It's a busy time of year. I am, however, smugly able to say that I have completed all my christmas shopping and about two thirds of it is wrapped and ready to roll!
It'll be a wierd christmas for me this year; no tree or home of my own to decorate for christmas. I am once again in charge of decorating the Christmas table at my families home which I have started to gather bits for. The christmas period itself will be nice, with my brother, sister-in-law and my little neice coming back to the UK for the first time in years. It'll be the first time I've met my neice and the first time the whole family will be under one roof.
I will be keeping myself pre-occupied and busy in the run up to christmas to avoid feeling glum about not being in my own home anymore and being out of a relationship. I have a couple of christmas do's and birthday parties to attend, so my weekends are fully booked. It should help to keep my mind off things, though my bank balance is bound to take a bit of a hammering!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sleep.
I feel tired today.
Sleep.
People take it for granted but to me it is one of the most precious things on this planet.
I have always had a very tumultuous relationship with sleep. Even when I was small, I struggled to sleep well. Night times had the prepensity to bring a mixture of nightmares or just hours of my imagination roaming in the darkness. Nightmares as a child, or the inability to switch off my active mind left me with general irregular sleeping patterns. I became fussy, requiring optimum conditions of temperature, light, quietness in order to actually settle enough to fall asleep.
As I entered secondary school, came the anxiety of not getting enough sleep to concentrate on my lessons the following day and so the fear of not sleeping became the problem itself as it fuelled my difficult sleeping patterns. It was at secondary school I experienced my first bout of depression and anxiety which obviously meant inability to sleep as well as general lethargia and a fatigue that I just could not quench.
Through college and university, the trials of growing up, studies, relationships weighed on my mind at night coupled with the student lifestyle and diet of countless nights out, alcohol and takeaways. My mental health issues of my teens were also never far away impacting my sleep patterns further. It was just after graduating university however that I experienced my first proper taste of night terrors.
The Terrors consisted of periods of paralysis where I felt fully conscious, able to see my surroundings and move my eyes but unable to move the rest of my body. I could sometimes hear voices shouting at me above my head, or hear screaming but I was unable to move or roll over to "wake" out of it. During these moments, I was unsure of where reality ended and a dream state began. Although I could see, and the room around me was visible, there were also times where there appeared to be a screen lifted from my sight, as if my eyes were opening. It's difficult to describe just how frightening these times were.
Following the terrors, was my first episode of Insomnia.
It wasn't just little sleep or disturbed sleep or patchy sleep. It was no sleep. It lasted three weeks. In that time I tried over-the-counter remedies which did nothing. I finally went to the doctors and was given temazepam.
This was my saviour at a time of exhaustion and desperation. Although there is no physical pain to Insomnia, it's a gradual, slow erosion of you from the inside. You have no energy. Mornings I would be in tears, just knowing I'd clocked another 8 hours of full consciousness. I was tired, miserable, and I feared my depression was literally looming round every corner. I felt like a shadow of myself and on the verge of a breakdown. Temazepam literally saved me from this by providing me my first night of actual sleep in weeks. I can not describe how this felt. Literally can not put it into words.
I'm glad to say that I've not experienced that level of Insomnia again. I still have difficulty sleeping. Anything that stops me sleeping now feels like a personal attack. Noise, lights, ticking clocks and snoring all become my enemy depriving me of this precious resource, like oxygen. If you're lucky enough to be able to sleep well, or one of these wierdo's who doesn't even have to think about falling a sleep- I hope you realise you have an invaluable commodity. Since sleep deprivation is used as a weapon; a recognised torture method I also hope you think twice if you snore. Persistent snoring should be punishable by death as far as I'm concerned.
Sleep tight.
Sleep.
People take it for granted but to me it is one of the most precious things on this planet.
I have always had a very tumultuous relationship with sleep. Even when I was small, I struggled to sleep well. Night times had the prepensity to bring a mixture of nightmares or just hours of my imagination roaming in the darkness. Nightmares as a child, or the inability to switch off my active mind left me with general irregular sleeping patterns. I became fussy, requiring optimum conditions of temperature, light, quietness in order to actually settle enough to fall asleep.
As I entered secondary school, came the anxiety of not getting enough sleep to concentrate on my lessons the following day and so the fear of not sleeping became the problem itself as it fuelled my difficult sleeping patterns. It was at secondary school I experienced my first bout of depression and anxiety which obviously meant inability to sleep as well as general lethargia and a fatigue that I just could not quench.
Through college and university, the trials of growing up, studies, relationships weighed on my mind at night coupled with the student lifestyle and diet of countless nights out, alcohol and takeaways. My mental health issues of my teens were also never far away impacting my sleep patterns further. It was just after graduating university however that I experienced my first proper taste of night terrors.
The Terrors consisted of periods of paralysis where I felt fully conscious, able to see my surroundings and move my eyes but unable to move the rest of my body. I could sometimes hear voices shouting at me above my head, or hear screaming but I was unable to move or roll over to "wake" out of it. During these moments, I was unsure of where reality ended and a dream state began. Although I could see, and the room around me was visible, there were also times where there appeared to be a screen lifted from my sight, as if my eyes were opening. It's difficult to describe just how frightening these times were.
Following the terrors, was my first episode of Insomnia.
It wasn't just little sleep or disturbed sleep or patchy sleep. It was no sleep. It lasted three weeks. In that time I tried over-the-counter remedies which did nothing. I finally went to the doctors and was given temazepam.
This was my saviour at a time of exhaustion and desperation. Although there is no physical pain to Insomnia, it's a gradual, slow erosion of you from the inside. You have no energy. Mornings I would be in tears, just knowing I'd clocked another 8 hours of full consciousness. I was tired, miserable, and I feared my depression was literally looming round every corner. I felt like a shadow of myself and on the verge of a breakdown. Temazepam literally saved me from this by providing me my first night of actual sleep in weeks. I can not describe how this felt. Literally can not put it into words.
I'm glad to say that I've not experienced that level of Insomnia again. I still have difficulty sleeping. Anything that stops me sleeping now feels like a personal attack. Noise, lights, ticking clocks and snoring all become my enemy depriving me of this precious resource, like oxygen. If you're lucky enough to be able to sleep well, or one of these wierdo's who doesn't even have to think about falling a sleep- I hope you realise you have an invaluable commodity. Since sleep deprivation is used as a weapon; a recognised torture method I also hope you think twice if you snore. Persistent snoring should be punishable by death as far as I'm concerned.
Sleep tight.
Saturday, October 06, 2012
The Irony of a Moral-less Pope.
Right, while I'm in full flow... I might as well comment on THIS infuriating saga too.
The Pope's butler has been jailed for 3 years, reduced to 18 months due to a prior clean record. This is for theft of documents.
Righto, up next then, prosecution of the catholic church for harboring paedophiles, covering up abuse, perverting the course of justice, interfering with witnesses, years of systemic and horrific child abuse...? No??
Fucked up doesn't even come close.
I think this says it all... Thank you Tim.
And the rage continues...
I've lived through a conservative government before but I was a child and therefore politics had very little obvious impact on my life, or any that I would be able to understand or acknowledge. However, now, as a voting adult- this is the first time I've had to endure such elitist, damaging, incompetent bile as is the Tory agenda.
This government and their politics prove on a daily basis that they are the very antithesis of everything I believe and stand for. Just when I think they can't possibly rile me anymore, this happens:
This government and their politics prove on a daily basis that they are the very antithesis of everything I believe and stand for. Just when I think they can't possibly rile me anymore, this happens:
Now, firstly, this man is our health secretary. This is a man who believes in homeopathy and tried to ban Danny Boyle from his NHS tribute at the Olympic opening ceremony, presumably because he didn't want the Plebs and peasants realising how valuable it was before he starts privatising it all.
This utter knob is now wading into a debate into abortion. Hmm, yes, lets have a Conservative MALE make decisions about womens rights and womens bodies, based on very very little scientific argument at all to boot.
The womens secretary is laughable too- or it would be, if the absolute horror of the situation wasn't apparant: Maria Miller- A "Modern Feminist". Er, no. Simply put- Fucking hell no.
This government is going to fail just about every single faction of soceity not born into huge inheritances or isn't a multi-billion-tax-avoiding corporation. It's time to stop whining about who started this and stop falling back on labour bashing because you can't accept YOUR governments failures. These hateful, frankly useless, elitist idiots who have no respect for the hard working members of soceity who put them all to shame, NEED. TO. GO.
Failing on EVERY single level of their shoddy plans at making cuts and rebuilding the country.
Failing to reduce public sector spending.
Destroying our public services.
Degrading, privatising, publicly disrespecting and dissolving the Police service.
Making vast quantities of people redundant, unemployment sky high.
Removal of key benefits and a failure to get a grasp on a decent benefits system for people who actually deserve it.
Not addressing tax avoidance by huge companies and corporations including banks.
Reducing services, with little payback for those of us paying for it.
No growth.
No help for small business and start ups.
Women paying the largest prices in terms of unemployment and benefits cuts.
Failed, corrupt rail bids on important services- costing the tax payer 40bn.
.... the failures are absolutely endless.
It's not good for my health, my blood pressure or my stress levels. I've been angry pretty much throughout their victorian-esque rule and I'm sick of it. They're plan hasn't even worked - all fears and concerns are realised DAILY. Unless of course, their plan is to segregate soceity and widen the gap between rich and poor- that they have fulfilled wonderfully. Worse yet, the full extent of damage from their incompetence won't be seen for another 3-5 years and it frankly scares me.
And now they're launching an attack on something else that's very important to me- Womens rights. Deep breaths... count to ten... it'll all be over soon.
PC Plebs
Some of my colleagues protesting against shamed Sutton Coldfield Tory knobhead Andrew Mitchell after his "Fucking Pleb" rant at an officer outside Downing St a few weeks ago -
Thursday, October 04, 2012
Eight Legged Freaks.
After a couple of weeks fighting the good fight and having to rid the house of these vile, evil beasts; imagine my utter horror happening upon the following article:
This article goes on to explain how ten zoos around the country have been breeding this uber spider and are about to set about releasing them into the wild. This actually means, they've been breeding billions and billions of a massive super spider which they're now about to release into peoples homes. We all know that these things are clever; evil-clever. They've managed to get themselves bred with the advantages and safety of scientific-human help and now they're being released into people's houses- because we all know they rarely live outside where they could catch a hell of a lot MORE of the food they ALLEDGEDLY eat: flies; A long held argument for their existence which is, of course, crap. They would have no need to live inside houses if they ate flies. There's a FAR greater chance of catching flies OUTSIDE- where all the flies are. Needless to say, the great big bastards that stalk people's homes don't have 'catchy' webs for flies, they just leave trigger trails to pounce on and eat, what I can only assume, are other spiders or people.
I have found a number of spiders in my close proximity in the last few weeks. My knowledge of these things has grown over many years of observation and brain storming (see Spider Theory) and as such I knew the first few I saw last week were just the small ones; The scouts. The ones that stake out the territory before the big ones come in. I was right.
There it was in the bath.
There it was in the bath.
I tried to drown it. But it formed an umbrella with it's legs, an air pocket, so it couldn't drown. This intelligence fills me with dread. They know stuff. They think. You can see them thinking. I therefore had to resort tothe rather uncomfortable, but necessary, scorchingto death of turning on the hot tap. I don't care what anyone says- they're evil. It does NOT need to be in the house. If they wish to come up with an agreement by which they stay the fuck away from me, I will happily share the earth with them. But if they INSIST on invading my house, trying to crawl on me, or touch me in any way shape or form, or threaten to, they will die. Until of course they overpower us.
Not entirely sure how I'm going to sleep tonight knowing that some IDIOTS have been releasing these 8cm leg span spiders with the ability to glide over water... but still, I have a whole day off work tomorrow to enjoy so sleep I must.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
P@ssw0rd5 R@nT
If I have to remember another password I actually think I'll suffer some sort of hemorrhage. And all that will come out will be random numbers and letters.
I now have passwords to just about every area of my life now- business, pleasure, ANYTHING.
Bank - MY money!
Phone accounts
Facebook - friends
Twitter
itunes- music
Shopping accounts online
My website! My art is passworded?!?
Work - getting on for about 26 systems, door codes or passworded accounts now.
Next my friends are going to be passworded.
IMPORTANT information is being lost out of my brain on a DAILY basis by having to remember all these ridiculous passwords.
They're not even words anymore either- they have to have numbers in awkward places or they can't actually be an english word at all!!!! And THEN. THEN you have to re-bloody-create them after 30 days!!!!! I have to write them down. But you forget where you wrote them, or forget to update them when you ultimately have to reset your password that one time you lose your list of passwords. I even have a remember password thing on my computer, but I sometimes forget the password for that... YES, you read that right, I have a PASSWORDED password rememberer service. Oh. My. God. It's like one of the circles of hell.
It's becoming impossible. One day I swear I'll forget my own name and instead have to replace it with a highly secure password made up of between 8 and 10 alphanumerical chraracters ensuring at least 3 numbers equidistant from the start and end of the chosen strand, replaced every thirty days with a password NOT previously used in the past five months!!
If I ever become a multi millionaire I will employ someone full time to remember ALL my passwords.
Rant over.
I now have passwords to just about every area of my life now- business, pleasure, ANYTHING.
Bank - MY money!
Phone accounts
Facebook - friends
itunes- music
Shopping accounts online
My website! My art is passworded?!?
Work - getting on for about 26 systems, door codes or passworded accounts now.
Next my friends are going to be passworded.
IMPORTANT information is being lost out of my brain on a DAILY basis by having to remember all these ridiculous passwords.
They're not even words anymore either- they have to have numbers in awkward places or they can't actually be an english word at all!!!! And THEN. THEN you have to re-bloody-create them after 30 days!!!!! I have to write them down. But you forget where you wrote them, or forget to update them when you ultimately have to reset your password that one time you lose your list of passwords. I even have a remember password thing on my computer, but I sometimes forget the password for that... YES, you read that right, I have a PASSWORDED password rememberer service. Oh. My. God. It's like one of the circles of hell.
It's becoming impossible. One day I swear I'll forget my own name and instead have to replace it with a highly secure password made up of between 8 and 10 alphanumerical chraracters ensuring at least 3 numbers equidistant from the start and end of the chosen strand, replaced every thirty days with a password NOT previously used in the past five months!!
If I ever become a multi millionaire I will employ someone full time to remember ALL my passwords.
Rant over.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
PUNK-ture!
Franko had a puncture on Friday. It was a slow puncture and after having to call out the AA to fit the teeeeeney spare wheel I didn't even know I had- it became clear just what had caused it; a great big nail in Frankos tyre. Poor little Franko looked terribly pathetic with his tiny little spare wheel. It reminded me of Nemo's lucky fin.
Having no car, and being on a training course in Birmingham this week meant resorting to my old mode of commuting- Train! I've missed the train. I miss being able to read, people watch and listen to my own little soundtrack. I even miss my walks to and from the station even though I haven't missed the soaking wet clothes from walking in the rain. Having said that, I've also had to get a bus the last two days and I have to say it's one of the most DIRE experiences now, getting a bus. FULL of smelly, wierdo's and irritating children. The seats are dirty and damp, and there's ALWAYS an obligatory empty bottle or drinks can rolling around on the floor up and down the bus which no one wants to touch in case they get infected with disease. VILE.
After waiting for three days to get his special size tyre delivered (at a cost of £100!?!) I've finally got him back on the road. I bought him a lovely new cherry air freshener, a boot bag, and a nice car cover for the winter to protect him from the frost and snow, all for being good at the garage while he got fixed. :)
Welcome back Franko!!!
Having no car, and being on a training course in Birmingham this week meant resorting to my old mode of commuting- Train! I've missed the train. I miss being able to read, people watch and listen to my own little soundtrack. I even miss my walks to and from the station even though I haven't missed the soaking wet clothes from walking in the rain. Having said that, I've also had to get a bus the last two days and I have to say it's one of the most DIRE experiences now, getting a bus. FULL of smelly, wierdo's and irritating children. The seats are dirty and damp, and there's ALWAYS an obligatory empty bottle or drinks can rolling around on the floor up and down the bus which no one wants to touch in case they get infected with disease. VILE.
After waiting for three days to get his special size tyre delivered (at a cost of £100!?!) I've finally got him back on the road. I bought him a lovely new cherry air freshener, a boot bag, and a nice car cover for the winter to protect him from the frost and snow, all for being good at the garage while he got fixed. :)
Welcome back Franko!!!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Oscar.
A few weeks ago, our family cat Oscar died.
Although he'd reached an age of about 13-16 years old (being a rescue cat we were always uncertain of his exact age), he seemed young at heart and in spirit. Within the space of a short week his health deteriorated and my sister, V and I had to take the decision to have him put to sleep. He was in pain and had been struggling to breathe properly for a few days and the two of us took the vets advice and had him put down. We travelled to the vets and I held him and said my goodbyes whie the vet delivered his injenction.
I still miss him. The house feels incomplete, and our remaining cat Pheobe is still a very much lost without him. She's become very needy and clingy since Oscar died, which could be a sign of stress or maybe even grief.
V and I have decided to purchase a small engraved stone for the back garden. Oscar loved sitting in the shade on a nice sunny day.
Although he'd reached an age of about 13-16 years old (being a rescue cat we were always uncertain of his exact age), he seemed young at heart and in spirit. Within the space of a short week his health deteriorated and my sister, V and I had to take the decision to have him put to sleep. He was in pain and had been struggling to breathe properly for a few days and the two of us took the vets advice and had him put down. We travelled to the vets and I held him and said my goodbyes whie the vet delivered his injenction.
I still miss him. The house feels incomplete, and our remaining cat Pheobe is still a very much lost without him. She's become very needy and clingy since Oscar died, which could be a sign of stress or maybe even grief.
V and I have decided to purchase a small engraved stone for the back garden. Oscar loved sitting in the shade on a nice sunny day.
We miss you.
xx
...then two come along at once.
We observed a two minutes silence at work today for the two fallen police officers who lost their lives serving Greater Manchester Police. That could have been any one of my colleagues; my friends. A very humbling thought.
I hope it's a reminder to the public and the government that a LOT of work and risk goes into keeping people safe.
I hope it's a reminder to the public and the government that a LOT of work and risk goes into keeping people safe.
Posts are like buses, you wait ages for one...
The wonderful Mrs P, whose amazing wedding I attended just a few weeks ago, has put up a blog post which is still making me smile a good hour after reading it.
See post here- Wedding Wednesday: Top of the Cake Toppers
Needless to say, the whole little project, in which I was entrusted with the privilige of seeing outfits BEFORE the wedding!!!, was an absolute pleasure and all I hoped was that I captured the wonderful personalities of this lovely and perfect couple.
See post here- Wedding Wednesday: Top of the Cake Toppers
Needless to say, the whole little project, in which I was entrusted with the privilige of seeing outfits BEFORE the wedding!!!, was an absolute pleasure and all I hoped was that I captured the wonderful personalities of this lovely and perfect couple.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Highs and Lows.
The storm:
Work. Missing my old job/colleagues/work banter/friends. Missing my old life. Missing N- The way we used to be. POLITICS. Missing my home. Missing my belongings. Feeling torn. Indecisive. Having no base, no roots. Not belonging. Permanent state of confusion. Feeling inadequate compared to friends and family. Being surrounded by reminders that I should be settled. FEAR of never being happy or not knowing how to be. Being screwed over. Realising I got someone wrong. Being hurt. Feeling Lost. Not being able to afford a home vs. Not wanting to live alone. Drinkingtoo much. Loneliness. DANCING to ESCAPE.
The calm:
My neice- seeing my brother and my family so full of love for her. Sculpting. Friends who care. New Shoes. Dancing to escape. Music. My own little car. Seeing my friends happy.
Work. Missing my old job/colleagues/work banter/friends. Missing my old life. Missing N- The way we used to be. POLITICS. Missing my home. Missing my belongings. Feeling torn. Indecisive. Having no base, no roots. Not belonging. Permanent state of confusion. Feeling inadequate compared to friends and family. Being surrounded by reminders that I should be settled. FEAR of never being happy or not knowing how to be. Being screwed over. Realising I got someone wrong. Being hurt. Feeling Lost. Not being able to afford a home vs. Not wanting to live alone. Drinking
The calm:
My neice- seeing my brother and my family so full of love for her. Sculpting. Friends who care. New Shoes. Dancing to escape. Music. My own little car. Seeing my friends happy.
Splurge.
Yikes.
It's been a while again. I've had bloggable tales for months but lack of computer access is preventing me blogging at the moment.
My "new" job has wierdly turned into 6 months in, and I still feel majorly lacking in knowledge and training.
I've been let down by a good friend recently. Though its become quickly apparant they weren't a good friend at all. It's made me value the friendships that have lasted. I know I don't always make the effort I should do with some of my friends- the monotany of the day to day cycle gets in the way sometimes but it's clear that those deserving of my friendship will remain in my life regardless.
I've completed a couple of sculpture projects recently which have grounded me and made me feel whole again. The last one I completed was for Miss P's wedding. Neither bride nor groom to be have seen it yet so I'm getting knots in my stomach thinking of them seeing it for the first time. I really hope they like it. I love that I've been able to contribute in a small way to their big day and give them something that hopefully they can keep forever as a token of the days memories and happiness. :)
The problem I have right now is that with work being what it is, and my accomodation situation getting steadily worse, missing the home life I once had- I've been over compensating with nights out, drinking and spending money. I've had a bit of a splurge recently in preparation for Miss Ps wedding next weekend which I am so excited for. I have some pretty amazing shoes as a result, but I'm well aware that no amount of shoes are going to replace the hole I feel in my heart at the moment.
As much as my heart fills for them both, I have to admit it could be a hard day on a personal level... seeing old uni friends, maybe realising that so many people have what I don't have... What I could have had, maybe. I guess no wedding is complete without the obligatory feelings of inadequacy after a few drinks.
After next weekend- I am definitely cutting down on alcohol.
It's been a while again. I've had bloggable tales for months but lack of computer access is preventing me blogging at the moment.
My "new" job has wierdly turned into 6 months in, and I still feel majorly lacking in knowledge and training.
I've been let down by a good friend recently. Though its become quickly apparant they weren't a good friend at all. It's made me value the friendships that have lasted. I know I don't always make the effort I should do with some of my friends- the monotany of the day to day cycle gets in the way sometimes but it's clear that those deserving of my friendship will remain in my life regardless.
I've completed a couple of sculpture projects recently which have grounded me and made me feel whole again. The last one I completed was for Miss P's wedding. Neither bride nor groom to be have seen it yet so I'm getting knots in my stomach thinking of them seeing it for the first time. I really hope they like it. I love that I've been able to contribute in a small way to their big day and give them something that hopefully they can keep forever as a token of the days memories and happiness. :)
The problem I have right now is that with work being what it is, and my accomodation situation getting steadily worse, missing the home life I once had- I've been over compensating with nights out, drinking and spending money. I've had a bit of a splurge recently in preparation for Miss Ps wedding next weekend which I am so excited for. I have some pretty amazing shoes as a result, but I'm well aware that no amount of shoes are going to replace the hole I feel in my heart at the moment.
As much as my heart fills for them both, I have to admit it could be a hard day on a personal level... seeing old uni friends, maybe realising that so many people have what I don't have... What I could have had, maybe. I guess no wedding is complete without the obligatory feelings of inadequacy after a few drinks.
After next weekend- I am definitely cutting down on alcohol.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sucker Punch.
Someone I trusted let me down. Massively.
It's partly my fault. I'm an open person, and I tend to expect most people are honest. Someone I considered a friend has proven that I need to be a little bit more cautious with my trust. When the anger subsides, I mostly just feel furious at myself for trusting them.
I am beginning to feel very drained. Words aren't coming easily at the moment. I have a week booked off work next week and I'm heading to Bruge with N for a while to recooperate relax for a bit.
I'll spend the weekend sculpting, immersing myself in what I am good at, then fly away for a while. No phone. No tv. Just air and new sights. I'm going to take my SLR and take some shots to reaquaint myself with the beauty and simplicity of taking a photograph through a lens.
I can't wait.
It's partly my fault. I'm an open person, and I tend to expect most people are honest. Someone I considered a friend has proven that I need to be a little bit more cautious with my trust. When the anger subsides, I mostly just feel furious at myself for trusting them.
I am beginning to feel very drained. Words aren't coming easily at the moment. I have a week booked off work next week and I'm heading to Bruge with N for a while to recooperate relax for a bit.
I'll spend the weekend sculpting, immersing myself in what I am good at, then fly away for a while. No phone. No tv. Just air and new sights. I'm going to take my SLR and take some shots to reaquaint myself with the beauty and simplicity of taking a photograph through a lens.
I can't wait.
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
Steady as she goes.
It's been so long since I last blogged that the whole ruddy blog site has changed!
My new job is well underway. I'm still criminally undertrained- literally lol. Badum tush. There is much yet to learn, and I'm still overwhelmed by vast portions of the job. However, I'm getting good feedback from my bosses so I mustn't be doing too badly. I miss the banter within that family unit that I had with my old job. I know this takes time to build, but I realise just how much that work family unit had been my distraction from all the other crappy stuff going on. Now I don't have it, it highlights how lonely I feel. Even when I'm surrounded by people.
My sleep is disrupted lately. I know why. Lack of direction mainly.
I need to find a more permanent place to live. I need to start listening to my head not my heart.
It's not all gloom. I have some sculpting projects underway as well as some 2d artwork. It'll focus my mind a little and the process of building, constructing and creating will be good for my soul at a time where a lot of things seem to be falling a part.
Hold it together. Keep calm. And carry on.
My new job is well underway. I'm still criminally undertrained- literally lol. Badum tush. There is much yet to learn, and I'm still overwhelmed by vast portions of the job. However, I'm getting good feedback from my bosses so I mustn't be doing too badly. I miss the banter within that family unit that I had with my old job. I know this takes time to build, but I realise just how much that work family unit had been my distraction from all the other crappy stuff going on. Now I don't have it, it highlights how lonely I feel. Even when I'm surrounded by people.
My sleep is disrupted lately. I know why. Lack of direction mainly.
I need to find a more permanent place to live. I need to start listening to my head not my heart.
It's not all gloom. I have some sculpting projects underway as well as some 2d artwork. It'll focus my mind a little and the process of building, constructing and creating will be good for my soul at a time where a lot of things seem to be falling a part.
Hold it together. Keep calm. And carry on.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Pause.
Nearly three months since my last post.
You could say I'm in limbo. No real place to call home. Still struggling to get clarity on what I want and what is right for me. I miss my home immensely but I guess you can make anywhere a home.
Having said that, the last three months have brought about some further changes. I managed to land myself a new job, which I've now been posted in for three weeks. I'm exhausted from training course after training course... but ultimately, I think this will be a really challenging and interesting job that I can really develop into. Plus, despite Teresa May's best efforts, my job "should" be secure for at least two years. I think that's as secure as a job is going to get under this government. Score. What's not so good is the fact that moving away from some good friends at my old work location is making me feel even more isolated. My friends provided me with the laughs, alcohol and chats that were keeping me going... and now I've moved away from them too. I know my new team will fill that gap eventually, but that takes time, and right now, having something solid, continuous and stable was such a welcome thing.
Because of my new job I've had to ditch my rail commuter pass, and get myself a car. He's a matt black Fiat 500 called Franko, and he's awesome. He has blue stripes and although he's not too fast, he turns heads and makes an impression. I love seeing people walk passed him in the carpark and comment on how awesome his paint job is. :-) He makes me smile. And I need that at the moment.
I have to say I am NOT liking driving to work. I miss the train journey; the space to snooze, read, spy, people watch, listen to my mp3 player and lose myself for a while, absolve myself of the responsibility of transporting myself from one place to another... now I have to sit in the same position for 30 boring minutes, a slave to a set posture and a radio station. It's restrictive. However, I'm not unaware of the advantages- no waiting around, no 15 minute walk in the freezing rain before and after my journey, being able to wear heels to work! And of course, showing the world Franko.
My little neice is due in 9 days time. Unfortunately seeing as she will be born and living in Japan, you could say my Auntie skills won't be particularly well utilised, but it's exciting nonetheless.
I spent yesterday painting a friend's nursery wall which winded up looking pretty awesome... it was nice to be around paint again. I have some creative projects on the horizon, which means I also need to get my shit together and sort out accomodation so that I can work on these projects effectively. I have two cake toppers to do for August, and some band artwork to work on too so I'm really looking forward to "finding myself" again by immersing myself in creative practice again.
These things are good for me. I need these things.
You could say I'm in limbo. No real place to call home. Still struggling to get clarity on what I want and what is right for me. I miss my home immensely but I guess you can make anywhere a home.
Having said that, the last three months have brought about some further changes. I managed to land myself a new job, which I've now been posted in for three weeks. I'm exhausted from training course after training course... but ultimately, I think this will be a really challenging and interesting job that I can really develop into. Plus, despite Teresa May's best efforts, my job "should" be secure for at least two years. I think that's as secure as a job is going to get under this government. Score. What's not so good is the fact that moving away from some good friends at my old work location is making me feel even more isolated. My friends provided me with the laughs, alcohol and chats that were keeping me going... and now I've moved away from them too. I know my new team will fill that gap eventually, but that takes time, and right now, having something solid, continuous and stable was such a welcome thing.
Because of my new job I've had to ditch my rail commuter pass, and get myself a car. He's a matt black Fiat 500 called Franko, and he's awesome. He has blue stripes and although he's not too fast, he turns heads and makes an impression. I love seeing people walk passed him in the carpark and comment on how awesome his paint job is. :-) He makes me smile. And I need that at the moment.
I have to say I am NOT liking driving to work. I miss the train journey; the space to snooze, read, spy, people watch, listen to my mp3 player and lose myself for a while, absolve myself of the responsibility of transporting myself from one place to another... now I have to sit in the same position for 30 boring minutes, a slave to a set posture and a radio station. It's restrictive. However, I'm not unaware of the advantages- no waiting around, no 15 minute walk in the freezing rain before and after my journey, being able to wear heels to work! And of course, showing the world Franko.
My little neice is due in 9 days time. Unfortunately seeing as she will be born and living in Japan, you could say my Auntie skills won't be particularly well utilised, but it's exciting nonetheless.
I spent yesterday painting a friend's nursery wall which winded up looking pretty awesome... it was nice to be around paint again. I have some creative projects on the horizon, which means I also need to get my shit together and sort out accomodation so that I can work on these projects effectively. I have two cake toppers to do for August, and some band artwork to work on too so I'm really looking forward to "finding myself" again by immersing myself in creative practice again.
These things are good for me. I need these things.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Home.
Okay.
I need to get this out. It's not likely to make much sense... but here goes.
I am in the process of a huge change in my life, and I'm feeling the biggest sense of loss I've ever experienced.
My home, my surroundings are incredibly important to me. Wherever I live- I need to feel that my surroundings reflect my personality, I need to feel safe, comfortable and like I'm stepping inside myself when I'm home.
Four weeks ago, I moved back to my folks house. I'm sleeping on a sofa bed, in a cold back room which isn't even a bedroom, with about a tenth of my belongings and pretty much living out of a suitcase and temporary clothes rail. It's the home I was raised in, but after living by myself for the past eight years, it's hard to suddenly find myself away from all my belongings, my home, my pictures on the walls along with all the independence and privacy that comes from owning your own property. Within the space of four weeks, I feel an immense sense of loss that I might be walking away from not only my relationship, my best friend of eight years, but also my lifestyle, my home... and probably the only chance I have at actually owning my own place and having it exactly the way I want it.
I need home. I miss it so much. I put my all into making this house a home... and now I face the devastating realisation that I have to walk away from it all and it hurts so freakin' much.
I'm in limbo right now and it would appear this is how it could be for a while, whilst I work out my next few unsteady steps.
I need to get this out. It's not likely to make much sense... but here goes.
I am in the process of a huge change in my life, and I'm feeling the biggest sense of loss I've ever experienced.
My home, my surroundings are incredibly important to me. Wherever I live- I need to feel that my surroundings reflect my personality, I need to feel safe, comfortable and like I'm stepping inside myself when I'm home.
Four weeks ago, I moved back to my folks house. I'm sleeping on a sofa bed, in a cold back room which isn't even a bedroom, with about a tenth of my belongings and pretty much living out of a suitcase and temporary clothes rail. It's the home I was raised in, but after living by myself for the past eight years, it's hard to suddenly find myself away from all my belongings, my home, my pictures on the walls along with all the independence and privacy that comes from owning your own property. Within the space of four weeks, I feel an immense sense of loss that I might be walking away from not only my relationship, my best friend of eight years, but also my lifestyle, my home... and probably the only chance I have at actually owning my own place and having it exactly the way I want it.
I need home. I miss it so much. I put my all into making this house a home... and now I face the devastating realisation that I have to walk away from it all and it hurts so freakin' much.
I'm in limbo right now and it would appear this is how it could be for a while, whilst I work out my next few unsteady steps.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Try Not to Worry.
Apparantly, this is a big year for me. No shit!
According to a colleague who loves her astrology, this year is one of big decisions and major changes. Apparantly. And apparantly this is all down to Saturn.
I think it's because I'm turning 29, am unhappy and need changes to try and get my head and my life in order.
It's scary, uncomfortable and I think this year in many ways is going to be intensley painful... but I'm trying to be positive and honest with myself as to what I need and want.
Trying not to worry is one of the hardest things for me. As a naturally anxious person, telling me not to wory is like telling me not to breathe. It happens. On it's own. I do worry... all the freakin' time! But I'm trying to let that go... that it's okay that I'm worried, but that I need to just trust that things are going to be okay in the end. I am not a weak person and I need to trust in that. I need to also stop worrying too much about being hurt, or hurting others. Those things hold you back... and I don't want to do that this year.
I have big things happening right now. I can feel it. Some bad, some good, but all experiences that I know I need to go through in order to sort my head and heart out. They may work, they may fail, but it's necessary. Today, despite the anxiety I feel, I looked out of the train window to the most intensely colourful and beautiful sky I have seen in ages. Despite all the impending stress and potential pain... I felt peaceful.
And when all is said and done... I can always blame Saturn if it all goes wrong.
According to a colleague who loves her astrology, this year is one of big decisions and major changes. Apparantly. And apparantly this is all down to Saturn.
I think it's because I'm turning 29, am unhappy and need changes to try and get my head and my life in order.
It's scary, uncomfortable and I think this year in many ways is going to be intensley painful... but I'm trying to be positive and honest with myself as to what I need and want.
Trying not to worry is one of the hardest things for me. As a naturally anxious person, telling me not to wory is like telling me not to breathe. It happens. On it's own. I do worry... all the freakin' time! But I'm trying to let that go... that it's okay that I'm worried, but that I need to just trust that things are going to be okay in the end. I am not a weak person and I need to trust in that. I need to also stop worrying too much about being hurt, or hurting others. Those things hold you back... and I don't want to do that this year.
I have big things happening right now. I can feel it. Some bad, some good, but all experiences that I know I need to go through in order to sort my head and heart out. They may work, they may fail, but it's necessary. Today, despite the anxiety I feel, I looked out of the train window to the most intensely colourful and beautiful sky I have seen in ages. Despite all the impending stress and potential pain... I felt peaceful.
And when all is said and done... I can always blame Saturn if it all goes wrong.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
2012
I had an odd Christmas this year- lovely but reflective.
I have some tough and huge decisions to make this year based on the below:
I want to really strive to be happier.
I want to make more time for creativity- sculpting, photography, embedding myself back into the cultural landscape by visiting people, places, art galleries, gigs.
I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time or my life this year- I want to make things count and make the most of the amazing friends and family I have.
Whilst I'm not the most confident person in the world, I'm confident in my values, my beliefs and opinions and what is important to me.
I need to try not to get bogged down with things- politics etc. I've had a very angry, stressful year and I need that to stop for my health and wellbeing.
I was given an awesome diary for christmas as a gift. It's called "2012 Masterplan for World Domination" and it gives me little tasks for each week, and certain days e.g Practice your evil laugh day! There's also a manifesto each month which I should seriously try and complete. I feel like it's really going to help me through a tumultuous year.
Deep breaths. It's all going to be okay.
I have some tough and huge decisions to make this year based on the below:
I want to really strive to be happier.
I want to make more time for creativity- sculpting, photography, embedding myself back into the cultural landscape by visiting people, places, art galleries, gigs.
I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time or my life this year- I want to make things count and make the most of the amazing friends and family I have.
Whilst I'm not the most confident person in the world, I'm confident in my values, my beliefs and opinions and what is important to me.
I need to try not to get bogged down with things- politics etc. I've had a very angry, stressful year and I need that to stop for my health and wellbeing.
I was given an awesome diary for christmas as a gift. It's called "2012 Masterplan for World Domination" and it gives me little tasks for each week, and certain days e.g Practice your evil laugh day! There's also a manifesto each month which I should seriously try and complete. I feel like it's really going to help me through a tumultuous year.
Deep breaths. It's all going to be okay.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
OBJECT.
Lads Mag Rapist Study
Finally! People are starting to catch on to the already known correlation between sex offences crime and the accessibility of pornography- soft or otherwise.
Good study. Good article.
Finally! People are starting to catch on to the already known correlation between sex offences crime and the accessibility of pornography- soft or otherwise.
Good study. Good article.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Dig.
My amazing Mum is back at work full time after her breast cancer operation. Just months after her diagnosis, a whirlwind has passed. I'm humbled by her bravery and strength through the trauma; at her determination to go back to work and retain that feeling of normality again we all crave now and then.
I am so proud of her.
I guess I'm feeling reflective. My weeks have become hectic, as they always do at this time of year. I'm battling the worlds most irritating cough after four weeks; I'm behind on a commission; work varies from crazy to slow but I've managed to get through the monotiny of the last few days with some serious pranks on the office down the corridoor.
I feel a need to rejuvinate. I'm hoping after Christmas things will feel clearer. I'm bogged down with alot of thoughts that perhaps I don't feel truly myself at the moment, and the feeling that I don't have enough time to do things. I feel like time's slipped away from me somehow and I want to pull back all the things that I hold dear- my friends and family, my creativity.
There's some big issues I need to address next year and I have to make a promise to myself not to bury them any longer.
I am so proud of her.
I guess I'm feeling reflective. My weeks have become hectic, as they always do at this time of year. I'm battling the worlds most irritating cough after four weeks; I'm behind on a commission; work varies from crazy to slow but I've managed to get through the monotiny of the last few days with some serious pranks on the office down the corridoor.
I feel a need to rejuvinate. I'm hoping after Christmas things will feel clearer. I'm bogged down with alot of thoughts that perhaps I don't feel truly myself at the moment, and the feeling that I don't have enough time to do things. I feel like time's slipped away from me somehow and I want to pull back all the things that I hold dear- my friends and family, my creativity.
There's some big issues I need to address next year and I have to make a promise to myself not to bury them any longer.
Friday, December 02, 2011
Grey.
URGH.
It's over. An absolutely crap week at work has left me feeling anxious and migraine-y and looking like I haven't eaten for three weeks. Lots went wrong, I made a mistake, I stumbled across about 30 mistakes colleague has made which I've had to attampt to rectify, figures, paper, staffing levels, strikes, my cough isn't getting better either. ... you name it- if it was stress inducing-it happened this week. I am so tired.
I feel like seven shades of grey.
But... it's the weekend... and having done 99% of my christmas shopping I want to spend this weekend quietly sculpting and listening to music. I need to. I need to relax and unwind and make myself feel like a person again because this week has sapped pretty much all my strength.
First christmas in the new place coming up so I'm feeling quite keen to get the decs up soon this weekend if I get the chance.
It's over. An absolutely crap week at work has left me feeling anxious and migraine-y and looking like I haven't eaten for three weeks. Lots went wrong, I made a mistake, I stumbled across about 30 mistakes colleague has made which I've had to attampt to rectify, figures, paper, staffing levels, strikes, my cough isn't getting better either. ... you name it- if it was stress inducing-it happened this week. I am so tired.
I feel like seven shades of grey.
But... it's the weekend... and having done 99% of my christmas shopping I want to spend this weekend quietly sculpting and listening to music. I need to. I need to relax and unwind and make myself feel like a person again because this week has sapped pretty much all my strength.
First christmas in the new place coming up so I'm feeling quite keen to get the decs up soon this weekend if I get the chance.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
London Weekend.
Last Friday evening N and I drove down to London to see Ktp and her fiance Adam. My throat was still sore and I was feeling pretty rough from this nasty cough and cold I can't seem to shake- but still, we travelled down dressed to the nines in our rock gear for our first night out in Camden.
After a quick tour round chez P, we head out to Sin City where, judging by the hilarious photo's, a good night out was had by all. I miss rock nights. The following day we strolled, some of us nursing pretty hefty hangovers and gippy tummy's headed out to Kings Cross. We stopped by Platform 9 3/4's on the way for a quick photo, and then enjoyed a fairy-lit stroll through Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland. It felt so christmassy despite how busy it was and the mild evening weather. We'd planned to spend the evening at Drink, Make and Do which is a bar/cafe where you can do crafty activities. The planned activity was a Micheal Jackson theme Clay night... but unfortunately we hadn't been told that we had to book so we were unable to stay for anything more than a tasty hot choc and cocktail. Plan B was initiated, which was three pizza's and some chillaxing back at chez P's watching Flight of The Conchords. Think we all needed the rest after the previous night.
Sunday morning was spent having a look see round the mahoosive RAF museum not far from Ktp's house. Plane's aren't my thing, but it was good to walk round and feel so small amongst the huge machines. We couldn't get round all of the hangers because of the sheer size and having to drive back home but it was a nice relaxing way to while away a few hours.
All in all, a fab weekend... I'm left feeling like I miss my friends, I miss rock night's and need to make a much bigger effort to actually ENJOY my weekends and make the most of them. Hopefully we can return the favour to the P's to be, in the new year with an equally awesome eddies night.
After a quick tour round chez P, we head out to Sin City where, judging by the hilarious photo's, a good night out was had by all. I miss rock nights. The following day we strolled, some of us nursing pretty hefty hangovers and gippy tummy's headed out to Kings Cross. We stopped by Platform 9 3/4's on the way for a quick photo, and then enjoyed a fairy-lit stroll through Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland. It felt so christmassy despite how busy it was and the mild evening weather. We'd planned to spend the evening at Drink, Make and Do which is a bar/cafe where you can do crafty activities. The planned activity was a Micheal Jackson theme Clay night... but unfortunately we hadn't been told that we had to book so we were unable to stay for anything more than a tasty hot choc and cocktail. Plan B was initiated, which was three pizza's and some chillaxing back at chez P's watching Flight of The Conchords. Think we all needed the rest after the previous night.
Sunday morning was spent having a look see round the mahoosive RAF museum not far from Ktp's house. Plane's aren't my thing, but it was good to walk round and feel so small amongst the huge machines. We couldn't get round all of the hangers because of the sheer size and having to drive back home but it was a nice relaxing way to while away a few hours.
All in all, a fab weekend... I'm left feeling like I miss my friends, I miss rock night's and need to make a much bigger effort to actually ENJOY my weekends and make the most of them. Hopefully we can return the favour to the P's to be, in the new year with an equally awesome eddies night.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
On a Lighter/Heavier Note...
The third headliner for Download 2012 has been announced today.
I'm relieved because so far the first two have done absolutely nothing for me.
Metallica. Meh. Maybe good to watch and add to the Gig-CV but other than that I'm not a huge fan.
Black Sabbath. Nah. Influential maybe but they're far too old and uninteresting for me.
But finally... a ray of hope...
The Prodigy. HOO-BLOODY-RAH. They pack a punch. A heavy, beat ridden, bass-ey punch. I am imagining watching them in the dark, high up on the hill looking down at the stage all lit up, closing my eyes and losing myself in the beats- just as I feel when I'm dancing in a nightclub. I don't like a lot of what they do... but the ones I like... I love.
I've been thinking lately about what makes me like a certain song or type of music. I do love the Prodge, Nine Inch Nails, Puscifer- all bands relying on strong electronic beats and rhythms. It's wierd how you never really know WHY you're attracted to a style of music; why does a certain chord change just seem perfect? Why do I happen to like big, meaty, bass-ey sounds and good strong beats? There's a song by Puscifer which I have listened to daily for the last week and a half, called Horizons and it is just perfect. I am in love with it. Every chord change, the voice, the beat, the pace... it's dreamlike and beautiful. It makes me want to close my eyes. It makes me see imagery and gives me energy.
I guess it'll always be a mystery as to why... and maybe that's partly why I'm so intrigued by the whole process.
I'm relieved because so far the first two have done absolutely nothing for me.
Metallica. Meh. Maybe good to watch and add to the Gig-CV but other than that I'm not a huge fan.
Black Sabbath. Nah. Influential maybe but they're far too old and uninteresting for me.
But finally... a ray of hope...
The Prodigy. HOO-BLOODY-RAH. They pack a punch. A heavy, beat ridden, bass-ey punch. I am imagining watching them in the dark, high up on the hill looking down at the stage all lit up, closing my eyes and losing myself in the beats- just as I feel when I'm dancing in a nightclub. I don't like a lot of what they do... but the ones I like... I love.
I've been thinking lately about what makes me like a certain song or type of music. I do love the Prodge, Nine Inch Nails, Puscifer- all bands relying on strong electronic beats and rhythms. It's wierd how you never really know WHY you're attracted to a style of music; why does a certain chord change just seem perfect? Why do I happen to like big, meaty, bass-ey sounds and good strong beats? There's a song by Puscifer which I have listened to daily for the last week and a half, called Horizons and it is just perfect. I am in love with it. Every chord change, the voice, the beat, the pace... it's dreamlike and beautiful. It makes me want to close my eyes. It makes me see imagery and gives me energy.
I guess it'll always be a mystery as to why... and maybe that's partly why I'm so intrigued by the whole process.
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