Steady as she goes.

It's been so long since I last blogged that the whole ruddy blog site has changed!

My new job is well underway.  I'm still criminally undertrained- literally lol. Badum tush.  There is much yet to learn, and I'm still overwhelmed by vast portions of the job.  However, I'm getting good feedback from my bosses so I mustn't be doing too badly.  I miss the banter within that family unit that I had with my old job.  I know this takes time to build, but I realise just how much that work family unit had been my distraction from all the other crappy stuff going on.  Now I don't have it, it highlights how lonely I feel.  Even when I'm surrounded by people.

My sleep is disrupted lately.  I know why.  Lack of direction mainly. 

I need to find a more permanent place to live.  I need to start listening to my head not my heart.

It's not all gloom.  I have some sculpting projects underway as well as some 2d artwork.  It'll focus my mind a little and the process of building, constructing and creating will be good for my soul at a time where a lot of things seem to be falling a part.

Hold it together.  Keep calm.  And carry on.

Pause.

Nearly three months since my last post. 

You could say I'm in limbo.  No real place to call home.  Still struggling to get clarity on what I want and what is right for me.  I miss my home immensely but I guess you can make anywhere a home.

Having said that, the last three months have brought about some further changes.  I managed to land myself a new job, which I've now been posted in for three weeks.  I'm exhausted from training course after training course... but ultimately, I think this will be a really challenging and interesting job that I can really develop into.  Plus, despite Teresa May's best efforts, my job "should" be secure for at least two years.  I think that's as secure as a job is going to get under this government. Score. What's not so good is the fact that moving away from some good friends at my old work location is making me feel even more isolated.  My friends provided me with the laughs, alcohol and chats that were keeping me going... and now I've moved away from them too.  I know my new team will fill that gap eventually, but that takes time, and right now, having something solid, continuous and stable was such a welcome thing. 

Because of my new job I've had to ditch my rail commuter pass, and get myself a car.  He's a matt black Fiat 500 called Franko, and he's awesome.  He has blue stripes and although he's not too fast, he turns heads and makes an impression.  I love seeing people walk passed him in the carpark and comment on how awesome his paint job is.  :-) He makes me smile. And I need that at the moment.
I have to say I am NOT liking driving to work.  I miss the train journey; the space to snooze, read, spy, people watch, listen to my mp3 player and lose myself for a while, absolve myself of the responsibility of transporting myself from one place to another... now I have to sit in the same position for 30 boring minutes, a slave to a set posture and a radio station.  It's restrictive.  However, I'm not unaware of the advantages- no waiting around, no 15 minute walk in the freezing rain before and after my journey, being able to wear heels to work! And of course, showing the world Franko.

My little neice is due in 9 days time.  Unfortunately seeing as she will be born and living in Japan, you could say my Auntie skills won't be particularly well utilised, but it's exciting nonetheless. 

I spent yesterday painting a friend's nursery wall which winded up looking pretty awesome... it was nice to be around paint again.  I have some creative projects on the horizon, which means I also need to get my shit together and sort out accomodation so that I can work on these projects effectively.  I have two cake toppers to do for August, and some band artwork to work on too so I'm really looking forward to "finding myself" again by immersing myself in creative practice again.

These things are good for me.  I need these things.  

Home.

Okay.

I need to get this out. It's not likely to make much sense... but here goes.

I am in the process of a huge change in my life, and I'm feeling the biggest sense of loss I've ever experienced.

My home, my surroundings are incredibly important to me. Wherever I live- I need to feel that my surroundings reflect my personality, I need to feel safe, comfortable and like I'm stepping inside myself when I'm home.

Four weeks ago, I moved back to my folks house. I'm sleeping on a sofa bed, in a cold back room which isn't even a bedroom, with about a tenth of my belongings and pretty much living out of a suitcase and temporary clothes rail. It's the home I was raised in, but after living by myself for the past eight years, it's hard to suddenly find myself away from all my belongings, my home, my pictures on the walls along with all the independence and privacy that comes from owning your own property. Within the space of four weeks, I feel an immense sense of loss that I might be walking away from not only my relationship, my best friend of eight years, but also my lifestyle, my home... and probably the only chance I have at actually owning my own place and having it exactly the way I want it.

I need home. I miss it so much. I put my all into making this house a home... and now I face the devastating realisation that I have to walk away from it all and it hurts so freakin' much.

I'm in limbo right now and it would appear this is how it could be for a while, whilst I work out my next few unsteady steps.

Crossroads...

... and I feel totally, utterly and completely lost.

Try Not to Worry.

Apparantly, this is a big year for me. No shit!

According to a colleague who loves her astrology, this year is one of big decisions and major changes. Apparantly. And apparantly this is all down to Saturn.

I think it's because I'm turning 29, am unhappy and need changes to try and get my head and my life in order.

It's scary, uncomfortable and I think this year in many ways is going to be intensley painful... but I'm trying to be positive and honest with myself as to what I need and want.

Trying not to worry is one of the hardest things for me. As a naturally anxious person, telling me not to wory is like telling me not to breathe. It happens. On it's own. I do worry... all the freakin' time! But I'm trying to let that go... that it's okay that I'm worried, but that I need to just trust that things are going to be okay in the end. I am not a weak person and I need to trust in that. I need to also stop worrying too much about being hurt, or hurting others. Those things hold you back... and I don't want to do that this year.

I have big things happening right now. I can feel it. Some bad, some good, but all experiences that I know I need to go through in order to sort my head and heart out. They may work, they may fail, but it's necessary. Today, despite the anxiety I feel, I looked out of the train window to the most intensely colourful and beautiful sky I have seen in ages. Despite all the impending stress and potential pain... I felt peaceful.

And when all is said and done... I can always blame Saturn if it all goes wrong.

2012

I had an odd Christmas this year- lovely but reflective.

I have some tough and huge decisions to make this year based on the below:

I want to really strive to be happier.

I want to make more time for creativity- sculpting, photography, embedding myself back into the cultural landscape by visiting people, places, art galleries, gigs.

I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time or my life this year- I want to make things count and make the most of the amazing friends and family I have.

Whilst I'm not the most confident person in the world, I'm confident in my values, my beliefs and opinions and what is important to me.

I need to try not to get bogged down with things- politics etc. I've had a very angry, stressful year and I need that to stop for my health and wellbeing.

I was given an awesome diary for christmas as a gift. It's called "2012 Masterplan for World Domination" and it gives me little tasks for each week, and certain days e.g Practice your evil laugh day! There's also a manifesto each month which I should seriously try and complete. I feel like it's really going to help me through a tumultuous year.

Deep breaths. It's all going to be okay.

OBJECT.

Lads Mag Rapist Study

Finally! People are starting to catch on to the already known correlation between sex offences crime and the accessibility of pornography- soft or otherwise.

Good study. Good article.

Dig.

My amazing Mum is back at work full time after her breast cancer operation. Just months after her diagnosis, a whirlwind has passed. I'm humbled by her bravery and strength through the trauma; at her determination to go back to work and retain that feeling of normality again we all crave now and then.

I am so proud of her.

I guess I'm feeling reflective. My weeks have become hectic, as they always do at this time of year. I'm battling the worlds most irritating cough after four weeks; I'm behind on a commission; work varies from crazy to slow but I've managed to get through the monotiny of the last few days with some serious pranks on the office down the corridoor.

I feel a need to rejuvinate. I'm hoping after Christmas things will feel clearer. I'm bogged down with alot of thoughts that perhaps I don't feel truly myself at the moment, and the feeling that I don't have enough time to do things. I feel like time's slipped away from me somehow and I want to pull back all the things that I hold dear- my friends and family, my creativity.

There's some big issues I need to address next year and I have to make a promise to myself not to bury them any longer.

Grey.

URGH.

It's over. An absolutely crap week at work has left me feeling anxious and migraine-y and looking like I haven't eaten for three weeks. Lots went wrong, I made a mistake, I stumbled across about 30 mistakes colleague has made which I've had to attampt to rectify, figures, paper, staffing levels, strikes, my cough isn't getting better either. ... you name it- if it was stress inducing-it happened this week. I am so tired.

I feel like seven shades of grey.

But... it's the weekend... and having done 99% of my christmas shopping I want to spend this weekend quietly sculpting and listening to music. I need to. I need to relax and unwind and make myself feel like a person again because this week has sapped pretty much all my strength.

First christmas in the new place coming up so I'm feeling quite keen to get the decs up soon this weekend if I get the chance.

London Weekend.

Last Friday evening N and I drove down to London to see Ktp and her fiance Adam. My throat was still sore and I was feeling pretty rough from this nasty cough and cold I can't seem to shake- but still, we travelled down dressed to the nines in our rock gear for our first night out in Camden.

After a quick tour round chez P, we head out to Sin City where, judging by the hilarious photo's, a good night out was had by all. I miss rock nights. The following day we strolled, some of us nursing pretty hefty hangovers and gippy tummy's headed out to Kings Cross. We stopped by Platform 9 3/4's on the way for a quick photo, and then enjoyed a fairy-lit stroll through Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland. It felt so christmassy despite how busy it was and the mild evening weather. We'd planned to spend the evening at Drink, Make and Do which is a bar/cafe where you can do crafty activities. The planned activity was a Micheal Jackson theme Clay night... but unfortunately we hadn't been told that we had to book so we were unable to stay for anything more than a tasty hot choc and cocktail. Plan B was initiated, which was three pizza's and some chillaxing back at chez P's watching Flight of The Conchords. Think we all needed the rest after the previous night.

Sunday morning was spent having a look see round the mahoosive RAF museum not far from Ktp's house. Plane's aren't my thing, but it was good to walk round and feel so small amongst the huge machines. We couldn't get round all of the hangers because of the sheer size and having to drive back home but it was a nice relaxing way to while away a few hours.

All in all, a fab weekend... I'm left feeling like I miss my friends, I miss rock night's and need to make a much bigger effort to actually ENJOY my weekends and make the most of them. Hopefully we can return the favour to the P's to be, in the new year with an equally awesome eddies night.

On a Lighter/Heavier Note...

The third headliner for Download 2012 has been announced today.

I'm relieved because so far the first two have done absolutely nothing for me.

Metallica. Meh. Maybe good to watch and add to the Gig-CV but other than that I'm not a huge fan.

Black Sabbath. Nah. Influential maybe but they're far too old and uninteresting for me.

But finally... a ray of hope...

The Prodigy. HOO-BLOODY-RAH. They pack a punch. A heavy, beat ridden, bass-ey punch. I am imagining watching them in the dark, high up on the hill looking down at the stage all lit up, closing my eyes and losing myself in the beats- just as I feel when I'm dancing in a nightclub. I don't like a lot of what they do... but the ones I like... I love.

I've been thinking lately about what makes me like a certain song or type of music. I do love the Prodge, Nine Inch Nails, Puscifer- all bands relying on strong electronic beats and rhythms. It's wierd how you never really know WHY you're attracted to a style of music; why does a certain chord change just seem perfect? Why do I happen to like big, meaty, bass-ey sounds and good strong beats? There's a song by Puscifer which I have listened to daily for the last week and a half, called Horizons and it is just perfect. I am in love with it. Every chord change, the voice, the beat, the pace... it's dreamlike and beautiful. It makes me want to close my eyes. It makes me see imagery and gives me energy.

I guess it'll always be a mystery as to why... and maybe that's partly why I'm so intrigued by the whole process.

From the Cutting Room Floor.

I think for the first time today, the subject of self harm has been widely reported on the news.

Self Harm Article - BBC news.

This all follows from an Australian study stating that 1 in 12 young adults self harm.

I actually disagree with some of the study and think the parts on suicide are misleading. I'm not saying that there isn't a link, but it's more accurate to say that it may be a common denominator- just like depression is linked to suicide but doesn't necessarily mean that it will lead to it. The facts are that both self harm and suicide are linked to depression and this is where the focus should remain. Mental health issues and treatments are vastly under funded in this country.

This topic is close to my heart. I self harmed between the age of 20-25. There were signs when I was a lot younger but I only self harmed heavily when I was at University.

I don't think it was a distraction from suicide but it's true that I was extremely anxious and trying to fight anxiety and depression at the time. All the above are shrouded with misunderstanding and prejudice so as a sufferer you also have to battle the judgments, guilt and social implications that come with it. I was on medication, struggling with appreciating my body, my skills, with relationships and generally not feeling good enough.

I no longer self harm. I no longer feel as I did then... but it's true that at times of great stress and anguish I feel the familiar urge. I know better now. And I also don't want any more scars. I took out my frustrations, confusions and anguish on a body that I hated; on skin that I had never felt comfortable in.

I used to cut. With an Xacto blade. Always on my upper legs because they would always be hidden. I had stitches just once; when I cut too far. You always know when you have- you see white fat beneath the skin. It shocked and scared me but even after this, cutting always helped to ground me; often after cutting I would stop crying and fall asleep. Always temporary- but it's what I needed at the time to help me cope with how I felt. It all seems to far away now.

I went on to use my experience to support others by becoming a support specialist for mental health issues and self harm addictions on a womens health web forum for about 5 years. It's something I miss... but working full time meant I couldn't devote the mental energy needed to listen to other peoples pains and struggles.

I can't escape the scars. They're a part of me and a part of my history, and it's this part that really wants to study Art Therapy, the only combination of two things I really really care about.

Gigs and bits.

Another brilliant gig last Monday- Rise Against.

After having to join a MONSTER queue, we were plucked out by an O2 Angel who after a swift look at our phones, took us to the priority customer queue and we walked straight in! So there IS an advantage to being an o2 customer after 10 years!

The crowd wasn't quite as friendly as the Incubus crowd, but I expected from two very different bands. I did feel a bit old, and quickly realised that I was going to be much more comfortable watching this particular gig from a distance but all in all they lived up to my expectations. They even played Audience of One which is one of my favorites.

Tom Morrello was supporting and proved to be a fantastic warm up act. Great frontman- though I wasn't sure about all his music. Listenable but not as angsty as I thought it might be- particularly for the political-slant he seemed to take. I loved that he came on stage in his Guy-Fawkes-Occupy mask and tried to get the kids to consider politics, socialism and the Occupy movement. Awesome work Mr Morrello. Two thumbs up.

Suprisingly I think I enjoyed Incubus slightly more- and not just because of the incredibly, hot, sultry, half-naked man on the stage, but because I could connect more with the music, knew more words to sing along and wasn't distracted by having to protect my feet and arms from bruising and tissue damage.

I'm already on the look at for other gigs in December but haven't seen any that take my fancy yet. The Download 2012 headliners are being announced slowly but surely over the next few weeks- Metallica headlining, which I guessed months ago. I'm not suprised if it's going to have a very retro vibe with it being the 10th anniversary so I may be giving it a miss next year. There'd have to be some pretty amazing names up there like NIN or A Perfect Circle to get me to go. We'll see... but I'm not exactly going to be rushing out to get tickets yet.

I'm 80% done with Christmas shopping which isn't bad for mid November. Still a number of things to get, and relatively on budget so all going well there.

Quiet(ish) weekend ahead... a cosy night in with some good TV including Derren Brown.

Only you can bring the colour in...

Last night I went to see Incubus for the second time. The last time I saw them was lightyears ago (when I was still a student) and they were but tiny dots on a stage which felt like a mile away (thank you NIA seat allocation system). However, this time, at the Wolverhampton Civic, it was a far more intimate affair. Mmmm intimate affair with Brandon Boyd...

... Yeah the gig was awesome. Aside from the intense heat, something which I recalled as soon as I entered the building from my 15 year old self getting crushed amongst sweaty bodies at a Muse gig, it was a perfect gig with a perfect setlist. Brandon, despite some recent trampy photos, looked every bit the god-like genius that he is and after teasing the crowd for an hour and a half finally succumbed to the heat and removed his shirt. Happy happy times.

I have another gig Monday which I can abso-bloomin-lutely not wait for: RISE AGAINST. I canNOT wait. What's more... I booked today, Monday and Tuesday off work so that work doesn't detract from the awesome-ness of these two gigs.

My current commuter journey is being enriched by the beautiful new Puscifer album- Conditions of My Parole, which just sounds incredible. It's arrival on my walkman has been perfectly timed with the evenings drawing in. I'm getting lost in the album every night on the way home from work- it's dark, moodiness echoed in the light falling throughout my hour journey home. I leave work in full light, and get home in relative dark, car headlights bouncing off the pavements and twinkling in a silent stream as Puscifer reverberates round my skull.

I am loving it.

Occupy.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-15524483

I'm not religious. In fact I probably border on anti-religious, however, I've always maintained a degree of respect for the Church of England largely staying out of my way, being ever so slightly less judgmental and more open than their Catholic counterparts. However, I've been disappointed with their handling of the protesters who've taken up camp outside St Pauls Cathedral in London.

This Church, a select few might say, the backbone of English soceity, a fore bearer of witholding old traditions of family and communities has shunned the principles of the protesters. The Cathedral's handling of this has been dire to say the least. There was no need to close the Cathedral, and due to the Cathedral's objections the Protesters now face eviction. I'm appalled that, in 2011, peaceful protestors are being prevented from stating their views- no huge suprise under a Tory government, you might say, but if anyone should be backing these protestors rights to expression, and their sentiment, the Church of England should be. I would have thought, unlike the corrupt, controlling Catholic church, that the Church of England would have stood by these protestors and agreed with their cause of anti-greed. What's up chaps? Afraid of pissing off your Tory regulars?

The Church of England, and St Pauls' should be ashamed of itself.

Good on Dr Giles Fraser, the Canon Chancellor, who has resigned though and stuck to his principles.

Jersey and other things.

I just got back from a much needed break in Jersey for the weekend. It was beautiful. A bit cold and windy, but generally beautifully bright and crisp. It's a gorgeous place, lots of fusions of cultures and influences.

I took less photographs than I intended to, mainly because it was so windy and cold, but I'm pleased with the few I took. I miss photographs. I miss the thick heavy gloss paper and the smell of them straight from the developers. I know there's still no reason why I can't still pay to get them developed and put in albums... and I still do sometimes, but generally it's a shared online album- a poor subsititute despite it's far reaching range, appearing on friends computer screens the world over in a matter of minutes.

Still. I have them. And I want to start getting them published into proper photo books rather than sitting on a disk unseen. Another project for next year when I have a bit of money to spare. IF. I guess it's always IF.

I feel a bit out of sorts today. I'm in between coats of paint on the lounge chimney and so, decided to upload my Jersey photographs from my camera. I tagged an extra days holiday onto my weekdn since I was feeling so ground down at work before I left on Thursday. I feel better for going away. I always intend to chill out on my days off- but I have to do something or I get bored or worse, get bugged by this sense that I'm wasting time when there's so much else I should be doing be it round the house or garden or whatever chores need doing. I think it's the one thing about having a house I dislike the most- that vague, perfectionists-nightmare sense that there will ALWAYS be things to complete around the house... a never ending list of work to do. I also took delivery of three prints for the house yesterday so I'm chuffed to bits with those and can't wait to start hanging them... except I keep changing my mind about where they're going to go.

Lots coming up in the next month or so... couple of gigs, few friend visitis etc. I'm well aware that Christmas is sneaking up too. I look forward to the business of this time of year... I hate the dark mornings and evenings, but it's worth it for the crisp, cold, sunny days under layers of warm clothes, gloves and scarves.

Perspective.

Wierd day.

One of our Officers was killed in a road traffic accident off duty last night. Very sad to see the loss of such a good, well rounded, honest Officer who did his job exactly as an Officer should. Tragic.

I'm still not feeling well so I've had to book to see my doctor next week. It didn't stop me coming home and eating the remnants of a failed cheesecake attempt at the weekend. It's basically a bowl of whipped cream and melted white chocolate, which I scraped onto digestive biscuits in big, fat wodges. Just as good as a cheesecake.

Sickness and dog parts.

I have a five day weekend starting today.

I don't feel well. Whatever I have, I've had it on and off for a week now. Bouts of fainting, upset stomach, cramps and just generally not feeling 100%.

Still, I've taken some time today to do a bit of sculpting. I'm working on a new niche which there seems to be a demand for. Albeit for me to judge what people want sculptures of. I'm working on sculpting two dachshunds for a client. I've struggled a bit since it's my first attempt at sculpting dogs from photo's. It's harder than sculpting likenesses of people, because it's slightly harder to pick up on features, plus the photo's I've been given to work from aren't great either. I'm doing my best though. I have a feeling this client is going to be hard to please as he's a bit of a dachshund fanatic... and I'm not exaggerating when I say fanantic either. I think a whole floor to ceiling office wall of dachshund photo's is enough to warrant good use of the word fanatic. At the price I'm doing it for- it'll be a matter of getting what you're given I'm afraid.

I've set myself up in my kitchen with my Sonos, laptop (screen full of dachsunds), my sculpting tools and clay. It's dark and chucking it down with rain outside. Under these LED spotlights catching flecks of rain water on the windows as it beats against the glass, I'm listening to Bon Iver and feeling reflective. I think it's because I'm not feeling well but I'm feeling a bit teary. It's probably because the night's are drawing in now and my body's noticing the lack of light hours.

Better get back to sculpting dog bits.

Tory Bullshit Pt 2.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-15171917

It spoke today.

The person responsible for the worst employment figures for many years; the person happy to write off generations into poverty and a lifetime of financial misery; the person whose methods and reasoning for the destruction of the country's public sector have consistently failed and been revealed as completely misguided; the person happy to make cuts to peoples incomes without thought, care or consideration; the person responsible for destroying the police service; the person who created the perfect boiling pot for riots, anger and misery has come out from his gold encrusted hole today to tell us all to buck our ideas up and not be gloomy or afraid.

David, your plan is wrong and it is failing.

The whole country is gloomy and the whole country is afraid of losing their jobs. Unless you're an MP or a banker of course.

This idiot's idea of good leadership is to fail at every step of the way of your so called plan, and to smile at the poor people losing their jobs while telling them to be optimistic.

Apparantly part of his planned speech was encouraging us to pay off our debts. Economists, and just about the rest of the country with half a brain, were quick to point out that a degree of debt is healthy and vital part of the economy as banks make alot of interest on this, and it would also mean a dip in consumer spending. Idiot. How about this- leave to your means. That includes you MP's not raping the taxpayer of their hard earned cash to decorate your second mansions.

Legalising gay marriage though? This will never happen under a Tory government full of homophobic old toffs. Unfortunately, this is a lame attempt, just like "increasing the speed limit to 80mph on motorways" is an empty, pathetic attempt at cheering up a discontent, unhappy country. You're not kidding anyone- you're not a people party.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-15171917

To coincide perfectly. If I have a job in a few months time it looks like within 18 months it will be privatised. This, against the interests of the community and the force, will mean that the Police Force will no longer employ non-operational staff. These are sad, depressing and frightening times for all- as it is just impossible for this to NOT have a detremental effect on Policing.

If I could leave this country tomorrow- I would.

Tory Bullshit?

Interesting article circulating at work today:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/oct/01/police-pay-review-chief-report?newsfeed=true

Potentially very explosive if this is proven to be true... and further hard fast evidence that these cuts are rushed, senseless and completely without any foundation. How an attack on such an institution is being ignored by the public majority I don't know.

Breathe.

I felt amazing on the way home today.

It was sunny and warm. I sat on the edge of a raised flower bed (my usual spot) with my legs stretched out in front of me, waiting for my train at the station. I was listening to some amazingly cheesy 80's rock on my walkman. On the train, passed open fields, listening to Arcade Fire and I felt so uplifted. You would NOT have believed it was the end of September. Such a beautiful day... I felt so uplifted. I had thoughts of cruising in an open top car, my arms stretched upwards, singing to the songs I was listening to... free and happy.

I know I'm a long long way from that little vision... but it was a moment worth savoring and sharing.

Wanting.

I'm having another "want" phase. Consumerist greed and shallow hearted wanting of "stuff".

It shamelessly, selfishly and pathetically manifests itself in me every now and then and I just want want want. Funnily enough it usually coincides with me feeling anxious, insecure or poor.

I have found my perfect wallpaper. But it is horrifically expensive. But it is perfect. But it's more than I would ever ever EVER have considered paying for wallpaper before I had a house. But it is perfect. It's like my soul on wallpaper. I want it.

I had this great idea for displaying my favorite LP's around the house which I have steadily been gathering over the last month. Yet I've stumbled on an issue with the actual frames... that issue being that to frame all the buggers it's going to cost me £250. But they will look awesome. I want them.

I have also found some perfect prints and artwork that I need to have on my walls. Rather than have inane, pointless artwork from IKEA I wanted my walls decorated with things that mean stuff to me. I want artwork that I love around me. Things like this are so important to me. To fund this sort of important love though... will cost me in the region of a further £300.

I bought new jeans today because they made my bum look good.

I also want new shoes. But then I always kinda want new shoes.

I've also been planning landscaping the courtyard patio area, despite knowing I will never in a million years be able to afford this. Not ever. But I want a Ships Wheel for it nonetheless.

I'm off to try and paint my kitchen and hope that the fumes will kill off this greed.

Sugaaaarrrr!

So I'm feeling better... I've been feeling better since Mum got released from hospital. She's doing okay but getting her to rest is probably going to prove harder than I thought.

I can finally sleep now. And I don't feel so tense all the time. My appetite is back too... with avengence. I completely overdosed on sugar at work yesterday and today suffered the sugar come-down with full on headache to boot.

Nothing that a faithful Annadin Extra couldn't sort out but still... I should probably ease off the sugar a bit.

My records are arriving steadily. I've been buying some classic LP's to display on walls round the house. I've been picking ones that mean something to me... but keeping it down to a few is hard, since so many have had a big impact on my life. I like the choices I've made. I need a couple more... and I've also got my eye on some awesome prints which I cannot WAIT to get my hands on. That little bit of overtime I did when the riots were on may well come in very handy.

:-)

Rage against the Machine.

I could scream. Or cry. Usually in my case- anger takes over to stop the tears.

I am sick and tired of being told I'm over sensitive and irrational and bossy and bitchy and "opinionated" (isn't everyone!?).

My Mum is in hospital for cancer.

There are people at work I have known for a matter of months, people in other parts of the country who have shown more concern, more care and understanding towards me than someone who claims to know me inside out.

To you I say this:

There are times I hate you. There are times I feel you hate me. There are times that I feel I am just so sick and tired of your face, your baggage, your gloomy outlook on life, your lack of any sort of emotion, your lack of any care for anything non-tangiable, your absolute lack of lust and love for the biology of things, the organic nature of things, anything remotely ethereal, anything other than solidity, greyness and blankness.

You are like a heavy weight. Bearing down. Holding me down, telling me that everything that makes me feel like a real person is somehow exagerrated, wrong, erratic... this is just what it is like to think and feel like a normal, social, person who likes to chat, be silly and love things. You have only one passion- which is all you can now communicate. Anything else beyond that is deemed as irrelevent, too much effort, and merely an interference to this rigid, grey, bleak, life you've carved for yourself.

ANY time I ask for more now, it's too much. I'm overbearing, hyper-sensitive. I'm always to blame. And actually, actually, no. It's not that at all. We just exist on completely different planes. Such that I don't really know you... I most certainly don't like you anymore. How could I like such an un-caring, soul destroying, misery?

I'm going to re-claim what you try and take away from me on a daily basis as my own.

I can no longer tell who I am because you've tried constantly to shape me into something I'm not- the common denominator in anything that goes wrong because other than your work you fail at life, at recognising and enjoying what actually matters.

And I am fucking sick of it.

Support.

Apparantly I ask for too much.

All the time.