Two articles that caught my eye today:
1. Pornification
Getting a bit sick of hearing half assed politicians raising this issue and nothing further happening... Take ACTION. Start getting rid of pornography in supermarkets, get it off shop shelves, off tv programmes, off advertising and start looking into ways of policing the internet better. Sex education isn't necessarily the way around this either- Injecting boys early with morals, respect and equality; alongside encouraging girls' self esteem and preparing them for the lies they will be fed on a daily basis by the media, will be far more valuable than teaching them about "love and relationships" which we all know is a crock of shit anyway.
Secondly... you know I can never resist a bit of mindless, infuriating Catholic Hypocrisy...
2. Catholic Hospital- "Fetus not a person"
Whilst the case in question is undoubtedly sad- it's important that this case has run through the courts and I can't help but seek some pleasure in the discomfort this must have brought the Hospital in question. I presume this hospital doesn't perform abortions because it's "murder". Hypocrisy and the Catholic Church is as common as flies on dogshit and here, again, they cherry pick their "morals" when it suits them.
All good- no rage here... just wanted to share some good web-reading. Absorb people.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
The Balancing Act of Being Female; Or, Why We Have So Many Clothes
I just read the above article.
It's an interesting albeit brief article on the labelling of women based on their clothing choices. It's a sad fact that women label women in this way just as much as men do. Interestingly men's clothing choices matter very little... in fact I can't remember many conversations around mens clothing choices reflecting their personalities and although I can see how a personality may be relfected in a mans clothing choices, they're not routinely labelled in the same way. Men seldom are labelled.
The image in the article, as usual, sums it all up a thousand times quicker and with more clarity than words do.
Well done to the young student addressing these issues.
It's an interesting albeit brief article on the labelling of women based on their clothing choices. It's a sad fact that women label women in this way just as much as men do. Interestingly men's clothing choices matter very little... in fact I can't remember many conversations around mens clothing choices reflecting their personalities and although I can see how a personality may be relfected in a mans clothing choices, they're not routinely labelled in the same way. Men seldom are labelled.
The image in the article, as usual, sums it all up a thousand times quicker and with more clarity than words do.
Well done to the young student addressing these issues.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Resolutions Update
As the first month of 2013 draws to a frosty and foggy close, I thought it was about time I had a Resolution update:
Resolution 1: Be more active. hmmm. Not happening as of yet thanks to the cold and snow. My aims though are to start doing my nightly situps again, to go for jogs/runs and look into Boxercise classes.
Resolution 2: Be less angry.
I am no longer watching provocative debate shows which always fuelled my rage. I need to try not to rise to the bait.
Resolution 3: Laugh more.
I need more comedy!
Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Yes! Films. And I'm reading again too. When I finish Mark Kermode's book I will be reading Neil Gaiman, Sylvia Plath, Christopher Hitchin and Derren Brown books which I have waiting.
Resolution 5: Be more creative.
I have a commission on the books already and I am still working on the new tattoo. Thinking Eastern Pheonix or a dragon as a tribute to my fictional heroine Lisbeth Salander. A reminder not to take any shit from men is always good for the soul.
Resolution 6: Blog more.
Done and done!
Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Work in progress. I have the knowledge now and I feel less afraid of cutting out parts of my life that lead nowhere but misery and negativity. I know what I DON'T want. Now to know what I DO.
Resolution 1: Be more active. hmmm. Not happening as of yet thanks to the cold and snow. My aims though are to start doing my nightly situps again, to go for jogs/runs and look into Boxercise classes.
Resolution 2: Be less angry.
I am no longer watching provocative debate shows which always fuelled my rage. I need to try not to rise to the bait.
Resolution 3: Laugh more.
I need more comedy!
Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Yes! Films. And I'm reading again too. When I finish Mark Kermode's book I will be reading Neil Gaiman, Sylvia Plath, Christopher Hitchin and Derren Brown books which I have waiting.
Resolution 5: Be more creative.
I have a commission on the books already and I am still working on the new tattoo. Thinking Eastern Pheonix or a dragon as a tribute to my fictional heroine Lisbeth Salander. A reminder not to take any shit from men is always good for the soul.
Resolution 6: Blog more.
Done and done!
Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Work in progress. I have the knowledge now and I feel less afraid of cutting out parts of my life that lead nowhere but misery and negativity. I know what I DON'T want. Now to know what I DO.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
One.
“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
And at least now I know those who are worth it, and those that aren't. :-)
Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
And at least now I know those who are worth it, and those that aren't. :-)
Friday, January 18, 2013
Snow Joke...
My office move is complete and not only was today my first drive to my new Station, this was my first time driving in snow.
It was NOT nice.
This morning wasn't too bad. There was a light covering on paths but the newly gritted roads were fine for driving on. I got to work at 7.30 with no trouble at all.
However, by 9am, the snow had mounted. By 12 o'clock the snow was probably about 15cm deep and a message from HQ was sent to say that all none operational staff were being sent home. This was it- my first drive in snow. It. Was. Horrible.
My route home contains hills- fairly steep hills at that, and of course if I could get up them- I also had to get back down. The roads through Walsall centre were fairly okay, it was only once I reached the main crossroads that it all started to get interesting. Although painfully snow, I got through the town centre and up the first hill without any trouble. I was feeling quite proud of myself so far in fact- pulling off in second gear, taking the down slope in first and the journey was going fairly smoothly though I was panicking behind the wheel. However, I wasn't even half way home and this three mile stretch had taken me about 35 minutes. My normal commuting times is 25-30 minutes! The roads after the first hill had gotten progressively worse in that time, and when I finally reached hill challenge two I could feel Franko's tyres slipping slightly. I stayed calm, reduced speed and brought him some pretty awsome (if I do say so myself) clutch skills to control it going up the hill. Hill three, was lurking about 10 minutes round the bend an I started to see my first people skidding around and cars stopping at the side of the road. I navigated the down slope of hill three pretty perfectly, passing a number of people struggling to get up on the other side. The next hour, involved painfully slow, ankle aching clutch use as poor little Franko drove along at 15mph maximum. Hill four was all downhill and here I felt my ABS kick in. Skidding just feels awful- you feel the car being pulled in opposite directions but it's good how much of your driving instinct kicks in and you just do what you need to whilst bearing in mind all the advice and tips for winter driving. The last hour was the worst. The roads were just treacherous and I was getting really hungry and thirsty. People were skidding, sliding and I felt like little Franko was struggling to keep in an adequate gear for the inclines and grip. Aside from the odd Wanker, most drivers were sensible and took it pretty easy.
The snowier side roads close to home were actually moderately better and provided some welcome grip from the slush I'd been sliding in for two hours. I pulled in and covered up Franko in his snow blanket. He did pretty well considering he's just a little 1.2. :-) I'm considering investing in some Snow Socks for him.
I have rarely been so relieved to just get back home in the warmth. It took just over two hours. I'm proud of myself for managing to get home safely though I have to admit to feeling incredibly anxious the whole time.
Stay safe out there folks! Where's my cuppa....
It was NOT nice.
This morning wasn't too bad. There was a light covering on paths but the newly gritted roads were fine for driving on. I got to work at 7.30 with no trouble at all.
However, by 9am, the snow had mounted. By 12 o'clock the snow was probably about 15cm deep and a message from HQ was sent to say that all none operational staff were being sent home. This was it- my first drive in snow. It. Was. Horrible.
My route home contains hills- fairly steep hills at that, and of course if I could get up them- I also had to get back down. The roads through Walsall centre were fairly okay, it was only once I reached the main crossroads that it all started to get interesting. Although painfully snow, I got through the town centre and up the first hill without any trouble. I was feeling quite proud of myself so far in fact- pulling off in second gear, taking the down slope in first and the journey was going fairly smoothly though I was panicking behind the wheel. However, I wasn't even half way home and this three mile stretch had taken me about 35 minutes. My normal commuting times is 25-30 minutes! The roads after the first hill had gotten progressively worse in that time, and when I finally reached hill challenge two I could feel Franko's tyres slipping slightly. I stayed calm, reduced speed and brought him some pretty awsome (if I do say so myself) clutch skills to control it going up the hill. Hill three, was lurking about 10 minutes round the bend an I started to see my first people skidding around and cars stopping at the side of the road. I navigated the down slope of hill three pretty perfectly, passing a number of people struggling to get up on the other side. The next hour, involved painfully slow, ankle aching clutch use as poor little Franko drove along at 15mph maximum. Hill four was all downhill and here I felt my ABS kick in. Skidding just feels awful- you feel the car being pulled in opposite directions but it's good how much of your driving instinct kicks in and you just do what you need to whilst bearing in mind all the advice and tips for winter driving. The last hour was the worst. The roads were just treacherous and I was getting really hungry and thirsty. People were skidding, sliding and I felt like little Franko was struggling to keep in an adequate gear for the inclines and grip. Aside from the odd Wanker, most drivers were sensible and took it pretty easy.
The snowier side roads close to home were actually moderately better and provided some welcome grip from the slush I'd been sliding in for two hours. I pulled in and covered up Franko in his snow blanket. He did pretty well considering he's just a little 1.2. :-) I'm considering investing in some Snow Socks for him.
I have rarely been so relieved to just get back home in the warmth. It took just over two hours. I'm proud of myself for managing to get home safely though I have to admit to feeling incredibly anxious the whole time.
Stay safe out there folks! Where's my cuppa....
So long HMV!
I've been saying for some time that HMV would go under in the recession. Any company (like Woolworths) who haven't changed a bit since the day they opened is bound to suffer.
Don't get me wrong- I'm have fond memories of HMV since I was a child. I love music and as such I've seen a steady decline of some brilliant music shops- mainly independent ones like Andys Records, Tudor Tunes (Lichfield), Left Legged Pineapple and Castle Records (both Loughborough). HMV have been the main retailer of music throughout the years and whilst I've witnessed them expand their stock to CD's, DVD's, BlueRays and Games- but with this expansion in stock, the once good supplies of each product have become more limited. They've NEVER been competitive on price; There's been a complete lack of competitiveness in fact. They ignorantly and rather stupidly still stock some CD's for £15 when everyone with half a brain cell could find it cheaper online with free delivery or even in your local Tesco in some cases! I just don't see the logic. If HMV is to survive it needs to re-brand itself, freshen itself up, pull up its socks, get out the 90's and compete.
Sorry HMV.
Don't get me wrong- I'm have fond memories of HMV since I was a child. I love music and as such I've seen a steady decline of some brilliant music shops- mainly independent ones like Andys Records, Tudor Tunes (Lichfield), Left Legged Pineapple and Castle Records (both Loughborough). HMV have been the main retailer of music throughout the years and whilst I've witnessed them expand their stock to CD's, DVD's, BlueRays and Games- but with this expansion in stock, the once good supplies of each product have become more limited. They've NEVER been competitive on price; There's been a complete lack of competitiveness in fact. They ignorantly and rather stupidly still stock some CD's for £15 when everyone with half a brain cell could find it cheaper online with free delivery or even in your local Tesco in some cases! I just don't see the logic. If HMV is to survive it needs to re-brand itself, freshen itself up, pull up its socks, get out the 90's and compete.
Sorry HMV.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
(not) Miserable.
Busy week at work this week as we're moving a few miles up the road to a new station. It's ACTUALLY got double glazing!!! WOOOOT. It means a longer commute and about two weeks of chaos while everything gets moved/lost/put in the wrong place and sorted out again but ultimately it'll be worth it for the warmth! For the last eight months I've been a little block of ice working away in front of our draughty two way glass windows. Ah... two way glass- I will miss you lulling all those vain passers by into your shallow reflective surface while we laugh at them from the other side.
I went to see Les Mis (the film) at the weekend. There are actual FILMS on in the cinema. I've been so relieved that the age of the crappy-masses film seems to have mostly passed and we're starting to see proper film makers return to the fold. I saw the Hobbit a few weeks ago- and for the most part thought it was a good offering although I felt it was padded out too much. Some of the scenes were too long and Martin Freeman lacked the warmth and happiness that we'd got used to from Ian Holme's Bilbo in the LOTR trilogy. I also found the dwarves a bit inconsistent and not styled enough.
Les Mis was very good. Superb, emotive performances from most of the main characters with Hugh Jackman and Ann Hathaway being fantastic. Russel Crowe does an average job but I never really like his acting style. He fails to draw me in to any of his characters and I rarely care for them or feel sorry for them. We, the viewers, should have felt some sympathy for Javere during his suicide song. A scene of a tormented soul, his direction lost, his world and ideals turned upside down by the compassion of the man he's devoted his life to catching- and yet, Crowe showed no agony and remained mostly expressionless. Russell Crowe's eyes are just steely and cold and it deadens most of his characters. I'm not a fan.
The other thing that ruined the film for me, not knowing the story, was the complete turnaround and two-facedness of Marius, the flighty, young socialist who was just a flakey, spineless drip! His friends die for the cause, and he sods off to get married to his splendily dressed fiance in his fuck-off Mansion! So much for Socialism and equality you Toff!
It's one of the few films I've seen at the cinema that people have applauded at the end and, despite being warned, at no point did I find myself reaching for the tissues. I don't tend to cry at films. Moving documentaries perhaps- but not films. The only film that even had me close to crying was Wall-E. I welled up when he gets rebuilt at the end and his little eyes remain as cold and empty as Russell Crowes; your heart is just willing them to show life and personality once again... Emotive stuff.
In other news I have been taking on a DIRE Amazon Marketplace seller to get a refund/replacement for a faulty item. I won. I have now escalated to a formal complaint about the fact that this seller removed my negative feedback which makes a mockery of the whole system. Freedom of speech and all that. If I fail in my mission to get it reinstated, I will be taking to twitter instead. Never let it be said I don't stick up for the little people.
I have also found a problem with my new Cowon. I'm still investigating into fixes for an issue with my player reading ID3 tags from shite-tunes where most of my music is imported or bought legally- yet Apple, being up their own arses as they are, have kindly made sure you can only use their shite-pods for file transfer with comfort and ease. I'll get round it. Or buy a Sony instead which use a slightly different transfer format. Again, I won't be bullied by some snotty corporation and brainwashed into buying substandard products.
I'm totally on a roll lately. I feel strong. Justice is being done all over the place. Good things are happening.
I went to see Les Mis (the film) at the weekend. There are actual FILMS on in the cinema. I've been so relieved that the age of the crappy-masses film seems to have mostly passed and we're starting to see proper film makers return to the fold. I saw the Hobbit a few weeks ago- and for the most part thought it was a good offering although I felt it was padded out too much. Some of the scenes were too long and Martin Freeman lacked the warmth and happiness that we'd got used to from Ian Holme's Bilbo in the LOTR trilogy. I also found the dwarves a bit inconsistent and not styled enough.
Les Mis was very good. Superb, emotive performances from most of the main characters with Hugh Jackman and Ann Hathaway being fantastic. Russel Crowe does an average job but I never really like his acting style. He fails to draw me in to any of his characters and I rarely care for them or feel sorry for them. We, the viewers, should have felt some sympathy for Javere during his suicide song. A scene of a tormented soul, his direction lost, his world and ideals turned upside down by the compassion of the man he's devoted his life to catching- and yet, Crowe showed no agony and remained mostly expressionless. Russell Crowe's eyes are just steely and cold and it deadens most of his characters. I'm not a fan.
The other thing that ruined the film for me, not knowing the story, was the complete turnaround and two-facedness of Marius, the flighty, young socialist who was just a flakey, spineless drip! His friends die for the cause, and he sods off to get married to his splendily dressed fiance in his fuck-off Mansion! So much for Socialism and equality you Toff!
It's one of the few films I've seen at the cinema that people have applauded at the end and, despite being warned, at no point did I find myself reaching for the tissues. I don't tend to cry at films. Moving documentaries perhaps- but not films. The only film that even had me close to crying was Wall-E. I welled up when he gets rebuilt at the end and his little eyes remain as cold and empty as Russell Crowes; your heart is just willing them to show life and personality once again... Emotive stuff.
In other news I have been taking on a DIRE Amazon Marketplace seller to get a refund/replacement for a faulty item. I won. I have now escalated to a formal complaint about the fact that this seller removed my negative feedback which makes a mockery of the whole system. Freedom of speech and all that. If I fail in my mission to get it reinstated, I will be taking to twitter instead. Never let it be said I don't stick up for the little people.
I have also found a problem with my new Cowon. I'm still investigating into fixes for an issue with my player reading ID3 tags from shite-tunes where most of my music is imported or bought legally- yet Apple, being up their own arses as they are, have kindly made sure you can only use their shite-pods for file transfer with comfort and ease. I'll get round it. Or buy a Sony instead which use a slightly different transfer format. Again, I won't be bullied by some snotty corporation and brainwashed into buying substandard products.
I'm totally on a roll lately. I feel strong. Justice is being done all over the place. Good things are happening.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Cowon Z2: My New Baby
So I've tested it.
I've tried various files; different earphones to compare sound; I've played with the sound settings and even ensured that it works in my car. All is good.
I am chuffed actually. The user interface will take a bit of getting used to, and when I'm looking to upgrade again in five years time I'll probably be less inclined to choose an MP3 player with web access as, although handy on the fly, it's what my smartphone does.
Plugging in my new earphones and playing Tool through it for the first time was just insanely good. I heard so much more of the song. I've managed to find a user sound setting that's bass-ey enough for me, but it'll still take some time adjusting to losing a bit of bass in order to improve the overall sound of the whole song. The other problem with this brilliant piece of technology is that it's too good. It brutally now sorts out the men from the boys in terms of digital file quality and I now have some MP3's which are clearly sub-standard. Songs I've been playing on my computer, Sonos and Sony Walkman for years now have all their digital flaws (yes I'm looking at you Bastille) highlighted which means I can well imagine I will be spending far more time buying CD's and ripping them, than downloading poor quality music for an unfairly steep price. But, this is the arena I've now found myself in, and it's a high standard that I'm pleased with.
Now I know it all works and I'm pleased with it, I'm spending the afternoon transferring music across to it. I can well imagine I will be needing to buy myself a micro SD to increase the storage capacity in no time.
I'm a happy bunny. Things feel good at the moment.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
New Toy!
It's here!!!!
My new Cowon is here!!!!
I have loaded a few files of music to test it out... but it needs to charge properly and I need to test it in my car also.
So far- the screen is AMAZING. I almost can't wait to plug in my shure earphones and start experimenting with the sound on it... but I must wait. It needs to charge fully. Patience. DAMIT!
My new Cowon is here!!!!
I have loaded a few files of music to test it out... but it needs to charge properly and I need to test it in my car also.
So far- the screen is AMAZING. I almost can't wait to plug in my shure earphones and start experimenting with the sound on it... but I must wait. It needs to charge fully. Patience. DAMIT!
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Shure Thing.
Last year I filled my MP3 player.
My little beat up 8gb Sony Walkman has served me well for the last couple of years. It is probably the best sounding MP3 player I've ever had, with incredibly deep bass tones and expensively perfect noise cancelling earphones which work in conjunction with the device. It was always going to be a substantially tough act to follow and it was with a very heavy heart that I decided it was time to look into getting a new one.
After months of research and a particular low point even considering getting a shite-pod, I selected the COWON Z2 with a web enabled Sony Walkman as my back up option. If it fails to connect to Franko (my car) 's USB port, the Cowon will be ebayed and I'll resort to my Sony back up choice.
With my original Walkman having noise cancelling functions and just immense sound, I also purchased some swanky Shure earphones to try and make up for the loss in any sound quality.
My new earphones arrived today.
They are, quite frankly, incredible.
The clarity on them is immense. It opens up new layers to music and I can hear new sounds to songs I've been listening to for years. I listened to Bastille, Korn, The Prodigy and Puscifer before the ultimate test- Nine Inch Nails. Oh my god. Track 13. Absolutely EPIC!! You can hear EVERYTHING! ; every detail, twang, even breaths that I've never heard before! Stunning.
Short of a bit more bass, they're just awesome. I'm used to a LOT of bass with my Sony noise cancelling. I like my music to sound meaty. I like to "feel" the music right in the centre of my brain and a deep bass seems to reach right inside you and squeeze your heart just a tad before pulsing back through your blood to your ears. My new earphones lack thispunch but I'm hoping it's something I can get used to. I've heard Cowon rival Sony for their sound technology and once I get my new Z2 I'm hoping I can tweak the settings and equalizer to my liking and maybe emphasize the bass so I'm not too worried just yet.
Just got to cross my fingers and hope that all is well on receiving my Cowon but so far- Inspired. (Resolution 4) ;-).
My little beat up 8gb Sony Walkman has served me well for the last couple of years. It is probably the best sounding MP3 player I've ever had, with incredibly deep bass tones and expensively perfect noise cancelling earphones which work in conjunction with the device. It was always going to be a substantially tough act to follow and it was with a very heavy heart that I decided it was time to look into getting a new one.
After months of research and a particular low point even considering getting a shite-pod, I selected the COWON Z2 with a web enabled Sony Walkman as my back up option. If it fails to connect to Franko (my car) 's USB port, the Cowon will be ebayed and I'll resort to my Sony back up choice.
With my original Walkman having noise cancelling functions and just immense sound, I also purchased some swanky Shure earphones to try and make up for the loss in any sound quality.
My new earphones arrived today.
They are, quite frankly, incredible.
The clarity on them is immense. It opens up new layers to music and I can hear new sounds to songs I've been listening to for years. I listened to Bastille, Korn, The Prodigy and Puscifer before the ultimate test- Nine Inch Nails. Oh my god. Track 13. Absolutely EPIC!! You can hear EVERYTHING! ; every detail, twang, even breaths that I've never heard before! Stunning.
Short of a bit more bass, they're just awesome. I'm used to a LOT of bass with my Sony noise cancelling. I like my music to sound meaty. I like to "feel" the music right in the centre of my brain and a deep bass seems to reach right inside you and squeeze your heart just a tad before pulsing back through your blood to your ears. My new earphones lack thispunch but I'm hoping it's something I can get used to. I've heard Cowon rival Sony for their sound technology and once I get my new Z2 I'm hoping I can tweak the settings and equalizer to my liking and maybe emphasize the bass so I'm not too worried just yet.
Just got to cross my fingers and hope that all is well on receiving my Cowon but so far- Inspired. (Resolution 4) ;-).
Monday, January 07, 2013
Ill Manners
I've posted the above article because it very much relates to the video below. I came across the below a few months ago and was struck by it's social commentry. I would strive to say it's the most powerful music videos I've seen for many years and I think it sums up the last few years better than anything else I've seen or read.
It's aptly crafted - edgy, raw and with a deep, angry intensity which is captured both musically and visually.
I have no doubt it's messages, many ironically contradictory, will be missed by both sides using it as an influencial piece condoning certain lifestyles and behaviour and for this reason I fear it's potential poignancy has been negated. In all the articles, literature, websites and papers I've read on the social impact of the Tory Government- THIS, to me, is the most intensely powerful and honest account of the widening social divide that's expanded before everyone's eyes.
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
2013
And here we are in 2013.
I'll be waving goodbye to my little neice, my brother and sister-in-law on Friday ( sadtimes), and along with it I will be waving goodbye to 2012 (and all the nastiness that went with it-).
My resolutions for the year as highlighted by my end of 2012 review plus a few extras will be as follows:
Resolution 1: Be more active.
Self explanatory!
Resolution 2: Be less angry.
Spending less time watching infuriating tv programs on politics and debates on religion.
Find more time watching things that make me laugh and inspire me.
Resolution 3: Laugh more.
As above- watch more tv that makes me laugh; spend time with people who make me laugh.
Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Be inspired by sights, sounds (gigs), comedy, theatre etc.
Resolution 5: Be more creative.
Find time for photographs, projects, clay work, sketch books and ink pens. Obtain a new tattoo!
Resolution 6: Blog more.
Find time for more blogging perhaps to monitor the success of these resolutions!
Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Sort out what I need to be happy and chase it. It won't happen over night and it won't happen by keeping everything the same.
I'm already getting off to a good start with Resolution 4: Be Inspired as I received two pairs of gig tickets for the Deftones and Bastille gigs in January and February. Absolutely STOKED about those. The new tattoo will also be either a dragon or a chinese style phoenix I think but this is still a work in progress.
Despite the governments best efforts, despite the knobheads I am bound to encounter, I hope that this year will be a happier one. For everyone. Except anyone who upset me last year of course- you can go do one. :-)
I'll be waving goodbye to my little neice, my brother and sister-in-law on Friday ( sadtimes), and along with it I will be waving goodbye to 2012 (and all the nastiness that went with it-).
My resolutions for the year as highlighted by my end of 2012 review plus a few extras will be as follows:
Resolution 1: Be more active.
Self explanatory!
Resolution 2: Be less angry.
Spending less time watching infuriating tv programs on politics and debates on religion.
Find more time watching things that make me laugh and inspire me.
Resolution 3: Laugh more.
As above- watch more tv that makes me laugh; spend time with people who make me laugh.
Resolution 4: Be Inspired.
Be inspired by sights, sounds (gigs), comedy, theatre etc.
Resolution 5: Be more creative.
Find time for photographs, projects, clay work, sketch books and ink pens. Obtain a new tattoo!
Resolution 6: Blog more.
Find time for more blogging perhaps to monitor the success of these resolutions!
Resolution 7: Feel settled.
Sort out what I need to be happy and chase it. It won't happen over night and it won't happen by keeping everything the same.
I'm already getting off to a good start with Resolution 4: Be Inspired as I received two pairs of gig tickets for the Deftones and Bastille gigs in January and February. Absolutely STOKED about those. The new tattoo will also be either a dragon or a chinese style phoenix I think but this is still a work in progress.
Despite the governments best efforts, despite the knobheads I am bound to encounter, I hope that this year will be a happier one. For everyone. Except anyone who upset me last year of course- you can go do one. :-)
Christmas 2012 with my little neice.
I was apprehensive about christmas this year until my brother told us he was bringing his new little family back from Japan to join us for two weeks over Christmas and New Year. They arrived on the 22nd December and I met my little neice Natalie for the first time.
The last two weeks have gone really quick but have provided us all with a lovely end to a tumultuous year. Spending time with my little neice has been a joy and it makes me feel pretty sad that when they leave on Friday morning I'll be saying goodbye to her for an indefinite amount of time.
I'm not sure what age she will be when we'll see her again, and it's highly likely that she will forget us until she's much older and her longer term memory is more functional. I feel sad about this... but immensely happy to have met her at such a precious little age. It's made for a really warming, family christmas which is just what I've needed at the end of such a difficult year. My heart feels full again.
Gonna miss this little munchkin.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Nice guys really do finish last.
" Beware of Bull Sharks; They float in shallow waters. Beware of Bullshit; it floats in shallow people".
One of the things about my place of work is that I can't get used to the culture or the people politics. The work force I have found myself in is one full of egotists, compulsive liars, superficial, nasty, shallow, two faced ass holes. The sad thing is, I'm starting to realise that this is exactly how you have to be to get ahead, to get by and possibly to be happy.
I always thought of myself as a good judge of character, trusting my gut instinct with people; however as I've got older I don't always get a gut reaction to base anything on. This is throwing me off track and now I'm slowly finding myself in a situation where I don't want to really trust anyone. That's not a healthy place to be. I'm unsure if this is unique to my line of work- I highly suspect it isn't, but the scary truth lurking in the background is - This might be what it's like to be an adult.
It's a minefield.
I have trusted too many people this year. I have been too open, too willing to expect good in people. I have been repaid with hurt, heartache, betrayal, lies and an overwhelming sense of being unable to tell the difference between friend and foe. It makes me hesitant to trust people, even those my gut says I should. I don't want to be this way. Not at all. However, as a headstrong, opinionated individual I find it frustrating that I frequently get made out to be an intolerant bitch for being passionate and voicing a strong opinion when actually, there are people out there who on a daily basis are far more worthy of derogatory name calling than I. I am honest. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But I am true both to myself and others. It would appear this is not the way to be and that screwing on your friends, using people, lying and having as many faces as a rubix cube, is widely accepted behaviour.
I have never seen myself as a doormat but this year I've felt like one a number of times. Do I really have to be colder, nastier, less open, less trusting in the future to avoid getting hurt and feel happier?
Letters.
You two. You two are made for each other. Both spineless, shameless liars, hypocrites and game players. Both shallow, and blindingly superficial. I shan't sink to your level and falsely wish you happiness. I genuinely don't. I hope your egotism and vanity consumes any trace of the young, happy desire you currently feel leading you to a power struggle just as ugly and destructive as you are. Keep playing your pathetic games and may you both get lost in your stagnant, fake worlds of smoke and mirrors.
You. You let me believe in you when you knew I shouldn't. You are pathetic, ugly to the core, bitter, hateful, and a master of manipulation; A compulsive liar, a hypocrite, shallow and ultimately spineless; full of nothing but utter bullshit. You will always remain the nastiest person I have ever met.
And you. You have lacked strength. You have many qualities but you show weakness when it ought to have mattered most. Where were your poignant words when my integrity was brought into question? Your loyalty wanes like your lust and love does. I doubt the strength and validity of your feelings and therefore I doubt your self awareness and understanding of emotion. Your fear of emotion is sad. Your willingness to lose me- honest and blatant. Your lack of actions speaks volumes. THIS I trust more than your words now.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Reflections on 2012 pt 6: Oscar
In August, our cat Oscar died. He was a good old age but his death was still a bit of a shock. He had a rapidly deteriorating heart condition and had to be put down. I held him as he was put to sleep.
The house still feels odd without him and I know our remaining cat Phoebe misses him daily. She hasn't really been the same since.
The house still feels odd without him and I know our remaining cat Phoebe misses him daily. She hasn't really been the same since.
Miss you.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Spider Decoys
Regular readers and good friends will be aware of my Spider theories. I am using the above article as further evidence to back up my theories.
It's now only a matter of time before they start building weapons of mass destruction.
Reflections on 2012 pt 5: My Niece
In May, the family welcomed our first new addition - Natalie.
I will be meeting her for the first time this christmas as my brother is bringing his new little family back from Japan, so it's set to be a really special one this year.
Although she lives really far away I hope she'll grow up knowing her two English Aunts care greatly for her and are looking forward to seeing her grow up. :-)
I will be meeting her for the first time this christmas as my brother is bringing his new little family back from Japan, so it's set to be a really special one this year.
Although she lives really far away I hope she'll grow up knowing her two English Aunts care greatly for her and are looking forward to seeing her grow up. :-)
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Reflections on 2012 pt 4: Promotion
In March I started applying for jobs. I had only been at my place of work for a year, having been made redundant and re-deployed from my previous role. I moved and was lucky enough to be placed somewhere familiar and within a small, friendly station in the area I'd grown up. Although it took me longer to adjust than I anticipated I became part of the family. Within that year though, my job there was yet again to be put at risk under the second round of Tory cuts so I started applying for jobs rather than wait around and see where someone else wanted me to go- if at all. I put my heart and soul into preparing for my interview, which was the day after my birthday.
After a tough interview with an Inspector from my current job on the panel, I was telephoned to say I'd been offered a post at Walsall. It wasn't the ideal place I wanted to be and I was nervous about it to say the least, but I also needed to take this step. It was time for me to move upwards.
I started in May. Commuting in my new car, Franko, to my new place of work. It's certainly been a huge step and frustratingly slow in terms of getting access to systems and training now that our training courses have been slashed in the cuts. Six months in, I'm settling; I'm learning; and hopefully growing into my role a little more each day. I don't have quite the same bonds as I did at my last job as it's a smaller team and the nature of the work means the job in general can be stressful and tiring. However, I'm learning a lot and this is hopefully another stepping stone into bigger, brighter things. That's *IF* there's a force left after the Tory's have finished their assault on the UK's services.
After a tough interview with an Inspector from my current job on the panel, I was telephoned to say I'd been offered a post at Walsall. It wasn't the ideal place I wanted to be and I was nervous about it to say the least, but I also needed to take this step. It was time for me to move upwards.
I started in May. Commuting in my new car, Franko, to my new place of work. It's certainly been a huge step and frustratingly slow in terms of getting access to systems and training now that our training courses have been slashed in the cuts. Six months in, I'm settling; I'm learning; and hopefully growing into my role a little more each day. I don't have quite the same bonds as I did at my last job as it's a smaller team and the nature of the work means the job in general can be stressful and tiring. However, I'm learning a lot and this is hopefully another stepping stone into bigger, brighter things. That's *IF* there's a force left after the Tory's have finished their assault on the UK's services.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Reflections on 2012 pt 3: L is for...
I made a new friend in 2012. He is called- L.
He has been the best thing about this year and will remain to be a special part of my life for years to come I hope.
I met L at work in Sutton Coldfield. I had commented many a time to colleagues of this polite Policeman who would email me for uniform orders- his good manners standing out like a little ray of sunshine in a job that can sometimes come with little thanks. I think I had probably met him once or twice during the admin side of my initial induction at Sutton, however it's only when he was working down the corridoor from me that I really got to know him. My office had a fair bit of banter with their office and over many practical jokes, after-work pub drinks and blu-tak figurines- we got to know each other, and I instantly knew I'd found a friend.
My instinct told me very early on that I would get on very well with L. He is open, warm, friendly, generous and forgiving. He has a genuine, kind heart and his support, patience and affection were my crutches during a difficult an emotional time in my life this year. I have confided in him, cried to him, shared hugs and many laughs and although I've not even known him a year, I would feel lost without him in my life.
He likes words- I like pictures. He calls me Sarahphim. He calls me bossy and says I have a temperament like the Incredible She-Hulk. He knows I can be grumpy, that I'm opinionated, challenging and headstrong, our views differ on many things, yet he's made me feel respected, loved, nurtured and less alone, at a time when I felt anything but.
I know in L, I have found a true friendship that I never ever want to lose.
To my best friend L, I love you more than you know and I thank you.
He has been the best thing about this year and will remain to be a special part of my life for years to come I hope.
I met L at work in Sutton Coldfield. I had commented many a time to colleagues of this polite Policeman who would email me for uniform orders- his good manners standing out like a little ray of sunshine in a job that can sometimes come with little thanks. I think I had probably met him once or twice during the admin side of my initial induction at Sutton, however it's only when he was working down the corridoor from me that I really got to know him. My office had a fair bit of banter with their office and over many practical jokes, after-work pub drinks and blu-tak figurines- we got to know each other, and I instantly knew I'd found a friend.
My instinct told me very early on that I would get on very well with L. He is open, warm, friendly, generous and forgiving. He has a genuine, kind heart and his support, patience and affection were my crutches during a difficult an emotional time in my life this year. I have confided in him, cried to him, shared hugs and many laughs and although I've not even known him a year, I would feel lost without him in my life.
He likes words- I like pictures. He calls me Sarahphim. He calls me bossy and says I have a temperament like the Incredible She-Hulk. He knows I can be grumpy, that I'm opinionated, challenging and headstrong, our views differ on many things, yet he's made me feel respected, loved, nurtured and less alone, at a time when I felt anything but.
I know in L, I have found a true friendship that I never ever want to lose.
To my best friend L, I love you more than you know and I thank you.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
Passive.
"Leaning over you
here, cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become…my perfect enemy…
Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say,
“You disappoint me,
”Maybe you’re better off this way"
APC
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become…my perfect enemy…
Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say,
“You disappoint me,
”Maybe you’re better off this way"
APC
Deflated.
There really isn't a limit on just how let down you can feel.
I'm contemplating being tougher, colder next year or at least appearing to be. Faking it and just hoping it will become reality.
Just when you think you're rid of someone from your life, they claw back one way or another. I'm now potentially going to have to cut out large portions of my life this year just to move on. Beginning to wish I'd never been moved to Sutton with work. Right now, I want to forget this year existed.
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Reflections on 2012 pt 2: N, Where I end and You Begin...
In January, I left home.
My home. It's almost indescribable how much I miss my house, and the walls where I encased my soul for a year. However, I wasn't happy there. At times it felt like a prison, and a place where I felt alone and unsupported by my partner of 8 years N.
I met N 10 years ago at University. We've had a tumultuous and stormy relationship from the outset but have carved a path through many trials and tribulations. N is my soul mate and best friend. I want to avoid cliches as they sound futile, however he is etched into my heart and always will be. I love him deeply and have been sadenned to see sides of him I once knew and loved become lost to his career.
He is driven and dedicated to his job. His career literally means the world to him, and whilst I love what I do and put my all into it, it is not where my heart and soul lies. I look to the arts, to friends, family and home life to make me happy and as we've grown into hard working adults our differing outlooks and priorities have become vastly apparant; to the extent where when I needed him most, when my Mum was diagnosed, I turned to find N largely pre-occupied with his job. Emotional needs weren't being met and I felt pressured into appearing happy at a time when all I felt was sad, lost, confused and angry at life.
I will always love N. A part of me longs desperately to go back to my old home, to N. But I fear too much has now changed. Everything I have mentioned in Reflections Pt 1 has happened without him- or with him in the distance. He has never been too far away, which right now I am very glad about. We've spoken every week, and met up like the old friends we used to be over the last few months. I miss how we were. I miss his companionship. It's important to remember that amidst the stress and anger that engulfed is this time last year, that our relationship has been filled with laughing, closeness and a bond that can't be put into paragraphs in a blog. He knows me. Inside out. All of me, my good parts, bad parts, all my flaws laid bare, and he still loves me for them... sometimes though, I fear he misinterprets my expressionist side and misunderstands my needs.
We've both had time. I've learnt a lot this year, both about myself and the situation I found myself in. I have a new appreciation for what I had, for N and what he provided for me, but I've also grown and learnt a lesson in independence which has made me feel strengthened from within.
I honestly don't know what next year holds for N and I. Next year I will have to find my own place to live. There's fear of more unknowns, but I feel equipped to cope. I have no idea if what I am writing is a beginning or an ending; a prelude or an epilogue, whatever it is though, it's been a part of a chaotic and emotive 2012 that I won't forget.
My home. It's almost indescribable how much I miss my house, and the walls where I encased my soul for a year. However, I wasn't happy there. At times it felt like a prison, and a place where I felt alone and unsupported by my partner of 8 years N.
I met N 10 years ago at University. We've had a tumultuous and stormy relationship from the outset but have carved a path through many trials and tribulations. N is my soul mate and best friend. I want to avoid cliches as they sound futile, however he is etched into my heart and always will be. I love him deeply and have been sadenned to see sides of him I once knew and loved become lost to his career.
He is driven and dedicated to his job. His career literally means the world to him, and whilst I love what I do and put my all into it, it is not where my heart and soul lies. I look to the arts, to friends, family and home life to make me happy and as we've grown into hard working adults our differing outlooks and priorities have become vastly apparant; to the extent where when I needed him most, when my Mum was diagnosed, I turned to find N largely pre-occupied with his job. Emotional needs weren't being met and I felt pressured into appearing happy at a time when all I felt was sad, lost, confused and angry at life.
I will always love N. A part of me longs desperately to go back to my old home, to N. But I fear too much has now changed. Everything I have mentioned in Reflections Pt 1 has happened without him- or with him in the distance. He has never been too far away, which right now I am very glad about. We've spoken every week, and met up like the old friends we used to be over the last few months. I miss how we were. I miss his companionship. It's important to remember that amidst the stress and anger that engulfed is this time last year, that our relationship has been filled with laughing, closeness and a bond that can't be put into paragraphs in a blog. He knows me. Inside out. All of me, my good parts, bad parts, all my flaws laid bare, and he still loves me for them... sometimes though, I fear he misinterprets my expressionist side and misunderstands my needs.
We've both had time. I've learnt a lot this year, both about myself and the situation I found myself in. I have a new appreciation for what I had, for N and what he provided for me, but I've also grown and learnt a lesson in independence which has made me feel strengthened from within.
I honestly don't know what next year holds for N and I. Next year I will have to find my own place to live. There's fear of more unknowns, but I feel equipped to cope. I have no idea if what I am writing is a beginning or an ending; a prelude or an epilogue, whatever it is though, it's been a part of a chaotic and emotive 2012 that I won't forget.
An Interjection: The Fear
FINALLY. A decent drama series written by someone who actually cares about film.
I saw the ad for this last week and having loved the films NEDS and Tyrannosaur I was immediately intrigued by the fact this starred the same actor- Peter Mullan, in a similar role.
The first episode aired last night and I was immediately impressed with the camera work, compositions and analogies used to create the uneasy atmosphere. Coastal erosion, regeneration of an old pier, the sea, soceital breakdown and the invasion of a criminal gang are all used as motifs echoing the graual loss of the central characters mind to dementia.
I'm gripped. I just hope the remaining three episodes live up to my expectations and continue to inspire.
Faith restored in story telling on TV. :-)
I saw the ad for this last week and having loved the films NEDS and Tyrannosaur I was immediately intrigued by the fact this starred the same actor- Peter Mullan, in a similar role.
The first episode aired last night and I was immediately impressed with the camera work, compositions and analogies used to create the uneasy atmosphere. Coastal erosion, regeneration of an old pier, the sea, soceital breakdown and the invasion of a criminal gang are all used as motifs echoing the graual loss of the central characters mind to dementia.
I'm gripped. I just hope the remaining three episodes live up to my expectations and continue to inspire.
Faith restored in story telling on TV. :-)
Monday, December 03, 2012
Reflections on 2012 part 1.
The year is drawing to a close.
I started off 2012 having left my best friend and partner of 8 years*, my home, alot of my belongings and the place where my heart and soul had resided for a year, impressing its gentle watermarks into the walls, surfaces and ambiance of each room. My mum was recovering from her breast cancer surgery, and my job was once again potentially under threat at a place where I'd found many friends and felt like one of the family.
Everything felt upside down. I was exhausted and mostly in tatters and about this time last year I had already decided that something had to change.
By January, I was back at my parents home, sleeping in a cold, back room of the house on a sofa bed. I started looking around for other jobs around this time too. By March, I was getting interviews for new jobs and after a few successful ones and two job offers I opted for a new job in Walsall, a promotion, and all round challenge. It was to be my second huge step into the unknown so early on into the year and despite the fears and conflictions I seized the opportunity as a new start.
During these months of interviews and CV's an job spiel, two things happened- I learnt how to juggle (!) and I met L* who was working down the coridoor in a temporary office. L has become my biggest smile of 2012. In him, I have found a true best friend for life and I owe him an awful lot for his stoic support, kind words and encouragement over the year. I love him dearly and hope I never ever lose his friendship.
In contrast, during this time I met a second person who would be my biggest mistake of the year. I also thought, this person- who I won't even grace with an initial, would be a true friend. I shared a great deal with them and, perhaps mislead by the sadness and instability in my life at the time, I leant on them for support. Instead, my trust was betrayed and I got caught up in bitter mind games resulting in nothing but let down, hurt and confusion.
I started my new job at the end of April.* The timing couldn't have been better as I needed to get away from the pressure cooker of friend-politics that had been building. After three years communting by train, I had to step away from time tables, platforms, reading newspapers and books in a carriage and healthy, brisk walks- and swap it for a 25 minute commute of sitting still staring at a road surface. I felt lost, stepping away from the comforts of my good friends, my work family who I had loved seeing daily- into a cold, old building in a very different area of the West Midlands. At a time where I craved stability and order, I found the transition hard but was relieved to find that my new working team was friendly and welcoming.
Resolution 1: Be more active.
Despite my friendly team, the job itself has brought about a new perspective of policing, people, culture and criminality. Instead of working on the peripheries of policing in a supportive role, I've learnt an awful lot from being thrust into the thick of actual police work. It's opened my eyes and altered some of my opions, and this in turn has added to my angst and fury at this odeous, bile-inducing- Government's policies. It's left me very resentful, as I'm sure regular blog readers will already know with many of my posts this year taking on a political rant tone in utter disgust at some of the unjustified impositions this Tory government has created.
Resolution 2: Be less angry.
May saw the birth of my little neice- Natalie*; another small blossom of newness, hope and smiles in an otherwise tumultuous and rocky time.
In late July, early August, our family cat Oscar had to be put down*. He was a friendly, clumsy, 14 year old black and white cat who had seemed well up until the week before his death. He had a deteriorating heart condition due to his age. I'm glad that I was with him when he was put to sleep. I held him, stroked his head as his eyes closed, and kissed him goodbye with a thank you for his life in our family home. He's left a small hole. Our remaining cat, Phoebe misses him, and she has been changed by his absence. She seems lost sometimes, and anxious of being alone- something I can very much relate to this year. I miss him too.
Living back at the family home after almost ten years of independence hasn't come easy. It's had an impact on my family relationships, some of which I will discuss later*.
My creativity hasn't gone by the wayside this year either. It's been a busy, chaotic year but I've managed to find time to complete some sculpture projects amidst it all. I think one of my resolutions next year will be to make more time for creative projects. That means more photo's. More clay. And learning a new skill.
Resolution 3: Be more creative.
My main trip of the year was my visit to Brugge with N. It was a beautiful place and it was great taking photographs, breathing clean air into my lungs, and just experiencing being somewhere so quaintly, stunning. Whilst I don't think the two of us felt completely relaxed, images and sights will remain alive in my memory with fondness and warmth. Highlights included a fantastic Dali exhibition, and seeing works by Miro and Picasso in smaller exhibitions there. I also really want to go back to Brussels next year for a weekend and spend time visiting the many art galleries and museums as we only dropped by for a couple of hours on our way home.
Fast track a couple of months and I feel more settled in my job. My team friendships grow almost daily, and I feel that each passing week brings me closer into the fold. I am aware that my job will only be for another 12 months, but I'll try and make the most of being where I am for the time being; gathering as much training and knowledge as I can ready for my next step and challenge. As the year closes, I'm starting to miss my home again. Whilst I have much to be grateful for, I still have things to aim for, things I need in my life in order to feel whole again. I've entertained the thought that perhaps that bit of emptiness is okay,that it may always remain and that all I actually need to do is learn to appreciate and step back; to make more time for the things I enjoy, to laugh more and spend time with people I care about and who care about me. This year has taught me all those things are vital and while I'm entering the christmas period feeling wary of sadness- at a time where everyone turns to family and I'm still not sure where I belong- I'm also hopeful that what I've learnt this year will help me make better decisions and be a better person.
Truth be told, I was dreading this christmas away from home, away from a loving partner, and looking back on the difficulties of the year. But, my brother, his wife and my little neice will be joining the family Christmas this year for the first time and I hope that it will be special for that alone.
I'm going to be diving into some of the topics I've discussed here in more detail in the run up to Christmas.*
Resolution 4: Blog more.
I started off 2012 having left my best friend and partner of 8 years*, my home, alot of my belongings and the place where my heart and soul had resided for a year, impressing its gentle watermarks into the walls, surfaces and ambiance of each room. My mum was recovering from her breast cancer surgery, and my job was once again potentially under threat at a place where I'd found many friends and felt like one of the family.
Everything felt upside down. I was exhausted and mostly in tatters and about this time last year I had already decided that something had to change.
By January, I was back at my parents home, sleeping in a cold, back room of the house on a sofa bed. I started looking around for other jobs around this time too. By March, I was getting interviews for new jobs and after a few successful ones and two job offers I opted for a new job in Walsall, a promotion, and all round challenge. It was to be my second huge step into the unknown so early on into the year and despite the fears and conflictions I seized the opportunity as a new start.
During these months of interviews and CV's an job spiel, two things happened- I learnt how to juggle (!) and I met L* who was working down the coridoor in a temporary office. L has become my biggest smile of 2012. In him, I have found a true best friend for life and I owe him an awful lot for his stoic support, kind words and encouragement over the year. I love him dearly and hope I never ever lose his friendship.
In contrast, during this time I met a second person who would be my biggest mistake of the year. I also thought, this person- who I won't even grace with an initial, would be a true friend. I shared a great deal with them and, perhaps mislead by the sadness and instability in my life at the time, I leant on them for support. Instead, my trust was betrayed and I got caught up in bitter mind games resulting in nothing but let down, hurt and confusion.
I started my new job at the end of April.* The timing couldn't have been better as I needed to get away from the pressure cooker of friend-politics that had been building. After three years communting by train, I had to step away from time tables, platforms, reading newspapers and books in a carriage and healthy, brisk walks- and swap it for a 25 minute commute of sitting still staring at a road surface. I felt lost, stepping away from the comforts of my good friends, my work family who I had loved seeing daily- into a cold, old building in a very different area of the West Midlands. At a time where I craved stability and order, I found the transition hard but was relieved to find that my new working team was friendly and welcoming.
Resolution 1: Be more active.
Despite my friendly team, the job itself has brought about a new perspective of policing, people, culture and criminality. Instead of working on the peripheries of policing in a supportive role, I've learnt an awful lot from being thrust into the thick of actual police work. It's opened my eyes and altered some of my opions, and this in turn has added to my angst and fury at this odeous, bile-inducing- Government's policies. It's left me very resentful, as I'm sure regular blog readers will already know with many of my posts this year taking on a political rant tone in utter disgust at some of the unjustified impositions this Tory government has created.
Resolution 2: Be less angry.
May saw the birth of my little neice- Natalie*; another small blossom of newness, hope and smiles in an otherwise tumultuous and rocky time.
In late July, early August, our family cat Oscar had to be put down*. He was a friendly, clumsy, 14 year old black and white cat who had seemed well up until the week before his death. He had a deteriorating heart condition due to his age. I'm glad that I was with him when he was put to sleep. I held him, stroked his head as his eyes closed, and kissed him goodbye with a thank you for his life in our family home. He's left a small hole. Our remaining cat, Phoebe misses him, and she has been changed by his absence. She seems lost sometimes, and anxious of being alone- something I can very much relate to this year. I miss him too.
Living back at the family home after almost ten years of independence hasn't come easy. It's had an impact on my family relationships, some of which I will discuss later*.
My creativity hasn't gone by the wayside this year either. It's been a busy, chaotic year but I've managed to find time to complete some sculpture projects amidst it all. I think one of my resolutions next year will be to make more time for creative projects. That means more photo's. More clay. And learning a new skill.
Resolution 3: Be more creative.
My main trip of the year was my visit to Brugge with N. It was a beautiful place and it was great taking photographs, breathing clean air into my lungs, and just experiencing being somewhere so quaintly, stunning. Whilst I don't think the two of us felt completely relaxed, images and sights will remain alive in my memory with fondness and warmth. Highlights included a fantastic Dali exhibition, and seeing works by Miro and Picasso in smaller exhibitions there. I also really want to go back to Brussels next year for a weekend and spend time visiting the many art galleries and museums as we only dropped by for a couple of hours on our way home.
Fast track a couple of months and I feel more settled in my job. My team friendships grow almost daily, and I feel that each passing week brings me closer into the fold. I am aware that my job will only be for another 12 months, but I'll try and make the most of being where I am for the time being; gathering as much training and knowledge as I can ready for my next step and challenge. As the year closes, I'm starting to miss my home again. Whilst I have much to be grateful for, I still have things to aim for, things I need in my life in order to feel whole again. I've entertained the thought that perhaps that bit of emptiness is okay,that it may always remain and that all I actually need to do is learn to appreciate and step back; to make more time for the things I enjoy, to laugh more and spend time with people I care about and who care about me. This year has taught me all those things are vital and while I'm entering the christmas period feeling wary of sadness- at a time where everyone turns to family and I'm still not sure where I belong- I'm also hopeful that what I've learnt this year will help me make better decisions and be a better person.
Truth be told, I was dreading this christmas away from home, away from a loving partner, and looking back on the difficulties of the year. But, my brother, his wife and my little neice will be joining the family Christmas this year for the first time and I hope that it will be special for that alone.
I'm going to be diving into some of the topics I've discussed here in more detail in the run up to Christmas.*
Resolution 4: Blog more.
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