Holly.

A small red cheery berry and a dark green spikey leaf that hurts.

It's Christmas. 

Despite the normal grumbles about commuting in potential snow... December is usually my favourite time of the year. This year however it feels somewhat muted.  I'm trying so hard to stay positive and enjoy it but I can't help feeling that I'm simply not as jolly this year.  Perhaps it's just because of the events of the last six months, or just a general fatigue from being overworked ... I'm not sure... but I've struggled to maintain the usual excitement and this has affected my ability to plan and prepare for the holiday season too. 

I've normally done all my shopping and got it wrapped under a strictly colour-co ordinated Christmas tree. I haven't. I only just finished my shopping this morning and have yet to have things delivered, wrapped and ready.  My presents seem a bit hap-hazard and the ones I've made I'm not incredibly pleased with either; I've scrapped one handmade one, and have three more to complete.  I've wrapped what I do have... a mishmash of Christmas wrapping paper and ribbons from previous years which are usually perfectly planned and co ordinated. I've just had to make do, unwilling to put the full effort and money into the usual standards I achieve.  This is pretty much a summary of where I am in my life.  Caught in between lots of things and not really completely together. But that's ok.  

Despite all this... it's not all gloom.  I've had some lovely festive outings already with some tasty cocktails and good company; a trip to the German market and sampling some Brum pubs; and have a few more before the end of the year.  I've not spent a ridiculous amount of money and needing to save for Christmas has meant I've had some cosy weekends in sculpting instead of spending money on alcohol.  I'm also back in touch with a friend I thought I lost this Christmas. You've got to be grateful for small things.

I'm sure the December reflections will be there, niggling, in the back of my mind for some time... but I'm trying to keep my focus on what is important.  Whatever happens next year is next year, for now, sit back, enjoy the family, friends and Christmas cheeriness in people's eyes... and try to relax. If nothing else, two weeks off will be much needed to replenish and kick back.

Ring of Fire.

I have been deliberating for a while about selling my engagement ring. I was torn and found the idea of it just too upsetting but tonight... part of me just wants rid of it. It is and always was meaningless. It will be the only one I ever recieve, of that I am certain, but I no longer need it nor what it symbolizes.

Getting rid of it would be saying good riddance to a person who:

Destroyed my confidence.
Lied to my face.
Cheated on me.
Watched pornography.
Was selfish.
Took away my home and left me with nothing.
Was happy to mislead me in order for him to achieve the above.
Jumped into another girls bed in a matter of weeks after telling me it was over.
Frequently told me what a bad person I was.
Couldn't be arsed to support me when my mum got cancer.
Put his work before everything else.
Who is blind to his toxic family.
Who told me he loved me and continued sleeping with me while he lined up his next relationship.
Made me feel I was never enough.
Caused me to have to go through the lowest times in my life.
Continues to speak bullshit to protect his reputation.
Didn't allow me room to be sad.
Hated to be challenged.
Was elitist and politically right wing.
Was happy to destroy other peoples relationships.

And I'm hanging on to it why?

I'd rather have never had one at all and not have wasted 10 years on that fuck up.

Good riddance.

The Test.

 The day has come to test these two Ice Cream Behemoths...

 

 

 

It was with great trepidation that I picked up that spoon.  This was the moment.  Some 8/9 years since had passed before Minter Wonderland had entered my mouth on it's shiney, silver steed. I've been used to Haagen Dazs for the last few years, it stepping in to fill the void left behind Minter Wonderlands epic wake.  I know the taste of Haagen Dazs now, as if it is part of my own body.  And yet, here, armed with my weapon-like spoon, I plunged back into the past to see if the lasting memory of this frozen creamy-dream lived up to the reality.

 

I have to say, I was surprised with the results. 

 

I can officially announce that Minter Wonderland... is NOT tastier than it's rival. 

 

Mint Leaves... the Ice Cream is creamier, tastier with more depth of mintiness flavour, and there is more chocolate per spoonful.  It also seems to melt quicker in the mouth. 

 

Minter Wonderland lacked that punch.  It's Ice Cream tastes blander in comparison, and although the chocolate chunks are "meatier" there are fewer of them in the tub it would appear.  It's not as minty or as refreshing to the pallet.

 

It looks like Haagen Dasz has surpassed Minter Wonderland... had it not been for Minter Wonderland's initial demise prior to Mint Leaves being marketed, I feel I would have made the switch regardless.  It would appear that Minter Wonderland only retained it's mantle in my heart and mind due to it's unavailability, a lost treasure, the memory of which appears to have been greater than truth. 

 

And now, Mint Leaves can take it's rightful place... the consistent provider who didn't abandon me can now bathe in it's glorious defeat of the old ruler of the minty dessert Kingdom.  All hail... the worlds best Ice Cream... Mint Leaves and Chocolate! 

The Second Coming.

On the 10th November 2014 at 1904hrs I got sent this...

 

 

This.... is THE ice cream. 

 

In short:  **READ IT HERE**

 

2005- Ben & Jerry's release this BEAST of an Ice Cream.  I am addicted.

2005- The Ice Cream vanishes to the depths of the Ben & Jerry's Graveyard

2005- I drop into a despair and grief that can only be understood by hardcore addicts. Withdrawal symptoms included emailing Ben & Jerry's to beg for it's return- only to be told I can "view" it in the Graveyard on their website.  I do.  I am heartbroken.

2005-13 Years of heartache and Mint Ice Cream misery ensue.  No other mint ice cream tastes the same.

2013- Hagen Daas release Mint Leaves & Chocolate. My faith in humanity, hope, ice cream and mint is restored.

2014- Minter Wonderland descends. I explode with Joy.

 

It has returned.  In my time of need.  It has returned.  Words genuinely cannot express how I felt seeing that photograph... it was monumental.  I can only compare it to finding my long lost snake ring all those years ago after a year of it being lost.  It was spiritual, emotional and just epic. 

 

I was sent a few torturous videos of it being opened and eaten... however... this was short lived and manageable.  There then followed a WEEK of trying to hunt some down in various supermarkets. And finally.. FINALLY ... I managed to get hold of some after a tip off of some stock in Sainsburys.  I got the last two tubs.  At present I have two tubs of Minter Wonderland and two tubs of Mint Leaves in my freezer.  This makes me feel... glorious.

 

Tomorrow I plan on having a compare of the two ice creams. This is going to be a huge moment for Ice Cream and an even huger moment for my tastebuds. I will blog my results following the strictly controlled experiment.

 

I know my time with this ice cream is short... it won't still be here like the Hagen Daas has been all this time, so I hope it permits me a short, brief affair with the ice cream that started this all. 

Under The Skin.

Every once in a while, I catch a film that actually blows me away. 

Last night I watched Under The Skin by Jonathan Glazer.  Now, I love Jonathan Glazer and have long admired his work, in particular his music videos for various bands throughout the 1990's. 

This film couldn't have been made by anyone else.  It was quintessentially Glazer. 

Odd, strange, twisting, thought provoking and mysterious but with a cinematic detail and artistry that is rarely seen in modern mainstream cinema.

There was a brilliant use of metaphor running parallel to a beautiful use of colour and symbolism which made you well aware you were watching a moving artwork rather than just a film.  The overall theme and message which ran throughout was huge in both scope, relevance and impact.

Brilliant.  Faith restored in film for another few months. :)

Take Down.

It's been an interesting week for Feminism.... We've seen the downfall of Dapper Laughs: a sexist dickhead with a childish humour and dangerously disturbing attitude towards women who was successfully taken down by the fabulous OBJECT campaign #takedowndapperlaughs, which saw ITV2 cave to pressure and pull the show from their line-up.  The question remains what utter loser pitched this up as a good comedy offering in the first place?

Prior to this was my introduction to this sick twat - Julien BLANC who appears to be a big fan of sexually assaulting and degrading women and by all accounts appears to be able to get audiences of naïve men or disgusting pigs to hear him talk about it. 

And then there's yet another rapist footballer being given his job back despite public outcry.  Jessica Ennis is among some celebrities who have stated they wish to be removed from their publicity books and have the chair named after them removed from the site if he is re-signed.  It's not uncommon for sex offenders running around on a football pitch but again, reassuringly this time more people seem to be irritated by the concept. 

The positives are that these vile, misogynistic, dickheads are being brought to light in the media and largely ridiculed for their particular brand of hideous, obscene sexism, violence and hatred.  There were even reassuring calls from some to ban him BLANC from entering the UK just as any terrorist preaching hatred would.  I see no reason to treat him any differently. 

In stark contrast, Pussy Riot are currently visiting the UK upholding the banner for not only women but proving that bravery, strength and honesty can't be beaten down.

Fright Night and Fisty Cuffs.

The much anticipated Halloween Party 2014 took place last Friday.  I freakin LOVE Halloween as it's a good chance to get dressed up in something weird and outrageous and decorate the flat in awesome, gory tat.  This year I went for a classic Beetlejuice and I have to say I think I did a good job on the ol' makeup.  :-) A good night was had by all, although it finished fairly early due to a lot of people driving and/or working the next day. The only downside was being very poorly that night thanks to someone untrained in the art of making whiskey mixers virtually poisoning me with a quadruple strength Southern Comfort and Coke.  And maybe me for drinking it... but that's by the by.

 

 

The last two days of this week have been spent on some Personal Safety Training and I have to say, after my partner and I getting recognition for being the best two students of the course, it's given me a hankering to get back to the gym and build up more strength.  I thoroughly loved my course and have hopefully picked up some safety tips should I ever get attacked both in and out of my job.  I love that size doesn't come into it, and that you can quite easily defend yourself no matter how teeny you are.  It makes me want to box, and get stronger so I can really take people by surprise.  Comments of the day today were: "God you are really quite strong" and "You're really aggressive for a tiddly person".  Yeah man.  That is all I want... to be stronger than I actually appear.  I'm never going to be really strong and I don't have the commitment and dedication to be super fit either, but as long as I can be stronger than I appear... I'm happy. 

 

All in all, a brilliant two days.  I did get a liiiiiiiittle bit of a crush on one of the trainers, who was a trained fighter.  I just love the spikey movements and the speed of their skills.  I'm a sucker for it. 

 

It's done me good.  I went straight to the gym after my course finished today so chuffed with that too.  I'm going to try my best to go at least 2/3 times a week and get back into the swing of it, as the last few weeks have been pretty slack due to being totally shattered from work and a few other stressful situations which I don't have the energy to go into now.  I feel better tonight than I have this week... before today I felt drained, tired and fed up so beating the shit out of people seems to be a really good pick me up.  :)

Black Glitter.

I was searching for some new music the other night and came across this not-so-new band. 

I immediately loved it and I'll explain why below.



This music is the sound of my teenage years.  I listen and hear echoes of the glory days of the 90s where tuneful rock permeated the mainstream.  I hear echoes of The Smashing Pumpkins and The Pixies in the vocals; Placebo and The Silversun Pickups in the fuzzy, crisp chord changing guitars.  I close my eyes and I could be 16 again, in a sweaty, dark, packed gig venue with bleach blonde hair and chipped, black glitter nail polish on guitar-hardened fingers; an outlet for a collective teenage angst unfolding before my ears and eyes.

Total flashback.

<3 p="">

The Takeover Continues...

The Takeover

... and now this...

Thousands of spiders 'bleed out of the walls' and force family from home.

I think it's fairly appropriate to say... WTAF!?

Light the Fuse.

The blood boils.

Campus nightmare: female students on the rise of sexual harassment

Just HOW is all this allowed to happen in this day and age? These boys (I purposely refrain from using the word Men) are our next generation of working professionals... and this is how we allow them to behave at university? Disgusting. Sexism at it's foulest.

This the same day that I read a newspaper article about a 25 million pound a year footballer coming out of prison after serving half his six year sentence for the rape of a 17 year old teenager, and walking straight back into his job.  Is it any wonder?

Sick.

Where is my mind?

Holy ****.

Now my glass nail file has vanished.  This has a home- in my nail polish bag... and now it's gone. 

I am genuinely now concerned about my mental health. 

This is either:

1).  A ghost
2).  I have alzheimers

I dislike both of those options.

It has been suggested by a few people that maybe I have just been really busy and this has lead to a spate of losing stuff but I'm struggling with this concept as the items are just NOWHERE.

I can now recall (there maybe more as I no longer trust my dementia full brain) a total of THREE items which have vanished beyond trace.

This may be my last post, as tomorrow I could wake up not knowing where the hell my laptop, phone and desktop computer is. 

What. The. Actual. ****.?!

Clepto-ghost.

The following post will be so full of expletives I have actually decided to edit them out.  Apologies.

And no this is not about that irritating person mentioned in the post below.  It is more about the post before that about Money.

So.  I haven't had my glasses for the last week. I've been thinking they were sat on my desk at work and that when I can be bothered I'll go pick them up.  My glasses however are not at work, as I confirmed today.  My glasses would appear to have vanished off the face of the ******* earth. 

My glasses; the ones I spent over SIX WEEKS searching for; the ones I have had for SIX years over TWO prescriptions.  Why two prescriptions?! Because THEY (glasses designers) do not make glasses for people with small faces.  This is THE ONLY pair of glasses I have ever found which suits my small face and as such I've kept them for the last two prescriptions and got them re-lensed each time.  I don't love these glasses, they are a necessity, but now I have somehow lost them, I miss them as I know I will NOT find another pair that suit me as well.

And I've gone and ******* lost them.  I have the ****** glasses CASE but not my glasses leaving me absolutely ******* bewildered as to where the HELL they are. 

What makes this worse is that I have recently blogged about having NO money. What little savings I do have are the only tiny little security blanket I have when my flatmate H decides to move out and live with her bloke.  I have been contemplating using some of my savings to see my brother and niece in Japan next year.. but now I have to use them to buy some ******* new glasses that I wouldn't have needed if I hadn't lost them. Adding to the immense ANNOYANCE of this is the fact that I have a driving course in two weeks, which I will fail if I don't have my glasses!! ;-(

I cannot explain how much I HATE losing things.  I've actually had a mini breakdown this evening as it dawned on me that  I am now going to spend at least £300 on new glasses.  What's worse is I can't find my ******* prescription.  So make that £320 for another ******* eye test too.

MORE frustrating is that I am CONVINCED things are going missing from my room.  A few weeks ago a mirror which I use daily when straightening my hair, has gone missing.  It ALWAYS sits in the same place and rarely gets moved. One day I was using it, the next... it just wasn't there.  I have looked EVERYWHERE for it in my room and it just ******vanished.  And now my glasses have done the same. Unless I have some sort of early onset dementia I am putting this down to a ghost.  If it was dementia, surely I would find these things somewhere... they'd be in the freezer or a cupboard or something? But no... they are literally NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.  I have turned my room upside down looking for these things and they are NOT in there.  I've searched the kitchen, bathroom, lounge, under the sofa seat cushions.  I've searched all bags, pockets, coats, jeans... they are ****** gone.  This thieving ghost just needs to quit and give me all my stuff back before I lose my mind completely.

It's just. Freakin. Ridiculous.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.  This has just really come at the worst possible time.  And maybe I'm making a mountain out of something that really really doesn't sound like a drama.  But hey, **** you, YOU pay for them then.

*grumpiness continues*

Irritation.

We all know them. Those occasional, thankfully infrequent liaisons with people who put simply, irritate the fuck out of you.

I've met one.

There are people who I like, and hit it off with immediately. There are people who I know I'll not get on with; and those who I neither care about either way. There are have even been people who take an immediate dislike to me and more often than not I can't care less about them. However, every now and then, you meet one who just really, really, completely irritates the HELL out of you.

I repeat... I've met one.

This person, I will call Y. I have rarely come across someone who has irritated me quite as much as this person does; and it's been right from the SECOND she first opened her mouth. I can't even explain most of it. It's just a totally irrational, entirely unpleasant personification of nails on a chalk board.  I have a few issues with the way this person behaves, talks... and after this week breathes. 

I first experienced this person on the telephone when she phoned the wrong department to enquire about the job vacancy.  After me repeating about five times that she'd come through to the wrong department, after fifteen minutes she took a breath and enabled me to actually transfer her to my friend Dave, who is now her mentor.  My second encounter with her just brought back awful flashbacks of the phonecall; heightened by her smug little face as she twittered on about how she now had a three minute drive to work... to MY preferred job location, while I'd been given an hours commute because I haven't popped out children.  My contact with her has been limited, thankfully, as I then found out this shrill, being is paid about 5k more than everyone else to do the same job.  This has added to my annoyance. 

I now find myself on WEEK LONG training course with Y.  It's Tuesday... and I'm already finding myself digging my nails into the side of my seat on the NUMEROUS occasions she feels it necessary to open her gob and tell another long winded, excruciatingly, mundane story about things the WHOLE room already knows and experiences on a daily basis.  

This person should be a primary school teacher.  She talks like one.  To everyone;  And in a Black country, sing song, nursery rhyme accent that makes me want to smash up the room in some vain effort to get her to just PLEASE. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.  I genuinely don't think that would work.  I could smash every single chair through every single window and turn around to still find her twittering away. 

I can't help the eye rolling, the jaw clenching, the whole body tensing and slow intake of breath every time she speaks.  She speaks... TOO MUCH... and FAR FAR too often.  I'm not the only one to notice either.  I am often told I am too expressive; that is that I can't hide my emotions.  They're usually written all over my face and I have limited control over this.  Today she challenged something I was saying and she basically provoked me into challenging her back and making her look like a total knob in front of the whole course.  I had too.  For the sake of my own sanity I had to correct her, if only just to shut her the fuck up. 

I somehow have to get through another three days of this.  Frighteningly the course involves group work and I live in fear of being told I have to work with her.  I fear my head will actually explode if I have to endure that hellish prospect.

I'm not a nasty person.  I'm not.  However I am sensitive, and therefore easily irritated as you may have discovered from my posts about Misophonia last year. This woman, is the human equivalent of that never ceasing nose whistle, the all-night snore, the endless, slushy, chomp chomp chomp of food between salivating teeth and jaws. 

Friday can NOT come soon enough....

Money.

I have none.

I could leave it there but I need a rant.

My new job was a promotion.  It was a 6k salary rise for me and I thought finally I'd be able to live a little more comfortably.  Well, it would appear I've been a bit too comfortable and now I'm suffering for it.

I've had an awesome few months as is evident from my lack of blog posts... but I fear those times are gone and I now need to knuckle down and stop spending money on having fun.  I need to save. My new job gives me an extra £200 a month which is currently being eaten up by a mahoosive increase in petrol costs. I now have an hour commute, along with having to use my car for meetings and I've yet to see a penny in any mileage costs (which only covers my meetings anyway).

The good times, the shopping, the cocktails and drinks and yummo food all needs to stop now.  I got paid last Thursday.  A week later I have £300 to last me the rest of the month.  This is desperate times.

I've cancelled my monthly saving direct debit. I've also delved into my savings.

From now on... it's nights in. Booze at home. Movies.

And handmade Christmas presents.

:(

Genius.

The Takeover.

Two articles have caught my attention this week:

GIANT SPIDERS INVADE UK HOMES and BRUM GIRL'S SPIDER BITE HORROR

Yes, they sound like something out of an old sci-fi movie, however I am taking these very seriously.

Long have I blogged about my enemies... but it seems this could be the year they have been waiting for. I fear they may finally be making their move.

They've thrived over a mild summer, enjoying the benefits of global warming and climate change from their dusty, webbed crevices and holes getting juicy fat bodies and preening their hairy legs... grinning... waiting... until now.

And now... it's September. Their favourite time of year just happens to be my worst.  Coincidence? I think not.  September hits and the beasts start to gravitate towards homes looking for human flesh to feast on.  I stand by my theories that Spiders do NOT eat flies.

Read *here*.  Wierdly... now this is weird.  I am SURE I remember blogging about my gravity ray Spider Theory, but it doesn't appear to be showing.  Could they have hacked it and erased it because I was DEAD ON.???? Shit.

It would appear they have already attacked a small defenceless child.  I woke up a few weeks ago with two suspicious fang marks on my leg.  I still have the marks. I'm wondering now if it was a spider.  It's probably waiting for my immune system to lessen as the first bite didn't do the trick.

This is not good. We've had a few in the flat... but none of the monsters being reported by the media have entered yet. Having said that, the fang marks on my leg might say otherwise.

If this is to be my last... please screenshot this post. I warned you.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Well...

I think the lack of blogging over the last month pretty much sums up how busy I've been.

I'm glad to say work is settling and I feel like I'm finally making progress and finding my feet which has been a huge help to feeling more stable in general.

My weekends have been jam packed for the last few weeks which is brilliant but exhausting and I still feel like I need some downtime! I'll get round to it soon...

So three weekends ago I stayed in Nottingham to Mrs P's birthday celebrations.  It was great to meet up with the old gang in some of our old haunts though it's safe to say Rock City isn't at all what it once was... and even then it was average!

The following weekend was my first ever trip to the Formula One Belgian Grand Prix. Scratch that... my first ever GP! Becko and I had a fantastic time in Brussels and despite the dodgy weather which included torrential downpours AND sunburn, even Becko was converted into a newbie motorsport fan. I took lots of photo's with both camera phone and my trusty old digital SLR so it was nice to get a good blend of both in Brussels and our day trip to Brugge.  I wish I'd blogged nearer my return home to regale readers with the funny little stories, jazzed up with photographs but it seems so long ago now it seems a bit redundant!! Needless to say it was a brilliant trip and I was so glad to share it with one of my very best friends. :-)

Last weekend was spent throwing what turned out to be a slightly smaller scale party than we initially anticipated- however we went all out on the Hawaiian Theme decorations and a good night was had by all.  On the following day I finally got to look around the new library in Brum which I have to say is a beautifully constructed and designed building. It's definitely something for Brum folk to feel proud of. My trip was interjected with a visit to my favourite café Mount Fuji where my favourite bento box hit the spot as usual.

Yesterday I had my hair chopped off and spent an absolute fortune on baby shower and 60th birthday gifts for a friend and my Mum.. which is what I have planned for the upcoming weekend.

Today I've been to Rockingham Motor Speedway to watch British Touring Car Championship with my sister and her bloke.  It was the first one we've been to this year which didn't require raincoats and umbrella's at some point... amazingly it was fine and dry and even more amazingly I haven't got sunburned!!!! :-D MEGA bonus! Again, I have more piccies and have eaten my weight in sarnies, picnic food and the obligatory motor racing delicacy - Tea and doughnuts! Perrfect.

Things are good... busy and good.  Upcoming I have dates to arrange, a Halloween party to plan, Mum's 60th, attending my first ever baby shower (not comfortable with this) and in a few weeks time... Silverstone for my final BTCC event of the year! I also want to squeeze in a sedgway rally and another hill walk too at some point. :-)

YOWZER.

Letting Go.

Bad Things:

I've avoided posting this for a while.  The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest I've experienced for a very very long time.  I've managed to pull myself back together... or just about, and feel like I can move forward albeit tentatively.

N has been a big part of my life for the last decade.  We were together for eight years and even when I left two years ago we remained very close, still seeing each other regularly and spending time together when we could.  I never ever pictured my life without him, rightly or wrongly and continued to tell people who didn't understand how we remained so close, that he was my soulmate and always would be.

N has met someone now, and recently told me that there would be no chance of us recovering our past relationship and that it would be best if we no longer continued to stay in touch. Despite me knowing this could have been a reality, hearing it so bluntly threw me for six.  I was now faced with having to face the unknown of the rest of my life without my best friend. It hurt. A lot. It hurt that I was no longer considered irreplaceable in his life and that he had moved forward with out the need for me in his life.  I think it hurt an awful lot more than I ever thought it would, but then I'd never really let myself think about it.  For a good two weeks I was pretty broken, feeling like the world had been turned upside down and left fighting the dark, this in the first two weeks of my new job too.  Stress. It's been awful.  I stopped eating and sleeping and basically drifted along in a state of misery for two weeks.  My new job was stressful and I was missing my friends and colleagues hugely... I still do.

Good things:

But I'm back.  It is what it is, and whilst it hurt a great deal it's important that I keep plodding on.  It's scary, but I've realised just how great my family and friends have been in supporting me.

I face a long road alone now... and whilst that scares me it's important that I get used to my own company and learn to live without the friends I've come to rely on.  Obviously they will be there, but they all have their own lives and I need to shape mine be that on my own or with someone I may meet in the future.  I think for my sake I need to try and get used to the fact that I may not have the happy partner, wedding, the marriage, kids and house ... but it's important I make the most of what I have not what I don't.  I'm in my thirtees, I know who I am and what I want.  If people have a problem with it they can and will walk away... I won't be chasing after them.  If I can't find a companion and soulmate then so be it... but I'm determined to be happier than I feel now.  Alone or otherwise.

I went to a Tarot night on Friday.  My cards were brilliant... They showed my present - a big argument, losing a loved one, letting go. They showed security and success in my job with a possible further promotion at some point.  It warned me to steer clear of a person connected to work who is two faced.  I know who this was. It also told me there was a man coming into my life soon, it said I was going away shortly (to Belgium later this month) and that I needed to not hang on to the past anymore.  It all makes sense... and no matter what people's thoughts are on the topic, I felt like it was all very relevant.  I also spoke to a "psychic" man who asked me without any prompting what who the man with the dry hands was (this is N who had dermatitis!) and said that I was missing him. He also told me about a man with epaulettes, built frame who I should be wary of.  This matched up with my cards warning me about the person at work. It was all a bit of fun... not sure I was convinced by the psychic guy's talents although he did ask some questions and picked up that I made things in great detail (my sculpting) and that I recently had a problem with my cars brakes which was odd considering I'd never spoken to him before! He said he could picture me with a big car in the future and possibly with my own shop! :-D

I have a date tonight.  It's a bit of fun and I'm not expecting it to go anywhere but it'll get me back into the dating scene and get used to meeting new people again.  Who knows.

I have the Belgian GP also in a few weeks. I was meant to be going with N but I am now going with my dear Becko so it should still be a fun little adventure. 

I have a mini reunion next weekend with uni chums for the fabulous Mrs P's birthday. This will be bittersweet as it will be my first meeting with N since everything.  We won't have had any contact for nearly three weeks.  I'm not sure how I will feel, made tougher by the fact I will be the only single person there, but I just need to be strong and try and enjoy seeing friends who I don't get to see often, in a city I love, in our old haunts.

I have also booked tickets to the next BTCC event in Rockingham in early September so I have that to look forward to also! :)

I spent a good hour on Skype this morning with my neice, bro, sister in law and my folks who are over in Japan visiting.  She blew me bubbles and showed me her playdough desk and tools- she might be a budding little sculptor like me! She even blew me a kiss when I said goodbye... she is so precious and I can't wait to meet her again, hopefully in the next year or so.

I just need to keep smiling and remind myself often that everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Break.

Buckle Up.

What. A. Week.

Monday was my first day in my new job.  Talk about being thrown in at the deep end.  As is typical of my organisation I literally rocked up on my first day, nervous as hell and was handed some numbers and told to pretty much get on with it.  Fortunately there is another girl doing the same role who was equally as bewildered as I was.  When I was taken to my first meeting on Monday afternoon expecting to have prepared a report and be able to deliver it to the meeting, I pretty much felt like I'd made a massive mistake in leaving the comfort  and familiarity of my old team.  As it turned out, there had been a cock up and the meeting was actually scheduled for that morning so I managed to escape certain embarrassment by delivering to a meeting that I had NO idea about. 

Tuesday got worse, and I winded up emailing the Sgt who was overseeing the roll out of our jobs to different sectors to complain that we had effectively been left to do a job without any training or preparation.  It fell on deaf ears, and Tuesday night I got home and cried, wanting to re-apply for my old job.

However, I think the breakdown did me good and cleared my head a little.  Wednesday saw a slight improvement as I embraced the uncertainty and focussed on the good points of the role which include actually having just one job to focus on.  On Thursday I delivered to my first conference and the feedback was that I sounded professional and precise which was amazing considering how nervous I felt. 

I feel better about it... I think it will improve as I settle and feel more comfortable in the role.  I need a few more meetings under my belt to get me used to the way they work.  I know at some point there is going to be a confrontation due to the sensitive nature of the meeting, so that will be a new and challenging aspect to the role that I haven't experienced yet.  Can't say I'm looking forward to that aspect but it's part and parcel of the work and can only improve the skills I already have. 

The new job has been the sandwich filling nestled firmly between two large, soft and wonderfully tasty slices of awesomeness this week.  On Monday night I went to see Extreme, straight after work, and having had ZERO sleep.  Rock. AND. Roll.  Extreme's 90's hair metal classic album Pornograffiti is one of the albums of my childhood- and yes I am aware how inappropriate that sounds - however the music itself is amazing, cheesy as hell, but amazing-feel-good cheese which warms my soul.  I know every detail of the album inside out and one of my memories of it is playing it at my 7/8th birthday party much to the bemusement of my7/8 year old, flowery dress-adourned party invitees.  Awesome.  They were aging, but brilliant.  As a 25th anniversary tour of the album, they played the FULL thing in its entirety.  Nuno still looks FIT AS, despite approaching 50.  Brilliant, I honestly haven't felt as happy as I did when I was singing away to "Hole Hearted" and I pretty much think I was mesmerised at one point by Nuno's solo- skills. Unbelieveble.  And he makes it look so easy.

At the other end of the week - Friday night I went to see The Penguin Café Orchestra which again, is another childhood musical experience.  The music reminds me of my Dad, and brings back so many cherished and happy memories of sitting as a family in the lounge, chatting, laughing and listening to the music all together.  The concert was at The Lichfield Cathedral which couldn't have been a more acoustically perfect setting for the music.  It sounded beautiful and just made my soul feel content and relaxed and happy.  I'd seen them once before, and possibly preferred their first offering in terms of content, however I love how the guy who now runs the orchestra is the son of the original founding member, and he recalls how the music relates to his childhood from the time when I too remember first hearing it all.  The parallels are as wonderfully fitting to me as the music is to it's own individual themes and concepts. 

After such an emotionally charged and stressful week I've taken this weekend off any sculpture projects to recharge my batteries.  Saturday was spent catching up with my two besties, N and Markuus, at the Fuse festival in Lichfield which consisted of sitting in a field drinking strawberry cider in the sunshine and listening to a number of acoustic sets and some good old fashioned sea shanties.

Today I've come to Nottingham to see family as I've spent so many of the last few weekends working on sculptures and commissions that I've not seen my Grandparents in months.  Time is precious, and so I've ensured today is spent in their company.  A roast is being prepared, and I look forward to spending an hour or two round the dinner table listening to my Grandad recount old stories and tales from his past, many of which I've heard before... but that I love hearing again and again nonetheless.

:-) Happy.

Closing Time.

Well, I just finished my last day at work.  I've been dreading it to be honest.  Since my job was confirmed I've actually found it really hard to get excited about my new post- mainly because the reality of leaving my team, my friends, my family for the last three years, was just really quite painful.  Not a day has passed when I haven't laughed myself into oblivion at work, and I really will miss that the most.  I've genuinely not wanted to leave and I've even questioned if I've made the right move because of how much I've enjoyed my time there.  However, I need to remember the reasons I went for this, there were plenty of days I felt stressed and tired, and there's very limited room for growth in that post.  I'd mastered what I could and simply wasn't getting paid anything near enough for the time and energy I gave the role. 

I will miss my team so much but I'm well aware that having moved teams twice in the past, the mini heartache won't last long.  I shed a few tears today, as did a few others.

I had a lovely send off despite my Gaffa and Sarge not being around for it.  I had a nice little collection of pressies including a lovely necklace (below), Good Luck balloon, champers, bottle of Jack, choccies and a choc orange, plus a little bit of drinking money.

As sad as today has been, I actually feel better about the prospect of my new job now that the tears have passed.  I feel more ready and like I can actually focus on my new opportunity.  The commute will suck ass, and the banter *may* not be quite the depraved, debauched hilarity of the OMU, but I am sure my new team will become my new family and if they don't ... well then I can keep moving forwards.

Onwards and Upwards.  Bring on the new challenge...

Slumps.

I seem to lumber from one mound of stress to another these days!  I seem to have just come out of my last slump which I think I put mainly down to being ill for about two weeks.  I just felt rubbish... low, ugly, not confident, not myself, ill, tired, achey, tired of being ill and fed up of feeling lonely and inadequate and generally all round shit.  I like the warmer weather but I hate the insecurities it brings with my figure and ghostly white skin. However I'm starting to feel better despite pretty sad and anxious at leaving my lovely team in a weeks time and starting my new job. 

It's just speeding round now.  I'm gutted, genuinely gutted, to be leaving my team.  No more banter or crying from laughter... exchanging it for an hour long, traffic ridden commute and a serious albeit important and challenging job.  I'll embrace it, but I still incredibly sad and nervous about the whole situation.  Things are changing though in my current department and as such it will help that the office I'm leaving behind won't remain the same for long.  It won't be the office I know and love anyway, so that's something.

My sculpty commissions have been continuing to roll in.  I've completed two this month and have just started a third.  I have another two lined up after that to keep me occupied for another month. :)

I don't think I have much more in the way of news until I start my new job.  I'll have to make my leaving drinks pretty special and I might just buy myself a new dress for it. :)

Stars.

"Supernova," Erin Hanson

Sunshine on a Rainy Day.

Yikes.

 

It's been two whole weeks since I last blogged.  I honestly do not know where the time goes these days... ! Quite frightening.

 

Last weekend was kicked off in style with cocktails and a pricey but beautiful meal at Fumo in Brum with H and her friend Carly.  It was a brilliant evening with flowing cocktails, giggles and chat finishing off at our old haunt the Station on the way home.  We followed this up with more drinks there on Saturday night and a quick trip to another local to see a friends band.  Unfortunately this coincided with a big boxing match so there was an interesting crowd there to say the least.  Still, it was nice to spend a bit of time with H, like the olden days!

 

During the week I did some shameless self promoting on twitter for my sculpting work which is just going from strength to strength! I have four commissions lined up for this month which is just brilliant albeit scary wondering how I'm going to fit them all in with a new job round the corner!

 

This weekend has been fantastic: This Friday night I went to Marco Pierre Whites for a beautiful meal and some rather tasty cocktails. The Grasshopper which I had as my dessert replacement was to die for! Saturday, I intended to start one of my commissions and amazingly ended up completing it in one day! I was dead chuffed with it and have posted it off today already so I'll be nervously waiting for my client's response by the end of the week to make sure it a) got there in one piece and b) that she is happy with it!

 

I had been looking forward to Sunday for some time but was up early packing layers and rainproof clothing for a day at the Motor Racing- this time travelling to Oulton Park for the BTCC.  It turned out that there was actually very little rain, and glorious sunshine save for a monster of a downpour in the late afternoon which saw one of the most eagerly anticipated races being postponed. Oulton being a very fan-friendly track, we were able to position ourselves in a good slot right near the finish line and with the sun shining again after the freak mini-storm we had I managed to get my best shot of the day... showing Sheddon's Honda Yuasa Racing car speeding along a wet track, yet beautiful blue skies and glowing clouds as a backdrop. 

 

It was a brilliant day, good company, good crowds and great weather at a brilliant circuit. The only downside being the obligatory sunburnt nose and neck due to me completely mis-judging the weather!

 

BOOM II

Well... after another loooooooooong week... I got the call.  After waiting anxiously all day I got the news I had been waiting for.  I got the job! :-) I have no location yet but FINALLY I am going to be getting paid a decent amount and have a new role, a new challenge which uses my skills and all the knowledge I've built up. I am so chuffed. I will be gutted to leave such a great team of people; they've become my little family over the last two years and I'll miss the banter and laughs so much. BUT, it's got to happen sooner or later; things could have changed beyond my control anyway so at least this way I am leaving on MY terms to a promotion that I want and have worked for. It's a new challenge and a completely new role for the force so it's an exciting opportunity.

I am so pleased.  This week I've just got to keep my fingers crossed that my postings location is one that I've preferenced and get my leaving date confirmed, then it's all signed, sealed and delivered. Boom indeed.

It meant I could actually, properly relax this weekend and enjoy three days of chilling despite the rain.  I've had drinks, movies, good food and caught up with some chums. Exactly what the doctor ordered.

I also got to spend a few minutes on Sunday night watching my little niece open her presents on her second birthday. She said hello and smiled and waved at me.. then she opened her presents and seemed to take an interest in the bilingual books I had got her.  She can say a few English words now- Apple, Ball, T-Shirt and an interesting take on the word Thank you... but it was so precious to see her starting to use vocabulary in two languages the clever little monkey. I really hope I can get to see her next year. I need to get saving!

Smiles all round this weekend.  I've managed to catch up on some sleep and have started having some weird dreams lately about problems with my body, and then one last night about Pirates!

I feel really proud of myself - not something I say all that often - but I am.

Happy, happy times. :-)