use force, reclaim the authority which has been taken away from them by consecutive failures of Governments and a frankly pathetic Media.

Cameron, finally back from his holiday, a commodity many people in this country who have lost their jobs can no longer afford, said "we need more police on the streets". Yes David, Yes we do.
Wake up. Strap on a pair and sort this mess out.

Mr Cameron, who has been visiting the West Midlands Police Command and Control
Centre in Birmingham, adds: "I know that the police here in Birmingham, here in
the West Midlands, are working night and day to get to the bottom of what
happened and bring the perpetrators to justice.

"We rely on the police
to keep our communities, to keep our country, to keep our shops and homes safe.
They need our support in doing that job."

From the BBC news website

Police employees will find this a bitter pill to swallow. The Tories do NOT support the Police. Their cuts threaten the ethos and values held by each Force. If, as a voter, you support your Police... If as a tax payer you want to be protected and feel safe in your community, then get behind your Police and lobby AGAINST cuts to your Force.

Cells.

My Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday.

I find it surreal, frightening and completely unfair.

People keep saying she'll be okay, that treatments are so much better now, but it's still cancer. It's a killer, it can spread... and as much as every bone in my body doesn't want this to be reality, the truth is it's something that can kill and I don't want to my Mum to die. For the first time, my Mum not being around is a very real possibility no matter how remote. I'm not being pessimistic... I just need to talk about what is frightening me about this the most. I can't really say it out loud.

I've read as much as I can about it... not that I took all of it in. This thing hasn't just invaded my Mum, but our family. What keeps making me cry at the moment is the very fact that she doesn't deserve this. I guess that's a very normal thing to feel. She'll get through this, I keep telling myself ... but she'll have to go through hell and back and it's not fucking fair.

My Mum's been told she's got to have a mastectomy. This is something I can barely even comprehend having to go through. The prognosis isn't terrible, it's all going to unfold at a slow and steady pace no doubt and she should have had her op by September, but I'm still scared of all this. I just don't want this to be the case. I hate that this has happened to someone I love so much... and there's not an awful lot I can do to help either. No matter what I say or do... I can't share what she's going to have to feel- emotionally or physically. If it meant her not having to- I would.

The other day I was bitching about Royal Mail, excited about some new shoes, wanting to go out to my favorite rock club and now it all just seems so fucking stupid. Trivial, menial things that don't matter.

This just isn't fair. I just want her to be okay.

Royal Fail.

Dear Royal Mail,

Thank you so much for dropping the carefully crafted customised model, securely packaged, FRAGILE marked piece of post that I entrusted into your care after parting with my hard earned cash. This item was for a customer's wedding and in order to treat my customers in a fair manner- a concept you're clearly alien too- I got the item returned to myself, repaired and posted back in time for her special day. She was pleased. She didn't, of course, blame me for the cracked model she found- looking at the crack and the huge dent in the box it was blatantly clear for all to see that Royal Mail handlers ignored the FRAGILE marked box.

In addition to this, thank you so much for sending me three INFURIATING letters stating I haven't submitted enough evidence for a full claim. Despite my first claim including, the two page form, a two page letter stating why I couldn't return the item to you, a 12 page document full of emails from my client and photographs of the item- before being posted, after coming into contact with yourselves and being damaged, and also a breakdown of my costs. I have submitted this TWICE to you, as the "customer service advisors" I have spoken to, although pleasant, have been piss all help with actually acertaining what the hell you've done with my claim and evidence. Two of these letters have included an even more infuriating, insulting cheque for £7.00. I look forward to receiving the remaining £43 you owe me you thieiving, ignorant, incompetent little shits.

You've clearly ignored everything I've sent to you and continue to deny that I've sent in any evidence of the damage you've caused. This means you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want with the products in your care, and get away with it.

I can only hope that I live to see the day that this miserable excuse for an organisation is driven out of the market by a company who actually delivers ... LITERALLY. You have ZERO accountability and you play to this by making it as difficult as possible to pay up even when it's blatantly obvious that you've failed to provide the service paid for by customers. You are outdated and completely incompetent. No amount of pleasant, sympathy-faking customer advisors are going to dampen the dissappointment and anger I have over the whole sorry affair.

You will not have my custom (if I can help it) or sympathy again as you are little more than a seedy insurance company- dodging the ball when it comes to accepting responsibility for the failing, weedy little service you can barely muster up.

Goodbye and Good Riddance.

Change.

I am physically and mentally drained at the moment.

I'm in desperate need of a pick me up.

No actually, that won't work. I need things to change.

Family Ties.

Sometimes I don't want anything to do with you because I am just so fed up of your family.

From a real woman.

"Real women have curves"

I resent this phrase.

The many years of using too-thin models on catwalks and the linking up of eating disorders with images of thin women in the media, has given birth to an ugly counter-phenomenon. I'm not going to deny that media has a hugely negative impact on women's esteem... but I find this particular line of defence disturbing. Women have turned on each other, using a "them and us" mindset which only serves to further alienate and lower esteem.

We should be pushing for real beauty, as opposed to plastics, airbrushing and photo-editing; We should be pushing for acceptance of spots, freckles, wrinkles, scars- all those things that makes human skin human; Pushing for feeling healthy and happy in your skin. THIS phrase, this "Real Women" assault, has been coined by full figured ladies tired of being made to feel ugly by the use of slim women in media- and they've fought back in the stereotypically bitchy way some women can resort to; by putting someone else down. It's cliched, it's dull and it's tiresome.

I am slim. I have always been small. Contrary to popular belief, I struggle to get clothes to fit and there are clothes I would love to wear but can't or wouldn't feel comfortable in. I don't tend to put on much weight but I am as susceptible to stretch marks and cellulite as the next woman. I have small boobs (highly unfashionable), very fair skin which does not tan (and neither do I feel the need to do so), thin hair, freckles, moles and scars. I have just as many issues with my body as the next woman- if not more. I have struggled accepting how I look and am prone to bouts of intense insecurity about my body; I've struggled to feel any degree of comfort in my skin. I am often asked if I eat properly, or if I specifically try to maintain my low weight... and people have no qualms about making comments about my physique which they wouldn't dream of doing to a fuller sized person. Something about being naturally slim seems to give the rest of the world an open invitation to comment on your size, as if for some reason, I won't mind. Well why would I, seeing as by today's standards, I am not a real woman.

I would love to ask those who feel the need to enquire about my clothing size, whether they would feel the need to ask it of a larger sized woman. I would also love to know how people calling me skinny as if it's a compliment, would feel if I suddenly felt the urge to conjure up a nickname based purely on the the size of their waistband.

This is the problem with this phrase.

It might make you fat ladies (not nice is it, being labelled) feel better about yourselves, but it's doing nothing for the fight against the media. The media has not changed; 99% of imagery we see in advertising is edited and airbrushed and we're still being conditioned to accept it.

It's doing nothing to fight against eating disorders because these disorders are always going to exist, exacerbated wherever there are attacks on women's esteem; as long as women are to be judged by what they look like and told they are not good enough.

It's doing nothing to challenge perceptions or promote happiness, esteem and acceptance for ALL women- quite the opposite in fact; it's divisive, nasty and a cheap shot. Whatever the intention was- it's misguided and poorly judged.


What is this even based on!? Are these ladies making a lame attempt at harking back to the old Renaissance paintings where big, pale, wobbly thighs were a thing of beauty- well fair enough- but a small bust and eating as much as you could to prove your wealth was fashionable then too. The truth is that Real Women come in all shapes and sizes, colours, heights and widths.

I may be slim. I may not conform to the stereotypical "beauty". But I AM a real woman. I am far more than my clothing size and will continue to feel saddened and disgusted by the promotion of the "real women" campaigns. Such a great opportunity lost and wasted, proving that women's self esteem will always be abused and contorted.

Download-ed.

Oh. My. God.

I survived... just about. Only mud was on the last day... thankfully. My trusty Wedge Wellies were a god send. In fact, on Sunday, the ONLY parts of me that weren't soaked to the bone and freezing cold were my feet!

Thursday we spent all day trudging round to find a good pitch. We ended up in the Brown campsite which suited us just fine though it was probably the furthest away from pretty much everything! I think we just ate, drank and had a poke about in The Village.

Friday was gloriously sunny to start with and we watched CKY kick off precedings who would have been alot more entertaining if the lead guitarist wasn't such an ignorant little shit. We were pretty close to the front for the first few acts who were Puddle of Mudd who put in an average performance, Duff McDuffs Duff band who I most certainly did NOT enjoy- far too much American tripe, and then we got to the good stuff with a blinding set from Black Stone Cherry. I think at this point, I was removed from the Main Stage thanks to being outvoted by my Download companions, and had to watch Children of Bo(r)dom on the second stage who were absolutely crap, but we were back at the main stage to see Alterbridge who were far far better than I thought they'd be.

Rain threatened to interrupt us enjoying Korn on the second stage- but they were awesome. It's a wonder I was able to actually see anything due to the copious amounts of tobacco and other substances being smoked in the audience. It would seem Korn fans like their dangerous chemicals. I was hoping for a rendition of Word Up! but even though it didn't happen I wasn't disappointed- they were absolutely brilliant and we even got a blast of Bagpipes from Jonathon Davis! Genius! To finish off the day, now in heavier rain, we went to see the cheese-meisters Deff Leppard. I think the less said about this the better... we left half way through and headed back on the 30 minute walk back to camp.

Saturday saw the Sun back again in the morning. Myself and my fellow Downbloaders were already sporting various degrees of sunburn at this stage and wierdly I woke up with a swollen forehead. It didn't look too red, but it was swollen up so I couldn't frown or raise my eyebrows- not particularly a problem while at Download! I can only assume this happened while we were trying to find a pitch on Thursday as I'd slathered myself in factor 50 no less the previous day! Still, we ate as much food as we could and headed to the Arena for our second day of rock/metal. I was determined to grab and maintain hold on a decent place near(ish) the front of the main stage on Saturday because System of a Down were headlining in the evening. So, we pretty much remained rooted to the spot for The Devil Wears Prada (not good), All That Remains (this band remains a mystery since I cannot remember ANY of the set... I can only vaguely recognise the band... I have no idea to this day where my head was at while this band were playing!), Escape the Fate (more un-memorable stuff), Skindred who were one of the highlights of my weekend- despite being nearly crushed they absolutely SMASHED it. They were awesome. These were followed by The Hollywood Undead who I'm glad I missed by going to get a much needed burger. We were back in position, thanks to a bit of tag-team-work with my fellow Downloaders, and here we watched Down who were average- possibly spoilt by another utter cock of a frontman. I was pretty stoked and excited about seeing Skunk Anansie, and Skin definitely wins for outfit of the weekend (!) ... but it was spoilt by much of the crowd gathering for Avenged Sevenfold- most of whom were complete intolerant bastards and didn't give Skin and her crew the audience they deserved. She kept going, like a trooper... and did a spot of crowd walking (i.e walking ON the crowd which was brave/stupud I'm not sure which!). They were really on form, but the setlist wasn't what it could have been and a minority of the audience really spoilt it for me by treating them like shit. To those few fans who felt the need to be so disgusting and pathetic while waiting a mere hour for another average band- grow the fuck up you complete moronic bastards.

... ahem... anyway where were we... yeah following Skunk Anansie, was Avenged Sevenfold who were, again, better than I had expected as I'm not a huge fan of their stuff. They had a massive following... but I dunno- I just can't shake the feeling that their whole ethos is so old and unoriginal, a little bit 80's. Is it really so hard to be inventive these days?! ... still, I endured for the sake of System of a Down. There was a bit of a wait, dodging bottles of piss/beer and being entertained by a couple of ballsy lighting riggers. It was so worth the wait. So worth the bottle dodging, the crushing (though I was mostly protecting and sheltered from this by N!), the sunburn, the rain. People were being lifted out of the crowd for being crushed or the circle pits expanding too much... but my god... it was worth waiting for... System were just blinding. I sang/shouted until my voice went croaky and I just didn't want it to end. Incredible.

Following from Saturdays high... Sunday came around- our last day. We ate a bit of breakfast trying to use up the last bits of our food and booze before home the following day. Yes- we did have booze for breakfast. It started raining pretty soon after... we weren't in any rush until a bit later on in the day so we played a game of band A-Z, shouting to each other from our tents as we all sheltered from the pouring rain. We sheltered until about mid day where we braved it to go and see Karma to Burn on the second stage- who oddly, weren't there and were replaced with Hyro Da Hero. By this point, we'd discovered the driving rain was also accompanied by a strong and bloody freezing wind... neither of which showed any signs of letting up. This is where things took a turn for the worse. My trusty Mack in a Pack who has accompanied me on many many journeys for the last 10 years... decided to commit suicide on my body. It gave up the ghost- was no longer waterproof. It soaked through my not-so-waterproof, and consequently my hoody, my cardy-jacket layer, my thin hoody, and my vest top... to my now shivering wreck of a body. I managed to endure a wierd Norweigen metal band whose name escapes me and the freakin wierdness of GWAR (which was like world of warcraft meets red dwarf on viagra and speed)... before realising that I really needed to get warm and dry soon as. I headed back to camp... and it was a good hour or two before I felt warm again. I had intended to go back for Buckcherry, Disturbed and Bullet for My Valentine, finishing with Frank Turner on the Pepsi Max stage... but it became apparant that ALL my warm layers I'd been wearing were soaked through and that I had nothing dry or warm to wear. The rain was heavier than ever, the wind was even colder if it was possible and I pretty much had to cut my losses and stay put in my tent, miserably listening to Disturbed and Bullet from afar. I was gutted... but I guess no band is worth getting sick for. Next year, I will definitely be taking a far more substantial rain coat.

And that concluded Download. The long trudge back to the car carrying all our stuff, in the masses of mud from the previous day felt like some sort of apocalyptic mass exodus of weary, sunburnt, slightly damp, achey broken people burdened with too much luggage and inappropriate footwear. Still... a last southern comfort and coke accompanied by an apple, was had in celebration on reaching the car... and our trip ended.

Don't forget the Duck Tape.

One commission almost down... just got to cook it once I have client approval.

I haven't started packing for Download yet. I have SO much to do... and two nights to do it in. What do I go and do? Book tickets to watch the new Senna film at the cinema tomorrow night! That now leaves me ONE night to obtain and pack everything I could possibly need for Download.

I have a list. No actually, I have TWO lists. I love lists... couldn't do without them. List maintainance is my only downfall. Once the list is written, and I find the whole process very very useful and comforting, I do struggle actually using the list to its full potential by either losing it or ignoring it.

So I have my list. I have various bags of stuff that I've bought especially to help me survive- but I need to actually start packing clothes and bits. I still need to get Duck tape. (Is it Duck or Duct, I've never found out!?)... this will be one essential item for emergencies. ( In case we get our tent slashed, not for kidnapping I might add).

I think really, I'm too excited and nervous to start packing. I'm keeping one eye on the weather this week also.

Oh yeah and I have Jury Service next month. Boo. But I can't focus or waste energy on this yet.

The next time I blog... I will be Post-Download. You could say Downloaded.

Juice!

Of the creative kind I might add.

Crazy stuff is happening all at once.

I've had four weeks of training courses at work since I'm moving over to a new team next month involved in the implementation of a new system. I'm not single-handedly running the show anymore so that's taken a bit of pressure off. However, loads of other stuff has moved in it's place. This is both good and bad.. but mostly good.

I am embarking on an NVQ Level 2 Certificate in Business Administration at work... pretty much because it's free and it might make it harder for Theresa May to get rid of my job next year. Bitch.

At the same time as this... I've been getting the odd enquiry from my website about model commissions. One of these has resulted in a full order which is great news... though I'm undercharging to start with. Due to this increase in interest I've put together some official documents to give the whole process a proper structure to help me feel more in control and professional. I'm also working on the idea of a new sideline website entirely devoted to my commission work. I've also spent this evening making up an order book so I can plan orders and deadlines without things overlapping and my time being mis-managed.

As a result of getting to know people at work, and showing them my website/artwork I've also received a further commission which will start immediately after completing this current one. Because I've charged less, we're in talks about a possible advertising link up with a local business. More great news!

With my creativity getting back into gear, I've been delighted to see the results of the few weeks of part time work I did at the Animation Studio last year. It just looks so awesome and I'm so happy I was a part of it, albeit a very small part.

You can view the advert *here*. Look out for my Hero Barley right at the end. :-)

As if all that wasn't enough... N and I went to see Maybeshewill in Birmingham a few weeks ago and they were jaw-droppingly good. They blew me away, and even retweeted me after the gig to my suprise... though embarrassingly I did say I was in love with them. Oops. I haven't felt this amazed by a band for years. They make me feel like Radiohead used to (and still do sometimes). I feel emotional, chills, I get lost in it... It's just incredible stuff and I can almost feel energy from it pulsing through my bloodstream when I listen to it. I feel re-awakened.

ANNNNDDDD.... STILL there's more... Download Festival is a mere week and a half away and I still haven't a clue how to put my tent up. I have that nervous excited feeling about it because it's going to be a big smack in the face of awe, amazement, nasty smells, bad food, weather, complicated hair issues and poo. SO much to get, plan, do and pack before the big day though... Think it may be time to get my list writing pen out.

Busy times my friends... but busy is good right?
:-)

Svengali.

So I went to see Derren Brown's new show Svengali last night. I'm a huge fan of the guy but I have to say last night he wasn't on his usual top form. The show was dogged with technical issues which really interrupted the flow of the evening, a few of the people on stage were wierd (but I guess you can't help that) and all in all I wound up feeling that Derren would have been a bit gutted about the whole show. You could tell he wasn't happy with it at the end when he took his bow... too many glitches just marred the performance and I think if I hadn't seen the amazing Enigma last year and known just how brilliant his shows can be, I think I'd have left ever so slightly disappointed if Svengali had been my first. I won't go into the content of the show because, as always, we're asked to keep it a secret but I really hope that the rest of the shows here over the next week or so run much smoother for him because I know just how amazing he can be.

Chin up Derren and better luck next time!

Re-Awaken.

I'm re-discovering music and loving it.

For a couple of years actually if I'm honest, I've been completely uninspired by musical offerings. I think this is partly due to the fact I gave up looking... but I think one lead to the other. Now though, I've started to re-discover my love for it. I've been buying more of it... and I've also invested in a bloody decent system to actually combine my computer collection with a really good speaker which I can listen to throughout the whole house. I love my Sonos. It sounds beefy, rounded, pure and honest to the music. It makes me want to listen to every song I own again... all the ones I've been listening to on (decent but unworthy) little computer speakers for the last six years... and hear it all as if new.

Along with that, as if by magic, I'm finding new bands I like. There seems to be new green shoots of new sounds coming through the drought-ridden undergrowth of music. I've recently discovered an amazing band called Maybeshewill who have blown me away. I've bought their last two albums and loved their awesome soundscapes so much I've pre-ordered their new album released at the end of the month AND I'm going to see them play at the O2 Academy next week. I haven't been to a gig (other than small local/friends bands) in SO SO long and I can't wait to experience that again. It's going to be a warm up to Download which is creeping ever closer.

My blood is buzzing with new music right now and I feel really pumped up by it. It gives me energy, fills me with memories and awe.

It's like I'm breathing in creativity again... and that makes me feel good.

'AV it!

I voted Yes today. Because I feel it's the right thing to do. And if the Tory's are opposed to something... then it's bound to be fair and always worth a second look in my book.

Something wierd happened while I voted... someone saw my cross. I realised as I was trying to get the paper in the millimeter wide slit in the voting box, that I hadn't folded my paper fully and and when I turned my paper over- there was my cross! Horror of horror. It felt illegal.

Still jobs a goodun.

RED.

I get this sometimes. When I fume... I really fume. And I fume quick.

The quickest, easiest way to do this to me? Hypocrisy.

I hate it. Unfortunately I seem to find myself surrounded by it on a daily basis, and yes, this is all part of this rather messed up adult world we live in. This, I guess, I have come to tolerate somewhat. The kind I'm talking about here, the kind that will just make my blood boil, is where this hypocrisy somehow gets tangled up with me having to defend myself. People who know me well, know that I can be somewhat outspoken. Sometimes I feel like I should be the sort of person people want me to be- the one who sits there quietly and keeps her mouth shut. I can demonstrate both tact and diplomacy, but if you ask me for my opinion- you'll get it, and if you ask for my frank opinion you'll get that too. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should blog more- vent my frustrations here rather than the spoken word- because somehow this gets me in to trouble.

Still, I digress, because ultimately... I get told I am bossy, it becomes implied that I am a bitch, that I never forget things and bare grudges. The latter, for a start, is true- I do remember, I hurt easily- and it's one of the things that gets thrown at women in general alot too; that we remember past hurts. Don't we all?! I live with someone who took about 4 years to come to terms with the fact that I had a prior relationship with someone else before him. This, has been bandied about to his friends and family as some sort of "damaged goods" scenario at complete humiliation to myself at times. This took him FOUR years to get over. FOUR. Fucking wierd considering it has NOTHING to do with him who I chose to see/do before we were even together. Said person, loves to bash me infront of his family and mine. I'm made out to be difficult, stroppy, loud mouthed and intolerant - mainly because I'm not a doormat and I stick up for myself. I'm not going to deny that yes I can be moody... neither am I going to blame this on hormones or any other such patronising biological reasoning.. sometimes I'm just angry and that's the way it is. But still... all these human things are heaped on me, labelling me and summing me up to be something quite horrible. Maybe I am. I don't even know... but I don't care for being summed up as all the negative sides to me.. of which people love to point out... there appear to be many.

I've become accustomed to being talked about in this way... but it still hurts. And, actually, it makes me angry. It makes me defensive. Because I see these very traits in almost every other person I meet, yet I don't point it out or feel the need to summarise their whole being as those things. This is nearing my hypocrisy issue... but not quite.

I said something today. Something that could cause minor embarrassment to someone who has admitted they should have known better. Said person, lets call them P, is mostly regarded in high esteem by the rest of our company. P can safely hide behind a stoic, well rounded, secure image because he is a) Male and b) because his dirty laundry is, in present company, kept securely by myself. He therefore took GREAT umbridge with me disclosing something about his behaviour a mere 2 nights before (in which he drank too much (again) and needed nursing the following day)... in reference to the fact that I was explaining how I can, being a woman, look after myself quite fine without needing a man to keep me or pay for me. Yes, perhaps it was a slight dig into his reputation, yes perhaps it was a cheap shot- but utlimately, I thought, in good jest and harmless. P brought it up later and made out that I'd done so presumably because I'm such a bitch that I just take great pleasure in making him look bad and of course, my number one hobby is emasculating men. THIS is where I saw red. THIS coming from the person who disclosed intimate details of my history of another guy and my mental health (and medical proceedures!?!) with his friends, family, (causing countless issues with complete bigoted loons within the latter)... THIS coming from the person who frequently makes out I'm a crazed, emotional wreck unable to cope with stress, motherhood or anything remotely challenging, THIS from the person who frequently berates me to friends and family for being a bitchy, nasty piece of work who never forgives, who nags, controls and constantly snipes.

Maybe I am all those things... Maybe I am all that?! But don't EVER ever tell me that I embarrassed you unnecessarily from a throw away comment when you've PURPOSELY set out to disclose completely personal things to others and FORCED me to face them afterwards.

I am so furious.

This probably makes no sense because I'm typing at a hundred miles an hour. But I am fuming. I am angry.

I guess I really don't forget things. Does anyone?!

It's About Time.

This is the first weekend that I've actually been able to kick back. Technically, there is still a GAZILLION things I could be doing house wise, but it's nice to get to a stage where I can actually relax in my own home and enjoy the space even though it's not finished.

I'm loving the fact that I have an outside space... and I'm getting excited about buying a tree for the garden when I can find one which is happy to live out of a pot. Also, I'm experimenting with a few fruit and vegetable plants in the garden- just a few to start with and we'll see what happens. So far I have planted- strawberries, potatoes, pea, peppers and tomatoes. I guess this is what happens when you turn 28 and have a house. :-)

I've had an awesome but busy few weeks and to be honest the bank holidays have done me a LOT of good. I feel replenished. It's amazing what a few days off work can do. Equally amazing how bad for your health work is!

The result of a pretty awesome April is having absolutely NO money left. I have a mere £100 to last until payday. That could be interesting. May's going to be equally busy but far less fun... though I do have two little rays of sunshine amongst the mass of training courses that work is sending me on: Derren Brown's Svengali on May 9th and Maybeshewill on May 17th. I haven't been to a gig in absolutely-ruddy-ages so I'm going to use this as a Download warm up. Speaking of which- I have about 6 weeks to get everything together and prepped for my first festival in 9 years. I still have no tent.

There is just SO much to do... it's a good job I'm such a good list writer.

Whacked.

I am so. freakin. tired. I've spent two evenings trying to clean the house and it looks no different than before... if not worse. I have a party to go to tomorrow night. I have internal doors to paint, plus three coats on our back door. I need a haircut desperately but cant afford one. I have parcels being delivered to various places all over town. I have a wall to decorate; A party to buy for, prepare for, tidy for and plan; An unfinished Sonos set up; Over £600 owed; A broken Shower to fix or get replaced; A centrepiece to design and make in two weeks; A house to fully clean and tidy; Two rooms to straighten out; a costume to finish; three birthday presents to buy; a washing machine which is NOT making the right sort of noises; a day of cleaning at work tomorrow to look forward to plus a party to go to in the evening. I have spent the last two weeks single handedly running the show at work... and steadily getting more and more of a desire to leave. I'm also training another member of staff- a mere 6 weeks under my belt and still learning myself- and now I'm supposed to be adequately train another member of staff?! My head is constantly buzzing. While it's nice to be out of my seat and away from my computer I feel like I've walked miles and miles and miles this week. I probably have. I take the stairs about 5-6 times a day, of which there are 6 flights. I also had to go into town at lunch and I'm walking to and from the train station daily. The weather is mild, it's beautiful some days- but I feel too bogged down to actually feel good about it. If I could just stop time and have a really really good night's sleep... I reckon I might just be able to handle this without having a heart attack or an emotional meltdown.

New Job.

This is my third week in my new job. One day I feel I like it there, and the next I don't.

Today I was the ONLY person in my office. I have been doing my job for two weeks. I am untrained in ALL the systems I need to actually DO said job, so I can't access any of them. I am unable to answer queries fully and I'm literally wiling away the days taking notes. WHY my managers felt it was at all acceptable to have just me holding the fort when I can do diddly squat is beyond me. I'm out of my depth and whilst I know that there's always a period of adjustment- this isn't a job I even chose so I'm struggling to "hang in there". I haven't dreaded getting up for work for a couple of years and it's not a feeling I want to get back either... but things aren't going to get better. More staff are leaving in the next few weeks due to cuts, and I have a feeling my training will be overlooked whilst other matters take precedence.

urgh. Still, I can't grumble too much because it's a job, on the same pay and I know these are hard to come by right now. Now if the Tory's would just vanish off the face of the Earth... I might feel a tad more optimistic about getting a job I know I'd like...

*sigh*

Chocolate Face.

If chocolate didn't exist I would have imploded in the last few weeks. No question.

I currently hold the biggest stash of chocolate I think I've had since post christmas in 1988. I also have quite a nice selection of wines and bubbly; Getting your first house and being made redundant in the same space of a few months will do that to you. People have been so very kind.

It was my last day at work on Thursday. I will miss it alot- the people more than the work I guess. It may not have been creative but for two years I haven't dreaded going to work, in fact, I've quite looked forward to it on some occasions. It's not something I'm particularly good at- but I really hope I stay in touch with at least a few of my colleagues. The prospect of not working aside them again makes me feel immensely sad inside. Still, I've been given the opportunity to meet new work colleagues and friends so we'll see what comes of my new team.

New Year Resolutions up date:

1 and 2- works in progress. New job Monday- not so sure I'm embracing it as much as I should be... feel incredibly nervous, but I'll meet the challenge head on and kick it in the ass if I can.
3- Have added more to my LoveFilm list. I'm loving the upward trend in quality movies... after years of utter DROSS it's great to see actual cinema and story telling coming back to the forefront. Will be adding Black Swan and True Grit to the list.
4 and 5- Struggling. Not sure why... more so the latter. I think this gets worse when I feel anxious and stressed and obviously the last few months have been more so than usual.
6- Download tickets bought. Just trying to get more people to come so that it's not just me and two engineers. :-(
7- No longer walking downstairs in the dark. Done.

Now where's my chocolate box...

Chest Pain.

I am not happy at the moment.

I have been trying very hard not to give in to the stress- but it's hard.

Too much going on at once.

One person's selfishness is astounding me right now.

If I could fly away, out of here... right now, I would. Without a second thought.

Additional Resolutions...

• Stop walking down/up the stairs in the pitch black!

Wanting Things. New Books. And Derren Brown

I want to do stuff this year. And suddenly there seems to be alot to do/see this year. The main one's I'm keen on are:

• Going to Download
• Going to see Matilda
• Going to see Warhorse
• Going to see Derren Brown's new show

I'm overdosing on Derren Brown at the moment. The show I saw last May was televised last night. I bought his new book yesterday half price in the Waterstones sale, which prompted a little natter with the guy at the till about him. And this weekend, there's a whole Derren Brown night on channel 4. Total Derren overdose. It's a bit worrying... he might be trying to get inside people's brains.

So along with my wanting things... I keep wanting things lately. Even though it's my birthday in a few months and I'm supposed to be saving, I bought four new books yesterday. FOUR. One as I've mentioned was Derrens' new one (which was a lovely big, but very light hardback book with red edged pages), One is called Room which is written from the perspective of a 5 year old boy who is kept in a room with his Mother (which I've wanted to read for a few weeks), One is Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aran Ralston (the 127 Hours guy, which I've wanted to read since two days ago when I saw the film) and since those last two were on a "3 for 2" offer I also bought Sister by Rosamund Lupton because I think I read a decent review of it in Metro recently.

I like getting new books. They're all nice and square and blocky in your hands and they smell nice. They always get manked up in my skull bag on my commute to work but for a few days when you start reading, they just feel all new and nice.

Anyways, I've started with Sister, only because my colleague wants to read it after me. I've so so missed having a book to read on the train home. It makes the journey absolutely fly by because for 40 minutes I just get completely absorbed elsewhere and before I know it... I'm home.

I shouldn't want things. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I think maybe I'm on a post-christmas, post- redundancy, post- having no money, new year -almost manic- wanting-things phase.

Other things I want at the moment:

• Electric Toothbrush
• New straighteners
• Heavy Red clothes- too pretty.
• Replacement VHS DVD's - I have a handful of VHS still (Remember those!?) and want to get them replaced on dvd.
• New writing paper. I actually bought some of this on Amazon the other day but it hasn't arrived yet.
• New job
• Money
• House

127 Hours.

It takes something special to get my bum on a cinema seat these days. Unless I have a good feeling about a film I rarely go to the cinema. Prices are pretty ridiculous these days so I only usually go to the cinema if it's something I really suspect I'm going to like or I know I'm going to love (Lookin' at you there Tim Burton/Johnny Depp).

On Wednesday I went to see a preview screening of 127 Hours.

I'm not a mahooosive fan of Danny Boyle but he can sometimes do a good job. I was really impressed with this offering however. Yeah I guess the fact that the beautiful James Franco was the main star was probably the biggest pull for me to watch this film- but I'm really glad I went because as a piece of cinema, it's pretty awesome in parts.

It does a brilliant job of capturing the feelings of discomfort and pain during "the" big moment that everyone is waiting for. It's handled very cleverly, and you can visibly see everyones senses being heightened and stretched by the scenes tense, edgy, spikey sounds and the glossy, fleshy, redness of the visuals. The whole cinema squirms with discomfort, more so for the fact that you are trying to comprehend that this was reality for someone, this actually happened. It's amazing.

Unless you hate blood, go see it. Sit back and just enjoy the sensory ride. And the beauty of Franco's face- even when he's meant to look like shit, he still looks pretty hot. He's actually awesome in the film. I've never been too impressed with his acting in previous films, but he really really shines in this one. He seems to have really matured as an actor and it seems this challenge could be a big turning point in his career.

Resolutions.

1. Get a new job. Embrace change.

2. Keep in touch with friends better.

3. Watch more movies. Stop being a movie snob and give some films a go even if they don't look awesome.

4. Stop feeling old.

5. Stop calling myself ugly.

6. Go to more gigs, concerts and if possible Download this year.