Day of the wasp...

new waspie!
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I got a new waspie today. I've been wanting it for absolute ages and considering I'm going to be getting paid for my work over easter I figured I'd have a splurge today. I love it. :)

As you have guessed... been into Nottingham today, originally on a hunt for some plastic balls for my london eye character. No luck as usual.

But who cares... I got my waspie and it's rock night.

Wooohoo!

Anyone walking past my open window last night would have been subject to hearing a string of profanities as I desperatly tried to finish off my 'gherkin' model for this mornings tutorial. I was so scared but I had no need; it went really well. Andy seemed pleased with my progress and liked what I was doing, he also said my photography was improving too, and gave me a few pointers as to what to do next. I was chuffed. He reassured me I should have enough work to display, but the that I'd have to thoroughly plan out my exhibition so as to get the best out of my work.

Also, yesterday after I got back from helping out a friend who was having a hard time, I came back to find two cards, some choccies and a nice big red heart balloon in my room. It was (obviously) from Niall to say thank you for making his birthday so nice. :) It cheered me up so much.

Another plus came when I realised that I haven't been paid for my easter holiday work yet, so I should be getting another 90 squids at the start of next month. Much needed too. Aside from that it's a sunny day and I no longer have to rush my project as Andy's given me an extension on my deadline so that I can concentrate on 'quality'...

:)

A Birthday

Well yesterday was, I think, a success. When Niall left for his 9.00 lecture, I got up to go and get some bits and bobs. When he got back I'd managed to put up a birthday banner and some balloons in the living room, then I laid out all his pressies with two big helium ballooons upstairs for him to open his pressies. After that we had a cuddle and a nap, before packing up a picnic to take to the park. It was actually really nice and sunny despite the weather forcast predicting rain, so that was a nice suprise. I had planned to have the picnic in my room if it rained but fortunatly we had the perfect picnic weather. I bought mini scotch eggs, pork pies, doritos, cucumber, cheese rolls then strawberries and cream for afters. It was really nice even if I do say so myself :) .

Back at home, we both needed to do a liiiitle bit of work, but in the evening I cooked us a meal. Now for anyone who doesn't know me... I'm a pretty useless cook. However, I wanted to make the effort so I set about making crunchy turkey steaks (turkey wrapped in a crunchy parsley and thyme stuffing) with green beans and mash. Not too extravagant but it was a big deal for me. I even bought a brand new masher especially. I'm good at mash, my mash is goooood. It went down well, though I had to cook the turkey a bit longer than I'd planned for, so I was a little bit paranoid about it not being cooked enough in the middle. Niall said it was nice though, and I actually liked it too so it was another success.

Later that evening, we (Niall, Me, Rob and Dave) went out for some celebratory drinks in a near by pub. Rfa joined us later and we had a nice evening of drinking and the odd laugh thrown in too. I even felt tipsey which was odd considering I didn't have that much to drink. I think it was because it was Jim Beam instead of my usual JD or Southern Comfort, both of which I seem to have become immune to and can no longer get drunk on. That's not a challenge, just in case any of you are hatching plans out there. When we got home, Niall had a pretty lame attempt at blowing out the candles on the spongebob squarepants birthday cake I'd bought him. It took him like three goes! Wierdo. We ate cake and watched some father ted before going to bed, where I had candles burning to create a nice atmosphere for the rest of the night. Again, it was a success. ;)

Good ol' stockings. ;)

bleeeurrrrghhhnarffff@**?!fnmmphhhh.

That's how I feel at the moment.

Things are going nowhere fast in my latest project. Materials can't be found, and substitutes are failing, money is low so I can't get exactly what I need. Thing's just aren't working and it's pissing me right off. That leads me to not even want to attempt any work because it just goes wrong, which means I don't do enough, which means I haven't GOT enough work for my tutorial on wednesday and that I'm not likely to get this project done in the two weeks I have to do it. My tutor's no help either, he thinks I have all the money on the world to spend on materials, and that I have a secret stash of everything somewhere that I can just pop along to and get the exact thing I need. Er, no. I am in fact a poor student with severe motivation problems. I need a good kick up the ass. Part of the problem lies in getting hold of an old, metal spoked, 15cm diameter wheel (of which there are NONE in the whole worlds it seems. Bike wheels are way too big)... for this juggler/ferris wheel caracter (long story) and last night I was even dreaming about the damn things...

See, I was getting on this wierd ferris wheel type ride, except it wasn't JUST a ferris wheel. Somehow in your typical physically-impossible-inexplicable-dream-scenario-styley , this ferris wheel ride went upside down in the middle and to actually board one of the carriages you had to stand on this wierd rope swing attatchment. So, while standing on this rope thing, the wheel started to move, with me and the rope thing still attatched to the outside of the carriage. I was clinging on as best I could, but I just knew that once I reached the middle where it went upside down, I'd just plummet to my death, so I knew I had to let go. I was already quite high up at this point, but I let go and fell to the ground, suprisingly not sustaining any injuries (woohoo). Wierdly though, I met Niall and my family who'd seen me fall, and they sat me down. They looked shaken and Niall went over to one of the ride managers for what I hoped was to complain about the lack of safety with the wheel, but instead he just sat down and the manager gave him some tea and a hug for looking so worried!

It made me laugh when I woke up, until I realised that bloody wheels were now invading my dreams. Then I thought it was just wierd.

Think it's just the Sunday night blues... but I'm dreading this week. I might actually get told off in my tutorial. Like, properly I mean. But it won't be a shouty telling off, it'll be one of those serious ones, with the eyes and the "this could mean a failure if you don't get your act together" type of expression. Then the same afternoon we have this lecture about graduating and setting up our businesses that goes on til after six. Urghhh.. head hurts just thinking about it. Tomorrow, however should be nice. I have to make Niall have a really nice day because it's his birthday and I want him to feel special.

Fingers crossed.

Sneaky

This is a sneaky post as I really should be getting on with some work. Last night was fab at the first 'Subversion' of the term. I even had a nice natter with Dave which I hardly seem to do much anymore. I will have to make more of an effort in future though, because I miss it and it made the night so much happier. They played some cool stuff and I danced like a maniac for many of them so by the end of the night I was absolutely shattered. This was a good thing as I haven't been sleeping properly since I've been back at Uni. I can't even work out why; I've been eating fine, haven't been worrying about anyting in particular... I just seem to wake up every hour then take another forty minutes to get back to sleep. Last night though, I slept like a baby. That's a rubbish saying, as most babies don't sleep well at all though the night.

So today I woke up early in plenty of time for an appointment that I later discover is actually NEXT week. Bummer. SO, like the fresh faced hard working student I am, I climbed back into bed to catch up on more kip. Niall brought me a nice mug of tea to wake me up later on though so I could do some work.

I guess I should then...

Blogless

Yeah it's fixed. I was blogless for three whole days, but it's fixed. And through no help from blogger's help services either. Fortunatly Dave's computer wizardry reclaimed the missing html code from my blog, though we've no idea how it vanished in the first place. Then I had to re-jig my template to get it back to perfection because bits of it where doing strange things. I think we're all back to normal though. So, now I need to whizz round all my links and catch up.

In other news... I have a spot on my nose. I hardly ever get spots. I'm quite distressed about this one as it's getting bigger by the day and, as my nose is pretty hard to miss anyways, it's kinda in a bad place for noticability.

I'm sure I had something interesting to say.

whoosh.

Another week vanished.

I haven't done enough work. Scratch that, I haven't done any work this week.

Yep that's bad news. I'm back in Uni-land now and it took me all afternoon to unpack. I have waaay too much stuff, even for an art student.

This week's been really strange. I've been a bit all over the place, which isn't all that unusual these days. I have a feeling it's going to get much worse in the next few weeks as I actually have to get my ass in gear some how and work like a trooper to finish up my degree. All I did this week is take photographs of my last model and buy some materials for my next project/competition entry.

I did however, go to Peterborough for the day with Niall. Things have been tense lately as both of us are unsure as to what's going to happen to us next year. Niall has a job in Peterborough, some 86 miles away from Brum, and since I'll be working part time I won't be able to afford rent. It seems I'll be moving home for a while until I get my bearings and clear my overdraft, hell maybe in a few months I'll be in credit, who knows... The point is that we won't be living together and after two, almost three, years of living in each others pockets, it's going to be tough. Niall can't afford to commute that far, so living at home with me seems inplausable. There was a plan to move to Nottingham, but it seems unlikely to be affordable with Niall having hardly any income left over after loan repayments, taxes, travel costs, bills and rent etc. The only affordable and sensible option it seems is for Niall to live in Peterborough, near his job, where he can save money and enjoy his hard earned income. But where will that leave us?There's alot of uncertainty and though loads of couples live apart for years at a time, we've been so used to being around each other. So, I went to Peterborough to see if I could live there. It wasn't good. The place itself was pretty, bar the usual chav population, but it has little to no rock scene, no decent major clubs but a spattering of music venues, and no art supplies shops for me to do my illustration work. Obviously the latter was a bit of an issue as I wouldn't want my career to be comprimised, and neither would Niall. It's so crap. But we'll have to see what happens, I just hate that we can't both be somewhere we want to be, doing what we want, and just be happy. I guess, everyone gets a bit of that at times though.

Other than that, this week, I got my good old SLR out for yet another competition in a local paper. It was to simply take a photo of Brum and match it to a title from the Yellow Pages directory. It got me really into photography again. I want to do a course after Uni when I can afford to, get me beyond the basics that I've been taught, and hopefully back into the dark room again. I miss doing my own developing. I have grouped together some of my best photographs though and started a photoblog. It's called The Hollow and has a small selection of some of my best photos. I need to add some of my Barcelona photo's to it but they're currently stuffed in storage in my parents garage.

Oooh, I also took Niall to the IMAX cinema in Brum as part of his birthday present. I'd never been to an IMAX before but it was cool, apart from the wearing of strange glasses that were way too big for my face and made me look like a bug. The film was about Nascar, and it was nicely done despite it's cheesy moments. I enjoyed it, the 3D IMAX experience was cool and I think Niall loved it too which was good. It even had loads of engineering bits in it, so he was happy. I didn't get motion sickness either. I fancy going to see another one, though it's a bit pricey. They were advertising a film about bugs which looked pretty good 3D wise. I should be back to posting more regularly as I'm back at my own pooter. And, as promised (did I promise? not sure now...) below is a picture of the chocolate fondue artwork I mentioned last post. Yes, I know I know, I'm a genius.

Post Chocolate Fondue Art

Post Fondue Chocolate Sauce Tree
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Chocolate Fondu

Today, I had one of the best desserts ever which, as you have probably guessed from the title, is a chocolate fondu. I haven't had one for ages so it was a welcome suprise. No matter how full I was from the pretty massive meal I'd eaten just before, I still managed to neck a fair whack of sliced mango, strawberries, grapes marshmallows and bits of sponge cake all soaked in beautiful rich, gooey, hot chocolate. Not to mention the wicked spikes you get to impale the innocent fruit on before dunking. I decided it was a pretty good dessert all round.; You get to take out a bit of anger or underlying resentment by spearing an innocent fleshy fruit, then dunk it in warm sticky chocolate and enjoy the contrasting textures but harmonious flavours. Fab. Then after stuffing my face, being the messy, rather childlike, art student I am, I made a pretty damn fine piece of art out of some chocolate drops on a plate. Using my spikey fondu thing as a tool (don't know if they have a name).. I made a tree.

Tension release, pleasure and art. All in one dessert.

Long Time

Man, It's been a long time since my last post. This has been due to a mix of laziness, busyness and not really having anything interesting to say or talk about. To be honest, I still don't.

So, what have I been up to? Well, a while ago I went to Chester Zoo which was cool. I love zoo's; I always have done since I was small. I just wish they weren't so damn expensive. I went with my mum, dad, my sister and niall and altogether it cost about £70 to get in. I understand they cost a hell of alot to run but for a place where familys will go I thought £70 was a bit extortionate. Anyways aside from that I finished my last project but haven't got round to photographing it yet partly due to bad weather. Mum got me this ace light tent for photographing my models in and I've yet to use it, so when the weathers nicer I'm hoping to use it to photograph my model. I'm also entering another illustration competition, this time for TFL (Transport for London). It's based on New Architecture so Niall and I took a trip down to London to get some inspiration and take some photo's. Despite having to be up and out the house by 7.20 it was such a great day. I'm one of those freaks who have to organise everything so I had a list of train times for back up, had planned out all the tube routes for where we needed to be and pre-booked our tickets on the London Eye. Yeah reading that back I really am a freak. We got used to the tube real quick despite getting a bit lost at the start, and as it wasn't busy it made getting around alot easier. The times I've been to London before have been really busy and a bit of a pain in the ass when it comes to getting to various places but this time it was cool. I really enjoyed it. We were pretty much in Westminster for the morning. As we'd managed to get an earlier train, we had loads of time to spare before boarding our London Eye flight, so we had a look round the Saatchi gallery. Everything was pretty mediocre in there except one installation which blew me away. It was a room filled up to waste height with a large black mold filled with oil. The oil reflected the walls and corners of the traditional oak panelled room, and there was a walkway into the centre where you could stand and admire the effect. It was amazing, the reflection was perfect, so crisp and perfectly still. It was beautiful, even if it did smell like a garage. After the gallery, we had a snack in this cool little cafe called the manga cafe where you could sit and watch japanese cartoons while you ate. I had a nice, what I would call PROPER hot chocolate, actually made of milk and not just water with crappy powder in it that sinks to the bottom. I also had a perfect slice of chocolate cake that was the exact correctness of moistness that a cake should be. Apparently it was made with mayonaise which I thought was a bit wierd, but then I'm no cook. The London eye was pretty cool. Seeing as I don't like heights I was pretty proud of myself. I even walked about and everything to get all the pictures I wanted. You could get such ace photographs up there with the right weather and lenses and stuff.... and if you aren't scared of plummeting to your death from great heights... that would give you the freedom to go right up to the edge and kneel down and stuff. I haven't got my pictures back yet, hopefully some will be decent enough.

After that though, and back on solid ground, we walked to the opposite side of the river to board our boat for our river cruise. We got a special offer two for one deal so it only cost us £8.60 to get return tickets from westminster pier to greenwich pier. I got to see all the buildings I needed to see, and they had a cool crew in board that pointed out all the good stuff. Though cold, we were lucky weather wise too, it rained slightly and it even tried to snow but all in all it was pleasant enough. I really got to enjoy London as it wasn't too busy and I actually got to see it. Usually you're being rushed around galleries, or getting caught in massive crowds of tourists and struggling sticking to some sort of schedule, but this time I got to see London for the place it is and not just for the people rushing around it. It's got a diverse mix of architecture and on the right day could look really impressive. I like discovering new things like that, something you've missed previously. I noticed that in brum too when I showed Niall around for the first time as it got me actually looking at the buildings and landmarks. I'd never actually noticed alot of them, never seen the detail in them, which is quite sad.

I haven't had much sleep the last week or so. I was having to get up early working for 8, leaving at 6, coming home and sleeping, then waking up at night, only to have to get up early again. But, work's finished now til summer. Kid's are so noisy. And grubby. Generally it wasn't too bad this time though, I only got paint in my hair once and spent alot of time in the infants. The infants are noisier than the juniors but they're also scared of you when you shout at them or look angry at them, so they're easier to control. I can't decide if I actually like kids or not. I should probably decide before next summer since I've asked for lots of hours so I can get some money together after graduating. Uuuuargggghhhh the dreaded 'G' word.... not to mention it again until nearer the time. There'll only be about five weeks worth of project work when I get back after easter next week. *£%@~#*! I am in desperate need of a rock night of sorts. I haven't donned my stompy new rock's and a short skirt since my birthday. I have got a loverly new dark/blood red lipstick though. I should be able to post more when I'm back at Uni and re-united with my own pooter. xx

Birthday Slink

I am so tired right now.

Friday was, as many of you know, my 22nd birthday. I had lots of loverly pressies including some fab clothes, a dvd, a katatonia cd, a bop it, money, a bracelet and some photography stuff that should really help the finished look of my work. Niall got me membership to the AOI (Association of Illustrators) which was pretty amazing and totally unexpected. I had a cool chilled out kinda day with a phonecall from Ktp in india and one from my bro in japan which was a nice suprise. In the evening myself, Niall, my sister and the folks went to TGI Fridays for a slap up meal, but it was full of loud shouting kids that should have been strapped to their seats rather than being left to run wildly around the restaurant. I hate it when parents allow kids to do that, fair enough in a park or something but not in a crowded busy room where people are trying to enjoy a meal. Bastards. However, the food was pretty nice and I even got through half my dessert! We shared a platter between us all to start with, then I had a steak in peppercorn sauce with veggies and cheesy mash, with a "cookie madness" for afters. They even stuck a candle in it for me. Aah.

On saturday morning I drove Niall and Sarah B to our uni house, and met up with Dave, Jonjon, Rfa, and the ladybug. I got even more pressies which was cool. The ladybug got me a nice bracelet, I got choccies and enough drink to last me a whole year, plus Dave got me tickets to see Martin Gretch who I've been desperately waiting to go and see again for ages. He rocks like a bitch. Roll on May 12th!.... After scoffing pizza as best we could, we got all dressed up and set off for a supposedly quick train journey into Notty. Though there was actually a train this time (last time we had to go by coach), this so called 'high speed' service turned a fifteen minute ride into a fifty minute journey, half of which was spent sitting still in the middle of nowhere only to go back in the same direction we came ...... but of course, Mr Blair would much rather we used public transport despite wether or not the so called services actually work. Anyways, we made it into Notty and headed straight for the Pit where I was treated to lots of drinks, including some cocktails of Envy. mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm. At about half ten we went up to Rock City where Mark and Loz joined us a little later on. It was a good night. I was a bit worried about keeping everyone entertained and happy with music and so on, but at the end of the day everyone seemed to find something they enjoyed. I danced around like a maniac for a while which meant I was on bottled water for the rest of the night trying to stay hydrated and cool. We got an hour less in Rock City because of the clocks going forward which was a bit pants but to be honest I was getting pretty tired from all the mad bouncing around so it seemed to work out nicely. Towards the end of the night, I managed to sit in a huge puddle of an unkown liquid substance that soaked through my mini skirt leaving me with a nice wet bum for the taxi journey home. That wasn't very nice, but I think by that point I was so tired I didn't really notice.

So now everyones back home and it's not my birthday anymore. :( I don't feel any older which is good, and I still got I.D'd last night so I obviously still look nice and young. Woohoo. I'm not doing any more work tomorrow either, we're off to see grandparents and things for easter monday so I'll probably catch up on some sleep. I also have to prepare myself mentally for starting work at the end of the week. It's a school holiday club for kids at the school my mum works at. There's plenty of decent kids there who behave okay but there's also some complete wankers that I'm pretty sure have come straight from hell, but I need the money and I'm only working three full days (8-6!!!!) so thats not tooo bad.

Right, I need a good nap... think I'll go cuddle up to Niall and my hoard of easter eggs and sleep for a while. Thanks to all my buddies for making my birthday feel really special. xxxx

Back in Brum

I have bruises. Three on one leg, two on another and a monster of one on my grazed arm. No ribena stains though... both carpet and sofa survived un-purple-ized, as did my nose. Though I could taste it for a fair few hours afterwards.

So after that day from hell, I made up with Niall. He finally gave me a hug and we were all fine and dandy again. My report was re-jiggled so it looked the same size as everyone elses and sucessfully bound and handed in on time. My doctor told me on friday that my constant headaches and nasty migraines are most likely due to being a great big stresshead and that I should relax over easter. So, following doctors orders like the good girl I am, on friday night I got picked up to come back home to brum.

It's nice to be home, though without my computer I'm getting bored quicker than usual. So bored that I actually did loads of work today. I cut loads of wood... well I say cut but it was more... supervising. I actually stood around while Niall used a loud and menacing jigsaw. But yeah I now have a proper carpeted base for my latest model called 'The Board Room', carrying on the insect theme.

It's also now four days til my birthday. I'm driving back up to Uni house on saturday, meeting some buddies then off to celebrate in Notty. First stop- Pit and the Pendulum of course for a few pitchers of sloth, then on to Rock City. Should be fun, as long as people turn up.

The rest of the holidays will be interspersed (that a word??) with work, trips to "edwards no. 8", getting birthday pressies, and being broke.

*%?(!& $£*@?< *&!£$?@~**

Today has been utter crap. So crap in fact that I require bullet points.

• Firstly my report's due in tomorrow but I've noticed mine is half the size of everyone elses so I'm panicking to death about this and toying with the possibility of messing with page margins, printing it out again, getting it bound ... all done before tomorrow morning
• I don't think many people will want/can afford to come out for my birthday next saturday
• I had to pay another £30 to our degree fund today, that means a)I've spent about £100 in a mere few days, b) I can't afford to buy any more materials for my projects and c) I'm screwed for paying my rent in a weeks time
• The Evil One, known as Rachel in my class, seems to be furthering her career already by getting interviews for various agencies etc. This sucks. Her work sucks.
• Niall got annoyed at me because I was rightly pissed off when I got back from Uni. All I wanted was a hug. All I got was a fight.
• To top it off, when carrying my dinner out the kitchen I managed to trip over, grazing my arm and spilling the contents of my plate AND a glass of ribena all over the carpet and sofa. Thanks to Dave for helping me clean this up, as I was way to busy trying not to cry and blow the ribena out of my nose. This isn't the first time I've had ribena in my eyes and up my nose.

Roll on tomorrow.

Down Down Deeper and Down...

Ah good ol' Status Quo...

And yeah it IS that bad.

I was feeling better about the whole illustration thing today. I was thinking 'yeah, it will be hard it, it will be VERY tough on the money side of things for a while but I just have to try it because it's what I want to do and I'm good at it, and if it all paid off it would be the best thing in the world '... blah blah blah. I also got my work put up on Graduate Art 2005 and my profile looks all swanky and stuff...

... then I saw my bank balance. And then it dawned on me that I'll be having this same sick feeling every time I see my statement for another x-many years!!!! It sucks starting out and already being in £10'000 worth of debt (thank you kindly Mr Blair. Pillock.).

I wish I was six again. Back then getting 50p was a bit of an occasion and saving up probably stretched to a few quid for some toy. Did you know Munchies now cost 52p?! I remember when they used to be 40p and even then they were the most overpriced chocolate bar in the shop. Boooooooooo for money or lack of, Boooooo for inflation, Booooooooooooooooo for the horrible illustration industry and being self employed, Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Watched a good film the other night called Freeze Frame. It was about a man who had been wrongly accused of murder and as a consequence had taken to filming his every move and cataloging each tape so he always has an alibi. It's really good film and you really feel for the main character, played by standup comic Lee Evans, even though in parts you're not entirely sure if he's innocent or not. It was intriguing and really pulled you into the story. Highly recommended. Since then I haven't done a great deal other than get my hair tidied up, munch through my bulk box of happy hippos, start my next project and experience a complete mental block for an important illustration competition.

Boooooooooooooooo for mental block.

Slinkfectious

I'm spreading. Check out Ru-Isu's fab manga version of me on her blog. It's wicked, got my new boots on and everything. :)

You may or may not have noticed that I've also rejiggled slink's links because some people update more than others. There's a new addition too, in the form of flakester. If that wasn't enough I changed me profile pic AGAIN because ... well I felt like it and no one really cares.

Woohoo.

South Parkification

south park me and niall
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I was browsing some blogs today with the good old "next blog" button and came across this, so I pinched it to make my own south park version of myself and niall. I love them. I hope Mr Klink (whose blog I nicked it from) didn't mind me pinching it from his blog, but he does get a lovely link in return. The south park create-a-person thing can be found here.

Bad head.

I've had migraine problems since last night. After going to bed with a mild dull ache in my fore head, I woke up with a splitting headache concentrated on one side of my head and across the back of my eye. I usually get visual disturbances when I get migraine, but this time it just hurt. Alot. So I may be taking it easy the rest of the day, which means no rock night tonight. :( Still, think it's for the best. I probably shouldn't be sitting at the computer really. I skipped going into the studio this morning, but I'll have to pop in after lunch to discuss my next project with my tutor.

Yesterday was spent attending a full day seminar called "How to survive as an Illustrator". I came out of it with the conclusion that I actually probably won't. It was all scary stuff about taxes, self employment, negotiations and finance (thank god I did A level business studies as I'd have been even more lost about it all if I hadn't). On top of that we were told that it'll take years to get fully established so I'm not even likely to earn any proper money for many many years. It was very disheartening but it was nothing I didn't know already. I DO however have the determination to do this, or give it a bloody good shot at the very least. I'm just not sure how that determination will last after the usual endless rejections and years of waiting. On the plus side, I may never actually earn enough to pay off my student loan; on the downside that means I may not be able to actually eat. So, mix the "seminar of doom" with a healthy dose of monthly pain and bloatedness, stir in a good helping of anxiety for the future, simmer with the knowledge of being away from your loved one for as long as you can't afford to move in, and there you have it. Season with a sprinkling of migraine to taste.

Only a week and one day til my birthday. I'll be a whopping 22! I neither look nor feel 22 and refuse point blank to act it until completely necessary.

OOh OOh!

ooh oooh everyone has to rate my kitty cat Oscar because he's beautiful.... and I am, apparantly a sadcase for putting him on there in the first place.

www.ratemykitten.com/ratemy/kitten?image=189208

One of the lovely Phoebe will follow when she sits still long enough to have a decent picture taken.

Aaaaaaaaaaaah.

Right I'm REALLY off to bed this time. night. x

Shattered.

Long time, no post.

I'm starting to feel better, my appetite still comes and goes and I'm still getting the odd twinge but all in all I feel okay. My mood's been lifted a little more and my developing cold has been fought off by my fantastic super strength anti-bodies. Bring it on germs...

I've been a social butterfly this week. Thursday I had my tutorial during the day and Andy was thrilled with my bug piece. So thrilled in fact that he wants to see even more along the same theme. I've been given another piece of work to do too for our degree show book so I've got quite alot of work to do this week coming. However, that didn't stop me going out to Subversion (rock night) on thursday night. It was a really good night even though we didn't stay right til the end.

Friday was spent bumming around in preparation for our illustration course mini-social at the infamously crap 'fnd' at our student union. This night is usually reserved for slappers and complete twats to come together, drink themselves stupid, dance to rubbish 'music', puke everywhere, and "pull". Yeah, not my kind of night. Nevertheless it's Linzi's favorite night out at the union and I told her I'd make an appearance, dragging Niall along for protection against the molesting, lecherous drunkards. It actually wasn't too bad. We only stayed till twelve and it wasn't as packed as it has been in the past. Niall and I spent the time counting Mullets on the fnd-ers, but I think we abandoned the count at 50 as there were just way too many.

Saturday, I'd been waiting for for ages. I didn't do much during the day, perhaps a pop into town then a bit of work in the afternoon, but in the evening I got dressed up for Mark's birthday outing at Nottingham's Rock City. We got there at about half ten and it was pretty empty, but the music was, as anticipated, good. It was a really good night, hanging out with some great buddies of mine, with some decent music... just great. And although it got busy towards the end of the night, we moved down to the basement where they played some scarey heavy hardcore stuff which was exactly what Mark loves. Him and Niall donned the dance floor for a fair few songs and came back absolutely knackered. Hehe. We also got 36crazyfists played for Mark which came with a call out wishing him happy birthday courtesy of myself and Niall. :) aaaah. A good night was had by all. We got a taxi home, and at 3 am we were just home in time to see the start of the Australian Grand Prix. I think I managed to watch about two laps before I fell asleep! Was a shame considering how much I love my motor racing but I was godamn tired after three nights worth of going out-ness.

I would have loved a lie in this morning but I had to get up in time for my folks picking me up to go see my grandparents in Nottingham for mothers day. Still, I had a nice typical Sunday seeing the folks, my sister, both sets of grandparents and eating as much as possible. I even had a posh meal of Pheasant in a gorgeous creamy sauce, while Niall had Hare in a red wine sauce. Yaaay for my grandads cooking. My other Nana baked me some cakes too; and mom had picked me up a bulk pack of kinder Happy Hippos. Not bad for a days work.

Which brings me riiiight up to now. I'm really tired. I think an early night's in order tonight. I've got lots of work to do this week so I need to catch up on some sleep before I attempt anything. *yawn*

Long post, no time.

Night night me lovelies.

Bugs

Ooh it's turning out to be a tough week. I can tell from my craving of cocktails, which is going to be monitered over the week. Today I think on a scale of one to ten (one being-not craving cocktails, ten being- absolutely HAVE to have a pitcher NOW), I would say I'm at a 6. It doesn't help that Niall and I went into Nottingham yesterday to guage prices for flats, and he bought me a Sloth for being good. mmmmm. It was so so cold out yesterday, snowing and everything. I bought nothing but some stripey tights and some red nail varnish. Good Slink.

I've been dealing with alot of wierd emotions this week, and I can't even work out what alot of them are. My disease isn't developing at a fast enough speed for me to be properly ill, which is irritating, so I'm still kind of half ill. Apparently there's a flu epidemic on the way too, bloody virus's.

Other than that my "bugs in an office" model is complete so I'm on target for my tutorial on thursday. :)

bug model
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A Happy Post... sort of

Right, I'm determined to write a happier post today and be a bit more upbeat than I have been. Trouble is, I think I'm coming down with something. I can't quite put my finger on it but my tummy doesn't feel right at all, my head's slightly fuzzy and I have no appetite whatsoever. I haven't been poorly for a while so I'm probably due something nasty.

On a lighter less disease ridden note, Niall got ANOTHER job offer yesterday. He's in big demand obviously... I mean how many students find themselves in the position of two companies trying to match salaries and benefits in order to get their ideal employee?? I am so proud of him. Though part of me laughs (nervously) at the fact that here he is with two job offers and here's me with nothing. I doubt I'll get the career in illustration I want; it's hard to get into and even harder to be successful within the industry. Nevertheless I'll try my hardest to get some work by doing a whole heap of self promoting when I graduate. Itd be nice if my part time job was related but I doubt that too. It's money though I guess. Crikey money... starting to forget what it looks like.

This still isn't particularly happy is it?... so far I've established I'm ill with no job and very tiny future prospects. Hrm. Maybe next time....

Who Needs Enemies...

This is going to be tricky, but it's my blog and I can write what the hell I want.

I have a friend. Or I had a friend. We used to be really close; we could talk for ages about anything and nothing, they were a shoulder to cry on and meant the world to me. In a way they still do. I hate it when things like this change but sometimes it happens. I've grown apart from a very small number of friends from school days and college days but there are some friendships that you expect to last longer, especially when you still frequent each others lives. My expectations of this friendship have been dashed this year. It seems I expected too much for this person.

Something has shifted between us
A bitter rift an ocean wide
A gift with no heart, no care, no thought
our built up world reduced to nought
Not long until your plan's complete
Not long until I'm shift, alt, delete.

Somewhere along the way and for an unknown reason something changed within this important relationship. I hate that I don't know. And as always, I tried to keep it going, tried to reach out and let this person know how important they were to me. I got little in return. And eventually I kid of gave up. I got fed up of trying. Trying to keep everyone happy is impossible and one of my faults is trying to keep those closest to me happy all the time. IS that a fault? I don't know. Whatever I did, if anything, I'm not sorry. I haven't done anything that I should be ashamed of other than try and be happy this year. Selfish as that sounds, I needed to do that this year.

"Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become…my perfect enemy…
Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say,
“You disappoint me,
”Maybe you’re better off this way"

Passive, APC

I do feel guilty about giving up on this person, but to not get hurt by this persons attempt to eradicate me from their life, I needed to toughen up. I'm not wasting hours of my time on someone who neither cares if I'm around or not, and doesn't feel like making the effort for me. I'm not going to be affected by their lame arguments and their subtle jibes and digs, trying to shoot me down no matter what I say, trying to contradict everything I say for the sake of argument. This person used to be my friend, and they're trying to make it clear that they don't want to be that any more. I got that message along time ago.

If they want me, they'll come and get me. I doubt they'll read this but I didn't want to name names. They know anyway. I only hope it doesn't happen with any of my other close friends. They are so important to me.

It just makes me sad.

Fly the Flag

The sad goings-on in Ramzi's home country, Lebanon, has got me thinking.

British, particularly the English are meant to be patriotic, but to me, thuggish, yob mentality is NOT patriotic. Racism and bigotry is not what patriotism is about. When I read about people coming together, uniting for a cause, joined by their opinions with saddened, angry feelings, it makes me wonder if the same happened in this country... what would people do? Obviously, we haven't had civil wars, none of the troubles as other countries have suffered/are suffering, but if a former prime minister got killed here... would we care? We'd be unnerved, but for how long? It sadly makes me realise we never love, look up to or respect the people who run our country. They don't deserve our adoration for how useless they are, but it's still quite sad. Do we really have to go through the horrors of wars and struggles for freedom, issues on a mega scale in order to look up to our leaders? These are the times we need them most, for sure, but what else does it take to merely be proud of your country and our leaders. These so called figure heads will never speak up for us enough to earn our admiration; they'll never listen to us enough to earn the popularity they crave. But, do we have any to give? Our news today reported as the main headline, that the Queen wouldn't be attending her son's wedding. Fair do's, it's news I suppose.. but is that really more important than the other headlines, which included that dodgy food dye getting into school and hospital food, the Iraqi prisoner abuse trial and such like? The media is far too concerned with Beckhams new baby, celebrity scandals and dull newsbites about the goings on behind the royal closed doors, to focus on the real news.

Though I don't envy the tough times and the troubles, I envy the solidarity and unity that the people of lebanon have shown.

On a totally different and completely superficial note... I'm looking at some image hosting sites to set up an online photo album... anyone have any recommendations?

Frightened

I had a nightmare last night. It really messed with my head for a while. Wierdly, before I went to sleep, I felt on edge and nervous about something, like something bad was going to happen. I think it was all provoked by a photo by simon larbalestier and this film. Takashi Shimizu is a twisted wierdo for coming up with the imagery in that. I saw that film ages ago, and it's just lurked in the depths of my mind until last night. As for the photo, it's a person with stupidly long hair. So long you can't see the body or much of the face; it's eerie. I totally love that guys work and I've been a fan for some time, but I found that one picture deeply disturbing. I knew, as soon as I saw it, it'd bother me. I'm not good with strange things like that. Anyways, cutting to the short of it in the end of my dream, after trying to hide from this creature that had killed two people in the room next to mine, it finally got to me and started ripping away and scrabbling at my stomach. Someone kept shouting that it was looking for something but it was tearing my abdomen to shreads and all my bedsheets were red and bloody. I woke up at that point and could hardly move. I was really scared and everything in my room looked different and unusual. It was like being a kid again, wanting comfort. I felt disorientated and couldn't recognize what things were. Niall got into bed with me to comfort me and keep me safe, but even that scared me. His eyes seemed strange and it was changing how his face looked. It didn't help that it was five in the morning and he was tired so he kept blinking and widening his eyes to stay awake. Even with the light on I was frightened. I just had to stare at them and tell myself that they were perfectly normal, but in my head they'd blacken and widen, then roll and bulge. It really upset me because I felt terrified and unsafe. I haven't felt that scared for a long time. I had that horrible feeling you get when you're too scared to fall back to sleep, but eventually, with the tv on in the background, I drifted back to sleep at around twenty to seven.

I felt a bit silly this morning. I hate my head sometimes.

Yay or Nay

What a crazy week. It's been full of ups and downs. Niall got offered a job in Peterborough which he's since accepted, though it caused a few problems as neither of us want to be apart next year. We had a bit of a big fight, which was really upsetting. It's all sorted now but I'm still not sure what's going to happen really; it's inevitable that we won't see much of each other no matter where he is which is sad, but that's just the way things are. He's been looking at living in Nottingham or somewhere in between Peterborough and Brum, somewhere familiar so that should I be able to make enough money at home next year I can potentially move in. It's so strange thinking about it all... bit too serious and grown up for my liking, but again, it's inevitable and got to happen sometime. Having said that being a student is getting to me at the moment, as much as I love my mates here I'm fed up with having less than no money, living out of an overdraft and dragging out projects to fill in time. I'm torn between wanting to get out of being a student and earning some money, but not wanting to let go of the freedom that comes with few lectures/studio time, the social scene etc. Hrm.. :(

Rock night on thursday was okay, I got to wear my new boots and didn't fall over once. I was so proud. Despite not having much money it was nice to catch up with mark who I felt like I hadn't seen in ages. We left early because Dave was bored and there wasn't much happening later on in the night. I couldn't dance because I didn't want to break my legs trying to dance in my new boots. Arthur's promised an appearance next week so that'll be nice.

Other than that, this week I've started my new project properly (modelmaking is underway once again) and I managed to talk to my brother in Japan, which was nice. :)