Letting Go.

Bad Things:

I've avoided posting this for a while.  The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest I've experienced for a very very long time.  I've managed to pull myself back together... or just about, and feel like I can move forward albeit tentatively.

N has been a big part of my life for the last decade.  We were together for eight years and even when I left two years ago we remained very close, still seeing each other regularly and spending time together when we could.  I never ever pictured my life without him, rightly or wrongly and continued to tell people who didn't understand how we remained so close, that he was my soulmate and always would be.

N has met someone now, and recently told me that there would be no chance of us recovering our past relationship and that it would be best if we no longer continued to stay in touch. Despite me knowing this could have been a reality, hearing it so bluntly threw me for six.  I was now faced with having to face the unknown of the rest of my life without my best friend. It hurt. A lot. It hurt that I was no longer considered irreplaceable in his life and that he had moved forward with out the need for me in his life.  I think it hurt an awful lot more than I ever thought it would, but then I'd never really let myself think about it.  For a good two weeks I was pretty broken, feeling like the world had been turned upside down and left fighting the dark, this in the first two weeks of my new job too.  Stress. It's been awful.  I stopped eating and sleeping and basically drifted along in a state of misery for two weeks.  My new job was stressful and I was missing my friends and colleagues hugely... I still do.

Good things:

But I'm back.  It is what it is, and whilst it hurt a great deal it's important that I keep plodding on.  It's scary, but I've realised just how great my family and friends have been in supporting me.

I face a long road alone now... and whilst that scares me it's important that I get used to my own company and learn to live without the friends I've come to rely on.  Obviously they will be there, but they all have their own lives and I need to shape mine be that on my own or with someone I may meet in the future.  I think for my sake I need to try and get used to the fact that I may not have the happy partner, wedding, the marriage, kids and house ... but it's important I make the most of what I have not what I don't.  I'm in my thirtees, I know who I am and what I want.  If people have a problem with it they can and will walk away... I won't be chasing after them.  If I can't find a companion and soulmate then so be it... but I'm determined to be happier than I feel now.  Alone or otherwise.

I went to a Tarot night on Friday.  My cards were brilliant... They showed my present - a big argument, losing a loved one, letting go. They showed security and success in my job with a possible further promotion at some point.  It warned me to steer clear of a person connected to work who is two faced.  I know who this was. It also told me there was a man coming into my life soon, it said I was going away shortly (to Belgium later this month) and that I needed to not hang on to the past anymore.  It all makes sense... and no matter what people's thoughts are on the topic, I felt like it was all very relevant.  I also spoke to a "psychic" man who asked me without any prompting what who the man with the dry hands was (this is N who had dermatitis!) and said that I was missing him. He also told me about a man with epaulettes, built frame who I should be wary of.  This matched up with my cards warning me about the person at work. It was all a bit of fun... not sure I was convinced by the psychic guy's talents although he did ask some questions and picked up that I made things in great detail (my sculpting) and that I recently had a problem with my cars brakes which was odd considering I'd never spoken to him before! He said he could picture me with a big car in the future and possibly with my own shop! :-D

I have a date tonight.  It's a bit of fun and I'm not expecting it to go anywhere but it'll get me back into the dating scene and get used to meeting new people again.  Who knows.

I have the Belgian GP also in a few weeks. I was meant to be going with N but I am now going with my dear Becko so it should still be a fun little adventure. 

I have a mini reunion next weekend with uni chums for the fabulous Mrs P's birthday. This will be bittersweet as it will be my first meeting with N since everything.  We won't have had any contact for nearly three weeks.  I'm not sure how I will feel, made tougher by the fact I will be the only single person there, but I just need to be strong and try and enjoy seeing friends who I don't get to see often, in a city I love, in our old haunts.

I have also booked tickets to the next BTCC event in Rockingham in early September so I have that to look forward to also! :)

I spent a good hour on Skype this morning with my neice, bro, sister in law and my folks who are over in Japan visiting.  She blew me bubbles and showed me her playdough desk and tools- she might be a budding little sculptor like me! She even blew me a kiss when I said goodbye... she is so precious and I can't wait to meet her again, hopefully in the next year or so.

I just need to keep smiling and remind myself often that everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Break.

Buckle Up.

What. A. Week.

Monday was my first day in my new job.  Talk about being thrown in at the deep end.  As is typical of my organisation I literally rocked up on my first day, nervous as hell and was handed some numbers and told to pretty much get on with it.  Fortunately there is another girl doing the same role who was equally as bewildered as I was.  When I was taken to my first meeting on Monday afternoon expecting to have prepared a report and be able to deliver it to the meeting, I pretty much felt like I'd made a massive mistake in leaving the comfort  and familiarity of my old team.  As it turned out, there had been a cock up and the meeting was actually scheduled for that morning so I managed to escape certain embarrassment by delivering to a meeting that I had NO idea about. 

Tuesday got worse, and I winded up emailing the Sgt who was overseeing the roll out of our jobs to different sectors to complain that we had effectively been left to do a job without any training or preparation.  It fell on deaf ears, and Tuesday night I got home and cried, wanting to re-apply for my old job.

However, I think the breakdown did me good and cleared my head a little.  Wednesday saw a slight improvement as I embraced the uncertainty and focussed on the good points of the role which include actually having just one job to focus on.  On Thursday I delivered to my first conference and the feedback was that I sounded professional and precise which was amazing considering how nervous I felt. 

I feel better about it... I think it will improve as I settle and feel more comfortable in the role.  I need a few more meetings under my belt to get me used to the way they work.  I know at some point there is going to be a confrontation due to the sensitive nature of the meeting, so that will be a new and challenging aspect to the role that I haven't experienced yet.  Can't say I'm looking forward to that aspect but it's part and parcel of the work and can only improve the skills I already have. 

The new job has been the sandwich filling nestled firmly between two large, soft and wonderfully tasty slices of awesomeness this week.  On Monday night I went to see Extreme, straight after work, and having had ZERO sleep.  Rock. AND. Roll.  Extreme's 90's hair metal classic album Pornograffiti is one of the albums of my childhood- and yes I am aware how inappropriate that sounds - however the music itself is amazing, cheesy as hell, but amazing-feel-good cheese which warms my soul.  I know every detail of the album inside out and one of my memories of it is playing it at my 7/8th birthday party much to the bemusement of my7/8 year old, flowery dress-adourned party invitees.  Awesome.  They were aging, but brilliant.  As a 25th anniversary tour of the album, they played the FULL thing in its entirety.  Nuno still looks FIT AS, despite approaching 50.  Brilliant, I honestly haven't felt as happy as I did when I was singing away to "Hole Hearted" and I pretty much think I was mesmerised at one point by Nuno's solo- skills. Unbelieveble.  And he makes it look so easy.

At the other end of the week - Friday night I went to see The Penguin Café Orchestra which again, is another childhood musical experience.  The music reminds me of my Dad, and brings back so many cherished and happy memories of sitting as a family in the lounge, chatting, laughing and listening to the music all together.  The concert was at The Lichfield Cathedral which couldn't have been a more acoustically perfect setting for the music.  It sounded beautiful and just made my soul feel content and relaxed and happy.  I'd seen them once before, and possibly preferred their first offering in terms of content, however I love how the guy who now runs the orchestra is the son of the original founding member, and he recalls how the music relates to his childhood from the time when I too remember first hearing it all.  The parallels are as wonderfully fitting to me as the music is to it's own individual themes and concepts. 

After such an emotionally charged and stressful week I've taken this weekend off any sculpture projects to recharge my batteries.  Saturday was spent catching up with my two besties, N and Markuus, at the Fuse festival in Lichfield which consisted of sitting in a field drinking strawberry cider in the sunshine and listening to a number of acoustic sets and some good old fashioned sea shanties.

Today I've come to Nottingham to see family as I've spent so many of the last few weekends working on sculptures and commissions that I've not seen my Grandparents in months.  Time is precious, and so I've ensured today is spent in their company.  A roast is being prepared, and I look forward to spending an hour or two round the dinner table listening to my Grandad recount old stories and tales from his past, many of which I've heard before... but that I love hearing again and again nonetheless.

:-) Happy.

Closing Time.

Well, I just finished my last day at work.  I've been dreading it to be honest.  Since my job was confirmed I've actually found it really hard to get excited about my new post- mainly because the reality of leaving my team, my friends, my family for the last three years, was just really quite painful.  Not a day has passed when I haven't laughed myself into oblivion at work, and I really will miss that the most.  I've genuinely not wanted to leave and I've even questioned if I've made the right move because of how much I've enjoyed my time there.  However, I need to remember the reasons I went for this, there were plenty of days I felt stressed and tired, and there's very limited room for growth in that post.  I'd mastered what I could and simply wasn't getting paid anything near enough for the time and energy I gave the role. 

I will miss my team so much but I'm well aware that having moved teams twice in the past, the mini heartache won't last long.  I shed a few tears today, as did a few others.

I had a lovely send off despite my Gaffa and Sarge not being around for it.  I had a nice little collection of pressies including a lovely necklace (below), Good Luck balloon, champers, bottle of Jack, choccies and a choc orange, plus a little bit of drinking money.

As sad as today has been, I actually feel better about the prospect of my new job now that the tears have passed.  I feel more ready and like I can actually focus on my new opportunity.  The commute will suck ass, and the banter *may* not be quite the depraved, debauched hilarity of the OMU, but I am sure my new team will become my new family and if they don't ... well then I can keep moving forwards.

Onwards and Upwards.  Bring on the new challenge...

Slumps.

I seem to lumber from one mound of stress to another these days!  I seem to have just come out of my last slump which I think I put mainly down to being ill for about two weeks.  I just felt rubbish... low, ugly, not confident, not myself, ill, tired, achey, tired of being ill and fed up of feeling lonely and inadequate and generally all round shit.  I like the warmer weather but I hate the insecurities it brings with my figure and ghostly white skin. However I'm starting to feel better despite pretty sad and anxious at leaving my lovely team in a weeks time and starting my new job. 

It's just speeding round now.  I'm gutted, genuinely gutted, to be leaving my team.  No more banter or crying from laughter... exchanging it for an hour long, traffic ridden commute and a serious albeit important and challenging job.  I'll embrace it, but I still incredibly sad and nervous about the whole situation.  Things are changing though in my current department and as such it will help that the office I'm leaving behind won't remain the same for long.  It won't be the office I know and love anyway, so that's something.

My sculpty commissions have been continuing to roll in.  I've completed two this month and have just started a third.  I have another two lined up after that to keep me occupied for another month. :)

I don't think I have much more in the way of news until I start my new job.  I'll have to make my leaving drinks pretty special and I might just buy myself a new dress for it. :)

Stars.

"Supernova," Erin Hanson

Sunshine on a Rainy Day.

Yikes.

 

It's been two whole weeks since I last blogged.  I honestly do not know where the time goes these days... ! Quite frightening.

 

Last weekend was kicked off in style with cocktails and a pricey but beautiful meal at Fumo in Brum with H and her friend Carly.  It was a brilliant evening with flowing cocktails, giggles and chat finishing off at our old haunt the Station on the way home.  We followed this up with more drinks there on Saturday night and a quick trip to another local to see a friends band.  Unfortunately this coincided with a big boxing match so there was an interesting crowd there to say the least.  Still, it was nice to spend a bit of time with H, like the olden days!

 

During the week I did some shameless self promoting on twitter for my sculpting work which is just going from strength to strength! I have four commissions lined up for this month which is just brilliant albeit scary wondering how I'm going to fit them all in with a new job round the corner!

 

This weekend has been fantastic: This Friday night I went to Marco Pierre Whites for a beautiful meal and some rather tasty cocktails. The Grasshopper which I had as my dessert replacement was to die for! Saturday, I intended to start one of my commissions and amazingly ended up completing it in one day! I was dead chuffed with it and have posted it off today already so I'll be nervously waiting for my client's response by the end of the week to make sure it a) got there in one piece and b) that she is happy with it!

 

I had been looking forward to Sunday for some time but was up early packing layers and rainproof clothing for a day at the Motor Racing- this time travelling to Oulton Park for the BTCC.  It turned out that there was actually very little rain, and glorious sunshine save for a monster of a downpour in the late afternoon which saw one of the most eagerly anticipated races being postponed. Oulton being a very fan-friendly track, we were able to position ourselves in a good slot right near the finish line and with the sun shining again after the freak mini-storm we had I managed to get my best shot of the day... showing Sheddon's Honda Yuasa Racing car speeding along a wet track, yet beautiful blue skies and glowing clouds as a backdrop. 

 

It was a brilliant day, good company, good crowds and great weather at a brilliant circuit. The only downside being the obligatory sunburnt nose and neck due to me completely mis-judging the weather!

 

BOOM II

Well... after another loooooooooong week... I got the call.  After waiting anxiously all day I got the news I had been waiting for.  I got the job! :-) I have no location yet but FINALLY I am going to be getting paid a decent amount and have a new role, a new challenge which uses my skills and all the knowledge I've built up. I am so chuffed. I will be gutted to leave such a great team of people; they've become my little family over the last two years and I'll miss the banter and laughs so much. BUT, it's got to happen sooner or later; things could have changed beyond my control anyway so at least this way I am leaving on MY terms to a promotion that I want and have worked for. It's a new challenge and a completely new role for the force so it's an exciting opportunity.

I am so pleased.  This week I've just got to keep my fingers crossed that my postings location is one that I've preferenced and get my leaving date confirmed, then it's all signed, sealed and delivered. Boom indeed.

It meant I could actually, properly relax this weekend and enjoy three days of chilling despite the rain.  I've had drinks, movies, good food and caught up with some chums. Exactly what the doctor ordered.

I also got to spend a few minutes on Sunday night watching my little niece open her presents on her second birthday. She said hello and smiled and waved at me.. then she opened her presents and seemed to take an interest in the bilingual books I had got her.  She can say a few English words now- Apple, Ball, T-Shirt and an interesting take on the word Thank you... but it was so precious to see her starting to use vocabulary in two languages the clever little monkey. I really hope I can get to see her next year. I need to get saving!

Smiles all round this weekend.  I've managed to catch up on some sleep and have started having some weird dreams lately about problems with my body, and then one last night about Pirates!

I feel really proud of myself - not something I say all that often - but I am.

Happy, happy times. :-)

Piggy.

Nine Inch Nails on Sunday night was, as expected, EPIC.  The gig was a more meaty than their Belfast gig last year.  It was less about playing the classics and crowd-pleasers and more about blowing minds.  If you were new to Nine Inch Nails (unlikely) I can imagine it was a bit of a baptism by fire.  It was unbelievable: perfect sound coupled with a blinding, awe-inspiring lighting performance and staging.  Favourites of the night were Disappointed, a brilliantly haunting version of Sanctified, The Great Destroyer (which is immense through decent earphones; practically hypnotic and made my heart race; gave me goosebumps live) and a superb Piggy.

 

 

 

I know I'm biased, because in my eyes (ears?) pretty much everything Trent Reznor touches turns to gold, however this music just feels like my insides; how my soul feels.  It's just fucking awesome. 

 

"Piggy"Hey pig,
Yeah you.

Hey pig, piggy, pig, pig, pig
All of my fears came true.
Black and blue and broken bones,
You left me here; I'm all alone.
My little piggy needed something new.

 Nothing can stop me now,
'Cause I don't care anymore.
Nothing can stop me now,
  'Cause I just don't care.

Hey pig,
Nothing's turning out the way I planned.
Hey pig,
There's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand.
What am I supposed to do? I lost my shit because of you. 

 

Nothing can stop me now,
'Cause I don't care anymore.
Nothing can stop me now,
  'Cause I just don't care.

 

Oh god. Perfect.

Love this.

Tremors by SOHN

Vibrations of tremors that shook long ago
Tear holes in the fabric of all that we know

Can’t survive with the secrets we have
All that we have is a lie
Hold the line
Til the thread comes undone
If you’re thinking of letting me go then it’s time that you do

Flood lines we etched when we merged into one
Rewind and scroll on before they were done

If you’re thinking of letting me go then it’s time that you do.
Vibrations of tremors that shook long ago...

Storm.

I feel good.

What a beautifully, refreshing day of laziness I've had.

It's been warm... the sun has tried to nudge it's way through the clouds. It's close, humid, like there is a storm bubbling... or maybe that's residual energy from last night's bizarre conversations.

I had an apology yesterday. 

Unexpected and out of the blue. 

This has happened twice to me in the last two years... the former was perhaps more necessary than the latter... but at least it came. It's small... sometimes a bit insignificant but it helps to know that I'm not completely crazy and people are capable of self awareness.

I've surprised myself by accepting both.  I can be pretty hateful when hurt.  Time passes and you realise you are better off anyway, but an apology is still welcome from some.

I wish these people well- genuinely- despite them playing no further part in my life.

People are in your past for a reason. 

More so if you're a lying, manipulative, egotistical, illogical, unapologetic c*nt who deserves nothing but disdain.  Your word dear- it is, I must say, perfect.  May it echo in your shallow brain for eternity. I wish you nothing. You deserve it;  Fucking people about, lying wherever you go and being proud of it... you have bigger problems than you will ever realise.  Good luck to whoever you're currently conning into believing you're a decent human being.  Undoubtedly the most regrettable person I have ever trusted and thought I knew... I still remain shocked at just how incredibly wrong I was.  Almost a year since we spoke... a letter that will never get read... will now burn.

What goes around comes around.

I am better, stronger, sharper, greater.  I am in a good place right now.  Refreshed after an intense, stressy month all I needed was one day to catch up on sleep, rest my head and focus. An apology from someone who means little to me now, but still cared enough to say it.  Closure.

Good things are happening for me... changes are coming... and I am excited...

Flop.

Aaaannd relax.

Three weeks.  THREE. WEEKS. of interviews is finally over.  Interview 3 went... ok.  After the last debacle I am finding it hard to judge.  But it was neither great nor terrible.  The weeks of prep work, studying, reading reams and reams of documents, guidance, policies and revising various law acts went COMPLETELY to waste as I wasn't asked ONCE what I did to prepare!!! Gutted.  Since I got out I've grown more and more aware of all the missed opportunities that I could have weaved all that prep work into my answers and pushed my hard work more... but really it would have been taking it all off track and not kept my answers focussed on the question... ugh it's hard. 

Either way, it's over now and all I can do is sit and wait. No actually... sit and RELAX and wait.

The last seven weeks have been ridiculous. Four of them running the office by myself, the latter three being taken up with interviews and squeezing in a cake topper for good measure. Stressy. But it's all over... this weekend I have FOUR days off with no interview prep, no cake topper to finish... it's ALL me time and I intend to enjoy EVERY minute of it.  I can also get back into the gym which I've been neglecting lately and man I can really tell.

To make it even more immense... Sunday is NINE INCH NAILS time. Holy. Shit.

BOOM!

Yikes. Where to start?!

Friday couldn't come soon enough last week; the week seemed to go on forever after my first okay interview and the one from hell... I just wanted the three day weekend to come so I could relax... well kindof.

I pretty much wished most of Friday away hoping that the phonecall turning me down for the job position was over quickly so I could forget about it over the weekend.  I had already made up my mind about the first job and was prepared to turn it down on the basis that it was (wrongly) less money.  The second one, I just wanted to get the dreaded feedback and forget the whole thing.

What I wasn't expecting as my phone conveniently rang as I parked up at Sainsbugs on my way home on Friday, was for them to offer me the job!??! This was met by .... "er what?" as I tried to compute how they could possibly have cruelly got the wrong phone number to call for the job offer?! I've avoided even posting about it because the whole experience was just awful... consisting of analysing a case study for ten minutes, then getting an hour to produce a presentation and then present it to the interview panel in ten minutes.  This was immediately followed by 5/6 challenging interview questions.  I was a bit overwhelmed with the case study; ten minutes not being long enough for me to process the pages of intell logs, crime reports and offender profiles.  I managed to string some semblance of an inference together with some recommendations but my presentation wasn't slick or structured and I rushed through it with minutes to spare. The mess up through me and I felt flustered through the interview in which I stupidly managed to end up discussing my main weakness in relation to the post (!? I mean really?! ) before finally leaving knowing I had been completely out of my depth. It was awful.

Clearly they disagreed! I was absolutely stunned and remain pretty puzzled as to how on EARTH I got offered it. I'd told everyone who asked during the week that unless no one else showed up I had ZERO chance at the job! The only thing comforting me was the fact that I had one more interview pending... the one I really want- Job C.

On Friday, I also got confirmation that I had passed the paper sift and would be given an interview date in the next couple of weeks. I've had to inform Job B about Job C, and he's kindly waiting until I get a date for the interview.  I just hope it isn't AAGES away as I don't want to keep them waiting too long for an answer.

Fingers crossed... and hopefully I can avoid any further magpies for this upcoming interview.  But, at least, if I don't get it, I have a really good job offer as a back up plan with a slightly smaller pay increase, but lots of potential and intrigue all the same. Big smiles.

I kept my good news quiet for that evening, as it was my Dad's birthday meal and I didn't want to detract from his birthday outing.  We went to a newly refurbished restaurant nearby called the Trooper which specialised in Longhorn Steaks. I opted for scallops and a tasty sea bass but the highlight was the dessert... My sister and I shared a chocolate stuffed crust pizza with a berry compote and hot chocolate sauce topping with melted marshmallows.  The tension built as we watched it get prepared and put into the Roman stone oven and I held my camera phone in anticipation of it arriving before us on the table.  Sadly, it lacked on visual presentation looking like a large, ugly cowpat but OH MY FREAKIN GOD the taste was IMMENSE.  It was by the far the most amazing pudding I have tasted in some time and I KNOW my puddings.  It was just delicious; oozing with warm, smooth, chocolate sauce and a light chocolate pizza dough base.  Perfection.

Saturday was spent sculpting; eagerly trying to finish my latest commission before my deadline next weekend.  Problems hit left, right and centre as I had major stability problems with both figures which I've only partially fixed.  I'm not happy with the arms either, struggling to fit the two together properly and having to bodge the arms a little bit at the back. These are all things that I need to resolve next weekend.

Sunday; N, Becko and her partner E, set off for a day hiking in the Peaks.  With perfect walking conditions (not too hot, but dry and overcast) we climbed three very steep hills; the challenge being getting down most of them rather than getting up! One was particularly steep on the slope down, with any semblance of gravelly pathways just turning to loose, marbles under your feet.  It was easier to grip on to the grass and just slowly edge your way down on all fours.  We were out from about 11.30 to 4.30 walking, exploring and absorbing the sights.  I got some brilliant photographs which probably still don't do justice to the views or the height.

A truly perfect day, aside from some annoying and uncomfortable tummy cramps. A day of fresh air, energy bars, leg muscles, landscapes and scrambling up and down steep slopes and across sweeping green fields.  Needless to say I slept like a baby that night!

Bank Holiday Monday was a slightly less energetic affair with me spending most of the day reading up on some interview prep documents, a bit of sculpting and washing little Franko.  Not very exciting I think you will agree, but all necessary tasks!

So with my weeks at my current job looking numbered, I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can.  Changes are coming... big ones... and all for the good.  :)

Now if I could just get rid of those magpies...

One for Sorrow...

Is it just me or has there been an increase in the number of Magpies?

The last two weeks, funnily enough around my interviews... I've seen loads of them; nearly always on their own.  Or could it be, that I'm just more aware of them?

It seems to have tailed off this week... but it's just weird. 

One for Sorrow
Two for Joy
Three for a girl
Four for a boy
Five for silver
Six for gold
Seven for a secret never to be told
Eight for a wish
Nine for a kiss
Ten for a surprise you won't want to miss
Eleven for health
Twelve for wealth
Thirteen beware, it's the devil himself.

And yeah, I HAVE seen thirteen at once.

Definitely some sorrow this week. MOST definitely some bad luck... though I wish I could solely blame the Magpie's for my shocking interview performance but sadly I think that was down to me and me only!

Apparently they mean different things all over the world... being lucky in some! Some countries say they can control the weather, some say that they bring death, others saying they bring good charms and good people into your life! But whilst I'm not especially superstitious about other things, I genuinely can't see a Magpie without greeting it properly to ward off the bad luck.

Having said that I did force a tiny money spider to cross my palm last week in the hope it might bring me luck.  I may as well absorb as much as I can for the next two weeks... This. Could. Be. It.

It's coming...

Fail.

Today was a day I would rather forget.

Interview 2 was awful. Just awful.

Easter Weekend.

After finding out on Thursday that I had managed to get two interviews for two out of the three job applications I'd submitted, I broke up for the bank holiday weekend with a mix of excitement and mild panic that I wouldn't have time to prepare for my first one which was scheduled for Wednesday (today!).

However, the weekend was upon me, and after spending Friday catching up with chores and making some preparation notes, Saturday brought far more interesting times.  It was my first BTCC weekend of the season, with the tournament coming to Donington Park.

It will always remain "my" track, my local, my home from home and somewhere I simply love to be. 

Saturday was mainly dry and we found a good seating area on some rock formed steps down at the bottom of Craner curves.  We stocked up on doughnuts and hot drinks from the obligatory vans as we watched qualifying rounds for all the formulas who would be racing the following day.

It was so good to be back there again; the familiar sights sounds and smells seeping back under my skin. 

It was a bit cold and windy at times and I left swearing that on our return the following day I would layer up!

We left early in order to get back in time for my little sister V's birthday meal.  The family gathered at Miller and Carter for a slap up tasty steak meal.  I sadly couldn't manage a starter, main AND pudding so I opted for a rather tasty After Eight mint cocktail as my desert. DEEELISH.

On Sunday morning, we set off early for another day's racing.  I went fully prepared with two vest tops, two jumpers, a fleece and my H2NO rain coat. It was a good job because the mother of all downpours occurred as soon as we got out the car.  Along with another 100 racing fans we all tried to squeeze into the diner café and under the big parasols outside to stay out of the wet.  Our hopes of a comfortable days racing faded as it got heavier and heavier.  We wouldn't be leaving early today, and as we had tickets for the BTCC After Party! So staying dry was a priority! Fortunately we managed to stay dry during the downpour and once it trailed off, we drifted down to find a suitable perch for the days races.  Showers came and went throughout the day, but this lead to some pretty interesting and action packed races! :-) We had a second downpour in the afternoon, which V and I just hunkered down on our rock step seats and covered ourselves in our brolly, managing to avoid a soaking.


My trusty waterproof held out and the best racing was at towards the end of the afternoon with some brilliant racing and manoeuvres. We moved away from our sheltered rock steps and headed to the first corner for the final race of the day, and it was well worth the wind and cold there.  V took some brilliant photographs of the action.

The best of the weekend was still to come as after the racing finished we headed straight to the BTCC After Party!

After a VERY disappointing turkey and stuffing bap from one of the vintage themed food vans, we took our place near the stage, sneaking into the VIP area at the request of the first band- Ferris.  They played an average set, but were pretty uninspiring.  Following them was Toploader who played a fairly decent set but the sound quality was awful.  There was NO vocal sound for the front of the stage, so while the rest of the music could be heard, the vocals sounded muffly like Peter Kay's DJ.  The band and sound guys were informed by two slightly crazy people stood next to me (more on these later) but the sound issue remained throughout the whole set.  They played the only two songs I actually knew which was Achilles Heel and Dancing In The Moonlight which is one of very few songs that actually incite physical repulsion and hatred in me.  It's an AWFUL song. On every level.  But I endured it... and all for the headline act... REEF.

I have loved Reef since my teens when they were big throughout the Britpop years and they TOTALLY lived up to expectation.  To my (and the crazy fans next to me's) relief the sound was fixed as Reef brought with them, their own sound engineer.  It turned out the crazy fans next to me were SO crazy that they knew the band.  I say knew, as in they have clearly stalked them from day one and appear at all of their gigs.  They'd already travelled from Southampton for this gig because it was the guitarist's last ever show. 

Reef were incredible.  After the previous two distinctly average bands, they completely took over the room.  Gary Stringer looked EXACTLY as he did from the early reef days and sounded amazing.  Being so close to the stage he smiled and crouched right in front of me for photographs; and just owned the stage like a pro. It was brilliant. I sang away to my hearts content, which Gary seemed to appreciate giving me a lovely big smile half way through Yer Old.  He's still fit as. Amazing.

I know it was amazing... as I am still thinking about it days later.  If that isn't a sign of a good gig I don't know what is.  Speaking of gigs... I haven't blogged about my big news yet.  *Mental Note to blog about that tomorrow *.

Monday was spent in the park doing some more interview prep before returning back to work on Tuesday.  My interview was today, and after spending a few days feeling completely under prepared I think it went okay.  It was a bit short, felt a bit rushed by the interviewers at times but I think this was because they had a lot of applicants to get through.  By and large it was okay... I don't think I've ever come out of an interview thinking I said EVERYTHING I needed to, but generally I think they got the message that I had the skills for the role, and they made some comments suggesting that I would be considered for a post. Time will tell.  I have another interview to prepare for next week so after a night off I'll get back on the studying. I've been back to the gym tonight for the first time in about two weeks due to me being ill and then busy and then lazy. Must get back on it!!! I'm also half way through a wedding topper commission which I need to finish in the next couple of weeks! eek... If only I had more hours in the day!

Brain Fry (day).

Well that was the longest four day week ever.  Busy as hell. Stress has taken it's toll (again) making me sick (again).  I've managed to pick up yet another cold which is wreaking yet more havoc on my lungs.  I've been unable to go to the gym, not that I've had much time anyway having been staying behind at work to make sure I get everything finished.  :(

A lot of the stress has been self induced- applying for three jobs at once and having to do three times the research/prep probably isn't the most sensible way of doing things, but you've got to jump head in sometimes.

I've got two interviews out of the three jobs I've applied for so far with one pending paper sift today.  Annoyingly, the job I really want is the one which is still being sifted, and I have two interviews in the meantime which I am now trying to prepare for. This means lots of school-type revision and reading up and the obligatory notecards! Ahh... takes me back to revising for exams.

So... It's Good Friday, and I am sat on my bed surrounded by papers detailing the finer points of NIM, 5x5x5 and a whoooole heap of policies and legislation which I don't understand properly;  But I have coloured pens and coloured note cards so with these tools I can combat the world!

I've done two wash loads, vacuumed and dusted my room and been to town to pick up some wrapping paper for my sisters birthday present today too so I am slowly ticking off my To Do list.  I have a brilliant weekend lined up- today being my chill day.  Tomorrow is my little baby sisters birthday so after a day out at Donington watching fast cars we're off out for a birthday meal for her.  Sunday we're back at Donington Park for more brilliant racing, then attending the after party in the evening! Monday will be spent doing more interview prepwork before returning to work on Tuesday to find four days worth of emails, enquiries and general crap to sort out! My first interview is Wed, with another the following Tuesday...

... EEK...

... But I am trying not to panic.  There is plenty of time, and I am a good candidate. I've just got to prove it.

Back to my note cards... though my mind keeps drifting to how I can achieve Honda themed nail polish for the racing tomorrow.  Haha!

Time Out.

I had another long weekend this weekend.

I like them.

Especially when I get to go on mini road trips to mystery locations!

This weekend I was taken up to Newcastle for a lovely stay in a nice secluded hotel, lots of good food in good restaurants, some fresh air, a walk to a waterfall, a walk along the beach, lots of photographs both SLR and phone, and just a general good chillax.  It was awesome and I loved every second of it.

Sadly it was only three nights and work has speedily brought me back down to earth with a bump.  With my colleague off sick I am SWAMPED, and I'm also completing three job applications which these days doesn't just span to filling out a form (which takes long enough in itself!) but having to undergo mini training sessions and application prep work with numerous other departments for a job you might not even get an interview for! I have meetings coming out my ears.  I am trying desperately to research three different postings and complete application forms for all three whilst completing my regular duties and that of my absent colleague (for which I am untrained and largely at a loss!).

In addition to this I have a deadline FAST approaching for my next wedding topper commission so I NEED to spend a weekend doing that.  I have created a secondary twitter account for my sculpting sideline which has so far been a success.  I'm trying (and failing) to keep in contact with buddies both locally and otherwise but currently feel stretched timewise and after just two days back I think I am ready to take another holiday! Luckily, we have some bank holidays approaching and they can't come soon enough!

It's just all happening at the moment, in a good way I guess, which means time FLIES by and pretty much seems to  take your money flying out the window with it! I have two outstanding bills, a holiday to pay for and the sorry looking dregs of an emptied out bank account after a busy month of too much partying and far too much "Work Hard, Play Hard".

Narcissus.

Ah sweet sweet justice.

There is something uncompromisingly ugly about anyone who's vanity overspills into narcissism.  I see this most often in men who spend so much time shaping and sculpting their bodies in the gym whilst forgetting entirely to shape their character; their individualism and their morals remaining pathetically empty and superficially soul-less.

Paradoxically narcissists spend the majority of their lives in a state of total self absorption yet remain entirely lacking in self awareness.  This is clearly because the process of becoming self aware not only requires a critical reflection of the self but also requires a deeper understanding of emotions, empathy and of interaction with other human beings;  The antithesis of narcissism.  A beautiful, spiralling irony.

" People's actions will tell you everything you need to know. "

Always.

Open Window

A square in the wall to the world outside;
but the knot in my stomach tells me to hide.
The daybreak that once cleansed me, makes me pallid and cold;
its a search light exposing the flaws that I hold.
A new day's brightness should be a fresh white page;
but despite all this promise, my window's my cage.

Birthday(S)

In true Slink style my birthday has been stretched over as many days as possible and I have loved every minute of it.  Monday I was pampered with a wonderfully relaxing facial and a tough but well worth it massage which seemed to loosen out some creaky back and shoulder problems at the spa courtesy of H.  We finished off the afternoon with a slap up meal at a new restaurant not far away from us which I think we will be frequenting again at some point.  Good food and a nice cosy but classy atmosphere. Loved it. On getting home, we scared ourselves silly watching a horror film called The Conjuring which was ridiculous in many cliché ways but still managed to get my old spine tingling in places. No nightmares either! Boom.

Tuesday, my actual birthday was spent with my dear N.  I opened my presents and cards in the morning and after a nice cuppa we hit the road, heading for Watford for the Warner Brothers Studio Tour dedicated to the making of the Harry Potter films.

I was concerned I was going to look like a great big idiot having no children to wander round with but I was pleased to find there were far more adults than children which is ALWAYS a good thing! At the risk of sounding terribly saccharin, it was one of the best days out I've had in years. Although very pricey, there was just so much to look at.  I took photo after photo albeit annoyingly on my mobile due to me absent mindedly walking out the house without my dSLR which I'd put to one side for the trip! Here are just a few to wet your whistle...

There was just so much to see.  I would definitely recommend it for a day out weather you have kids or even if you're not overly familiar with the books and stories.  My personal favourite was the Creature Workshop where you could see masks, sculptures and artwork from the creative departments involved in production.  It was just a treasure trove of oddities and it really tuned you in to the incredible skill of the staff who have helped to shape the films from words on a page into reality without losing any of the magic. The technical drawings, planning, architect drawings also made it all the more incredible at the sheer scale of the filming process. Brilliant.

I picked up a few token goodies for friends and family (chocolate frogs, chocolate wands and some Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans); N even bought me a Slytherin vest top as a souvenir of our trip, and after three hours of awe and smiles we were back on the road.

But the good times didn't end there.  On the way home, we stopped off in Brum at Jamie's Italian for a slap up meal.  It was delish, even if I did manage to order a dish which was a tad too spicey for my delicate (bland) palette.  After our feast, we went to the cinema where we caught the next available film which happened to be one called Labor Day.  It turned out to be fairly good albeit a bit of a slow burner.  Some interesting concepts about being prisoner (both literal and non literal) and personal freedoms; not my usual pick of film but it wasn't all that bad a choice.  Interestingly the film I would have rather have seen was also based around the theme of imprisonment- Starred Up which is a British film about a prison inmates move from Youth Offending Institute to Adult Prison and the sub-societies, cultures and social hierarchies within the prison institution. It's meant to be gritty, violent and controversial but incredibly well observed. It's on my Watch list.

Today has been spent shopping in Brum, although I've been largely unsuccessful spending my birthday money finding most of the shops completely uninspiring.  The only thing I found and liked a lot was an awesome Superdry jacket but I have lots of jackets and don't really have need to buy another. Sadly.  I did manage to squeeze in a trip to my favourite Japanese Restaurant/Café - Mount Fuji for a chicken Teryaki and Tempura Bento box with Prawn Sushi, and Edamame beans to start.  Pure heaven.

Tomorrow I have a pretty menial morning of catching up with ironing, cleaning and a dentist appointment but in the evening I have my final birthday celebration of the year with a meal and cocktails with some girls from work who also share a March birthday.  Bring it on!!! :-D 

Ahoy Me Hearties!

On Friday I set my Out Of Office notice for a whole week off:  One of the small treasures of the hustle and bustle of the modern world.

I have the same week off most years, work permitting in order to use up the last of my annual leave before the end of March and also to avoid any trace of menial work on my birthday!

On Saturday the flat was decorated with Palm trees, parrots, pirate coins and candles.  Sails and rope, lots of flags and lanterns; even some pirate cupcakes adorned the treasure chest laden table! Friends donned fancy dress for a Pirate themed birthday party.  Cocktails were made, Rum flowed, Lanterns were set to soar into the night, two hilarious games of Ring Of Fire were played and a good night was had by all. Much love to everyone who came and made it such a great night. :) 

Just proves that no matter how old I get, I can still act like a great big kid and reaffirm my inner Pirate.

I have much planned for my week off.  My birthday is being celebrated on five different days this year so it's not a bad way to see in my thirties!! Today was kicked off with hangover breakfast pancakes at a nearby Creperie, then after tidying up the flat from last night's festivites and catching up on some sleep, I was treated to a nice family birthday meal at The Whittington Arms.  I repeated the same mistake I made a year or so ago when I ordered a prawn dish in there; forgetting once more that they come WHOLE. Shells, Legs, Eyes, Heads, Tentacle-y bits.  WHOLE.  And covered in sweet chilli sauce.  By the time I had finished it was scene of pure prawn massacre.  Carcasses, tentacles, disembowled shells, heads, countless legs.  Oh god.. the legs.  Thank god for the finger bowl and napkins! Still, a lovely time was had by all and it was nice to have all the immediate family (in England anyway) around a dinner table again.

So that's the weekend gone already!  I have a brilliant week off planned.  H has treated me to a spa day so my birthday celebrations day three kicks off tomorrow with some sort of Yoga class, then food, then a facial and a massage to top it all off.  Just what I need.

Tuesday is my actual birthday and I'm dead excited to be carrying on reliving my childhood by being taken to the Harry Potter Studios in Watford. Wednesday I have a free day, and then Thursday I'm back on the birthday train for a last and final farewell to my birthday week with a cocktail and curry with work colleagues!  Sunday I will be off to Nottingham to see family for Mothers Day... and wo betide, before I know it it'll be back to work and into April!!! Thankfully I already have the first weekend booked off for a mystery trip to an unknown location!

All I can say is...

 

300: Rise of an Empire

This weekend was just as it promised to be - pleasant, quiet and slightly cheaper than the last few weekends of copious drinking have turned out to be.

Thursday and Friday night were chill time movie nights.  Thursday we watched The Social Network which was actually a far better film than I expected it to be; the amazing work of Trent Reznor's soundtrack did help it along a little though.  I was pleasantly surprised by it to be honest. 
Friday night's film I have already forgotten so it can't have been that good. It might have been one called Ghostship, which was just averagely dull in every possible way.

Saturday night however, was what I had been looking forward to as I went to see 300: Rise of an Empire.

I had set my expectations fairly low as 300 is one of my all time favourite films and the sequel couldn't possibly match the skill or impact of the first.  It didn't.  However I was surprised to find it wasn't at all as bad as I had anticipated.

In 300, the Spartan warriors wear red robes; Red, the colour of blood, lust, passion.  This is set apart by the golden tones of the film signifying gold, honour, sunlight and warmth.  In 300 ROAE the main character Themistocles and his counterparts adorn blue robes reflecting the cooler tone of this film and echoing both the oceans and stormy weather in the film.  This, for me, summarises it perfectly because on the whole the film is just that- less warming then the first.  It's stormy, and for me, the characters lack any capacity to evoke empathy in the viewer.  Themistocles is a cool and unemotional character lacking any real depth.  He failed to arouse the same kind of passion that Leonidas did in the first film; having no family or a lover to protect.  He is cold and almost robotic and the unnecessary border-line rape scene simply left me losing even more respect for him.  You fought with Leonidas, you wanted him to return to his Queen and sons; but Themistocles, you just kind of watched as he carried out his business with little reason.  I possibly felt more for Artemisia than I did for Themistocles; she had a story, a history and she had passion. Their power struggle was awkward instead of firey and I did feel glad that Themistocles was still left needing the help of a strong, powerful woman in the way of Queen Gorgo who proved she had far more balls than he did.

Visually, it lacked the punch that 300 made.  This was a new area though when 300 was first released, there had only been Sin City which had been filmed under the same concept.  There were still some nice sequences and shots, but the attention to detail that 300 had wasn't there.  Every shot in 300 is carefully composed, and in ROAE it's more of a general feel than that of careful consideration of compositions and cinematography.  Still, some nice work and nice effects which were made more impressive by the three dimensional aspect.

Ah. I now await some other good films to fill the void - Transcendence is looking interesting so that will be my next movie target for April.

Sunday morning I was treated to pancakes for breakfast. I've washed little Franko, been to the gym; been to Mum's for a slap up, post-workout roast dinner and I've also been up in their loft to retrieve lots of props for the party next weekend.

It's going to be GOOOOOD. :)

Laters!

Hedonism and Other Things.

The last few weekends have been hectic with one too many late night (or rather early morning!) and far too much alcohol which also means far too much money. Being a social butterfly certainly has it's drawbacks at times! The hedonistic living can't last forever so  I may as well enjoy it while I can. For the most part, it stops me dwelling on things I don't have and focuses me on the good that can come from my current situation.

This month is proving expensive... little Franko has had his very first MOT and service, I've been out pretty much every weekend since the start of February for various exploits and I still have car insurance, my birthday week plans, mothers day and a stack of birthdays to pay for!

It was with great nostalgia that I passed through the doors of my favourite rock club Eddies on Saturday.  It was like returning home after many months away.

Creatively things are going well- I have completed my first two commissions of the year and have a further two in the books, with interest being shown by at least three or four others so I could be set for the whole year at this rate! It's nice that things are starting to pick up, and I'm loving getting back into some creative projects. Long may it continue!

On the Agenda this week is mainly: Trying not to spend tooooo much money; trying to eat a bit more healthily (more fruit/veg less fat); Making sure I get to the cinema to see 300: Rise of An Empire.

Where I End And You Begin.

As a person, an individual... I am complete.

I know me. I know my mind.  I know my body. I know how I work, why I work.

I know what I agree with, and what I don't.  I know why I do or don't.  And I know that I have equal amounts of passion for both these things.

I know my faults, there are many.  But I also know my strengths and can finally be proud of those which are considered to be both.

I've known extreme heights and extreme lows; I've been to the ends of my emotions in exploration and both been in awe and fear of their immense scope, scale and depth. With this comes balance and knowledge, care and empathy.

I am so sure of who I am; what has made me... and why I am. I'm a whole; balanced in my opinions, strengths and weaknesses. It's taken me a long time but I am getting to be more comfortable with this. Or more, that I care less how all the things that make me are perceived by others.

Because of all of this... it's hard for me to admit : This whole person is missing something.

My soul, my heart or that bit of us that we can never really place but just seems to emanate from inside... it needs a companion.

For the times I feel less strong, feel ugly, weak or alone... I need that second soul who shares my own and accepts it for all it is.  It's a sad thought that I may never have that again.  It's an emptiness that I can't shake. 

When I was a child, I remember getting an overwhelming feeling of upset when I found a lost toy in the street.  I forget what it was, yet I remember the feeling- and I felt so sad that I welled up that some child, just like me, had lost it's companion and was unlikely to be reunited*. Two things that were once one, were now apart, broken and imperfect in their separation. Out of balance, out of sync and lost from the shared harmony they once endured.

That feeling right there... is how that part of my inside feels; and potentially how it might always feel despite how "okay" my life may be.

I am incomplete in my absence of another; a soul mate.

An uncomfortable, saddening contrast for someone who prides oneself on being individual, unique and a whole.

"You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

Oscar Wilde.




*1. This is why I hate losing things.  2. Empathy comes naturally to me. 3. As does sentimentality.