Chest Pain.

I am not happy at the moment.

I have been trying very hard not to give in to the stress- but it's hard.

Too much going on at once.

One person's selfishness is astounding me right now.

If I could fly away, out of here... right now, I would. Without a second thought.

Additional Resolutions...

• Stop walking down/up the stairs in the pitch black!

Wanting Things. New Books. And Derren Brown

I want to do stuff this year. And suddenly there seems to be alot to do/see this year. The main one's I'm keen on are:

• Going to Download
• Going to see Matilda
• Going to see Warhorse
• Going to see Derren Brown's new show

I'm overdosing on Derren Brown at the moment. The show I saw last May was televised last night. I bought his new book yesterday half price in the Waterstones sale, which prompted a little natter with the guy at the till about him. And this weekend, there's a whole Derren Brown night on channel 4. Total Derren overdose. It's a bit worrying... he might be trying to get inside people's brains.

So along with my wanting things... I keep wanting things lately. Even though it's my birthday in a few months and I'm supposed to be saving, I bought four new books yesterday. FOUR. One as I've mentioned was Derrens' new one (which was a lovely big, but very light hardback book with red edged pages), One is called Room which is written from the perspective of a 5 year old boy who is kept in a room with his Mother (which I've wanted to read for a few weeks), One is Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aran Ralston (the 127 Hours guy, which I've wanted to read since two days ago when I saw the film) and since those last two were on a "3 for 2" offer I also bought Sister by Rosamund Lupton because I think I read a decent review of it in Metro recently.

I like getting new books. They're all nice and square and blocky in your hands and they smell nice. They always get manked up in my skull bag on my commute to work but for a few days when you start reading, they just feel all new and nice.

Anyways, I've started with Sister, only because my colleague wants to read it after me. I've so so missed having a book to read on the train home. It makes the journey absolutely fly by because for 40 minutes I just get completely absorbed elsewhere and before I know it... I'm home.

I shouldn't want things. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I think maybe I'm on a post-christmas, post- redundancy, post- having no money, new year -almost manic- wanting-things phase.

Other things I want at the moment:

• Electric Toothbrush
• New straighteners
• Heavy Red clothes- too pretty.
• Replacement VHS DVD's - I have a handful of VHS still (Remember those!?) and want to get them replaced on dvd.
• New writing paper. I actually bought some of this on Amazon the other day but it hasn't arrived yet.
• New job
• Money
• House

127 Hours.

It takes something special to get my bum on a cinema seat these days. Unless I have a good feeling about a film I rarely go to the cinema. Prices are pretty ridiculous these days so I only usually go to the cinema if it's something I really suspect I'm going to like or I know I'm going to love (Lookin' at you there Tim Burton/Johnny Depp).

On Wednesday I went to see a preview screening of 127 Hours.

I'm not a mahooosive fan of Danny Boyle but he can sometimes do a good job. I was really impressed with this offering however. Yeah I guess the fact that the beautiful James Franco was the main star was probably the biggest pull for me to watch this film- but I'm really glad I went because as a piece of cinema, it's pretty awesome in parts.

It does a brilliant job of capturing the feelings of discomfort and pain during "the" big moment that everyone is waiting for. It's handled very cleverly, and you can visibly see everyones senses being heightened and stretched by the scenes tense, edgy, spikey sounds and the glossy, fleshy, redness of the visuals. The whole cinema squirms with discomfort, more so for the fact that you are trying to comprehend that this was reality for someone, this actually happened. It's amazing.

Unless you hate blood, go see it. Sit back and just enjoy the sensory ride. And the beauty of Franco's face- even when he's meant to look like shit, he still looks pretty hot. He's actually awesome in the film. I've never been too impressed with his acting in previous films, but he really really shines in this one. He seems to have really matured as an actor and it seems this challenge could be a big turning point in his career.

Resolutions.

1. Get a new job. Embrace change.

2. Keep in touch with friends better.

3. Watch more movies. Stop being a movie snob and give some films a go even if they don't look awesome.

4. Stop feeling old.

5. Stop calling myself ugly.

6. Go to more gigs, concerts and if possible Download this year.

All Change Please.

Another christmas just shot past at breakneck speed! I've had a very chilled Christmas with family and friends and I fully intend to make the most of the rest of my week off.

It all gets serious from now onwards.

First up for 2011 is a new job. Since I got screwed over by the Facist party in charge, I need to get my bum in gear and start some thorough weekly job searching. I have until March.

Another interesting change could be on the horizon... but as things stand I don't want to jinx it just yet by blogging about it because technically it's not quite a done deal yet.

It's all change for 2011.

2010 in BlogWords.

I yoinked this from Miss P because I thought it was cool. :-D

Speedy Weekend.

I've spent today customising some toys for Christmas. It's so nice to be in my studio with my music blaring, doing something creative again.

Tomorrow... Job hunting. Thanks very much you Tory Fascists.

Guess What?

I now tweet.

I am SO down with the kids.

Slink Inked.

So last Monday, I paid someone some of my hard earned squids to stick an inky needle in my back. Loads. It hurt at times but I'm really pleased with the result. I was even commended on my bravery by two of the tatooists... especially for a first timer like me, but credit has to be given to my good friend Mark for coming with me for support and talking to me for an hour to keep my mind off things.



It's healing nicely and I have to go back in 3 weeks to have a check up and a touch up if required. Woop.

Chillaxxxxxed.

Aside from the evil Nazi Pope who is currently worming his way round my country...

... I am having a nice day. That is all. :-)

... And relax.

So, after six weeks it looks like my time working weekends at the studio is coming to a close. I can't wait to see the final result and will be sure to post a link to it as soon as one becomes available. So. Excited.

The working weekends malarky was starting to get to me. I've been quite tired and achey this last week so the return of my weekends is a welcome one. However, I'm going to miss the studio and having such a great creative outlet. It's been so nice surrounded by likeminded, creative people again. I realise just how much I miss the company of creatives.

Still, bills still have to be paid. Once I get my full energy restored I want to set to work on some experimental/practice model making projects. Hopefully involving making some pirates. Why I have never done this before I have no idea since Pirate-ness is so ingrained in my life and has been for many many years. See the great Pirate Investigation for more information.

I have a few other possibile bloggable events going on in the foreseeable future so fingers crossed that all good stuff happens to me. :-)

Post Holiday Holiday Post.

I spent last week in Scotland with family. After working almost two weeks solid without weekends I was desperately in need of some R&R. I feel so much better; replenished. I spent this morning transferring my photo's from my SLR to my computer and I'm pretty happy with the results of most. The odd one or two needed a bit of a touch up where I got the exposure completely wrong for the lens filter I was using but hey, that's what photoshop is for! I facebooked the best ones but I think this one is my favorite.




I need to find a web space to start hosting my photographs. I used to host them all on a website called photobloggers.net which wierdly vanished one day along with all my pictures I presume. I've never quite found a photo site as good with a decent layout, tagging and organisational structure like that one had. Plus, uploading the gazillion photographs I've accumulated since then is a task I know I'll never get the time to actually do.

I have today and tomorrow before I have to go back to the rat race so I'm going to spend that time ironing the mountain of laundry I brought back, writing a few letters, eating scottish fudge and finishing off my book: The Girl Who Played With Fire by Steig Larsson. I have my eye on a few new cds's too but I need to wait until I get paid in a weeks time for those. Patience is a virtue and all that nonesense.

Little Things.

Some little things that have made me smile today:

• I know he was trying to sell something but still... " Need any flowers Gorgeous?". Thank you Mr Flower Seller.
• A cheeky wink by the tall maintenance man across the corridoor.
• Finding a stain on a train seat which looked like a dinosaur. I was too self conscious to take a photo dammit. Regret of the day.
• Hearing my Grandad telling me he was bored from his hospital bed. At least he's okay.
• The thought of my new handbag arriving tomorrow.

CRANK IT.

Currently listening to: Naked by Reef.

I am in my studio. Sculpting. Or I will be when I finish blogging.

Good Music. Fishfingers in my belly. Sculpting hands at the ready. More sculpting projects in the next month or two.

Feeling better already.

Mood: Don't ask.

I feel stupid.

That is all.

Mood: Rotten.

I feel weak, tired, lonely and annoyed today.

So much so that I can't even write about it. I need an uplift.

An apology and a hug would be enough.

Things to Think About Instead of Redundancy.

1. I wish I had my own cat. But then it couldn't possibly be as cool as my other two family cats could it? No way.

2. I am going to see Tim Minchin in December. Could be jobless by then so will need the laughs... doh!

3. After reading books about the Taliban, Nazi's and Mugabe I was leant PS. I Love You by a colleague at work. The pale blue and pink cover immediately put me off but I perservered and whilst the ending wasn't as sickly sweet as I predicted... it was all still a bit rubbish. I'm now reading a story based around a suicide and illegal immigrants and I'm already enjoying it far far more.

4. I also have queued up to read: Richard Dawkins- The Greatest Show on Earth and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

5. The word Queued is really weird. But then most words are when you look at them long enough.

6. I had groceries delivered from from Ocado today. My driver was called Rex and he drove a purple cabbage van. I was very impressed despite buying the worlds biggest bag of pasta by accident.

7. I really need a hair cut. And a new bag. Well actually I don't really really need a new bag... but I do want one.

8. I dressed like a gypsy pirate on Sunday. I think I looked wicked cool. I wore my new octopus necklace.

9. I love clouds.

Ace.

So, England are through. They made scraping through the first round pretty hard work. Goons.
I have FOUR. Cound 'em 1, 2, 3, 4 days off work now. I walked home in the Sunshine feeling pretty good. Sat down with a moments disappointment when I realised I missed Andy Roddick's match on tv... but then felt better once I realised there was an equally fit guy playing Federer on the other channel. Score.

I'm currently watching an epic 45 game fifth set with two players who are clearly more machine than human. One of the players, Inser I think his name is, his head is way too small for his huge, elongated body. He looks stretched and wierd and for that reason alone I don't want him to win.

I think I found a gland in my chinese tonight. It was orange, with smooth black shapes inside. It looked like a gland. It smelt like a gland. And there was no way in HELL it was going anywhere near my mouth.

I am looking forward to a well earnt lie in tomorrow. I've been waiting to catch up on this sleep for months. When I do finally wake up... I have a mammoth house clean/chore fest to look forward to. *groan*.

Derren still hasn't called. The marriage might be off.

Parcels.

I love parcels.

I have a very special friend, L, who recently sent me a parcel to cheer me up. She sent me camomile tea, bath bubbles, some hair treats, a candle and an oil burner all wrapped up in a lovely purple tissue paper package. All because I was feeling blue. :-)

I'm still waiting to hear from Derren.

ENIGMA.

I went to see Derren Brown last night. I think I fell in love with him a little bit more than is normal. He blew. My. Mind. Well he would have done if I hadn't read his book and worked out how he did most of the stunts he pulled. Let's settle for he semi blew my mind.

First of all I need to admit to turning up on Thursday evening with a ticket for Friday night's performance. Some embarrassment was spared by realising BEFORE reaching the ticket collectors and calmly making an exit without drawing too much attention. Then, yesterday evening I struggled to get home in time from work so I stayed in Birmingham and got there early. Because I got there so early N and I had our faces photographed and our names taken down by some guy working for the show. This immediately made us nervous.

So along comes a game of "Guess Whom?" in the first half of the performance. A photo of yours truly being held in Derren Brown's very hand while our names were read out. There was about 20 of us altogether and I was fortunately NOT picked on for looking like a total dork in my photo. I also like to think he paused for a second on reading my name... possibly taking in the image of his future wife- he'd know of course being a master of prediction. His audience particpators had to pick a person from the photo's and Derren guessed who they had chosen through a series of questions which the audience member answered silently in their heads. Obviously Derren already knew who they were going to pick but it all makes for a great show. :-)

I worked out how a few of the more magic-trick- based stunts were done... but as for the mind/prediction/nothing-is-random based stuff- that's what blows me away. If I ever win a billion on the lottery I'm going to pay him to teach me everything he knows so that I can take over the world. It's hard to believe that as much as we like to think everything we do is free choice, a scary amount of everything we do can be controlled, influenced and easily predicted by intellectual, borderline obsessive experts.

The ending was phenomenal. He truly is a master of his art.

LOVED IT.

Hellish Week.

I had a mini break down this week. Worse still... this mini break down was at work. At my desk.

In the space of a few short months I have...

... had a few niggly health issues,
... bagged myself a promotion,
... been told our jobs will be under review at some point in the near future,
... commenced training for my new job which has been REALLY hard and stressful aswell as doing late duty all week.

So consequently, the day I made a silly mistake on my first day "flying solo"... I cried at work. I couldn't stop it. It just happened. I feel completely stupid about it but I guess it's been brewing up for a while.

To make up for such a horrible week, I got treated to dinner on Friday along with plenty of alcohol. I feel much better already.

I re-diddled my blog too today in the hope that I will post more. :-) I've also been pondering whether to start tweeting...

Sometimes...

... I think I'm actually going to explode.

Distraction.

I got distracted for 15 minutes today by a dead bee. I found it in my kitchen sink.

I've decided they look like tiny little buffalos with alien eyes and wings.

Pope? Nope.

Dear Mr "former"-Nazi Pope,

And I say "former" with trepidation.

You may receive a welcome from a proportion of our mostly welcoming country but I hope you know just how many people feel you don't deserve to step foot in our country.

You have let down Catholics the world over. You have let down innocent children in an unforgivable way and you still refuse to acknowledge the damage you caused. You protected yourselves, harboured and protected those committing the worst crimes on this Earth. You allowed this to happen and then protected those who did it, ignoring the victims. Ignoring everything you supposedly stand for.

I have always hated the outdated and bigoted views your faith seems to have but I am outraged at what you now stand for- lies, evil, abuse, corruption, bigoted views, hatred and judgement. I judge you on all these things. You are sick. You think you are above the law... you're not. You're just a man. Barely.

I wish you'd fuck off quite frankly. The world will keep spinning without the shit you pour out of your gold encrusted churches. Your faith is based on fear, self loathing and hatred of others. You are old and undeserving. I command a respect you haven't earned and will never be worthy of asking of ever again in my eyes.

You're not welcome here. I hope you know that. You're pissing people off, harming people and this damage is unrepairable. Part of me wants you and your cronies to keep coming out with your ludicrous accusations and stories; the more you do, the more we can point and say how shit you are, show you for what you are- nothing, with nothing good to say, nothing positive to share, just a great big empty space where your fucking brains may have once been. The other part however wants you to shut the hell up.

I have no respect for you or anything you have to say. Fuck you.


I joined the Protest the Pope campaign today. I hope I can take part in the demonstration in September.

If there wasn't people like Richard Dawkins and organisation's like the Secular or Humanist society I would actually exploded the other day. Mr Dawkins trying to get the Pope arrested just about restored my faith in intelligence.

I am SICK of the Catholic church. Not Catholic people, believe what you want to believe, I just choose to believe in humans, compassion, and science... just the Catholic Church, how it is organised, how it's corrupt to the core and the sick, demented things they like to brainwash into people. True enough, if people weren't dumb enough to believe it, or on the other hand if more Catholics actually shouted out against the bigoted, evil people speaking on their behalf then there would be some hope. I am SICK of it'd twisted, skewed views on just about everything and low and behold, the paedophile-protector is coming to England to ponce about our largely tolerant country and throw judgments around and offend people.... and I have to PAY for this privilege with my hard earned money?! I don't think so. If the pope really has to come here at all, and quite frankly, as a country with discrimination laws to protect people from this frankly out dated and completely fucked up faith, then I sure as heck am not paying for it.

Hypocrisy will make me explode one day. I am sure of it.